1
00:00:17,820 --> 00:00:21,560
Friends, ex-girlfriend,
Winston, months ago I warned you

2
00:00:21,590 --> 00:00:22,990
that winter was coming.

3
00:00:23,020 --> 00:00:24,430
And for the cold and
wretched days ahead,

4
00:00:24,460 --> 00:00:26,230
I stressed our need to take lovers

5
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:28,230
and take them quickly.
JESS: Your head is huge.

6
00:00:28,260 --> 00:00:29,630
(chuckles) Your hat's

7
00:00:29,660 --> 00:00:31,100
the size of a garbage can.

8
00:00:31,130 --> 00:00:33,300
NICK: You look great in
that hat, man. What a hunk.

9
00:00:33,330 --> 00:00:35,000
JESS: You look like Jewish Pharrell.

10
00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:36,670
Th-Thank you very much.
I appreciate it. Okay,

11
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:38,270
now, winter is now here.

12
00:00:38,310 --> 00:00:40,670
And I vow that we will not miss

13
00:00:40,710 --> 00:00:43,790
our final opportunity for sexual
realization in 2014.

14
00:00:43,820 --> 00:00:45,810
Did you steal my belt buckle,
you Silly Billy?

15
00:00:45,850 --> 00:00:46,850
Enough out of you, Winston!

16
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,580
Silly Billy? Dude.

17
00:00:48,620 --> 00:00:50,920
If you unzipped your face and
an old white woman popped out,

18
00:00:50,950 --> 00:00:52,290
I would not be shocked.

19
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:53,790
- Really?
- No.

20
00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:55,320
- I would.
- I would be very surprised.

21
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:57,090
That is why this year we will not

22
00:00:57,130 --> 00:00:58,760
be celebrating Thanksgiving.

23
00:00:58,790 --> 00:01:00,990
Instead, we will be celebrating...

24
00:01:01,030 --> 00:01:03,030
Remember last Thanksgiving
when I almost died?

25
00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:05,430
(others agreeing, chattering)

26
00:01:05,470 --> 00:01:08,040
Bangsgiving! We'll be
celebrating Bangsgiving!

27
00:01:08,070 --> 00:01:11,040
Why can't you let me just
have this, you guys? Please.

28
00:01:11,070 --> 00:01:13,770
Okay. You've been talking about
this for, like, a week, Schmidt.

29
00:01:13,810 --> 00:01:15,640
We get it. Let's just
pick names already. Jess,

30
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:18,110
I can't believe that
you are into Bangsgiving.

31
00:01:18,150 --> 00:01:20,280
I just want to meet a guy
so I can forget about Ryan.

32
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:21,850
- Just date him, Jess.
- 'Cause I'm his boss,

33
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,520
and it's against the
rules for me to date him.

34
00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:25,050
Just date him. It's a dumb rule.

35
00:01:25,090 --> 00:01:26,850
- It's against the rules.
- Take the hat.

36
00:01:26,890 --> 00:01:29,490
- Oh.
- Now, whosever name you pick, that's who

37
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:30,860
you'll be bringing a date for.

38
00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:33,130
And no date leaves
until everyone is laid.

39
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,530
I just want to meet a nice fella.

40
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:36,000
Can I have permission to send them home

41
00:01:36,030 --> 00:01:37,360
- without sex?
- No, you do not.

42
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:38,730
I think everybody's date
should be able to leave.

43
00:01:38,770 --> 00:01:39,770
NICK: Yeah, your plan

44
00:01:39,770 --> 00:01:41,140
sounds a little kidnappy.

45
00:01:41,170 --> 00:01:42,340
What's the rule on that, Winston?

46
00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:43,800
Eh, gray area. We're good.

47
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,240
Winston is in. My man.
And, okay, nobody say

48
00:01:46,270 --> 00:01:48,610
who you picked. It'll ruin the surprise.

49
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,150
Oh, crap. You picked me.

50
00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:55,420
- No! How'd you know?
- And now

51
00:01:55,450 --> 00:01:57,020
you're gonna set me up
with you, aren't you?

52
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,350
Cece, I-I know that this holiday

53
00:01:58,390 --> 00:02:00,220
is a bittersweet memory for your people,

54
00:02:00,260 --> 00:02:01,890
- Wrong kind of Indian.
- but, please, do not take that out on me.

55
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:03,560
Okay, well, I picked you,
too, so I want to re-pick.

56
00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:04,860
No re-picking. And no more telling.

57
00:02:04,890 --> 00:02:07,830
So, listen up, uh,
for whoever picked me,

58
00:02:07,860 --> 00:02:10,560
I just want you to know that I
have really gotten into feet lately,

59
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,500
- so do with that what you will.
- No one do anything with that.

60
00:02:13,540 --> 00:02:16,240
- Can I just say no mustaches?
- I'd like someone tall.

61
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:18,170
- She's got to have an ass.
- Can I just reiterate the whole feet thing?

62
00:02:18,210 --> 00:02:20,040
I want to say who I picked so bad.

63
00:02:20,070 --> 00:02:21,840
I'm looking for a fake redhead.
With a medium-sized neck.

64
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:25,480
I just want to be slapped around.

65
00:02:33,390 --> 00:02:36,360
So, Pearl, I told Winston
that you work at my school.

66
00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:38,590
And, um, Winston is
about to become a cop,

67
00:02:38,630 --> 00:02:41,130
which you've probably
already gathered from the fact

68
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,430
that he pinned his
badge to his sport coat.

69
00:02:43,470 --> 00:02:45,100
What? (chuckles)

70
00:02:45,130 --> 00:02:46,900
How did that get there?

71
00:02:46,940 --> 00:02:48,240
Let me freshen your drink. (chuckles)

72
00:02:48,270 --> 00:02:50,040
Excuse me a second.

73
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:52,240
(whispering): Hey, Coach. Coach.

74
00:02:52,270 --> 00:02:53,740
Look at what Jess brought me.

75
00:02:53,780 --> 00:02:55,140
Oh, Pearl? Yeah, she's great, man.

76
00:02:55,180 --> 00:02:56,640
Hey, come here. You got
something on your face.

77
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:58,400
- Really? What is it?
- It's, like, right...

78
00:02:58,410 --> 00:02:59,380
What were you thinking,
bringing me that girl

79
00:02:59,410 --> 00:03:00,410
from the police academy?

80
00:03:00,450 --> 00:03:01,450
What's wrong with Pepper?

81
00:03:01,450 --> 00:03:02,780
Allow me...

82
00:03:02,820 --> 00:03:04,590
(chuckles) Arms!

83
00:03:04,620 --> 00:03:06,750
She's jacked, dude.
You should've warned me

84
00:03:06,790 --> 00:03:08,790
you were setting me up with one
of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

85
00:03:08,820 --> 00:03:10,590
I'm sure she's not that bad.

86
00:03:10,630 --> 00:03:12,430
Whoa.

87
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:14,920
Where was she when I
was cracking walnuts for the stuffing?

88
00:03:14,970 --> 00:03:16,400
Look, she's fantastic. She's beautiful.

89
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:17,430
You're gonna love her.

90
00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:18,430
Now, if you jerks

91
00:03:18,470 --> 00:03:19,830
will excuse me, this Bishop's

92
00:03:19,870 --> 00:03:21,570
got to capture himself a queen.

93
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:22,900
She's doing push-ups.

94
00:03:22,940 --> 00:03:25,040
For your lady.

95
00:03:25,070 --> 00:03:26,310
Thank you. Thank you very much, Jess.

96
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:28,680
Pearl, she's... Yeah, she's great.

97
00:03:28,710 --> 00:03:29,520
What grade does she teach?

98
00:03:29,570 --> 00:03:31,520
Oh, she doesn't teach.
She's the lunch lady.

99
00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:36,680
- You said the lunch lady?
- Yeah.

100
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:40,120
So where exactly is this "date" of mine?

101
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,790
All right, I invited
Lucy, like you asked.

102
00:03:42,820 --> 00:03:44,220
Your date's name is Geoff

103
00:03:44,260 --> 00:03:45,830
and he will be here. By the way,

104
00:03:45,860 --> 00:03:48,360
he spells Geoff with a "G," so
you know he comes from money.

105
00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:49,830
NICK: Well, I think
the real difference is

106
00:03:49,860 --> 00:03:51,300
crocodiles are man-eaters

107
00:03:51,330 --> 00:03:54,500
- and alligators...
- What in the bloody hell?

108
00:03:54,540 --> 00:03:58,440
Uh, hey, Nick. What is Tran doing here?

109
00:03:58,470 --> 00:04:00,710
Oh, well, I picked my own name.

110
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:02,880
So you said to bring somebody.
So I thought it'd be weird

111
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,450
if I didn't bring someone.
So I just brought Tran.

112
00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:06,010
You brought an old
Asian man to my sex party

113
00:04:06,050 --> 00:04:07,450
so it wouldn't be weird?

114
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,780
Relax. He didn't come empty-handed.

115
00:04:09,820 --> 00:04:13,350
He brought a game. It's
like Thailand Monopoly.

116
00:04:13,390 --> 00:04:16,460
Yeah, all the squares are jail
except for one piece of property

117
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:18,460
which we all have to
fight each other for.

118
00:04:18,490 --> 00:04:20,490
But don't get caught in
the Red Light District.

119
00:04:20,530 --> 00:04:22,830
- This isn't a freaking game night, Nick.
- Okay, chill out.

120
00:04:22,860 --> 00:04:25,500
(knocking) You... You're making a
mockery of this holiday and you know it.

121
00:04:25,530 --> 00:04:26,900
I didn't mean to make fun of Thailand,

122
00:04:26,940 --> 00:04:28,820
if that's where you're from even.

123
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,470
- Hey.
- Lucy.

124
00:04:31,510 --> 00:04:33,470
- It's so good to see you.
- How are you?

125
00:04:33,510 --> 00:04:36,740
- Oh, I'm great.
- Lucy? Lucy's here with Schmidt?

126
00:04:36,780 --> 00:04:39,080
Where's my set-up, already?
I'm looking at the menu,

127
00:04:39,110 --> 00:04:41,020
and I see a lot of skirt but no steak.

128
00:04:41,050 --> 00:04:42,880
I think that Coach
picked you, so watch out.

129
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,050
'Cause I'm sure he's gonna
bring one of his clients

130
00:04:45,090 --> 00:04:47,020
or weird, like, gym buddies.

131
00:04:47,060 --> 00:04:48,890
(whispering): Ryan.

132
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,660
- What?
- Ryan. Ryan.

133
00:04:50,690 --> 00:04:53,160
- Ryan-Ryan?
- He brought Ryan. Oh, God.

134
00:04:53,190 --> 00:04:54,500
I don't think I can even look at him,

135
00:04:54,530 --> 00:04:56,160
like, without getting pregnant.

136
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:58,230
He just oozes sex.

137
00:04:58,270 --> 00:05:00,870
Good holiday to you!
I've come with biscuits!

138
00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:02,740
(groaning)

139
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,770
Hey, hey, hey, Schmidt, Lucy?

140
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,620
- I-I used to date Lucy.
- Oh, I know, bro.

141
00:05:08,740 --> 00:05:10,770
I met her that day
you gave me the pass to your gym.

142
00:05:11,580 --> 00:05:13,450
Hey, do you have any snacks?!

143
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,050
Yeah, you blew her off. I didn't
think it would be a problem.

144
00:05:17,090 --> 00:05:18,450
Oh, it's a problem. I'm
telling you it's a problem.

145
00:05:18,490 --> 00:05:19,550
And I forbid you from dating her,

146
00:05:19,590 --> 00:05:21,360
so... (whistles) cut it off.

147
00:05:21,390 --> 00:05:25,030
- Grounds?
- The statute of limitation hasn't expired.

148
00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:26,430
You dated her three years ago

149
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:27,930
for, like, two and a half months.

150
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,260
The statute is very
specific. 1,000 showers.

151
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:32,030
After that, no claim. And if you think

152
00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:34,800
I've showered 1,000 times
in the past three years,

153
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,540
then you're out of your mind.

154
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,970
Did you ever spend more than
$65 on her, not including tip?

155
00:05:38,970 --> 00:05:40,270
It's tough.
There were a lot of coupons involved.

156
00:05:40,370 --> 00:05:41,320
Did you ever watch her dog?

157
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:42,880
Trick question: she had
fish and I killed them.

158
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:43,740
You ever get her a gift?

159
00:05:43,780 --> 00:05:45,410
Every time we had sex.

160
00:05:45,450 --> 00:05:48,050
- (laughs) No claim.
- (laughs) No claim?

161
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:49,620
Hi, Nick. It's been a long time.

162
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:52,250
Lucille. Great to see you.

163
00:05:52,290 --> 00:05:55,560
Do you still like to eat, uh... popcorn?

164
00:05:55,590 --> 00:05:58,490
- I guess so.
- Oh, you see that? I know her foods.

165
00:05:58,530 --> 00:06:00,760
You must have spoiled her, huh?

166
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,160
You know, if you'll excuse us,
I'm gonna give Lucy the tour.

167
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,430
Come on, Lucy.

168
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,970
I'm calling my penis "the tour."

169
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,410
My tour's more satisfying.

170
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,780
His is all about him.
Mine's about you sometimes.

171
00:06:14,810 --> 00:06:16,110
Hi.

172
00:06:16,140 --> 00:06:18,110
Hi. Uh, thanks for inviting me tonight.

173
00:06:18,150 --> 00:06:20,450
I-I didn't realize this
was a singles party.

174
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,280
Oh. No. Uh, s-sorry.

175
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,840
Did Coach say that with
a Sean Connery accent?

176
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,040
Did he say "shingles"?
'Cause he was...

177
00:06:27,270 --> 00:06:30,240
He actually meant shingles.
Like the... Like...

178
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:33,040
The... Everybody here is a roofer.

179
00:06:38,290 --> 00:06:41,240
Look, the last time I saw you,
I kissed you.

180
00:06:41,620 --> 00:06:43,890
I know that.
We both know that.

181
00:06:43,970 --> 00:06:47,320
But this can't happen.
Are we attracted to each other? Yes!

182
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,070
Do I sing Oasis songs to myself,

183
00:06:49,220 --> 00:06:51,740
and pretend that they were
inspired by your love for me? I do.

184
00:06:51,820 --> 00:06:53,990
But my job is to enforce the rules.

185
00:06:54,140 --> 00:06:57,720
And I love my job, and I worked hard
to get it. So this cannot happen.

186
00:06:57,790 --> 00:07:00,840
Is that why you locked me in your bedroom,
and undone the top button of your dress?

187
00:07:00,940 --> 00:07:02,670
I didn't undo the top...

188
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:06,890
Well, I did...

189
00:07:08,020 --> 00:07:11,040
But that was an accident.
That wasn't for you.

190
00:07:11,770 --> 00:07:12,940
It was for me.

191
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,040
I just need to know
that you will respect the rules

192
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,520
- and that this will go no further.
- I'll do my best.

193
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:24,790
Looks like you missed a few.

194
00:07:25,670 --> 00:07:26,920
What?

195
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:31,840
Okay, I summoned everyone to the roof
because Bangsgiving is in peril.

196
00:07:31,950 --> 00:07:33,590
All of you are focusing on things

197
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,190
that have nothing to
do with getting laid.

198
00:07:35,220 --> 00:07:37,390
Let us please not repeat
the mistakes that we made

199
00:07:37,430 --> 00:07:39,130
at my Eight Nights of Hump-akah party.

200
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:41,630
Now, what is the freakin' problem?

201
00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:43,560
Coach did the opposite of what I asked.

202
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:45,370
Come on, Jess, you guys
would be great together.

203
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,470
It's a dumb rule, all right? Dumb rule.

204
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:48,900
At least he turns you on.
Pepper makes my ding-dong

205
00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:50,640
and my ping-pongs go into my body.

206
00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:52,370
Can somebody help me with this keg?

207
00:07:52,410 --> 00:07:54,610
- Yeah, sure.
- Pepper's got it.

208
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,310
(grunts)

209
00:07:58,350 --> 00:08:00,490
What if she doesn't know her own strength
down there, and she mushes it, or,

210
00:08:00,570 --> 00:08:02,190
- Be a nightmare.
- like, rips it off

211
00:08:02,270 --> 00:08:04,150
and throws it across
the room like a hot dog?

212
00:08:04,190 --> 00:08:06,320
That's nothing. Jess
brought me a hot lunch lady.

213
00:08:06,350 --> 00:08:08,320
What am I supposed to do with that?

214
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,420
Do sex with the lunch lady.

215
00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:11,830
- Wait.
- That's obvious. I have a real...

216
00:08:11,860 --> 00:08:13,660
I know how it sounds.
I know how it sounds,

217
00:08:13,690 --> 00:08:15,960
- but she's a... like, a real lunch lady.
- That's hot.

218
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,730
- A woman that's willing, ready and able...
- NICK: That's not an issue.

219
00:08:17,770 --> 00:08:19,570
After she has sex with you,
she can put food in your mouth.

220
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,130
That's not a problem at all.
I do have a real problem.

221
00:08:21,170 --> 00:08:23,740
Schmidt is trying to sleep with
a woman I've already slept with.

222
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:27,240
Well, at least he has a date,
because mine never showed up.

223
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,140
Geoff is coming! Apparently,
a wild peacock got loose

224
00:08:29,180 --> 00:08:30,820
on the freeway, and
is holding up traffic.

225
00:08:30,850 --> 00:08:33,450
Now, you guys, we
have guests downstairs.

226
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:37,120
And if we don't get back to them
soon, they're gonna get spooked.

227
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,720
Um, so, have you always
been from England?

228
00:08:44,630 --> 00:08:45,990
I'm not going downstairs

229
00:08:46,030 --> 00:08:47,430
until Schmidt agrees
to not sleep with Lucy.

230
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:48,930
Okay, yeah, sure. Never!

231
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,630
According to the statute,

232
00:08:50,670 --> 00:08:53,030
if you two can't agree,
we take it to a vote.

233
00:08:53,070 --> 00:08:55,100
The winner gets the girl, the loser

234
00:08:55,140 --> 00:08:56,770
gets five grilled cheese sandwiches.

235
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:57,940
- NICK: I'll agree to that.
- Let's do it.

236
00:08:57,970 --> 00:08:59,770
All right, all those in favor

237
00:08:59,810 --> 00:09:02,680
of Schmidt <i>not</i> sleeping with
Lucy, raise your hand now.

238
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:03,610
- I don't care.
- Couldn't care less.

239
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:04,540
Raise 'em up.

240
00:09:04,580 --> 00:09:06,850
Put 'em up.

241
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,680
Huzzah! Warning: tonight
things will get loud with Lucy.

242
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,050
But don't worry. I'll have
her jam a sock in my mouth

243
00:09:11,090 --> 00:09:12,550
right before I see angels.

244
00:09:12,590 --> 00:09:15,290
- Okay, guys, what about me?
- Get your own sock.

245
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:17,290
No. What am I gonna do about Ryan?

246
00:09:17,330 --> 00:09:18,960
Just have sex with him.

247
00:09:18,990 --> 00:09:20,830
Look, bang one out, get
it out of your system.

248
00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:22,630
- I don't do that.
- You should do that.

249
00:09:22,660 --> 00:09:24,130
- You should bang one out.
- Yeah, makes the most sense.

250
00:09:24,170 --> 00:09:25,830
- What?! - Nothing else has
worked, okay, and the best way

251
00:09:25,870 --> 00:09:28,470
to get over a crush is just
to do something about it.

252
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:31,970
- I don't know. - Plus, he's British, so
you know the sex will be weirdly polite.

253
00:09:32,010 --> 00:09:34,540
(with British accent): Do
you mind if I finish now?

254
00:09:34,580 --> 00:09:36,310
He doesn't sound like Oliver Twist.

255
00:09:36,340 --> 00:09:38,250
(British accent): Do you
like that? Is that good, eh?

256
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:41,150
All right. Here we go.

257
00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:43,550
One... really? Two... what?

258
00:09:43,580 --> 00:09:45,320
Do you mind if I do it like that?

259
00:09:45,350 --> 00:09:47,590
Hey, you like it when
I do it like that, eh?

260
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:48,760
That was spot-on.

261
00:09:48,790 --> 00:09:50,190
All those in favor

262
00:09:50,220 --> 00:09:52,140
of Jess doing Ryan, raise your hand.

263
00:09:58,170 --> 00:10:00,000
(talking quietly)

264
00:10:00,030 --> 00:10:01,700
Oh, he's trying to mess with me?

265
00:10:01,740 --> 00:10:04,040
Here I go.

266
00:10:06,610 --> 00:10:08,840
Cecilia.

267
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,510
No, you cannot have my beer.

268
00:10:10,550 --> 00:10:11,910
(laughs)

269
00:10:11,950 --> 00:10:13,280
NICK: You think I'm
going after the beer.

270
00:10:13,310 --> 00:10:14,710
- You okay?
- Mm.

271
00:10:14,750 --> 00:10:16,750
Okay, great.

272
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:19,320
(groans)

273
00:10:19,350 --> 00:10:21,020
(talks quietly)

274
00:10:21,060 --> 00:10:22,620
(phone buzzing)

275
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:28,860
(gasps)

276
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:30,800
Happy Bangsgiving.

277
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:32,630
(whispers): Close the door.

278
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:36,470
Oh, my God.

279
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:38,940
Is there nothing underneath that apron?

280
00:10:38,970 --> 00:10:42,580
Just a little white meat
looking for some gravy.

281
00:10:42,610 --> 00:10:45,780
That probably wasn't very sexy.
I shouldn't have said that!

282
00:10:45,810 --> 00:10:47,880
No, it was very becoming.

283
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,820
I'm totally confused
about these oven mitts.

284
00:10:50,850 --> 00:10:53,820
How else am I supposed to take
a hot dish out of the oven?

285
00:10:53,860 --> 00:10:55,960
These mitts were a bad idea.

286
00:10:55,990 --> 00:11:00,990
What, uh, got you in the-the,
uh, holiday, uh, sp-spirit?

287
00:11:01,030 --> 00:11:03,660
Well, I like you, you like me.

288
00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:07,230
Why don't we just... bang
one out of our system?

289
00:11:07,270 --> 00:11:09,570
Bang one out of our system?

290
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,570
It sounds really bad. I get that.

291
00:11:12,610 --> 00:11:14,110
And I hear it now, it sounds awful.

292
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:17,810
But we just bang one out
of our system, and then,

293
00:11:17,850 --> 00:11:20,410
we can go back to our strictly
professional relationship,

294
00:11:20,450 --> 00:11:23,080
and I can stop thinking about
you all the time, which I do.

295
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:24,920
I didn't come here to bang one out.

296
00:11:24,950 --> 00:11:26,520
Well, you know what I mean.

297
00:11:26,550 --> 00:11:27,790
- Look...
- I care about you.

298
00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:29,320
- Well...
- Jess, I'm crazy about you.

299
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,690
Ryan, look. Oh, God,
it's so complicated.

300
00:11:31,730 --> 00:11:33,810
Can I just put some pants
on when we talk about this?

301
00:11:33,830 --> 00:11:35,300
It is complicated.

302
00:11:35,330 --> 00:11:37,860
This would have been worth it.

303
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,700
Oh, God. Ryan. Ryan!

304
00:11:39,730 --> 00:11:41,130
Oh, God!

305
00:11:41,170 --> 00:11:42,540
NICK: Oh! Yeah!

306
00:11:42,570 --> 00:11:44,670
(hooting, whooping and
overlapping chatter)

307
00:11:44,710 --> 00:11:47,370
Oh, no!

308
00:11:47,410 --> 00:11:49,980
Freaking Bangsgiving.

309
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,950
SCHMIDT: No, I actually
put those in there myself.

310
00:11:57,620 --> 00:11:59,150
I'll tell you, I wouldn't
eat asparagus though.

311
00:11:59,190 --> 00:12:00,390
It makes your pee smell.

312
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:01,700
(laughs) Mmm.

313
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:06,600
Hey, Cece, I got that $20 I owe you.

314
00:12:06,630 --> 00:12:08,960
It's, uh... it's in my bedroom.

315
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,400
Okay.

316
00:12:11,430 --> 00:12:13,440
Yeah, it's right this way.

317
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:21,110
You're really sexy for a Jew.

318
00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:23,550
Not now, woman!

319
00:12:23,580 --> 00:12:25,550
Wait. What?

320
00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:27,880
Who needs men? You don't need a man.

321
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,120
- You can lift your own furniture.
- Hey, Pepper.

322
00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:33,370
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God, are you okay?

323
00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:35,420
I am so sorry.
You approached my blind spot.

324
00:12:36,690 --> 00:12:38,490
Your money is in her somewhere.
Let me just find it.

325
00:12:38,570 --> 00:12:39,620
Great.

326
00:12:39,690 --> 00:12:42,170
- Oh!
- What's the matter? Did you hurt yourself?

327
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:45,670
No, it's just not there.
Let me... Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

328
00:12:45,770 --> 00:12:47,970
Ooh, ohh, that feels so good!

329
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:49,790
When I'm looking for your money,
it feels so good.

330
00:12:50,620 --> 00:12:52,440
I love that!

331
00:12:52,570 --> 00:12:56,370
(loudly) You nasty woman! (softly) Cause you
are making me give the money to you.

332
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,690
Oh, Cece, you love this!

333
00:12:58,770 --> 00:13:00,970
- Getting your money.
- What exactly are you doing right now?

334
00:13:01,090 --> 00:13:03,190
- Getting your money.
- You are definitely not getting my money,

335
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:04,820
in no world you have my money.

336
00:13:05,690 --> 00:13:08,770
I was flirting with you to give Schmidt
a taste of his own medicine,

337
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,940
okay, and it's a huge mistake and insulting
to everyone involved, and I'm sorry.

338
00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:14,270
Yeah, and also
he would never fall for that,

339
00:13:14,370 --> 00:13:15,420
at all, okay...

340
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,220
- You are a dead man Miller!
- Don't, don't.

341
00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:21,240
- I'll choke you to dead.
- I'll choke you to...

342
00:13:21,290 --> 00:13:23,570
Barely fighting.
Schmidt, nothing was going on.

343
00:13:23,690 --> 00:13:25,990
- He was just trying to make you jealous.
- Please, I know that!

344
00:13:26,070 --> 00:13:27,520
He would never hit on you.

345
00:13:27,790 --> 00:13:29,620
- You are on my Never List.
- I know she...

346
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,120
Whoa! Whoa!
What are you doing?

347
00:13:32,190 --> 00:13:34,370
You pissed me for bringing Lucy,
and you bring Tran as a date?

348
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,790
Leave Tran out of this,
he fought in Korea.

349
00:13:36,870 --> 00:13:38,720
I don't know which side,
but I know he is a war hero.

350
00:13:38,790 --> 00:13:40,470
You couldn't find one of those
drunk girls at the bar?

351
00:13:40,590 --> 00:13:43,140
The ones with no family or friends.
That's your sweet spot, man.

352
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,520
- I know, I could have. I didn't want to.
- Why not?

353
00:13:46,870 --> 00:13:49,940
What kind of women have you been
sleeping since you and Jess broke up?

354
00:13:51,990 --> 00:13:54,620
- Terrible ones.
- And how does that make you feel?

355
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:55,770
Terrible.

356
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,690
- Then reaaly good.
- Expected, expected.

357
00:13:59,790 --> 00:14:01,940
- There you go.
- And then immediately after terrible.

358
00:14:02,070 --> 00:14:04,070
Just gonna put this out there,
but I think you'd probably

359
00:14:04,140 --> 00:14:07,390
rather like to sleep with someone
who doesn't make you feel terrible,

360
00:14:07,490 --> 00:14:10,420
but, you're just a little
afraid of getting hurt again.

361
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:13,290
Nah, it didn't sound right.

362
00:14:16,490 --> 00:14:19,340
You know, growing up
we had this lunch lady named Miss Wheaton.

363
00:14:19,490 --> 00:14:22,540
One day, I cut in line,
so I can get actual tater tots.

364
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,640
And as punishment,
she made me eat the entire tray.

365
00:14:25,940 --> 00:14:26,990
In front of her.

366
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:30,120
While she's stared at me,
for a long period of time.

367
00:14:30,420 --> 00:14:33,140
And I'm not sure if you know
how hard that is for a growing boy.

368
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:35,290
- How old were you?
- I was 18.

369
00:14:35,490 --> 00:14:36,870
(chuckles)

370
00:14:37,290 --> 00:14:40,370
If it helps,
we're called lunch monitor now.

371
00:14:40,890 --> 00:14:42,590
No one says lunch lady anymore.

372
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:47,240
(chuckles) Kind of like how you can't call
little people "shrinkies".

373
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:50,870
Oh, lunch monitor Pearl, I like you.

374
00:14:56,820 --> 00:14:58,170
Excellent form.

375
00:14:59,340 --> 00:15:01,170
You don't have a hard job.

376
00:15:03,190 --> 00:15:06,640
So, I saw your butt earlier.
It's been holding up nicely.

377
00:15:06,890 --> 00:15:07,970
It does the trick.

378
00:15:10,660 --> 00:15:12,630
And I noticed, uh, Ryan left.

379
00:15:12,670 --> 00:15:16,370
Yeah. Ugh! It's so embarrassing.

380
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,170
I kind of came onto him,

381
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:22,240
and he told me he wanted
more than just sex.

382
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:25,340
He wanted more than sex
and that's a bad thing? How?

383
00:15:25,380 --> 00:15:27,050
Well, look, I'm his boss.

384
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,480
We could get sued,
and I could get fired.

385
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,520
There's a reason it's against the rules.

386
00:15:31,550 --> 00:15:33,050
You gotta br... okay.

387
00:15:33,090 --> 00:15:34,750
Remember when we tried to
watch <i>Ferris Bueller's Day Off?</i>

388
00:15:34,790 --> 00:15:37,660
Okay, I stick by that...
that kid is not a hero.

389
00:15:37,690 --> 00:15:39,930
All he does is break rules.
What's so great about that?

390
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,660
You're taking Rooney's side.
No one takes Rooney's side.

391
00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:44,260
I'm a vice principal...
Rooney is my people.

392
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:46,870
Ferris hijacks a parade.

393
00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:48,370
That is an act of terror.

394
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,100
You want to know what I
think, 'cause you're not going

395
00:15:50,140 --> 00:15:51,600
- to like it.
- What?

396
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,570
I don't think this is
about breaking rules.

397
00:15:53,610 --> 00:15:55,070
I think Ryan scares you.

398
00:15:55,110 --> 00:15:57,610
You like him, and you're
going to have to put yourself

399
00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:00,050
out there again, and that scares you.

400
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,620
But look,

401
00:16:02,650 --> 00:16:05,680
life moves really fast.

402
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:10,720
And if you don't stop and
look around once in a while,

403
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:13,360
you just might miss it.

404
00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:15,630
Is that from <i>Ferris Bueller?</i>

405
00:16:15,660 --> 00:16:16,900
- Yes, it is.
- Okay.

406
00:16:16,930 --> 00:16:18,430
- It's a terrific movie.
- All right.

407
00:16:18,470 --> 00:16:20,100
And I delivered it perfectly.

408
00:16:20,130 --> 00:16:21,900
It was pretty good.

409
00:16:25,670 --> 00:16:27,240
What are you doing here?

410
00:16:27,270 --> 00:16:28,970
You're fired.

411
00:16:30,010 --> 00:16:31,980
(laughs) Just kidding.

412
00:16:32,010 --> 00:16:33,910
Oh, God.

413
00:16:36,490 --> 00:16:38,940
You left without eating
so I thought, um...

414
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,220
I'd bring you a pie.
Well, most of a pie.

415
00:16:41,270 --> 00:16:43,270
The guys ate some of it. That's a lie.

416
00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:45,970
I ate-I ate-I ate a
piece on the way over.

417
00:16:46,010 --> 00:16:47,270
I-I ate two pieces.

418
00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,570
Three pieces.

419
00:16:48,610 --> 00:16:50,110
Thank you.

420
00:16:50,140 --> 00:16:51,480
You're welcome.

421
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,680
Would you like to come inside?

422
00:16:53,710 --> 00:16:54,850
No, um, I came here to say something

423
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:57,250
and that this...

424
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,280
I want more, too.

425
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,160
This dish is empty.

426
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:06,930
Okay. I ate the whole pie.

427
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,790
Look, I don't know what I'm doing

428
00:17:08,830 --> 00:17:10,130
or where this is going

429
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,200
(sighs) and I'm scared, but...

430
00:17:13,230 --> 00:17:16,370
it's worth it 'cause it feels big.

431
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:19,370
And that's why I'm
going to leave right now,

432
00:17:19,410 --> 00:17:21,340
and we're going to take it slow.

433
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:30,650
Wow.

434
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:33,850
Well, tonight is Bangsgiving,

435
00:17:33,890 --> 00:17:35,850
and I have to honor
my American traditions.

436
00:17:35,890 --> 00:17:38,660
It's my duty as an American...

437
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:44,500
I think I'm going to stop
being afraid and start dating.

438
00:17:44,530 --> 00:17:47,570
You probably knew all along, didn't you?

439
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,740
If only I could meet
a girl like you, Tran.

440
00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:52,970
Your face, your brain...
throw it in a dress.

441
00:17:53,010 --> 00:17:55,710
Oh, daddy, I'd be with her forever.

442
00:17:55,740 --> 00:17:57,180
I'm getting off topic.

443
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:59,940
Thanks for the talk.
I feel a lot better.

444
00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:02,710
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

445
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:05,850
Tran, are these all yours?

446
00:18:05,890 --> 00:18:07,390
Come on, man.

447
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,050
I thought you were
switching to white wine.

448
00:18:09,090 --> 00:18:11,060
How do you think you're
going to get home now?

449
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,730
You're not driving, so how
are you going to get home?

450
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,890
(knocking)

451
00:18:15,930 --> 00:18:17,660
Hey.

452
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:20,000
Are you Nick?

453
00:18:20,030 --> 00:18:23,970
You the guy who's obsessed
with my grandfather?

454
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,750
Grandpaps, you ready to go?

455
00:18:34,070 --> 00:18:35,750
- Hey.
- (screams)

456
00:18:35,780 --> 00:18:38,950
Ah, ah, ha... hey.

457
00:18:38,980 --> 00:18:40,850
I'm taking off. Um...

458
00:18:40,890 --> 00:18:42,520
sorry I body-slammed you

459
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:44,720
but this doesn't feel
like it's working out

460
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,220
so I don't really
want to waste our time.

461
00:18:46,260 --> 00:18:48,860
Look, Pepper, um...

462
00:18:48,890 --> 00:18:50,130
I think you're beautiful,

463
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,230
and very nice.

464
00:18:52,260 --> 00:18:53,870
I just, uh...

465
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:56,370
You know, I'm not used to...

466
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,940
dating women that are stronger than me.

467
00:18:58,970 --> 00:19:01,140
How do you know that
I'm stronger than you?

468
00:19:01,170 --> 00:19:02,910
Do you want to arm wrestle?

469
00:19:02,940 --> 00:19:04,480
Yeah, like I'm that
insecure that I have to prove

470
00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:06,910
my masculinity by arm wrestling a girl.

471
00:19:06,950 --> 00:19:09,280
(yells) Come on.

472
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:10,820
- Ready?
- Yeah.

473
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,320
One, two, three.

474
00:19:12,350 --> 00:19:15,720
(grunting)

475
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,920
(yells)

476
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,990
Yes! That's how you do it!

477
00:19:20,030 --> 00:19:23,060
That's how it's
uh-uh-uh done!

478
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,300
- (moaning)
- (giggling)

479
00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:28,070
Thank you for letting me win.

480
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:29,770
Sure. Anytime.

481
00:19:35,980 --> 00:19:37,280
Well, Lucy left.

482
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,440
Turns out she's a
bit of an anti-Semite.

483
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,910
- Hmm.
- Yeah, looks like we both struck out.

484
00:19:41,950 --> 00:19:43,480
Okay, Schmidt, there is no Geoff.

485
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,480
Come on. But to honest, I'm
kind of glad there isn't.

486
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:47,790
You know, Thanksgiving should be spent

487
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:49,820
with the people that you care about.

488
00:19:51,220 --> 00:19:52,820
Let me get you a beer.

489
00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:54,190
By the way...

490
00:19:54,230 --> 00:19:56,130
you're on my Never List, too.

491
00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:05,540
Hi.

492
00:20:05,570 --> 00:20:07,110
Are you Cece?

493
00:20:07,140 --> 00:20:08,870
I'm Geoff.

494
00:20:08,910 --> 00:20:10,150
Um, I'm Schmidt's friend.

495
00:20:10,180 --> 00:20:11,340
I'm sorry I'm late.

496
00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:13,450
I hit a peacock on my way here

497
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,480
and then I held it in
my arms until it died.

498
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:19,650
It was horrible, but
also kind of uplifting.

499
00:20:19,690 --> 00:20:22,220
Um, anyway, I brought creamed spinach.

500
00:20:24,860 --> 00:20:27,690
(speaking Hindi)

501
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:34,670
♪ It takes time ♪

502
00:20:36,470 --> 00:20:39,200
♪ You worry too much ♪ (panting)

503
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,910
(panting continues)

504
00:20:41,940 --> 00:20:45,280
♪ All those sunny days ♪

505
00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:47,950
(grunts) Yeah! (laughs)

506
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:52,620
♪ You worry too much ♪

507
00:20:52,650 --> 00:20:53,950
There's my number. Gr...

508
00:20:53,990 --> 00:20:56,020
Tran! Hey, would you hit that. Maybe...

509
00:20:56,060 --> 00:20:57,660
Yeah.

510
00:20:57,690 --> 00:21:02,160
♪ 'Cause nothing is real ♪

511
00:21:03,460 --> 00:21:07,000
♪ When you're all alone ♪

512
00:21:09,030 --> 00:21:13,410
♪ 'Cause nothing is real ♪

513
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:16,310
♪ My mother told me so ♪

514
00:21:16,340 --> 00:21:18,810
♪ Don't let the sun kiss your lips ♪

515
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:21,950
♪ She knows all of the tricks ♪

516
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:24,070
♪ Let the sun kiss your lips... ♪

517
00:21:24,140 --> 00:21:25,020
Ed Rooney.

518
00:21:25,140 --> 00:21:27,680
Ed. This is George Peterson.

519
00:21:28,090 --> 00:21:30,370
How are you today, sir?

520
00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,120
It's not him, Rooney.

521
00:21:33,070 --> 00:21:36,320
This movie should be called
"The Day Rooney Tried To Do His Job".