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- (British accent): Hello!
- Hey. - Hi.
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Happy St. Valentine's Day, mates.
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I just spent the week at Ryan's,
and it was absolutely lovely.
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COACH: Fake accent, smug
attitude... This is exactly why
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the teachers have turned on Jyan.
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Jyan?! Come on!
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You chose the worst parts of both our names.
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That's why we chose it. Haters gonna "H."
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That's why Ryan has to find a new job.
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You know, I hear Elijah Wood's
looking for a stunt double.
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(laughter)
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He's so small!
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Get back in that tree and make me
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- some cookies, Ryan! Cookies!
- Yeah!
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I know, so hot, right?
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Anyway, what's going on in your little lives?
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Well, I'm just enjoying the fruits of dating
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a semi-powerful local politician.
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Tonight, it's a Valentine's Day
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cardiologists' soiree.
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- Check that out.
- Oh!
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Oh, my goodness. Is that the invitation?
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Wait, that's a real heart? Looks like meat.
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- It's not shaped like this?
- Yeah, well, you know,
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the cardiologists feel
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that the traditional cartoon heart, uh...
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- promotes ignorance.
- That's gross.
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Where's Nick? How is he
handling the breakup with Kai?
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I don't know... I haven't seen
Fat Fat Fatty in a long time.
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- Yeah, me, either.
- Yeah, I haven't seen him since the breakup.
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You live in the same room as him.
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I've been crashing in your
room while you're away.
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Is Nick missing?
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No, he is not.
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- Oh, boy.
- (chuckling): Hey.
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SCHMIDT: Oh, wow. COACH: You look terrible.
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Hey, Nick. Are you covered in gravy?
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Nope. I've been in my room
for the last week sleeping
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and thinking
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and really getting into
the comic strip Cathy.
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Oh, I'm really excited that we
can finally talk about Cathy.
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When she's mad, she says, "Ack."
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- Ack.
- Ack.
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- Ack!
- Nick, why would you come out here?
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Sounds like you were doing
pretty good in there.
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Doug's Ale House.
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- The new bar on Sixth and Spring?
- No.
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The exact coordinates
to complete my bar crawl
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that I've been working
on for almost a decade.
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- Mmm.
- What?! - Ooh.
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- SCHMIDT: Big day.
- Thanks.
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And guess what? Good news.
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(imitates drumroll)
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It's tonight! Who's in?
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- Oh...
- WINSTON: You know, I'm on call at the station tonight,
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so I can't really drink, so...
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Fawn's speaking at a cardiologist event.
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Ryan and I have a reservation at
a really fancy restaurant, so...
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You're probably thinking,
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"Oh, a bar crawl on Valentine's Day...
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Is this about Nick's breakup with Kai?" No.
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- Yeah.
- Now you might be asking yourself,
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"Is attendance really mandatory?"
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You bet it is.
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Bar crawl!
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Hmm...
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He's about to crack. We have to go tonight.
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So I have news about a bar Cr...
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Was I just out here talking to
you guys about the bar crawl?
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Did I already pitch it all to you?
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Well, it's happening tonight!
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00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:53,940
Okay, so we hit six bars in five hours.
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00:02:53,970 --> 00:02:55,440
Wait, wouldn't six hours make more sense?
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Yeah, that'd make sense
'cause it all divides...
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No, no, it doesn't, because it's...
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it's five hours.
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Now, the amazing thing is,
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00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:06,320
if you connect all the
coordinates, the six bars
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form a perfect smiley
face on the map... look.
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You didn't actually connect
all the coordinates.
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00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:12,360
- Oh, my...
- WINSTON: Hey, I think
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it is a really cool smiley face.
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- Thank you.
- I got your back, man. I got your back.
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Actually, I have all your backs, all right?
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Uh, since I can't drink tonight,
I am your designated buddy.
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Here in my backpack, I have a list of items
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that we may need.
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I got water, so...
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- I got towels for everybody.
- Perfect.
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I got... small stick.
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- Speaks for itself.
- Oh.
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Oh. Also... one female condom.
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It's gonna go quick, so I'll
let you two fight it out.
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CECE: Uh-uh. Also, I got
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- tissues for you, Nick, 'cause...
- What for?
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It's-it's Valentine's Day,
and your girlfriend broke up.
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- You guys can be sad...
- Move it right along, man.
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Cool it. And the bar crawl starts...
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- now!
- Now!
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(all cheering and whooping)
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Actually, where's Schmidt?
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Well, it's with a heavy heart...
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(laughing): Oh! that we
really must leave you.
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We really must. He's too
much. It was a pleasure.
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Pleasure.
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Easy on the puns, okay?
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00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:03,310
And you've got broccoli in your teeth.
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Remember what I told you about
eating at public functions?
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- Only use your back teeth.
- Only use your back teeth.
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Hey, Fawn, I'm sorry. We should probably get
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to Nick's bar crawl now, yeah?
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You remember? I confirmed it
like ten times with your intern.
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Yes, yes, yes, no.
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First, I need to, uh, schmooze
some vascular surgeons.
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Gotta get a discount on my
spider vein removal. Okay?
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Okay, ten minutes tops.
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We're still going to dinner, 'cause it took
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a lot to get this reservation.
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Also, we can't get wasted
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'cause it's a very nice restaurant.
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Which means we have to pretend
to drink in front of Nick.
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Is that really necessary?
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Oh, yakkety-yakkety-yak.
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Don't ruin my bar crawl.
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Let's go. Drink.
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- Mmm.
- Mmm.
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Mmm, mmm.
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Boom!
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I'm gonna outdrink you tonight, Miller.
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Cece, your mouth is writing a check
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that your body can't find. (Winston laughs)
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That's not an expression.
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Regionally specific to Northern Illinois.
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We say it all the time.
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- Thank you, Winston.
- You're welcome.
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Don't write a check your body can't find.
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(laughs) Every day, man.
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- For real.
- Got to. Got to.
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A gimlet for May.
140
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Thank you.
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00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,770
Watch and learn, player.
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If you're a girl and you're
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in a bar on Valentine's Day,
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you're basically saying,
"Hello. Good February.
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I'm interested in casual sex."
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(chuckles) Hmm.
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May, huh?
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- That's your name?
- Yeah.
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Ah, that's crazy 'cause,
uh... (coughing loudly)
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(clears throat, groans)
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I know I just met you,
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but your name's already
written... on my heart.
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It's fate, baby.
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- It's fate... seriously?
- NICK: All right, come on! Five-minute
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- warning, let's go.
- Dude, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
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Oh, no, nope, you're in
the middle of nothing,
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because that's the cheesiest
thing I've ever seen.
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(chuckles) She hates you, Ernie.
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But I don't like her for
you, anyway. Let's go.
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- Wait, what do you mean?
- RYAN: I just don't know
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what to do. No schools are hiring.
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I've contacted everyone I know.
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I even checked through all
my contacts in England,
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00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:48,610
including my old headmaster
at Wellington Prep,
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to see if he knew of anything in the States.
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♪ Where there's a will, there's a ♪
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♪ Wellington way. ♪ (giggles)
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- How do you know the Wellington fight song?
- You sing it in your sleep.
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- Oh, God.
- Look, don't worry,
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00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,960
- you're gonna find a job.
- I'm just worried about not seeing you
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00:06:00,990 --> 00:06:02,790
- as much if I switch schools.
- Well...
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00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:04,600
I'll just have to sleep over more.
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00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:06,630
Or you could move in with me.
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Did the music just get louder?
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(Nick whoops) The crawl rolls on
176
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:15,240
and Winston's got the rear!
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- Let's go!
- CECE: Let's go.
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00:06:16,270 --> 00:06:17,340
(whooping)
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00:06:17,370 --> 00:06:18,810
WINSTON: Let's go, let's go, let's go.
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Let's go with the backpack
in the back of the pack.
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Hey, so listen, can't make the crawl. Bummed.
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- What?
- But remember... tomorrow we have that photo shoot,
183
00:06:28,390 --> 00:06:30,220
and I'm gonna need you to look as Mexican
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00:06:30,250 --> 00:06:31,530
as possible, okay?
185
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:32,690
It's not okay. We should be together.
186
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,060
It's Valentine's Day.
187
00:06:34,090 --> 00:06:35,660
Come on, you don't really care
188
00:06:35,690 --> 00:06:37,230
about Valentine's Day, do you?
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00:06:37,260 --> 00:06:38,430
I don't know, maybe I do.
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00:06:38,460 --> 00:06:39,470
Plus, you owe me.
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00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:40,640
I ran the teleprompter at your
192
00:06:40,670 --> 00:06:42,540
last debate... I made "Fawn is Fine"
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00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:44,240
bumper stickers on my own dime.
194
00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:47,240
- Yeah.
- Even krumped at that anti-gang initiative.
195
00:06:47,270 --> 00:06:49,270
(hip-hop song playing)
196
00:06:52,740 --> 00:06:54,550
Yeah, I have mixed feelings about that.
197
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:55,950
- Me, too. The point is,
- Yeah.
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00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:57,450
I'm tired of always doing your things.
199
00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,750
What do you want? You want
a... You want a photo op?
200
00:06:59,780 --> 00:07:01,360
Or do you want a boyfriend?
201
00:07:01,390 --> 00:07:03,550
- Call me when you know what you want.
- Yeah, okay.
202
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:06,130
♪ ♪
203
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,560
This bar completes the eyes
204
00:07:08,590 --> 00:07:10,000
on my smiley face.
205
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:11,230
Miller, man, it's just an honor
206
00:07:11,260 --> 00:07:12,570
to be on this bar crawl with you.
207
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,940
Just serving your vision.
208
00:07:13,970 --> 00:07:15,770
Are you guys going on a bar crawl?
209
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,470
I just got dumped, so this holiday
210
00:07:17,500 --> 00:07:19,770
is really kicking me in the penis.
211
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,510
Me, too, man. Me, too.
212
00:07:21,540 --> 00:07:22,740
It's been a real
213
00:07:22,770 --> 00:07:24,410
kick in the gooch.
214
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,580
Not anymore, it's not.
215
00:07:26,610 --> 00:07:27,850
'Cause you're joining us.
216
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,150
Valentine's Day
217
00:07:29,180 --> 00:07:30,690
might be for couples,
218
00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:33,050
but the crawl is for all.
219
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,290
Yes. We just got our motto, folks.
220
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:38,190
ALL: The bar crawl is for all!
221
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:44,170
Good evening, happy Valentine's Day.
222
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:45,570
May I offer you a piece of my hear...?
223
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,340
Hey.
224
00:07:47,370 --> 00:07:48,670
You again.
225
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:50,670
I'm curious, d-do you actually
think that's gonna work?
226
00:07:50,700 --> 00:07:52,510
I mean, you tell me.
227
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,310
(imitates heart pumping)
228
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:55,980
Are you trolling bars on Valentine's Day
229
00:07:56,010 --> 00:07:58,350
trying to find sad single
girls to hook up with you?
230
00:07:58,380 --> 00:08:00,750
I'm not gonna say yes,
and I'm not gonna say no.
231
00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:02,850
Because I know it would be a lie.
232
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:03,850
So yes.
233
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:05,320
I'm gonna...
234
00:08:05,350 --> 00:08:06,420
- I'm gonna take these.
- Don't!
235
00:08:06,450 --> 00:08:07,820
- Yep.
- Paid $3.50 for those.
236
00:08:07,850 --> 00:08:09,660
You owe me $3.50.
237
00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:11,890
I don't know, it's just such a huge step
238
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,330
and so early in the
relationship, and I thought
239
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,560
that I could skip the question
240
00:08:14,590 --> 00:08:16,030
and come back to it later,
241
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:18,570
which is the strategy I
taught my S.A.T. prep course.
242
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:19,930
All right, let's do pros and cons.
243
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,670
Okay, pros... I love him.
244
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:24,410
I love his house, I love his accent.
245
00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:26,670
When he says "raccoon" he
says it like "rac-coon."
246
00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:28,370
- Adorable.
- Cons...
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00:08:29,370 --> 00:08:31,510
His toaster is super-old.
248
00:08:31,540 --> 00:08:34,020
WOMAN: Ugh! I tried to stay out
of this, but move in with him!
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00:08:34,050 --> 00:08:36,350
Yeah, well, I-I want to
move in with him, but...
250
00:08:36,380 --> 00:08:37,850
No "but," there's no damn "but."
251
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,590
- No "but."
- But...
252
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:43,220
what if I blew it by
pretending I didn't hear him?
253
00:08:43,250 --> 00:08:45,090
Or maybe it wasn't that obvious.
254
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,230
Nah, she heard me, it was very obvious.
255
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:48,760
I really hate to see you upset.
256
00:08:48,790 --> 00:08:50,200
You know, if I had something to g...
257
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:51,600
You know what, I do have something.
258
00:08:51,630 --> 00:08:53,370
I have a bag of nuts in my bag.
259
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,770
Do you want a bag of nuts?
260
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,570
NICK: Maybe she didn't hear you.
261
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,210
- You know, she's got a lot of hair.
- Mm.
262
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,210
And hair blocks sound.
263
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:03,380
It happened when we were dating all the time.
264
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:04,980
Hey, did you get a chance to read
265
00:09:05,010 --> 00:09:06,440
my Walking Dead fan fiction, yet?
266
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:09,480
What'd you think?
267
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,720
Well, here's the good news, lad.
268
00:09:13,750 --> 00:09:14,890
We have a solution.
269
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,060
It's God's gift to man.
270
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:18,790
- It's alcohol.
- I can't.
271
00:09:18,820 --> 00:09:21,600
We agreed to pretend-drink
so we could go out to dinner.
272
00:09:21,630 --> 00:09:23,100
Are you saying that 'cause you want me
273
00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:25,100
- to go to jail for murder?
- No.
274
00:09:25,130 --> 00:09:26,500
No, 'cause I'm gonna murder you
275
00:09:26,530 --> 00:09:28,500
if you're pretend-drinking on my bar crawl!
276
00:09:28,530 --> 00:09:30,640
And you're breaking my heart!
277
00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:31,970
You can't fight
278
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,310
the crawl.
279
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,940
It's like fighting a hurricane.
280
00:09:34,970 --> 00:09:36,140
You know what a hurricane is?
281
00:09:36,170 --> 00:09:37,310
Do you guys have those over the pond?
282
00:09:37,340 --> 00:09:38,750
We don't, but I know what it is.
283
00:09:38,780 --> 00:09:39,750
- You guys don't have them?
- No.
284
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:40,920
- They're awful.
- Mm-hmm.
285
00:09:40,950 --> 00:09:42,950
It's like fighting one of those.
286
00:09:42,980 --> 00:09:45,350
And a hurricane doesn't have fists,
287
00:09:45,380 --> 00:09:47,190
so just, bang, you lose!
288
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:48,960
- Let's drink.
- Yeah, man.
289
00:09:48,990 --> 00:09:49,990
- Yeah!
- USA!
290
00:09:50,020 --> 00:09:51,290
- USA!
- Yeah! - USA!
291
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:52,430
USA! (whoops)
292
00:09:52,460 --> 00:09:53,430
And also where you're from!
293
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,230
- Mmm.
- To show respect.
294
00:09:56,690 --> 00:09:58,770
Well, happy V-Day to me.
295
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,440
Fawn and I are on the rocks.
296
00:10:00,470 --> 00:10:02,440
By the way, a pun that would have killed
297
00:10:02,470 --> 00:10:03,770
at last week's geologist ball.
298
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,110
(whispering): Let's murder her.
299
00:10:06,140 --> 00:10:07,280
What?!
300
00:10:07,310 --> 00:10:08,510
I want chicken wings.
301
00:10:08,540 --> 00:10:09,610
I know.
302
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:10,880
How many drinks you had tonight?
303
00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:14,080
Nine plus three minus one.
304
00:10:14,110 --> 00:10:15,950
Oh, no. That's...
305
00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:17,720
Because I'm gonna out-drink Miller.
306
00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:19,390
You are gonna out-drink Miller?
No one out-drinks Miller.
307
00:10:19,420 --> 00:10:21,260
- I do.
- I guarantee you, you don't.
308
00:10:21,290 --> 00:10:23,060
You don't know me.
309
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,030
Cece, Nick just got dumped, okay?
310
00:10:25,060 --> 00:10:27,630
He has a depth of anger and sadness
311
00:10:27,660 --> 00:10:29,030
that rests between his eyes,
312
00:10:29,060 --> 00:10:31,030
and he can drink forever and ever and ever.
313
00:10:31,060 --> 00:10:32,700
You'll lose every time.
314
00:10:32,730 --> 00:10:34,340
Hey, it's my business partner
315
00:10:34,370 --> 00:10:35,840
that I was telling you about... Schmidt!
316
00:10:35,870 --> 00:10:38,710
ALL: Schmidt!
317
00:10:38,740 --> 00:10:40,780
- Nick, who are all these people?
- These are the crawlers.
318
00:10:40,810 --> 00:10:44,480
The single, the lonely, the close-talkers,
319
00:10:44,510 --> 00:10:47,480
the shockingly pale, the stank-mouths,
320
00:10:47,510 --> 00:10:49,280
fat boys in the back... (whoops twice)
321
00:10:49,310 --> 00:10:51,490
(crawlers whoop twice, in
response) The chubby-fronts,
322
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:52,990
the delusionally-okay with themselves...
323
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:55,890
but no one is alone tonight because...
324
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,560
ALL (chanting): The crawl is for all!
325
00:10:57,590 --> 00:11:00,530
The crawl is for all! The crawl is for all!
326
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,160
I just want chicken wings.
327
00:11:02,190 --> 00:11:03,960
Oh, you're hammered, Cece.
328
00:11:07,180 --> 00:11:10,230
- Hey.
- Hey, Jess, I'm drinking fire.
329
00:11:10,260 --> 00:11:12,070
- That seems dangerous.
- Mm...
330
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:15,070
Um, I wanted to talk to you
about what you said before.
331
00:11:15,100 --> 00:11:17,400
What did I say? I can't remember.
332
00:11:17,430 --> 00:11:19,740
You don't, you don't remember what you said?
333
00:11:19,770 --> 00:11:21,770
No, I embraced the crawl.
334
00:11:22,910 --> 00:11:24,650
Oh.
335
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,380
WINSTON AND NICK: ♪
When it's cold outside ♪
336
00:11:26,410 --> 00:11:28,380
That sounded, that's where we're at.
337
00:11:28,410 --> 00:11:30,990
♪ I've got the month of May ♪
338
00:11:31,020 --> 00:11:32,750
- I'm up here.
- Good, okay, I'm down here.
339
00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:34,690
Okay, here we go, check it out.
340
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,690
♪ I guess ♪
341
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,690
♪ You'd say ♪
342
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,700
♪ What can make me feel this way? ♪
343
00:11:42,730 --> 00:11:43,700
Here we go!
344
00:11:43,730 --> 00:11:45,230
♪ Bar crawl ♪
345
00:11:45,260 --> 00:11:47,100
♪ Bar crawl, bar crawl ♪
346
00:11:47,130 --> 00:11:50,440
♪ Talkin' 'bout bar crawl ♪
347
00:11:50,470 --> 00:11:52,370
♪ Bar crawl ♪ (whooping)
348
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:54,380
Where my altos at?
349
00:11:54,410 --> 00:11:55,940
Come on, now, don't be shy! I see you!
350
00:11:55,970 --> 00:11:58,180
(boos, chuckles)
351
00:11:58,210 --> 00:11:59,180
Oh, no.
352
00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:01,280
NICK: And mic drop. Who's next?
353
00:12:01,310 --> 00:12:03,080
- No. What?!
- No.
354
00:12:03,110 --> 00:12:04,690
- Damn it!
- Are you following me?
355
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,090
No, I'm not following you, dude.
356
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,620
Do you have any nicer, sluttier friends?
357
00:12:07,650 --> 00:12:10,390
Yeah, I do, and I'm never
introducing them to you.
358
00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:12,230
- That's messed up.
- And they're real dirty.
359
00:12:12,260 --> 00:12:14,530
- Aw!
- Can I have a gimlet, please?
360
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,060
- I.D.?
- Seriously? Why?
361
00:12:16,090 --> 00:12:17,260
'Cause you ordered a dumb drink.
362
00:12:17,290 --> 00:12:19,670
(goofy laughing)
363
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:21,170
(snickering)
364
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,500
Oh...
365
00:12:23,530 --> 00:12:25,170
(woman sighs) COACH: Ah.
366
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,240
- Thank you.
- You got a Kansas license.
367
00:12:27,270 --> 00:12:28,640
That's where I learned to drive,
368
00:12:28,670 --> 00:12:30,240
and I have an emotional attachment to it,
369
00:12:30,270 --> 00:12:32,010
and I don't need to explain that to you.
370
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,150
No, you don't, but...
371
00:12:34,180 --> 00:12:36,180
- You're from Kansas?
- Yup.
372
00:12:36,210 --> 00:12:38,190
Well, I'm from all over. Army brat.
373
00:12:38,220 --> 00:12:39,190
Me, too.
374
00:12:39,220 --> 00:12:40,250
- You are?
- Yes.
375
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:42,020
Uh, you ever lived in North Carolina?
376
00:12:42,050 --> 00:12:43,660
From 1989 to 1992.
377
00:12:43,690 --> 00:12:45,130
- I lived there in '93.
- No.
378
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,090
- You ever live in Germany?
- Dusseldorf in '96!
379
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:48,860
Lived there in '97!
380
00:12:48,890 --> 00:12:50,830
That's so weird.
381
00:12:50,860 --> 00:12:54,470
So, we've, like, just missed
each other for our entire lives.
382
00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:57,710
And then we meet, like, three
times in a row in one night.
383
00:12:57,740 --> 00:13:00,010
(laughs) Seems a little weird.
384
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,210
It's kind of like, uh...
385
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,850
- Fate?
- No.
386
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,950
- I know! I can't believe I said that!
- Why did you say that?
387
00:13:06,980 --> 00:13:08,120
- That's so cheesy.
- Oh, I hate that!
388
00:13:08,150 --> 00:13:09,720
NICK: Hey, Coach!
389
00:13:09,750 --> 00:13:11,350
- Coach!
- I don't know them.
390
00:13:11,380 --> 00:13:13,650
I got a female condom if you
need it, my man! (whoops)
391
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:15,860
Don't hold this against me, please.
392
00:13:15,890 --> 00:13:18,060
CECE (groaning): Oh, God...
393
00:13:18,090 --> 00:13:19,060
Here, Cece, have some water.
394
00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:21,460
No, thank you. No.
395
00:13:21,490 --> 00:13:24,160
Valentine's Day just sucks.
396
00:13:24,190 --> 00:13:27,230
- I don't know. I kind of like it.
- Since when?
397
00:13:27,260 --> 00:13:31,810
Since a few years ago... since
three years ago, to be exact.
398
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:33,810
Oh, what happened three...?
399
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,680
Oh.
400
00:13:35,710 --> 00:13:38,150
It was when you first took a chance on me.
401
00:13:38,180 --> 00:13:40,150
And we humped until the sun came out.
402
00:13:40,180 --> 00:13:42,250
Did all the things that R. Kelly raps about.
403
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,180
Yeah, I know. I was there.
404
00:13:44,210 --> 00:13:46,250
It was the best night of my life,
405
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,020
and ever since then,
406
00:13:48,050 --> 00:13:49,890
Valentine's Day has always
been my favorite holiday,
407
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:51,330
and I hope that you don't remember
408
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,500
that I have said any of
these things tomorrow.
409
00:13:54,530 --> 00:13:56,560
Oh, it's gonna happen again.
410
00:13:56,590 --> 00:13:58,270
It's gonna... Oh.
411
00:13:58,300 --> 00:13:59,670
It's gonna happen again.
412
00:13:59,700 --> 00:14:01,070
- All right.
- Oh...
413
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,500
(coughing)
414
00:14:02,530 --> 00:14:04,100
Somehow, this isn't repulsive.
415
00:14:04,130 --> 00:14:06,870
It's not great, but it
certainly isn't the worst.
416
00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:08,710
JESS: I'm so sorry that I pretended
417
00:14:08,740 --> 00:14:10,240
not to hear you.
418
00:14:10,270 --> 00:14:12,450
It's just that... I wasn't ready for it,
419
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,210
and sometimes you mumble with your accent,
420
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,280
and I never fully understand you.
421
00:14:16,310 --> 00:14:18,550
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
422
00:14:18,580 --> 00:14:20,450
I asked you to move in
with me out of the blue.
423
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,390
What kind of... nutter does that?
424
00:14:22,420 --> 00:14:26,090
The craziest mother nutter
in the whole damn place!
425
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,560
Ryan Geauxinue,
426
00:14:28,590 --> 00:14:30,860
will you move in with me?
427
00:14:30,890 --> 00:14:32,300
I have my own home.
428
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:34,600
You live in a loft with
four guys and a urinal.
429
00:14:34,630 --> 00:14:35,800
Will you move in with me?
430
00:14:35,830 --> 00:14:38,140
Yes.
431
00:14:38,170 --> 00:14:39,470
- Yes?
- Yes!
432
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:40,840
- Yes!
- Absolutely.
433
00:14:40,870 --> 00:14:41,840
- Yes!
- Yes!
434
00:14:41,870 --> 00:14:42,940
(giggles)
435
00:14:42,970 --> 00:14:44,950
NICK: Home base! (groans)
436
00:14:44,980 --> 00:14:47,750
Barkeep, bring us beer.
437
00:14:47,780 --> 00:14:49,380
If you call me barkeep one more time,
438
00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:50,820
I'm shutting this bitch down.
439
00:14:50,850 --> 00:14:52,950
Mike, I love you because you're gay...
440
00:14:52,980 --> 00:14:55,090
and 'cause you're dangerous.
441
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,060
I can't believe I used
to have a crush on you.
442
00:14:57,090 --> 00:14:58,490
(groans)
443
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,760
Hey, man. How's it going?
444
00:15:00,790 --> 00:15:01,800
I'm not hooking up tonight.
445
00:15:01,830 --> 00:15:03,000
I met one girl.
446
00:15:03,030 --> 00:15:04,430
Several times.
447
00:15:04,460 --> 00:15:05,830
She's pretty much perfect.
448
00:15:05,860 --> 00:15:07,570
Nice. Where's she at?
449
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:08,840
I ditched her, dude.
450
00:15:08,870 --> 00:15:09,900
She's, like, relationship material.
451
00:15:09,930 --> 00:15:11,670
That's not what I'm looking for tonight.
452
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:13,470
- Really?
- Yeah, I want something easy.
453
00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:15,110
- Something easy?
- Like Sunday morning.
454
00:15:15,140 --> 00:15:16,280
Like Sunday morning. Know what I'm saying?
455
00:15:16,310 --> 00:15:17,610
I know what you're saying.
456
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,050
That bitch is a Monday.
457
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:20,450
- Know what I'm saying?
- You know what's funny?
458
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:21,820
I got something just for that.
459
00:15:21,850 --> 00:15:24,050
You're gonna love it. Here it is.
460
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:25,720
- I can't wait.
- Give it to me right...
461
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:28,290
- Yo!
- Go get that girl, dude.
462
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:29,820
(whining): I don't even know where she is.
463
00:15:29,850 --> 00:15:31,560
I didn't hit you that hard.
464
00:15:31,590 --> 00:15:33,330
Hey. (grunts)
465
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:36,760
This, uh, Schmidt's jacket you're wearing?
466
00:15:36,790 --> 00:15:38,030
Yeah.
467
00:15:38,060 --> 00:15:39,300
Not to be a nosy buddy,
468
00:15:39,330 --> 00:15:40,870
but sparks are flying
469
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:43,340
like the Wright brothers between you two.
470
00:15:43,370 --> 00:15:44,840
And I would know.
471
00:15:44,870 --> 00:15:47,470
I have their biography here in my backpack.
472
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:50,510
I care about Schmidt, but
just as a friend, all right?
473
00:15:50,540 --> 00:15:52,450
Look me in the eyes,
474
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,310
and tell me you don't
have feelings for Schmidt.
475
00:15:58,580 --> 00:16:01,290
I don't have feelings for him.
476
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,960
Dude, you are nowhere near my eyes.
477
00:16:02,990 --> 00:16:04,490
Nobody hit on me. I'm taken.
478
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,160
Don't talk to me. I'm a councilwoman.
479
00:16:06,190 --> 00:16:07,320
Schmidt?
480
00:16:08,290 --> 00:16:09,630
Did the whole crawl to find you.
481
00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:11,130
I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm sober.
482
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,270
I'm wearing my strapless bra like a belt.
483
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:14,530
But I know what I want.
484
00:16:15,830 --> 00:16:16,840
I want you.
485
00:16:16,870 --> 00:16:18,670
I want you to be my boyfriend.
486
00:16:19,940 --> 00:16:22,280
As much as a I want a commuter lane
487
00:16:22,310 --> 00:16:24,510
to Costa Mesa! (crowd whooping)
488
00:16:24,540 --> 00:16:26,310
Vote Moscato!
489
00:16:26,340 --> 00:16:28,480
(crowd cheering)
490
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,890
- What?
- They're kissing.
491
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,190
I thought maybe you were
gonna say something like,
492
00:16:36,220 --> 00:16:38,690
"No" or, like, "I miss him so much now."
493
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,730
Last call! (groans)
494
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,700
We got one more bar on the crawl!
495
00:16:42,730 --> 00:16:44,900
We have to finish the smile!
496
00:16:44,930 --> 00:16:46,300
You're never ever gonna make it.
497
00:16:46,330 --> 00:16:47,530
And I'm never gonna ride a jet ski
498
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,070
with Tom Colicchio on my back.
499
00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:51,270
So, sometimes dreams just don't come true.
500
00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:53,010
(shouting): I'm sorry about that guy Galecky
501
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:54,910
not hugging you from behind in the water
502
00:16:54,940 --> 00:16:57,540
on a motorized thing... I'm sorry!
503
00:16:57,570 --> 00:17:00,150
We will finish what we have started!
504
00:17:00,180 --> 00:17:01,450
(cheering) Yay!
505
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,420
We will feast on the spoils
506
00:17:03,450 --> 00:17:06,720
of this night for a thousand moons!
507
00:17:06,750 --> 00:17:08,590
In the name of love and booze!
508
00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:09,960
(crawlers cheering)
509
00:17:09,990 --> 00:17:12,960
Oh, no. My crush is back.
510
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,890
I hate myself.
511
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:17,700
(cell phone buzzes)
512
00:17:17,730 --> 00:17:19,030
Oh, this person will not stop texting me.
513
00:17:19,060 --> 00:17:20,800
Where is it? (phone continues buzzing)
514
00:17:20,830 --> 00:17:22,770
Sorry.
515
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,910
Oh, it's an e-mail from Wellington Prep.
516
00:17:24,940 --> 00:17:27,110
You do realize we were just
about to have sex, right?
517
00:17:27,140 --> 00:17:29,940
Say something to get back
in the mood... say raccoon.
518
00:17:29,970 --> 00:17:31,710
They're offering me the job of headmaster.
519
00:17:31,740 --> 00:17:33,180
In England?
520
00:17:35,610 --> 00:17:38,080
Raccoon?
521
00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,670
- So, you'd be the headmaster?
- Headmaster.
522
00:17:43,700 --> 00:17:45,740
- Of Wellington?
- Of Wellington.
523
00:17:45,770 --> 00:17:47,410
(sighing): Headmaster.
524
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:51,010
Jess... look at me.
525
00:17:52,450 --> 00:17:53,720
I'm not gonna take it.
526
00:17:53,750 --> 00:17:54,820
Wellington's not even that great.
527
00:17:54,850 --> 00:17:56,050
You have their current headmaster
528
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,090
as your emergency contact.
529
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,060
Okay, it's heaven on Earth.
530
00:18:00,090 --> 00:18:01,820
And I love it.
531
00:18:01,850 --> 00:18:03,360
But I love you more.
532
00:18:03,390 --> 00:18:04,990
Well, I love you, which is why I can't
533
00:18:05,020 --> 00:18:06,690
let you pass up this opportunity!
534
00:18:07,790 --> 00:18:11,200
If we were ready to live in the same place,
535
00:18:11,230 --> 00:18:12,900
then we should be ready
536
00:18:12,930 --> 00:18:15,340
to live 5,000 miles apart.
537
00:18:15,370 --> 00:18:17,370
- Yeah, I suppose, but...
- Well, I'll call you every night
538
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:18,510
after work. It'll only be,
539
00:18:18,540 --> 00:18:20,280
like, midnight your time.
540
00:18:20,310 --> 00:18:22,380
I could learn to stay up late.
Maybe I should try cocaine!
541
00:18:22,410 --> 00:18:24,180
- Yeah! Or coffee!
- That, too.
542
00:18:24,210 --> 00:18:25,180
And I'll come and visit.
543
00:18:25,210 --> 00:18:26,320
It's only, like, an 11-hour flight.
544
00:18:26,350 --> 00:18:28,180
And then a four-hour drive to Wellington.
545
00:18:28,210 --> 00:18:29,890
That's so long!
546
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:33,220
Which is great... 'cause I
can catch up on podcasts.
547
00:18:33,250 --> 00:18:35,320
We can do this!
548
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:40,000
We can do this long distance, right?
549
00:18:40,030 --> 00:18:41,830
Right.
550
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:45,100
NICK (in distance): This is our revolution!
551
00:18:45,130 --> 00:18:46,640
(crowd clamoring outside)
552
00:18:46,670 --> 00:18:49,440
When I say bar, you say...
553
00:18:49,470 --> 00:18:50,670
- ALL: Crawl!
- Bar!
554
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:52,280
Crawl!
555
00:18:52,310 --> 00:18:54,710
Jess, are you guys coming or what?
556
00:18:57,340 --> 00:18:58,680
Hi.
557
00:18:58,710 --> 00:19:00,580
May!
558
00:19:00,610 --> 00:19:02,080
May!
559
00:19:02,110 --> 00:19:03,490
Hey.
560
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:04,950
- You again.
- Yeah.
561
00:19:04,980 --> 00:19:06,360
Me again.
562
00:19:06,390 --> 00:19:08,190
Look, um, I'm sorry about earlier.
563
00:19:08,220 --> 00:19:09,830
I just, I-I really didn't plan
564
00:19:09,860 --> 00:19:12,190
on-on meeting somebody so
great tonight, you know?
565
00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:13,700
You messed everything up!
566
00:19:13,730 --> 00:19:15,100
'Cause you're, like, awesome
567
00:19:15,130 --> 00:19:16,630
and that sucks because it's, like,
568
00:19:16,660 --> 00:19:17,970
that's not what I want. And you're pretty,
569
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,140
which is a bummer.
570
00:19:19,170 --> 00:19:21,140
'Cause it's, like, damn!
She fine, but it's, like,
571
00:19:21,170 --> 00:19:23,540
at the same time, I'm, like,
I don't need this in my life.
572
00:19:23,570 --> 00:19:25,740
- You wear a leather jacket...
- I'm sorry. Are you... I'm just confused.
573
00:19:25,770 --> 00:19:27,710
Are you trying to say
something nice right now?
574
00:19:27,740 --> 00:19:29,980
Yes. I am.
575
00:19:30,010 --> 00:19:32,320
And I'm terrible at it.
576
00:19:32,350 --> 00:19:34,050
Is there any way I could
get, I ca... I, um...
577
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,410
I could get your number maybe?
578
00:19:40,190 --> 00:19:41,590
(coughing)
579
00:19:41,620 --> 00:19:42,990
Aw... (laughs)
580
00:19:43,020 --> 00:19:45,030
A long number.
581
00:19:45,060 --> 00:19:47,700
What the hell is this? Is
this your e-mail address?
582
00:19:47,730 --> 00:19:48,760
Write a good e-mail.
583
00:19:48,790 --> 00:19:51,000
And I'll go out with you.
584
00:19:51,030 --> 00:19:53,670
- What...?
- I'm talking full sentences.
585
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:55,100
I'm talking no typos.
586
00:19:55,130 --> 00:19:57,070
No pictures. No pictures.
587
00:19:57,100 --> 00:19:59,180
God, you are gonna make this
really hard for me, huh?
588
00:19:59,210 --> 00:20:00,440
Yes.
589
00:20:00,470 --> 00:20:03,110
Aw...
590
00:20:03,140 --> 00:20:05,640
You smell good.
591
00:20:07,850 --> 00:20:09,020
Doug's Ale House!
592
00:20:09,050 --> 00:20:10,990
The tip of the smile!
593
00:20:11,020 --> 00:20:12,590
The crawl is complete! (crowd cheering)
594
00:20:12,620 --> 00:20:13,760
Yeah!
595
00:20:13,790 --> 00:20:15,220
Yes!
596
00:20:15,250 --> 00:20:17,060
Yes! Get in!
597
00:20:17,090 --> 00:20:18,790
(cheering, clamoring)
598
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,900
- Hey!
- Hey.
599
00:20:26,930 --> 00:20:29,540
Everything okay? I'd spent
a long time on the crawl,
600
00:20:29,570 --> 00:20:31,840
and now that it's over,
it's just a natural sadness.
601
00:20:31,870 --> 00:20:34,010
It's just gonna take a minute.
Just go on in. It's fine.
602
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,880
What's the holdup? Nick's
cracking a little bit.
603
00:20:36,910 --> 00:20:38,880
Everybody, relax, okay?
604
00:20:38,890 --> 00:20:41,000
It's just the crawl's over.
605
00:20:41,010 --> 00:20:42,570
Kai is over.
606
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:45,970
I got nothing to do.
607
00:20:45,980 --> 00:20:48,040
That's it. I'm not cracking.
I just have nothing to do.
608
00:20:49,770 --> 00:20:50,980
Come on.
609
00:20:50,990 --> 00:20:52,710
Of course, you have so much to do.
610
00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:54,100
Nick we're business partners, man.
611
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:57,760
- We're teammates.
- YOu're smart and talented guy.
612
00:20:57,770 --> 00:21:01,740
And tonight we found out that
you have a weird, _ charisma.
613
00:21:02,750 --> 00:21:05,190
You should make more maps man.
That's what you should do.
614
00:21:05,190 --> 00:21:07,100
- You're my idea-man.
- Thank you guys.
615
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:08,930
Thank you for saying all this nice stuff.
616
00:21:08,930 --> 00:21:10,500
I love you guys.
617
00:21:13,510 --> 00:21:15,530
It's time to go inside.
We got a crawl to finish.
618
00:21:15,530 --> 00:21:17,730
Yeah. We got a crawl to finish.
619
00:21:17,740 --> 00:21:20,440
Now out of my way, I'm getting another drink.
620
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:21,690
I can't let you in.
621
00:21:22,580 --> 00:21:23,950
You're not wearing shoes.
622
00:21:25,730 --> 00:21:26,980
Where are you shoes, Nick?
623
00:21:26,980 --> 00:21:28,850
Honestly, I threw 'em at a squirrel.
624
00:21:28,850 --> 00:21:32,080
- Everybody's waiting for you.
- I can't go into the bar. I don't have shoes on.
625
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:34,670
- Why don't you have shoes on, Nicholas?
- He threw them at a squirrel.
626
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:38,550
My map is just a deformed smile
now. I didn't complete it.
627
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:39,600
Or is it?
628
00:21:40,450 --> 00:21:42,010
A goatee face.
629
00:21:42,020 --> 00:21:44,220
- What bar is that?
- What bar is that?
630
00:21:44,220 --> 00:21:46,470
(chuckles)
- I'm glad you asked.
631
00:21:47,900 --> 00:21:49,260
Welcome to Winston's bar.
632
00:21:49,260 --> 00:21:51,090
- Hot stuff!
- Aww!
633
00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:52,490
Happy Valentine's day, everybody.
634
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,660
Like a black Mary Poppins.
635
00:21:54,670 --> 00:21:55,780
That's right.