1 00:00:18,660 --> 00:00:20,790 Hey, hey, hey. Here, scoot down, scoot down. 2 00:00:20,830 --> 00:00:23,190 - Nick, what are you doing? - What are you doing? 3 00:00:23,230 --> 00:00:24,900 Sorry, just scoot down, I need to iron this shirt 4 00:00:24,930 --> 00:00:26,730 that I'm wearing for my date with Tran's granddaughter. 5 00:00:26,770 --> 00:00:28,870 It's either this or the turtleneck 6 00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:30,070 my mother bought me in 2009. 7 00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:31,570 They're my only clean shirts. 8 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,240 The short-sleeved turtleneck? Don't do that. 9 00:00:33,270 --> 00:00:34,810 Okay, look, we need this whole table 10 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:37,340 for Nadia's baby shower, all right? So, move along. 11 00:00:37,380 --> 00:00:39,340 Nadia, isn't that the Russian chick who broke, uh, 12 00:00:39,380 --> 00:00:40,340 Schmidt's, uh... 13 00:00:40,380 --> 00:00:41,350 SCHMIDT: Will to live? 14 00:00:41,380 --> 00:00:43,010 After she broke my penis? 15 00:00:43,050 --> 00:00:44,550 (chuckles) 16 00:00:44,580 --> 00:00:46,350 Who saw her and thought, 17 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:49,020 "That's the woman I want to be the mother of my children"? 18 00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:52,090 - She's not sure. - Yeah, she calls it her little "sex party miracle." 19 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,220 Do you have to iron here? 20 00:00:54,260 --> 00:00:55,760 It's the only flat surface! 21 00:00:55,790 --> 00:00:57,490 Besides Winston's desk... but he's using it 22 00:00:57,530 --> 00:00:59,430 to study for his police academy test, 23 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:01,330 and he is "not to be disturbed." 24 00:01:01,370 --> 00:01:03,600 ♪ ♪ 25 00:01:08,140 --> 00:01:11,140 Not enough, not enough. 26 00:01:11,180 --> 00:01:13,180 There's an ironing board in the bathroom. 27 00:01:13,210 --> 00:01:16,280 I know, but I've been using that to wedge it between two urinals 28 00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:17,920 to keep Schmidt from peeking. 29 00:01:17,950 --> 00:01:21,820 - But fine, I'll use that! - SCHMIDT: Coach! Coach! 30 00:01:21,850 --> 00:01:24,990 My Charlie Rose episodes, all 18 of them, are gone. 31 00:01:25,020 --> 00:01:26,260 DVR is chockablock filled with 32 00:01:26,290 --> 00:01:28,430 American football matches, which, 33 00:01:28,460 --> 00:01:29,890 by the way, is a garbage... Oh! 34 00:01:31,660 --> 00:01:33,260 - We cool? - (Exhales) 35 00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:35,500 - Yeah, we cool. - Cool. 36 00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:36,770 What the hell just happened? 37 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,140 - Fight. - Yeah. Now it's over. 38 00:01:38,170 --> 00:01:39,670 I barely even remember it. 39 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,940 I cannot believe you guys handle things that way. 40 00:01:41,970 --> 00:01:44,610 I'm starting to think that neither one of you read 41 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:47,110 the Madeleine Albright biography I gave you for Christmas. 42 00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:49,480 (chuckles) I'm so glad we don't fight. 43 00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:51,450 - I know. - COACH: Oh, please. Women fight. 44 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:53,480 - Well, we occasionally get into a little thing. - Yeah, 45 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,620 I mean, like we just had that thing with the purse... 46 00:01:55,650 --> 00:01:57,620 - but that was, like, barely even a thing. - Yeah, 47 00:01:57,660 --> 00:02:00,060 that was nothing... I mean, there's no point in even talking about it. 48 00:02:00,090 --> 00:02:01,830 - Oh. - (Gasps) Oh. 49 00:02:01,860 --> 00:02:03,660 Oh. No, you should have that. 50 00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:05,660 - No, you should have it. - No, you take it. 51 00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:06,960 - No, you take it. - No, you take it. 52 00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:08,900 - I want you to take it. - No. Take it. 53 00:02:08,930 --> 00:02:10,370 Look, I want you to have it 54 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:11,800 'cause it would look good on you. 55 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,340 - No, it's made for you. You... - No. 56 00:02:15,010 --> 00:02:17,640 But then we both decided that it was better 57 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:19,380 if neither one of us bought it. 58 00:02:19,410 --> 00:02:21,180 - Yep. - The neon yellow purse? 59 00:02:21,210 --> 00:02:22,750 - With the strap? - Yeah, I've seen that. 60 00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:23,910 It's in your closet. 61 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,180 I wonder how many rubber duckies 62 00:02:26,220 --> 00:02:28,320 needed to die to make that thing. 63 00:02:28,350 --> 00:02:29,690 Uh, Schmidt, you don't know what you're talking about. 64 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:31,390 I got to run. 65 00:02:31,420 --> 00:02:32,960 Oh... 66 00:02:32,990 --> 00:02:34,830 - What? - Thank you so much for helping with the baby shower. 67 00:02:34,860 --> 00:02:36,760 - You know, you are just the best. - No, you're the best. 68 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,900 - Whoa. - Did I tell you I love your top, by the way? 69 00:02:38,930 --> 00:02:41,030 - No. Oh, I just found this in the back of my closet. - What's... what's happening? 70 00:02:41,070 --> 00:02:42,500 (whispers): You said too much. 71 00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:44,070 - So, I'll call you later? - Definitely. 72 00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:46,040 - Okay. Bye! - Bye! 73 00:02:48,910 --> 00:02:51,410 (door closes) 74 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,710 Oh, my God! 75 00:02:53,750 --> 00:02:56,180 What just happened? 76 00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:58,550 That's a girl fight. 77 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,200 Schmidt, stay out of it, man. 78 00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:08,330 Girl fights are dangerous, okay? 79 00:03:08,370 --> 00:03:09,570 I grew up with three sisters, 80 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,840 and I wore a cup until I was 14 years old. 81 00:03:11,870 --> 00:03:13,200 What's wrong? 82 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:17,410 They planned to wear braids and bows and didn't tell me on purpose. 83 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:20,080 There. Now you match. 84 00:03:27,750 --> 00:03:29,720 Well, congratulations on having sisters, 85 00:03:29,750 --> 00:03:31,720 but I know women. You blindfold me, 86 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,920 spin me around and drop me into a rainstorm, 87 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,590 and I'll still find the G-spot. 88 00:03:35,630 --> 00:03:37,260 - Schmidt... - Let us not forget that I had boobs 89 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,200 for the first 19 years of my life. 90 00:03:39,230 --> 00:03:41,170 I grew up as a fat, asexual friend-zoner. 91 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,230 You can't buy that kind of access. 92 00:03:43,270 --> 00:03:45,070 Schmidt, I'm talking about how women act towards other women. 93 00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:46,840 - You don't want to get in the middle of that. - Coach... 94 00:03:46,870 --> 00:03:48,540 Jess has the purse. I saw it in her closet 95 00:03:48,570 --> 00:03:50,410 when it was rainy and I was bored 96 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,280 and I was feeling snoopy. 97 00:03:52,310 --> 00:03:53,540 - COACH: No, no, no... - See? 98 00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:55,010 Look... the purse. 99 00:03:55,050 --> 00:03:57,250 In the immortal words of Tag Team, "Whoop. There it is." 100 00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:00,120 Fine. I went back and I bought the purse, 101 00:04:00,150 --> 00:04:01,690 'cause I love it. 102 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,590 (frustrated groan) I love purses. 103 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,690 And that doesn't mean I'm not a feminist, either. 104 00:04:06,730 --> 00:04:08,630 I'm a damn feminist who loves purses. 105 00:04:08,660 --> 00:04:11,300 Where else am I supposed to keep my feminist writings? 106 00:04:11,330 --> 00:04:13,300 In a purse, that's where. 107 00:04:13,330 --> 00:04:15,430 Lena Dunham. 108 00:04:15,470 --> 00:04:17,570 I don't know. I... 109 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,770 Jess, it's a purse. Who cares? Just apologize. 110 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,040 Cece and I have been friends for 20 years. 111 00:04:22,070 --> 00:04:25,380 Do you know why? Because we're passive-aggressive people. 112 00:04:25,410 --> 00:04:26,710 We never confront anything. 113 00:04:26,750 --> 00:04:29,310 That's the way it works with us. It always has. 114 00:04:29,350 --> 00:04:30,650 Hi. 115 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,080 Hi. 116 00:04:36,090 --> 00:04:38,390 And that was one of the worst fights we've ever had. 117 00:04:38,420 --> 00:04:40,120 And if I bring up the purse, 118 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:41,760 then everything else comes up with it. 119 00:04:41,790 --> 00:04:43,060 Too many things have happened. 120 00:04:43,090 --> 00:04:45,160 Women have amazing memories. 121 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:46,960 Because we used to be the gatherers, 122 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,400 and so we had to remember 123 00:04:48,430 --> 00:04:50,570 where all the best berries were hidden. 124 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:51,840 And Cece and I, 125 00:04:51,870 --> 00:04:56,310 we've hidden berries all across the Great Plains. 126 00:04:56,340 --> 00:04:57,780 Colorado, Kansas, 127 00:04:57,810 --> 00:04:59,080 Montana, 128 00:04:59,110 --> 00:05:01,410 Nebraska... need I say more? 129 00:05:01,450 --> 00:05:02,450 Coach gets it. 130 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,150 See, Cece and I, we're gonna be fine, 131 00:05:04,180 --> 00:05:06,150 'cause it's gonna play out the way it always does. 132 00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:07,180 We're not gonna talk for three days, 133 00:05:07,220 --> 00:05:08,250 and then I'll surprise her 134 00:05:08,290 --> 00:05:10,020 with a latte. And then we'll act 135 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:11,620 - like nothing happened. - Three days without Cece? 136 00:05:11,660 --> 00:05:13,160 Do I have to spend three days without Cece? 137 00:05:13,190 --> 00:05:15,090 Yes. I don't trust you around her. 138 00:05:15,130 --> 00:05:17,090 She makes you weak and penis-dumb. 139 00:05:17,130 --> 00:05:19,100 Three days without Cece? Why don't you just 140 00:05:19,130 --> 00:05:22,030 replace my shoes with bags and turn me into a lunatic? 141 00:05:22,070 --> 00:05:24,270 - Stay out of it, man. - Stay the hell out of it, bro. 142 00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:26,270 Here's a different take: Why don't I spend more time with her? 143 00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:28,040 - Stay out of it. - I'm confused. 144 00:05:28,070 --> 00:05:30,010 Now, should I... are you asking me 145 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:33,780 to spend more time with her or stay out of it? 146 00:05:33,810 --> 00:05:35,810 Like, for real? 147 00:05:42,020 --> 00:05:43,490 (groans) 148 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,860 I hate this. I hate first dates. 149 00:05:45,890 --> 00:05:46,990 Me, too. I hate all... 150 00:05:47,030 --> 00:05:48,260 I hate the second ones and the third ones 151 00:05:48,290 --> 00:05:49,390 - and the fourth ones. - Me, too. Yeah. Yeah. 152 00:05:49,430 --> 00:05:51,130 - I hate dates. - Mm-hmm. 153 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,260 - Yeah. - The first ones are the worst. 154 00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:53,760 Yeah. 155 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,400 - This is terrible. - They're terrible. They're awkward. 156 00:05:55,430 --> 00:05:57,430 - I feel like I'm being weird. - You're not being weird. 157 00:05:57,470 --> 00:05:58,540 - Yeah, I am. - I'm the weirdo. 158 00:05:58,570 --> 00:06:00,900 I wanted to do this all night. 159 00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:02,210 Oh. 160 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,710 That is so stupid. (Laughs) 161 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:08,510 - I hated that I did it. - I feel like I'm being weird, too. 162 00:06:08,550 --> 00:06:10,510 - How? - I don't know how. Just... 163 00:06:10,550 --> 00:06:13,580 - Well, now you are. - These sweaters. I got sweater shoulder. 164 00:06:13,620 --> 00:06:15,250 Now... when you do that, it's very weird. 165 00:06:15,290 --> 00:06:16,590 But before, it wasn't. 166 00:06:16,620 --> 00:06:18,190 Just don't do sweater shoulder. 167 00:06:18,220 --> 00:06:20,390 Please don't tell Tran how bad this is going. 168 00:06:20,430 --> 00:06:23,160 - Oh, I will. - Don't. It'll be so embarrassing. 169 00:06:23,190 --> 00:06:25,200 - Yeah. - He's probably my best friend. 170 00:06:25,230 --> 00:06:26,860 - Really? - Yes. 171 00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:28,500 You're not his best friend. 172 00:06:28,530 --> 00:06:30,000 (laughing) 173 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,700 That's a terrible thing to say. (Laughing) 174 00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,270 It's true. 175 00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:37,110 - This is going great. - Oh, God, I hate this. 176 00:06:37,140 --> 00:06:40,710 I just want to sit around and do nothing, but that is not hot. 177 00:06:40,750 --> 00:06:41,880 That's hot to me. 178 00:06:41,910 --> 00:06:43,110 You add some sweatpants 179 00:06:43,150 --> 00:06:44,750 to that, and that is better than porn. 180 00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:46,720 (chuckles) I love porn. 181 00:06:46,750 --> 00:06:50,850 But I like to mute it and come up with my own voices, like, 182 00:06:50,890 --> 00:06:53,220 (deeply): "Hey, that's a very interesting mesh cat suit." 183 00:06:53,260 --> 00:06:55,890 (high-pitched): "Thank you. It used to be my grandmother's." 184 00:06:55,930 --> 00:06:57,760 (laughs) Something like that. 185 00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,260 Cheers. 186 00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:00,300 Yeah. 187 00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:02,800 That was a weird cheers! 188 00:07:02,830 --> 00:07:04,370 Can we go?! 189 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,270 (laughs): Yes. Let's get out of here. This sucks! 190 00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:10,740 (chewing, speaking unintelligibly) 191 00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:12,210 So cute. 192 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,240 Yeah, it's like they're made for each other. 193 00:07:18,820 --> 00:07:21,120 - They haven't moved in three days. - Very weird. 194 00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:22,890 Alarming, even. 195 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:25,090 Wait, doesn't she work or... ? 196 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:26,590 Shouldn't you be studying? 197 00:07:26,630 --> 00:07:27,730 Or live somewhere? 198 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:29,160 Shouldn't you be studying? 199 00:07:29,190 --> 00:07:31,630 - Or have worried loved ones? - Studying? 200 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,330 Coach, this is gonna take some serious 201 00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:35,230 investigative police skills. 202 00:07:35,270 --> 00:07:37,640 But I'm on to her. 203 00:07:37,670 --> 00:07:39,500 I didn't know girls could be so slovenly. 204 00:07:39,540 --> 00:07:40,770 I did. I have sisters. 205 00:07:40,810 --> 00:07:41,810 Oh, my God, we know. 206 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:42,910 (grunts) 207 00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:44,280 We cool? 208 00:07:44,310 --> 00:07:45,980 We cool. 209 00:07:48,650 --> 00:07:50,950 Oh. Just who I was looking for. 210 00:07:50,980 --> 00:07:53,250 - Hey. - How would you like a piping hot latte? 211 00:07:53,290 --> 00:07:55,250 Thanks, Jess, but, you know, I, um... 212 00:07:55,290 --> 00:07:57,290 I can buy my own. 213 00:08:06,870 --> 00:08:08,370 What did you do? 214 00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:12,740 Is this about the socks? 215 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,160 You weren't supposed to talk to Cece. What happened? 216 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,470 Well, I had to see her. 217 00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:20,570 I can't go three days without seeing Cece. 218 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,770 (exhales) And it went just like you said it would. 219 00:08:24,210 --> 00:08:25,770 I'm gonna go get the purse. 220 00:08:25,810 --> 00:08:27,140 She played me like John Popper plays that 221 00:08:27,170 --> 00:08:28,480 little harmonica and fiddle thing. 222 00:08:28,510 --> 00:08:30,140 Ugh. She's like a robot scientist. 223 00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:32,350 And you're like a damn robot. 224 00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:35,150 And usually it's cute, except when you're robbing me. 225 00:08:35,180 --> 00:08:37,750 Jess, I'm sorry. So... what... what happens now? 226 00:08:37,790 --> 00:08:39,690 You bring her another coffee and you guys make up? 227 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,490 I don't know what happens now. 228 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,090 We're in unchartered territory 'cause you got involved. 229 00:08:44,130 --> 00:08:45,330 We're entering the abyss. 230 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:46,690 It's like the month I decided 231 00:08:46,730 --> 00:08:49,300 not to wear a bra. Those were dark times. 232 00:08:49,330 --> 00:08:53,300 - I had no support. Literally no support. - (Phone dings) 233 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,600 (scoffs) Cece just texted me 234 00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:59,370 - a smiley face. - Is that bad? 235 00:08:59,410 --> 00:09:02,440 No, she just texted me the world's first good smiley face. 236 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:05,150 I'm gonna text her... (chuckles) ... a yellow heart. 237 00:09:05,180 --> 00:09:08,550 No, uh, yellow heart, whale, 238 00:09:08,580 --> 00:09:10,550 - thumbs up. - (Whoosh) 239 00:09:10,590 --> 00:09:11,360 Well, that seems nice. 240 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:14,050 - (Whoosh) - (gasps)How dare she? Chinese man, 241 00:09:14,090 --> 00:09:15,860 ballerina, apartment building? 242 00:09:15,890 --> 00:09:18,860 - What does that mean? - Fine. Poop. Turban guy. Granny. 243 00:09:18,890 --> 00:09:19,770 - (whoosh, whoosh) - Don't text her poop. 244 00:09:19,770 --> 00:09:23,460 (Gasps) Explosion, monkey-see? You want to play dirty? Fine. 245 00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:25,030 - Slice of cake. Turtle. - (Whoosh) 246 00:09:25,070 --> 00:09:26,200 - Don't sen... Oh. - (Whoosh) (gasps) 247 00:09:26,230 --> 00:09:28,240 Double syringe? 248 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,310 Double syringe. 249 00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:35,540 You're right, Schmidt. 250 00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:38,550 Maybe it's time to dig up some berries. 251 00:09:38,580 --> 00:09:41,980 The gatherers have become the hunters. 252 00:09:42,020 --> 00:09:43,850 Be well. 253 00:09:45,050 --> 00:09:46,890 Wh... where are you... where are going? 254 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,990 L... leave those berries be. 255 00:09:49,020 --> 00:09:50,820 - Republican or Democrat? - West Wing. 256 00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:52,330 What's your favorite thing about America? 257 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,490 - Kentucky women. - Favorite part of The Rock? 258 00:09:54,530 --> 00:09:56,860 - "Welcome to the Rock." - Gorilla or monkey? 259 00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:59,170 - Gorilla, hands down. - Miranda or Carrie? 260 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,100 - Gorilla. - That's 100% perfect. 261 00:10:01,140 --> 00:10:02,570 - Unb... unbelievable. - Thank you. 262 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,440 The battery in the remote control is 263 00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:06,440 getting a little jumpy. I'm gonna go grab one 264 00:10:06,470 --> 00:10:07,670 out of the smoke detector. 265 00:10:07,710 --> 00:10:09,610 That's exactly where I get them. 266 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,050 Isn't she perfect? 267 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,010 In a word: No. 268 00:10:14,050 --> 00:10:15,950 Nick, you might want to sit down for this. 269 00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:17,080 - I'm already sitting. - Okay. 270 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:18,290 Well, look... 271 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:19,950 I put together a profile. 272 00:10:19,990 --> 00:10:21,120 Vague about where she lives. 273 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,020 - Okay. - No mention of a job. 274 00:10:23,060 --> 00:10:24,720 Always lets you pay. 275 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:27,130 Nick, my man, as unbelievable as this sounds... (chuckles) 276 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,960 ... you're her sugar daddy. 277 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,270 What kind of girl would want me as her sugar daddy? 278 00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:35,140 Only one kind: a homeless woman. 279 00:10:35,170 --> 00:10:37,040 - Kai is not homeless. - Nick, 280 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:39,870 I have been watching her for days now, okay? 281 00:10:39,910 --> 00:10:41,740 She... she eats like she doesn't know 282 00:10:41,780 --> 00:10:43,280 where her next meal is coming from. 283 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,650 She always dresses in layers, tons of layers. 284 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:48,380 She's not homeless. Her grandfather is Tran. 285 00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:50,420 - And where does he hang out? - A park bench. 286 00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:52,450 I think you're having a nervous breakdown. 287 00:10:52,490 --> 00:10:54,420 I really do. 288 00:10:54,460 --> 00:10:56,990 You're nuts. You want to avoid studying so much 289 00:10:57,020 --> 00:11:00,390 that you're making up lies about my new lover friend. 290 00:11:00,430 --> 00:11:01,930 Just leave us alone. 291 00:11:03,870 --> 00:11:05,600 Maybe you should... maybe you should give her 292 00:11:05,630 --> 00:11:07,900 our can opener. Everybody gives bums cans, 293 00:11:07,940 --> 00:11:09,670 but they can't open them cans. 294 00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,270 How are they gonna open the cans, Nick? 295 00:11:11,310 --> 00:11:12,610 Hey... 296 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,980 What are you... (stammers) 297 00:11:15,010 --> 00:11:16,740 Do you want a blanket? 298 00:11:16,780 --> 00:11:20,250 I must have fallen asleep reading. 299 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,680 - Nap with me. - Okay. 300 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:24,220 - Come on. - (Short chuckle) 301 00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:31,290 Just... gonna get some of these newspapers. 302 00:11:42,470 --> 00:11:45,810 - It's actually kind of nice. - See? 303 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,540 - (indistinct conversations) - More pink lemonade? 304 00:11:48,580 --> 00:11:50,940 I'm going to name baby... 305 00:11:50,980 --> 00:11:54,450 Baby, because it's funny. (Giggles) 306 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:57,050 (soft chuckle) 307 00:11:58,350 --> 00:12:00,890 Where is top of baby cage? 308 00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:04,360 Double syringe? 309 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,890 Hey, you. How's pee-pee? (Giggles) 310 00:12:06,930 --> 00:12:08,130 Oh, hello, Nadia. 311 00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:10,510 Coach, I need you. Jess and Cece 312 00:12:10,550 --> 00:12:12,480 are in a thing, and it is terrifying. 313 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,020 I'm pretty busy, but, all right, hold on, let me 314 00:12:15,050 --> 00:12:16,920 put down the stuff I've been working on. 315 00:12:16,950 --> 00:12:18,420 (softly grunting) 316 00:12:18,460 --> 00:12:19,920 Coach, 317 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,860 I am at the baby shower. 318 00:12:21,890 --> 00:12:23,330 You're at the... what? 319 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:24,730 Are you dumb? You're dumb. 320 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:26,500 You're very dumb. Get out of there. 321 00:12:26,530 --> 00:12:28,230 I panicked. I didn't know what else to do. 322 00:12:28,270 --> 00:12:30,300 I thought I could fix this. I gave Cece the purse. 323 00:12:30,330 --> 00:12:31,570 Obviously, it was a mistake. 324 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:32,800 Oh, God, look at them. 325 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,040 They're like silent, angry 326 00:12:34,070 --> 00:12:36,710 statues right now... it's terrifying and als... 327 00:12:36,740 --> 00:12:38,140 Maybe a little erotic. 328 00:12:39,210 --> 00:12:40,710 Okay, fine, it's very erotic. 329 00:12:40,750 --> 00:12:42,280 You know what? Coach, I'm telling you... 330 00:12:42,310 --> 00:12:43,950 I'm finding out that fear 331 00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:46,280 plays a big part in my sexuality. 332 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,020 Schmidt, what happens when two passive-aggressive people 333 00:12:48,050 --> 00:12:49,520 start confronting each other? 334 00:12:49,550 --> 00:12:51,420 - I don't know. What happens? - Anything! 335 00:12:51,460 --> 00:12:53,520 Anything can happen. That's what I'm telling you. 336 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,260 Are you ready for anything to happen? 337 00:12:55,290 --> 00:12:57,090 Obviously not. That's why I'm calling you. 338 00:12:57,130 --> 00:13:00,260 Did you wash your hair? It looks really clean. 339 00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:02,000 - (all quietly gasp) - (Jess gasps) 340 00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:04,230 I can help you end this. 341 00:13:04,270 --> 00:13:05,600 Do you know why? 342 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,140 Do you know why? I'm waiting. 343 00:13:08,170 --> 00:13:10,470 - Oh, my God, is it because you have sisters? - It's because 344 00:13:10,510 --> 00:13:12,940 I have sisters! And you know what that means? 345 00:13:12,980 --> 00:13:14,410 And that you know more about women than me. 346 00:13:14,450 --> 00:13:15,910 I know more about women than you. 347 00:13:15,950 --> 00:13:16,910 And that I'm a little dum-dum. 348 00:13:16,950 --> 00:13:18,920 And I'm a big smart-smart. 349 00:13:18,950 --> 00:13:21,080 Yeah. Now, here's what you're gonna do. 350 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,550 Get big like a bear. 351 00:13:22,590 --> 00:13:24,290 If that doesn't work, pee a circle 352 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,260 around yourself and light it on fire. 353 00:13:26,290 --> 00:13:28,120 I peed before I came... I had a root beer with lunch. 354 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:30,390 I'm on my way. Hey, uh, did you bring a gift? 355 00:13:30,430 --> 00:13:32,000 'Cause I don't want to be that guy. 356 00:13:32,030 --> 00:13:33,600 You know, the guy that doesn't bring a gift? 357 00:13:33,630 --> 00:13:35,270 - Just get over here. - All right, I'm coming. 358 00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:37,900 What? Coach. 359 00:13:37,940 --> 00:13:39,970 Coach, I can't turn the pages. 360 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,440 How am I gonna study if I can't turn the pages? 361 00:13:42,470 --> 00:13:44,170 Coach! 362 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,690 Hey. 363 00:13:48,730 --> 00:13:50,730 - (gagging) - Great catch. 364 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,670 Kai, I want to go to your place, okay? 365 00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:54,170 Wherever it is. 366 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,440 So don't be afraid, because I'm not afraid. 367 00:13:56,470 --> 00:13:58,740 I know I'm living this rock star life, 368 00:13:58,770 --> 00:14:01,710 but I'm still a man of the people. 369 00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:04,240 But I'm so comfortable. You really want to go outside, 370 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,910 get off this bed into the cold right now? 371 00:14:06,950 --> 00:14:08,880 Look, I like you for you, and... 372 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:10,580 Well, hell, I just hope, deep down, 373 00:14:10,620 --> 00:14:12,080 you like me for me and not 374 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,250 all the incredible stuff that I have. 375 00:14:15,620 --> 00:14:17,090 - Huh? - I mean, this room... 376 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,760 half this stuff is mine. 377 00:14:18,790 --> 00:14:20,930 I'm, like, I have enough pillowcases 378 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:23,900 for all my pillows, plus an extra pillowcase 379 00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:25,560 that I don't even use. 380 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,800 Ticket stubs to all the Bears games 381 00:14:27,830 --> 00:14:29,400 I've ever been to, except for one. 382 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,200 The guitar pic from 383 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,870 that guy who played with James Taylor that one night. 384 00:14:33,910 --> 00:14:35,810 A Frisbee that I'm currently 385 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,780 storing on my neighbor's roof. 386 00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:39,380 You know, an autographed 387 00:14:39,410 --> 00:14:42,280 Karate Kid II poster from Mr. Miyagi. 388 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,320 - R.I.P. - Hmm. 389 00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:46,150 But none of that matters. 390 00:14:46,190 --> 00:14:48,920 I want to be with you wherever you live. 391 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,590 I mean, hell, I've been cooped up 392 00:14:50,620 --> 00:14:52,120 in this palace for long enough. 393 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:55,460 Wow. Well, if it's that important. 394 00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,800 - (grunts) - (laughs) 395 00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:00,130 All right. Don't be nervous. 396 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,640 You know what? I'm gonna bring some extra blankets. 397 00:15:04,670 --> 00:15:06,170 Okay. 398 00:15:06,210 --> 00:15:08,340 Okay, just in case it's freezing, 'cause it's outs... 399 00:15:08,380 --> 00:15:10,080 Okay. 400 00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:11,580 JESS: And then, 401 00:15:11,610 --> 00:15:14,180 you told Mike Hannamin I was on my period! 402 00:15:14,210 --> 00:15:17,120 He wanted to know why you were wearing sweatpants in the pool! 403 00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,350 Okay, I was defending you! 404 00:15:19,390 --> 00:15:21,090 I have arrived! 405 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:22,420 Ah, Mr. Stripper. 406 00:15:22,460 --> 00:15:23,590 Okay, so what's next, Jess? 407 00:15:23,620 --> 00:15:25,290 20 years of fights are happening right now. 408 00:15:25,330 --> 00:15:26,990 They're getting into everything. 409 00:15:27,030 --> 00:15:29,000 How I intentionally didn't put gas in your car 410 00:15:29,030 --> 00:15:30,830 - on senior ditch day? - You did. You did. 411 00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:32,530 - I did not! - All right, ladies, stop it. 412 00:15:32,570 --> 00:15:35,600 I gave you the money, and you spent it on condoms and taffy. 413 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:37,440 By the way, that sounds like a hell of a day. 414 00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:40,540 Well, I wouldn't know. I was stranded on a beach being a virgin! 415 00:15:40,570 --> 00:15:43,540 But that's not the only time I've been stranded, now, is it? 416 00:15:43,580 --> 00:15:44,680 - I'm talking about Paris. - Oh, this is about Paris! 417 00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:46,480 - I'm talking about Paris. - I knew it! 418 00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:49,520 We had signed a lease. That's an agreement. 419 00:15:49,550 --> 00:15:52,180 And then you decide to take a modeling job in Paris, 420 00:15:52,220 --> 00:15:54,350 so I had to move in with Spencer? 421 00:15:54,390 --> 00:15:56,860 While you were being squired about the Louvre, 422 00:15:56,890 --> 00:16:01,790 I was having to pee on top of Spencer's pee to conserve water! 423 00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,330 You know, it's called mud-sharking, by the way. 424 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:05,130 - It's not my fault! - Stop it! 425 00:16:05,170 --> 00:16:06,800 I'm bored. 426 00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:08,000 Here's what you guys are gonna do. 427 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:09,140 You're gonna punch each other. 428 00:16:09,170 --> 00:16:10,500 Now I'm not bored. 429 00:16:10,540 --> 00:16:12,170 - I'm not doing that. - What? 430 00:16:12,210 --> 00:16:14,140 - I'm not doing that. - COACH: Well, you got to do something. 431 00:16:14,170 --> 00:16:16,680 Man up, punch each other and end this. 432 00:16:16,710 --> 00:16:18,010 - (sighs, sniffles) - COACH: You gotta have it out 433 00:16:18,050 --> 00:16:19,210 so you can get past this. 434 00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:20,880 Now I'm bored again. 435 00:16:20,910 --> 00:16:22,920 - Punch each other! - Now I'm not bored. 436 00:16:22,950 --> 00:16:24,050 Talk with your fist! 437 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,920 (sighs) I just want my... 438 00:16:26,950 --> 00:16:28,690 (screaming, overlapping shouting and chatter) 439 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:29,720 - Oh, no! - My goodness! 440 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,160 Back off! 441 00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:33,490 (grunting) 442 00:16:33,530 --> 00:16:34,730 - La... ladies? - Oh! 443 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,560 SCHMIDT: It's spreading. 444 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:37,330 Stop it! 445 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:38,900 Russian baby shower. 446 00:16:38,930 --> 00:16:41,030 (overlapping chatter, groaning) 447 00:16:41,070 --> 00:16:43,000 (groaning, indistinct chatter) 448 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:44,870 - Hey, hey, don't involve us, please. - Whoa. Hey, guys, no! 449 00:16:44,910 --> 00:16:47,610 - Break it up! Break it up! - (Grunting) 450 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,280 Baby shower! Baby shower, yeah! Baby shower! 451 00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:52,010 Oh, stop it! 452 00:16:52,050 --> 00:16:54,110 You stole my babysitter! 453 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,350 What are you doing? 454 00:16:58,390 --> 00:16:59,590 I'm having a situation. 455 00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:01,550 Oh, come on, dude. 456 00:17:01,590 --> 00:17:04,060 - Get off! - Fighting for no damn reason with me?! 457 00:17:04,090 --> 00:17:07,560 Come on, just... lie down and take it like a woman! 458 00:17:07,590 --> 00:17:09,900 - This is for Mike Hannamin. - (Groans) 459 00:17:09,930 --> 00:17:12,370 - (laughing) - (screaming) 460 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,630 Baby kick. Baby like. 461 00:17:14,670 --> 00:17:16,000 Yay! 462 00:17:26,090 --> 00:17:27,890 Do I look pretty? 463 00:17:27,930 --> 00:17:31,430 (both laughing) 464 00:17:31,460 --> 00:17:32,960 Do you feel, like, really good right now? 465 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,000 Yes! I thought I was crazy. 466 00:17:35,030 --> 00:17:36,800 No, you're not crazy. 467 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:38,840 I think I... I think I wanted 468 00:17:38,870 --> 00:17:40,840 to punch you for a really long time. 469 00:17:40,870 --> 00:17:44,910 - Felt that way. - Like maybe ten or 15 years. 470 00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:46,750 And it feels so good 471 00:17:46,780 --> 00:17:49,280 that right now we don't have to talk everything through. 472 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:50,820 Yeah. We can just punch it out. 473 00:17:50,850 --> 00:17:51,980 Oh, my God, I have missed you. 474 00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:54,450 (both laughing) 475 00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:56,290 I can't believe I've known you 20 years. 476 00:17:56,320 --> 00:18:00,830 And you're still my favorite person to talk to. 477 00:18:02,060 --> 00:18:04,300 And you're my favorite person to talk to. 478 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:06,770 I hate not talking to you. 479 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,370 I feel like I've missed everything! 480 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:09,800 You did miss everything. 481 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,000 So, does Nick have a girlfriend? 482 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:12,940 - Yes. So weird. - You okay? 483 00:18:12,970 --> 00:18:14,810 - Yes. So weird. - (Laughing) 484 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,780 So, is Nadia going to raise the baby in your apartment? 485 00:18:17,810 --> 00:18:19,780 Yeah, we haven't really talked about that yet. 486 00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:22,310 You should. 487 00:18:22,350 --> 00:18:24,550 (laughing) 488 00:18:24,580 --> 00:18:26,350 Craig Hodges. 489 00:18:26,390 --> 00:18:30,220 - Oh! - (Phone ringing) 490 00:18:30,260 --> 00:18:32,390 Hello. Nick. Nick, are you okay? 491 00:18:32,430 --> 00:18:34,060 - NICK: Winston? - Listen, listen, listen, Nick. 492 00:18:34,090 --> 00:18:35,360 - Winston. - Tell me everything. 493 00:18:35,390 --> 00:18:37,130 Winston, she's rich! 494 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:38,260 Yeah, she founded some company 495 00:18:38,300 --> 00:18:40,800 that sells fancy water bottles 496 00:18:40,830 --> 00:18:43,740 to rich people to pay for digging wells in Africa. 497 00:18:43,770 --> 00:18:45,300 She sold the company, so now 498 00:18:45,340 --> 00:18:47,140 she works whenever she wants. 499 00:18:47,170 --> 00:18:48,840 It's a scam called consulting. 500 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,310 You see, I knew it. 501 00:18:50,340 --> 00:18:52,140 I knew there was something weird. I was right! 502 00:18:52,180 --> 00:18:55,010 You were wrong about literally everything. 503 00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,980 But I knew there was gonna be a twist, though. 504 00:18:57,020 --> 00:18:58,820 Okay, do you realize how much time you've wasted, 505 00:18:58,850 --> 00:19:00,150 and you're not studying? 506 00:19:00,190 --> 00:19:03,520 Sweet Baby LeBron James, I screwed up. 507 00:19:08,030 --> 00:19:10,030 (groans) 508 00:19:10,060 --> 00:19:11,760 Hey, I should probably get going. 509 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,370 I got to get to work. 510 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,830 Yeah, it's karaoke night, 511 00:19:14,870 --> 00:19:16,230 so I got to get there early enough 512 00:19:16,270 --> 00:19:17,840 to break the karaoke machine. 513 00:19:17,870 --> 00:19:20,240 How much will you make tonight? 514 00:19:20,270 --> 00:19:22,870 Ah, it depends how much I drink, but probably about 140 bucks. 515 00:19:28,610 --> 00:19:30,180 What is this? 516 00:19:30,220 --> 00:19:33,820 I raise you to $200. 517 00:19:35,460 --> 00:19:37,920 Now you can stay. 518 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,390 Deal. 519 00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:41,560 Oh. (Laughs) 520 00:19:41,590 --> 00:19:42,930 I'm like a boy hooker. 521 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,200 (both laugh) 522 00:19:44,230 --> 00:19:45,600 Thank you. 523 00:19:45,630 --> 00:19:46,970 Are you crying? 524 00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:50,540 Don't look at me. 525 00:19:50,570 --> 00:19:52,370 I want to look pretty. You paid for it. 526 00:19:52,410 --> 00:19:53,870 (both laugh) 527 00:19:54,210 --> 00:19:56,040 Nadia is the one who broke my thing. 528 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:57,640 Wait, you were serious about that? 529 00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,240 Yes. That was her. I'm telling you. 530 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,210 She's going to have to childproof the corners 531 00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:03,310 of her cha-cha before that baby comes out. 532 00:20:03,350 --> 00:20:04,650 Oh, Cecilia. 533 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,320 Thank goodness. Look at you. You're still pretty. 534 00:20:07,350 --> 00:20:08,350 And, Jess, you know, 535 00:20:08,390 --> 00:20:09,650 you... you look the same. 536 00:20:09,690 --> 00:20:10,890 COACH: I'm sorry about making you guys 537 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,820 - punch each other. - Don't be sorry. 538 00:20:12,860 --> 00:20:14,230 - You're so right. - Mm. 539 00:20:14,260 --> 00:20:16,030 We've wasted so much time being passive-aggressive. 540 00:20:16,060 --> 00:20:17,860 - We learned our lesson. - Yeah. 541 00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:20,230 - Well, we're very smart. - That means a lot. Thank you. 542 00:20:20,270 --> 00:20:21,900 Seriously, if you guys fought like girls, 543 00:20:21,930 --> 00:20:23,540 you'd still be arguing over the fact 544 00:20:23,570 --> 00:20:25,900 that you recorded football over your Charlie Rose episodes. 545 00:20:25,940 --> 00:20:28,170 It's all good, man. Yeah, well, it's nothing. 546 00:20:28,210 --> 00:20:29,940 Mm-hmm, and the girl Schmidt would be like, 547 00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:32,140 "Oh, does Coach just think I'm a pretentious poseur 548 00:20:32,180 --> 00:20:33,980 who just records things to look smart 549 00:20:34,010 --> 00:20:36,820 because deep down, I am just terrifyingly insecure 550 00:20:36,850 --> 00:20:38,580 about my intelligence?" 551 00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:40,490 JESS: Yeah, and girl Coach would be, like, 552 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,350 "Does Schmidt think that I'm an uncultured meathead 553 00:20:42,390 --> 00:20:44,160 who has to rewatch football 554 00:20:44,190 --> 00:20:46,560 because I'm afraid of showing anyone my softer side?" 555 00:20:46,590 --> 00:20:47,730 (clears throat quietly) 556 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:51,030 (Cece and Jess laugh) 557 00:20:53,270 --> 00:20:54,600 Hey, man. 558 00:20:54,630 --> 00:20:56,030 - Oh, hey, Coach. - Aw, hey, you. 559 00:20:56,070 --> 00:20:57,950 - That's nice. - Oh, this? 560 00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,620 I... I don't know. Thanks, I guess. 561 00:20:59,660 --> 00:21:01,590 - I'm kind of whatever about it. - No. 562 00:21:01,630 --> 00:21:02,960 What do you got there? 563 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,460 Oh, me? Uh, just some sneakers. 564 00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:05,900 (laughs) I hope they're okay. 565 00:21:05,930 --> 00:21:07,630 I don't have an eye for things like you. 566 00:21:07,670 --> 00:21:10,170 Well, yeah, you do. Come on, don't be so hard on yourself. 567 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,970 - Your eye is so good. - I'm sure they're great. 568 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,170 - I... - Not that you could look bad in anything really. 569 00:21:14,210 --> 00:21:15,170 (laughs) 570 00:21:15,210 --> 00:21:17,340 - (groans) - (groans) Son of a... 571 00:21:17,380 --> 00:21:18,910 (groans) Thank you for that. 572 00:21:18,940 --> 00:21:20,610 - Yeah, thanks, man. - Anytime. 573 00:21:20,650 --> 00:21:22,650 - We cool? - Yeah, we cool. 574 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,420 (whistles) 575 00:21:24,450 --> 00:21:26,450 Ooh, boy. 576 00:21:26,490 --> 00:21:27,650 How many pages are in this thing? 577 00:21:28,390 --> 00:21:30,390 Darius Miles. Oh! 578 00:21:32,690 --> 00:21:33,840 That's in there? 579 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:35,270 Jordan! 580 00:21:36,140 --> 00:21:37,800 Massaging is illegal? 581 00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:40,470 What? 582 00:21:42,570 --> 00:21:43,950 Gotta download a song.