1 00:00:17,756 --> 00:00:19,256 Jess: Hey, look who it is. 2 00:00:19,258 --> 00:00:21,325 It's schmidt. And, um... 3 00:00:21,327 --> 00:00:22,759 This is barb. Barb is leaving. 4 00:00:22,761 --> 00:00:23,961 Oh, barb. Like the elephant. 5 00:00:23,963 --> 00:00:26,230 That's babar, you dum-dum. 6 00:00:26,232 --> 00:00:29,233 Barbara. A little potassium pick-me-up? 7 00:00:29,235 --> 00:00:30,334 Since i know sleeping wasn't 8 00:00:30,336 --> 00:00:31,969 The main activity of the night. 9 00:00:31,971 --> 00:00:34,404 Thin walls. Just kidding. They're very thick. 10 00:00:34,406 --> 00:00:36,673 You're just so loud! (chuckles) 11 00:00:36,675 --> 00:00:39,409 You have a lot of roommates. So many of 'em. That's great. 12 00:00:39,411 --> 00:00:40,777 Bye, barb. Bye, barb. 13 00:00:40,779 --> 00:00:42,012 Bye, schmidt. (door shuts) 14 00:00:42,014 --> 00:00:43,847 That was the third piece of nanny 15 00:00:43,849 --> 00:00:46,083 This week, am i right? Sure is. 16 00:00:46,085 --> 00:00:48,185 Little shop talk from someone who's also out there 17 00:00:48,187 --> 00:00:50,621 Trying to crush butt herself. 18 00:00:50,623 --> 00:00:51,955 Um, where are you meeting all 19 00:00:51,957 --> 00:00:54,658 These eligible singles, these, uh, elly-sings? 20 00:00:54,660 --> 00:00:56,193 Dice. Hmm? 21 00:00:56,195 --> 00:00:58,328 It's kind of like tinder. Dice and tinder. 22 00:00:58,330 --> 00:00:59,796 I've been to those bars. They're downtown, right? 23 00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:01,865 (groans) dice is a dating app. 24 00:01:01,867 --> 00:01:03,634 Dating app. It's not for you. 25 00:01:03,636 --> 00:01:05,836 What? Schmidty. 26 00:01:05,838 --> 00:01:07,938 Come on. I've internet dated before. 27 00:01:07,940 --> 00:01:11,175 You send an e-mail, you get excited, you wait, you get an e-mail back. 28 00:01:11,177 --> 00:01:13,644 You are just describing e-mailing. Come on. 29 00:01:13,646 --> 00:01:16,180 You're gonna get eaten alive on dice. Do you want to see... Come on, now. 30 00:01:16,182 --> 00:01:18,849 Do you want to see... This is dice. Come here. 31 00:01:18,851 --> 00:01:20,817 It's all about split-second decisions, okay? 32 00:01:20,819 --> 00:01:22,352 You see a picture, you swipe down for yes, 33 00:01:22,354 --> 00:01:23,854 You swipe up for no. Jess: You're so fast. 34 00:01:23,856 --> 00:01:24,988 Instinct. That's what it's about. 35 00:01:24,990 --> 00:01:26,823 Which you don't have. 36 00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:30,227 Now, i'm gonna go do a deep-ass mouthwash. 37 00:01:30,229 --> 00:01:32,229 Don't go on dice, jess. 38 00:01:32,231 --> 00:01:33,797 I won't. 39 00:01:36,302 --> 00:01:39,536 Okay, now. 40 00:01:39,538 --> 00:01:41,905 New account. 41 00:01:41,907 --> 00:01:45,342 I am... Darn tootin' fun. 42 00:01:45,344 --> 00:01:47,344 Dtf. 43 00:01:47,346 --> 00:01:50,013 Seeks same. 44 00:01:50,015 --> 00:01:52,482 I'm dicing. 45 00:01:52,484 --> 00:01:54,718 ♪ who's that girl? ♪ 46 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:57,154 ♪ who's that girl? ♪ ♪ it's jess. ♪ 47 00:02:01,694 --> 00:02:03,260 Winston: You know, i'm really enjoying the police academy, 48 00:02:03,262 --> 00:02:05,229 But, believe it or not, 49 00:02:05,231 --> 00:02:07,397 I am not clicking socially with the other cadets. 50 00:02:07,399 --> 00:02:08,532 What? Weird. Oh, my god. 51 00:02:08,534 --> 00:02:10,367 No. That's crazy. 52 00:02:10,369 --> 00:02:12,269 That is super shocking news. I can't wrap my head around that. 53 00:02:12,271 --> 00:02:14,171 That just doesn't add up. Everyone's got a nickname but me. 54 00:02:14,173 --> 00:02:17,007 Yo, swoops! What up, gunner? (chuckles) 55 00:02:17,009 --> 00:02:19,076 Hey, winston bishop. 56 00:02:19,078 --> 00:02:20,410 Why don't you just go ask them 57 00:02:20,412 --> 00:02:21,878 If you can hang out with them sometime? 58 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,280 I mean, what's the worst that could happen? 59 00:02:23,282 --> 00:02:25,716 Just invite myself? Now, that's just rude. 60 00:02:25,718 --> 00:02:28,552 Winnie the bish wasn't raised to be rude. 61 00:02:28,554 --> 00:02:31,188 Now, save my seat. I got to go make a caca. 62 00:02:31,190 --> 00:02:33,790 I can't believe we're gonna live with a cop. 63 00:02:33,792 --> 00:02:36,593 I mean, can we still do illegal things? Like, i don't know, 64 00:02:36,595 --> 00:02:38,295 What if i want to get stoned or something? 65 00:02:38,297 --> 00:02:39,630 I've actually never gotten stoned before. 66 00:02:39,632 --> 00:02:41,632 You've never been stoned? What? 67 00:02:41,634 --> 00:02:42,966 Should i do it before he becomes a cop? 68 00:02:42,968 --> 00:02:44,401 We could do this. Really? 69 00:02:44,403 --> 00:02:46,270 We're adults. We can smoke a little weed. 70 00:02:46,272 --> 00:02:47,871 I think we should do it. It's been a while. 71 00:02:47,873 --> 00:02:49,306 I pick up stuff really quick. 72 00:02:49,308 --> 00:02:51,308 You can't just pick up pot and be good at it. 73 00:02:51,310 --> 00:02:54,144 Like everything else in life, it takes practice. Yeah, if pot 74 00:02:54,146 --> 00:02:56,213 Were a piano, nick would be a nine-year-old chinese girl. 75 00:02:56,215 --> 00:02:58,415 Daddy's here to take care of you. I'm gonna guide you through it. 76 00:02:58,417 --> 00:03:00,217 I'll be your spiritual guru. 77 00:03:00,219 --> 00:03:01,885 And mommy's got nothing to do this afternoon, 78 00:03:01,887 --> 00:03:03,287 So i'm gonna bake some damn brownies 79 00:03:03,289 --> 00:03:04,554 So we can all freak out. 80 00:03:04,556 --> 00:03:06,990 Let's do it. We're getting stoned? 81 00:03:06,992 --> 00:03:09,159 This is like watching a meeting of idiot 12-year-olds. 82 00:03:09,161 --> 00:03:11,295 The hell is that? What is that noise? (ringtone playing) 83 00:03:11,297 --> 00:03:12,763 Your cellular technology. 84 00:03:12,765 --> 00:03:16,166 I haven't gotten a non-text message in two years. 85 00:03:16,168 --> 00:03:17,801 Jess? 86 00:03:17,803 --> 00:03:20,804 Hey, uh... So, i diced 87 00:03:20,806 --> 00:03:23,473 And it was great. Um, 88 00:03:23,475 --> 00:03:26,643 But could i get a ride? 89 00:03:26,645 --> 00:03:29,246 You sure you don't want to hop on for a second? 90 00:03:31,750 --> 00:03:35,152 Do you have a dog, or is this all you? 91 00:03:35,154 --> 00:03:36,753 Which would you prefer? 92 00:03:36,755 --> 00:03:38,522 (barks) 93 00:03:40,025 --> 00:03:42,826 Schmidt, will you at least just talk to me, please? 94 00:03:44,463 --> 00:03:46,163 He looked nice in his picture. 95 00:03:47,466 --> 00:03:49,199 The frame cut off the bottom of his beard, 96 00:03:49,201 --> 00:03:51,301 So how was i to know it was braided into a beardy tail? 97 00:03:51,303 --> 00:03:53,470 Mmm. He asked me 98 00:03:53,472 --> 00:03:55,305 To the food court near his house. 99 00:03:55,307 --> 00:03:57,607 I thought that was down-to-earth, and i liked that. 100 00:03:57,609 --> 00:03:59,042 He didn't bring any money, 101 00:03:59,044 --> 00:04:01,211 So we had to go back to his apartment. 102 00:04:01,213 --> 00:04:04,715 And also he wanted to show me some of his old baby clothes. 103 00:04:04,717 --> 00:04:06,683 (groans) 104 00:04:07,886 --> 00:04:09,653 Maybe i'm not ready for dice. 105 00:04:09,655 --> 00:04:11,621 Will you just help me, please? 106 00:04:11,623 --> 00:04:13,990 I want to get back out there. I have to... 107 00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:15,959 I need to get back out there. 108 00:04:15,961 --> 00:04:16,993 And i know i'm gullible. 109 00:04:16,995 --> 00:04:18,295 'cause people tell me that, 110 00:04:18,297 --> 00:04:20,263 And i have no reason not to believe them. 111 00:04:21,533 --> 00:04:23,600 Teach me to dice. 112 00:04:28,173 --> 00:04:30,507 Is that a yes? (mutters) 113 00:04:30,509 --> 00:04:32,309 Schmidt? 114 00:04:32,311 --> 00:04:34,378 What's happening? 115 00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:38,548 Ah! What the hell? 116 00:04:38,550 --> 00:04:41,051 I will teach you dice. 117 00:04:49,595 --> 00:04:51,928 Welcome and... 118 00:04:51,930 --> 00:04:53,563 Good morning. 119 00:04:53,565 --> 00:04:55,866 It's weird here in the morning. It is very sad. 120 00:04:55,868 --> 00:04:57,534 Now, over the next 1,000 minutes, 121 00:04:57,536 --> 00:04:59,436 Your notions of dating will be challenged. 122 00:04:59,438 --> 00:05:01,605 Jess, just listen. No notes. I'm sorry. 123 00:05:01,607 --> 00:05:04,574 You put notebooks and pens on the table, so i thought... I totally get it. 124 00:05:04,576 --> 00:05:06,710 Look, jess, you're nervous. Would you like some water? 125 00:05:06,712 --> 00:05:08,111 Oh, thank you. Of course. 126 00:05:08,113 --> 00:05:10,180 That's really nice of... Never show weakness. 127 00:05:10,182 --> 00:05:13,583 Write that down. Now, you're on dice 128 00:05:13,585 --> 00:05:15,452 And this hunk shows up. 129 00:05:15,454 --> 00:05:17,921 Hubba hubba, mama in trubba. 130 00:05:17,923 --> 00:05:18,789 Don't ever do that again. 131 00:05:18,791 --> 00:05:20,190 Okay. So you find 132 00:05:20,192 --> 00:05:21,858 This man. He looks like a hemsworth, 133 00:05:21,860 --> 00:05:23,093 If you will. 134 00:05:23,095 --> 00:05:25,028 He swipes down, you swipe down, 135 00:05:25,030 --> 00:05:28,031 You guys set a date. I show up. 136 00:05:28,033 --> 00:05:29,866 Hey, how you doing? I'm jack steele. 137 00:05:29,868 --> 00:05:31,568 Hi, jack. (buzzing) 138 00:05:31,570 --> 00:05:34,604 Wrong. Is that our taboo buzzer? 139 00:05:34,606 --> 00:05:36,440 Not important. Why did i buzz? Do you think you could 140 00:05:36,442 --> 00:05:38,141 Just return it to the box when you're done with it? 141 00:05:38,143 --> 00:05:40,710 The reason i buzzed is because i look nothing like this person. 142 00:05:40,712 --> 00:05:42,479 Look at this. There's a sun-kissed sweetie. 143 00:05:42,481 --> 00:05:44,214 I am a rugged semitic prince. 144 00:05:44,216 --> 00:05:46,416 I thought we were role-playing. Role-playing? 145 00:05:46,418 --> 00:05:47,884 What about this feels like a game to you? 146 00:05:47,886 --> 00:05:50,754 (buzzing) (phone chimes) 147 00:05:50,756 --> 00:05:53,123 Ooh, i got a dice match. 148 00:05:53,125 --> 00:05:54,124 Jacob. 149 00:05:54,126 --> 00:05:56,560 He has dreamy eyes. 150 00:05:56,562 --> 00:05:58,228 Them's joint-bank-account eyes. Okay, 151 00:05:58,230 --> 00:06:00,130 If you're saying things like "dreamy eyes" to my face, 152 00:06:00,132 --> 00:06:02,933 We have more work to do than the kings of leon. 153 00:06:02,935 --> 00:06:05,735 Good band, but it feels like they are stuck in one place musically. 154 00:06:05,737 --> 00:06:07,070 Well, i have a good feeling about this guy. 155 00:06:07,072 --> 00:06:07,971 Okay. I'm gonna ask him out. 156 00:06:07,973 --> 00:06:09,272 Hey. 157 00:06:09,274 --> 00:06:10,807 You're not ready yet. 158 00:06:12,511 --> 00:06:14,945 I'm s... I'm sorry about your phone. 159 00:06:14,947 --> 00:06:16,580 I'm sure you have the protection plan. 160 00:06:16,582 --> 00:06:18,081 I do have the... (buzzing) 161 00:06:18,083 --> 00:06:20,750 Never get the protection plan! 162 00:06:20,752 --> 00:06:22,686 Nick: The oceans are very wild. 163 00:06:22,688 --> 00:06:25,322 No man or piece of scientific technology 164 00:06:25,324 --> 00:06:27,657 Has ever been to the bottom of the ocean. 165 00:06:27,659 --> 00:06:29,826 Titanic did. Uh, titanic sunk down there, 166 00:06:29,828 --> 00:06:31,261 But that's not to the bottom. 167 00:06:31,263 --> 00:06:32,996 No, the man who made titanic did. 168 00:06:32,998 --> 00:06:35,432 I don't know what manhoo is, but... 169 00:06:35,434 --> 00:06:37,000 You guys seem a lot higher than me. 170 00:06:37,002 --> 00:06:39,336 Well, it hits everybody at different times, hoss. 171 00:06:39,338 --> 00:06:41,104 (door opens) but it's coming for you. 172 00:06:41,106 --> 00:06:42,939 My people! (chuckles) 173 00:06:42,941 --> 00:06:45,175 Time to rally, everybody. We are going to a party. 174 00:06:45,177 --> 00:06:47,611 I took cece's advice and decided to invite myself 175 00:06:47,613 --> 00:06:49,779 To hang out with some of the other guys, 176 00:06:49,781 --> 00:06:51,948 And i think y'all should roll with. 177 00:06:51,950 --> 00:06:53,550 Make me look cooler. 178 00:06:53,552 --> 00:06:56,319 I'll totally go to a party on your butt. 179 00:06:56,321 --> 00:06:57,153 What? 180 00:06:57,155 --> 00:06:59,155 (laughing) no. No. 181 00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:01,725 Now, that is a humorous image. 182 00:07:01,727 --> 00:07:04,861 What? 183 00:07:04,863 --> 00:07:06,963 But, seriously, you have to go. Oh, no, no, no, no. 184 00:07:06,965 --> 00:07:08,398 Know-know what? We're gonna go. 185 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:09,499 We're gonna go. 186 00:07:09,501 --> 00:07:11,334 Okay. We're gonna go. 187 00:07:11,336 --> 00:07:13,336 We're gonna go. We're gonna go. 188 00:07:13,338 --> 00:07:14,838 You're gonna go? Hey, we're gonna go. 189 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:16,339 We're gonna go. 190 00:07:16,341 --> 00:07:17,874 We're gonna go. Right on, right on. 191 00:07:17,876 --> 00:07:19,676 Well, then we'll go. 192 00:07:19,678 --> 00:07:21,177 (chuckling): Yeah. 193 00:07:21,179 --> 00:07:22,546 You guys are way too messed up to be going. 194 00:07:22,548 --> 00:07:24,814 You're not an expert. I am. 195 00:07:24,816 --> 00:07:26,149 Nobody knows we're stoned. 196 00:07:26,151 --> 00:07:27,517 If we didn't go, then they would know. 197 00:07:27,519 --> 00:07:28,718 You're saying that be... 198 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,320 If we don't go to the party, 199 00:07:30,322 --> 00:07:31,688 They're gonna think that we're high. 200 00:07:31,690 --> 00:07:33,857 Oh, the guy who's never done weed. 201 00:07:33,859 --> 00:07:35,725 That's not the proper term. It's "smoked weed." 202 00:07:35,727 --> 00:07:37,394 You don't "do weed." that's a test. 203 00:07:37,396 --> 00:07:39,095 You said it. Listen to me, 204 00:07:39,097 --> 00:07:41,731 First order of business, we eat their food. 205 00:07:41,733 --> 00:07:45,168 Okay. Then you look at the pool. "aw, what a great pool. 206 00:07:45,170 --> 00:07:49,105 I wish... I wish i could dive for rings." 207 00:07:49,107 --> 00:07:52,676 Because if you were stoned, you wouldn't dive for rings. 208 00:07:52,678 --> 00:07:56,012 Um, i was just thinking of this impression. 209 00:07:57,549 --> 00:07:58,915 Who am i doing? 210 00:08:01,587 --> 00:08:03,453 Who am i doing? Al pacino? 211 00:08:03,455 --> 00:08:06,556 Maybe. So, then, 212 00:08:06,558 --> 00:08:08,892 You get home, you eat some pizza... 213 00:08:08,894 --> 00:08:11,428 Trust me. I just thought of every single possibility 214 00:08:11,430 --> 00:08:14,130 Of what could happen at that party, and none of them are bad. 215 00:08:14,132 --> 00:08:16,299 Ooh. Wow. 216 00:08:16,301 --> 00:08:19,869 This is a big party. I'm talking wall-to-wall cops. 217 00:08:19,871 --> 00:08:21,771 Man. 218 00:08:25,978 --> 00:08:27,944 Oh, i did not think this through. 219 00:08:27,946 --> 00:08:30,480 (giggling) 220 00:08:30,482 --> 00:08:34,050 It just hit me. 221 00:08:34,052 --> 00:08:35,452 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, 222 00:08:35,454 --> 00:08:37,053 Hey, hey, hey, hey. Be cool. 223 00:08:37,055 --> 00:08:39,456 And that is why-- no matter how tricked out it is-- 224 00:08:39,458 --> 00:08:41,124 You never get into a van. 225 00:08:41,126 --> 00:08:43,493 "no van." okay. Moving on. 226 00:08:43,495 --> 00:08:44,728 Classic warning signs. 227 00:08:44,730 --> 00:08:46,096 Now, last night, the crazy man 228 00:08:46,098 --> 00:08:48,064 Said he needed to meet you near his house. 229 00:08:48,066 --> 00:08:49,733 What he was really saying was, 230 00:08:49,735 --> 00:08:51,468 "i expect tonight to end in sex." 231 00:08:51,470 --> 00:08:54,237 Or maybe he doesn't like to be far from his pets. 232 00:08:54,239 --> 00:08:56,406 Never date a man with pets. The only acceptable pet 233 00:08:56,408 --> 00:08:59,843 For a man to have is a saltwater fish. Okay, what now? 234 00:08:59,845 --> 00:09:01,645 Okay, first test. Now, i'm gonna say something, 235 00:09:01,647 --> 00:09:04,280 And you tell me what's really being said. 236 00:09:04,282 --> 00:09:06,750 Oh, you know, i'm just staying in a hotel right now. 237 00:09:06,752 --> 00:09:08,284 "i like to travel." 238 00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:10,654 (buzzing) homeless. Pervert. 239 00:09:10,656 --> 00:09:13,823 Oh, my god, my mom is just the most amazing woman. 240 00:09:13,825 --> 00:09:15,258 Oh. "i love my mother." 241 00:09:15,260 --> 00:09:16,526 (buzzing) 242 00:09:16,528 --> 00:09:19,129 Virgin. And somehow also a pervert. 243 00:09:19,131 --> 00:09:21,765 I kind of prefer public transportation. 244 00:09:21,767 --> 00:09:23,299 Oh. Earth-conscious. 245 00:09:23,301 --> 00:09:25,201 (buzzing) multiple duis. 246 00:09:25,203 --> 00:09:26,302 (buzzing) 247 00:09:26,304 --> 00:09:28,138 Pervert. 248 00:09:28,140 --> 00:09:29,639 Okay, time for the next phase. 249 00:09:29,641 --> 00:09:31,007 Next phase? Jess? 250 00:09:31,009 --> 00:09:33,943 Hi. I'm malcolm. From dice? Oh... 251 00:09:33,945 --> 00:09:35,545 Oh. 252 00:09:35,547 --> 00:09:37,547 Hi. Hey. 253 00:09:37,549 --> 00:09:39,382 She'll be with you in just a minute. 254 00:09:39,384 --> 00:09:41,184 Okay. 255 00:09:41,186 --> 00:09:43,286 You set me up on a date? I'm wearing my 256 00:09:43,288 --> 00:09:45,488 Lounge-around underwear. I set you up on ten dates. 257 00:09:45,490 --> 00:09:47,157 What? Ten years of experience in one day. 258 00:09:47,159 --> 00:09:48,324 Expert by midnight. 259 00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:49,826 The dice diez. 260 00:09:49,828 --> 00:09:51,194 "diez" is spanish for ten. 261 00:09:51,196 --> 00:09:53,196 Are you insane, schmidt? I'm not ready. 262 00:09:53,198 --> 00:09:55,565 That's like taking a musical from rehearsals 263 00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:57,967 Straight to broadway. You got to workshop it first... 264 00:09:57,969 --> 00:09:59,402 If you are for one second suggesting 265 00:09:59,404 --> 00:10:00,870 That i don't know how to open a musical... 266 00:10:00,872 --> 00:10:02,872 How dare you? I'm trying to help you out here. 267 00:10:02,874 --> 00:10:05,175 Now, of course you're not ready, jess. 268 00:10:05,177 --> 00:10:07,644 That's why i set up ten dates. 269 00:10:07,646 --> 00:10:09,412 Now, you can do this. Come on. 270 00:10:09,414 --> 00:10:11,648 All right. 271 00:10:11,650 --> 00:10:12,649 So... 272 00:10:12,651 --> 00:10:13,917 So. Date talk. 273 00:10:13,919 --> 00:10:15,885 Okay. (chuckles) what do you do? 274 00:10:15,887 --> 00:10:18,421 Um, well, i don't have a job, currently, right now, 275 00:10:18,423 --> 00:10:20,757 In the traditional "nine to five" sense, 276 00:10:20,759 --> 00:10:23,326 But, uh, i got a lot cooking. 277 00:10:23,328 --> 00:10:26,896 I "grow" "raisins." 278 00:10:29,334 --> 00:10:31,601 I'm sorry, malcolm, um, 279 00:10:31,603 --> 00:10:33,670 I'm gonna have to... 280 00:10:34,606 --> 00:10:35,772 (whispering): Get out of there. 281 00:10:35,774 --> 00:10:37,774 ...Let you finish that story. 282 00:10:37,776 --> 00:10:40,910 Oh, okay. I grow two types of raisins. 283 00:10:40,912 --> 00:10:42,679 There's the leopold raisin, 284 00:10:42,681 --> 00:10:44,347 Which is from austria. Mm-hmm. 285 00:10:44,349 --> 00:10:45,849 And then there's the zwiebel raisin, 286 00:10:45,851 --> 00:10:47,617 Which is also from austria. 287 00:10:51,523 --> 00:10:52,622 But i think the main thing 288 00:10:52,624 --> 00:10:54,023 That got me through my time in prison 289 00:10:54,025 --> 00:10:55,291 Was the realization 290 00:10:55,293 --> 00:10:56,960 That a "raisin" can be anything. 291 00:10:56,962 --> 00:10:58,394 We got to go! 292 00:10:58,396 --> 00:11:00,130 (in southern accent): Ma called. The bees are back. 293 00:11:00,132 --> 00:11:01,464 Ma called. The bees are back. 294 00:11:01,466 --> 00:11:03,133 Oh, okay. Um... 295 00:11:03,135 --> 00:11:04,968 Should i just... Should i wait for you? 296 00:11:04,970 --> 00:11:07,036 You know that was a bad date, right? 297 00:11:07,038 --> 00:11:09,139 I know, but i just felt so trapped. 298 00:11:09,141 --> 00:11:11,708 Just do what i did, make up an excuse and then leave. 299 00:11:11,710 --> 00:11:13,877 Just-just say as little as you need to, okay? 300 00:11:13,879 --> 00:11:14,944 Make it your own. 301 00:11:14,946 --> 00:11:16,045 You ready? Yeah. 302 00:11:16,047 --> 00:11:17,280 You can do this. Okay. 303 00:11:17,282 --> 00:11:18,715 You have so much hair. What? 304 00:11:18,717 --> 00:11:19,749 Where did all that hair come from? 305 00:11:19,751 --> 00:11:20,817 You're like a lioness. 306 00:11:20,819 --> 00:11:22,452 So, did you know you could put 307 00:11:22,454 --> 00:11:24,621 A whole live chicken in your mouth and eat it 308 00:11:24,623 --> 00:11:27,624 Without plucking it or preparing it at all? 309 00:11:29,094 --> 00:11:30,593 (whispering): Keep it simple. 310 00:11:30,595 --> 00:11:31,728 Uh, let's keep it simple. 311 00:11:31,730 --> 00:11:32,896 You're a nice guy, 312 00:11:32,898 --> 00:11:34,397 And that's a neat outfit. 313 00:11:34,399 --> 00:11:36,266 Are you a chef? Are you a beatnik? 314 00:11:36,268 --> 00:11:37,333 Are... Do you work on... 315 00:11:37,335 --> 00:11:38,768 On a submarine? Shh. 316 00:11:38,770 --> 00:11:39,903 No! No! 317 00:11:39,905 --> 00:11:41,070 Oh. Stand down, 318 00:11:41,072 --> 00:11:42,305 Sir! We found your son. 319 00:11:42,307 --> 00:11:43,406 He's alive. 320 00:11:43,408 --> 00:11:45,241 They found my son; he's alive. 321 00:11:45,243 --> 00:11:47,610 I'm sorry. It was nice meeting you. 322 00:11:47,612 --> 00:11:49,112 Winston: All right, now, remember, 323 00:11:49,114 --> 00:11:50,246 Y'all are my dogs, okay? 324 00:11:50,248 --> 00:11:51,447 So just stay by my side 325 00:11:51,449 --> 00:11:52,849 And make me look cool. 326 00:11:52,851 --> 00:11:55,585 If i tell a joke, dogs got to bark. 327 00:11:55,587 --> 00:11:58,121 (laughs) i want to see those tails wagging out there, okay? 328 00:11:58,123 --> 00:11:59,956 Oh, okay, look. 329 00:11:59,958 --> 00:12:01,291 Look, there's dugan. There's dugan. 330 00:12:01,293 --> 00:12:04,160 That's the guy i was telling you about. Come on. 331 00:12:04,162 --> 00:12:06,196 Over there is better. 332 00:12:06,198 --> 00:12:07,297 All right. 333 00:12:07,299 --> 00:12:09,432 What? Whatever the hell that means. 334 00:12:09,434 --> 00:12:11,501 Is there a cop in the house? (laughs) 335 00:12:11,503 --> 00:12:14,137 I feel really calm. Really relaxed. 336 00:12:14,139 --> 00:12:16,206 Oh, look, a hummingbird. What the hell are you talking about? 337 00:12:16,208 --> 00:12:18,107 There's no such thing as a hummingbird. 338 00:12:18,109 --> 00:12:19,709 Birds don't hum. 339 00:12:19,711 --> 00:12:20,877 They sing. 340 00:12:20,879 --> 00:12:22,512 They basically invented singing. 341 00:12:22,514 --> 00:12:24,214 You're so high right now, man. 342 00:12:24,216 --> 00:12:26,516 You're so high, i couldn't possibly even bring you back. 343 00:12:26,518 --> 00:12:28,618 Actually, dude, i feel really good. 344 00:12:28,620 --> 00:12:30,186 Hey, hey, hey, hey, when you walk, 345 00:12:30,188 --> 00:12:31,688 You look like an insane person. 346 00:12:31,690 --> 00:12:35,291 Okay? And your voice sounds so stoned and crazy. 347 00:12:35,293 --> 00:12:36,693 Say something. 348 00:12:36,695 --> 00:12:38,228 Hello, nick. 349 00:12:38,230 --> 00:12:40,163 (laughs) 350 00:12:40,165 --> 00:12:42,232 That took you, like, 20 minutes. 351 00:12:42,234 --> 00:12:44,200 "hello, nick." 352 00:12:44,202 --> 00:12:46,736 And now i'm a model and a bartender. 353 00:12:46,738 --> 00:12:48,371 But i... 354 00:12:48,373 --> 00:12:50,740 I'm not sure what's next. I feel a little lost. 355 00:12:50,742 --> 00:12:53,042 I'm not exactly sure what i'm doing with my life. 356 00:12:54,145 --> 00:12:55,245 I'm so sorry. 357 00:12:55,247 --> 00:12:56,512 What was your question again? 358 00:12:56,514 --> 00:12:58,181 I didn't ask you anything. 359 00:12:58,183 --> 00:13:00,683 You just walked up and started talking. 360 00:13:00,685 --> 00:13:02,218 So, man, i'm in the locker room, 361 00:13:02,220 --> 00:13:03,887 And i see a spider, and i'm like, 362 00:13:03,889 --> 00:13:05,188 "i hope this is charlotte's web 363 00:13:05,190 --> 00:13:06,456 And you're nice." 364 00:13:09,427 --> 00:13:10,927 You haven't seen charlotte's web? 365 00:13:10,929 --> 00:13:12,528 Charlotte's web, the, uh, cartoon. 366 00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:15,265 The tale about the spider who was super chill and super cool. 367 00:13:15,267 --> 00:13:17,200 Then, well, series of events, she ended up dying. 368 00:13:17,202 --> 00:13:18,601 So that was sad. 369 00:13:18,603 --> 00:13:20,770 That was sad, but spoiler alert, if you haven't seen it. 370 00:13:20,772 --> 00:13:22,105 I'm sure you... You haven't seen it. 371 00:13:22,107 --> 00:13:25,742 Where are my dogs? 372 00:13:25,744 --> 00:13:28,111 I took the liberty of writing down some exit lines, 373 00:13:28,113 --> 00:13:30,513 Because obviously, you can't come up with any on your own. 374 00:13:30,515 --> 00:13:32,282 Here, take a look at those. 375 00:13:32,284 --> 00:13:33,950 I've got hockey practice? 376 00:13:33,952 --> 00:13:36,119 Sure. My boss is trying to contact me 377 00:13:36,121 --> 00:13:38,354 About a project that could save the company. 378 00:13:38,356 --> 00:13:39,289 Mm-hmm. Schmidt, 379 00:13:39,291 --> 00:13:40,623 These are such obvious rejections. 380 00:13:40,625 --> 00:13:41,958 I don't want to hurt their feelings. 381 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,026 Hurt their feel... 382 00:13:43,028 --> 00:13:44,460 Do you just walk around all day 383 00:13:44,462 --> 00:13:45,695 Thinking about other people's feelings? 384 00:13:45,697 --> 00:13:46,863 Yeah. Don't you? 385 00:13:46,865 --> 00:13:48,364 No. 386 00:13:48,366 --> 00:13:49,532 How do you get anything done? 387 00:13:49,534 --> 00:13:51,534 It's hard. Okay, jess, 388 00:13:51,536 --> 00:13:53,870 How can i put this? 389 00:13:53,872 --> 00:13:56,205 You're the prize here. 390 00:13:56,207 --> 00:13:58,241 Okay? 391 00:13:58,243 --> 00:14:00,543 You are the last piece of pie, and all of these guys 392 00:14:00,545 --> 00:14:01,945 Are the fat kids in the cafeteria, 393 00:14:01,947 --> 00:14:04,380 And i can say that because i used to be fat as a truck. 394 00:14:04,382 --> 00:14:06,082 You really think i'm the last piece of pie? 395 00:14:06,084 --> 00:14:08,318 Damn right you're the last piece of pie. 396 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,219 You're the best girl on dice, jess. 397 00:14:10,221 --> 00:14:12,555 And who cares what these guys are feeling? 398 00:14:12,557 --> 00:14:14,424 You know, what do you feel? 399 00:14:14,426 --> 00:14:16,559 Jess, what do you want? 400 00:14:16,561 --> 00:14:17,627 I'm the pie. 401 00:14:17,629 --> 00:14:19,262 You're the pie. I'm the pie. 402 00:14:19,264 --> 00:14:20,663 Say it again. I'm the pie. 403 00:14:20,665 --> 00:14:22,165 Say it again. I'm the pie. 404 00:14:22,167 --> 00:14:23,900 There you go. 405 00:14:23,902 --> 00:14:25,068 Who are you? 406 00:14:26,004 --> 00:14:27,570 Never really thought about that. 407 00:14:27,572 --> 00:14:28,671 Mmm. 408 00:14:28,673 --> 00:14:30,239 I'm not gay, 409 00:14:30,241 --> 00:14:33,609 But i would go crazy on michael strahan. 410 00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:38,181 A prominent u.S. Senator is trying to contact me. 411 00:14:40,151 --> 00:14:42,752 You know, i just think meryl streep is a dumb bitch. 412 00:14:42,754 --> 00:14:45,355 An important document has gone missing. 413 00:14:45,357 --> 00:14:47,423 I need to find it. 414 00:14:48,493 --> 00:14:49,759 I've been getting into a lot 415 00:14:49,761 --> 00:14:51,194 Of fist fights lately. 416 00:14:51,196 --> 00:14:52,328 Like, a lot. 417 00:14:52,330 --> 00:14:53,629 More than usual. 418 00:14:53,631 --> 00:14:54,964 But, you know, 419 00:14:54,966 --> 00:14:56,799 I'm kind of enjoying them now. 420 00:14:56,801 --> 00:14:59,035 I have an acquaintance who's in jeopardy. 421 00:15:03,441 --> 00:15:04,941 Jess? 422 00:15:04,943 --> 00:15:07,343 Nope, not jess. 423 00:15:08,279 --> 00:15:10,513 Velcro shoes, pervert. 424 00:15:11,316 --> 00:15:13,383 I didn't even see those. 425 00:15:14,719 --> 00:15:17,353 I would love for you to share... 426 00:15:17,355 --> 00:15:19,655 Share... 427 00:15:19,657 --> 00:15:22,091 What you think i should do with my life. 428 00:15:24,496 --> 00:15:26,696 Am i boring you now? 429 00:15:26,698 --> 00:15:28,765 Officer, can i read you your rights? 430 00:15:30,068 --> 00:15:33,202 You have the right to remain hugged. 431 00:15:33,204 --> 00:15:34,537 (laughter) 432 00:15:34,539 --> 00:15:36,239 Oh, no, coach! 433 00:15:36,241 --> 00:15:37,874 And you have the right to remain sweet. 434 00:15:37,876 --> 00:15:39,075 (laughter) 435 00:15:39,077 --> 00:15:41,044 Run! Diversion! 436 00:15:41,046 --> 00:15:43,212 Run! Run! Now! Now! Uh, du...? Whoa. Hold on! 437 00:15:43,214 --> 00:15:45,381 What's with your friends, winston bishop? 438 00:15:45,383 --> 00:15:48,384 They kicked over the grill, and then they ran that way. 439 00:15:48,386 --> 00:15:49,819 Yeah... I know. 440 00:15:50,922 --> 00:15:53,089 Wow. Last date. 441 00:15:53,091 --> 00:15:54,857 It's a big moment. 442 00:15:54,859 --> 00:15:57,927 Oh, my god, is that who i think it is? 443 00:15:57,929 --> 00:16:00,163 I give you dreamy eyes jacob. 444 00:16:00,165 --> 00:16:01,931 Happy dice birthday, jess. 445 00:16:01,933 --> 00:16:04,267 You're ready for this. Now, go get him. 446 00:16:04,269 --> 00:16:06,669 Thank you, sir. 447 00:16:06,671 --> 00:16:08,104 Jess: Wait a minute. 448 00:16:08,106 --> 00:16:10,273 Are you from portland? The jolly cow creamery. 449 00:16:10,275 --> 00:16:12,241 Yeah, i used to work there summers in high school. 450 00:16:12,243 --> 00:16:14,510 No way. I'm from portland, too. Are you serious? 451 00:16:14,512 --> 00:16:16,512 Yes. I used to go there all the time in high school. 452 00:16:16,514 --> 00:16:18,014 Oh, my god. That's so funny. 453 00:16:18,016 --> 00:16:19,849 (laughter) 454 00:16:21,619 --> 00:16:23,419 Yeah, i hope you like this place. 455 00:16:23,421 --> 00:16:25,354 I live, like, right across the street, so... 456 00:16:27,792 --> 00:16:30,193 Oh. (clears throat) i get it. 457 00:16:30,195 --> 00:16:32,628 You asked me here because 458 00:16:32,630 --> 00:16:34,931 You want me to go home with you. Wait. What? 459 00:16:34,933 --> 00:16:36,599 No. Um, you know what? I got to go. 460 00:16:36,601 --> 00:16:38,134 I have hockey practice. 461 00:16:38,136 --> 00:16:40,036 I'm center wing, so they really need me. I... Wow. 462 00:16:40,038 --> 00:16:42,405 Okay, i just live across the street. 463 00:16:42,407 --> 00:16:45,875 I'm not some weirdo trying to lure you back to my apartment. 464 00:16:45,877 --> 00:16:47,710 I thought we were kind of hitting it off. 465 00:16:47,712 --> 00:16:50,046 Guess you just make a snap decision, 466 00:16:50,048 --> 00:16:51,747 And then that's it, so... 467 00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:54,050 All right, well, have a good practice. 468 00:16:54,052 --> 00:16:58,621 And by the way, there's no center wing in hockey. 469 00:17:02,393 --> 00:17:03,893 The dice diez! 470 00:17:03,895 --> 00:17:05,027 You did it! 471 00:17:05,997 --> 00:17:07,730 This thing is on! 472 00:17:07,732 --> 00:17:09,398 How do you open it? 473 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,068 Oh, wow. This isn't even champagne. 474 00:17:12,070 --> 00:17:14,237 Look, it's a super fancy salad dressing. 475 00:17:14,239 --> 00:17:15,738 That is delightful. 476 00:17:20,979 --> 00:17:23,779 We are celebrating-- me and you. Jess, you can have whatever 477 00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:25,948 You want on the menu. They got pizza, gelato, 478 00:17:25,950 --> 00:17:27,750 Tikka masala. 479 00:17:27,752 --> 00:17:29,752 A raw bar. This place is doing too much. 480 00:17:29,754 --> 00:17:32,121 They can't be doing all this right. What's wrong with you? 481 00:17:32,123 --> 00:17:33,656 I just don't understand how 482 00:17:33,658 --> 00:17:35,958 What we did today is gonna help me find love. 483 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,627 Love? 484 00:17:37,629 --> 00:17:38,995 Well, why would you want to fall in love? 485 00:17:38,997 --> 00:17:40,796 Why else would i go on dates? 486 00:17:40,798 --> 00:17:43,499 The point of dating is just to keep on dating, 487 00:17:43,501 --> 00:17:45,434 And then never stop. 488 00:17:45,436 --> 00:17:47,503 It's like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist. 489 00:17:47,505 --> 00:17:49,805 No. Schmidt, the whole point 490 00:17:49,807 --> 00:17:53,442 Of going on dates is to fall in love and have a relationship. 491 00:17:53,444 --> 00:17:56,145 Like, don't you ever worry that you're missing out? 492 00:17:56,147 --> 00:17:59,315 I mean, you're plowing through all these girls, 493 00:17:59,317 --> 00:18:03,152 And some of 'em might be great, but you'll never know. 494 00:18:03,154 --> 00:18:05,621 Do you want to go through life that way? 495 00:18:06,858 --> 00:18:09,058 Yeah. 496 00:18:09,060 --> 00:18:11,761 I don't. 497 00:18:17,569 --> 00:18:20,069 Oh, hey, yeah. I'll take the, um... 498 00:18:20,071 --> 00:18:22,038 The rock shrimp meatballs. 499 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:23,906 What is this place? 500 00:18:23,908 --> 00:18:25,508 (shushing) 501 00:18:25,510 --> 00:18:28,211 I think my life is going nowhere. 502 00:18:28,213 --> 00:18:29,712 Oh. Mmm. 503 00:18:29,714 --> 00:18:31,881 No, cece. It's wonderful here. 504 00:18:31,883 --> 00:18:33,216 Do you like to learn? 505 00:18:33,218 --> 00:18:34,684 I do. 506 00:18:34,686 --> 00:18:36,219 I see you going back to school. 507 00:18:36,221 --> 00:18:39,355 I see it, too. Yes, yes. 508 00:18:39,357 --> 00:18:41,390 I don't see it. Yes. 509 00:18:41,392 --> 00:18:43,893 She's a bartender. How is she gonna pay for it? 510 00:18:43,895 --> 00:18:47,163 (cece and coach hum "pomp and circumstance") she's not very good at it. 511 00:18:47,165 --> 00:18:49,265 (all humming "pomp and circumstance") 512 00:18:49,267 --> 00:18:51,334 (beatboxing) 513 00:18:53,571 --> 00:18:54,503 On the floor! Shut up! 514 00:18:54,505 --> 00:18:58,441 (yelling, overlapping chatter) 515 00:18:58,443 --> 00:19:00,276 (shouting and yelling) cece: Get the dog! 516 00:19:00,278 --> 00:19:03,079 Get down on the ground! Yeah, and stay down! No! 517 00:19:03,081 --> 00:19:04,947 (indistinct, overlapping chatter) cece: I'm a student! 518 00:19:04,949 --> 00:19:06,782 Both of you, butts up. I'm trying. 519 00:19:06,784 --> 00:19:08,117 I'm trying. 520 00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:12,455 (laughter) 521 00:19:12,457 --> 00:19:14,090 See, i see you guys were high, 522 00:19:14,092 --> 00:19:17,126 So i got these guys to come and mess with you. 523 00:19:17,128 --> 00:19:19,195 (laughter) 524 00:19:19,197 --> 00:19:20,796 Let's go, man. 525 00:19:20,798 --> 00:19:23,032 Let's never do drugs again. 526 00:19:23,034 --> 00:19:25,201 That was a lot of fun... Toilet. 527 00:19:25,203 --> 00:19:27,470 "toilet." is that... Is that my nickname? 528 00:19:27,472 --> 00:19:29,071 Dugan: Yeah, 'cause living with these guys, 529 00:19:29,073 --> 00:19:32,041 You got to put up with a lot of crap. Lot of crap. (laughs) 530 00:19:32,043 --> 00:19:33,042 Dugan: Let's get a beer. 531 00:19:33,044 --> 00:19:36,646 Thank you very much. 532 00:19:36,648 --> 00:19:38,648 Flush, flush, what's the rush? 533 00:19:38,650 --> 00:19:39,982 Toilet's coming! 534 00:19:39,984 --> 00:19:41,484 You guys want to go back in? 535 00:19:41,486 --> 00:19:43,119 Yeah. Yeah. 536 00:19:44,088 --> 00:19:46,322 Thanks for coming back. Sure. 537 00:19:46,324 --> 00:19:48,557 Look, i'm... I'm really sorry. 538 00:19:48,559 --> 00:19:50,926 Um, i was... I don't know where to begin. 539 00:19:50,928 --> 00:19:53,095 Uh, my roommate taught me all of these 540 00:19:53,097 --> 00:19:55,097 Phony excuses to get out of dates. 541 00:19:55,099 --> 00:19:58,401 Wow. Anyway, that is not me. 542 00:19:58,403 --> 00:20:00,436 Okay. So... 543 00:20:00,438 --> 00:20:02,571 Will you give me another chance to get to know you? 544 00:20:02,573 --> 00:20:04,073 Yeah. 545 00:20:04,075 --> 00:20:05,508 Let's go back in and get a drink. 546 00:20:05,510 --> 00:20:07,009 Yes. Great. 547 00:20:07,011 --> 00:20:10,646 Hey, uh, you know, we can just make that last date disappear. 548 00:20:10,648 --> 00:20:13,916 Like... This coin. 549 00:20:19,657 --> 00:20:21,357 (laughing): Oh. 550 00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:23,125 You're a magician. 551 00:20:23,127 --> 00:20:24,794 No. Ugh. No. 552 00:20:24,796 --> 00:20:26,796 I'm a comedy magician. 553 00:20:26,798 --> 00:20:29,332 Even better. 554 00:20:29,334 --> 00:20:31,334 And, like a lot of people in comedy, 555 00:20:31,336 --> 00:20:34,637 I have a little problem with, uh... Nose candy. 556 00:20:34,639 --> 00:20:36,539 Uh-oh. 557 00:20:39,043 --> 00:20:40,776 Can't have this. It's my last one. 558 00:20:40,778 --> 00:20:41,811 (laughing): No... 559 00:20:41,813 --> 00:20:42,812 I'm kidding. Take it. 560 00:20:42,814 --> 00:20:43,979 I don't want it. Please take it. 561 00:20:43,981 --> 00:20:44,980 No, you take it. 562 00:20:44,982 --> 00:20:46,782 Okay. Let's go in. 563 00:20:48,653 --> 00:20:50,553 (quietly): Schmidt? 564 00:20:50,555 --> 00:20:53,456 I totally didn't think i'd ever hear from you again. 565 00:20:53,458 --> 00:20:55,725 Well, you know, i just figured, 566 00:20:55,727 --> 00:20:57,493 Why not see if there's something here? 567 00:20:57,495 --> 00:20:59,695 You know, let's hang out, get to know each other. 568 00:20:59,697 --> 00:21:01,664 There's a coffee place down the street. 569 00:21:01,666 --> 00:21:05,267 Maybe we could go... Grab a cup of joe. 570 00:21:06,337 --> 00:21:08,404 I don't think you understand dice. 571 00:21:09,707 --> 00:21:11,207 Okay. 572 00:21:11,209 --> 00:21:13,209 (door closes) 573 00:21:13,211 --> 00:21:15,211 Schmidt: Jessica! 574 00:21:16,381 --> 00:21:18,514 I'm late to officiate a giant's wedding, 575 00:21:18,516 --> 00:21:19,849 And these are stuck. 576 00:21:19,851 --> 00:21:21,283 (jacob giggles) 577 00:21:23,554 --> 00:21:25,054 Now the rings are free, 578 00:21:25,056 --> 00:21:27,390 But the groom is imprisoned forever. 579 00:21:28,526 --> 00:21:30,559 I know how he feels. You know what they say. 580 00:21:30,561 --> 00:21:33,062 You got to crack a few eggs to, uh... 581 00:21:33,064 --> 00:21:34,797 Make an amish. 582 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,266 It's an egg. 583 00:21:37,268 --> 00:21:39,001 It's an amish person. 584 00:21:39,003 --> 00:21:41,270 My uncle is on fire. 585 00:21:41,272 --> 00:21:43,739 So, you've seen a rabbit pulled out of a hat, 586 00:21:43,741 --> 00:21:47,510 But have you ever seen a hat pulled out of a rabbit? 587 00:21:48,613 --> 00:21:49,912 No, no! 588 00:21:49,914 --> 00:21:51,881 Oh, my... Okay, this date is over. 589 00:21:51,883 --> 00:21:55,484 Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.Wgbh.Org