1 00:00:00,759 --> 00:00:04,941 Well, nothing brightens up a rainy day like a Scotch tasting, guys. 2 00:00:04,965 --> 00:00:06,071 It's not raining today. 3 00:00:06,106 --> 00:00:07,930 - It hasn't rained in months. - Shh, don't ruin the moment. 4 00:00:07,953 --> 00:00:10,353 There's actually a huge forest fire. Dude, you should turn on the news. 5 00:00:10,379 --> 00:00:14,111 This is a 15-year-old French oak reserve. 6 00:00:14,124 --> 00:00:17,935 Mm! A note of cedar, vanilla, tobacky. 7 00:00:18,357 --> 00:00:19,457 Boozy. 8 00:00:19,477 --> 00:00:21,833 Hunting, fishing, shooting, 9 00:00:22,016 --> 00:00:25,415 fatherhood, bonding, sadness. 10 00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:27,928 - Please don't leave me. - Cheers, guys. 11 00:00:27,954 --> 00:00:30,127 - Put 'er there Schmidty. - Cheers. - Cheers. 12 00:00:30,151 --> 00:00:32,652 - To a nice quiet evening. - Tranquil. 13 00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:35,653 This moment is so chill and absent of drama, 14 00:00:35,659 --> 00:00:37,205 I want to call it "Tim Duncan." 15 00:00:37,223 --> 00:00:39,349 I have 21 minutes to make a life-changing decision 16 00:00:39,375 --> 00:00:41,515 and you beautiful sons-a-bitches are gonna help me! 17 00:00:41,535 --> 00:00:43,549 - Whoa. - Yeah! 18 00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:48,157 - That is $45 worth of Scotch right there. - It tastes disgusting. I don't like it. 19 00:00:49,503 --> 00:00:51,943 ♪ Who's that girl? Who's that girl? ♪ 20 00:00:51,965 --> 00:00:53,532 ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 21 00:00:53,561 --> 00:00:57,161 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 22 00:00:58,124 --> 00:01:00,725 So, obviously, Nick has told you about how I've been volunteering 23 00:01:00,751 --> 00:01:02,958 at the Children's Museum, and really hitting it off 24 00:01:02,976 --> 00:01:04,554 with the head curator, Candace, right? 25 00:01:04,573 --> 00:01:05,671 In my way, I have. 26 00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:07,470 - I've never heard that. - Hasn't said a word. Thank God. 27 00:01:07,489 --> 00:01:08,674 Come on. 28 00:01:09,075 --> 00:01:12,338 Guys, give me one second. I gotta go play a round of "Car Keys Monte" 29 00:01:12,351 --> 00:01:14,836 with Kevin-97 or he'll try to drive home. 30 00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:18,365 So, anyway, about a month ago, Candace calls me and tells me 31 00:01:18,385 --> 00:01:21,325 there might be a full-time fund-raising position opening up 32 00:01:21,351 --> 00:01:22,551 and I'd be perfect for it. 33 00:01:22,576 --> 00:01:24,716 There we go, look for the keys, look for the keys, look for the keys. 34 00:01:24,731 --> 00:01:27,237 And she keeps pushing me for an answer, and I keep putting her off. 35 00:01:27,257 --> 00:01:28,962 I say, "Thank you very much. I'm very flattered, 36 00:01:28,976 --> 00:01:31,226 but I already have a job. Me teacher." 37 00:01:31,823 --> 00:01:33,744 That's a grammar joke. You get it. 38 00:01:33,764 --> 00:01:35,380 Look at the jukebox for a sec. 39 00:01:35,909 --> 00:01:38,085 When I think of teachers, I think of two things: Jessica Day 40 00:01:38,105 --> 00:01:40,819 and pornography where the characters are teachers. 41 00:01:40,832 --> 00:01:43,891 Well, of course I've always wanted to be a teacher, but my school's a disaster. 42 00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:46,413 - Justice Brandeis believed that... - Ms. Day? 43 00:01:46,434 --> 00:01:49,195 Education's Principal Foster, everybody! 44 00:01:49,897 --> 00:01:51,354 Thank you so much. 45 00:01:52,204 --> 00:01:55,936 Ms. Day, we have hit a construction hiccup 46 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,898 - in our renovation, so... - Okay. 47 00:01:57,904 --> 00:02:00,867 everybody's gonna have to be sharing classroom space. 48 00:02:00,877 --> 00:02:01,926 What? 49 00:02:02,463 --> 00:02:04,242 - Oh. - Hey, do you have a freezer 50 00:02:04,261 --> 00:02:06,184 or should I flush these frogs? 51 00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:08,021 My check comes either way. 52 00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:12,111 Oh, come on. Foster's sticking us with the math kids 53 00:02:12,130 --> 00:02:14,595 that use letters instead of numbers? 54 00:02:14,793 --> 00:02:16,126 Do you mean algebra? 55 00:02:16,683 --> 00:02:18,033 I guess. 56 00:02:18,276 --> 00:02:20,706 Anyway, it's gonna be a couple of crazy months, huh? 57 00:02:20,719 --> 00:02:22,803 - I'm sorry? Months? - Right. 58 00:02:23,047 --> 00:02:24,928 Years if the bond issue fails. 59 00:02:24,947 --> 00:02:28,015 Which it might, since voters are trending anti-future. 60 00:02:28,035 --> 00:02:30,707 Anti-future? Who's anti-future? 61 00:02:30,713 --> 00:02:34,185 I don't know. The Amish? The dying? 62 00:02:34,198 --> 00:02:36,768 Television industry, print media, 63 00:02:36,784 --> 00:02:39,550 record industry, railroad industry, 64 00:02:39,586 --> 00:02:42,999 karaoke machine owners. You got this? 65 00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:45,292 I'm gonna go not smoke pot. 66 00:02:46,312 --> 00:02:49,025 - So my phone rings... - Oh, we telling phone stories? Nice. 67 00:02:49,062 --> 00:02:51,003 - No, I'm talking about work. - So your phone rings. 68 00:02:51,025 --> 00:02:53,788 And it's Candace officially offering me the job! 69 00:02:53,801 --> 00:02:55,080 And I told her I'd think about it! 70 00:02:55,093 --> 00:02:57,812 Wow, you not being a school teacher? 71 00:02:57,837 --> 00:02:59,504 Well, you have found my flabbergast button, 72 00:02:59,524 --> 00:03:01,788 and guess what, you've pressed it. 73 00:03:01,821 --> 00:03:03,358 I'm flabbergasted as hell, too. 74 00:03:03,378 --> 00:03:05,325 Look, I've been a teacher my entire life, 75 00:03:05,345 --> 00:03:07,828 and I've always wanted to be a teacher, but 76 00:03:07,861 --> 00:03:10,274 maybe I should be doing something else. I don't know. 77 00:03:10,294 --> 00:03:12,273 How do you know when you're on the right path? 78 00:03:12,786 --> 00:03:14,201 It's crazy. 79 00:03:15,115 --> 00:03:17,128 - That wasn't a rhetorical question. - Oh! - Oh! 80 00:03:17,144 --> 00:03:20,229 What I like to do is just take a drive up PCH maybe. 81 00:03:20,805 --> 00:03:22,084 Willy Wonka once said... 82 00:03:22,103 --> 00:03:25,456 Guys, Candace is calling at 6:00 to find out my final answer! 83 00:03:25,499 --> 00:03:27,848 - Whoa! - What? - I'm sorry you're in such a pickle. 84 00:03:27,869 --> 00:03:30,642 But I'm not sorry that I get to time something! 85 00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,770 19 minutes, people! 86 00:03:32,783 --> 00:03:36,248 - All right. - Just to be clear, 19 minutes until 6:00. 87 00:03:36,261 --> 00:03:37,232 I'm not sure this is helping. 88 00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:39,373 This brings a whole new level of tension to the whole situation. 89 00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:41,519 Yeah, because you're being timed now. You time a lot of stuff, Coach. 90 00:03:41,532 --> 00:03:43,591 - This is a life-changing decision, that's it. - 46 seconds. 91 00:03:45,691 --> 00:03:48,992 17 minutes till 6:00. 17 minutes, Jess. 92 00:03:49,012 --> 00:03:51,582 Coach, do you always wear a stopwatch? Like always? 93 00:03:51,609 --> 00:03:54,922 You familiar with Rollergirl's relationship to her skates in Boogie Nights? 94 00:03:54,948 --> 00:03:55,648 Yes. 95 00:03:55,672 --> 00:03:59,278 Well, I'm not, because I don't watch movies, I time them. 96 00:03:59,644 --> 00:04:02,128 They're pornographers, but they're also a family. 97 00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:05,587 155:30 official running time, my round ass! 98 00:04:06,071 --> 00:04:07,544 Jess, 99 00:04:07,695 --> 00:04:09,802 choosing a career path is never easy, 100 00:04:09,838 --> 00:04:11,037 but what I found... 101 00:04:11,064 --> 00:04:12,797 - Oh, my God. - Shut up, dude! 102 00:04:12,867 --> 00:04:16,254 She's looking for career advice. Your job could be done by a vending machine. 103 00:04:16,276 --> 00:04:17,883 Guys, don't be mean. 104 00:04:17,905 --> 00:04:20,525 So Nick doesn't have a traditional career. I mean... 105 00:04:20,537 --> 00:04:23,125 Or is it the most traditional? 106 00:04:23,376 --> 00:04:24,737 Maybe I'm thinking about prostitution. 107 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:28,256 Guys, as you all know, I am the expert at changing career paths. 108 00:04:28,281 --> 00:04:29,614 Is this something we're now bragging about? 109 00:04:29,642 --> 00:04:33,092 No, Schmidt, I'm referring to my decision to quit playing the game of basketball. 110 00:04:33,119 --> 00:04:35,652 Jess, I will tell you this, it was not easy. 111 00:04:36,448 --> 00:04:37,875 It all began back... 112 00:04:37,888 --> 00:04:40,251 - Come on, Winston move it along. - Okay, Jess, fine, 113 00:04:40,726 --> 00:04:43,917 but don't blame me if you get lost in the nooks and crannies 114 00:04:43,943 --> 00:04:48,520 of this crazy English muffin we call Winston's life. 115 00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:52,403 I was the ninth guy off the bench for the eighth-best team in Latvia. 116 00:04:52,925 --> 00:04:55,232 Winnie the Bish! Winnie the Bish! 117 00:04:55,255 --> 00:04:57,284 - Winnie the Bish! - Ha-ha! 118 00:04:57,309 --> 00:04:58,576 Thanks for coming to watch me play, guys. 119 00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:00,707 We didn't watch you play. We watched you sit. 120 00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:01,879 Which was still fun. 121 00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:04,244 You know, any chance to get to Latvia, right, guys? 122 00:05:04,264 --> 00:05:05,515 Yeah, I haven't played all year. 123 00:05:05,525 --> 00:05:07,965 They barely let me practice, but you know, like I always say, 124 00:05:07,995 --> 00:05:09,751 How about them Lats? 125 00:05:09,776 --> 00:05:11,669 So that's when you decided to change course. 126 00:05:11,842 --> 00:05:13,962 That makes sense. So my takeaway from that is... 127 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,508 Still building to the decision. 128 00:05:15,595 --> 00:05:17,597 You are traded to Kraslava City. 129 00:05:17,624 --> 00:05:18,958 The Outdoor League? 130 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,486 Man, they play on a hillside! 131 00:05:20,507 --> 00:05:24,184 I give you surprise tip: Uphill basket, better. 132 00:05:24,197 --> 00:05:26,310 - Aha, and then you decided... - Ah! 133 00:05:27,185 --> 00:05:30,045 I'm going fast! Whoa, whoa, whoa! 134 00:05:31,205 --> 00:05:33,703 You never play basketball again. 135 00:05:33,726 --> 00:05:36,066 Don't touch it. Stop it. 136 00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:40,123 And that's when I decided to stop playing the game of basketball. 137 00:05:40,146 --> 00:05:43,049 Jess, walk away the moment you stop loving it. 138 00:05:43,081 --> 00:05:44,121 I mean, that's what I did. 139 00:05:44,138 --> 00:05:46,151 - That's the thing, you didn't walk away. - You decided nothing. 140 00:05:46,176 --> 00:05:48,243 That story contains zero decisions. 141 00:05:48,255 --> 00:05:52,283 Look, I decided to stop playing the game of basketball 142 00:05:52,316 --> 00:05:55,280 when my doctor told me I had to stop. 143 00:05:55,648 --> 00:05:59,038 Okay, okay, all right, I... it was my decision... 144 00:05:59,058 --> 00:06:02,105 - Mm-hmm. - ...to start to play the game of basket... 145 00:06:02,118 --> 00:06:05,821 You were handed a basketball six seconds after you were born. 146 00:06:05,841 --> 00:06:07,990 Damn, do I even like basketball? 147 00:06:08,220 --> 00:06:11,160 I mean, goodness, have I ever made any decisions my whole life? 148 00:06:11,177 --> 00:06:13,610 Are we all just living inside the mind of a giant? 149 00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:16,530 All right, good job, buddy. Really good. Thanks. 150 00:06:16,557 --> 00:06:17,977 You know, if I may be so bold... 151 00:06:18,002 --> 00:06:19,929 Oh, Nick, please. Winston, have a seat. 152 00:06:19,949 --> 00:06:21,756 I was literally about to give advice. 153 00:06:21,776 --> 00:06:23,414 She already heard one cautionary tale tonight, 154 00:06:23,427 --> 00:06:24,814 she does not need to hear another. 155 00:06:24,827 --> 00:06:27,556 - What she needs to hear is my story. - All right. 156 00:06:27,582 --> 00:06:30,356 A story of hard choices. A story of paths taken. 157 00:06:30,383 --> 00:06:35,030 A story that I like to call, "Kablamo McYeah, Bro!" 158 00:06:35,049 --> 00:06:36,356 Ah, you stupid bast... 159 00:06:36,383 --> 00:06:38,583 The title has nothing to do with the story, but you need a hook. 160 00:06:39,932 --> 00:06:41,845 - It all began back... - Come on, Schmidt! 161 00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:45,122 What? Only one story in the whole wide world can begin in a hospital? 162 00:06:45,145 --> 00:06:46,598 I volunteered a lot in college. 163 00:06:47,405 --> 00:06:50,905 But I shone brightest as a candy striper. 164 00:06:51,430 --> 00:06:52,984 Sick people wanted me. 165 00:06:53,017 --> 00:06:54,507 Dying people wanted to be me. 166 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:56,687 I was the total candy-striping package. 167 00:06:56,714 --> 00:06:59,853 And yet I remained invisible to the one whose gaze I desired the most. 168 00:06:59,868 --> 00:07:03,790 Invisible? You were like a 300-pound wall of peppermint bark. 169 00:07:03,815 --> 00:07:05,715 Her badge said "RN" for registered nurse, 170 00:07:05,738 --> 00:07:08,109 but as far as I was concerned, it said "NILTH," 171 00:07:08,131 --> 00:07:09,326 "Nurse I'd Like To Hug." 172 00:07:09,340 --> 00:07:12,686 Not even the baggiest of scrubs could hide her splendid form. 173 00:07:15,566 --> 00:07:19,102 Where's a guy have to volunteer to get a girl like that, huh? 174 00:07:19,450 --> 00:07:21,750 I don't volunteer. I'm a man. 175 00:07:21,770 --> 00:07:24,471 I have a job in marketing. 176 00:07:25,327 --> 00:07:27,946 Obviously I was far too fat to work in marketing. 177 00:07:27,965 --> 00:07:30,185 So I got a job any dumb slob could do. 178 00:07:30,204 --> 00:07:33,038 Relax, man, it's your first day. 179 00:07:33,462 --> 00:07:35,671 For a Jewish giant, I had a surprising knack 180 00:07:35,690 --> 00:07:36,971 for selling Christmas trees. 181 00:07:36,987 --> 00:07:40,102 Not only did my wide center of gravity make me freakishly strong, 182 00:07:40,115 --> 00:07:42,162 but I could also sell like the wind. 183 00:07:42,188 --> 00:07:44,584 Because I understood one fundamental truth. 184 00:07:44,684 --> 00:07:46,855 When you're buying Christmas trees... 185 00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:48,948 you're really buying sex. 186 00:07:48,974 --> 00:07:51,601 Have you always been short? I've always been fat. 187 00:07:51,619 --> 00:07:53,958 But who cares how God made you? 188 00:07:53,991 --> 00:07:56,283 Don't let him put you in a skin box. 189 00:07:56,302 --> 00:07:58,112 At the end of the day, I'm just a fat guy 190 00:07:58,133 --> 00:08:01,015 standing here in front of a short guy telling him that... 191 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,433 I think we found his tree. 192 00:08:03,460 --> 00:08:06,149 It wasn't long before I caught the attention of Old Man McCue, 193 00:08:06,175 --> 00:08:08,776 Christmas tree king of Syracuse, 194 00:08:08,976 --> 00:08:10,672 inventor of triple netting. 195 00:08:11,757 --> 00:08:13,117 However... 196 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,269 In the words of the late, great Sir Billy Joel... 197 00:08:16,291 --> 00:08:18,338 Billy Joel is definitely alive. 198 00:08:18,353 --> 00:08:19,993 And he's definitely not a knight. 199 00:08:20,012 --> 00:08:21,512 "The good, they do die young." 200 00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:24,457 ♪ As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death ♪ 201 00:08:24,470 --> 00:08:27,783 ♪ I take a look at my life and realize there's nothin' left ♪ 202 00:08:27,801 --> 00:08:30,454 ♪ 'Cause I've been blastin' and laughin' so long ♪ 203 00:08:30,478 --> 00:08:33,825 ♪ That even my mama thinks That my mind is gone, but... ♪ 204 00:08:34,707 --> 00:08:36,916 When you're on your deathbed, 205 00:08:36,935 --> 00:08:39,548 when your life has been lived, 206 00:08:39,579 --> 00:08:41,141 you're never gonna say, 207 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:44,621 "I wish I'd spent more time with my family." 208 00:08:45,561 --> 00:08:49,769 Because money and everything it buys, 209 00:08:50,482 --> 00:08:53,629 you can take it... 210 00:08:54,264 --> 00:08:55,478 with you... 211 00:09:10,109 --> 00:09:11,325 Interesting, money. 212 00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:14,192 Actually the museum job pays more than the teaching job. 213 00:09:14,218 --> 00:09:15,885 Wait, the m... 214 00:09:15,931 --> 00:09:17,897 Then what the hell are we talking about here, you guys? 215 00:09:17,916 --> 00:09:20,563 Done deal, case closed. Follow them ducats. 216 00:09:20,586 --> 00:09:22,106 It's not always about the money, Schmidt. 217 00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:23,861 Guys, look, it's almost 6:00. 218 00:09:23,877 --> 00:09:25,731 And Candace is insanely punctual. 219 00:09:25,745 --> 00:09:29,660 You know, one of the best career choices of the future... 220 00:09:29,835 --> 00:09:31,247 Driveways. 221 00:09:33,313 --> 00:09:34,906 You're welcome. 222 00:09:41,210 --> 00:09:43,697 - Jess, the museum job pays more. - All right... 223 00:09:43,710 --> 00:09:45,650 - The decision has been made for you. - No, no, no. 224 00:09:45,662 --> 00:09:47,948 You don't know the difference between more and less. 225 00:09:47,984 --> 00:09:49,124 - Don't you? - Yes, Schmidt. 226 00:09:49,139 --> 00:09:50,959 All of my decision's have been made for me. 227 00:09:50,972 --> 00:09:53,716 I'm only in sports radio because I played professional basketball. 228 00:09:53,729 --> 00:09:57,788 I played professional basketball because somebody put a ball in my crib as a baby. 229 00:09:58,006 --> 00:10:00,379 What if somebody gave Baby Winston a flower? 230 00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:03,010 - Then what would I be? - Beekeeper! - Hummingbird farmer. 231 00:10:03,029 --> 00:10:05,635 Oh, does water shoot out of the flower? If so, you'd be a hilarious comedian. 232 00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:08,959 Wait, guys, this is classic after 6:00 topics. 233 00:10:08,977 --> 00:10:11,040 Look, I... There has to be more to this than money. 234 00:10:11,053 --> 00:10:12,941 I really want to care about what I do. 235 00:10:12,967 --> 00:10:15,527 Don't you ever miss getting your hands dirty and selling? 236 00:10:15,549 --> 00:10:17,022 I've moved up in the world. 237 00:10:17,038 --> 00:10:20,263 I'm not freezing and covered in sap. I'm making spreadsheets. 238 00:10:20,275 --> 00:10:22,148 It's like Old Man McCue used to say. 239 00:10:22,171 --> 00:10:24,538 The reward is in the destination. 240 00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:27,545 - It's not in the journey. - Was he wise or was he senile? 241 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,060 Because he's mixed up a lot of really well-known sayings. 242 00:10:30,092 --> 00:10:32,610 Jess, you're gonna want to listen to me. 243 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,833 Anyone else here named after their career? 244 00:10:36,598 --> 00:10:38,798 People call you Markety? 245 00:10:39,119 --> 00:10:39,936 Not yet. 246 00:10:39,949 --> 00:10:41,789 That's too bad 'cause that's awesome. 247 00:10:41,804 --> 00:10:44,426 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 248 00:10:44,432 --> 00:10:45,866 Hands up, Ulvis! 249 00:10:45,886 --> 00:10:47,593 Ball screen, Vlad, come on! 250 00:10:47,608 --> 00:10:49,276 There we go, yes! 251 00:10:49,729 --> 00:10:52,299 Bishop, finger out of your nose, now! 252 00:10:52,324 --> 00:10:53,727 Ernie's a really good coach. 253 00:10:53,746 --> 00:10:56,059 - Maybe we should call him Coach. - We should probably call him... 254 00:10:56,918 --> 00:10:57,818 You do it first. 255 00:10:57,846 --> 00:10:59,426 - Uh... Coach. - Yeah. 256 00:10:59,446 --> 00:11:01,573 That's a great name! High five! 257 00:11:01,599 --> 00:11:02,360 Yeah! 258 00:11:02,382 --> 00:11:04,117 I think you see what I mean. 259 00:11:04,132 --> 00:11:05,699 No, I do... I really don't. 260 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,262 My point is don't overthink it, Jess. 261 00:11:08,282 --> 00:11:10,489 The call's coming from inside the house. 262 00:11:10,524 --> 00:11:12,497 - What? - Be who you are. 263 00:11:12,799 --> 00:11:15,313 - And do what you do. - What if I don't know who I am? 264 00:11:15,319 --> 00:11:17,501 And you know, I'm capable of doing a lot of different things. 265 00:11:17,526 --> 00:11:19,946 - Then you are on your own. - Good stuff, Coach. 266 00:11:19,965 --> 00:11:23,212 Jess, would it help to think about your first day as a teacher? 267 00:11:23,225 --> 00:11:25,141 Like, I think about the first time I ever poured a drink... 268 00:11:25,159 --> 00:11:26,555 - Boo, get off the stage! - Aw, man. 269 00:11:26,568 --> 00:11:28,228 - Nick! - Dude, stop. - No, that's interesting. 270 00:11:28,256 --> 00:11:30,483 The first day I ever taught. 271 00:11:31,230 --> 00:11:32,785 Portland Country Day. 272 00:11:32,808 --> 00:11:35,515 Five-team Pacific Northwest squash champions. 273 00:11:35,537 --> 00:11:37,689 Go, Rhododendrons! 274 00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:41,925 Now, if I was chalk, where would I be? 275 00:11:41,963 --> 00:11:44,309 If I were chalk, where would I be? 276 00:11:44,322 --> 00:11:47,683 Slip up like that in front of the kids, Day, and they'll eat you alive. 277 00:11:50,839 --> 00:11:54,107 Eddie Pascucci kicked my ass because I'm new. 278 00:11:54,128 --> 00:11:55,546 Well, guess what? 279 00:11:56,071 --> 00:11:57,577 I'm new, too. 280 00:11:57,598 --> 00:11:59,917 I got lost trying to find the upper dining garden. 281 00:11:59,930 --> 00:12:03,517 Oh, that's over by the hedge maze and the stables. 282 00:12:03,530 --> 00:12:05,639 I haven't even met my horse yet. 283 00:12:06,574 --> 00:12:08,314 Come on, let's get you cleaned up. 284 00:12:08,335 --> 00:12:10,675 All of these jackets have cash in the pockets. 285 00:12:10,698 --> 00:12:13,534 It's like a $50,000 lost and found. 286 00:12:13,794 --> 00:12:15,134 Here, try this one. 287 00:12:15,262 --> 00:12:16,322 Yup. 288 00:12:16,349 --> 00:12:17,822 You look great, Clifton. 289 00:12:17,845 --> 00:12:19,272 This doesn't fit! 290 00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:22,020 Eddie Pascucci beats up the unstylish! 291 00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:22,880 Yeah, that's right. 292 00:12:22,897 --> 00:12:24,461 We had an ethnic, gay bully. 293 00:12:26,991 --> 00:12:29,405 He's gonna have to come through me first. 294 00:12:29,411 --> 00:12:32,352 Clifton Collins really just needed someone to believe in him. 295 00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,054 So I started tutoring him in math, 296 00:12:34,069 --> 00:12:36,296 and he became the best math student in school. 297 00:12:36,316 --> 00:12:39,853 So, let's look him up and see how happy and successful and amazing he's doing. 298 00:12:39,888 --> 00:12:42,199 - Yeah! - I think that'll really fire you up. 299 00:12:45,573 --> 00:12:46,781 All right, there's no trace of him. 300 00:12:46,795 --> 00:12:48,828 - What? - I'm really, I'm really good at this. 301 00:12:48,850 --> 00:12:50,262 I'm good at it, let me see. 302 00:12:50,283 --> 00:12:51,796 - You found him. He's right here. - No, I didn't. 303 00:12:51,804 --> 00:12:53,252 - Here's Clifton, wow. - It's not a... 304 00:12:53,259 --> 00:12:54,845 - Yeah, he's right there. That's Clifton. - Oh, yeah. 305 00:12:54,868 --> 00:12:56,108 We're not the only ones looking for him. 306 00:12:56,121 --> 00:12:57,655 - So's the FBI. - What? 307 00:12:57,677 --> 00:12:59,600 - Yeah, he's a criminal. - No. 308 00:12:59,961 --> 00:13:01,626 Oh, my God. 309 00:13:01,776 --> 00:13:04,487 Clifton "Baby Madoff" Collins? 310 00:13:04,759 --> 00:13:06,680 Wanted for 53... 311 00:13:06,715 --> 00:13:08,722 ...counts of embezzlement. 312 00:13:08,756 --> 00:13:09,973 Sounds like the math took. 313 00:13:10,370 --> 00:13:12,167 Screw me. 314 00:13:12,473 --> 00:13:14,126 Like, I... 315 00:13:14,321 --> 00:13:16,899 Maybe I wasn't even reaching the kids at all. 316 00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:22,788 Okay, you know what? 317 00:13:22,810 --> 00:13:24,520 - Miller up. - Excuse me? 318 00:13:24,533 --> 00:13:26,859 That's just like "fill 'er up, "but with "Miller." 319 00:13:26,887 --> 00:13:28,927 - Don't. - 'Cause I'm about to fill you up. 320 00:13:28,947 --> 00:13:30,396 - No, that's gross. - With my stories. 321 00:13:30,412 --> 00:13:31,779 - Oh, please don't. - That's disgusting. 322 00:13:31,799 --> 00:13:33,166 What's disgusting about it? 323 00:13:33,740 --> 00:13:37,263 My first year of law school, I made an important discovery. 324 00:13:37,276 --> 00:13:39,205 Look left. Look right. 325 00:13:39,226 --> 00:13:41,254 Next year, one of you will be gone. 326 00:13:41,608 --> 00:13:43,507 What a cliché, huh? 327 00:13:43,918 --> 00:13:45,688 Oh, you wrote that down. 328 00:13:48,697 --> 00:13:51,297 You'll be gone. I'm not going anywhere. 329 00:13:51,312 --> 00:13:53,145 I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be right here. 330 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,893 Take it easy, guy to my right. 331 00:13:55,195 --> 00:13:58,307 I discovered that I hated being around these people. 332 00:13:58,600 --> 00:14:00,887 But second year, I made another discovery. 333 00:14:00,914 --> 00:14:02,980 I hated being around myself. 334 00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:06,240 So my third year, I wanted to find a place where I belonged. 335 00:14:06,274 --> 00:14:09,489 Where I could look to my left or look to my right and like what I saw. 336 00:14:09,507 --> 00:14:11,761 Love you in that scarf. Why don't you wear scarves anymore? 337 00:14:11,779 --> 00:14:13,086 That place? 338 00:14:13,111 --> 00:14:14,507 Perhaps you guessed it: 339 00:14:14,528 --> 00:14:15,998 This very bar. 340 00:14:16,037 --> 00:14:18,877 Get out of town. What a twist. 341 00:14:22,288 --> 00:14:23,768 How long has that guy been there? 342 00:14:23,786 --> 00:14:24,760 Kevin-97? 343 00:14:24,779 --> 00:14:27,298 Since 1997, Jess. Why else do you think we would call him... 344 00:14:27,318 --> 00:14:29,339 I don't know. Move it along, Miller. 345 00:14:29,377 --> 00:14:31,053 True, I wasn't loving law school, 346 00:14:31,065 --> 00:14:35,305 but my grades were fine and I even signed up for the California State Bar. 347 00:14:35,919 --> 00:14:37,586 And then, one day... 348 00:14:37,671 --> 00:14:39,784 Red over-served himself 349 00:14:40,208 --> 00:14:41,795 and everything changed. 350 00:14:41,808 --> 00:14:43,101 So you went behind the bar, 351 00:14:43,131 --> 00:14:44,784 quit law school, you became a bartender... 352 00:14:44,798 --> 00:14:46,791 - There's more to it than that. - Two minutes! 353 00:14:46,810 --> 00:14:49,057 Oh, my God. I honestly don't know what to do. 354 00:14:49,077 --> 00:14:51,237 - I have so little time. - Hey. 355 00:14:51,266 --> 00:14:52,079 Cece! 356 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:54,067 Have you ever questioned your entire career? 357 00:14:54,095 --> 00:14:56,368 Duh, I'm a 31 year old model. 358 00:14:56,394 --> 00:15:00,019 My last job was for a phone sex ad, and I was the one calling. 359 00:15:00,041 --> 00:15:01,148 Tell me what to do. 360 00:15:01,173 --> 00:15:03,497 And don't tell me to ask the guys, because I already tried that. 361 00:15:03,511 --> 00:15:06,058 And also, don't tell me to think about my first student, Clifton. 362 00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:09,191 Okay, no, wait. Your first student was not Clifton. 363 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,846 Lady, she's still got one minute. 364 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:22,262 That was a butt dial from your mother. She is up to no good. 365 00:15:26,499 --> 00:15:29,416 Cece, bring it fast, and bring it hard. You have 53 seconds. 366 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,148 - You okay? - Yes. 367 00:15:38,008 --> 00:15:38,835 No. 368 00:15:38,858 --> 00:15:41,920 I think I need glasses unless crying makes your eyes not work. 369 00:15:42,503 --> 00:15:46,213 I can't read this, but even when I can, I don't understand it. 370 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:49,865 Crying makes your eyes work better. After I finished Sophie's Choice, 371 00:15:49,888 --> 00:15:51,828 I could see in the dark for a week. 372 00:15:54,690 --> 00:15:56,727 Here's what I do when I lose mine. 373 00:15:59,430 --> 00:16:03,032 Ooh, this is interesting. Get in here, we'll learn it together. 374 00:16:03,051 --> 00:16:04,311 But everyone'll laugh at us. 375 00:16:04,334 --> 00:16:06,915 They can drive it or milk it as far as I'm concerned. 376 00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,729 I don't know what that means. I heard my dad say it. 377 00:16:14,686 --> 00:16:16,164 My dad just died. 378 00:16:18,587 --> 00:16:22,156 Well, if you want to come over, and listen to mine say 379 00:16:22,175 --> 00:16:25,187 "They can drive it or milk it..." you can. 380 00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:28,255 He's also got one about the turds in City Hall. 381 00:16:29,713 --> 00:16:31,091 Thanks. 382 00:16:39,906 --> 00:16:41,955 - I'm Cece. - Jess. 383 00:16:43,911 --> 00:16:45,993 I was your first student. 384 00:16:53,591 --> 00:16:55,958 Hey, Candace. Um... 385 00:16:55,988 --> 00:16:57,981 Yeah, actually... 386 00:16:58,826 --> 00:17:00,946 I'm not going to take the job. 387 00:17:01,977 --> 00:17:04,412 Yeah, I'll see you Sunday. Okay, bye. 388 00:17:04,923 --> 00:17:06,256 - Yeah! - Whoo! 389 00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:07,960 - Thanks guys. - Yes! 390 00:17:08,174 --> 00:17:10,014 Thanks guys. 391 00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:11,839 You did it. 392 00:17:11,863 --> 00:17:13,250 Good stuff. 393 00:17:13,648 --> 00:17:15,810 Hey, she did it. 394 00:17:16,019 --> 00:17:17,786 You made the right call, Jess. What's wrong? 395 00:17:17,806 --> 00:17:19,843 I think you're right. I made the right decision. 396 00:17:23,060 --> 00:17:25,234 Look, I know it's hard, 397 00:17:25,259 --> 00:17:27,103 but the hard is what... 398 00:17:27,123 --> 00:17:28,849 makes it good. 399 00:17:29,919 --> 00:17:32,176 - Uhm, A League of Their Own - Is that from A League of Their Own. 400 00:17:32,198 --> 00:17:34,005 Yes, of course. All of my quotes are from a sports movie. 401 00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:35,425 You guys don't know them, and so they seem original. 402 00:17:35,443 --> 00:17:37,356 A League of Their Own is not a sports movie. 403 00:17:37,383 --> 00:17:39,118 It's a sports movie, first and foremost. 404 00:17:39,131 --> 00:17:41,582 It's about sisterhood and the war. 405 00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:43,781 - Yeah, absolutely. - It's about a baseball team grinding it up. 406 00:17:43,795 --> 00:17:47,604 ♪ This used to be my playground... ♪ 407 00:17:48,113 --> 00:17:49,366 Coming right up. 408 00:17:49,505 --> 00:17:51,596 His sister really worries about his drinking, so what I do is 409 00:17:51,616 --> 00:17:55,729 I come in early, and I soak a teabag until the water turns brown 410 00:17:55,744 --> 00:17:57,701 and looks like booze. 411 00:17:57,712 --> 00:17:59,110 I call it tea-water. 412 00:17:59,147 --> 00:18:00,454 So... 413 00:18:00,778 --> 00:18:02,026 tea. 414 00:18:02,109 --> 00:18:05,301 I will take a big old glass of booze-water. 415 00:18:05,319 --> 00:18:07,592 Got an antacid commercial tomorrow 416 00:18:07,622 --> 00:18:09,709 - and I'm playing day-old curry. - Oof. 417 00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:14,330 Or you can bartend. You can bartend till you're 90 years old. 418 00:18:14,381 --> 00:18:17,002 Why don't you fire this down to Kevin-97? 419 00:18:21,948 --> 00:18:23,577 Oh, no. 420 00:18:24,698 --> 00:18:25,952 We're gonna work on that. 421 00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:27,333 Good morning, everybody. 422 00:18:27,362 --> 00:18:29,709 Welcome to Alge-Bio-Civics. 423 00:18:29,737 --> 00:18:32,624 Turn in your equations, and you will get a frog. 424 00:18:32,646 --> 00:18:34,888 Dissect carefully, because inside the frog 425 00:18:34,907 --> 00:18:37,317 is the name of the city council member 426 00:18:37,344 --> 00:18:40,175 who you will be e-mailing to restart construction. 427 00:18:40,195 --> 00:18:41,057 - Ms. Day? - Yes. 428 00:18:41,069 --> 00:18:43,243 I thought this was gonna be a disaster. 429 00:18:43,264 --> 00:18:47,234 But thanks to you, I can go upstairs to the big boys 430 00:18:47,248 --> 00:18:50,215 and tell them they can always depend... 431 00:18:50,852 --> 00:18:53,255 on Dr. Alan Foster. 432 00:18:54,844 --> 00:18:56,001 Yeah. 433 00:18:56,277 --> 00:18:58,976 Please take his job, I'm begging you. 434 00:18:59,094 --> 00:19:02,361 I'd do it myself, but I'd never pass the psych test. 435 00:19:02,524 --> 00:19:03,651 So I figure... 436 00:19:03,664 --> 00:19:07,132 if Foster can be a principal, then why can't I be a principal? 437 00:19:07,162 --> 00:19:08,669 - That's great. - I don't see why not. 438 00:19:08,683 --> 00:19:10,870 - Thank you. - Then you could take me to the principal's office 439 00:19:10,876 --> 00:19:13,075 and punish me for being tardy, and... 440 00:19:13,088 --> 00:19:15,241 - You know we're right here, right? - Just lift up my britches and... 441 00:19:15,263 --> 00:19:16,430 - We'll talk about it later. - Okay. 442 00:19:16,449 --> 00:19:17,862 - We'll do it in my office. - Very nice. 443 00:19:17,892 --> 00:19:19,252 After I fill up my juice box. 444 00:19:20,214 --> 00:19:22,306 So, guys, just quit my job today. 445 00:19:22,326 --> 00:19:24,044 - Whoa, big decision. - Oh, man! - What? 446 00:19:24,065 --> 00:19:25,561 I just finally said to myself, 447 00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:27,280 "It is time to make your own decisions." 448 00:19:27,289 --> 00:19:28,189 - Right on. - Yeah. 449 00:19:28,202 --> 00:19:30,857 If it doesn't work out, I'm sure they'd be happy to have you back. 450 00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:33,016 They would... they would not like to have me back. 451 00:19:33,048 --> 00:19:34,515 - I burned a lot of bridges today. - Mmm. 452 00:19:34,528 --> 00:19:36,677 Uh, stuff got weird. Stuff got... racial. 453 00:19:36,690 --> 00:19:38,237 - What? - I used a lot of swearwords. 454 00:19:38,266 --> 00:19:39,835 Then I got sexual... 455 00:19:39,855 --> 00:19:42,113 Well, sounds like you need a drink. On the house. 456 00:19:42,130 --> 00:19:44,748 - What can I get you? - Ooh... Let me get a, let me get a... 457 00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,273 We have everything. What would you like to drink? 458 00:19:46,294 --> 00:19:48,167 But you know, I'll make the decision. 459 00:19:48,195 --> 00:19:49,671 Let me get... 460 00:19:50,026 --> 00:19:52,039 - Double amaretto, extra cherries! - Double amaretto, extra cherries! 461 00:19:52,053 --> 00:19:54,180 - That's what I was gonna say. - Nice. 462 00:19:55,374 --> 00:19:57,481 - Oh, dear. - Oh, my goodness! 463 00:19:57,507 --> 00:19:59,114 My first shift, you know? I'm still working on it. 464 00:19:59,134 --> 00:20:00,666 - She's getting better. - That was great. 465 00:20:00,685 --> 00:20:02,918 - That was awesome. - Yeah. A natural. 466 00:20:05,234 --> 00:20:06,314 - Hey. - Hey. 467 00:20:06,333 --> 00:20:08,492 Sorry I didn't let you finish your story. 468 00:20:12,477 --> 00:20:14,899 - What's this? - The end of my story. 469 00:20:17,511 --> 00:20:19,175 No way! 470 00:20:20,495 --> 00:20:22,768 You passed the bar exam? 471 00:20:23,568 --> 00:20:26,536 I wanted to prove to myself that I dropped out of law school 472 00:20:26,549 --> 00:20:28,798 because I wanted to be a bartender, 473 00:20:28,835 --> 00:20:30,782 not because I couldn't be a lawyer. 474 00:20:30,795 --> 00:20:32,632 - This also says "spaghetti sandwich." - That's just 'cause 475 00:20:32,653 --> 00:20:34,766 it's a great idea. When I have a great idea, I write it down. 476 00:20:35,467 --> 00:20:36,460 The point is... 477 00:20:36,464 --> 00:20:37,875 is I want this. 478 00:20:38,353 --> 00:20:39,867 You know, it makes me happy. 479 00:20:40,038 --> 00:20:41,269 Well, here. 480 00:20:42,068 --> 00:20:44,066 Now, can I get you a drink? 481 00:20:44,398 --> 00:20:45,856 - Sure. - Sure. 482 00:20:51,485 --> 00:20:52,940 Cheers. To unemployment. 483 00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:54,746 - Absolutely. - Exactly. 484 00:21:17,168 --> 00:21:19,471 I see you're looking at a Douglas fir. 485 00:21:19,491 --> 00:21:22,711 It's a beautiful tree. We move a ton of these Dougie firs. Love them. 486 00:21:22,777 --> 00:21:24,124 But... 487 00:21:24,338 --> 00:21:26,736 I feel like you're ready for the spruce lifestyle. 488 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:28,460 Let's spruce this up. 489 00:21:28,473 --> 00:21:29,995 Let me put you in a spruce today. 490 00:21:30,023 --> 00:21:32,403 What kind of ceilings you dealing with at home? Vaulted? Cathedral? 491 00:21:32,423 --> 00:21:33,593 By the way, there's no wrong answer. 492 00:21:33,619 --> 00:21:35,346 You look like a confident man, you know that? 493 00:21:35,365 --> 00:21:36,965 You deserve a confident tree... 494 00:21:37,235 --> 00:21:42,235 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther