1
00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:18,660
Gentlemen!
2
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Three months ago I bravely
reentered the dating pool,
3
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,310
and how has this city rewarded me?
4
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With an endless parade
of weirdo ass clowns.
5
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Hard to say who was the worst.
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- Comedy magician.
- This guy with the little ding dang.
7
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- The lion tamer.
- Never went out with a lion tamer.
8
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I am having some vivid dreams.
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The point is Ian has asked
me out on a third date,
10
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and this is the biggest
compliment I could give.
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I want to go.
Because I like him.
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- Booh!
- That's not a reason.
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And frankly it's been a while,
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and the third date is where,
# mama gets her biscuit. #
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(chuckles)
16
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- Mama gets her biscuit.
- I don't understand.
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- It's sex.
- Oh!
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- Yeah!
- Now, that's a reason!
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Anyway, I'm bringing him home tonight,
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so let's keep those toilets flushed.
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That means stick around.
Take a second look.
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How'd you tell Ian about the fun
surprise that you still live with your ex?
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All right.
24
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Well, I haven't told him yet.
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Uh, tricky conversation.
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I'm thinking of something simple like,
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"Hey, Ian, I live with my ex."
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No. No, no. When a guy
hears that, he is going to
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run through the wall
like the Kool-Aid Man.
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Here's a fun idea. You can
put a hat on him with antlers.
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This way, the hole he makes in
the wall will make us all smile.
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Nick brings home girls all the time.
33
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- There's no problem.
- No complaints here.
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It'll make you forget
every botanical garden
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you've ever seen.
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I live with my ex-girlfriend.
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And after the farmer's market...
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I live with my ex.
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Let's have sex again.
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I live with my ex.
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(sighs)
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Damn it. Too quick.
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Hey, if you're looking
to scare somebody off,
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it's basically a gold mine.
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Nobody cares that we're
exes who live together.
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(groans) I got to go.
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Okay, that doesn't prove anything.
48
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Just for the record, I'm leaving
'cause you live with your ex.
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It's gross. And disgusting.
50
00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,450
And I'm gonna steal some stuff.
51
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Take what you want, honey.
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COACH: We don't read those anymore.
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(door closes)
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Nick, who are these girls?
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They're not the best.
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Jess, guys hate complicated situations.
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We want the path of least resistance.
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There's a flap in our underwear
because we are too lazy
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to pull our underpants down.
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00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:27,850
No offense, Nick, but...
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Ian's a little different from
you or the women you bring home.
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The... tavern folk.
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Have some respect.
They're called Uh-Ohs.
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- And I've been through a lot
of names: Pork Pals. - Mm-hmm.
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- Okay.
- Bone Cronies,
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- Right.
- C-Plussy Hussies.
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- Very reverent.
- But "Uh-Oh"
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takes it off of them
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and back onto me where it belongs.
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I made the mistake,
not them. They're great.
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You really are a prince among men, Nick.
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Aw, that's awfully nice.
I feel like I'm maturing.
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All I'm saying is that, somehow,
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Ian is even more mature than you are.
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And that's why I think he'll understand
76
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when I tell him in a mature
adult way I live with my ex
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but there's nothing to worry about.
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- Can I suggest a tweak?
- Fine.
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"I live with my ex but
there's nothing to worry about
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- because he's gay now."
- No.
81
00:03:07,290 --> 00:03:09,220
- "Because he has weeks to live."
- No.
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00:03:09,260 --> 00:03:11,260
"Because he's already dead."
83
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- What?
- Then I'll act like a ghost.
84
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No.
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(imitating ghost): Consider it.
86
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- No.
- Come on.
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That's the worst ghost
impression I've ever heard.
88
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This is the worst ghost
impression you've ever heard?
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(imitating ghost): I'm a ghost.
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00:03:25,070 --> 00:03:27,570
(scoffs) There's way worse.
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(Winston humming softly)
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Anything for me?
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00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:32,680
Oh, no, this isn't our mail.
This is our neighbors' mail.
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You see, Viv likes it alphabetized.
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Yet Michelle likes it
according to size. (chuckles)
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00:03:37,890 --> 00:03:39,090
Hashtag "go figure," right?
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00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,650
Hashtag "did you see how I rhymed?"
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I want to choke you until your eyes
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literally pop out of your head.
100
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Those girls are not
going to sleep with you.
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They are hot. And nothing is
less hot than a male secretary.
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(imitates record scratching)
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What?
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00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,770
I think somebody needs
to take a good long look
105
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,940
at Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel.
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Dude's eyes are so pouchy
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he can barely see anything,
and he's still killing it.
108
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:06,810
Girls don't have sex with
guys who sort their mail.
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I am playing the long game here, Coach,
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weaving myself into the
fabric of their lives.
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Pretty soon I'll be as permanent
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as the will that I helped them draw up.
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Oh, Winston, thank God you're here.
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The toilet won't flush.
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Did you jiggle the handle?
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No, it's not working for us.
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- Here.
- Oh.
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I'm not here to do any chores.
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You guys want to hang out tonight?
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- Sure. - Sure.
- Right on.
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Right on.
That's what's up.
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WINSTON: Coach, I really
need my stilts and a plunger!
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Eh, I don't care.
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I'm happy to lend you a bra,
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but I don't think I have
anything that would fit you.
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That's the Peter Pan.
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That'll smash 'em down good,
128
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but you'll never get those in there.
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I know. I just wanted to see
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what it would feel like to be your size.
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Are we doing, like,
a boob Freaky Friday?
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00:04:50,860 --> 00:04:54,030
Because I don't want to lug
yours around. They're a load.
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I know. That's the whole point.
That's why all the women
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in my family have
back trouble, you know?
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(groans)
136
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So, now that I have insurance though,
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I was thinking maybe I could have, like,
138
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breast reduction surgery.
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SCHMIDT (in distance): No!
140
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(footsteps running)
141
00:05:06,570 --> 00:05:09,140
(frantic knocking) I wonder who this is.
142
00:05:09,180 --> 00:05:10,940
What?
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It's a boob reduction, Schmidt.
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Just accept it.
145
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Acceptance is stage five.
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I'm grieving, Cece.
There are five stages of grief.
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Stage one was denial.
148
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:22,320
- This is not happening, this is not...
- Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
149
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:23,360
- You're not getting a boob reduction.
- Yes, I am.
150
00:05:23,390 --> 00:05:24,360
- This is not happening.
- Yes, it is.
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00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:25,690
Stage two was anger.
152
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Your breasts belong to all of us!
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Okay.
154
00:05:28,330 --> 00:05:29,430
Who are you to decide?!
155
00:05:29,460 --> 00:05:31,230
Next will be stage four, depression.
156
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And then stage five, acceptance.
157
00:05:32,930 --> 00:05:35,400
But right now, I'm firmly
planted in stage three,
158
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:36,840
bargaining.
159
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:38,910
Dear God, if you stop Cece's
breast reduction, Okay.
160
00:05:38,940 --> 00:05:41,610
- I'll circumcise Coach.
- Whoa, Coach.
161
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,410
Go out with them tonight?
Doesn't make any sense, man.
162
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,410
And compromise the long game? Ha.
163
00:05:45,450 --> 00:05:47,410
Not until I replace their
rocker switches with dimmers.
164
00:05:47,450 --> 00:05:49,550
Forget your long game,
Winston! Getting a girl
165
00:05:49,580 --> 00:05:51,550
to have sex with you is
not about planning ahead.
166
00:05:51,590 --> 00:05:53,120
It is about seizing opportunities
167
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that you never saw coming.
It is instinct.
168
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:56,660
All right? It is improv.
169
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,090
It is jazz, man.
170
00:05:58,130 --> 00:06:00,530
But with words. You dig?
And the words are,
171
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:02,160
"Oh, yeah, girl, I'm about to..."
172
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,160
(scatting loudly)
173
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:05,730
(phone vibrating)
174
00:06:05,770 --> 00:06:07,430
(humming quietly)
175
00:06:07,470 --> 00:06:09,440
(chuckles) Glen, my man,
tell me something good.
176
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,070
And you better not be trying to sell me
177
00:06:11,110 --> 00:06:13,140
some non-dimmable
halogens, you son of a...
178
00:06:13,170 --> 00:06:15,540
Where you at? Are you kidding me?
179
00:06:16,580 --> 00:06:18,080
(sighs)
180
00:06:18,110 --> 00:06:19,810
Hey, buddy.
181
00:06:19,850 --> 00:06:22,680
You know what you need to
surround yourself with tonight?
182
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,490
Four new boobs.
183
00:06:27,890 --> 00:06:29,860
On two different women?
184
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,190
You're damn right.
185
00:06:31,230 --> 00:06:32,860
Take me to them.
186
00:06:32,890 --> 00:06:34,460
(laughs)
187
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:37,200
Um, do you want to, like,
go find a bar, grab a drink?
188
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:40,270
There's a bar that I like.
189
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:43,240
It's called... my place.
190
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,840
Great. Uh, is it... You
think it'll be crowded?
191
00:06:45,870 --> 00:06:47,610
You know I'm talking
about my house, right?
192
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,180
Okay. Yeah, no, I wasn't...
I thought that was just
193
00:06:49,210 --> 00:06:50,940
- a clever name but now I do.
- No.
194
00:06:50,980 --> 00:06:53,010
And, yeah, let's go there.
195
00:06:53,050 --> 00:06:54,350
(laughs)
196
00:06:55,580 --> 00:06:57,320
Um, one thing I want to,
197
00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:59,490
uh, disclose to you in a very mature
198
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,460
adult way, I... live with my ex.
199
00:07:02,490 --> 00:07:05,460
- Okay. Uh, yeah, you live with your ex.
- Yeah.
200
00:07:05,490 --> 00:07:06,890
But also three other guys.
201
00:07:06,930 --> 00:07:08,630
It's more zany than sexy.
202
00:07:08,660 --> 00:07:10,960
Okay. So it, like,
wasn't really serious?
203
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,500
Oh, it was very serious.
204
00:07:12,530 --> 00:07:14,200
Did you say "I love you"?
205
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,400
Not until he said it. (chuckles)
206
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,340
Uh, yeah, I don't think I can do this.
207
00:07:18,370 --> 00:07:20,340
- I'm sorry. I just...
- What?
208
00:07:20,370 --> 00:07:22,580
I've been on so many weird dates lately.
I'm just looking
209
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:23,980
- for something easier.
- I... No, Ian, Ian, Ian,
210
00:07:24,010 --> 00:07:26,010
Ian, Ian, look.
211
00:07:26,050 --> 00:07:29,650
Yes, I live with my ex.
212
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,220
But there's nothing to worry about.
213
00:07:33,450 --> 00:07:34,760
Because...
214
00:07:34,790 --> 00:07:37,260
Nick. You're gay.
215
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,090
- Huh?
- You're gay.
216
00:07:38,130 --> 00:07:40,160
Be gay. Be gay. Be gay.
217
00:07:40,190 --> 00:07:41,160
Be gay?
218
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,700
Hey. (chuckles)
219
00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:44,530
I just had to make sure
these animals flushed.
220
00:07:44,570 --> 00:07:46,270
Oh. Not you, you fastidious queen.
221
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:48,740
Oh, y-you must be Nick.
222
00:07:48,770 --> 00:07:51,710
Well, friends call me Gay Nick.
223
00:07:55,870 --> 00:07:57,610
My perfect Sunday,
sitting here watching the game,
224
00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,440
eating a pot pie with a hot dude
225
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,580
with no shirt on, on my lap kissing me.
226
00:08:01,610 --> 00:08:03,750
Right on, man. Right on, man.
227
00:08:03,780 --> 00:08:05,020
- All right.
- You got it.
228
00:08:05,050 --> 00:08:06,380
(imitates explosion)
229
00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:07,750
Uh, can I use your restroom?
230
00:08:07,790 --> 00:08:09,090
Yeah. It's down the hall to the right.
231
00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:10,690
Don't worry. I won't peek.
232
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,590
- But he wants to.
- (chuckles)
233
00:08:12,620 --> 00:08:13,990
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
234
00:08:14,030 --> 00:08:15,360
I should just tell him the truth.
235
00:08:15,390 --> 00:08:16,760
It's too late for the truth, Jess.
236
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,200
You live with a gay man,
237
00:08:18,230 --> 00:08:19,630
and this gay man's
gonna help you get laid.
238
00:08:19,660 --> 00:08:22,330
- Okay. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
239
00:08:22,370 --> 00:08:23,930
Do you think you can play a gay man?
240
00:08:23,970 --> 00:08:25,770
I'm terrible at lying, I'm
terrific at make-believe.
241
00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:28,510
- Okay.
- Okay? But I need to know some backstory
242
00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:29,940
'cause it's very important to me.
243
00:08:29,970 --> 00:08:31,810
- Okay. Yeah, backstory's important.
- Okay.
244
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,340
Tell me, have I always known I was gay,
245
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,980
or did I just recently realize it?
246
00:08:35,010 --> 00:08:36,850
That's... Um, you-you
always knew you were gay,
247
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:39,050
but you grew up in an oil town
248
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,020
where masculinity was
the most valued currency.
249
00:08:41,050 --> 00:08:43,290
Um, you-you had an
older brother named Chip.
250
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,260
- And Chip was a union guy.
- Yes.
251
00:08:45,290 --> 00:08:47,060
And if it wasn't about
Teamster Local 11,
252
00:08:47,090 --> 00:08:48,630
Chip didn't want to hear about it.
253
00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:49,890
Oh, my God, we're doing this.
254
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,460
When I came out, was it flashy?
255
00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:52,930
Was it emotional?
256
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,400
Am I mad that Anderson
Cooper doesn't fly the flag?
257
00:08:55,430 --> 00:08:58,440
Or for what he's doing in his
own way... is it even braver?
258
00:08:58,470 --> 00:09:00,540
These are all really good
questions, but I just can't
259
00:09:00,570 --> 00:09:02,710
get my mind off, like,
why you dress this way.
260
00:09:02,740 --> 00:09:05,080
- Why aren't you in better shape?
- Don't put me in a box!
261
00:09:05,110 --> 00:09:07,880
There's nothing we gay men hate
more than being put in a box.
262
00:09:07,910 --> 00:09:10,650
Look, maybe I'm a bear,
maybe I'm a twinkler.
263
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,050
- That's not a category.
- I like rugby
264
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,750
for the game and for the men.
265
00:09:15,790 --> 00:09:17,520
Now, if you excuse me, I got to go do
266
00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:18,960
that gay thing I was telling you about,
267
00:09:18,990 --> 00:09:20,890
because, of course, I'm gay as hell.
268
00:09:20,930 --> 00:09:22,460
(laughs) Bye.
269
00:09:22,490 --> 00:09:23,990
(whispers): That's not how gay men talk.
270
00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:26,830
(whispers): I am shattering stereotypes.
271
00:09:28,170 --> 00:09:29,730
What are you doing here, man?
272
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:31,130
WINSTON: I'm always here.
273
00:09:31,170 --> 00:09:32,970
Very definition of the long game.
274
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,670
COACH: Forget your
long game. It doesn't...
275
00:09:34,710 --> 00:09:36,070
What is he...?
276
00:09:36,110 --> 00:09:38,610
What are you doing, man?
277
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,810
Is this...?
278
00:09:40,850 --> 00:09:43,280
Is this the fut... the future?
279
00:09:43,310 --> 00:09:45,820
I can hold them both in one hand.
280
00:09:45,850 --> 00:09:47,180
Yeah, man.
281
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:48,350
(sighs)
282
00:09:48,390 --> 00:09:50,090
No, no, there it is. Look at that.
283
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:53,590
Stage four...
depression.
284
00:09:53,620 --> 00:09:56,190
My two best friends are going away.
285
00:09:56,230 --> 00:09:58,930
Going away far too soon.
286
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,870
And if you were lucky
enough to meet them,
287
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:05,270
to touch them, to be touched by them,
288
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:07,270
you came away a better person.
289
00:10:07,310 --> 00:10:08,970
If you'll excuse me.
290
00:10:09,010 --> 00:10:10,770
Is he... is he talking about you guys?
291
00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:13,810
Yes. Yes, he is, uh...
he's talking about us.
292
00:10:13,850 --> 00:10:16,510
We are, unfortunately,
we're going away... tomorrow.
293
00:10:16,550 --> 00:10:20,180
So, uh, we better make
tonight count, huh, ladies?
294
00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:21,690
Wait.
295
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:23,290
We barely got to know you!
296
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,620
How long will you be gone?
297
00:10:25,660 --> 00:10:28,330
For... for...
298
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,330
- 44 weeks.
- 44 weeks?
299
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:31,330
Tell them about our business, man.
300
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,060
You don't have to be shy about it.
301
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,030
- Uh, right.
- No. Yeah.
302
00:10:35,070 --> 00:10:37,070
Hello. Do you like socks?
303
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:38,970
We sell socks.
304
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,340
Everybody likes socks.
305
00:10:41,370 --> 00:10:44,070
- I just cried on my penis
while I was peeing. - Whoa.
306
00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:45,510
SCHMIDT: That happened.
307
00:10:45,540 --> 00:10:47,140
I just can't stop thinking about them.
308
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:48,850
(sighs)
309
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:51,680
You know, there are some people
that are gonna say that they...
310
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,550
they look alike.
311
00:10:53,580 --> 00:10:56,220
That they're exactly the
same. And you know what?
312
00:10:56,250 --> 00:10:58,160
They just don't know
them like I know them.
313
00:10:58,190 --> 00:10:59,860
Truth-truth be told?
314
00:10:59,890 --> 00:11:01,360
One of them...
315
00:11:01,390 --> 00:11:03,830
One of them is slightly
more brown than the other.
316
00:11:03,860 --> 00:11:05,560
And they're so unique,
317
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,930
and they're so special.
318
00:11:07,970 --> 00:11:09,630
You know what I'm gonna
miss most about them?
319
00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:12,500
Watching them bounce.
320
00:11:12,540 --> 00:11:14,270
Watching them...
321
00:11:14,310 --> 00:11:16,310
Watching them bounce.
322
00:11:24,820 --> 00:11:26,850
If you just give me a chance to exp...
323
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:29,450
Well, easy come, easy go.
324
00:11:29,490 --> 00:11:32,260
Easy? Easy?!
325
00:11:32,290 --> 00:11:35,460
You just stole six
months of my life, man.
326
00:11:35,490 --> 00:11:39,030
I am... I am P.O.'d, hombre!
327
00:11:39,060 --> 00:11:40,630
Winston!
328
00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:43,470
- Can I get a high five?
- Bam.
329
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:45,070
(laughs)
330
00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:46,940
Sorry I called you a biscuit.
331
00:11:46,970 --> 00:11:48,640
I'm sorry I liked it so much. (laughs)
332
00:11:48,670 --> 00:11:50,710
(knocking) NICK: Hey,
Jess, you in there?
333
00:11:50,740 --> 00:11:52,140
Is that Nick?
334
00:11:52,180 --> 00:11:53,610
Do you mean Gay Nick?
335
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,250
Yeah, that's Gay Nick.
336
00:11:57,850 --> 00:11:59,750
- I am so sorry.
- What's going on?
337
00:11:59,780 --> 00:12:02,150
I screwed up. (door opens)
338
00:12:05,820 --> 00:12:07,220
- A girl, Nick?
- I know.
339
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,590
Nick, really?
340
00:12:08,630 --> 00:12:10,430
(laughs): Hey.
341
00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:12,660
(laughs)
342
00:12:14,530 --> 00:12:16,830
You look like my dead friend Karen.
343
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:19,340
- Does anyone ever tell you that?
- Hmm, no.
344
00:12:19,370 --> 00:12:21,270
- Thank you.
- Mm.
345
00:12:22,510 --> 00:12:24,340
(door closes) What?!
346
00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:26,410
I wanted to be gay
for you, I really did,
347
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:28,250
but it's a very hard time to be gay.
348
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,350
Girls are wearing scarves and boots.
349
00:12:30,380 --> 00:12:32,020
They have so many layers to them.
350
00:12:32,050 --> 00:12:34,450
What is underneath all those
layers? I want to find out!
351
00:12:34,490 --> 00:12:36,290
Are you blaming autumn?
352
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,660
Look, it was one night. Get rid of her!
353
00:12:38,690 --> 00:12:41,260
I tried. I told her I live
with my ex, and she didn't care.
354
00:12:41,290 --> 00:12:43,190
You look so cute in
the morning. (laughs)
355
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:45,030
You talking to me or her? (laughter)
356
00:12:45,060 --> 00:12:47,600
(door closes) Okay. I'll get rid of her.
357
00:12:47,630 --> 00:12:49,570
I'll just pretend to be
your crazy ex-girlfriend.
358
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,500
I can do this. I did a one-woman
production of A Christmas Carol.
359
00:12:52,540 --> 00:12:55,440
(British accent): You,
sir, what day is it?
360
00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:57,640
Aye, it's Christmas day.
361
00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:00,280
That was not good.
362
00:13:00,310 --> 00:13:02,810
- It was perfect.
- Thank you. I thought you'd think that.
363
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:04,280
- Yeah, it's perfect.
- All right, look,
364
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:05,820
you stay here and keep
your gay warm, okay?
365
00:13:05,850 --> 00:13:08,220
In case Ian comes
back. Also, can we agree
366
00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:10,350
that this is not the most
mature way to handle things?
367
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:11,460
Even though it's pretty fun.
368
00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:13,020
It's no fun a couple Bellinis
369
00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:15,230
and a round of apples
to apples can't solve.
370
00:13:15,260 --> 00:13:17,290
- What kind of gay are you?
- I'm still finding it.
371
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:18,730
- All right.
- All right.
372
00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:23,370
Nick thinks we're broken up,
but he also thinks
373
00:13:23,550 --> 00:13:25,690
that the last girl he slept
with wasn't me in a wig.
374
00:13:25,850 --> 00:13:27,260
(laughs)
375
00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:29,430
Wigs are so good for tricking guys.
376
00:13:30,470 --> 00:13:32,770
I'm around all the time.
377
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:35,100
Do you really want to get
yourself in this situation?
378
00:13:35,140 --> 00:13:38,310
My last boyfriend was,
like, honestly in his 80s.
379
00:13:38,340 --> 00:13:41,440
I was just like, "Don't die, Myron."
380
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,810
Does that answer your question?
381
00:13:43,850 --> 00:13:45,480
Tell me everything you did sexually!
382
00:13:45,510 --> 00:13:47,380
Everything! All of it, or leave!
383
00:13:47,420 --> 00:13:48,720
- I put my finger...
- Stop!
384
00:13:48,750 --> 00:13:50,080
- But you asked...
- No.
385
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,250
I-I did, but it backfired.
386
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:53,750
WINSTON: Ah, so it is
387
00:13:53,790 --> 00:13:55,620
load bearing, huh?
388
00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:57,090
What are you doing?
389
00:13:57,130 --> 00:13:59,860
Me? Oh, well, first, I'm
putting up the shelves.
390
00:13:59,890 --> 00:14:01,660
Then I got to finish the floor,
391
00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:04,400
so that the shelves can
appear level, then the ceiling.
392
00:14:04,430 --> 00:14:07,130
Enough! All right? You've
done enough for these women.
393
00:14:07,170 --> 00:14:09,170
Look, ladies, I tried to manipulate you,
394
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:10,870
and I am sorry about that, but
395
00:14:10,910 --> 00:14:13,370
you guys have been manipulating
my friend for months.
396
00:14:13,410 --> 00:14:16,580
It is not okay. Just dangling
sex like a little carrot.
397
00:14:16,610 --> 00:14:19,150
We are not using sex to
get Winston to do stuff.
398
00:14:19,180 --> 00:14:20,150
No.
399
00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:23,220
- Wait. You're not?
- No.
400
00:14:23,250 --> 00:14:24,380
Well, then he's done doing stuff.
401
00:14:24,420 --> 00:14:26,490
Come on, Winston.
You're better than this.
402
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:28,290
Forget you guys.
403
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:29,320
Wait!
404
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,660
Yeah, just-just give us a minute.
405
00:14:31,690 --> 00:14:33,460
- Okay, we have to talk about...
- Okay.
406
00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:35,660
- What are they whispering about?
- I don't know.
407
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:37,060
We could just stack the books.
408
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,500
No... No.
409
00:14:38,530 --> 00:14:40,630
Oh, man, this is embarrassing.
410
00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:44,170
Uh...
411
00:14:44,210 --> 00:14:46,570
Okay. It's me.
412
00:14:46,610 --> 00:14:48,010
Come on.
413
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:49,040
What?
414
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,210
Wait. Listen. Um...
415
00:14:51,250 --> 00:14:52,280
Michelle, you don't have to do this.
416
00:14:52,310 --> 00:14:53,510
That's okay. I kind of want to.
417
00:14:53,550 --> 00:14:55,750
Just, uh, keep the
pencil behind your ear,
418
00:14:55,780 --> 00:14:59,620
and bring the hard hat,
um, and the safety goggles.
419
00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:05,730
(whispers): Long game.
420
00:15:10,060 --> 00:15:12,030
(sighs)
421
00:15:12,070 --> 00:15:14,230
Wonder what's taking, uh, Jess so long.
422
00:15:14,270 --> 00:15:15,700
Well, you know women.
423
00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:17,100
What's women?
424
00:15:17,140 --> 00:15:18,340
(laughs)
425
00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:23,210
- (laughs): Am I right?
- "What's women?"
426
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,810
I just don't know them like
you know them, is my point.
427
00:15:25,850 --> 00:15:27,050
Uh-huh.
428
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:30,920
Uh, so, what kind of
guys do you like to date?
429
00:15:30,950 --> 00:15:32,150
Me? All kinds.
430
00:15:32,190 --> 00:15:33,620
Yeah.
431
00:15:33,660 --> 00:15:37,660
Hunks. If I can get my, uh,
paws on a hunk, I don't let go.
432
00:15:37,690 --> 00:15:40,130
Uh, ripped nerds.
433
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,460
'Cause they're smart
but strong, I guess.
434
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:44,330
- Uh-huh.
- I like Spanish guys.
435
00:15:44,370 --> 00:15:46,770
Throw in a little, uh,
hint of German in there,
436
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,400
there's a perfect combo.
437
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:49,740
Okay.
438
00:15:49,770 --> 00:15:51,870
Certain ice cream men, I guess.
439
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:54,310
Carpet steamers. Sleepy guys.
440
00:15:54,340 --> 00:15:57,180
Uh, we in the gay community
call them "drowsers."
441
00:15:57,210 --> 00:15:58,680
Why would you like a sleepy guy?
442
00:15:58,710 --> 00:16:00,850
Look... I'm so out of the game...
443
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,080
I'm in a relationship.
444
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,420
Um...
445
00:16:03,450 --> 00:16:04,990
he's got a nice penis.
446
00:16:05,020 --> 00:16:06,990
You're sweating a lot.
447
00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:08,690
That's what he said! Am I right?
448
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:10,120
(laughs)
449
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:13,430
I'm a sweaty lover,
is what he says to me.
450
00:16:13,460 --> 00:16:15,260
Okay, you know, you
really don't seem gay.
451
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:17,500
I don't buy it.
452
00:16:18,870 --> 00:16:21,640
Hey. Not now.
453
00:16:21,670 --> 00:16:23,370
Probably wondering why I
didn't come home last night.
454
00:16:23,410 --> 00:16:26,470
Just needed some space to
process this whole thing.
455
00:16:26,510 --> 00:16:28,210
I'm sorry if our room felt empty.
456
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:31,150
(sighs)
457
00:16:31,180 --> 00:16:32,880
Well, it did.
458
00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:34,550
I was really worried about you.
459
00:16:34,580 --> 00:16:36,750
So where were you?
You owe me that much.
460
00:16:36,790 --> 00:16:39,390
I just went walking on
the streets last night.
461
00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:41,720
I needed to come to terms with all this.
462
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,660
Ended up in a park.
I know that's stupid,
463
00:16:44,690 --> 00:16:45,990
but I promise I was careful.
464
00:16:46,030 --> 00:16:47,360
I mean, I was totally safe.
465
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:48,630
A park?
466
00:16:48,660 --> 00:16:50,560
- I don't know, man.
- Hey,
467
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,100
I'm upset... but I understand.
468
00:16:53,130 --> 00:16:54,740
It's okay.
469
00:16:54,770 --> 00:16:55,900
Come here.
470
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,240
Come here.
471
00:16:59,270 --> 00:17:01,040
(sighs) There, there.
472
00:17:05,110 --> 00:17:06,550
Thanks.
473
00:17:06,580 --> 00:17:07,310
Yeah.
474
00:17:07,350 --> 00:17:09,250
Acceptance. Wow.
475
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,050
Yeah.
476
00:17:12,220 --> 00:17:14,220
Give me a kiss.
477
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,690
Just give me a kiss.
478
00:17:17,730 --> 00:17:19,060
All right?
479
00:17:22,530 --> 00:17:24,770
I felt like you needed
that more than I did.
480
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,030
(sighs)
481
00:17:27,070 --> 00:17:28,740
You're scruff, by the way, is perfect.
482
00:17:28,770 --> 00:17:31,040
- Don't touch your beard trimming setting.
- Okay.
483
00:17:32,070 --> 00:17:33,540
- Take it easy.
- Okay.
484
00:17:35,110 --> 00:17:36,580
That was beautiful.
485
00:17:36,610 --> 00:17:37,850
I'm-I'm sorry, you know?
486
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,710
I think I'm just more used to, like,
487
00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:41,380
stereotypical gay guys,
like him, you know?
488
00:17:41,420 --> 00:17:43,220
- You offended me.
- I'm sorry.
489
00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:46,520
Ian! Ian! Hi. There are some
events that are about to occur
490
00:17:46,550 --> 00:17:47,790
that I'd like to get ahead of.
491
00:17:47,820 --> 00:17:49,660
Um, the truth is that Nick is...
492
00:17:49,690 --> 00:17:51,560
Oh, God.
493
00:17:53,460 --> 00:17:54,960
Get off of me!
494
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:56,730
You're not a man!
495
00:18:01,420 --> 00:18:04,480
Ian! Wait. I'm so sorry I lied,
496
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:06,790
and you don't owe me
anything, but could I just
497
00:18:06,820 --> 00:18:08,550
ask you one thing before you leave?
498
00:18:08,590 --> 00:18:10,220
- What is this, an exit interview?
- Is there any good way
499
00:18:10,260 --> 00:18:12,960
I could have told you
about my living situation?
500
00:18:12,990 --> 00:18:15,630
Okay, you know what?
Fair question. Um... no!
501
00:18:15,660 --> 00:18:17,600
Look, Nick was just
trying to help me. Clearly,
502
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,830
he would do anything for
you. I mean, he went so far
503
00:18:19,870 --> 00:18:22,200
as to hire an actual gay man
to play his cheating lover.
504
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,340
What? Oh, my God. You know what?
505
00:18:25,370 --> 00:18:26,740
I think that was Schmidt.
506
00:18:26,770 --> 00:18:28,410
He's... not gay.
507
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,440
When are the lies gonna stop?!
508
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:31,840
Now, this is just a consultation,
509
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:33,250
so do your best to relax.
510
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:34,250
Okay.
511
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,250
Stop the surgery!
512
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,120
This is just a consultation.
513
00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:39,320
May we have the room, please?
514
00:18:39,350 --> 00:18:41,350
That's what it's here for.
515
00:18:41,390 --> 00:18:42,260
I'm sorry.
516
00:18:45,790 --> 00:18:47,530
- What are you doing?!
- Okay, look, I know
517
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:50,230
I can't stop this, and I accept that,
518
00:18:50,260 --> 00:18:52,030
but I just wanted to stop it long enough
519
00:18:52,070 --> 00:18:53,500
so that I could say good-bye.
520
00:18:53,530 --> 00:18:57,270
Aw. Look, this is a
low-risk procedure, okay?
521
00:18:57,300 --> 00:18:58,910
I'm gonna be fine.
522
00:18:58,940 --> 00:19:01,040
Oh, you meant say good-bye to my boobs.
523
00:19:01,070 --> 00:19:02,640
I forgot who I was talking to.
524
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,210
No, Schmidt, you cannot see my boobs.
525
00:19:05,250 --> 00:19:07,310
I need to look them in the
eyes. I can't let them leave
526
00:19:07,350 --> 00:19:09,080
without knowing how
much they've meant to me.
527
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:10,350
- I'll let them know.
- No.
528
00:19:10,380 --> 00:19:12,320
I need to tell them myself.
529
00:19:12,350 --> 00:19:14,720
(groans) All right...
530
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,460
you can say good-bye to one, all right?
531
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,160
- I mean, j-just one?
- One.
532
00:19:19,190 --> 00:19:21,860
(sighs) Gosh almighty.
533
00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:24,230
The Ultimate Sophie's Cho-Cho.
534
00:19:24,260 --> 00:19:26,170
I mean, there's Harold, who's just...
535
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,230
full of life...
536
00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:29,570
(groans)
537
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:32,570
(sighs) And Kumar, who's shy.
538
00:19:32,610 --> 00:19:35,640
Who's shy, but yet
surprisingly so brave.
539
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,710
But, you know, who wouldn't be
with a best friend like Harold?
540
00:19:38,750 --> 00:19:40,250
Oh, my God, fine!
541
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,050
You can say good-bye to both, okay?
542
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,480
- Okay. I need you to put these on.
- What?
543
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:48,090
This is a private conversation
that doesn't concern you.
544
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:49,520
The playlist...
545
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:51,390
matches the mood.
546
00:19:51,430 --> 00:19:53,830
("Canon in D" playing)
547
00:20:25,190 --> 00:20:26,390
(music fades)
548
00:20:26,430 --> 00:20:28,290
I mean, I guess if I'm being honest,
549
00:20:28,330 --> 00:20:31,100
it doesn't matter what size you are.
550
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:32,970
I'm always gonna love you,
551
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,270
because you're attached to
the most beautiful person
552
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,900
in the whole world.
553
00:20:36,940 --> 00:20:38,540
(music resumes)
554
00:20:42,940 --> 00:20:44,880
You know what I think? I think
555
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:47,250
that when people go on dates with us,
556
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,510
probably talk to their friends
557
00:20:48,550 --> 00:20:49,880
and their friends say,
558
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,150
"You go on dates with a lot of weirdos."
559
00:20:52,190 --> 00:20:53,650
(shower running) Oh, my God.
560
00:20:53,690 --> 00:20:56,560
We're the weirdo ass clowns.
561
00:20:56,590 --> 00:20:59,890
Aw, no. Everyone in their 30s
waits in line for the shower.
562
00:20:59,930 --> 00:21:03,800
I'm sorry, but the truth is,
as long as you live with me,
563
00:21:03,830 --> 00:21:05,730
you're not gonna meet a normal guy.
564
00:21:05,770 --> 00:21:06,900
(Jess chuckles)
565
00:21:06,930 --> 00:21:08,900
Why are you guys all in here?
566
00:21:08,940 --> 00:21:10,640
Winston's taking a long-ass shower.
567
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:11,800
Poor guy gets dirty.
568
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,010
All right, let me see the new.
569
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:14,170
I accept it.
570
00:21:14,210 --> 00:21:15,940
Again, it was just a consultation.
571
00:21:15,980 --> 00:21:18,510
And actually, I don't even know
if I'm gonna go through with it.
572
00:21:18,550 --> 00:21:20,450
You're still here. I saved you.
573
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:22,150
I'm your Schindler.
One day, your children
574
00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:24,020
are gonna put rocks on my grave.
575
00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:26,750
Hey, uh, wow. You guys
mind if I get cuts?
576
00:21:26,790 --> 00:21:29,160
- 'Cause I am very dirty.
- Wait a minute.
577
00:21:29,190 --> 00:21:30,160
Who's in the sh...
578
00:21:30,190 --> 00:21:31,860
Hey, what's the vibe here
579
00:21:31,890 --> 00:21:33,030
on shower pee-pee?
580
00:21:33,060 --> 00:21:34,860
I'm just trying to plan my day.
581
00:21:34,900 --> 00:21:36,730
Who is this woman?!
582
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:38,870
You have awesome water pressure.
583
00:21:38,900 --> 00:21:42,670
You should see what's
falling out of my hair.
584
00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:44,200
Well, Nick...
585
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,340
looks like you're
gonna have to marry her.
586
00:21:46,370 --> 00:21:48,490
- It's looking that way, isn't it?
- Yeah.
587
00:21:49,330 --> 00:21:51,180
- She's not so bad.
- She's peeing in the shower.
588
00:21:51,220 --> 00:21:53,660
- Yeah, she is.
- (laughs) That's weird.
589
00:21:53,980 --> 00:21:55,120
Classic Tina.