1 00:00:00,873 --> 00:00:03,688 ♪ Oh, snap, snap, ♪ 2 00:00:03,721 --> 00:00:05,794 - ♪ Oh, snap, snap. ♪ - Wow... 3 00:00:05,814 --> 00:00:07,430 - That sounds pretty good. - Thank you. 4 00:00:07,445 --> 00:00:08,590 Hey, listen. Schmidt, 5 00:00:08,615 --> 00:00:11,295 I've been kinda stuck on this whole career search thing. 6 00:00:11,328 --> 00:00:13,200 - Oh. - You think I'd be good at advertising? 7 00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:16,777 - I mean, that's what you do, right? - Advertising is a dog. Drinking beer. 8 00:00:16,889 --> 00:00:18,842 A fat moron falling down the stairs. 9 00:00:18,855 --> 00:00:21,967 A snot-nosed brat kicking his rapping grandpa in the testicles. 10 00:00:21,973 --> 00:00:24,386 The rapping grandpa kills me, though. 11 00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:27,659 I am in marketing, Winston. The backbone of capitalism. 12 00:00:27,672 --> 00:00:30,020 - Without it, you'd be dead in two days. - I could be good at that. 13 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,198 Probably not, but you can shadow me at work today to find out. 14 00:00:32,217 --> 00:00:35,738 Yeah! Team drug store, back from mission. 15 00:00:35,758 --> 00:00:38,981 - Drug store, right, Coach? - Yeah. Uh, can I have my bag? 16 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,003 - Yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff. - Thanks. 17 00:00:41,016 --> 00:00:42,976 So, same time next week, right? 18 00:00:43,003 --> 00:00:46,003 Team drug store? We'll go again to the drug store? 19 00:00:46,027 --> 00:00:49,722 Team drug store? Ugh! God! What a walnut! 20 00:00:51,029 --> 00:00:53,335 It's been two months we've been living with him, 21 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:54,540 and I have yet to crack him. 22 00:00:54,558 --> 00:00:57,956 It's like we just spent an hour together. It was, like, nothing, no connection. 23 00:00:57,984 --> 00:01:00,151 And don't tell me it's in my mind, because it's not. 24 00:01:00,157 --> 00:01:01,691 We ran into one of his friends, 25 00:01:01,716 --> 00:01:03,850 and Coach said the meanest thing about me. 26 00:01:03,865 --> 00:01:07,052 Check these out. Can you believe these are for glaucoma? 27 00:01:07,417 --> 00:01:09,180 She's my buddy's girlfriend. 28 00:01:11,954 --> 00:01:13,854 You are my girlfriend. What's the big deal? 29 00:01:13,873 --> 00:01:16,134 I want him to think of me as his friend. 30 00:01:16,151 --> 00:01:18,027 - Oh, I hear that. - Well, it'll happen if it's meant to. 31 00:01:18,046 --> 00:01:19,320 I need to find a way in. 32 00:01:19,333 --> 00:01:22,633 I found a way to force myself into all of your lives. You just didn't know it. 33 00:01:22,653 --> 00:01:26,092 - Food, clothes, Onesie pajamas. - I like the butt flap. 34 00:01:26,123 --> 00:01:27,727 You really think mine was food? 35 00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:31,659 I can think of five other reasons I wanted to be your friend. 36 00:01:31,678 --> 00:01:33,155 Boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, butt cheek. 37 00:01:33,173 --> 00:01:34,100 In that order? 38 00:01:34,118 --> 00:01:36,897 Well, I'm not gonna say, "vagina, butt cheek, boob, butt cheek, boob." 39 00:01:36,909 --> 00:01:38,735 - Yeah, but that's the correct... - That's the order, yeah. 40 00:01:39,193 --> 00:01:41,961 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 41 00:01:41,981 --> 00:01:43,321 ♪ Who's that girl? 42 00:01:43,334 --> 00:01:45,235 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. 43 00:01:45,381 --> 00:01:47,136 Look, Nick, I need help. 44 00:01:47,173 --> 00:01:49,353 Like, tell me about Coach. Like, what's up with him? 45 00:01:49,372 --> 00:01:51,917 - What does he like? What does he dislike? - Well, Coach 101 is, 46 00:01:51,937 --> 00:01:53,085 he's watching basketball. 47 00:01:53,108 --> 00:01:56,479 And that's all he's gonna do from October till June. His team's the Pistons. 48 00:01:57,467 --> 00:02:00,218 I mean, they were great in the '80s, but then we got Jordan. 49 00:02:00,239 --> 00:02:02,512 Then they started getting good. Then we got Thibodeau. 50 00:02:02,518 --> 00:02:04,332 What you gonna do now? And he knows that. 51 00:02:04,351 --> 00:02:06,324 That's genius. Basketball. That's my way in. 52 00:02:06,345 --> 00:02:08,747 Basketball's not your in. You don't know anything about basketball. 53 00:02:08,767 --> 00:02:10,819 - Come on. - You refer to it as "basketsball." 54 00:02:10,844 --> 00:02:13,237 Well, that's the technically-correct term, Nick. 55 00:02:13,273 --> 00:02:16,217 There are two baskets. I'm an English teacher. 56 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:17,847 Basketball's just the first step. 57 00:02:17,865 --> 00:02:20,538 We sit down, we watch a game. We have a few laughs. 58 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,450 Before you know it, 59 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,916 we'll be digging into each other's pasts. 60 00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:27,069 - That's not how it works, though. - Childhoods, Nick. 61 00:02:27,086 --> 00:02:28,414 That's the friendship money shot. 62 00:02:28,427 --> 00:02:31,179 Men watch sports so we don't have to talk about childhood stuff. 63 00:02:31,206 --> 00:02:33,179 - No. - It's a real thing. 64 00:02:33,213 --> 00:02:34,932 And the game doesn't even have deeper meaning. 65 00:02:34,958 --> 00:02:36,718 - Come on. - And there's no layers to it. 66 00:02:36,737 --> 00:02:39,989 If I'm talking about a player overcoming the defense to win, 67 00:02:40,002 --> 00:02:41,997 - ...that's not like I'm overcoming it. - No. Come on. 68 00:02:42,016 --> 00:02:44,572 Not only that. He's a Pistons fan, and I'm a Bulls fan. 69 00:02:44,590 --> 00:02:45,983 Right. I don't understand, no. 70 00:02:46,002 --> 00:02:48,273 - It's rivalries. - Sharks and cats. 71 00:02:48,292 --> 00:02:51,633 - Yankees, Red Sox. - Whales and dolphins. 72 00:02:51,652 --> 00:02:53,165 Pistons fan, Bulls fan. End of discussion. 73 00:02:53,188 --> 00:02:56,286 I get it. Jean Valjean and Javert. 74 00:02:56,309 --> 00:03:00,446 Yeah, definitely. This is like a Jean Vanjer and Vajer situation. 75 00:03:00,474 --> 00:03:03,942 - So, where do you do the marketing? - Oh, Winston, so sweet, so naive. 76 00:03:03,955 --> 00:03:06,318 Where do we do the marketing? We do the marketing everywhere. 77 00:03:06,350 --> 00:03:09,282 Now, you're gonna want to take notes on everything I do, 78 00:03:09,295 --> 00:03:11,515 'cause you're about to see life happen at the speed of business. 79 00:03:11,535 --> 00:03:13,962 - Schmidt. I have a task for you. - Hi, Kim. 80 00:03:13,989 --> 00:03:16,489 We got a new guy, and I want you to show him around. 81 00:03:16,522 --> 00:03:17,246 Wait. Who's this? 82 00:03:17,271 --> 00:03:19,924 - Oh, I'm just shadowing Schmidt. - Called my bluff. Don't care... 83 00:03:19,969 --> 00:03:22,782 Ed...? Come meet Schmidt. 84 00:03:22,804 --> 00:03:24,187 Okeydokey. 85 00:03:24,242 --> 00:03:26,925 That's the new guy? "New" compared to what, the moon? 86 00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:31,121 Here's what happened. Gwen turned 45, so we had to fire her. 87 00:03:31,140 --> 00:03:34,441 Obviously. So, wait. Gwen's job is available? 88 00:03:34,461 --> 00:03:37,172 Yeah, but then grandma turned around and filed an ageism lawsuit, 89 00:03:37,192 --> 00:03:39,579 so we hired Bran Flakes here to cover our ass. 90 00:03:39,592 --> 00:03:40,939 - Just do it. - All right, I'll do it. 91 00:03:40,955 --> 00:03:43,148 - Well, here I am. - Okay. 92 00:03:43,176 --> 00:03:45,529 I'm Schmidt. I guess they wanted you to learn from the best. 93 00:03:45,549 --> 00:03:48,722 Well, actually, they said your office was closest to the can. 94 00:03:48,744 --> 00:03:51,402 I got a prostate the size of an avacada. 95 00:03:51,422 --> 00:03:54,535 - "Closest to the can." - Do not write that down, Winston! 96 00:03:54,556 --> 00:03:56,229 Is it not closest to the can? 97 00:03:57,541 --> 00:03:58,907 Yes! 98 00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:01,005 Hey. Whoa. 99 00:04:01,035 --> 00:04:03,515 I stay sealed off during basketball season. 100 00:04:03,655 --> 00:04:06,172 Plus, I, uh, dropped some olives under the bed, can't reach 'em. 101 00:04:06,191 --> 00:04:08,233 Oh. I got little pinchers. 102 00:04:08,543 --> 00:04:10,304 Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yoom. 103 00:04:10,363 --> 00:04:12,276 Hey, so... 104 00:04:13,361 --> 00:04:16,043 I was gonna watch the, uh, Pistons of Detroit game. 105 00:04:16,059 --> 00:04:18,699 Don't really have the reach for that. Good thing I got legs. 106 00:04:18,718 --> 00:04:20,271 - Wait. You like the Pistons? - Oh, yeah. 107 00:04:20,296 --> 00:04:22,323 - Just like you. - Are you serious?! 108 00:04:22,478 --> 00:04:24,305 - Yeah, I'm dead serious. - Aw! 109 00:04:24,331 --> 00:04:26,729 - So, you in? - Be cool to watch it on a big TV. 110 00:04:27,418 --> 00:04:28,952 - I found your olives. - Oh, you did? 111 00:04:28,980 --> 00:04:31,387 - Thought they were gonna be in a jar. - No. 112 00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:34,646 This is a big part of the biz, my man. 113 00:04:34,658 --> 00:04:36,800 Networking, face time, making deals. 114 00:04:36,819 --> 00:04:40,193 Normally, this would have a much sexier, businessman's vibe. 115 00:04:40,214 --> 00:04:43,510 But not when I'm dragging around this old drooling potato. 116 00:04:43,543 --> 00:04:46,143 Potata? Yeah, I can split a baked potata. 117 00:04:46,155 --> 00:04:48,948 What a life you must have lead. Tell us about the street car, will you? 118 00:04:48,965 --> 00:04:50,926 Oh, it was a dynamite way to get around. 119 00:04:50,932 --> 00:04:53,336 - Mm-hmm. - Pasadena to to the beach... 120 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:55,154 - Hey. - I'll take another one of these. 121 00:04:55,181 --> 00:04:57,341 - Sure. - You know, Cece, I can't help but think 122 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:02,090 that I am just following another bad lead with this marketing thing. 123 00:05:02,112 --> 00:05:04,663 All I'm doing is taking a bunch of notes for Schmidt. 124 00:05:05,247 --> 00:05:08,374 What's this? "Seems befuddled and totally lucid"? 125 00:05:08,630 --> 00:05:11,229 - "Smells too clean"? - Those were just notes about Ed. 126 00:05:11,414 --> 00:05:14,395 I'll tell you what. That dude is way more interesting than marketing. 127 00:05:14,786 --> 00:05:18,355 If I'm gonna take Gwen's job and become the next CIO of Ass-Strat, 128 00:05:18,381 --> 00:05:20,721 I can't just embrace modernization. 129 00:05:20,741 --> 00:05:22,853 I got to make babies with it. Do you know what I mean? 130 00:05:22,866 --> 00:05:26,616 It's time to unveil my baby. Micro-marketing. 131 00:05:26,696 --> 00:05:30,583 Yeah, we target our messages directly to the individual consumer. 132 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,481 What a good idea. 133 00:05:32,594 --> 00:05:36,047 They're gonna hold a ticker-tape parade for you in the Jewish part of town. 134 00:05:36,060 --> 00:05:37,889 That's right. In the Jewish part of town. 135 00:05:39,528 --> 00:05:42,180 - Mm. - Nothing but net. 136 00:05:42,244 --> 00:05:45,566 Traditionally, "Nothing but net" refers to hitting nothing but inside of the net. 137 00:05:45,588 --> 00:05:47,831 - Oh? - Ah, so, yeah, no. 138 00:05:48,481 --> 00:05:49,951 Oh, time-out. 139 00:05:50,357 --> 00:05:51,719 Butt bump. 140 00:05:52,371 --> 00:05:53,078 What? 141 00:05:53,104 --> 00:05:55,298 - I'm ready. - What? The butt...? Oh. 142 00:05:55,322 --> 00:05:57,596 - Come on. - All right. 143 00:05:58,004 --> 00:06:00,917 - Hey! Hey! What is that? - It's the Pistons butt bump. 144 00:06:00,930 --> 00:06:03,081 I didn't know your girlfriend was a Pistons fan. 145 00:06:03,806 --> 00:06:05,213 That's got to suck for you, man. 146 00:06:05,229 --> 00:06:08,362 But I guess everything sucks for you when you root for the Bulls. 147 00:06:09,522 --> 00:06:11,465 - Butt bump! Ah. - Ah. Ooh. 148 00:06:11,485 --> 00:06:15,310 Oh, cool, cool, cool. So you're a Pistons fan now, Jess? 149 00:06:15,431 --> 00:06:18,351 - Suck it, Bulls! - Yeah. Suck it, Bulls! 150 00:06:18,364 --> 00:06:19,697 The worst team in the League, 151 00:06:19,735 --> 00:06:22,662 - the Bulls. - Oh, it's the worst team in the League, all right. 152 00:06:22,684 --> 00:06:25,142 - Who is the worst team in the League, Jess? - The Bulls. 153 00:06:25,563 --> 00:06:29,193 ♪ The Bulls are the worst team in the League. ♪ 154 00:06:31,376 --> 00:06:32,681 Hey. 155 00:06:33,147 --> 00:06:35,912 So, went really well today. 156 00:06:35,973 --> 00:06:38,752 I think Coach and I are really connecting. 157 00:06:39,612 --> 00:06:41,336 Come on, what is that? 158 00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:45,575 What do you mean? 159 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:49,207 What? Oh, Coach gave this to me. How cute is this shirt? 160 00:06:49,369 --> 00:06:52,169 Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm gonna need you to get out of my bed. 161 00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:55,027 - Why? Because of the shirt? - 100% because of the shirt. 162 00:06:55,611 --> 00:06:57,198 Oh, my God, you're serious. 163 00:06:57,211 --> 00:06:58,743 I can't have you in my bed in a Pistons shirt. 164 00:06:58,761 --> 00:07:00,381 - Oh, my God! - I need you to get out of the bed. 165 00:07:00,394 --> 00:07:01,927 Jess, I need you to get out of there. 166 00:07:01,937 --> 00:07:03,925 I tried being cool about it, but it's not cool. 167 00:07:03,951 --> 00:07:04,885 - Really? - Really. 168 00:07:04,907 --> 00:07:07,772 Nick, it's just basketball. Why are you taking this personally? 169 00:07:07,798 --> 00:07:10,694 Because it's personal, Jess! That's my team. 170 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,571 It's the city that I'm from. 171 00:07:12,836 --> 00:07:14,916 It's most of my relationship with my dad. 172 00:07:14,941 --> 00:07:16,568 R.I.P., by the way. 173 00:07:16,587 --> 00:07:17,927 Michael Jordan. 174 00:07:17,955 --> 00:07:20,348 The first man that taught me that I could love a man. 175 00:07:20,366 --> 00:07:23,179 And the Pistons are our rivals. They're like in Hamlet... 176 00:07:23,204 --> 00:07:25,915 The McCalls and the... Sh... Hacksperes. 177 00:07:26,381 --> 00:07:28,601 You're my girlfriend now, so... 178 00:07:28,626 --> 00:07:30,739 - You got to be a Bulls fan. - That's the whole point, Nick. 179 00:07:30,765 --> 00:07:32,591 Coach just thinks of me as your girlfriend, 180 00:07:32,611 --> 00:07:34,811 and I want him to know me for me. 181 00:07:34,860 --> 00:07:37,920 - Do you want me to be friends with Coach? - I-I absolutely do. Yes. 182 00:07:37,939 --> 00:07:41,362 So, then, why can't I be a Pistons fan until we become friends, 183 00:07:41,558 --> 00:07:42,718 and then I'll switch to the Bulls? 184 00:07:42,755 --> 00:07:44,222 So every year you can just pick a new team? 185 00:07:44,227 --> 00:07:46,334 You meet a new friend, you're a fan of that? 186 00:07:46,361 --> 00:07:48,902 - I could never trust you. - Can we just have sex now, please? 187 00:07:48,915 --> 00:07:51,468 I'm sorry. You can't be a Pistons fan. I forbid it. 188 00:07:51,735 --> 00:07:55,956 - It has to be this way. - You can't forbid me to do stuff. 189 00:07:55,962 --> 00:07:58,132 That's just not... you... That's not within your power. 190 00:07:58,151 --> 00:07:59,891 - I just did. - The shirt stays! 191 00:07:59,910 --> 00:08:02,583 Jessica, you're leaving me no options here. 192 00:08:02,874 --> 00:08:05,241 - I'm gonna have to turn off the tap. - What tap? 193 00:08:05,273 --> 00:08:06,765 The sex tap. 194 00:08:07,889 --> 00:08:10,408 - But I need my vitamin D. - As long as you're wearing that shirt, 195 00:08:10,528 --> 00:08:12,014 the tap is off. 196 00:08:12,255 --> 00:08:15,336 - No more... hot water. - All right, fine, then. 197 00:08:15,349 --> 00:08:18,467 My shirt and I will go sleep in my bed. 198 00:08:24,529 --> 00:08:26,463 Oh. What happened to your Pistons jersey? 199 00:08:26,482 --> 00:08:30,250 Did you rip it off and rush in here 'cause she got to have it? 200 00:08:30,265 --> 00:08:32,478 - Look, is this still a thing? - Oh, it's still a thing. 201 00:08:32,497 --> 00:08:34,557 No sex for you as long as you're a Pistons fan. 202 00:08:34,576 --> 00:08:37,693 You can't use sex to manipulate... What are you doing? 203 00:08:37,715 --> 00:08:39,715 Just brushing my dirty teeth. 204 00:08:40,211 --> 00:08:41,073 They're filthy. 205 00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:44,393 Nick, do not challenge me to a sex standoff. 206 00:08:44,413 --> 00:08:47,213 I can channel all my sexual energy into knitting. 207 00:08:47,233 --> 00:08:48,686 How do you think I made it through high school? 208 00:08:48,713 --> 00:08:50,906 It's good when you go fast and then slow. 209 00:08:50,925 --> 00:08:52,776 Make the teeth wait for it. 210 00:08:53,698 --> 00:08:55,385 - You're on. - Oh! 211 00:08:55,775 --> 00:08:57,562 Oh! Oh! 212 00:08:57,577 --> 00:09:00,284 - Oh! Yeah! - Oh! Yeah! Turnover! 213 00:09:00,297 --> 00:09:02,091 - Dunk it from the downtown! - Go! Go! Go! 214 00:09:02,105 --> 00:09:04,956 - Pass that pumpkin to Josh Smith. - You better listen to my friend. 215 00:09:04,975 --> 00:09:07,386 She knows exactly what she's talking about! 216 00:09:07,537 --> 00:09:09,317 Did you just call me your friend? 217 00:09:09,361 --> 00:09:10,234 Hmm? 218 00:09:10,261 --> 00:09:11,675 What's up, guys? 219 00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:15,352 Ah, two minutes in, and the Pistons are already down by ten. What a drag. 220 00:09:15,371 --> 00:09:17,132 What the heck are you wearing, dude? 221 00:09:17,156 --> 00:09:19,143 Just my Scottie Pippens. Yeah. 222 00:09:19,163 --> 00:09:21,778 Oh, hey, I'm just checking up on you. You frustrated at all? 223 00:09:22,180 --> 00:09:25,116 - You need your... vitamin D? - No. 224 00:09:28,403 --> 00:09:29,863 Jessica... 225 00:09:29,889 --> 00:09:31,761 - Three-point play! Yes! - Oh, yeah! 226 00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:35,019 - That's what I'm talking about! - We are talking about the same thing... 227 00:09:35,032 --> 00:09:36,678 My friend and I. 228 00:09:38,140 --> 00:09:41,006 Do my berries make you hungry? 229 00:09:43,671 --> 00:09:45,513 Mmm. Refreshing. 230 00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:47,128 Just drink the water, Nick. 231 00:09:48,387 --> 00:09:50,860 - You're turning yourself on now. - I really am, yeah. 232 00:09:51,962 --> 00:09:53,897 Okay, next order of business is... 233 00:09:53,919 --> 00:09:57,716 Kim, if I may, uh, present an idea very quickly to the group. 234 00:09:57,735 --> 00:09:59,356 - While I know... - Micro-marketing. 235 00:09:59,376 --> 00:10:00,136 What? 236 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,048 Has this company ever considered targeting 237 00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:04,691 its message to individual consumers? 238 00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:06,458 Big data's knocking. 239 00:10:06,483 --> 00:10:08,330 Let's open the door. Just a thought. 240 00:10:08,355 --> 00:10:11,355 Yeah, interesting. Ed, look into that and present it to the board asap. 241 00:10:11,381 --> 00:10:15,011 Great job. I'd hug you, but you smell like a public library. 242 00:10:15,669 --> 00:10:18,352 - What are you doing? - I may be dirty, but I play old. 243 00:10:18,372 --> 00:10:22,512 - You said that wrong. - And yet I got my paw wrapped around your avacadas. 244 00:10:22,718 --> 00:10:24,632 What is with you and avacadas? 245 00:10:24,663 --> 00:10:25,813 Sorry. 246 00:10:26,739 --> 00:10:28,988 You're never gonna believe what Ed just did. 247 00:10:29,266 --> 00:10:30,526 He stabbed you in the back. 248 00:10:30,539 --> 00:10:32,685 Winston, that's exactly what happened. How did you do that? 249 00:10:32,691 --> 00:10:34,257 I figured him out, Schmidt. 250 00:10:34,285 --> 00:10:36,700 That liver spot out-sharked me. 251 00:10:36,725 --> 00:10:39,112 Can you believe that? I'm-I'm a minnow. 252 00:10:39,136 --> 00:10:41,957 Tomorrow, Ed is gonna present my idea to the board, 253 00:10:41,970 --> 00:10:44,336 and then he's gonna get the... get the promotion. 254 00:10:44,355 --> 00:10:46,944 My career is toast. Minnow toast. 255 00:10:47,221 --> 00:10:48,620 Yeah, well, I tip my hat to him. 256 00:10:48,633 --> 00:10:50,954 The minnow tips his tiny hat to the shark, 257 00:10:50,972 --> 00:10:52,866 and then lays down on the toast to be eaten. 258 00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:55,394 There is too much going on in whatever metaphor you're trying. 259 00:10:55,420 --> 00:10:57,580 - Okay? It's too busy. - Somewhat made se... Oh, forget it. 260 00:10:57,602 --> 00:11:00,669 - Ed wins. I'm a mess. - Hell, no, Schmidt. 261 00:11:00,685 --> 00:11:02,652 Justice has to be served, all right? 262 00:11:02,664 --> 00:11:04,791 - Mm-hmm. - Right. Let us stop Ed. 263 00:11:04,815 --> 00:11:07,623 The minnow needs to get up off of... 264 00:11:07,646 --> 00:11:09,806 No, off of the toast mat 265 00:11:09,820 --> 00:11:13,770 and fish-fight his way to the orangutan ball. 266 00:11:15,491 --> 00:11:19,719 I just don't understand why they keep giving these games away! 267 00:11:20,544 --> 00:11:23,232 You know what it was? It was that turnover in the third quarter. 268 00:11:23,239 --> 00:11:24,965 - Right. - Yeah. I'll show you. 269 00:11:24,998 --> 00:11:28,336 - I can just take your word for it. - Actually, let's do it from the beginning. 270 00:11:28,358 --> 00:11:31,471 You want to watch the game we just watched all over again? 271 00:11:31,498 --> 00:11:33,675 - Mm-hmm. - With both overtimes? 272 00:11:33,702 --> 00:11:35,088 Mm-hmm. 273 00:11:36,344 --> 00:11:37,498 Great. 274 00:11:46,244 --> 00:11:48,251 - Looking for somebody? - Just doing a bed check. 275 00:11:48,264 --> 00:11:51,673 And you are accounted for, so... 276 00:11:52,523 --> 00:11:54,401 - See you. - So, how's it going? 277 00:11:55,262 --> 00:11:57,322 You guys bonding over basketball, Jess? 278 00:11:57,334 --> 00:11:59,610 We're actually this close to moving past 279 00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:01,862 basketball and into real friendship, so... 280 00:12:01,877 --> 00:12:03,234 - Great. - I'm feeling pretty good about it. 281 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:04,935 After the Pistons lost, 282 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,387 did he get really sad and talk to you about it? 283 00:12:07,408 --> 00:12:10,402 About how he felt and you guys became besties after? 284 00:12:10,433 --> 00:12:14,071 Or did that not happen because that's not the way men are? 285 00:12:14,955 --> 00:12:17,989 The Pistons lost, so you must be feeling pretty good. 286 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,620 - Oh, I'm happy, yeah. - Yeah...? 287 00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,793 - You're feeling excited? - Mm-hmm. 288 00:12:21,834 --> 00:12:23,476 - Worked up? - Yeah. 289 00:12:24,152 --> 00:12:25,119 Ready to cave? 290 00:12:25,138 --> 00:12:27,291 - Oh, I've never been stronger. - Oh, yeah? 291 00:12:27,507 --> 00:12:30,360 So if I just read you a description of... 292 00:12:30,858 --> 00:12:32,873 Like, what a Piston does, you know, 293 00:12:32,898 --> 00:12:35,125 on my phone, it wouldn't affect you at all? 294 00:12:35,158 --> 00:12:36,752 Is that what you're saying? 295 00:12:37,053 --> 00:12:39,182 It's just a rod 296 00:12:39,209 --> 00:12:42,802 that transfers, uh, force 297 00:12:42,820 --> 00:12:44,312 from the crank shaft... 298 00:12:44,325 --> 00:12:47,158 What is this, a seduction class for kindergarteners? 299 00:12:47,792 --> 00:12:49,639 Watch the master work. 300 00:12:51,819 --> 00:12:54,264 Ooh. 301 00:12:56,322 --> 00:12:58,058 How about this? 302 00:13:03,270 --> 00:13:05,148 A little Paula Abdul stuff. 303 00:13:06,728 --> 00:13:08,061 Oh. 304 00:13:10,051 --> 00:13:11,182 Yeah. 305 00:13:11,216 --> 00:13:12,925 Are we doing this? 306 00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:13,933 - Ha! - What are you doing? 307 00:13:13,952 --> 00:13:16,872 Ball's in my court now, pal. 308 00:13:17,951 --> 00:13:21,415 I'm turning off my tap until you become a Pistons fan. 309 00:13:21,435 --> 00:13:23,688 - Hey, that wasn't part of the deal. - It is now. 310 00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:24,956 Mmm. 311 00:13:32,444 --> 00:13:34,857 I can't figure out my counterstrike, Winston. 312 00:13:34,884 --> 00:13:37,651 The only thing we know about Ed is that he's old and cranky, 313 00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:40,472 and he baffles me because I'm so darn young and pleasant. 314 00:13:40,484 --> 00:13:43,799 We just got to get inside into his old, cranky mind. 315 00:13:43,812 --> 00:13:45,802 We have to find an older, crankier mind. 316 00:13:45,812 --> 00:13:47,699 How are we gonna find an older, crankier mind than Ed? 317 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,567 Hey, where are you guys getting your photos developed these days? 318 00:13:50,799 --> 00:13:54,446 I got these beefcake selfies that I want to dangle in front of Jess, 319 00:13:54,472 --> 00:13:55,973 get her engine revved up. 320 00:13:56,244 --> 00:14:00,657 - Your phone has a camera, Nick. - These are sexy, sensual, private pics. 321 00:14:00,676 --> 00:14:03,511 I don't want them beamed right into Snowden's pocket. 322 00:14:03,693 --> 00:14:06,993 I'm not going through Wikileaks, man. It's not for me. Analog. 323 00:14:07,016 --> 00:14:08,223 It's the only thing you can trust. 324 00:14:08,242 --> 00:14:10,871 You care to elaborate, you know, on this whole analog thing? 325 00:14:10,877 --> 00:14:13,671 No, here's the reality, you never know what's gonna happen with a phone. 326 00:14:13,707 --> 00:14:16,330 - Right. - The hinges that hold the flip together, 327 00:14:16,363 --> 00:14:18,556 they get loosened over time when-when they get wet. 328 00:14:18,570 --> 00:14:20,200 And then once you open it, it's easier for people 329 00:14:20,213 --> 00:14:23,559 to go in there and see your passwords and, you know, see your codes. 330 00:14:23,582 --> 00:14:26,455 Once the screen breaks, your information's in the Twitterverse, man. 331 00:14:26,469 --> 00:14:28,117 And it's all out there for everyone to see, 332 00:14:28,143 --> 00:14:30,241 all these little monkey elves, man, all these kids. 333 00:14:30,258 --> 00:14:32,678 That's all they do. Get your information, man. 334 00:14:32,702 --> 00:14:35,236 Bottom line is you can't control your technology. 335 00:14:35,303 --> 00:14:37,476 That's what's going on in Japan with all those robots. 336 00:14:37,494 --> 00:14:40,161 Not for me, man. That's why I trust a hard copy. 337 00:14:40,181 --> 00:14:42,592 - Plain and simple. - Hard copy, Schmidt. 338 00:14:42,616 --> 00:14:43,767 - Nice work. - Thank you. 339 00:14:43,793 --> 00:14:47,113 And, Nick, you know, if you're gonna be taking boudoir shots, please consult me. 340 00:14:47,135 --> 00:14:48,971 - I know. - I have a series of poses 341 00:14:48,991 --> 00:14:51,327 that many people, including myself, find very sexy. 342 00:14:51,337 --> 00:14:53,992 - Alright. - Okay, here's one that I call the half Nelson. 343 00:14:54,554 --> 00:14:57,236 - Yeah, I didn't do that. - This is called a Guy Fieri. 344 00:14:57,537 --> 00:14:59,070 - Just taste the sauces. - Yeah. 345 00:14:59,083 --> 00:15:00,563 Black licorice. 346 00:15:00,605 --> 00:15:01,755 Ooh. 347 00:15:01,972 --> 00:15:03,677 - Yeah. - You're welcome. 348 00:15:05,403 --> 00:15:06,736 - Schmidt's dead wrong. - Oh, yeah? 349 00:15:06,754 --> 00:15:08,402 I got some real hot pics in here. 350 00:15:08,427 --> 00:15:10,265 - I don't care. - There's one of me as a sexy mayor, 351 00:15:10,278 --> 00:15:13,079 looking out the window, deciding the future of my city. 352 00:15:13,099 --> 00:15:14,793 It's got to get her going. 353 00:15:14,818 --> 00:15:16,818 Daddy needs his cookie. 354 00:15:17,773 --> 00:15:19,706 Dude, just wear the damn Pistons jersey. 355 00:15:19,734 --> 00:15:21,680 Oh, my God, I've got to end this. 356 00:15:23,263 --> 00:15:25,583 What time is it?! 357 00:15:25,916 --> 00:15:27,456 Game time! 358 00:15:27,469 --> 00:15:29,618 - Yeah! - Yeah! 359 00:15:29,651 --> 00:15:31,531 It's my favorite time. 360 00:15:31,544 --> 00:15:33,531 Other than... medieval time. 361 00:15:33,761 --> 00:15:35,161 All right. 362 00:15:35,220 --> 00:15:36,320 Huh? 363 00:15:36,338 --> 00:15:37,405 - What the...? - What the...? 364 00:15:37,411 --> 00:15:40,174 - Let me see what's... - Wait, no, I'll do it. It's okay. 365 00:15:42,106 --> 00:15:44,909 No! Oh, my God, a mouse... 366 00:15:45,357 --> 00:15:48,010 Rat or s... Uh, some creature. 367 00:15:48,369 --> 00:15:51,496 - I got to go watch it in my room. - Wait, no, no, no. Coach, Coach, Coach. 368 00:15:51,512 --> 00:15:54,260 Look, since we can't watch the game, why don't we just... 369 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,527 - Have a nice, long chat over coffee? - What? 370 00:15:56,547 --> 00:15:59,081 - You know, just talk, hang out. - What...? 371 00:15:59,094 --> 00:16:01,706 And then coffee turns to dinner, and dinner turns to weekly dinner, 372 00:16:01,719 --> 00:16:04,704 and before you know it, I'm best man at your beach wedding. 373 00:16:05,108 --> 00:16:06,581 Do we have to? 374 00:16:08,148 --> 00:16:10,153 We don't... okay. 375 00:16:15,230 --> 00:16:17,643 - You start. - Me? 376 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,396 Hey, you want to do this over food? 377 00:16:22,435 --> 00:16:23,889 Yes! Yes! 378 00:16:23,908 --> 00:16:26,710 No! No, no, no, no! 379 00:16:26,727 --> 00:16:28,660 No! Come on! 380 00:16:28,673 --> 00:16:31,482 Get your head out of your ass, so you can see where you're going, damn it! 381 00:16:32,168 --> 00:16:32,848 Okay. 382 00:16:32,883 --> 00:16:34,357 - What? - I have to say it. 383 00:16:34,377 --> 00:16:35,996 Coach, I... 384 00:16:36,650 --> 00:16:38,830 I don't like basketball. 385 00:16:38,850 --> 00:16:41,608 - What? - There's, like, no fun parts. 386 00:16:41,796 --> 00:16:43,283 There's no themes. 387 00:16:43,301 --> 00:16:46,168 Men should not be wearing tank tops, ever. 388 00:16:46,309 --> 00:16:48,310 Why were you pretending to like basketball? 389 00:16:48,336 --> 00:16:49,956 'Cause I wanted to be friends with you. 390 00:16:49,962 --> 00:16:53,732 Dude, you're my buddy's girlfriend. We're watching the game. 391 00:16:53,758 --> 00:16:55,678 What's the problem, dude? What else do you want? 392 00:16:55,698 --> 00:16:59,926 No, you're right. I'm just, um... I'm just Nick's girlfriend, so... 393 00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:03,360 - Enjoy the game. Okay. - Where are you going? 394 00:17:03,384 --> 00:17:04,851 I'm just, um... 395 00:17:06,510 --> 00:17:08,371 - Jess... - Where... 396 00:17:08,853 --> 00:17:10,008 Jess! 397 00:17:10,072 --> 00:17:12,545 Ladies, you all look like a hundred bucks. 398 00:17:13,003 --> 00:17:16,273 I hope someone's taking you out for oysters Rockefeller tonight. 399 00:17:16,293 --> 00:17:17,426 Now, before I begin, 400 00:17:17,438 --> 00:17:20,715 my little helper here will distribute some handouts for your reference. 401 00:17:20,735 --> 00:17:22,588 Uh, you know what, Ed? I'm really sorry. 402 00:17:22,611 --> 00:17:24,924 Company printers are on the Fritz, so... 403 00:17:24,937 --> 00:17:28,920 Little helper that I am, I decided to load everything up onto the laptop. 404 00:17:32,616 --> 00:17:33,909 There you go. 405 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:39,899 Well, I'm sure there's a printer that works. 406 00:17:40,437 --> 00:17:43,273 - I'll just wait for the hard copies. - I broke all the printers. 407 00:17:43,293 --> 00:17:45,846 I'm gonna beat you with an orange in a sock. 408 00:17:45,859 --> 00:17:48,469 Besides, we're talking about technology, aren't we? 409 00:17:48,488 --> 00:17:51,403 Be a little silly to talk about technology without using technology. 410 00:17:51,423 --> 00:17:53,561 - Am I right, Kim? - Use the technology, Ed. 411 00:17:57,395 --> 00:17:59,519 Hup-I-dip-I-dip... 412 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,307 Oh... 413 00:18:03,767 --> 00:18:05,074 My left arm. 414 00:18:05,379 --> 00:18:06,619 My neck. 415 00:18:07,765 --> 00:18:11,165 You got me this time, Hebrew. But I'll be back. 416 00:18:12,085 --> 00:18:15,032 This is why the cutoff's at 45, ladies. 417 00:18:18,569 --> 00:18:20,498 Oh, okay. Okay. 418 00:18:23,157 --> 00:18:26,737 Jess! You win! I'm all backed up! 419 00:18:26,758 --> 00:18:29,480 I've even been fantasizing about Winston! 420 00:18:30,305 --> 00:18:32,278 Where is she, dude? 421 00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:34,084 Don't do that laugh. 422 00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:38,329 - What are you wearing, dude? - It's for sex. 423 00:18:38,349 --> 00:18:40,080 You like the Pistons. 424 00:18:40,098 --> 00:18:42,511 Why don't you shut up, Coach? 425 00:18:42,937 --> 00:18:45,524 - Where's Jess? - What is up with that girl, dude? 426 00:18:45,530 --> 00:18:47,536 One minute we're watching the game, the next she's, like, 427 00:18:47,555 --> 00:18:49,415 calling me a jerk and storming out of the place. 428 00:18:49,441 --> 00:18:52,434 She just wants to be your friend. Any idiot can see that. 429 00:18:52,457 --> 00:18:55,117 We were being friends. We were watching the game together. 430 00:18:55,131 --> 00:18:57,568 - It was an awesome game. - Okay, maybe she wants more than that. 431 00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:58,848 Like what? 432 00:18:58,943 --> 00:19:00,536 - You want to know a trick? - Absolutely. 433 00:19:00,551 --> 00:19:01,964 This is how you get in with Jess. 434 00:19:01,996 --> 00:19:05,376 You know when you're driving in your car and you have a random thought, like... 435 00:19:05,538 --> 00:19:07,622 "I wonder if seals are friends." 436 00:19:07,726 --> 00:19:09,310 Yeah, or like... 437 00:19:09,494 --> 00:19:11,709 "I really want to text right now, but there's a cop behind me." 438 00:19:11,727 --> 00:19:14,757 - That's not the one I mean. - "Why do T-Rex have little arms?" 439 00:19:14,782 --> 00:19:16,318 Don't finish. Don't f... I know you, don't... 440 00:19:16,355 --> 00:19:18,482 "If they get an itch in their crotch, how do they scratch it?" 441 00:19:18,501 --> 00:19:20,851 I mean more like sweet, kind of emotional stuff. 442 00:19:20,872 --> 00:19:24,101 Like, if you combed, you know, like, a gorilla's hair, would it like it? 443 00:19:24,148 --> 00:19:26,381 Like... I've never seen a baby pigeon before. 444 00:19:26,397 --> 00:19:27,647 Exactly! 445 00:19:27,665 --> 00:19:30,464 Tell that to her and you get a friend for life. 446 00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:34,104 Now, excuse me. Sex awaits. 447 00:19:34,479 --> 00:19:38,382 Hey, Jess! You win! I want to take you! 448 00:19:38,401 --> 00:19:40,100 Respectfully! 449 00:19:46,883 --> 00:19:48,849 - Come here. - Take that Jersey off. 450 00:19:48,882 --> 00:19:50,510 Actually, leave it on. 451 00:19:54,068 --> 00:19:55,298 Oh! 452 00:19:55,972 --> 00:19:57,327 - To Winston. - Hear, hear. 453 00:19:57,346 --> 00:20:00,222 As a thank-you, I'd like... I'd like to get you a job at Ass-Strat. 454 00:20:00,232 --> 00:20:01,959 I'll make you a real Ass man. 455 00:20:02,060 --> 00:20:03,300 Mmm... 456 00:20:03,321 --> 00:20:04,761 I don't know, man. 457 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:07,496 I kind of liked the part where we just get to analyze evidence, you know. 458 00:20:07,503 --> 00:20:10,992 Connect the dots a little bit, yeah. Live inside of someone else's mind. 459 00:20:11,012 --> 00:20:13,584 - Spoken like a true marketing analyst. - I don't know. 460 00:20:13,614 --> 00:20:15,618 You know, I kind of want to be free of a desk as well. 461 00:20:15,645 --> 00:20:17,077 Well... roam the streets a little bit. 462 00:20:17,090 --> 00:20:19,153 Just sniff out clues. Let me ask you something. 463 00:20:19,174 --> 00:20:22,473 - You guys get donuts in the morning? - You ever thought of being a cop? 464 00:20:22,829 --> 00:20:25,189 - Winston, I think you'd be great. - I can see it. 465 00:20:25,195 --> 00:20:27,568 You know, it's funny. I was thinking the exact same thing. 466 00:20:27,587 --> 00:20:30,054 You've already got high cholesterol and weird people skills. 467 00:20:30,090 --> 00:20:32,403 - "Officer Bishop." - I like the way that sounds. 468 00:20:32,422 --> 00:20:35,120 It would be nice to retroactively justify that mustache. 469 00:20:35,146 --> 00:20:37,006 It's a hell of a mustache. 470 00:20:38,767 --> 00:20:40,487 What does that mean? That was from a movie. 471 00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:42,400 - Training Day's my favorite movie. - I understand that, 472 00:20:42,419 --> 00:20:44,135 but you understand that's not what being a cop is. 473 00:20:44,148 --> 00:20:45,994 I want to drop fools! Huh? That's what you're telling me? 474 00:20:46,014 --> 00:20:47,818 If you think this means you can start yelling at me... 475 00:20:47,839 --> 00:20:49,892 You damn right, sucker! That's what that means. 476 00:20:49,992 --> 00:20:51,641 Oh, I apologize about that. 477 00:20:52,461 --> 00:20:53,288 Jess? 478 00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:56,169 ♪ Jessica Day-hey-ey. 479 00:20:56,190 --> 00:20:59,748 I just want to say that, um, I would love to be your friend. 480 00:20:59,771 --> 00:21:01,864 Look, I know I'm crazy about the Pistons, 481 00:21:01,909 --> 00:21:05,542 but it's just because Detroit was the city I lived in the longest as a kid. 482 00:21:05,561 --> 00:21:08,544 - Yes. - I lived in, like, six different states by the time I was ten. 483 00:21:08,564 --> 00:21:11,872 At a certain point, I just... Stopped trying to make friends. 484 00:21:11,941 --> 00:21:13,510 Ah! 485 00:21:15,069 --> 00:21:16,685 Got real comfy on that. 486 00:21:17,354 --> 00:21:18,181 Really? 487 00:21:18,203 --> 00:21:21,710 Lot easier saying bye to your buddy's girlfriend than it is your friend. 488 00:21:21,730 --> 00:21:26,018 Well, I'm not gonna be saying good-bye to you anytime soon. 489 00:21:26,826 --> 00:21:28,712 - Except for right now. - Oh. 490 00:21:29,415 --> 00:21:31,007 You want to do a butt bump? 491 00:21:31,763 --> 00:21:32,790 Butt... 492 00:21:32,813 --> 00:21:35,009 Ah, you're probably doing your own butt bumps. 493 00:21:35,032 --> 00:21:37,909 Cool. I know you guys are already done. 494 00:21:37,955 --> 00:21:42,955 Synced by dcdah & Reef www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther