1 00:00:01,038 --> 00:00:03,180 This is why I buy my food from gas stations, Jess. 2 00:00:03,193 --> 00:00:06,746 Nick, you knocked over a wheelbarrow full of fruit, 3 00:00:06,766 --> 00:00:08,159 and then you actually skipped away. 4 00:00:08,179 --> 00:00:09,879 Guys, I'm trying to concentrate, okay? 5 00:00:09,892 --> 00:00:13,352 The LAPD does not offer entrance exams every single day. 6 00:00:13,409 --> 00:00:17,010 Just Mondays and Fridays. But I am not waiting till Friday. 7 00:00:17,406 --> 00:00:19,566 - Hey, why do you have so much fruit? - Because this one 8 00:00:19,586 --> 00:00:21,976 ran into his ex-girlfriend at the farmer's market. 9 00:00:22,298 --> 00:00:23,398 Nick? 10 00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,776 Hey! No way! 11 00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:30,175 Caroline of my past. What a pleasant surprise. 12 00:00:30,191 --> 00:00:32,217 My ex-lover... No! 13 00:00:33,128 --> 00:00:35,596 I don't deal with exes. They're part of the past. 14 00:00:35,630 --> 00:00:39,397 You burn 'em swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon. 15 00:00:39,422 --> 00:00:40,970 I'm really good friends with Berkley, 16 00:00:40,990 --> 00:00:42,970 and we had a terrible breakup... Come on, what? 17 00:00:42,997 --> 00:00:45,421 You have a good relationship with him because he wants to bone you. 18 00:00:45,447 --> 00:00:49,505 He's a stay-at-home dad. His entire life revolves around his family. 19 00:00:49,778 --> 00:00:51,651 He's the most emotionally evolved person I know. 20 00:00:51,673 --> 00:00:55,956 And I'm sure his favorite emotion is the emotion of wanting to bone you. 21 00:00:55,969 --> 00:00:56,949 That's not an emotion. 22 00:00:56,965 --> 00:01:00,638 Possible sex is the only reason people stay "friends" with their exes. 23 00:01:00,651 --> 00:01:02,691 - Come on. - Back me up, Winnie the Bish. 24 00:01:02,716 --> 00:01:04,883 Yeah, that's true. I mean, I'm friends with all my exes... 25 00:01:04,892 --> 00:01:06,046 - See? - ...families. 26 00:01:06,065 --> 00:01:09,312 - Ha-ha! See? - I still send Shelby's dad a Father's Day card, 27 00:01:09,332 --> 00:01:11,405 and he still sends me five bucks on my birthday. 28 00:01:11,432 --> 00:01:13,339 - What is wrong with you? - That's nice. - Hey, guys. 29 00:01:13,375 --> 00:01:15,355 - I bet Coach is friends with his exes. - No. 30 00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:17,140 - Oh, for sure, yeah. - Yeah! I'm right! 31 00:01:17,170 --> 00:01:19,378 - For sex. - No! - Ha-ha! I'm right! 32 00:01:19,408 --> 00:01:21,527 Can't spell "sex" without the "ex." 33 00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:23,456 Man, is that sexy when he does that. 34 00:01:25,207 --> 00:01:27,678 Announcement: I finally finished my loft. 35 00:01:27,703 --> 00:01:28,992 Hold the applause. 36 00:01:30,879 --> 00:01:33,348 Let's go. All right. Come on. 37 00:01:35,037 --> 00:01:37,384 C-Come on, you guys. All together, now. 38 00:01:37,779 --> 00:01:39,210 We're not... Who's coming? 39 00:01:39,241 --> 00:01:40,508 Let's go. Come on, Nick. 40 00:01:40,535 --> 00:01:43,915 - I don't want to go, man. Thanks for the invite. - Nah, come on. Winnie. 41 00:01:45,574 --> 00:01:46,334 No? 42 00:01:47,088 --> 00:01:48,494 ♪ Who's that girl? 43 00:01:48,510 --> 00:01:50,920 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. 44 00:01:50,941 --> 00:01:55,441 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 45 00:01:56,019 --> 00:01:58,319 You and Caroline still need some closure. 46 00:01:58,353 --> 00:01:59,980 Well, what do you want me to say? 47 00:02:00,062 --> 00:02:02,411 That I walked out on her and now I'm dating you? 48 00:02:02,443 --> 00:02:04,630 We started dating, like, a year after you broke up. 49 00:02:04,649 --> 00:02:06,037 Yeah, but that doesn't matter with her. 50 00:02:06,050 --> 00:02:08,830 She's got a crazy streak, and this is bound to set her off. 51 00:02:08,850 --> 00:02:10,602 What if she hurts me physically? 52 00:02:10,772 --> 00:02:12,305 What if she hurts me with words? 53 00:02:12,318 --> 00:02:14,229 Just talk to her. Clear the air. 54 00:02:14,249 --> 00:02:16,302 You'll feel better, she'll feel better. 55 00:02:16,315 --> 00:02:19,389 Besides, Nick, I can't give up that farmer's market. 56 00:02:19,404 --> 00:02:21,239 Strolling around, chatting with vendors... 57 00:02:21,267 --> 00:02:23,774 It's so nice. I feel like Don Corleone. 58 00:02:23,782 --> 00:02:25,342 I think a lot of ladies do. 59 00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:33,785 Hey. 60 00:02:34,507 --> 00:02:35,607 Hey... 61 00:02:38,377 --> 00:02:39,544 Sorry about that. 62 00:02:39,572 --> 00:02:40,905 Haven't spoken anybody all day. 63 00:02:40,933 --> 00:02:42,541 Phlegm buildup, you know? 64 00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:46,162 I've been cooped up all day in my loft apartment. 65 00:02:46,175 --> 00:02:47,769 So much space for one person, you know? 66 00:02:47,787 --> 00:02:50,322 You could scream in there, nobody would ever hear you. 67 00:02:50,650 --> 00:02:52,183 I'm gonna go. 68 00:02:52,685 --> 00:02:54,078 Bye. 69 00:02:55,475 --> 00:02:56,675 What is going on? 70 00:02:56,695 --> 00:02:58,992 May I speak plainly with you, Cecilia? 71 00:03:00,068 --> 00:03:01,922 I'm in a bit of a sexual drought. 72 00:03:01,947 --> 00:03:04,394 The Good Valley Schmidt hasn't seen rain in months. 73 00:03:04,415 --> 00:03:06,882 You're just... you're giving off a creepy vibe. 74 00:03:06,902 --> 00:03:10,302 All right? Living alone is messing up your game and it's making you weird. 75 00:03:10,322 --> 00:03:12,089 Yeah, but I love living alone. 76 00:03:12,305 --> 00:03:13,757 Where are you, grapes? 77 00:03:13,979 --> 00:03:15,393 Grápés. 78 00:03:15,761 --> 00:03:17,195 Great apes. 79 00:03:17,462 --> 00:03:19,103 Grapes, we have you surrounded. 80 00:03:19,118 --> 00:03:20,951 Come out with your stems up! 81 00:03:27,459 --> 00:03:30,135 I guess my game could be upped if I increased my... 82 00:03:30,141 --> 00:03:32,354 - my human contact a little bit. - Good. 83 00:03:32,371 --> 00:03:34,754 Because you're caressing your own arm right now. 84 00:03:36,275 --> 00:03:38,128 - Hmm. - That's not normal, man. 85 00:03:38,150 --> 00:03:40,050 I've been working out. It feels... I don't... 86 00:03:41,841 --> 00:03:43,909 I just want to know why you walked out. 87 00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:48,080 Was there something else going on? Was there someone else? 88 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:49,713 Can I just say, 89 00:03:49,743 --> 00:03:52,030 I really wish this coffee was a giant beer. 90 00:03:52,058 --> 00:03:54,938 And I wish this scone was a-a whiskey and I could just 91 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,542 drink one... just chase 'em. 92 00:03:57,889 --> 00:03:59,369 This is nice. 93 00:03:59,511 --> 00:04:01,045 Glad we're doing this. 94 00:04:01,441 --> 00:04:02,401 So how'd it go? 95 00:04:02,414 --> 00:04:05,605 We gabbed like a couple of washer women over the back fence. 96 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:08,588 That's great. So proud of you. 97 00:04:10,396 --> 00:04:11,896 You two are dating? 98 00:04:11,922 --> 00:04:14,221 I knew it. I knew it was her! 99 00:04:14,486 --> 00:04:15,486 What...? 100 00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:17,120 You didn't tell her we were together?! 101 00:04:17,137 --> 00:04:18,787 I told her we were together. 102 00:04:19,164 --> 00:04:21,104 I'm not getting away with this. I didn't tell her. 103 00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:22,645 Screw you, Miller! 104 00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:27,906 Hey, I don't understand. You guys talked for 30 minutes. 105 00:04:27,919 --> 00:04:30,939 - How did our relationship not come up? - 'Cause I got scared. 106 00:04:30,956 --> 00:04:32,556 There were so many things that I wanted to tell her. 107 00:04:32,938 --> 00:04:35,811 You ever thought how weird it would be if you just gave up your thumb? 108 00:04:36,194 --> 00:04:39,187 You just didn't have a thumb. I mean, how would you give a thumbs up? Just like this? 109 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,076 I think a guy died in the building, 'cause one day 110 00:04:41,088 --> 00:04:43,275 in the Dumpster is a bunch of clothes that just fit me. 111 00:04:43,295 --> 00:04:46,295 What I like to do now is take the Underground, yeah? 112 00:04:46,318 --> 00:04:48,342 Spend my quid. Cheers? 113 00:04:50,516 --> 00:04:51,983 Oh, crap. This is her. 114 00:04:52,328 --> 00:04:53,575 She thinks I cheated, Jess. 115 00:04:53,591 --> 00:04:55,231 You know who you should talk to? 116 00:04:55,662 --> 00:04:56,616 Berkley. 117 00:04:56,642 --> 00:04:59,389 He's so good at this stuff... friendship, closure. 118 00:04:59,421 --> 00:05:01,749 Actually, he did write a book about it. It's an e-book. 119 00:05:01,768 --> 00:05:04,229 I gave it four stars, but it kind of falls apart at the end. 120 00:05:04,256 --> 00:05:07,058 He goes into God in a way I don't think he needs to. 121 00:05:07,126 --> 00:05:08,199 You know what? I'm gonna text him? 122 00:05:08,212 --> 00:05:12,047 Why would I talk to your ex-boyfriend about my ex-girlfriend? 123 00:05:12,073 --> 00:05:13,030 Well, you need his help. 124 00:05:13,051 --> 00:05:14,897 - You're right. Give me. Can I see? - No, no, no. 125 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:16,087 - Can I see? - Yeah. Yeah. 126 00:05:16,108 --> 00:05:18,748 - "Hey, babe..." Don't call him "babe." - It's just what we call each other. 127 00:05:18,754 --> 00:05:21,394 - "BF problems"? - My boyfriend is having problems. 128 00:05:21,407 --> 00:05:23,682 - XOXO? - It's a really common greeting. 129 00:05:23,709 --> 00:05:25,529 "Kissing you, hugging you, kissing you, hugging you"? 130 00:05:25,548 --> 00:05:29,644 What else am I gonna write? "O-O-O"? That just looks like "Oh..." 131 00:05:29,671 --> 00:05:31,119 You're leading him on, Jess. 132 00:05:31,135 --> 00:05:32,815 - Oh, Nick. - You are. 133 00:05:32,831 --> 00:05:34,232 Berkley's really gonna teach you a lot. 134 00:05:34,265 --> 00:05:36,605 Men don't talk to people they've dated 135 00:05:36,621 --> 00:05:39,022 unless they want sex, or they're Winston. 136 00:05:39,037 --> 00:05:40,870 - I also want sex. - Going to Schmidt's. 137 00:05:40,899 --> 00:05:42,622 He's been begging us to all week. 138 00:05:42,874 --> 00:05:44,594 Jess, men are sick. 139 00:05:44,614 --> 00:05:47,413 Look, I'm a relatively good guy, but even I'm a sicko. 140 00:05:47,512 --> 00:05:49,359 Luckily, we have the Internet as a community of... 141 00:05:50,608 --> 00:05:51,935 Oh, this is terrible! 142 00:05:51,964 --> 00:05:55,577 She's quoting scriptures, but using tons of cuss words. 143 00:05:55,607 --> 00:05:57,234 - This is as bad as it gets with Caroline. - Okay. 144 00:05:57,268 --> 00:06:00,432 Berkley's around the corner at his baby's world music class. 145 00:06:01,866 --> 00:06:03,979 Okay, you know what? I'm in. 146 00:06:04,022 --> 00:06:05,662 - Great. - What kind of beer does Berkley like? 147 00:06:05,676 --> 00:06:08,577 - He doesn't. - Oh, great. I cannot wait to meet him. 148 00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:11,687 Fellas. 149 00:06:11,708 --> 00:06:14,592 You made it. As promised, here's a coupon for a free sub. 150 00:06:14,618 --> 00:06:15,866 Yup. 151 00:06:15,879 --> 00:06:17,421 Probably get ham. 152 00:06:17,449 --> 00:06:19,489 Wow, man. 153 00:06:19,624 --> 00:06:21,484 - It's nice inside of here, man. - Yeah. 154 00:06:21,519 --> 00:06:23,486 - It's like a European airport. - Oh, what's that? 155 00:06:23,506 --> 00:06:24,853 Uh, you want to watch the game? 156 00:06:24,870 --> 00:06:27,142 Which one? Basketball? Football? 157 00:06:27,464 --> 00:06:28,424 Of Thrones? 158 00:06:28,451 --> 00:06:30,264 Oh! 159 00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:31,491 That is awesome, man. 160 00:06:31,515 --> 00:06:34,342 Look at this place, Schmidt. You got so many plush surfaces. 161 00:06:34,362 --> 00:06:36,322 Well, there are 15 different bang spots in here, 162 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:39,620 each one specifically designated to its own sexual position. 163 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:43,074 - Mm. - That's standing, this is sitting, that's diagonal. 164 00:06:43,107 --> 00:06:45,261 - That's how I do it. - The "Why? Why? Because." 165 00:06:45,290 --> 00:06:46,863 The "Closure of the Lincoln Tunnel." 166 00:06:46,882 --> 00:06:49,144 The "Red Beanbag Chair." 167 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,067 Which is pretty obvious, but, you know, that's a good one. 168 00:06:51,087 --> 00:06:52,320 The "Glass Menagerie." 169 00:06:52,350 --> 00:06:53,459 - The "Bike Share." - Nice. 170 00:06:53,478 --> 00:06:55,585 - The "Backwards Oops." - What is "backwards oops"? 171 00:06:55,607 --> 00:06:57,475 You don't want to put it... mm. 172 00:06:57,602 --> 00:06:59,515 - You don't know what it means. - I mean, I don't... 173 00:06:59,532 --> 00:07:02,876 I've done it, I've done it, but I didn't know I was doing it. You know, it was... 174 00:07:03,274 --> 00:07:04,526 Super cool, dude. 175 00:07:04,546 --> 00:07:08,206 - I wish I had my own place. - Guys, mi casa es su casa. 176 00:07:08,213 --> 00:07:09,638 - I even made you guys keys. - What? 177 00:07:09,661 --> 00:07:11,541 Check these out. That one's yours. 178 00:07:11,563 --> 00:07:14,090 - Aw, it looks like a guitar. - Yeah, that's 'cause you're rocking. 179 00:07:14,103 --> 00:07:15,343 Mine's a... 180 00:07:15,387 --> 00:07:17,087 It's a rainbow kissing a star. 181 00:07:17,108 --> 00:07:18,788 - You like it? - Blah! 182 00:07:18,819 --> 00:07:21,486 - Yeah. - Guys, hang out here anytime you want. 183 00:07:21,506 --> 00:07:22,893 - Even now. Who's thirsty? - Thanks. 184 00:07:22,921 --> 00:07:23,841 - Right there. - Dude! 185 00:07:23,869 --> 00:07:25,368 - Shut up! - Damn, man. 186 00:07:25,387 --> 00:07:27,043 You're like James Bond. 187 00:07:27,045 --> 00:07:29,012 But I'll be... I'll be Moneypenny for sure. 188 00:07:29,046 --> 00:07:30,693 - Yeah. - Wait, which one is Moneypenny? 189 00:07:30,712 --> 00:07:32,158 It's the woman. 190 00:07:32,463 --> 00:07:33,210 Oh. 191 00:07:35,231 --> 00:07:38,258 So, did the store have that, uh, bamboo highchair you were looking for? 192 00:07:38,270 --> 00:07:41,379 No, not the one I wanted. So I think I'm just gonna... 193 00:07:41,398 --> 00:07:43,507 Order it online. 194 00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:46,146 - You still got it. - You still got it. 195 00:07:46,172 --> 00:07:48,285 Big deal, I've been online, too. I still got it. 196 00:07:48,473 --> 00:07:49,916 It's different. 197 00:07:50,708 --> 00:07:52,108 So, this is the problem. 198 00:07:52,121 --> 00:07:54,548 Nick didn't tell his ex that we were together, 199 00:07:54,554 --> 00:07:57,243 and she found out, and now she's really, really upset. 200 00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:58,798 This is the scariest one yet. 201 00:07:58,823 --> 00:08:00,336 It's just a bunch of smiley faces. 202 00:08:00,352 --> 00:08:03,285 Okay, um, not to be all guy with a baby, 203 00:08:03,308 --> 00:08:06,644 but, uh, exes are really a lot like newborns, okay? 204 00:08:06,658 --> 00:08:08,751 The burps can be so yucky, 205 00:08:08,764 --> 00:08:10,431 but you know what comes after a burp? 206 00:08:10,450 --> 00:08:11,491 What? 207 00:08:11,516 --> 00:08:12,976 A big old smile. 208 00:08:13,390 --> 00:08:14,697 Aw. 209 00:08:15,058 --> 00:08:16,832 What the hell are you talking about? 210 00:08:16,845 --> 00:08:19,467 - It was a metaphor, Nick. - It was a classic fatherhood metaphor. 211 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:22,679 No, my-my point is you just need to face her 212 00:08:22,692 --> 00:08:24,092 and let her get it all off her chest. 213 00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:26,216 - Oh, I feel like I've done that. - No, you didn't. 214 00:08:26,236 --> 00:08:29,178 You just talked and talked about nothing for 30 minutes. 215 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,813 Okay, look, I know it's hard. I know that, man. 216 00:08:31,830 --> 00:08:33,570 I'm here and I'm hearing it. 217 00:08:33,585 --> 00:08:37,032 I mean, when Jess and I did this, I think we cried for, like... two days? 218 00:08:37,039 --> 00:08:38,698 I mean, at least. But look. 219 00:08:38,730 --> 00:08:41,844 Now I have such a good friend, and we talk all the time, 220 00:08:41,876 --> 00:08:44,463 - and he's such a good listener. - Say what? I can't hear you. 221 00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:51,309 Is this real? 222 00:08:51,336 --> 00:08:53,389 You guys saw each other naked, and now you're friends? 223 00:08:53,411 --> 00:08:55,343 Yes, it's the purest form of friendship. 224 00:08:55,363 --> 00:08:56,813 Straight Leno and Eubanks. 225 00:08:59,524 --> 00:09:01,984 I just want to say you're incredible, 226 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,217 and I'm so lucky to have you in my life. 227 00:09:06,591 --> 00:09:09,061 - Okay, I took your advice. - What do we got? 228 00:09:10,655 --> 00:09:13,084 "My bad. Let's be friends, 'kay?" 229 00:09:13,518 --> 00:09:15,612 Smooth, but tough. 230 00:09:15,632 --> 00:09:16,845 That's not good, Nick. 231 00:09:16,867 --> 00:09:18,914 Friendship is a, um... 232 00:09:18,943 --> 00:09:21,933 it's like a beautiful flower. You have to nourish it, okay? 233 00:09:21,952 --> 00:09:23,625 - You can't just buy it at a store. - All right. 234 00:09:23,651 --> 00:09:26,426 First of all, it was a draft, okay, and I'll fix it. 235 00:09:26,444 --> 00:09:29,105 And second of all, with all due respect, 236 00:09:29,125 --> 00:09:32,365 you can buy a flower at a store. 237 00:09:33,313 --> 00:09:34,561 Millered! 238 00:09:36,157 --> 00:09:38,297 I know as an angel you usually sleep in heaven, 239 00:09:38,317 --> 00:09:41,064 but would you care to spend the evening at my place? 240 00:09:41,091 --> 00:09:43,211 I think maybe I would. 241 00:09:43,237 --> 00:09:44,579 Fantastic choice. 242 00:09:45,769 --> 00:09:47,215 Here's my address. 243 00:09:47,844 --> 00:09:49,749 There's usually no place to park. 244 00:09:50,934 --> 00:09:53,393 - Well, so where would I...? - You're a big girl. 245 00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:55,195 You'll figure it out. 246 00:10:00,237 --> 00:10:02,086 Uh, just tr-try south of Sixth. 247 00:10:02,112 --> 00:10:04,154 There's usually a string of open spaces down there. 248 00:10:04,167 --> 00:10:07,161 And there's not a right turn on red on Fifth, just FYI. 249 00:10:09,759 --> 00:10:12,880 Okay, here's the deal. I've been wanting to end things with Claire for years now. 250 00:10:12,899 --> 00:10:14,579 And I'm gonna do it. It's gonna take one phone call. 251 00:10:14,592 --> 00:10:16,332 - What? - She's gonna burn all my clothes on the lawn. 252 00:10:16,351 --> 00:10:18,121 I don't care. I only want to wear Henleys anyways. 253 00:10:18,141 --> 00:10:20,154 Jess, we can finally be together. 254 00:10:20,181 --> 00:10:21,061 What?! 255 00:10:21,089 --> 00:10:23,349 Wait, no, but leave your wife?! 256 00:10:23,372 --> 00:10:25,499 For you. I'm gonna leave my wife for you. 257 00:10:25,533 --> 00:10:28,400 - Wait, what...? - "Thank you for being so incredible." 258 00:10:28,422 --> 00:10:30,495 "So lucky to have you in my life"? 259 00:10:30,515 --> 00:10:31,615 - Jess. - Mm-mm. 260 00:10:31,644 --> 00:10:33,831 - When you said those words, I knew. - No. 261 00:10:33,857 --> 00:10:36,791 Berkley, there's been a fundamental misunderstanding here. 262 00:10:36,810 --> 00:10:39,302 You know the last time Claire thanked me for anything? 263 00:10:39,328 --> 00:10:41,810 It was when I was pulling out her chair at our wedding. 264 00:10:41,823 --> 00:10:44,023 - No... - She doesn't appreciate me like you do. 265 00:10:44,042 --> 00:10:45,649 No, it's not happening. No, no... 266 00:10:45,666 --> 00:10:48,486 Aah! Damn it, Winston! Oh, God. 267 00:10:48,509 --> 00:10:50,916 Pretend this is attached, and there's water coming out. 268 00:10:51,106 --> 00:10:52,312 Okay. 269 00:10:53,556 --> 00:10:54,910 No, not like that. 270 00:10:56,317 --> 00:10:57,577 It's not sexual! 271 00:10:57,605 --> 00:10:59,485 No! I'm not feeding you water! 272 00:10:59,512 --> 00:11:00,604 - Wet my mouth. - No! 273 00:11:01,863 --> 00:11:02,996 Oh, hi. 274 00:11:03,098 --> 00:11:04,632 - Are you Schmidt's friend? - What? 275 00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:06,092 Sch-Schmidt's friend? 276 00:11:06,112 --> 00:11:09,231 Where you at? 'Cause I'm ready to ea... 277 00:11:09,456 --> 00:11:10,417 Hey! 278 00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:12,687 My good friend... Frank... 279 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,867 Scabopolis! 280 00:11:14,893 --> 00:11:16,728 Ah, give me a hug, you Greek son of a bitch! 281 00:11:16,745 --> 00:11:18,039 - Come here! - What? 282 00:11:20,809 --> 00:11:23,911 - Where is this coming from? - You. The phone calls, the texts, 283 00:11:23,932 --> 00:11:26,619 "Boyfriend problems," "I need you," hugs, kisses. 284 00:11:26,632 --> 00:11:28,126 - What? - More hugs, more kisses. 285 00:11:28,148 --> 00:11:31,370 - I... - You have been setting up dominoes for ten years. 286 00:11:31,390 --> 00:11:33,608 - And now they are falling. - You have a baby, sir! 287 00:11:33,633 --> 00:11:36,029 I know. And you are gonna make such a good stepmom. 288 00:11:36,048 --> 00:11:37,849 I love you, Jessica. 289 00:11:37,862 --> 00:11:40,782 God, it feels good to say that out loud and not just to my sleeping wife. 290 00:11:40,803 --> 00:11:42,023 Nick: 291 00:11:42,294 --> 00:11:44,353 - Guys, I need your help. - You, hey! 292 00:11:44,445 --> 00:11:46,292 Nick was right about you, and he can't know that, 293 00:11:46,317 --> 00:11:48,566 - so put a sock in it! - What is wrong with me? 294 00:11:48,589 --> 00:11:50,696 - Hi. - Hey. - I keep trying to write to Caroline, 295 00:11:50,719 --> 00:11:53,506 but I'm choking. I can't get past "What's up, C?" 296 00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:57,299 Oh, that's her. It says, "Come to the window, friend." Friend. 297 00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,791 - That's good. That's good. - That's a good thing. Yeah. 298 00:12:00,467 --> 00:12:02,061 Caroline! Hey! 299 00:12:02,090 --> 00:12:05,291 You cheat on me and then you want to be friends?! 300 00:12:05,306 --> 00:12:07,226 I'm just writing you an e-mail! 301 00:12:07,239 --> 00:12:08,679 It's-it's not sending! 302 00:12:08,703 --> 00:12:11,210 Look, gonna throw it down, but I need my phone back! 303 00:12:11,225 --> 00:12:13,345 - We talk now! - Caroline! Hey! 304 00:12:14,402 --> 00:12:16,389 - Stop! - Really excited to... 305 00:12:16,430 --> 00:12:17,824 - No! - ...talk to you guys. 306 00:12:17,851 --> 00:12:19,445 Hey, stop! That's not my car! 307 00:12:19,458 --> 00:12:21,372 Tell Jess I said hi. 308 00:12:22,703 --> 00:12:25,296 No, Caroline, I parked down the street! 309 00:12:25,309 --> 00:12:27,451 It... Why am I telling you?! 310 00:12:30,913 --> 00:12:33,094 At least she can't get into the building. 311 00:12:33,515 --> 00:12:35,252 Okay, what am I gonna do here? 312 00:12:35,279 --> 00:12:36,505 She cut off the power. 313 00:12:36,518 --> 00:12:38,238 No, Nick, that was you. You turned off the light. 314 00:12:38,256 --> 00:12:39,864 All the other lights are still on. 315 00:12:39,890 --> 00:12:41,270 My bad. Thank you. 316 00:12:41,972 --> 00:12:43,479 I know you're scared. Let me be brave. 317 00:12:43,510 --> 00:12:45,263 You should go because you have a wife, 318 00:12:45,284 --> 00:12:47,257 and you have a baby, and you love them. 319 00:12:47,264 --> 00:12:49,445 Jess, what are you, crazy? 320 00:12:49,465 --> 00:12:51,592 It's not safe out there. Berkley can't go. He stays here. 321 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:54,065 - I don't think that... - Thank you, Nick. - You're very welcome. 322 00:12:54,557 --> 00:12:56,670 I'll be with you in just one second, all right? 323 00:12:56,683 --> 00:12:58,501 - Mm-hmm. - And don't drink the water by the bed. 324 00:12:58,508 --> 00:13:00,230 It's got my contacts in it. 325 00:13:03,079 --> 00:13:04,846 - What are you doing? - What are you doing? 326 00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:07,651 And t-tell her that I'd like to be reimbursed for those strawberries. 327 00:13:07,670 --> 00:13:09,410 - What...? Dude. - Why is she calling you Schmidt? 328 00:13:09,429 --> 00:13:11,326 I told her my name was Schmidt in case we saw your mail. 329 00:13:11,339 --> 00:13:14,808 I don't just leave mail out. This isn't a small business. Get out. 330 00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,961 Dude, I'm about to seal the deal. I'm not getting out. 331 00:13:16,979 --> 00:13:18,912 I'm about to... I'm-I'm a deal sealer. 332 00:13:18,925 --> 00:13:20,560 I'm about to get some squish, dude, 333 00:13:20,585 --> 00:13:23,025 - and you need to not get in between that. - I'm about to nail it into the wall. 334 00:13:23,045 --> 00:13:25,598 Dude, I'm about to take down that va-dragon. 335 00:13:25,629 --> 00:13:28,885 I'm about to pin the tail on the va-donkey, dude. 336 00:13:28,904 --> 00:13:30,205 You better not stand in the way of this. 337 00:13:30,233 --> 00:13:32,324 Don't call her a va-donkey. I don't even know her well 338 00:13:32,331 --> 00:13:33,955 and I want her to leave, but please don't call her 339 00:13:33,964 --> 00:13:36,129 - a va-d... va-donkey. - I won't. All right. Please. 340 00:13:36,611 --> 00:13:37,830 I need this. 341 00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:40,854 Okay, fine. I will use the guest room. 342 00:13:40,857 --> 00:13:42,937 - Yes. - Like an animal. 343 00:13:44,147 --> 00:13:45,160 Oh, yes. 344 00:13:45,689 --> 00:13:47,456 Oh! Winston! What are you doing?! 345 00:13:47,475 --> 00:13:49,043 Oh, we were just playing a game. 346 00:13:49,059 --> 00:13:51,147 You know, Bad Cop, Black Cop? 347 00:13:51,475 --> 00:13:52,708 It's me, Bertie! 348 00:13:59,683 --> 00:14:02,410 Um, I might have been wrong about some things, 349 00:14:02,439 --> 00:14:04,346 um, some Berkley things. 350 00:14:04,359 --> 00:14:06,773 Hey, the screaming stopped. I knew she'd run out of gas. 351 00:14:07,242 --> 00:14:08,209 - "My bad"?! - What? 352 00:14:08,231 --> 00:14:09,891 "Let's be friends, 'kay"?! 353 00:14:10,077 --> 00:14:12,184 You couldn't even write out "okay"?! 354 00:14:12,204 --> 00:14:14,624 It's go time, Nick. Time to break out that burp cloth. 355 00:14:15,025 --> 00:14:16,561 Jess, let's give him some space... 356 00:14:16,594 --> 00:14:19,247 - by going to a motel. - I don't love you. 357 00:14:19,997 --> 00:14:22,064 - I got a slight beer buzz. Let's do it. - Yeah, don't go. 358 00:14:22,084 --> 00:14:24,264 - I thought you wanted me to talk to her. - Don't go right now. 359 00:14:24,283 --> 00:14:26,622 I'm sorry. You don't love me? 360 00:14:26,648 --> 00:14:29,291 - Say it again? - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 361 00:14:29,317 --> 00:14:32,683 - Oh... What?! - Then why have you led me on for ten years? 362 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,369 Oh, hell on Earth no! 363 00:14:34,389 --> 00:14:36,536 Oh, my God, I was right. 364 00:14:36,554 --> 00:14:39,226 - He wants to bone you. - Oh, come on, Nick! 365 00:14:39,656 --> 00:14:41,029 Caroline, I'll be right there. 366 00:14:41,052 --> 00:14:42,905 I'm so sorry, Berkley. You got cut off. 367 00:14:42,941 --> 00:14:43,974 - Thank you, sir. - No. 368 00:14:43,994 --> 00:14:45,636 May, 2004. 369 00:14:45,651 --> 00:14:48,398 You brushed my hand at Dave Matthews concert 370 00:14:48,427 --> 00:14:50,227 - during "Two Step." - "Two Step"? 371 00:14:50,249 --> 00:14:52,646 - Oh, my God. - Or that time that I helped you move, 372 00:14:52,665 --> 00:14:54,372 and I came over, I was wearing sweatpants. 373 00:14:54,398 --> 00:14:56,127 You couldn't stop staring at my rig. 374 00:14:56,148 --> 00:14:58,968 - She loves looking at rigs. - Why are you calling it a rig?! 375 00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:01,301 - You're doing it again. - One second, Caroline! 376 00:15:01,305 --> 00:15:02,892 Open this door! 377 00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:09,673 You think I wear this sweater because I like it? 378 00:15:09,692 --> 00:15:10,798 It's a handsome sweater. 379 00:15:10,829 --> 00:15:12,823 - That's right, I love you. - No! 380 00:15:12,851 --> 00:15:14,607 - What do you mean, no? - Ooh! 381 00:15:15,346 --> 00:15:17,614 Open the door! Come on! 382 00:15:17,847 --> 00:15:18,794 Schmidt? 383 00:15:18,822 --> 00:15:20,702 You said to me that I was incredible 384 00:15:20,708 --> 00:15:22,636 and you were so lucky, and now here we are, 385 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:24,563 we're trying to hook up Nick with his ex-girlfriend. 386 00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:26,806 - I mean, that's what this is, right? - No, it isn't. That's not what... 387 00:15:26,817 --> 00:15:28,204 So let's just do it, come on. 388 00:15:28,224 --> 00:15:29,718 - Hey, hey, - Berkley, Berkley! 389 00:15:29,758 --> 00:15:30,779 - Oh, no! - No, no! 390 00:15:30,808 --> 00:15:32,768 - No, what are you doing? - Oh, no. 391 00:15:32,837 --> 00:15:34,690 - 'Kay! - Oh, hey! 392 00:15:34,711 --> 00:15:37,213 - Car-o-line. - Yeah... 393 00:15:38,047 --> 00:15:40,230 You stole my boyfriend. 394 00:15:44,628 --> 00:15:46,008 Schmidt? 395 00:15:46,041 --> 00:15:47,372 Be right there! 396 00:15:47,504 --> 00:15:49,651 That should buy us some time. Coach, you stay with your girl 397 00:15:49,673 --> 00:15:51,726 who thinks that you're me in my bedroom. 398 00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:53,519 Winston, you stay in the guest room with Bertie doing 399 00:15:53,543 --> 00:15:55,123 whatever the hell it is you guys are doing. 400 00:15:55,136 --> 00:15:56,495 - Gross. - I'm gonna keep Sarah... 401 00:15:56,908 --> 00:15:58,074 Almost there! 402 00:15:58,108 --> 00:15:59,549 I'm gonna keep Sarah in the living room, 403 00:15:59,562 --> 00:16:02,560 using one of the living-dining- open-floor-plan bang spots. 404 00:16:02,573 --> 00:16:06,011 Now, no exits, no entrances, no Noises Off baloney. 405 00:16:06,043 --> 00:16:07,176 Capeesh? 406 00:16:07,197 --> 00:16:08,176 Confirm my capeesh! 407 00:16:08,191 --> 00:16:09,298 Capeesh! 408 00:16:09,319 --> 00:16:11,032 - Let's go. Do it. - All right. 409 00:16:11,055 --> 00:16:12,995 - Guys, guys! - Right. 410 00:16:13,036 --> 00:16:14,863 This is the exact type of baloney that I'm talking about. 411 00:16:14,878 --> 00:16:17,409 Unbelievable. Guys, guys! 412 00:16:17,981 --> 00:16:19,699 I'm really glad that we're doing this. 413 00:16:19,863 --> 00:16:21,058 - Okay. - All right. 414 00:16:21,558 --> 00:16:23,358 I did not steal your boyfriend. 415 00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:24,791 Timeline. Now. 416 00:16:24,824 --> 00:16:26,291 Okay, um... 417 00:16:26,583 --> 00:16:28,056 you and Nick break up. 418 00:16:28,058 --> 00:16:29,592 London has a great Olympics. 419 00:16:29,626 --> 00:16:31,156 Uh-oh, trouble in Syria. 420 00:16:31,175 --> 00:16:34,002 Board up your windows. Superstorm Sandy. 421 00:16:35,342 --> 00:16:37,702 Hey, over here. Me and Nick get together. 422 00:16:37,721 --> 00:16:40,367 And here's that beautiful Sunday in the park that you and I went to, 423 00:16:40,385 --> 00:16:41,798 - and we have a wonderful Sunday. - Shut up, Berkley! 424 00:16:41,830 --> 00:16:44,183 - No, you shut up, Jess. - Don't take this out on Jess. 425 00:16:44,199 --> 00:16:47,174 Oh, oh, right, it's the beginning, so you're being all supportive now. 426 00:16:47,194 --> 00:16:50,118 He's still trying. I mean, I bet he's still laughing at all your jokes, right? 427 00:16:50,146 --> 00:16:51,205 Well... 428 00:16:51,229 --> 00:16:53,050 I have a great instinct for comedy. 429 00:16:53,057 --> 00:16:55,713 All right, well, you know what, you enjoy all that while it lasts, 430 00:16:55,740 --> 00:16:57,606 because I'll tell you what. 431 00:16:57,628 --> 00:17:00,468 It's not gonna be long before he stops 432 00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:02,778 holding your hand and starts high-fiving you 433 00:17:02,799 --> 00:17:05,327 and he stops letting you be the little spoon and he starts 434 00:17:05,347 --> 00:17:08,135 drifting off during important conversations. 435 00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:09,920 Are you listening right now? 436 00:17:11,272 --> 00:17:12,007 What's that? 437 00:17:12,035 --> 00:17:14,582 - Seriously, Nick? - Jess, you're the girlfriend now, 438 00:17:15,010 --> 00:17:16,732 but one day you're gonna be the ex. 439 00:17:17,339 --> 00:17:20,737 And two years after he breaks up with you, he still won't tell you why. 440 00:17:23,146 --> 00:17:25,108 Um, okay, well, um... 441 00:17:25,121 --> 00:17:28,620 this has been a really, um, neat talk, so, um... 442 00:17:29,544 --> 00:17:33,624 I'm gonna go... sit in the shower, 443 00:17:33,637 --> 00:17:36,097 and, um, go over the greatest hits in my mind. 444 00:17:36,124 --> 00:17:38,774 I'll just be right here, picturing the whole sudsy thing. 445 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,907 Hey, hey, ho, I'm right here. How about a little respect? 446 00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:43,369 I know. What, you... This is obviously happening. 447 00:17:43,378 --> 00:17:45,711 - No, it's not! - Where's your brain? 448 00:17:48,245 --> 00:17:50,040 Hey, Jess, you okay? 449 00:17:53,416 --> 00:17:54,940 No. 450 00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:58,644 This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. 451 00:17:58,967 --> 00:18:01,555 I've led a very fortunate life. 452 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:04,284 - Look, Jess, you were right. - No, you were right. 453 00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:06,085 I feel like such a fool. 454 00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:08,226 You were right about everything. 455 00:18:08,256 --> 00:18:09,690 No, I wasn't. 456 00:18:09,930 --> 00:18:12,507 Caroline deserves to know why I left. 457 00:18:13,613 --> 00:18:15,189 And you should hear, too. 458 00:18:19,003 --> 00:18:22,390 - I said I'm thirsty! Stop! Let me go, boy! - No, no, no, come, come... 459 00:18:22,411 --> 00:18:23,608 Whoa! 460 00:18:23,758 --> 00:18:24,958 Who the hell are you? 461 00:18:24,980 --> 00:18:26,678 Who the hell are you? 462 00:18:27,074 --> 00:18:28,267 - Schmidt. - What? 463 00:18:28,303 --> 00:18:31,328 Frank Scabopolis is up in here making out with some bitch. 464 00:18:31,348 --> 00:18:34,155 - That's not necessary. I mean... - Who's Frank Scabopolis? 465 00:18:34,172 --> 00:18:36,266 - Aren't you Schmidt?! - I-I am Schmidt. 466 00:18:36,287 --> 00:18:38,438 - I thought you were Schmidt. - I am Schmidt. 467 00:18:38,457 --> 00:18:40,781 Uh... Uh, w-we're brothers. 468 00:18:40,797 --> 00:18:42,604 We are, we're-we're brothers. What an upbringing that was. 469 00:18:42,617 --> 00:18:44,190 Yeah, same mom, different dads. 470 00:18:44,228 --> 00:18:45,281 One browner. 471 00:18:46,170 --> 00:18:49,476 Then who the hell is Frank Scabopolis? 472 00:18:49,493 --> 00:18:50,573 Yeah. 473 00:18:50,601 --> 00:18:53,149 I am Frank Scabopolis! 474 00:18:55,311 --> 00:18:57,331 Is this helping, Schmidt? I forgot the plan. 475 00:18:57,344 --> 00:18:59,836 - Winston, please shut up. - Plan? What plan?! 476 00:18:59,863 --> 00:19:01,856 I... there's no plan. I know nothing about a plan. 477 00:19:01,872 --> 00:19:06,062 Is this some little nasty group sex games y'all got going on up in here? 478 00:19:06,068 --> 00:19:07,829 Been a couple years, but... 479 00:19:07,854 --> 00:19:09,087 I'm down. 480 00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:11,586 - I didn't want to know that. - I am out of here. 481 00:19:11,615 --> 00:19:13,669 - I'm way ahead of you. - No, no, please! 482 00:19:13,684 --> 00:19:15,997 Sarah, please, wait! I can... ugh. 483 00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:17,869 Just... 484 00:19:18,495 --> 00:19:20,208 Well, I'm gonna go back to bed. 485 00:19:20,238 --> 00:19:23,463 Schmidt, that mattress is heaven. 486 00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:24,878 It's pretty good. 487 00:19:25,923 --> 00:19:27,224 See? 488 00:19:27,237 --> 00:19:30,123 You don't think I'm scary, do you, baby? 489 00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:31,220 - Oh, whoa! - Oh! 490 00:19:31,249 --> 00:19:32,215 No. Hey, no. 491 00:19:32,243 --> 00:19:33,403 - I was just kidding. - No. 492 00:19:33,416 --> 00:19:35,229 Hey, Caroline, there's something I need to say. 493 00:19:35,238 --> 00:19:37,579 - Nick, you don't have to do this. No, I-I do. 494 00:19:37,794 --> 00:19:41,030 Look, I never cheated on you, but I might as well have. 495 00:19:42,211 --> 00:19:45,136 See, I fell in love with Jess the moment she walked through the door. 496 00:19:45,963 --> 00:19:48,091 - Boo! - Really? 497 00:19:48,765 --> 00:19:50,046 Sorry. 498 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,433 The moment I walked through the door? 499 00:19:52,475 --> 00:19:53,608 Really? 500 00:19:54,883 --> 00:19:56,393 'Cause I thought I annoyed you. 501 00:19:56,414 --> 00:19:59,369 - Can we do this later, please? It's just not a good... - Yeah, okay. Got it, yup. 502 00:19:59,418 --> 00:20:01,788 Caroline, she's the reason that I left. 503 00:20:03,347 --> 00:20:05,202 I always thought that it was Jess. 504 00:20:06,777 --> 00:20:08,421 I'm glad I'm not crazy. 505 00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:10,396 - Well... - Hmm. 506 00:20:10,788 --> 00:20:12,295 Thanks for telling me the truth. 507 00:20:12,315 --> 00:20:13,862 Oh, I'm just sorry it didn't happen sooner. 508 00:20:13,877 --> 00:20:15,645 - Don't touch me. - I'm so sorry. 509 00:20:15,865 --> 00:20:18,612 - I was kidding. - There's that famous Milwaukee humor. 510 00:20:18,635 --> 00:20:21,431 - I'm not from Milwaukee. - You honestly scare me. 511 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:23,459 - Good-bye, Nick. - Bye. 512 00:20:24,274 --> 00:20:25,322 Hey. 513 00:20:25,368 --> 00:20:26,988 Look, Berkley, um, 514 00:20:27,010 --> 00:20:29,953 I'm so sorry that you got the wrong idea about us. 515 00:20:31,108 --> 00:20:32,565 You were right. 516 00:20:32,843 --> 00:20:35,015 I did play some part in it. 517 00:20:35,226 --> 00:20:36,407 Thank you. 518 00:20:37,693 --> 00:20:39,593 - Good luck, Jessica. - Thanks. 519 00:20:40,167 --> 00:20:41,400 See you later, bud. 520 00:20:43,150 --> 00:20:45,300 I really don't want to go back to my wife. Do you guys want to play 521 00:20:45,316 --> 00:20:47,872 - cards or something... - Go. Just go. - Get out of here. 522 00:20:54,642 --> 00:20:56,202 The moment I walked through that door, huh? 523 00:20:56,223 --> 00:20:57,343 Just be cool about it. 524 00:20:57,370 --> 00:20:59,910 'Cause for me, it was way later. 525 00:20:59,934 --> 00:21:01,434 - Yeah, I know. - Like, a lot later... 526 00:21:01,455 --> 00:21:03,186 Oh, come here already. 527 00:21:04,312 --> 00:21:05,345 You could use that for something. 528 00:21:05,380 --> 00:21:06,886 - That's the "Glass Menagerie." - Yeah. 529 00:21:06,898 --> 00:21:09,278 - I'll sit her down right on top of that. - Oh, absolutely. 530 00:21:09,304 --> 00:21:11,665 - The, uh, "Star 68." - Where's that at? 531 00:21:11,693 --> 00:21:13,420 - Right there on that pillow. - Oh. 532 00:21:13,455 --> 00:21:14,782 - Wow. - The "Jumanji." 533 00:21:14,801 --> 00:21:16,889 Yeah, you do the... the "U Lock" on here. 534 00:21:16,910 --> 00:21:19,303 - That'd be cool. - The "Jean-Michel Basquiat." 535 00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:21,189 - Oh, okay. - The "Fabric Softener." 536 00:21:21,205 --> 00:21:22,972 That's the "Kansas City Shaker." 537 00:21:22,993 --> 00:21:24,686 - This, right here? I like that. - Yeah. 538 00:21:24,715 --> 00:21:26,183 Back there, that's the "Nia Vardalos." 539 00:21:26,204 --> 00:21:28,684 - Ooh. That's nice, dude. - Nice. 540 00:21:28,697 --> 00:21:30,968 That one's "Sex on the Rug," 541 00:21:31,626 --> 00:21:33,513 which is... and, again, it's pretty obvious. 542 00:21:33,533 --> 00:21:35,834 But that's... you know, why mess with a classic? 543 00:21:35,878 --> 00:21:41,878 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther