1
00:00:01,955 --> 00:00:03,271
We're all adults.

2
00:00:03,459 --> 00:00:06,145
What's the harm?
We can do this with dignity,

3
00:00:06,322 --> 00:00:09,120
self-restraint, and dare I say...

4
00:00:09,311 --> 00:00:11,660
- honour.
- The game is True American.

5
00:00:11,700 --> 00:00:13,329
One, two, three, four...
JFK!

6
00:00:13,605 --> 00:00:14,599
FDR!

7
00:00:15,754 --> 00:00:17,369
King of the castle, baby!

8
00:00:17,519 --> 00:00:20,574
Grover Cleveland round!
Non-consecutive shots!

9
00:00:21,991 --> 00:00:22,924
Sorry.

10
00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:26,227
Welcome to Ellis Island, folks.

11
00:00:26,262 --> 00:00:27,362
- You're a Bill,
- Ah!

12
00:00:27,396 --> 00:00:29,330
You're a George,

13
00:00:29,365 --> 00:00:31,099
- you're a Bill.
- Ah.

14
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:32,901
You're Greek. Get out of here!

15
00:00:32,935 --> 00:00:34,068
What? Why am I Greek?

16
00:00:34,103 --> 00:00:35,169
You're a Greek.
Get out of here!

17
00:00:35,204 --> 00:00:36,371
- Get out of here.
- And you...

18
00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:39,607
He's got the plague! Scatter!

19
00:00:39,642 --> 00:00:41,042
Hello!

20
00:00:44,780 --> 00:00:46,714
Taft just sat on you!

21
00:00:49,785 --> 00:00:52,220
My name is Eli Whitney,
and I created the cotton gin.

22
00:00:52,254 --> 00:00:55,557
Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin!
Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin!

23
00:00:55,591 --> 00:00:57,492
Gin! Gin! Gin!

24
00:01:01,797 --> 00:01:04,199
Oh, God.

25
00:01:08,285 --> 00:01:12,809
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com

26
00:01:14,576 --> 00:01:16,078
Son of a...

27
00:01:17,112 --> 00:01:19,614
Jessica, did we die?

28
00:01:19,648 --> 00:01:22,483
No. Alive.

29
00:01:22,518 --> 00:01:23,284
Shh...

30
00:01:23,319 --> 00:01:25,320
Turkey bacon.

31
00:01:25,354 --> 00:01:27,755
- Mm.
- That's nice.

32
00:01:27,790 --> 00:01:30,158
- That's ni, Nick.
- That's ni.

33
00:01:30,192 --> 00:01:33,127
Get sleep.

34
00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,097
Yeah.

35
00:01:36,131 --> 00:01:37,899
Help me up.

36
00:01:37,933 --> 00:01:40,735
I'm trying.

37
00:01:40,769 --> 00:01:44,439
You're...

38
00:01:44,473 --> 00:01:46,508
You drink some water.

39
00:01:46,542 --> 00:01:50,144
Aw, son of a bitch,
the water fell on the ground.

40
00:01:50,179 --> 00:01:52,247
Here. Here you go.

41
00:01:52,281 --> 00:01:55,517
Drink the water. That's good.

42
00:01:57,152 --> 00:01:58,453
Oh, no.

43
00:01:58,487 --> 00:01:59,621
- No.
- Oh, make it stop.

44
00:01:59,655 --> 00:02:01,823
- Jessica, make it stop.
- No!

45
00:02:03,726 --> 00:02:05,527
Oh.

46
00:02:05,561 --> 00:02:07,929
Hello.

47
00:02:07,963 --> 00:02:10,165
Jess, where are you?
It's Jacob's first birthday.

48
00:02:10,199 --> 00:02:11,666
You're his godmother, I need you here.

49
00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:14,102
Sir, hi. Who are you?

50
00:02:14,136 --> 00:02:16,404
This is a private residence.

51
00:02:16,438 --> 00:02:18,339
I'll be right there.

52
00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:23,878
Hey, Nick. It's me, Jess.

53
00:02:23,913 --> 00:02:25,446
I have really bad news.

54
00:02:25,481 --> 00:02:28,449
We have to go to
a one-year-old's birthday party.

55
00:02:28,484 --> 00:02:30,518
I'm not interested
in that birthday party.

56
00:02:30,553 --> 00:02:32,187
Thank you for the invitation.

57
00:02:32,221 --> 00:02:33,855
Good night.

58
00:02:33,889 --> 00:02:35,857
I'm so hungover.

59
00:02:35,891 --> 00:02:38,026
- Why today?
- What?

60
00:02:38,060 --> 00:02:39,460
You think it went bad?

61
00:02:39,495 --> 00:02:41,963
We're your new neighbors.

62
00:02:43,999 --> 00:02:48,803
Um, I think y-your bagel
fell out of your mouth.

63
00:02:48,838 --> 00:02:51,339
I'm Jewish.

64
00:02:51,373 --> 00:02:54,409
Why didn't you guys tell me I was
still wearing ladies' sunglasses?

65
00:02:54,443 --> 00:02:57,412
I look like Magic Johnson's son, EJ.

66
00:02:57,446 --> 00:02:58,780
Hey, you guys, I got a problem.

67
00:02:58,814 --> 00:03:01,015
You know that guy that I'm dating?

68
00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:02,684
Buster, your child bride?

69
00:03:02,718 --> 00:03:04,252
He's 20, okay?
Not that it matters.

70
00:03:04,286 --> 00:03:06,421
- Is he smooth all over?
- Does he take baths in the sink?

71
00:03:06,455 --> 00:03:09,057
I sent him a bunch
of drunk texts last night.

72
00:03:09,091 --> 00:03:10,992
- What?
- Mmm.

73
00:03:11,026 --> 00:03:12,360
Oh, dear Lord.

74
00:03:12,394 --> 00:03:15,196
- I know.
- "I miss the way that your hands smell"?

75
00:03:15,231 --> 00:03:17,165
Did you write an entire
Jewel song in here?

76
00:03:17,199 --> 00:03:18,233
Is it from Pieces of You?

77
00:03:18,267 --> 00:03:20,034
You want to buy a rabbit with him?

78
00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:21,102
This isn't a text message,

79
00:03:21,137 --> 00:03:22,704
it's a freaking Russian novel.

80
00:03:22,738 --> 00:03:24,272
Okay, well, you know what, what do I do?

81
00:03:24,641 --> 00:03:27,242
Text him one of the little yellow men.
The-the emoticons.

82
00:03:27,276 --> 00:03:30,378
You know, with the...
with the fa... with the faces.

83
00:03:30,412 --> 00:03:32,347
I hate all of you.

84
00:03:32,381 --> 00:03:34,616
Okay, so we really
tanked it with those babes.

85
00:03:34,650 --> 00:03:35,450
Look, we need to orchestrate

86
00:03:35,484 --> 00:03:36,885
a situation which allows us

87
00:03:36,919 --> 00:03:38,520
to put our best foot forward.

88
00:03:38,554 --> 00:03:39,687
- That's easy. We help 'em move.
- Winston,

89
00:03:39,722 --> 00:03:42,023
Winston... shh.

90
00:03:42,057 --> 00:03:43,892
Why? It makes perfect sense.

91
00:03:43,926 --> 00:03:46,294
Helping a girl move makes you come off
as a doormat, you know what I mean?

92
00:03:46,328 --> 00:03:47,695
Honey, honey, honey, just...

93
00:03:47,730 --> 00:03:49,297
listen to Coach.

94
00:03:49,331 --> 00:03:50,598
Baby, look,

95
00:03:50,633 --> 00:03:52,467
let us handle this,
okay? You go help Cece

96
00:03:52,501 --> 00:03:53,635
with the text messages.

97
00:03:53,669 --> 00:03:55,036
- You know, maybe I will.
- Okay.

98
00:03:55,070 --> 00:03:57,472
But only because I really do
enjoy helping people.

99
00:03:57,506 --> 00:03:59,474
You're gonna be great, buddy.

100
00:03:59,508 --> 00:04:01,810
You're gonna do good things, man.

101
00:04:01,844 --> 00:04:03,244
You think we were too harsh on him?

102
00:04:03,279 --> 00:04:04,312
He makes you. He does.

103
00:04:04,346 --> 00:04:06,181
Don't blame yourself.

104
00:04:09,752 --> 00:04:12,554
How the hell did this happen?

105
00:04:12,588 --> 00:04:14,622
I found some things and I put them on.

106
00:04:14,657 --> 00:04:17,592
- Throw this on.
- Mm.

107
00:04:17,626 --> 00:04:19,794
- Okay. That'll do it.
- Cover up the tops.

108
00:04:21,330 --> 00:04:22,330
You look great.

109
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,066
No.

110
00:04:25,101 --> 00:04:28,069
- I couldn't have done it without you.
- No, you're...

111
00:04:28,104 --> 00:04:30,071
you're getting emotional. You do
this when you're hungover,

112
00:04:30,106 --> 00:04:31,539
but I'm gonna need you to stay focused

113
00:04:31,574 --> 00:04:32,974
so we can get to that party.

114
00:04:33,008 --> 00:04:35,310
- Yeah. We just need the gift.
- Yeah.

115
00:04:35,344 --> 00:04:36,244
I got the gift.

116
00:04:36,278 --> 00:04:37,345
All right.

117
00:04:39,448 --> 00:04:40,849
Why is it in the box?
It's supposed to be out

118
00:04:40,883 --> 00:04:42,617
of the box, assembled.

119
00:04:42,651 --> 00:04:44,252
I said I would put it together
before the party,

120
00:04:44,286 --> 00:04:45,820
and it's before the party.
So what's the problem?

121
00:04:45,855 --> 00:04:47,288
Just give me

122
00:04:47,323 --> 00:04:48,690
five minutes.

123
00:04:50,426 --> 00:04:53,294
Ten minutes, tops.

124
00:04:53,329 --> 00:04:56,297
But I got this thing.

125
00:04:56,332 --> 00:04:57,832
This is it.

126
00:04:57,867 --> 00:05:00,835
Christmas morning.

127
00:05:00,870 --> 00:05:04,606
Our little guy waiting by the fireplace,

128
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,374
but there's no gift.

129
00:05:06,409 --> 00:05:08,877
'Cause Daddy's in the other room
putting it together.

130
00:05:08,911 --> 00:05:11,346
Did you say "our" kid?

131
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:13,782
Yeah, sometimes I think about
what our kid would be like.

132
00:05:13,816 --> 00:05:15,550
Don't you?

133
00:05:15,584 --> 00:05:17,282
Yeah.

134
00:05:17,286 --> 00:05:18,350
You don't think about the future?

135
00:05:18,450 --> 00:05:20,855
Can we not talk about this
right now? Six hours ago,

136
00:05:20,890 --> 00:05:23,291
I was lapping cognac out
of Winston's hands.

137
00:05:23,325 --> 00:05:25,260
Drink it up, Checkers.
Forget what you saw.

138
00:05:25,294 --> 00:05:28,329
Never talk about anything serious
when you're hungover, Jess.

139
00:05:28,364 --> 00:05:29,964
I don't even really think
about it that much.

140
00:05:29,999 --> 00:05:32,300
I just think about, you know,
passing things. Just...

141
00:05:32,334 --> 00:05:35,537
Nothing specific.
We live in a house by a lake.

142
00:05:35,571 --> 00:05:36,905
- That sounds pretty specific.
- We live in a town

143
00:05:36,939 --> 00:05:38,740
with a sense of history
but not so much history

144
00:05:38,774 --> 00:05:41,042
that the locals are suspicious
of new people.

145
00:05:41,077 --> 00:05:42,877
Two small children

146
00:05:42,912 --> 00:05:46,014
who are so incredibly creative
they named themselves.

147
00:05:46,048 --> 00:05:48,016
We don't need to discipline the
kids 'cause they're so afraid

148
00:05:48,050 --> 00:05:49,551
of disappointing us.

149
00:05:49,585 --> 00:05:51,486
Our house smells like cider.

150
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:52,821
And if there's a horse out back,

151
00:05:52,855 --> 00:05:55,356
you're not gonna get any guff from me.

152
00:05:55,391 --> 00:05:58,760
Anyway, that's where I'm at.

153
00:05:58,794 --> 00:06:00,595
What are you...
what are you thinking?

154
00:06:00,629 --> 00:06:02,363
What, um...

155
00:06:02,398 --> 00:06:04,699
Where do you picture us?

156
00:06:04,734 --> 00:06:07,102
Where do you...
Nick.

157
00:06:07,136 --> 00:06:09,637
Nick.

158
00:06:14,615 --> 00:06:16,583
Mmm, mmm. Oh, God.

159
00:06:16,617 --> 00:06:18,485
I still feel like crap.

160
00:06:18,519 --> 00:06:19,986
Guys, will you, um,
look at this follow-up text

161
00:06:20,021 --> 00:06:21,521
that I'm sending to Buster?

162
00:06:21,556 --> 00:06:23,990
- It's for the little boy?
- Try to be helpful, okay?

163
00:06:24,025 --> 00:06:26,626
- What are we looking at here?
- Are those nursing cats?

164
00:06:26,661 --> 00:06:28,095
Winston said it was funny.

165
00:06:28,129 --> 00:06:29,463
- It's not. It's incoherent.
- No.

166
00:06:29,497 --> 00:06:31,264
It's borderline pornographic.

167
00:06:31,299 --> 00:06:33,433
Wait, those are not cats.
That's a human man!

168
00:06:33,468 --> 00:06:35,168
What is he suck...
What is he sucking on?

169
00:06:35,203 --> 00:06:38,105
- What Web sites are you going to?
- What are you guys doing out here?

170
00:06:38,139 --> 00:06:39,840
Obviously we're creating
an accidental bump-in

171
00:06:39,874 --> 00:06:42,175
with our hot new neighbors.
Elevator's on the move.

172
00:06:42,210 --> 00:06:44,044
You got to go. You're too hot.
You'll confuse them.

173
00:06:46,581 --> 00:06:48,548
Yes, well, of course.
It's my garden party,

174
00:06:48,583 --> 00:06:50,784
and Zachary Quinto is not on the list.

175
00:06:50,818 --> 00:06:53,153
Um, you sure
you can handle that, Winston?

176
00:06:53,187 --> 00:06:54,821
- I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Ooh. Are you sure?

177
00:06:54,856 --> 00:06:56,189
I'm fine. I'm fine.

178
00:06:56,224 --> 00:06:58,458
To the right a little bit.
Up right.

179
00:06:58,493 --> 00:07:00,394
- Son of a bitch.
- Okay. Thank you so much.

180
00:07:00,428 --> 00:07:03,397
We'll get you some nice cold
lemonade after this, okay?

181
00:07:03,431 --> 00:07:04,431
Ooh, be careful.

182
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:06,366
Oh! Good Lord.

183
00:07:06,401 --> 00:07:08,402
You know what, we don't have
to talk about the future.

184
00:07:08,436 --> 00:07:11,038
- Let's just put this toy together.
- I want to talk about the future.

185
00:07:11,072 --> 00:07:13,407
- Okay. Great. All right.
- I would love to talk about it. Yes, great.

186
00:07:13,441 --> 00:07:15,809
I always thought it would be
cool to be a long-haul trucker.

187
00:07:15,843 --> 00:07:18,245
You want to be a long-haul
trucker with a family?

188
00:07:18,279 --> 00:07:21,081
No, the family would be
in Montana. Or-or Mars Landing,

189
00:07:21,115 --> 00:07:23,283
you know, if the government
finally steps up.

190
00:07:23,317 --> 00:07:25,719
Where is Mars Landing?

191
00:07:25,753 --> 00:07:27,421
Where is Mars Landing?
It's on M... It's on Mars.

192
00:07:27,455 --> 00:07:29,656
It's the American capital of Mars.

193
00:07:29,691 --> 00:07:32,225
And if you don't think
there's gonna be space travel

194
00:07:32,260 --> 00:07:34,161
in the next 20 years,
then you've got your head

195
00:07:34,195 --> 00:07:36,029
buried in sand, girlie.

196
00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:37,764
It's already basically happening.

197
00:07:37,799 --> 00:07:39,866
I always thought
I'd move back to Portland.

198
00:07:39,901 --> 00:07:41,335
Oh. Portland, Earth?

199
00:07:41,369 --> 00:07:43,070
It's like friendly San Francisco.

200
00:07:43,104 --> 00:07:45,205
Slow food, fast bicycles,

201
00:07:45,239 --> 00:07:46,440
great schools...

202
00:07:46,474 --> 00:07:47,841
Education is very important to me.

203
00:07:47,875 --> 00:07:49,076
That makes me happy.

204
00:07:49,110 --> 00:07:50,410
It's something we agree on.

205
00:07:50,445 --> 00:07:53,013
- I really want my kids to beg for it.
- What?

206
00:07:53,047 --> 00:07:54,514
'Cause if you force a kid into
school, he's gonna hate it.

207
00:07:54,549 --> 00:07:55,315
Oh, no.

208
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:56,750
If you make a kid work

209
00:07:56,784 --> 00:07:58,618
and sit in the yard and grind and grind

210
00:07:58,653 --> 00:07:59,453
- and grind...
- What?

211
00:07:59,487 --> 00:08:02,122
Eventually, that little kid
is gonna beg for education.

212
00:08:02,156 --> 00:08:03,390
Then you hand it to them

213
00:08:03,424 --> 00:08:05,559
- like the gift that it should be.
- No!

214
00:08:05,593 --> 00:08:07,094
That's why public school's a joke.

215
00:08:07,128 --> 00:08:08,628
I'm so hungover

216
00:08:08,663 --> 00:08:10,364
and my body's shutting down

217
00:08:10,398 --> 00:08:13,233
and nothing you're saying
makes any sense.

218
00:08:13,267 --> 00:08:14,234
There is something serious
I have to tell you

219
00:08:14,268 --> 00:08:15,335
about the future.

220
00:08:16,404 --> 00:08:19,106
The name of my firstborn child

221
00:08:19,140 --> 00:08:21,141
has to be Reginald VelJohnson.

222
00:08:21,175 --> 00:08:22,743
I lost a bet to Schmidt.

223
00:08:22,777 --> 00:08:24,244
Reginald VelJohnson?

224
00:08:24,278 --> 00:08:26,446
That is non-negotiable.
Unfortunately.

225
00:08:26,481 --> 00:08:27,981
The dad from Family Matters?

226
00:08:28,016 --> 00:08:29,316
Well, the actor who plays the dad.

227
00:08:29,350 --> 00:08:30,584
The dad is Carl Winslow.

228
00:08:30,618 --> 00:08:31,985
What was the bet on?

229
00:08:32,020 --> 00:08:33,420
I said I could flip a big pancake...

230
00:08:33,454 --> 00:08:35,122
...and I couldn't.

231
00:08:38,126 --> 00:08:40,260
How is this going to work?!

232
00:08:40,294 --> 00:08:41,695
The only upside is

233
00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:45,098
the original name was gonna be Ass Baby,

234
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:47,801
and I kind of talked my way
out of that one.

235
00:08:47,835 --> 00:08:49,670
All of the guys in this building
are so sweet.

236
00:08:49,704 --> 00:08:50,971
- It's no problem, yeah.
- Couldn't be easier, really.

237
00:08:51,005 --> 00:08:52,339
Just a p...
piece of cake.

238
00:08:52,373 --> 00:08:54,775
We love it.

239
00:08:54,809 --> 00:08:55,923
You know, it was my idea to help move.

240
00:08:56,083 --> 00:08:58,145
The only reason we're doing this
is because you forced us to.

241
00:08:58,179 --> 00:08:59,446
If we don't help now, we'll look bad.

242
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:00,947
Yeah, now they're gonna think of us

243
00:09:00,982 --> 00:09:02,783
as "nice" and "helpful."
Nightmare.

244
00:09:03,618 --> 00:09:04,451
Hey.

245
00:09:04,485 --> 00:09:05,519
Hey.

246
00:09:05,553 --> 00:09:06,486
Oh, cool!

247
00:09:06,521 --> 00:09:08,388
Uh... your brother?

248
00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:09,489
Actually, it's my boyfriend.

249
00:09:09,524 --> 00:09:12,459
Yet he's not here to help you move.

250
00:09:12,493 --> 00:09:14,328
- He's out of the country.
- Oh!

251
00:09:14,362 --> 00:09:15,796
Afghanistan.
Second tour.

252
00:09:15,830 --> 00:09:17,364
- Ah...
- Oh...

253
00:09:17,398 --> 00:09:18,532
Please thank him for,

254
00:09:18,566 --> 00:09:20,033
- uh, for his service.
- Yeah.

255
00:09:20,068 --> 00:09:21,668
Are you and your boyfriend

256
00:09:21,703 --> 00:09:23,704
and Michelle and her boyfriend
gonna go on a, like,

257
00:09:23,738 --> 00:09:25,038
double date kind of thing

258
00:09:25,073 --> 00:09:26,440
whenever he gets back from Afghanistan?

259
00:09:26,474 --> 00:09:27,941
She doesn't have a boyfriend.

260
00:09:27,976 --> 00:09:29,676
She's not really the relationship type.

261
00:09:29,711 --> 00:09:30,811
- Oh.
- Okay.

262
00:09:30,845 --> 00:09:32,512
I'm just having fun right now.

263
00:09:32,547 --> 00:09:34,414
I feel you. No, I feel you.

264
00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:35,949
Girl, I want to feel you...

265
00:09:35,984 --> 00:09:37,184
And then there was one.

266
00:09:37,218 --> 00:09:39,052
May the best man win.

267
00:09:39,087 --> 00:09:40,320
- I am also involved in this.
- Winston, get out of here.

268
00:09:40,355 --> 00:09:41,888
What is your problem?

269
00:09:41,923 --> 00:09:43,523
And then there were three guys...

270
00:09:43,558 --> 00:09:44,891
Here's what I'm saying:

271
00:09:44,926 --> 00:09:48,895
Reginald is way too shy
to beg for an education.

272
00:09:48,930 --> 00:09:51,331
He's very sensitive,
and when he's out on the horse,

273
00:09:51,366 --> 00:09:53,033
all he's doing is staring at leaves

274
00:09:53,067 --> 00:09:54,468
and writing poems about them.

275
00:09:54,502 --> 00:09:56,169
Why do I have a horse?
You know how many

276
00:09:56,204 --> 00:09:58,038
people are killed on a horse every year?

277
00:09:58,072 --> 00:09:59,906
Hey! You're not listening
to what I'm saying.

278
00:09:59,941 --> 00:10:01,541
What I'm saying is,

279
00:10:01,576 --> 00:10:05,078
I'm not gonna take Reginald
out on the damn lake

280
00:10:05,113 --> 00:10:07,547
when you're out on your space truck...

281
00:10:07,582 --> 00:10:09,483
We're not living by the lake.

282
00:10:09,517 --> 00:10:11,151
Why would I spend my hard-earned

283
00:10:11,185 --> 00:10:12,853
truck driver money on an Earth house?

284
00:10:12,887 --> 00:10:14,655
- You make up so much science fiction...
- Science...

285
00:10:14,689 --> 00:10:16,890
...but you know
nothing about science.

286
00:10:16,925 --> 00:10:18,392
- Do you know what science is?
- Okay, science is more of a belief

287
00:10:18,426 --> 00:10:20,494
- than anything else.
- No. Do you know what science is?

288
00:10:20,528 --> 00:10:22,095
- Yes. What you believe in.
- Have you ever taken a science class?

289
00:10:22,130 --> 00:10:23,697
I've taught two at a community college.

290
00:10:23,731 --> 00:10:26,099
When did you teach science
at a community college?

291
00:10:26,134 --> 00:10:28,368
I made that up. I didn't think
you were gonna fact-check me.

292
00:10:28,403 --> 00:10:29,703
My kids are not gonna

293
00:10:29,737 --> 00:10:31,271
beg for an education, okay?

294
00:10:31,306 --> 00:10:32,773
They're gonna be forced to go to school

295
00:10:32,807 --> 00:10:34,207
just like everybody else

296
00:10:34,242 --> 00:10:35,842
and they're gonna hate it!

297
00:10:35,877 --> 00:10:38,278
Can I actually be very real
with you for a second?

298
00:10:38,313 --> 00:10:39,947
- Yes.
- Here's what I really believe:

299
00:10:39,981 --> 00:10:43,016
You can create a plan for your life,

300
00:10:43,051 --> 00:10:45,585
and then crazy things get thrown at you,

301
00:10:45,620 --> 00:10:48,488
and that, by the way,
is the closest thing

302
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:50,290
that I have to a plan.

303
00:10:50,325 --> 00:10:52,225
So maybe it's crazy to talk about being

304
00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:54,094
an intergalactic truck driver.

305
00:10:54,128 --> 00:10:55,329
But what I think is crazier

306
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:56,897
is trying to plan

307
00:10:56,931 --> 00:10:58,599
every single detail of our future.

308
00:10:58,633 --> 00:11:00,801
I think it's crazy not to.
I just can't

309
00:11:00,835 --> 00:11:02,803
- live that way.
- I guess we just disagree.

310
00:11:02,837 --> 00:11:05,205
Well, we never agree
on anything, ever, Nick.

311
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,373
Why are we doing this
right now, Jess? We're hungover.

312
00:11:07,525 --> 00:11:10,077
Just because I want to know
we're going in the same direction,

313
00:11:10,111 --> 00:11:11,578
- that we're on the same page.
- Yes, we are.

314
00:11:11,613 --> 00:11:13,947
Well, we live on different planets!

315
00:11:13,982 --> 00:11:15,849
Oh... You're talking
about the fake future!

316
00:11:18,853 --> 00:11:20,187
I just...

317
00:11:21,289 --> 00:11:23,090
I guess we want different things.

318
00:11:23,124 --> 00:11:24,258
Clearly, we do.

319
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:25,292
- Clearly, we do.
- All right,

320
00:11:25,326 --> 00:11:26,293
so what are you saying?

321
00:11:26,327 --> 00:11:27,327
Should we just break up?

322
00:11:41,323 --> 00:11:42,557
Yeah, right.
Like we're just

323
00:11:42,591 --> 00:11:44,025
- gonna break up!
- Just break up!

324
00:11:44,059 --> 00:11:45,226
Over what?

325
00:11:45,260 --> 00:11:46,794
You don't like lakes,

326
00:11:46,829 --> 00:11:47,962
I don't like space.
That's okay!

327
00:11:47,996 --> 00:11:49,597
This is not why people break up!

328
00:11:49,631 --> 00:11:51,599
I break up with thee, sir!

329
00:11:51,633 --> 00:11:52,834
I break up...

330
00:11:52,868 --> 00:11:54,001
I don't do voices.

331
00:11:54,036 --> 00:11:55,837
I think I'm still drunk.

332
00:11:55,871 --> 00:11:57,004
Let's just get to the party.

333
00:11:57,039 --> 00:11:58,239
- Build this toy and go.
- Yeah.

334
00:11:58,273 --> 00:11:59,474
Let's do it.
We are

335
00:11:59,508 --> 00:12:00,775
an unstoppable toy-building team!

336
00:12:00,809 --> 00:12:02,376
Yes, we are.

337
00:12:02,411 --> 00:12:04,011
Yeah.

338
00:12:04,046 --> 00:12:05,313
All right, well, first hurdle:

339
00:12:05,347 --> 00:12:06,781
The instructions
are written upside-down.

340
00:12:06,815 --> 00:12:09,283
Ah, it's a false alarm.

341
00:12:09,318 --> 00:12:10,785
Okay, hit me.
What do you got?

342
00:12:10,819 --> 00:12:12,520
Okay, take the thing

343
00:12:12,554 --> 00:12:14,355
- that looks like a meth lab
- This thing?

344
00:12:14,390 --> 00:12:15,790
...and put it in the thing

345
00:12:15,824 --> 00:12:17,024
that looks like a pipe bomb.

346
00:12:17,059 --> 00:12:18,960
- Oh, hey!
- Hey!

347
00:12:18,994 --> 00:12:20,962
Now we're cooking with gas.

348
00:12:20,996 --> 00:12:22,630
- We're a good team.
- I agree.

349
00:12:22,664 --> 00:12:23,631
You know what, Jess...
and if you want to move

350
00:12:23,665 --> 00:12:24,899
to Portland in the future,

351
00:12:24,933 --> 00:12:26,234
then we're gonna move to Portland.

352
00:12:26,268 --> 00:12:27,702
You know, we'll live by the lake.

353
00:12:27,736 --> 00:12:29,037
I'll learn to fish,

354
00:12:29,071 --> 00:12:30,138
and me and Reginald will start

355
00:12:30,172 --> 00:12:32,073
a newsletter, you know...

356
00:12:32,107 --> 00:12:33,541
"Lake Father, Lake Son."

357
00:12:33,575 --> 00:12:34,809
And you know what?

358
00:12:34,843 --> 00:12:36,210
If you want to be
a long-haul trucker,

359
00:12:36,245 --> 00:12:38,079
I can deal with that
for six months, tops.

360
00:12:38,113 --> 00:12:39,847
- Yes!
- Um, this piece is a little sticky,

361
00:12:39,882 --> 00:12:41,649
- but I think I can just jam it.
- Ah!

362
00:12:41,683 --> 00:12:43,418
- What did you just do, Jess?
- Oh. Well, I put

363
00:12:43,452 --> 00:12:45,219
the swastika in the guillotine.

364
00:12:45,254 --> 00:12:47,221
How is this a children's toy?

365
00:12:47,256 --> 00:12:49,590
Why is it so brittle?

366
00:12:49,625 --> 00:12:50,992
What is that?

367
00:12:51,026 --> 00:12:52,860
I'm not sure what I've been doing.

368
00:12:52,895 --> 00:12:54,529
Hey, Michelle.

369
00:12:54,563 --> 00:12:55,763
Hey.

370
00:12:55,798 --> 00:12:57,832
You guys are lifesavers.

371
00:12:57,866 --> 00:12:59,067
You have beautiful taste, by the way.

372
00:12:59,101 --> 00:13:00,334
Really. Is this early Californian?

373
00:13:00,369 --> 00:13:02,070
You know, this color, actually,

374
00:13:02,104 --> 00:13:03,538
it symbolizes a woman's fertility.

375
00:13:03,572 --> 00:13:05,907
Huh. I was pregnant once.

376
00:13:05,941 --> 00:13:07,542
Cool.

377
00:13:07,576 --> 00:13:08,843
- What-what do you know?
- Yeah.

378
00:13:08,877 --> 00:13:09,911
- Thank you, guys.
- No, thank you.

379
00:13:09,945 --> 00:13:11,512
- So much.
- You bet.

380
00:13:11,547 --> 00:13:13,781
- All right. Talk to you la...
- You see her blink at me?

381
00:13:13,816 --> 00:13:14,782
Wait, you think that was a sex blink?

382
00:13:14,817 --> 00:13:16,017
That wasn't a sex blink.

383
00:13:16,051 --> 00:13:17,352
That was definitely a sex blink, dude.

384
00:13:17,386 --> 00:13:19,287
You would not know a sex blink
if it blinked you in the sex.

385
00:13:19,321 --> 00:13:21,022
- What?
- It's over already, man.

386
00:13:21,056 --> 00:13:22,523
You don't have a shot.

387
00:13:22,558 --> 00:13:25,193
'Cause the chicks you pull are gremlins.

388
00:13:25,227 --> 00:13:26,761
You did not just talk about my chicks.

389
00:13:26,795 --> 00:13:28,262
My chicks look great.

390
00:13:28,297 --> 00:13:30,164
Just like me.

391
00:13:30,199 --> 00:13:31,866
I'm saying my chicks

392
00:13:31,900 --> 00:13:33,735
literally look just like me.
All of 'em.

393
00:13:33,769 --> 00:13:34,969
In varying color,

394
00:13:35,004 --> 00:13:36,237
but they look like me.

395
00:13:36,271 --> 00:13:37,505
That is super awkward,

396
00:13:37,539 --> 00:13:39,040
and I don't feel like you know what

397
00:13:39,074 --> 00:13:41,042
- you're saying right now.
- Whoops!

398
00:13:41,076 --> 00:13:42,543
Oh...
Coach!

399
00:13:42,578 --> 00:13:43,778
Oh, man, I can't believe

400
00:13:43,812 --> 00:13:45,113
you just did that to her vase.

401
00:13:46,081 --> 00:13:47,815
Whoa! Dude!

402
00:13:47,850 --> 00:13:49,083
I will knock you out where you stand,

403
00:13:49,118 --> 00:13:50,284
and you...
in the ground.

404
00:13:50,319 --> 00:13:51,786
I will pound you from the side!

405
00:13:51,820 --> 00:13:53,488
I will pound you from the back!
That sounded weird.

406
00:13:53,522 --> 00:13:55,123
Once again, Schmidt has found himself

407
00:13:55,157 --> 00:13:57,225
in a position where he is infuriated!

408
00:13:57,259 --> 00:13:58,626
I will fight your face!

409
00:13:58,661 --> 00:14:00,461
I will freak out so hard

410
00:14:00,496 --> 00:14:02,063
on you right now, you don't
even know, on your face.

411
00:14:02,097 --> 00:14:03,264
What are you two...

412
00:14:03,298 --> 00:14:04,999
Oh, my goodness. Guys!

413
00:14:05,034 --> 00:14:07,435
Her study-abroad mirror?

414
00:14:07,469 --> 00:14:08,903
Her dream vase?

415
00:14:08,937 --> 00:14:10,338
Come on, guys.

416
00:14:12,007 --> 00:14:13,908
Have some self-respect.

417
00:14:13,942 --> 00:14:15,677
We're...

418
00:14:15,711 --> 00:14:17,145
Hey, Jess?

419
00:14:17,179 --> 00:14:18,813
I don't think that belongs there.

420
00:14:18,847 --> 00:14:20,648
That's why it doesn't fit in.

421
00:14:20,683 --> 00:14:23,484
Well, I don't think this
water bottle goes here, either.

422
00:14:23,519 --> 00:14:24,952
But you put it there.

423
00:14:24,987 --> 00:14:26,587
Well, why did we take
the toy out of the box?

424
00:14:26,622 --> 00:14:28,189
We could have just given
the box to the kid.

425
00:14:28,223 --> 00:14:30,191
What does he know?
He's one.

426
00:14:30,225 --> 00:14:31,846
He eats pennies.
And he poos in his pants.

427
00:14:31,946 --> 00:14:34,192
Because not putting
the toy together is lazy.

428
00:14:34,227 --> 00:14:36,664
- So, if we can't put the toy together...
- I-I know, but it's not gonna fit.

429
00:14:36,699 --> 00:14:37,693
You can't just keep
pushing it because it...

430
00:14:37,863 --> 00:14:39,128
Oh, God.

431
00:14:39,163 --> 00:14:41,769
- Okay, where's the tape?
- Oh, we used all the tape.

432
00:14:41,804 --> 00:14:44,305
- Oh, you used all the tape.
- Yeah, to fix the things that you broke.

433
00:14:44,340 --> 00:14:46,674
- You used a lot of duct tape.
- Actually you broke a lot of pieces.

434
00:14:48,077 --> 00:14:49,877
All right, give it to me.
I'm gonna use a lighter.

435
00:14:49,912 --> 00:14:52,480
And I'm gonna melt the plastic.
I'm gonna weld it together.

436
00:14:52,514 --> 00:14:53,881
What? You don't think
that's a good idea?

437
00:14:53,916 --> 00:14:56,351
No, you should, I think
you should try it.

438
00:14:56,385 --> 00:14:58,553
I also like doing Zippo tricks.

439
00:15:02,391 --> 00:15:05,170
- Ow! Aah, I burned my finger!
- What happened?! Are you okay?

440
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:07,128
Yeah, it's fine.
My skin's a little bubbly.

441
00:15:07,162 --> 00:15:08,796
Well, I knew that was a bad idea.

442
00:15:08,831 --> 00:15:09,797
Then why didn't you say anything?

443
00:15:09,832 --> 00:15:11,132
Why didn't you put the toy together

444
00:15:11,166 --> 00:15:13,468
when I gave it to you two weeks ago?

445
00:15:13,502 --> 00:15:15,036
Because I'm not Santa Claus!

446
00:15:15,070 --> 00:15:16,871
I don't just put toys together

447
00:15:16,905 --> 00:15:18,840
two weeks in advance!
And also,

448
00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:21,643
it's none of my business what
they want to do with the toy.

449
00:15:21,677 --> 00:15:23,011
Maybe they want to return it.

450
00:15:23,045 --> 00:15:24,145
Maybe they want to put it

451
00:15:24,179 --> 00:15:25,413
together as a family.

452
00:15:25,447 --> 00:15:28,082
That is not my business.

453
00:15:28,117 --> 00:15:29,784
What do you want from me, Jess?

454
00:15:29,818 --> 00:15:31,653
I just want you to take
a little more responsibility.

455
00:15:31,687 --> 00:15:32,987
Just a little bit more.

456
00:15:33,022 --> 00:15:34,822
And I want you to have
a little faith in me!

457
00:15:34,857 --> 00:15:37,158
I've gotten this far in my life.

458
00:15:37,192 --> 00:15:38,693
And I'm doing just fine.

459
00:15:40,262 --> 00:15:41,896
I mean, for the most part.

460
00:15:41,930 --> 00:15:43,197
There's definitely a few
blunders here and there

461
00:15:43,232 --> 00:15:44,999
that we could look past.

462
00:15:45,034 --> 00:15:46,100
Whatever...

463
00:15:46,135 --> 00:15:47,869
The blanket's on fire!

464
00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:49,771
I can see that, Jess.
Go get a bucket.

465
00:15:49,805 --> 00:15:50,872
Where is it? In the kitchen?

466
00:15:50,906 --> 00:15:51,873
No, that's for meat.

467
00:15:51,907 --> 00:15:53,007
We need a different bucket.

468
00:15:53,042 --> 00:15:54,008
Oh, right!

469
00:15:54,043 --> 00:15:55,276
The famous meat bucket!

470
00:15:55,311 --> 00:15:57,011
You said the meat bucket
was a brilliant idea!

471
00:15:57,046 --> 00:15:58,346
Why would I think an unrefrigerated

472
00:15:58,380 --> 00:16:01,449
bucket of meat was a good idea?!

473
00:16:01,483 --> 00:16:04,852
To taste what meat tasted like
before electricity!

474
00:16:04,887 --> 00:16:06,354
Why would you want that?!

475
00:16:06,388 --> 00:16:07,755
Why did you say it was brilliant!?

476
00:16:07,790 --> 00:16:09,791
Because, Nick...

477
00:16:09,825 --> 00:16:12,660
if I was always honest with you...

478
00:16:13,796 --> 00:16:16,631
then we would never stop fighting.

479
00:16:19,602 --> 00:16:20,868
- Let's go!
- We have to go!

480
00:16:20,903 --> 00:16:22,370
Wait, my hat!

481
00:16:22,404 --> 00:16:24,906
What?
My hat.

482
00:16:28,453 --> 00:16:30,020
So sorry. I'm sorry.
So sorry. Sorry.

483
00:16:30,054 --> 00:16:31,788
It was uncool.

484
00:16:31,823 --> 00:16:33,023
I'm so sorry!
Do you need...?

485
00:16:33,057 --> 00:16:34,524
Here, do you want...? Oh.

486
00:16:34,559 --> 00:16:36,927
- How did this happen?
- It was Winston's fault.

487
00:16:36,961 --> 00:16:38,095
He just ca... he carries
things wrong.

488
00:16:38,129 --> 00:16:40,030
What?!

489
00:16:40,064 --> 00:16:42,766
I have heard just
about enough from you two.

490
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:43,800
What? Ow!

491
00:16:43,835 --> 00:16:45,469
Winston!

492
00:16:45,503 --> 00:16:47,871
Girls, I know you're both smart enough

493
00:16:47,905 --> 00:16:49,573
to know exactly who broke your things.

494
00:16:49,607 --> 00:16:50,907
It's the same two clowns

495
00:16:50,942 --> 00:16:52,376
who've been trying to sex Michelle

496
00:16:52,410 --> 00:16:54,311
every which way from Tuesday.

497
00:16:54,345 --> 00:16:55,679
I mean, I ain't gonna lie.
I've been trying

498
00:16:55,713 --> 00:16:57,981
to sex you every which way
from Tuesday myself.

499
00:16:58,016 --> 00:16:59,216
I'd be crazy not to, Michelle.

500
00:16:59,250 --> 00:17:01,151
You're a very beautiful woman.

501
00:17:01,185 --> 00:17:02,786
You have crazy witch eyes, and I dig it.

502
00:17:02,820 --> 00:17:05,088
You're like a witch!
You know.

503
00:17:05,123 --> 00:17:06,857
But I'm a good guy.

504
00:17:09,027 --> 00:17:10,460
Now, if you'll excuse me,

505
00:17:10,495 --> 00:17:12,062
I have a job to do.

506
00:17:12,096 --> 00:17:14,464
My name is Winston Bishop.

507
00:17:14,499 --> 00:17:16,466
Welcome to the building.

508
00:17:16,501 --> 00:17:18,935
Whoa, Winston, I would
not... that's a...

509
00:17:18,970 --> 00:17:19,770
- Winston, what are you doing?
- That's a big...

510
00:17:21,005 --> 00:17:22,839
- Okay.
- Aah!

511
00:17:22,874 --> 00:17:25,676
- Oh! Whoa!
- Son of a...

512
00:17:25,710 --> 00:17:27,411
Winston, you do know that the
building's on fire, right?

513
00:17:27,445 --> 00:17:29,680
I got this! Move, move!

514
00:17:29,714 --> 00:17:30,947
Cece, hey.

515
00:17:30,982 --> 00:17:32,449
Oh, hey, um,

516
00:17:32,483 --> 00:17:34,117
I didn't think you would
pick up the phone.

517
00:17:34,152 --> 00:17:35,652
I'll-I'll make this quick.

518
00:17:35,687 --> 00:17:37,087
'Cause I'm sure you hate
talking on the phone.

519
00:17:37,121 --> 00:17:38,855
Oh, I actually do.

520
00:17:38,890 --> 00:17:40,457
'Cause I'd much rather,

521
00:17:40,491 --> 00:17:42,092
um, talk in person.

522
00:17:42,126 --> 00:17:44,027
You know? Face to face?

523
00:17:44,062 --> 00:17:46,496
What are you doing here?

524
00:17:46,531 --> 00:17:49,199
I just, I was, uh, walking
over here to see you.

525
00:17:49,233 --> 00:17:52,169
- Mm-hmm.
- And then you called me.

526
00:17:52,203 --> 00:17:54,538
Didn't all those texts
really freak you out?

527
00:17:54,572 --> 00:17:56,006
Oh, no, no, no, no.
They freaked me out.

528
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,607
I thought you were gonna murder me.

529
00:17:57,642 --> 00:18:00,477
You know, I called my mother,
changed my locks.

530
00:18:00,511 --> 00:18:02,479
Then I kind of, you know,
had a change of heart,

531
00:18:02,513 --> 00:18:04,481
and I thought, "Well, you
know, I like this girl."

532
00:18:04,515 --> 00:18:06,116
I'd much rather just come

533
00:18:06,150 --> 00:18:07,617
and look at you with my eyes.

534
00:18:07,652 --> 00:18:08,952
And talk to you with my face.

535
00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:11,621
If you ever got off the damn phone.

536
00:18:13,358 --> 00:18:15,025
- Yeah.
- Right?

537
00:18:15,059 --> 00:18:17,060
- I, mm-hmm. I understand.
- Hi, Cece. How are you?

538
00:18:17,095 --> 00:18:18,595
- Hungover?
- Yes.

539
00:18:18,629 --> 00:18:20,697
Would you like to come
and get some pancakes?

540
00:18:20,732 --> 00:18:21,865
Yeah, I could, I could
use some pancakes.

541
00:18:21,899 --> 00:18:22,866
It's gonna be a bouncy ride.

542
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:23,900
My kangaroo's around the corner.

543
00:18:25,169 --> 00:18:27,237
But I did bring an extra
helmet. You're lucky.

544
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,541
All right.

545
00:18:33,077 --> 00:18:35,212
Nick, why is this so hard?

546
00:18:35,246 --> 00:18:37,481
I don't want to fight all the time.

547
00:18:37,515 --> 00:18:39,916
I don't know, and it's awful.

548
00:18:41,686 --> 00:18:44,321
Do you ever miss when
we were just friends, Jess?

549
00:18:44,355 --> 00:18:46,223
And there wasn't this pressure

550
00:18:46,257 --> 00:18:47,224
to be together and to be...

551
00:18:47,258 --> 00:18:48,592
- Be different people?
- Yes.

552
00:18:48,626 --> 00:18:50,994
Be different people.

553
00:18:51,029 --> 00:18:52,529
I'm sorry, but I'm not
that guy who's gonna

554
00:18:52,563 --> 00:18:54,698
put the toy together.
That's just not me.

555
00:18:54,732 --> 00:18:56,300
I'm the kind of guy who's
gonna leave it in the box.

556
00:18:56,334 --> 00:18:57,567
I don't want you to be that guy.

557
00:18:57,602 --> 00:18:59,102
I-I want you to be yourself.

558
00:18:59,137 --> 00:19:01,104
I want you to be yourself.

559
00:19:02,940 --> 00:19:05,676
Are we...?

560
00:19:05,710 --> 00:19:08,111
No! I love you!

561
00:19:08,146 --> 00:19:10,447
- Well, I love you, too.
- More than I've ever loved anybody.

562
00:19:10,481 --> 00:19:12,949
But what if that's the only thing
we have in common?

563
00:19:25,897 --> 00:19:29,066
I miss my friend.

564
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:31,234
I really miss my friend, too.

565
00:19:33,404 --> 00:19:35,906
So, what does that mean?

566
00:19:35,940 --> 00:19:37,841
Are we...?

567
00:19:37,875 --> 00:19:40,143
Yeah.

568
00:19:58,596 --> 00:20:00,831
Earn this.

569
00:20:00,865 --> 00:20:02,599
Was that Saving Private Ryan?

570
00:20:02,634 --> 00:20:05,235
It was. It was a hu-huge moment
in that movie.

571
00:20:05,269 --> 00:20:07,437
And I just, I know this is a moment.

572
00:20:09,641 --> 00:20:12,676
So, um, I'll walk you
to your room then, I guess.

573
00:20:58,556 --> 00:21:00,724
- Schmidt is living in my room.
- Schmidt's in your room, yeah.

574
00:21:00,758 --> 00:21:01,725
Yeah.

575
00:21:01,759 --> 00:21:03,827
Do you think I could...?

576
00:21:03,861 --> 00:21:05,662
- Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's cool.

577
00:21:13,705 --> 00:21:15,839
Jess?

578
00:21:15,873 --> 00:21:18,542
Jess, you didn't have to run away.

579
00:21:18,576 --> 00:21:20,377
I don't know what you're so afraid of.

580
00:21:20,411 --> 00:21:23,480
It's just a man doing full
downward facing dog in the nude.

581
00:21:23,514 --> 00:21:27,050
It's a couple of testicles
just hanging upside down.

582
00:21:28,853 --> 00:21:31,521
I can hear you laughing in there.

583
00:21:31,556 --> 00:21:34,127
Yeah, you liked it.

584
00:21:34,469 --> 00:21:35,519
You telling Nick about it?

585
00:21:37,101 --> 00:21:38,123
What's he saying?

586
00:21:38,301 --> 00:21:41,526
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