Gentlemen!
Three months ago I bravely reentered the dating pool,
and how has this city rewarded me?
With an endless parade of weirdo ass clowns.
Hard to say who was the worst.
- Comedy magician. - This guy with the little ding dang.
- The lion tamer. - Never went out with a lion tamer.
I am having some vivid dreams.
The point is Ian has asked me out on a third date,
and this is the biggest compliment I could give.
I want to go. Because I like him.
- Booh! - That's not a reason.
And frankly it's been a while,
and the third date is where, # mama gets her biscuit. #
(chuckles)
- Mama gets her biscuit. - I don't understand.
- It's sex. - Oh!
- Yeah! - Now, that's a reason!
Anyway, I'm bringing him home tonight,
so let's keep those toilets flushed.
That means stick around. Take a second look.
How'd you tell Ian about the fun surprise that you still live with your ex?
All right.
Well, I haven't told him yet.
Uh, tricky conversation.
I'm thinking of something simple like,
"Hey, Ian, I live with my ex."
No. No, no. When a guy hears that, he is going to
run through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man.
Here's a fun idea. You can put a hat on him with antlers.
This way, the hole he makes in the wall will make us all smile.
Nick brings home girls all the time.
- There's no problem. - No complaints here.
It'll make you forget every botanical garden
you've ever seen.
I live with my ex-girlfriend.
And after the farmer's market...
I live with my ex.
Let's have sex again.
I live with my ex.
(sighs)
Damn it. Too quick.
Hey, if you're looking to scare somebody off,
it's basically a gold mine.
Nobody cares that we're exes who live together.
(groans) I got to go.
Okay, that doesn't prove anything.
Just for the record, I'm leaving 'cause you live with your ex.
It's gross. And disgusting.
And I'm gonna steal some stuff.
Take what you want, honey.
COACH: We don't read those anymore.
(door closes)
Nick, who are these girls?
They're not the best.
Jess, guys hate complicated situations.
We want the path of least resistance.
There's a flap in our underwear because we are too lazy
to pull our underpants down.
No offense, Nick, but...
Ian's a little different from you or the women you bring home.
The... tavern folk.
Have some respect. They're called Uh-Ohs.
- And I've been through a lot of names: Pork Pals. - Mm-hmm.
- Okay. - Bone Cronies,
- Right. - C-Plussy Hussies.
- Very reverent. - But "Uh-Oh"
takes it off of them
and back onto me where it belongs.
I made the mistake, not them. They're great.
You really are a prince among men, Nick.
Aw, that's awfully nice. I feel like I'm maturing.
All I'm saying is that, somehow,
Ian is even more mature than you are.
And that's why I think he'll understand
when I tell him in a mature adult way I live with my ex
but there's nothing to worry about.
- Can I suggest a tweak? - Fine.
"I live with my ex but there's nothing to worry about
- because he's gay now." - No.
- "Because he has weeks to live." - No.
"Because he's already dead."
- What? - Then I'll act like a ghost.
No.
(imitating ghost): Consider it.
- No. - Come on.
That's the worst ghost impression I've ever heard.
This is the worst ghost impression you've ever heard?
(imitating ghost): I'm a ghost.
(scoffs) There's way worse.
(Winston humming softly)
Anything for me?
Oh, no, this isn't our mail. This is our neighbors' mail.
You see, Viv likes it alphabetized.
Yet Michelle likes it according to size. (chuckles)
Hashtag "go figure," right?
Hashtag "did you see how I rhymed?"
I want to choke you until your eyes
literally pop out of your head.
Those girls are not going to sleep with you.
They are hot. And nothing is less hot than a male secretary.
(imitates record scratching)
What?
I think somebody needs to take a good long look
at Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel.
Dude's eyes are so pouchy
he can barely see anything, and he's still killing it.
Girls don't have sex with guys who sort their mail.
I am playing the long game here, Coach,
weaving myself into the fabric of their lives.
Pretty soon I'll be as permanent
as the will that I helped them draw up.
Oh, Winston, thank God you're here.
The toilet won't flush.
Did you jiggle the handle?
No, it's not working for us.
- Here. - Oh.
I'm not here to do any chores.
You guys want to hang out tonight?
- Sure. - Sure. - Right on.
Right on. That's what's up.
WINSTON: Coach, I really need my stilts and a plunger!
Eh, I don't care.
I'm happy to lend you a bra,
but I don't think I have anything that would fit you.
That's the Peter Pan.
That'll smash 'em down good,
but you'll never get those in there.
I know. I just wanted to see
what it would feel like to be your size.
Are we doing, like, a boob Freaky Friday?
Because I don't want to lug yours around. They're a load.
I know. That's the whole point. That's why all the women
in my family have back trouble, you know?
(groans)
So, now that I have insurance though,
I was thinking maybe I could have, like,
breast reduction surgery.
SCHMIDT (in distance): No!
(footsteps running)
(frantic knocking) I wonder who this is.
What?
It's a boob reduction, Schmidt.
Just accept it.
Acceptance is stage five.
I'm grieving, Cece. There are five stages of grief.
Stage one was denial.
- This is not happening, this is not... - Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
- You're not getting a boob reduction. - Yes, I am.
- This is not happening. - Yes, it is.
Stage two was anger.
Your breasts belong to all of us!
Okay.
Who are you to decide?!
Next will be stage four, depression.
And then stage five, acceptance.
But right now, I'm firmly planted in stage three,
bargaining.
Dear God, if you stop Cece's breast reduction, Okay.
- I'll circumcise Coach. - Whoa, Coach.
Go out with them tonight? Doesn't make any sense, man.
And compromise the long game? Ha.
Not until I replace their rocker switches with dimmers.
Forget your long game, Winston! Getting a girl
to have sex with you is not about planning ahead.
It is about seizing opportunities
that you never saw coming. It is instinct.
All right? It is improv.
It is jazz, man.
But with words. You dig? And the words are,
"Oh, yeah, girl, I'm about to..."
(scatting loudly)
(phone vibrating)
(humming quietly)
(chuckles) Glen, my man, tell me something good.
And you better not be trying to sell me
some non-dimmable halogens, you son of a...
Where you at? Are you kidding me?
(sighs)
Hey, buddy.
You know what you need to surround yourself with tonight?
Four new boobs.
On two different women?
You're damn right.
Take me to them.
(laughs)
Um, do you want to, like, go find a bar, grab a drink?
There's a bar that I like.
It's called... my place.
Great. Uh, is it... You think it'll be crowded?
You know I'm talking about my house, right?
Okay. Yeah, no, I wasn't... I thought that was just
- a clever name but now I do. - No.
And, yeah, let's go there.
(laughs)
Um, one thing I want to,
uh, disclose to you in a very mature
adult way, I... live with my ex.
- Okay. Uh, yeah, you live with your ex. - Yeah.
But also three other guys.
It's more zany than sexy.
Okay. So it, like, wasn't really serious?
Oh, it was very serious.
Did you say "I love you"?
Not until he said it. (chuckles)
Uh, yeah, I don't think I can do this.
- I'm sorry. I just... - What?
I've been on so many weird dates lately. I'm just looking
- for something easier. - I... No, Ian, Ian, Ian,
Ian, Ian, look.
Yes, I live with my ex.
But there's nothing to worry about.
Because...
Nick. You're gay.
- Huh? - You're gay.
Be gay. Be gay. Be gay.
Be gay?
Hey. (chuckles)
I just had to make sure these animals flushed.
Oh. Not you, you fastidious queen.
Oh, y-you must be Nick.
Well, friends call me Gay Nick.
My perfect Sunday, sitting here watching the game,
eating a pot pie with a hot dude
with no shirt on, on my lap kissing me.
Right on, man. Right on, man.
- All right. - You got it.
(imitates explosion)
Uh, can I use your restroom?
Yeah. It's down the hall to the right.
Don't worry. I won't peek.
- But he wants to. - (chuckles)
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
I should just tell him the truth.
It's too late for the truth, Jess.
You live with a gay man,
and this gay man's gonna help you get laid.
- Okay. Thank you. - You're welcome.
Do you think you can play a gay man?
I'm terrible at lying, I'm terrific at make-believe.
- Okay. - Okay? But I need to know some backstory
'cause it's very important to me.
- Okay. Yeah, backstory's important. - Okay.
Tell me, have I always known I was gay,
or did I just recently realize it?
That's... Um, you-you always knew you were gay,
but you grew up in an oil town
where masculinity was the most valued currency.
Um, you-you had an older brother named Chip.
- And Chip was a union guy. - Yes.
And if it wasn't about Teamster Local 11,
Chip didn't want to hear about it.
Oh, my God, we're doing this.
When I came out, was it flashy?
Was it emotional?
Am I mad that Anderson Cooper doesn't fly the flag?
Or for what he's doing in his own way... is it even braver?
These are all really good questions, but I just can't
get my mind off, like, why you dress this way.
- Why aren't you in better shape? - Don't put me in a box!
There's nothing we gay men hate more than being put in a box.
Look, maybe I'm a bear, maybe I'm a twinkler.
- That's not a category. - I like rugby
for the game and for the men.
Now, if you excuse me, I got to go do
that gay thing I was telling you about,
because, of course, I'm gay as hell.
(laughs) Bye.
(whispers): That's not how gay men talk.
(whispers): I am shattering stereotypes.
What are you doing here, man?
WINSTON: I'm always here.
Very definition of the long game.
COACH: Forget your long game. It doesn't...
What is he...?
What are you doing, man?
Is this...?
Is this the fut... the future?
I can hold them both in one hand.
Yeah, man.
(sighs)
No, no, there it is. Look at that.
Stage four... depression.
My two best friends are going away.
Going away far too soon.
And if you were lucky enough to meet them,
to touch them, to be touched by them,
you came away a better person.
If you'll excuse me.
Is he... is he talking about you guys?
Yes. Yes, he is, uh... he's talking about us.
We are, unfortunately, we're going away... tomorrow.
So, uh, we better make tonight count, huh, ladies?
Wait.
We barely got to know you!
How long will you be gone?
For... for...
- 44 weeks. - 44 weeks?
Tell them about our business, man.
You don't have to be shy about it.
- Uh, right. - No. Yeah.
Hello. Do you like socks?
We sell socks.
Everybody likes socks.
- I just cried on my penis while I was peeing. - Whoa.
SCHMIDT: That happened.
I just can't stop thinking about them.
(sighs)
You know, there are some people that are gonna say that they...
they look alike.
That they're exactly the same. And you know what?
They just don't know them like I know them.
Truth-truth be told?
One of them...
One of them is slightly more brown than the other.
And they're so unique,
and they're so special.
You know what I'm gonna miss most about them?
Watching them bounce.
Watching them...
Watching them bounce.
If you just give me a chance to exp...
Well, easy come, easy go.
Easy? Easy?!
You just stole six months of my life, man.
I am... I am P.O.'d, hombre!
Winston!
- Can I get a high five? - Bam.
(laughs)
Sorry I called you a biscuit.
I'm sorry I liked it so much. (laughs)
(knocking) NICK: Hey, Jess, you in there?
Is that Nick?
Do you mean Gay Nick?
Yeah, that's Gay Nick.
- I am so sorry. - What's going on?
I screwed up. (door opens)
- A girl, Nick? - I know.
Nick, really?
(laughs): Hey.
(laughs)
You look like my dead friend Karen.
- Does anyone ever tell you that? - Hmm, no.
- Thank you. - Mm.
(door closes) What?!
I wanted to be gay for you, I really did,
but it's a very hard time to be gay.
Girls are wearing scarves and boots.
They have so many layers to them.
What is underneath all those layers? I want to find out!
Are you blaming autumn?
Look, it was one night. Get rid of her!
I tried. I told her I live with my ex, and she didn't care.
You look so cute in the morning. (laughs)
You talking to me or her? (laughter)
(door closes) Okay. I'll get rid of her.
I'll just pretend to be your crazy ex-girlfriend.
I can do this. I did a one-woman production of A Christmas Carol.
(British accent): You, sir, what day is it?
Aye, it's Christmas day.
That was not good.
- It was perfect. - Thank you. I thought you'd think that.
- Yeah, it's perfect. - All right, look,
you stay here and keep your gay warm, okay?
In case Ian comes back. Also, can we agree
that this is not the most mature way to handle things?
Even though it's pretty fun.
It's no fun a couple Bellinis
and a round of apples to apples can't solve.
- What kind of gay are you? - I'm still finding it.
- All right. - All right.
Nick thinks we're broken up, but he also thinks
that the last girl he slept with wasn't me in a wig.
(laughs)
Wigs are so good for tricking guys.
I'm around all the time.
Do you really want to get yourself in this situation?
My last boyfriend was, like, honestly in his 80s.
I was just like, "Don't die, Myron."
Does that answer your question?
Tell me everything you did sexually!
Everything! All of it, or leave!
- I put my finger... - Stop!
- But you asked... - No.
I-I did, but it backfired.
WINSTON: Ah, so it is
load bearing, huh?
What are you doing?
Me? Oh, well, first, I'm putting up the shelves.
Then I got to finish the floor,
so that the shelves can appear level, then the ceiling.
Enough! All right? You've done enough for these women.
Look, ladies, I tried to manipulate you,
and I am sorry about that, but
you guys have been manipulating my friend for months.
It is not okay. Just dangling sex like a little carrot.
We are not using sex to get Winston to do stuff.
No.
- Wait. You're not? - No.
Well, then he's done doing stuff.
Come on, Winston. You're better than this.
Forget you guys.
Wait!
Yeah, just-just give us a minute.
- Okay, we have to talk about... - Okay.
- What are they whispering about? - I don't know.
We could just stack the books.
No... No.
Oh, man, this is embarrassing.
Uh...
Okay. It's me.
Come on.
What?
Wait. Listen. Um...
Michelle, you don't have to do this.
That's okay. I kind of want to.
Just, uh, keep the pencil behind your ear,
and bring the hard hat, um, and the safety goggles.
(whispers): Long game.
(sighs)
Wonder what's taking, uh, Jess so long.
Well, you know women.
What's women?
(laughs)
- (laughs): Am I right? - "What's women?"
I just don't know them like you know them, is my point.
Uh-huh.
Uh, so, what kind of guys do you like to date?
Me? All kinds.
Yeah.
Hunks. If I can get my, uh, paws on a hunk, I don't let go.
Uh, ripped nerds.
'Cause they're smart but strong, I guess.
- Uh-huh. - I like Spanish guys.
Throw in a little, uh, hint of German in there,
there's a perfect combo.
Okay.
Certain ice cream men, I guess.
Carpet steamers. Sleepy guys.
Uh, we in the gay community call them "drowsers."
Why would you like a sleepy guy?
Look... I'm so out of the game...
I'm in a relationship.
Um...
he's got a nice penis.
You're sweating a lot.
That's what he said! Am I right?
(laughs)
I'm a sweaty lover, is what he says to me.
Okay, you know, you really don't seem gay.
I don't buy it.
Hey. Not now.
Probably wondering why I didn't come home last night.
Just needed some space to process this whole thing.
I'm sorry if our room felt empty.
(sighs)
Well, it did.
I was really worried about you.
So where were you? You owe me that much.
I just went walking on the streets last night.
I needed to come to terms with all this.
Ended up in a park. I know that's stupid,
but I promise I was careful.
I mean, I was totally safe.
A park?
- I don't know, man. - Hey,
I'm upset... but I understand.
It's okay.
Come here.
(sighs) There, there.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Acceptance. Wow.
Yeah.
Give me a kiss.
Just give me a kiss.
All right?
I felt like you needed that more than I did.
(sighs)
You're scruff, by the way, is perfect.
- Don't touch your beard trimming setting. - Okay.
- Take it easy. - Okay.
That was beautiful.
I'm-I'm sorry, you know?
I think I'm just more used to, like,
stereotypical gay guys, like him, you know?
- You offended me. - I'm sorry.
Ian! Ian! Hi. There are some events that are about to occur
that I'd like to get ahead of.
Um, the truth is that Nick is...
Oh, God.
Get off of me!
You're not a man!
Ian! Wait. I'm so sorry I lied,
and you don't owe me anything, but could I just
ask you one thing before you leave?
- What is this, an exit interview? - Is there any good way
I could have told you about my living situation?
Okay, you know what? Fair question. Um... no!
Look, Nick was just trying to help me. Clearly,
he would do anything for you. I mean, he went so far
as to hire an actual gay man to play his cheating lover.
What? Oh, my God. You know what?
I think that was Schmidt.
He's... not gay.
When are the lies gonna stop?!
Now, this is just a consultation,
so do your best to relax.
Okay.
Stop the surgery!
This is just a consultation.
May we have the room, please?
That's what it's here for.
I'm sorry.
- What are you doing?! - Okay, look, I know
I can't stop this, and I accept that,
but I just wanted to stop it long enough
so that I could say good-bye.
Aw. Look, this is a low-risk procedure, okay?
I'm gonna be fine.
Oh, you meant say good-bye to my boobs.
I forgot who I was talking to.
No, Schmidt, you cannot see my boobs.
I need to look them in the eyes. I can't let them leave
without knowing how much they've meant to me.
- I'll let them know. - No.
I need to tell them myself.
(groans) All right...
you can say good-bye to one, all right?
- I mean, j-just one? - One.
(sighs) Gosh almighty.
The Ultimate Sophie's Cho-Cho.
I mean, there's Harold, who's just...
full of life...
(groans)
(sighs) And Kumar, who's shy.
Who's shy, but yet surprisingly so brave.
But, you know, who wouldn't be with a best friend like Harold?
Oh, my God, fine!
You can say good-bye to both, okay?
- Okay. I need you to put these on. - What?
This is a private conversation that doesn't concern you.
The playlist...
matches the mood.
("Canon in D" playing)
(music fades)
I mean, I guess if I'm being honest,
it doesn't matter what size you are.
I'm always gonna love you,
because you're attached to the most beautiful person
in the whole world.
(music resumes)
You know what I think? I think
that when people go on dates with us,
probably talk to their friends
and their friends say,
"You go on dates with a lot of weirdos."
(shower running) Oh, my God.
We're the weirdo ass clowns.
Aw, no. Everyone in their 30s waits in line for the shower.
I'm sorry, but the truth is, as long as you live with me,
you're not gonna meet a normal guy.
(Jess chuckles)
Why are you guys all in here?
Winston's taking a long-ass shower.
Poor guy gets dirty.
All right, let me see the new.
I accept it.
Again, it was just a consultation.
And actually, I don't even know if I'm gonna go through with it.
You're still here. I saved you.
I'm your Schindler. One day, your children
are gonna put rocks on my grave.
Hey, uh, wow. You guys mind if I get cuts?
- 'Cause I am very dirty. - Wait a minute.
Who's in the sh...
Hey, what's the vibe here
on shower pee-pee?
I'm just trying to plan my day.
Who is this woman?!
You have awesome water pressure.
You should see what's falling out of my hair.
Well, Nick...
looks like you're gonna have to marry her.
- It's looking that way, isn't it? - Yeah.
- She's not so bad. - She's peeing in the shower.
- Yeah, she is. - (laughs) That's weird.
Classic Tina.