1 00:00:00,949 --> 00:00:01,916 Hey, guys. 2 00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:04,629 Bertie's playing it cool, but you guys coming over for dinner tonight 3 00:00:04,656 --> 00:00:07,597 is a really big deal to her, so... 4 00:00:07,615 --> 00:00:09,471 Be there by 6, and no bailing. 5 00:00:09,489 --> 00:00:12,309 Ooh, bailing on dinner. Nick, I need you. 6 00:00:12,327 --> 00:00:14,640 Wingman sitch. Jewish girl, sensible nose. 7 00:00:14,646 --> 00:00:16,734 - High-level target. - I can't be your wingman. 8 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,841 - We got to go this Bertie dinner. - Don't make it seem like a chore, okay? 9 00:00:19,861 --> 00:00:23,423 She is making ten or eleven soups. And all of them are cream-based. 10 00:00:23,445 --> 00:00:24,799 Cool. 11 00:00:25,721 --> 00:00:28,085 - Hey, Mom. - Hi, baby, I'm sorry to interrupt. 12 00:00:28,104 --> 00:00:31,190 I know the morning is the most sensual time of day. 13 00:00:31,217 --> 00:00:32,770 But, um, I need you. It's your sister. 14 00:00:32,798 --> 00:00:34,918 Abby? What is it? 15 00:00:34,931 --> 00:00:37,753 She was arrested at a hotel in San Diego. 16 00:00:37,759 --> 00:00:39,193 How's everything with your sister? 17 00:00:39,213 --> 00:00:41,739 I mean, she was caught stealing, they called the cops, it's a mess. 18 00:00:41,755 --> 00:00:43,958 Imagine me next door with a, with a nice Jewish girl. 19 00:00:43,971 --> 00:00:45,671 - Hey, Jess has a sister? - Yeah, I've never met her. 20 00:00:45,688 --> 00:00:48,935 I need you to go to the jail, pick her up and put her on a plane home. 21 00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:51,082 - Oh, that's fabulous. - And by the way, um... 22 00:00:51,102 --> 00:00:54,175 I don't know what kind of jail this is. So be prepared for anything. 23 00:00:54,192 --> 00:00:55,852 I mean, wear a shirt you don't love-love. 24 00:00:55,862 --> 00:00:57,462 - Okay. - Love you. 25 00:00:57,482 --> 00:00:58,869 Hi Nick... 26 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:02,356 Okay, here, these are all the ladles that I could find. 27 00:01:02,385 --> 00:01:04,978 Ooh, this one is deep. 28 00:01:05,001 --> 00:01:06,614 So, what's up with your sister? 29 00:01:06,622 --> 00:01:08,716 Well, she's coming to town. 30 00:01:08,742 --> 00:01:11,429 - Great! - Ooh, yikes, that's... - The best news ever? I know! 31 00:01:11,449 --> 00:01:15,876 It's so, so, so, so, so, so, 32 00:01:15,902 --> 00:01:17,209 so good. 33 00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:19,416 ♪ Who's that girl? 34 00:01:19,442 --> 00:01:21,204 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. 35 00:01:21,228 --> 00:01:22,428 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 36 00:01:22,534 --> 00:01:25,433 Well, I can't wait to meet the mysterious Abby Day. 37 00:01:25,446 --> 00:01:26,753 Not mysterious. 38 00:01:27,623 --> 00:01:31,499 - Jet setter. - You know, I always imagined her with a French-speaking black husband, 39 00:01:31,519 --> 00:01:33,389 like a Jerome St. Pierre. 40 00:01:33,406 --> 00:01:34,886 So, I'll probably meet her at the airport 41 00:01:34,911 --> 00:01:36,791 - for a little layover hang. - Why are you ignoring me, Nick? 42 00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:39,692 - 'Cause I'm paying attention to my girlfriend. - Nick! There, a reaction! 43 00:01:39,717 --> 00:01:41,730 Thank goodness! Now I know I'm not a ghost. 44 00:01:41,743 --> 00:01:43,376 - All right, I got to go. - Oh, you're going...? 45 00:01:43,383 --> 00:01:45,210 I'll, uh, I-I got to go. 46 00:01:45,234 --> 00:01:47,593 Hey, hey, hey, hey, Jess, Jess! What if I came with? 47 00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:48,940 Yeah, you know, I don't think 48 00:01:48,966 --> 00:01:50,893 - you two would really get along. - Why not? 49 00:01:50,906 --> 00:01:52,862 Look, I just haven't seen her in a really long time, and... 50 00:01:52,883 --> 00:01:54,553 Jess, I'd like to meet your sister. 51 00:01:56,422 --> 00:01:58,718 Why don't we do this? Um... Why don't I go pick her up? 52 00:01:58,738 --> 00:02:02,276 And then come meet us for a quick dinner before she leaves? 53 00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:04,664 - That would be awesome. That's all I was looking for. - Yeah. Okay. 54 00:02:04,677 --> 00:02:07,320 - Winston, we can't make your dinner! - Bye, Winston. I'm not gonna be with you. 55 00:02:07,345 --> 00:02:08,813 Wait! No, no, no, no! Wait... 56 00:02:10,435 --> 00:02:12,662 Hey, hey. Are you really letting Nick meet Abby? 57 00:02:12,688 --> 00:02:15,642 Hell no. I'm going to pick her up from jail. 58 00:02:15,661 --> 00:02:17,420 Like, straight-up jail. 59 00:02:17,447 --> 00:02:19,887 I told Nick he could meet her on her "layover" 60 00:02:19,911 --> 00:02:23,271 but, whoops, her flight got changed. No time. Sorry. 61 00:02:23,290 --> 00:02:25,610 - Bye, Nick! I'll see you later! - I'm out of shampoo! 62 00:02:25,623 --> 00:02:28,133 Gonna use bar soap! But your sister won't know the difference! 63 00:02:28,152 --> 00:02:30,340 Okay! Can't wait for you to meet her! 64 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:32,182 He's never going to meet her. 65 00:02:33,670 --> 00:02:36,842 Hey, dude. I can't go to this dinner. It's a double date now. 66 00:02:36,868 --> 00:02:38,544 Things are already weird enough between me and Cece. 67 00:02:38,564 --> 00:02:41,704 Because you went on a date two months ago and she never texted you? 68 00:02:41,723 --> 00:02:42,515 Yeah. 69 00:02:44,404 --> 00:02:46,164 - Be a man, Coach! - All right. 70 00:02:46,187 --> 00:02:49,194 Be there by 6:00 and bring a bottle of wine. 71 00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:52,179 And don't be cheap, either. Bertie is a Somalian. 72 00:02:52,947 --> 00:02:54,026 Okay. 73 00:02:55,250 --> 00:02:57,144 Oh, tidings, Abigail. 74 00:02:57,167 --> 00:02:59,575 I'm Jess's beau. My name is Nicholas. 75 00:02:59,607 --> 00:03:01,494 - It's a pleasure to... - Oh, good God. 76 00:03:01,511 --> 00:03:03,238 - Is that a common barber's comb? - Look, Schmidt, 77 00:03:03,258 --> 00:03:05,266 I just want to make a good impression on Jess's sister. 78 00:03:05,283 --> 00:03:07,110 Yeah, well, I want Julia Child not to be dead, 79 00:03:07,123 --> 00:03:08,636 but here we find ourselves. 80 00:03:08,669 --> 00:03:10,452 What did you come here to talk to me about? 81 00:03:10,472 --> 00:03:13,681 As I was saying earlier, I have a very difficult flirting situation here. 82 00:03:13,708 --> 00:03:15,861 I mean, it's a double black diamond: Trees, moguls. 83 00:03:15,874 --> 00:03:18,288 And, as we both know, you're the best wingman who's ever wung. 84 00:03:18,757 --> 00:03:19,857 Thank you, Schmidt! 85 00:03:19,877 --> 00:03:21,617 I'm almost glad I got in the accident 86 00:03:21,631 --> 00:03:23,392 so we can have more days like this together, 87 00:03:23,412 --> 00:03:25,135 with you helping me through this. 88 00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:28,192 How could a guy so rich be so generous with his time? 89 00:03:28,224 --> 00:03:28,951 Whoa... 90 00:03:28,963 --> 00:03:31,156 Excuse me. Are you the writer of 91 00:03:31,175 --> 00:03:34,098 So You've Mastered the Female Orgasm, Now What? 92 00:03:34,124 --> 00:03:35,904 - Incredible. Can I have your autograph? - Of course. 93 00:03:35,931 --> 00:03:37,015 Come on, man. It's a quick party. 94 00:03:37,028 --> 00:03:38,940 - I'll have you back by your little dinner. - Okay, I'll do it, 95 00:03:38,966 --> 00:03:41,151 but as soon as Jess says I've got to go, I'm out. 96 00:03:41,164 --> 00:03:44,504 Thank you very much. For your mitigated support and tiny portion of your life. 97 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:45,890 - Sure. - Okay. 98 00:03:47,724 --> 00:03:48,591 Hey, Abby. 99 00:03:48,611 --> 00:03:51,398 Oh, look who came to pick up her big, bad sister. 100 00:03:51,424 --> 00:03:54,337 So, you good to go? Or you gotta sign yearbooks or something? 101 00:03:56,092 --> 00:03:57,565 Bridget stole your gum. 102 00:03:57,584 --> 00:04:00,277 What? You took my Fruity Fruit? 103 00:04:00,284 --> 00:04:02,683 I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, bitch! 104 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:04,227 - Oh, my God. Oh... - Gum? 105 00:04:05,947 --> 00:04:07,553 I want my Fruity Fruit! 106 00:04:07,570 --> 00:04:09,988 I ain't got your Fruity Fruit, bitch! 107 00:04:12,011 --> 00:04:14,011 What about the new guy? I want to meet him. 108 00:04:14,030 --> 00:04:15,990 We don't really have time to meet him 'cause I have to take you 109 00:04:16,010 --> 00:04:18,410 to the airport 'cause Mom's already bought you a ticket. 110 00:04:18,429 --> 00:04:20,330 I know all of her credit card information, 111 00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:22,125 - No. - and I can just change it. 112 00:04:22,151 --> 00:04:23,784 - Wait, what are you doing? Wait, no. - Sweet. 113 00:04:23,794 --> 00:04:26,674 Why don't you just for once in your life do something 114 00:04:26,681 --> 00:04:27,721 that you're not supposed to do? 115 00:04:27,737 --> 00:04:30,190 I didn't put the cap back on the honey bear the other day. 116 00:04:30,217 --> 00:04:32,818 - Drive. Drive. Drive. - Oh, my God. No! No! 117 00:04:32,838 --> 00:04:35,191 - No! No! I will not drive unsafely! - Try-try it! 118 00:04:35,211 --> 00:04:37,855 I have a perfect record. Get your hands away from me. 119 00:04:39,207 --> 00:04:40,620 - Why don't you want me to meet him? - About. 120 00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:42,740 - Are you embarrassed of me? - I do. No. 121 00:04:42,763 --> 00:04:45,450 - Great. 'Cause I just got on a later flight. - That's great. 122 00:04:46,394 --> 00:04:48,532 - So excited. - I know. 123 00:04:49,384 --> 00:04:51,011 Did you just start driving really slow? 124 00:04:51,030 --> 00:04:53,670 No, I actually think I'm speeding. I hope there's no coppers around. 125 00:04:54,934 --> 00:04:56,760 Drive faster. 126 00:04:56,774 --> 00:04:59,581 Sorry, sir! Thank you for your service! 127 00:05:01,941 --> 00:05:04,414 ♪ You're over my head, I'm outta my mind ♪ 128 00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:06,340 ♪ Thinking I was born in the wrong time... ♪ 129 00:05:06,370 --> 00:05:08,717 - What is this place? - It's a bar mitzvah. 130 00:05:08,729 --> 00:05:11,097 I am not watching a kid get circumcised. 131 00:05:11,123 --> 00:05:13,618 The target is Rachael. She's a Hebrew school teacher. 132 00:05:13,624 --> 00:05:16,748 Crashing some random kid's bar mitzvah's the best way to get her? 133 00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:19,454 Get her on the dance floor, a little bit softer now, 134 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:22,536 a little bit louder now, sweep her off her feet, 135 00:05:22,549 --> 00:05:24,236 we'll get married, we'll have a son named Elon. 136 00:05:24,259 --> 00:05:26,152 At his bar mitzvah, I tell the story of how I met his mom 137 00:05:26,162 --> 00:05:28,617 at this bar mitzvah. Not a dry eye in the house. 138 00:05:28,651 --> 00:05:30,651 Jewish continuity, et cetera, et cetera. 139 00:05:30,672 --> 00:05:33,005 Do you realize how long you were just talking? 140 00:05:33,046 --> 00:05:34,686 There she is. Whew! 141 00:05:34,716 --> 00:05:37,343 - A beautiful piece of hamentaschen. - What the hell is hamentaschen? 142 00:05:37,362 --> 00:05:39,675 Problem is her dad is my rabbi. 143 00:05:39,859 --> 00:05:42,359 He hates me. So I just need to charm Rachael 144 00:05:42,383 --> 00:05:45,041 before he gets to her and tells her horrible-slash-true things about me. 145 00:05:45,066 --> 00:05:46,886 - Absolutely. - Oh! Hello! 146 00:05:46,919 --> 00:05:48,213 - What a day. - Oh... 147 00:05:48,232 --> 00:05:51,434 a special day. Oh, take my hand. 148 00:05:51,455 --> 00:05:54,282 - Take your hand. - A special day. 149 00:05:54,301 --> 00:05:56,675 You just wanted to take my hand so you could say that again, didn't you? 150 00:05:56,695 --> 00:05:57,941 Mmm, I did. 151 00:05:57,974 --> 00:06:00,230 I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting. 152 00:06:01,079 --> 00:06:02,886 May I take your hand, too? 153 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,832 You can take anything you want, Shirley. 154 00:06:06,749 --> 00:06:08,388 So, yeah, just the... 155 00:06:08,749 --> 00:06:11,574 just the two of us with Bertie and Winston tonight? 156 00:06:11,599 --> 00:06:14,995 Yeah, just, uh... just-just you and me. 157 00:06:15,022 --> 00:06:17,542 Uh, and Bertie. And Winston. 158 00:06:17,563 --> 00:06:20,522 - Just... eating night lunch. - Yeah, like a... 159 00:06:20,535 --> 00:06:22,793 you know, like a date. But not a date 'cause... 160 00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,171 - Yeah. - Yeah. 161 00:06:25,512 --> 00:06:26,741 So, uh... 162 00:06:27,229 --> 00:06:29,071 What is that? Is that a onesie? 163 00:06:29,443 --> 00:06:30,403 Yeah. 164 00:06:30,423 --> 00:06:32,443 How do you... how do you take it off to use the bathroom? 165 00:06:32,465 --> 00:06:33,645 Mmm... 166 00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,122 Whoa. Nice place. 167 00:06:38,142 --> 00:06:40,082 - Oh, my God! - Hey! 168 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:44,332 - You look, you know, amazing. - You look amazing. Look at you. 169 00:06:44,351 --> 00:06:47,610 Oh, my God. I'm so happy you're not just paper-thin anymore. 170 00:06:47,633 --> 00:06:50,031 Oh, my God. You're just the best. 171 00:06:51,039 --> 00:06:53,339 Hello, Hot Cocoa. Whoa. 172 00:06:53,359 --> 00:06:54,910 What's going on here? 173 00:06:54,935 --> 00:06:57,428 - Nothing. - I'm getting a real vibe. 174 00:06:57,455 --> 00:06:58,718 - No. - Mmm, 175 00:06:58,745 --> 00:07:03,073 you want to have sex with her, you... 176 00:07:03,555 --> 00:07:05,675 are not so sure. 177 00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:08,269 If she doesn't want to put out, I will. 178 00:07:08,292 --> 00:07:10,925 - ♪ Abby Day ♪ - There you go. 179 00:07:10,944 --> 00:07:13,725 ♪ Abby Day, she always says ♪ 180 00:07:13,735 --> 00:07:15,495 ♪ The most inappropriate stuff. ♪ 181 00:07:15,521 --> 00:07:17,610 You a cappella sing at me one more time, 182 00:07:17,622 --> 00:07:19,695 I'll rip that stupid little dress off you 183 00:07:19,735 --> 00:07:22,916 - and shove it down your mouth. - Okay, I'm scared of you. 184 00:07:22,929 --> 00:07:25,182 ♪ Let's go in my room... ♪ Don't hurt me. 185 00:07:25,202 --> 00:07:26,872 Please don't hurt me. 186 00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:29,722 - Damn it. She hasn't called. - Will you put please that away? 187 00:07:29,735 --> 00:07:30,822 We're 30 seconds to curtain here. 188 00:07:30,828 --> 00:07:32,435 I don't want to miss a call from Jess, man. 189 00:07:32,448 --> 00:07:34,202 I need you focused. Are you ready? 190 00:07:34,225 --> 00:07:37,065 Yes. I distract the rabbi while you hit on his daughter. 191 00:07:37,085 --> 00:07:38,365 And action. Go. 192 00:07:40,462 --> 00:07:42,195 Ugh. What a spread, huh? 193 00:07:42,215 --> 00:07:43,335 - Terrible. - I agree. 194 00:07:43,355 --> 00:07:45,045 Thank God I have pizza in my car. 195 00:07:46,251 --> 00:07:47,904 Yeah, that's very funny. 196 00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,499 What's the matter with you? That wasn't a joke. 197 00:07:49,505 --> 00:07:51,968 - Who has pizza in their car? - Listen, when I make a joke, 198 00:07:51,988 --> 00:07:53,815 you'll know it. I'm a joke machine. 199 00:07:53,835 --> 00:07:55,829 What are the chances? I love jokes! 200 00:07:55,848 --> 00:07:58,075 Oh, good, okay. 201 00:07:58,112 --> 00:08:01,227 Uh... Oh, did you hear the one about the waiter? 202 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:04,433 - No. - Walks up to a table full of Jewish women and says, 203 00:08:04,453 --> 00:08:06,881 "Ladies, is anything all right?" 204 00:08:11,789 --> 00:08:12,882 Hi. 205 00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:14,437 Rack-hael! 206 00:08:14,875 --> 00:08:16,349 Baruch ata Ado, nice dress. 207 00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:18,578 Oh, thank you! 208 00:08:18,606 --> 00:08:22,260 - Uh, Shabbat sha-hello. - Yeah. 209 00:08:22,505 --> 00:08:24,265 It wasn't as good as mine, but it was cute. 210 00:08:24,290 --> 00:08:26,010 Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. 211 00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:27,749 - How's Hebrew school? - It's fine. It's the only place 212 00:08:27,762 --> 00:08:29,802 that would hire me after I got out of rehab. 213 00:08:30,666 --> 00:08:34,564 - Two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it. - 'Cause they're rich people. 214 00:08:34,583 --> 00:08:36,759 Yeah, they... well, these particular Jews happen 215 00:08:36,778 --> 00:08:39,146 - to be rich, but they worked hard. - I'm sorry. Hold on... 216 00:08:39,165 --> 00:08:41,290 - Telephone call in the middle of a punch line? - Hey. 217 00:08:41,302 --> 00:08:43,255 - Generation's the worst! - Hey, what's going on? 218 00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:46,072 So Abby's flight is crazy delayed. 219 00:08:46,103 --> 00:08:48,594 Um, so, no time for dinner. 220 00:08:48,607 --> 00:08:50,061 I can come right now, Jess. 221 00:08:50,088 --> 00:08:53,871 No. Um, she has, um, a conference call with Hong Kong about a... 222 00:08:53,889 --> 00:08:58,429 very important, uh... fashion business, uh, venture magazine... 223 00:08:58,825 --> 00:09:00,087 conference. 224 00:09:00,789 --> 00:09:02,510 Well, maybe I'll see her next time. 225 00:09:04,209 --> 00:09:06,695 Oh, no, no, no, no! 226 00:09:07,074 --> 00:09:09,335 You will not speak to my daughter! 227 00:09:09,356 --> 00:09:11,569 Rachael, this man is a nut ball! 228 00:09:11,576 --> 00:09:14,669 A nut ball? How dare you! I'm a goof ball. 229 00:09:14,682 --> 00:09:17,016 Sammy Davis, Jr. was a goof ball. 230 00:09:17,029 --> 00:09:19,960 You, sir, are no Sammy Davis, Jr. 231 00:09:19,973 --> 00:09:22,393 - I'm a... I'm a goof ball. I am a goofball. - You're bad news. Bad news. 232 00:09:22,406 --> 00:09:26,052 Daddy, I love sex, and he wants to have sex with me. 233 00:09:26,069 --> 00:09:28,609 Let him! Oh, I love sex! 234 00:09:28,629 --> 00:09:30,722 Text me. Text me. 235 00:09:33,682 --> 00:09:36,515 - What was that, man? - Jess is embarrassed of me. 236 00:09:36,538 --> 00:09:38,785 - Can you believe that? - What a shanda. 237 00:09:38,810 --> 00:09:41,020 - What's a shanda? - A shanda! 238 00:09:41,723 --> 00:09:43,423 What a shanda! 239 00:09:43,529 --> 00:09:46,376 All you care about is Jess. Remember when we used to be best friends? 240 00:09:46,389 --> 00:09:47,954 Uh, that was neat. 241 00:09:47,975 --> 00:09:49,983 What a neat time in my life that was. 242 00:09:51,326 --> 00:09:52,999 Hey, Schmidt! 243 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:56,841 My girlfriend's embarrassed of me. Can we go on that for a little bit? 244 00:09:57,325 --> 00:10:00,860 Or does the wingman never get to, you know, flap his wings? 245 00:10:01,836 --> 00:10:05,339 The bird never gets to be the main bird. This. 246 00:10:07,129 --> 00:10:07,976 Ugh! 247 00:10:07,995 --> 00:10:10,068 So, I just talked to Nick, 248 00:10:10,081 --> 00:10:12,844 and this is a real shame in the pants, but 249 00:10:13,105 --> 00:10:14,812 - he's not coming home tonight. - What? Why? 250 00:10:14,837 --> 00:10:16,424 He had to hang out with his work friends. 251 00:10:16,442 --> 00:10:20,094 - He can't come and see me? - Guess it's just us till... the airport. 252 00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:21,688 Mmm. 253 00:10:24,042 --> 00:10:25,357 You see what you're doing, right? 254 00:10:25,945 --> 00:10:27,218 Oh, my God. 255 00:10:27,243 --> 00:10:28,676 I'm mom. 256 00:10:29,722 --> 00:10:32,409 No! I'm turning into Mom. How did this happen? 257 00:10:32,422 --> 00:10:34,187 - "Just a little bit." - "Just a tipple." 258 00:10:34,214 --> 00:10:36,162 - "I don't want to get stoned." - Hey, I love that 259 00:10:36,175 --> 00:10:38,492 she calls "getting drunk" "getting stoned." 260 00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:42,378 Oh, my God. Wait. Big news. Mom got one of those very, 261 00:10:42,403 --> 00:10:44,597 very small denim backpacks. 262 00:10:44,616 --> 00:10:46,703 - She did, and she calls it her blue guy. - What? 263 00:10:46,709 --> 00:10:49,525 She's, like, "Oh, I got to grab my blue guy." 264 00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:52,386 Can't believe you're making fun of Mom. You're her perfect little baby. 265 00:10:52,396 --> 00:10:54,048 I'm... Hey, I'm... 266 00:10:54,725 --> 00:10:56,445 I'm not really a baby. 267 00:10:56,472 --> 00:10:57,977 You're a super grownup. 268 00:10:58,369 --> 00:10:59,859 Thank you. 269 00:11:01,506 --> 00:11:02,579 Oh, my... 270 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,392 - What? - I have a picture of Mom wearing the backpack 271 00:11:06,405 --> 00:11:08,245 at her sign language class graduation. 272 00:11:08,266 --> 00:11:09,493 - Oh. - You have to see this. 273 00:11:09,512 --> 00:11:11,625 - No. - It's amazing. 274 00:11:11,909 --> 00:11:13,527 I have it in a photo album. 275 00:11:25,168 --> 00:11:28,701 Ooh, bonus shot of Dad getting a haircut while eating spaghetti! 276 00:11:32,068 --> 00:11:33,508 Abby? 277 00:11:39,307 --> 00:11:41,303 Hey, Outside D, have you seen a girl 278 00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:43,287 that looks like me, but with chaos in her eyes? 279 00:11:43,301 --> 00:11:45,366 Sorry. I'm doing my taxes. 280 00:11:46,357 --> 00:11:49,749 Ooh! I'm taking in more than I'm spending. 281 00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,146 - Hey. - Hey. 282 00:11:53,168 --> 00:11:54,155 How's it going with Abby? 283 00:11:54,184 --> 00:11:56,311 Yeah, you know, we were having fun for once, and then... 284 00:11:56,317 --> 00:11:58,290 What happened? Tell me what happened. 285 00:11:58,307 --> 00:12:00,262 I will take care of it for you, baby. 286 00:12:04,258 --> 00:12:05,618 Baby? 287 00:12:06,174 --> 00:12:09,221 I got this. I got this myself. Thanks. 288 00:12:10,004 --> 00:12:11,264 Quick question. 289 00:12:11,291 --> 00:12:13,333 Is pee-pee a write-off? 290 00:12:17,658 --> 00:12:18,438 Hey. 291 00:12:18,458 --> 00:12:20,830 Not sure my body's built for these chairs. 292 00:12:22,618 --> 00:12:24,198 It's a regular chair, man. 293 00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:25,186 Yeah. 294 00:12:26,241 --> 00:12:27,601 Hey, bub. 295 00:12:27,607 --> 00:12:29,066 How you doing? 296 00:12:30,037 --> 00:12:31,984 Well, I want to apologize. 297 00:12:31,997 --> 00:12:33,790 Sorry I got distracted. 298 00:12:33,808 --> 00:12:35,305 It's okay. 299 00:12:35,581 --> 00:12:37,790 - I'm sorry your girlfriend hates you. - Ah, she doesn't hate me. 300 00:12:37,810 --> 00:12:39,658 She's just ashamed of me or something. 301 00:12:40,947 --> 00:12:43,694 Well, you know what? If she's really ashamed of you, then... 302 00:12:44,322 --> 00:12:46,422 - then she's the stupidest bitch in the whole wide world. - Easy. 303 00:12:46,441 --> 00:12:48,415 - Okay, slow down. - I apologize if I went overboard. 304 00:12:48,444 --> 00:12:50,182 - Water under the bridge. - I've never been ashamed. 305 00:12:50,201 --> 00:12:52,445 Wish I could have helped you get that girl, man. 306 00:12:52,727 --> 00:12:54,097 Feel like I blew it. 307 00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:55,794 Well, she was kind of nutty. 308 00:12:56,010 --> 00:12:57,460 What happened to us, man? 309 00:12:57,904 --> 00:13:00,740 - We used to be the best in the biz. - We still are. 310 00:13:01,220 --> 00:13:04,087 I'm the best wingman that's ever wung. 311 00:13:05,055 --> 00:13:06,662 - Make a plan? - Absolutely. 312 00:13:08,138 --> 00:13:10,757 ♪ I will... always love you... 313 00:13:10,774 --> 00:13:12,230 You're my brother. 314 00:13:14,224 --> 00:13:16,657 Thank you. Charge that to room 304. 315 00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:19,158 Ah! You! Charge that to nothing. 316 00:13:19,184 --> 00:13:20,478 She's checking out. 317 00:13:20,513 --> 00:13:22,446 Adding this hotel to your rap sheets? 318 00:13:22,464 --> 00:13:23,704 - You found me. - Oh, yeah. 319 00:13:23,726 --> 00:13:25,166 Don't you want to know why I left? 320 00:13:25,183 --> 00:13:29,784 You saw my text, and I'm... I'm honestly sorry, but... 321 00:13:30,176 --> 00:13:32,043 you do ruin everything! 322 00:13:32,064 --> 00:13:34,477 Whoa. Thought I was gonna turn the tables with that one. 323 00:13:34,483 --> 00:13:36,508 Get your ass in the car. I'm taking you to the airport. 324 00:13:36,521 --> 00:13:37,895 Thought we could share some calamari. 325 00:13:37,922 --> 00:13:39,145 - Now! - Kobe beef sliders? 326 00:13:39,164 --> 00:13:40,684 - Now...! - Lobster quesadilla? 327 00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:41,938 Right now. 328 00:13:53,059 --> 00:13:54,566 This is a great... 329 00:13:54,813 --> 00:13:56,023 Mmm. 330 00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:00,562 You know, Bertie had a dream she killed me. 331 00:14:02,820 --> 00:14:05,041 - So, uh, Coach, what's new? - Nothing. 332 00:14:05,673 --> 00:14:07,280 Isn't that right, Cece? 333 00:14:07,727 --> 00:14:08,960 Hmm? 334 00:14:09,336 --> 00:14:11,946 - What's that supposed to mean? - Oh, you'll figure it out. 335 00:14:12,736 --> 00:14:14,369 If not, just text me. 336 00:14:14,389 --> 00:14:17,016 - Or don't. You're good at that. - Oh, my God. 337 00:14:17,035 --> 00:14:20,755 Okay. We made out once, pointlessly, for two hours. 338 00:14:20,786 --> 00:14:23,164 That's it. Get over it. Let it go. 339 00:14:23,187 --> 00:14:24,720 Pointless... was it? 340 00:14:24,747 --> 00:14:26,494 - Yeah. - I mean, who does that?! 341 00:14:26,507 --> 00:14:29,626 Super-hot make out, and then, you ice me out for two months. 342 00:14:29,639 --> 00:14:32,118 What are you talking about?! Ice out what? 343 00:14:32,124 --> 00:14:34,779 You text me, "Happy Monday." What do I do with that? 344 00:14:34,805 --> 00:14:37,772 Oh, I don't know. Maybe have a happy Monday. 345 00:14:38,307 --> 00:14:39,980 Going out with you was the hottest 346 00:14:40,006 --> 00:14:41,747 and dumbest mistake I ever made! 347 00:14:41,757 --> 00:14:43,270 It was the hottest, dumbest, 348 00:14:43,294 --> 00:14:45,701 sexiest mistake I ever made. 349 00:14:45,726 --> 00:14:48,610 It was so dumb of me to pick you up and press you up against that wall. 350 00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:52,377 So dumb how cool those bricks made my skin feel. 351 00:14:52,403 --> 00:14:54,471 You guys should try the fisherman's bisque. 352 00:14:54,863 --> 00:14:56,789 Has just the right amount of tang. 353 00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:58,811 - That tang? - Mm. 354 00:14:59,163 --> 00:15:00,189 That's tang. 355 00:15:00,534 --> 00:15:02,015 Okay. 356 00:15:03,010 --> 00:15:04,954 - Whoa! Whoa. Okay. - Sorry. I was trying... I was trying to... 357 00:15:04,993 --> 00:15:08,100 Just gonna pivot a little bit more to the side. Yeah. - Yeah, just pivot? 358 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,965 No, okay, look, I think the way it was... 359 00:15:10,250 --> 00:15:11,990 ...was more... I was up, right? 360 00:15:12,015 --> 00:15:14,280 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were up. - That's-that's how it was... yeah, up. 361 00:15:14,303 --> 00:15:17,133 - Just... Okay. - All right. Now what do we do? 362 00:15:17,146 --> 00:15:20,170 Maybe just, like, lower your center of gravity, and then this is gonna work. 363 00:15:20,183 --> 00:15:22,738 Just lower it down, I'm gonna clench my thighs. 364 00:15:23,453 --> 00:15:26,091 - I'm gonna fall. I'm gonna fall... - I'm clenching my thighs as hard as I can. 365 00:15:26,111 --> 00:15:28,829 - Okay, okay. - What? Oh. Geez. 366 00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:31,267 - Oh! - Geez. 367 00:15:31,843 --> 00:15:33,216 That was... 368 00:15:33,561 --> 00:15:35,508 - awful. Oh, my gosh. - That was the worst. 369 00:15:35,521 --> 00:15:37,528 - Wow, what is happening? - Oh, Lord. 370 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,153 Maybe you were right not to text me back, 'cause that was... 371 00:15:40,170 --> 00:15:41,940 embarrassing. 372 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:44,776 - I'm sorry. - No, that's cool. 373 00:15:45,006 --> 00:15:47,777 Can we just be friends now? You know? 374 00:15:48,137 --> 00:15:51,048 Yeah. I mean, why not? 375 00:15:52,287 --> 00:15:53,871 - Friends? - Friends. 376 00:15:55,900 --> 00:15:56,914 Friends. 377 00:15:57,863 --> 00:15:58,970 Come here, you. 378 00:15:58,983 --> 00:16:00,322 - Oh, oh! - Aah! Sorry. 379 00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,936 - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Literally just bit my tooth. 380 00:16:02,949 --> 00:16:06,469 - I'm sorry, when I get excited my teeth come out. - Who does that? 381 00:16:06,495 --> 00:16:08,299 - Sorry. - I think I broke my tooth. 382 00:16:08,333 --> 00:16:09,565 Let me see? 383 00:16:09,583 --> 00:16:10,736 Oh. 384 00:16:15,370 --> 00:16:16,740 Okay. 385 00:16:16,756 --> 00:16:18,387 Go straight to the gate. 386 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:20,817 Look... 387 00:16:21,089 --> 00:16:22,842 I get why you're mad at me. 388 00:16:22,873 --> 00:16:24,937 Okay? But if it's any consolation, 389 00:16:24,962 --> 00:16:28,305 I'm a woman in my 30s about to get on a plane to go live with my mother. 390 00:16:29,386 --> 00:16:32,374 It's only a matter of time before I have a tiny denim backpack, too. 391 00:16:34,053 --> 00:16:36,430 I said I would never go back to Portland. 392 00:16:37,552 --> 00:16:40,579 So I guess I'm a complete failure. 393 00:16:41,803 --> 00:16:43,391 I'm the baby. 394 00:16:55,613 --> 00:16:58,740 Is this the craziest thing that's going on in the airport? Really? 395 00:16:59,660 --> 00:17:02,277 Okay, recap, you hit the dance floor, and... 396 00:17:02,296 --> 00:17:03,750 Do what I do best, be an embarrassment. 397 00:17:03,770 --> 00:17:06,478 Well, it's a gift, Nick. I need you to ruin this bar mitzvah. 398 00:17:06,491 --> 00:17:08,293 What do you say, just get out there and do some weird dancing? 399 00:17:08,304 --> 00:17:10,084 - It's got to be bigger than that, man. - Bigger than that? 400 00:17:10,110 --> 00:17:11,362 Then I come out there and I... 401 00:17:11,381 --> 00:17:13,228 ...knock you out. It's all right. 402 00:17:13,631 --> 00:17:16,065 Again, it'll be a stage punch. Don't worry. I've done several productions 403 00:17:16,070 --> 00:17:17,170 ...of West Side Story. 404 00:17:17,194 --> 00:17:19,403 - I know. You told me. - As a Puerto Rican Shark. 405 00:17:20,014 --> 00:17:21,574 - That's cool. - It was awesome. 406 00:17:21,604 --> 00:17:23,124 You never came and saw it, but... 407 00:17:23,137 --> 00:17:24,718 - Well, I was very busy at that time. - Whatever, never mind. 408 00:17:24,734 --> 00:17:26,487 The rabbi will then come out, he'll thank me, 409 00:17:26,511 --> 00:17:27,761 - the hero... - Gotcha. 410 00:17:27,774 --> 00:17:30,132 He'll offer me his daughter's hand, then, five years from now, 411 00:17:30,148 --> 00:17:33,207 Rachael is pregnant with Elon's little sister and we're having 412 00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:35,782 a beautiful family New Year's then in our vacation condo 413 00:17:35,798 --> 00:17:38,836 - in the Florida Keys. - You're doing it again, you're talking in speeches. 414 00:17:38,855 --> 00:17:41,177 You've been monologuing, lately, Schmidt. 415 00:17:41,718 --> 00:17:43,171 Do you s... Do you, do you hear yourself? 416 00:17:43,198 --> 00:17:44,351 - I-I'm unaware of it. - You... Okay. 417 00:17:44,371 --> 00:17:45,951 I'm not gonna get mad at you, 'cause I respect you and you're one of... 418 00:17:45,984 --> 00:17:47,197 - I'm unaware of it. - But, like, it's weird. 419 00:17:47,218 --> 00:17:49,231 - I apologize. I'll stop doing it. - Okay. 420 00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:50,925 - Hey. - Yeah? 421 00:17:50,955 --> 00:17:53,082 Light this cannon up so I can shoot off. 422 00:17:55,957 --> 00:17:58,039 Oh! 423 00:17:58,241 --> 00:18:00,669 Well, well, well, it's a snake in the grass. 424 00:18:01,071 --> 00:18:03,000 How you doing? My name's Nick. 425 00:18:03,561 --> 00:18:05,348 You know martial arts? 426 00:18:05,378 --> 00:18:06,948 Swear to God you don't? 427 00:18:07,198 --> 00:18:10,931 You run around with this hunk anymore, this little surfer cat. 428 00:18:10,948 --> 00:18:12,448 I know your game. 429 00:18:12,681 --> 00:18:16,624 Charming the ladies with your baby blue eyes. I wish I had 'em. 430 00:18:18,004 --> 00:18:19,752 Breaking my heart, beautiful. 431 00:18:20,836 --> 00:18:21,516 What? 432 00:18:21,529 --> 00:18:23,722 And I all do is love you. I give and I give. 433 00:18:23,747 --> 00:18:27,335 I been working for 40 years at the steel mill for you. 434 00:18:27,598 --> 00:18:28,925 We just met. 435 00:18:28,944 --> 00:18:32,207 I want to rip that blouse off you and put it on me. 436 00:18:32,228 --> 00:18:35,210 - Oh, wow. - I want to wear your lipstick. 437 00:18:35,487 --> 00:18:39,211 - Well, that's interesting. - I want to rip those earrings off 438 00:18:39,237 --> 00:18:42,017 and put 'em on and I want to be the girl! 439 00:18:42,031 --> 00:18:44,091 That would be wonderful. 440 00:18:44,117 --> 00:18:47,607 But I won't do it around all these crazy Jews. 441 00:18:47,981 --> 00:18:50,861 And I don't care who's watching. I want what I want. 442 00:18:51,918 --> 00:18:53,131 Ooh! 443 00:18:58,347 --> 00:19:00,054 - Unhand her, sir. - Whoa, what is... Hey, man. 444 00:19:00,074 --> 00:19:02,068 That's my mother! 445 00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:03,631 Ooh! 446 00:19:04,125 --> 00:19:05,011 You okay? 447 00:19:05,041 --> 00:19:06,974 Nice shot, Dr. Nussbaum. 448 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,376 Would you like to date my daughter? She's available. 449 00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,618 Oh, great, yeah, tell the whole room that I'm available. 450 00:19:11,638 --> 00:19:14,667 I'm not telling the whole room. I'm telling Dr. Nussbaum. 451 00:19:14,698 --> 00:19:17,038 - A doctor. - No, I got that. 452 00:19:21,491 --> 00:19:22,951 - Oh, hey. - Hey. 453 00:19:22,971 --> 00:19:25,311 I like your glass... What happened to your eye? 454 00:19:25,328 --> 00:19:27,135 I got beat up at a bar mitzvah. 455 00:19:27,155 --> 00:19:28,870 And I know that's embarrassing, and I know 456 00:19:28,883 --> 00:19:31,361 you're too embarrassed of me to introduce me to your sister. 457 00:19:31,374 --> 00:19:32,681 - What? - And I get that, Jess. 458 00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:35,733 - Nick, that's not at all what... - You know what? 459 00:19:35,764 --> 00:19:37,364 There is something I just cannot shake, 460 00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:38,979 I been tossing and turning all night long. 461 00:19:39,005 --> 00:19:41,561 We literally have been apart for like 15 seconds, man. Get out of here. 462 00:19:41,591 --> 00:19:44,564 I am your wingman now, Nick, because it-it takes two wings... 463 00:19:44,577 --> 00:19:47,017 - Don't do this. - ...for a, for a bird to dance. 464 00:19:47,038 --> 00:19:49,688 - Jessica Day, you are dating a champion. - I agree. 465 00:19:49,708 --> 00:19:52,440 And I don't know why on earth you would be embarrassed of him. 466 00:19:52,471 --> 00:19:53,884 - Excuse me? - Don't... I told him not... 467 00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:55,608 I don't understand where this is coming from. 468 00:19:55,630 --> 00:19:57,103 I am not embarrassed of Nick, 469 00:19:57,114 --> 00:19:58,490 - not at all. - For real? 470 00:19:58,509 --> 00:19:59,957 - No. - Well, that's great news. 471 00:19:59,974 --> 00:20:02,820 I'm glad that's out of the way. Fantastic. I'll see you guys for brunch. 472 00:20:04,031 --> 00:20:05,556 Why would you think that? 473 00:20:06,180 --> 00:20:09,671 - She's embarrassed of me. Oh, hello. - Oh, hey. 474 00:20:09,690 --> 00:20:10,938 - This is, um... - I'm Abby. 475 00:20:10,954 --> 00:20:12,894 - Abby. - Hi. 476 00:20:12,918 --> 00:20:14,291 Mom was right. 477 00:20:14,311 --> 00:20:16,231 - He does have an uptown butt. - What? 478 00:20:16,267 --> 00:20:18,887 - I'd like to put that butt in ski pants. - What does that mean? 479 00:20:18,908 --> 00:20:20,387 - Nothing. - Everything. 480 00:20:20,407 --> 00:20:22,718 - Come on, Abby. - Oh, come on. 481 00:20:22,738 --> 00:20:24,005 Jess, I'm putting my stuff in your room. 482 00:20:24,024 --> 00:20:27,508 So that mean you guys are gonna stay in your room. 483 00:20:27,684 --> 00:20:29,656 - Thank me later. - All right. 484 00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:34,016 Well, she is just a delight. 485 00:20:35,750 --> 00:20:39,439 So I might have told a few lies about my sister. 486 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:41,613 She's a total train wreck, and she was in jail. 487 00:20:41,631 --> 00:20:44,491 Well, look, why lie? You know how many Millers have been 488 00:20:44,504 --> 00:20:45,958 or are currently in jail? 489 00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:48,191 I get it. It's just, she's such a... 490 00:20:48,237 --> 00:20:49,897 I can hear you. 491 00:20:51,196 --> 00:20:53,613 - Complicated person. - Right. 492 00:20:54,374 --> 00:20:55,507 Anyway. 493 00:20:55,608 --> 00:20:57,674 - She needs me. - Right. 494 00:20:57,870 --> 00:21:00,997 - Can she stay with us? - Yeah, of course. How-how long? 495 00:21:01,018 --> 00:21:02,358 - A few weeks. - Few weeks. 496 00:21:02,383 --> 00:21:04,143 - A month, tops. 497 00:21:04,525 --> 00:21:06,897 - Six months, super tops. - Six months. 498 00:21:06,917 --> 00:21:09,857 Just till I get on my feet. Oh. What's your address? 499 00:21:09,888 --> 00:21:12,328 In case I want to get any "deliveries." 500 00:21:12,371 --> 00:21:13,878 I'm not telling you. 501 00:21:14,031 --> 00:21:15,361 I'm not telling you, I'm n... 502 00:21:15,811 --> 00:21:17,631 "Deliveries?" No. 503 00:21:17,654 --> 00:21:19,767 Deliveries are fine, "deliveries," no. 504 00:21:19,787 --> 00:21:22,117 - Depends what you want "delivered." - I'll figure it out. 505 00:21:26,574 --> 00:21:27,804 Well... 506 00:21:31,561 --> 00:21:32,843 I love you. 507 00:21:35,716 --> 00:21:40,716 Synced and corrected by backinblack www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther