1
00:00:02,410 --> 00:00:03,610
(speaking indistinctly)
2
00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:09,420
(whispering): Coach and May are
fighting. We don't want to disturb them.
3
00:00:09,450 --> 00:00:10,720
They're not fighting.
4
00:00:10,750 --> 00:00:12,550
I know how to read body language. Look.
5
00:00:12,590 --> 00:00:14,120
Her arms are crossed in
a position of dominance,
6
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:15,720
and he's playing his forehead
7
00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:17,390
- like a piano.
- WINSTON: Will you clowns focus?
8
00:00:17,430 --> 00:00:20,060
My waffle is in the toaster,
and if I wait too long
9
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:22,060
- after it pops, it'll get hard.
- Look,
10
00:00:22,100 --> 00:00:23,400
I know about relationships.
11
00:00:23,430 --> 00:00:24,600
Winston can vouch for me.
12
00:00:24,630 --> 00:00:26,440
That girl, KC, just texted him,
13
00:00:26,470 --> 00:00:28,400
"What's up?"
14
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:29,570
- That riddler.
- So I had him text back
15
00:00:29,610 --> 00:00:31,310
an empty bubble.
16
00:00:31,340 --> 00:00:34,310
Is he thinking about her? Or is
a baby playing with the phone?
17
00:00:34,340 --> 00:00:36,650
She don't know, but she want to know.
18
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,150
- There she is. There she is.
- Oh.
19
00:00:38,180 --> 00:00:39,010
JESS: Hey.
20
00:00:39,050 --> 00:00:41,020
- Morning.
- Hello. - How do?
21
00:00:41,050 --> 00:00:42,990
Hey. Oh, someone left a
waffle in the toaster.
22
00:00:43,020 --> 00:00:44,020
Bye, guys.
23
00:00:44,050 --> 00:00:45,450
Man, this waffle had better be hot
24
00:00:45,490 --> 00:00:47,360
- or I am going Durst on y'all.
- Hey...
25
00:00:47,390 --> 00:00:49,190
- Coach.
- Why...
26
00:00:49,230 --> 00:00:51,690
- Jess, are you talking like that?
- She thinks you
27
00:00:51,730 --> 00:00:52,760
- and May are fighting.
- No,
28
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,000
we're not fighting.
29
00:00:54,030 --> 00:00:55,260
(chuckles)
30
00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:56,430
We did break up, though.
31
00:00:56,470 --> 00:00:57,830
(gasps) Oh, my God, I knew it.
32
00:00:57,870 --> 00:00:59,270
I mean, I'm so sorry. What happened?
33
00:00:59,300 --> 00:01:00,500
May accepted a job in New York
34
00:01:00,540 --> 00:01:03,710
as a section musician for the Met.
35
00:01:03,740 --> 00:01:05,440
Oh, has Alan taken a
liking to her? Oh, bravo.
36
00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,280
Good for... You know, I've
always been a fan of his.
37
00:01:07,310 --> 00:01:10,680
When he conducted, uh, Das Rheingold
38
00:01:10,710 --> 00:01:13,680
with the Royal Stockholm
Orchestra, it was magnificent.
39
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:17,450
- Jar or slap?
- I don't have any cash on me.
40
00:01:17,490 --> 00:01:18,620
- Good slap.
- JESS: Are you okay?
41
00:01:18,660 --> 00:01:20,290
Do you want to talk about it?
42
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,220
No, I'm good. Yeah. I'll miss her, but...
43
00:01:22,260 --> 00:01:24,230
we're still friends. We're cool.
44
00:01:24,260 --> 00:01:25,990
- I'm cool.
- Cool. - NICK: All right.
45
00:01:26,830 --> 00:01:29,000
He is not good.
46
00:01:29,030 --> 00:01:32,670
Winston, get back here! We need
to powwow about May and Coach!
47
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,610
Winnie's gonna need a minute.
48
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:47,250
What are you reading? What is...
49
00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:50,150
One Woman's Journey Up Inside Herself?
50
00:01:50,190 --> 00:01:51,550
It's really inspiring. I actually want to be
51
00:01:51,590 --> 00:01:53,020
the woman in this book.
52
00:01:53,060 --> 00:01:55,520
"Finding inner strength in a time of crises."
53
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,930
Cece, are you in crises?
54
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,560
I'm fine. Cece's fine.
55
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:02,870
How are you? How's Fawn holding up?
56
00:02:02,900 --> 00:02:05,270
If you must know, my paramour
Councilwoman Fawn Moscato
57
00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:07,500
has been so strong since the incident.
58
00:02:07,540 --> 00:02:09,040
(indistinct chatter)
59
00:02:09,070 --> 00:02:11,040
You know, reporters are
calling it Panty-Gate.
60
00:02:11,070 --> 00:02:13,040
There's pictures of her naked lady-bottom
61
00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:14,680
all over the Internet. Sid,
62
00:02:14,710 --> 00:02:16,410
put the phone away.
63
00:02:16,450 --> 00:02:19,580
You picked it up right when
I said "naked lady-bottom."
64
00:02:19,620 --> 00:02:21,720
Please. You guys are good, then?
65
00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:23,890
You know, 'cause the last time we spoke,
66
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:27,120
you said you were feeling
a little, you know, used.
67
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,090
Well, not anymore. We're a team now.
68
00:02:29,130 --> 00:02:30,390
Fawn and Schmidt.
69
00:02:30,430 --> 00:02:31,430
Fawmidt.
70
00:02:31,460 --> 00:02:33,060
- Vomit?
- No,
71
00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:33,860
- Fawmidt.
- You're saying
72
00:02:33,900 --> 00:02:34,900
the word "vomit."
73
00:02:34,930 --> 00:02:36,530
No, I don't hear that, but okay.
74
00:02:36,570 --> 00:02:38,630
Fawn's holding a press
conference later today,
75
00:02:38,670 --> 00:02:40,600
and I don't mean to toot
my own shofar, but I'll be
76
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,540
- standing there right by her side.
- So this scandal
77
00:02:42,570 --> 00:02:44,870
is actually bringing you two closer together.
78
00:02:44,910 --> 00:02:46,880
Team Fawmidt has never been stronger.
79
00:02:46,910 --> 00:02:49,110
I heard it there.
80
00:02:49,150 --> 00:02:51,210
Wow, that sounds exactly like "vomit."
81
00:02:51,250 --> 00:02:53,780
- That's a problem.
- Mm-hmm.
82
00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:56,790
"Roughly the same length as The Pearl."
83
00:02:56,820 --> 00:02:58,790
How is that a pull quote?
84
00:02:58,820 --> 00:03:00,790
And that...
85
00:03:00,820 --> 00:03:02,720
is how babies get made.
86
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,060
It's gross, right?
87
00:03:04,090 --> 00:03:05,460
How does the sperm find the egg?
88
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,460
Propelled by its tail,
89
00:03:07,500 --> 00:03:10,570
the sperm travels up the canal
until it reaches the egg.
90
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,570
Now, for us, it's only a couple of inches,
91
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,570
but for Mr. Sperm there
92
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,810
it's miles away.
93
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:20,610
Miles and miles and miles away.
94
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:24,450
(sighs) It's almost like...
95
00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:29,620
why would the egg want to be
so far away from the sperm?
96
00:03:29,650 --> 00:03:31,250
You know? Like, didn't the egg and the sperm
97
00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:32,990
have a great time together?
98
00:03:33,020 --> 00:03:35,160
And then you're just gonna
pack your bags and leave
99
00:03:35,190 --> 00:03:36,590
and go to New York?
100
00:03:36,630 --> 00:03:38,990
To play music with some other sperm.
101
00:03:39,030 --> 00:03:41,830
You're just-just gonna leave?
You're gonna leave your sperm
102
00:03:41,870 --> 00:03:43,830
and go play music with other sperms?
103
00:03:43,870 --> 00:03:46,000
And I'm cool with that! I'm cool with that!
104
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:49,370
You know, I got eggs. I have eggs on deck!
105
00:03:49,410 --> 00:03:50,970
This sperm got swag. All those other sperms
106
00:03:51,010 --> 00:03:53,310
ain't got swag like me. Can any other sperm
107
00:03:53,340 --> 00:03:58,780
sport this much green
and still look dope? No!
108
00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:01,780
That ain't tight! This is tight!
109
00:04:01,820 --> 00:04:03,350
This is tight!
110
00:04:03,390 --> 00:04:05,820
(crying): I just want you
111
00:04:05,860 --> 00:04:07,660
to come back, and I... (sniffles)
112
00:04:09,990 --> 00:04:12,960
I guess I chose the wrong
day to observe Health.
113
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,430
COACH (crying): I miss her!
114
00:04:15,470 --> 00:04:17,130
May.
115
00:04:17,170 --> 00:04:19,970
Listen, thanks for standing
next to me up there, Ponyboy.
116
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,340
I hope this show of remorse
117
00:04:21,370 --> 00:04:22,840
will keep these reporters off my back.
118
00:04:22,870 --> 00:04:24,510
Oh, I know it will. And then, you know what,
119
00:04:24,540 --> 00:04:26,080
once this is over, maybe we get out of here
120
00:04:26,110 --> 00:04:27,840
- for a little bit. Lay low, - Oh.
121
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:29,410
- Rent a cabin in the woods,
- Yeah.
122
00:04:29,450 --> 00:04:31,810
- Read some poetry, have horizontal sex.
- Okay,
123
00:04:31,850 --> 00:04:34,180
two of those three things
sound like fun. Now,
124
00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:36,720
- here's your statement in case you're asked any questions.
- Oh, a st...
125
00:04:36,750 --> 00:04:38,920
I'm not gonna need a statement.
I'm a seasoned improviser.
126
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,760
Hey, guys. We're the Belly Laughs.
127
00:04:40,790 --> 00:04:43,830
- So, I need a location.
- BOY: How 'bout fat camp?
128
00:04:43,860 --> 00:04:46,930
(laughter)
129
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:50,670
That's adorable. But just,
please, read what I wrote.
130
00:04:50,700 --> 00:04:52,670
I will. But I'm not gonna
do it until I get out there.
131
00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:54,540
You're gonna want me in the moment for this.
132
00:04:54,570 --> 00:04:57,240
Okay.
133
00:04:57,270 --> 00:04:58,840
(reporters clamoring)
134
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:00,340
Good afternoon.
135
00:05:00,380 --> 00:05:02,710
Um, before I answer any of your questions,
136
00:05:02,750 --> 00:05:05,250
my partner would like to read a statement.
137
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:07,080
Honey.
138
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,550
I am a sick man.
139
00:05:15,290 --> 00:05:16,960
On Saturday last, Councilwoman Moscato
140
00:05:16,990 --> 00:05:19,960
was caught not wearing
underpants because I...
141
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,230
I asked her not to wear them.
142
00:05:23,270 --> 00:05:25,670
Why?
143
00:05:29,670 --> 00:05:33,880
Because it turns me on.
144
00:05:33,910 --> 00:05:36,050
What I did was wrong. I'm so sorry,
145
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:37,710
Fawn.
146
00:05:37,750 --> 00:05:41,120
I'm sorry, Los Angeles.
147
00:05:41,150 --> 00:05:43,790
And I'm sorry to the man upstairs,
148
00:05:43,820 --> 00:05:46,820
my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
149
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,070
- Dress shirts on a Monday?
- You know how it is.
150
00:05:53,110 --> 00:05:54,810
Coach breaks up with a lady, we take him out,
151
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:56,070
- and he gets loaded.
- Yeah,
152
00:05:56,110 --> 00:05:57,810
I know how it usually goes
153
00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,910
when Coach breaks up with a
girl, but May is different.
154
00:05:59,950 --> 00:06:02,210
Sometimes she comes over and
they don't even have sex.
155
00:06:02,250 --> 00:06:04,050
- I don't get that.
- Trust me, I am right
156
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,050
about this, just like I was
right about them fighting.
157
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,050
I'm on, like, a streak
here. I might just be...
158
00:06:09,090 --> 00:06:11,790
an expert in love. Like a...
159
00:06:11,820 --> 00:06:14,430
you know, like a love doctor, if you will.
160
00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:17,260
I will not. You are the
least qualified person
161
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:20,330
to call themselves a doctor of love.
162
00:06:20,370 --> 00:06:23,000
Exhibit "A": you dated me.
163
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:24,140
I rest my case. (chuckles)
164
00:06:24,170 --> 00:06:26,140
Court is adjourned.
165
00:06:26,170 --> 00:06:27,910
Guilty as charged.
166
00:06:27,940 --> 00:06:29,510
(laughs)
167
00:06:29,540 --> 00:06:30,940
- Put... I would stop that.
- Case...
168
00:06:30,980 --> 00:06:32,940
rested. Listen, I got to say
169
00:06:32,980 --> 00:06:34,350
I agree with Nick on this one, Jess.
170
00:06:34,380 --> 00:06:35,610
I mean, it's been a whole day,
171
00:06:35,650 --> 00:06:37,820
and KC still hasn't texted me.
172
00:06:37,850 --> 00:06:39,820
Well, that's just proof
that the bubble is working.
173
00:06:39,850 --> 00:06:42,090
Look, you guys, Coach needs to talk to May.
174
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,590
Trust me. He is in pain.
175
00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:48,960
I'm happy and I'm healthy
and I'm ready to party!
176
00:06:48,990 --> 00:06:50,660
(laughs) Let's get drunk! (laughing)
177
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:51,930
(whoops) You're wrong.
178
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,360
Coach. (chuckles) (Coach grunts)
179
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:54,830
Do you want to talk about what happened today
180
00:06:54,870 --> 00:06:55,830
- or...
- Talk about what?
181
00:06:55,870 --> 00:06:57,840
No. (chuckles)
182
00:06:57,870 --> 00:07:00,040
(Nick and Winston laugh) Hey, um,
actually, can you do me a favor?
183
00:07:00,070 --> 00:07:01,770
May's gonna be recording later.
184
00:07:01,810 --> 00:07:03,610
She's gonna stop by and
pick up her rubber circle.
185
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,110
- May has a diaphragm?
- No,
186
00:07:05,140 --> 00:07:06,180
it's the thing that you put on the floor
187
00:07:06,210 --> 00:07:07,610
to stabilize the cello.
188
00:07:07,650 --> 00:07:09,610
- Condom.
- No.
189
00:07:09,650 --> 00:07:11,280
No, it's the thing you put on the floor
190
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:12,780
to make sure the cello stays put.
191
00:07:12,820 --> 00:07:15,490
- Cello stabilizer.
- Oh, yeah. Cello stabilizer.
192
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,690
- Oh. Well, wouldn't you like to be here when she comes by?
- No,
193
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:22,160
- that's gonna be hella weird. I want to party!
- (laughs) Yeah!
194
00:07:22,190 --> 00:07:24,560
(indistinct cheering)
195
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:28,170
I'm gonna do this and gonna do this, this,
196
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:29,230
this, this, this.
197
00:07:29,270 --> 00:07:31,370
(sighs)
198
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:34,070
What was that speech?
199
00:07:34,110 --> 00:07:36,410
I'm sorry, okay? I told you to
read the statement beforehand
200
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,010
and then you told me that terrifying story
201
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,080
about doing improv at a fat person's camp.
202
00:07:40,110 --> 00:07:41,380
I didn't know that the statement
203
00:07:41,410 --> 00:07:43,750
was gonna blame me for Panty-Gate.
204
00:07:43,780 --> 00:07:45,520
And by the way, for your information,
205
00:07:45,550 --> 00:07:48,990
the Belly Laughs did not "do"
improv. We reinvented it.
206
00:07:49,020 --> 00:07:50,490
I know you must
207
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,260
be embarrassed, but... you saved me.
208
00:07:53,290 --> 00:07:55,430
Yeah, well, people think I'm a sicko now.
209
00:07:55,460 --> 00:07:57,730
- One of your aides spit at me.
- Was it Shallon? Yeah,
210
00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:01,330
that's a lisp, but still, he's fired. Look,
211
00:08:01,370 --> 00:08:03,200
if you want to leave, I
completely understand.
212
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:04,940
But the truth is...
213
00:08:04,970 --> 00:08:07,840
I can't do this without you.
214
00:08:07,870 --> 00:08:10,940
Well, now Ponyboy is feeling very conflicted.
215
00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:12,280
Just one last photo op.
216
00:08:12,310 --> 00:08:13,880
You and I having a lovely evening.
217
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:15,450
Show the press everything's back to normal.
218
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:18,950
And then I promise it'll
just all be about us.
219
00:08:18,980 --> 00:08:20,590
Could we do horizontal sex?
220
00:08:20,620 --> 00:08:22,050
- Yes.
- With foreplay?
221
00:08:24,290 --> 00:08:26,560
- It's a deal-b... It's a
deal-breaker. It's a - Uh... Yeah.
222
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:29,460
- Deal-breaker. Okay.
- Fine, yes, fine, yes.
223
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:30,730
Oh, God.
224
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,100
No, please. Oh...
225
00:08:32,130 --> 00:08:33,700
Oh, God.
226
00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:35,700
(knocking) May.
227
00:08:35,730 --> 00:08:36,770
Cece!
228
00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:38,640
So Coach a May broke up?
229
00:08:38,670 --> 00:08:39,870
Long story short,
230
00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:40,940
they shouldn't have broken up
231
00:08:40,970 --> 00:08:42,110
and I am the only person
232
00:08:42,140 --> 00:08:43,540
that sees this. I realize
233
00:08:43,580 --> 00:08:45,040
I'm kind of an expert in love.
234
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,410
A love doctor if you will.
235
00:08:47,450 --> 00:08:48,910
Where are your crackers?
236
00:08:48,950 --> 00:08:50,110
A-Above the fridge.
237
00:08:50,150 --> 00:08:51,820
Cece, did they raise your tuition again?
238
00:08:51,850 --> 00:08:53,250
Why are you so hungry?
239
00:08:53,290 --> 00:08:55,490
I've decided I'm going to climb
240
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,490
Mount Shasta.
241
00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,390
- By yourself?
- I'm leaving for three weeks. I want to like
242
00:09:00,430 --> 00:09:01,990
the woman in the book, I want to go on
243
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,460
a climbing trip and find myself.
244
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:07,730
Okay, um... Ceec,
245
00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:11,240
are you sure you're ready
for a climbing trip?
246
00:09:11,270 --> 00:09:12,940
Jess, I just... I can't sit here
247
00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:16,140
and watch Schmidt with Fawn.
248
00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:19,410
And I don't think they're
breaking up any time soon, so...
249
00:09:19,450 --> 00:09:23,280
Cece, they're never gonna last.
He doesn't really love her.
250
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:24,820
Did he tell you that?
251
00:09:24,850 --> 00:09:27,190
No, but...
252
00:09:27,220 --> 00:09:29,690
as a doctor of love, I sense these things.
253
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,420
(knocking)
254
00:09:31,460 --> 00:09:34,030
The Love Doctor just knows.
255
00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:38,800
- May.
- Hi.
256
00:09:38,830 --> 00:09:41,130
Uh, I'm here for my endpin anchor.
257
00:09:41,170 --> 00:09:44,170
- Yeah.
- Ah, thank you.
258
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,340
Very sorry to hear about
the breakup. Are you okay?
259
00:09:47,370 --> 00:09:49,210
Um, yeah. Yeah.
260
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,610
I'm here to talk if you
ever need to. In hard times,
261
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:54,610
it's nice to have a friend, May.
262
00:09:54,650 --> 00:09:56,780
Thanks... Jess.
263
00:09:56,820 --> 00:09:58,280
Right?
264
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,020
- Yes.
- Well, uh...
265
00:10:00,050 --> 00:10:01,390
I'm in the middle of a recording session.
266
00:10:01,420 --> 00:10:03,650
I got to get back to the
studio, so... see ya.
267
00:10:03,660 --> 00:10:05,990
Bye.
268
00:10:07,430 --> 00:10:10,190
Yeah, Jess, she looks
real broken up about it.
269
00:10:12,870 --> 00:10:16,170
(knocking)
270
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,640
I... I'm a mess.
271
00:10:18,670 --> 00:10:20,640
I know!
272
00:10:20,670 --> 00:10:23,210
(crying)
273
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,180
(whispers): The doctor is in.
274
00:10:25,210 --> 00:10:26,410
Wait, what?
275
00:10:26,450 --> 00:10:28,010
Nothing. Cry it out.
276
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,650
Mmm! Ah.
277
00:10:32,690 --> 00:10:34,520
Wow.
278
00:10:34,550 --> 00:10:36,820
I have never seen Coach go
this hard after a breakup, man.
279
00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:38,720
- You sure he's okay?
- It's good, it's good, it's good.
280
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,860
You treat an outside wound
with rubbing alcohol,
281
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,530
you treat an inside wound
with drinking alcohol.
282
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,600
That's science.
283
00:10:44,630 --> 00:10:47,400
- I feel that, man.
- It is time to turn things up.
284
00:10:47,430 --> 00:10:48,730
Sidney...
285
00:10:48,770 --> 00:10:50,770
Do what you do! (chuckles)
286
00:10:54,470 --> 00:10:55,940
("Black Velvet" by Alannah
Myles begins playing)
287
00:10:55,980 --> 00:10:59,580
Aw... (short chuckle)
288
00:10:59,610 --> 00:11:03,310
This is my jam.
289
00:11:04,780 --> 00:11:06,350
Y: We've only been dating for a
290
00:11:06,390 --> 00:11:07,950
few months. I just thought that...
291
00:11:07,990 --> 00:11:10,560
that breaking up was, like,
the smart thing to do,
292
00:11:10,590 --> 00:11:12,060
- you know?
- I know you're upset,
293
00:11:12,090 --> 00:11:14,460
sweetie, but I... I can't understand
294
00:11:14,490 --> 00:11:18,000
anything you're saying with the crackers.
295
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,400
Do you love him?
296
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,530
I think I do.
297
00:11:21,570 --> 00:11:23,530
Well, then, maybe moving
to New York doesn't mean
298
00:11:23,570 --> 00:11:25,370
- you have to break up.
- (muffled): So you think
299
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,170
that I should... that I should
300
00:11:27,210 --> 00:11:28,810
- ask Coach to move with me?
- Okay,
301
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,640
how about we put down the crackers?
302
00:11:31,580 --> 00:11:33,380
I think she wants Coach
303
00:11:33,410 --> 00:11:35,180
to move to New York with her.
304
00:11:35,210 --> 00:11:37,820
- Oh! Yes, yes!
- I mean...
305
00:11:37,850 --> 00:11:41,190
- Yeah? You-You... You think that he would say yeah?
- Yeah. Definitely. He's
306
00:11:41,220 --> 00:11:43,890
crazy about you. He had a
meltdown today in health class.
307
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:47,530
Now, the kids did learn that
sex is emotionally complicated,
308
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:49,130
so it was a good class, but trust me...
309
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:52,030
What Jess is trying to
say here is that if you...
310
00:11:52,060 --> 00:11:55,170
if you really know how
you feel about someone,
311
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,000
you need to act now.
312
00:11:57,040 --> 00:12:00,810
Wow. (laughs) Am I really doing this?
313
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,410
Yeah, but not before we clean your face,
314
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,040
'cause it's caked in snot.
315
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,910
WINSTON: Ooh, yeah, Coach!
316
00:12:07,950 --> 00:12:10,720
- Who you think he's gonna hook up with?
- It's a tough Monday crowd. It...
317
00:12:10,750 --> 00:12:12,050
It's nearly impossible to say, but
318
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,350
I'm gonna go with the white bodysuit
319
00:12:13,390 --> 00:12:14,650
and, uh, the leopard print leggings.
320
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,650
She looks smart to me.
321
00:12:16,690 --> 00:12:19,420
WINSTON: No way. No way. money's
on the one with the wedding ring
322
00:12:19,460 --> 00:12:21,060
whose husband is clearly
over there in the corner
323
00:12:21,090 --> 00:12:23,730
- spying on her.
- Yeah, he's not happy about that.
324
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,900
Oh, oh, ooh! Dora the Explorer
325
00:12:26,930 --> 00:12:28,000
just entered the scene (laughs)
326
00:12:28,030 --> 00:12:30,330
You're tiny. I like it.
327
00:12:30,370 --> 00:12:32,600
NICK: There she g... Oh! For the kiss!
328
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,570
- Oh!
- The winner,
329
00:12:34,610 --> 00:12:35,840
the winner.
330
00:12:37,110 --> 00:12:38,510
Oh. May's here. Coach.
331
00:12:38,540 --> 00:12:40,850
(grunting, growling)
332
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:42,110
(both whistling, grunting)
333
00:12:42,150 --> 00:12:43,980
May here, she here.
334
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:47,520
Wh-Wha... Uh, May,
335
00:12:47,550 --> 00:12:48,720
wh-what are... what are you doing here?
336
00:12:48,750 --> 00:12:50,590
No, come on.
337
00:12:50,620 --> 00:12:52,260
No, no... ♪ In a flash ♪
338
00:12:52,290 --> 00:12:53,620
♪ He is gone ♪
339
00:12:53,660 --> 00:12:56,430
♪ It happened so soon... ♪
340
00:12:56,460 --> 00:12:58,860
In case you were wondering, she, uh,
341
00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:00,600
she did get her little
342
00:13:00,630 --> 00:13:02,630
rubber holder thing.
343
00:13:10,450 --> 00:13:13,180
Coach, um, I wanted to apologize.
344
00:13:13,220 --> 00:13:14,950
- Not now, honey.
- He needs some time, honey.
345
00:13:14,980 --> 00:13:16,850
- I brought over a beer.
- We'll take that beer.
346
00:13:16,890 --> 00:13:18,050
Give us that beer, honey.
347
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,590
Sorry.
348
00:13:21,620 --> 00:13:23,960
I'm not a freaking love doctor.
349
00:13:23,990 --> 00:13:26,600
I'm Dr. E.D. Ote.
350
00:13:26,630 --> 00:13:28,100
(chuckles) Dr. Idiot.
351
00:13:28,130 --> 00:13:29,570
Yeah, I get it. I just never understood
352
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,570
the whole love doctor thing, anyway.
353
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:34,640
I guess I was just hoping that
with all the mistakes I've made,
354
00:13:34,670 --> 00:13:36,940
at least I could help you guys find love.
355
00:13:36,970 --> 00:13:40,480
That I didn't go through
all that for no reason.
356
00:13:40,510 --> 00:13:42,280
Yeah, but no one has the answers, you know?
357
00:13:42,310 --> 00:13:45,450
It's love, it makes no sense. It's messy.
358
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:47,920
There's no such thing as a love doctor.
359
00:13:49,190 --> 00:13:51,490
You know what, Cece?
360
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:54,160
Go on your trip. Go get over Schmidt.
361
00:13:54,190 --> 00:13:55,760
Don't listen to me.
362
00:13:55,790 --> 00:13:57,660
I'm gonna climb that mountain.
363
00:13:57,690 --> 00:13:59,600
Yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.
364
00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,230
But I'm not gonna do it for Schmidt,
365
00:14:01,260 --> 00:14:02,830
I'm gonna do it for me.
366
00:14:02,870 --> 00:14:03,970
Good. Go.
367
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,170
- I love you, girl.
- Love you, too.
368
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:13,110
Hey, don't smile. Don't smile. Look sadder
369
00:14:13,140 --> 00:14:14,410
that you're buying underpants. Underpants
370
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,580
make you very, very sad.
371
00:14:15,610 --> 00:14:17,510
Oh, I hate being here so much.
372
00:14:17,550 --> 00:14:20,320
These underpants make me so uncomfortable.
373
00:14:20,350 --> 00:14:23,120
That's perfect. There's that
fat boy improv training.
374
00:14:23,150 --> 00:14:25,490
Now, next, I'm going to ask for
something with a little more
375
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:27,420
coverage. You're gonna flip out,
say you can't take it anymore,
376
00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:28,760
and leave the store. Then tomorrow we
377
00:14:28,790 --> 00:14:30,590
enter you into some kind of rehab facility.
378
00:14:30,630 --> 00:14:32,960
When you get out we'll announce
that we're getting married.
379
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:36,670
- Married? What? I don't...
- Shh. Yes. Shh. Yes, yes. Okay,
380
00:14:36,700 --> 00:14:39,800
so what I say is we build
on this momentum, okay?
381
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,370
And we get married. I know
it's not the most romantic
382
00:14:42,410 --> 00:14:45,040
idea in the world, but we'd be happy.
383
00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:46,940
And then, we play our cards right,
384
00:14:46,980 --> 00:14:50,650
you and I are living in the
mayor's mansion by 2020.
385
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,220
Fawn. Fawn.
386
00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:54,280
No.
387
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,490
No? Oh, n-no to some of it?
388
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,150
No to all of it. We can't get
married. I barely even know you.
389
00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:00,790
You... You know me.
390
00:15:00,820 --> 00:15:02,020
The real you, Fawn.
391
00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:03,230
This is the real me.
392
00:15:03,260 --> 00:15:07,000
I'm a politician, not in
The Vagina Monologues.
393
00:15:07,030 --> 00:15:09,060
I mean, what do you want?
394
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:10,970
I can get you anything you want.
395
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,400
You'll be rich, I'll be powerful.
396
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:14,840
I'm realizing...
397
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:18,340
just now that it's not what I want.
398
00:15:18,380 --> 00:15:20,380
I don't want any of that.
399
00:15:20,410 --> 00:15:23,380
I want to be in love.
400
00:15:23,410 --> 00:15:25,750
I want to be... I want to be crazy in love.
401
00:15:25,780 --> 00:15:28,180
Okay, well, certainly don't quote Beyoncé
402
00:15:28,220 --> 00:15:30,050
and then pretend like you just thought of it.
403
00:15:30,090 --> 00:15:31,490
Uh, uh, I want to be drunk in love.
404
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,690
But that's also a Beyoncé lyric.
405
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,990
Come on, Fawn.
406
00:15:36,030 --> 00:15:38,390
You're not really in love with me.
407
00:15:38,430 --> 00:15:40,600
I'm not really in love with-with you.
408
00:15:40,630 --> 00:15:45,270
We just look great
together buying underpants.
409
00:15:46,470 --> 00:15:49,670
Are you breaking up with me?
410
00:15:49,710 --> 00:15:52,710
I guess I kind of am.
411
00:15:52,740 --> 00:15:55,110
Well, um...
412
00:15:55,150 --> 00:15:57,510
I don't want this
413
00:15:57,550 --> 00:16:01,180
to come out the wrong way, but...
414
00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:03,550
does this mean I lose your vote?
415
00:16:03,590 --> 00:16:05,520
(chuckles)
416
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,490
Never.
417
00:16:08,790 --> 00:16:12,900
(camera shutters clicking)
418
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:15,760
(shouting): I just can't stand
to be in here any longer!
419
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,770
Surrounded...
420
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,740
by these underpants!
421
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:23,140
Red ones and yellow ones
and blue ones and pink ones!
422
00:16:23,170 --> 00:16:27,280
And this woman with her brassiere/teddy.
423
00:16:27,310 --> 00:16:29,580
Underpants everywhere!
They're driving me nuts!
424
00:16:29,610 --> 00:16:31,880
I feel like I got
underpants all over my body!
425
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,580
Schmidt out. This is ridiculous.
426
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:38,120
Enough is enough. Get out of here, paparazzi.
427
00:16:38,150 --> 00:16:41,520
No, leave me... Get-get out of my way, sir.
428
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,360
- I just want to say something.
- No.
429
00:16:54,390 --> 00:16:55,260
And then I'll leave.
430
00:16:55,260 --> 00:16:57,990
Look, I'll never get involved in
your personal life ever again.
431
00:16:58,030 --> 00:17:00,230
Okay? Because I have no
idea what I'm talking about.
432
00:17:00,260 --> 00:17:02,160
And I know that now.
433
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,000
You could just... you could
just troll for basic bitches
434
00:17:04,030 --> 00:17:06,300
at the juice bar, and I
will say, mm, nothing.
435
00:17:06,340 --> 00:17:09,470
Okay? So, look, I was wrong, and I'm sorry.
436
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:12,140
I do love her.
437
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,310
I'm crazy about her.
438
00:17:15,340 --> 00:17:17,080
Yes! I was right!
439
00:17:17,110 --> 00:17:19,910
(laughs) Love Doctor! I'm back.
440
00:17:19,950 --> 00:17:22,120
Really? I thought it was
just a regular break-up.
441
00:17:22,150 --> 00:17:24,820
But in all fairness, I hadn't
thought about it that hard.
442
00:17:24,850 --> 00:17:26,750
I mean, what do I do, man?
443
00:17:26,790 --> 00:17:28,990
You know, it's like she's going to New York.
444
00:17:29,020 --> 00:17:30,960
- Yup.
- I can't go to New York with her. That's crazy.
445
00:17:30,990 --> 00:17:33,830
You know? I like my sun on the
right and my ocean on the left.
446
00:17:33,860 --> 00:17:35,260
It's a rule of mine.
447
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:37,030
Plus, I'd have to leave you guys.
448
00:17:37,070 --> 00:17:39,170
Can't leave you guys, I mean,
449
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,140
I finally have a home.
450
00:17:43,210 --> 00:17:48,040
All right, flash forward to the future.
451
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:50,980
40, 50 years.
452
00:17:51,010 --> 00:17:54,020
- You're married. Kids, grandkids.
- Mm-hmm.
453
00:17:54,050 --> 00:17:55,850
- I'm long dead.
- Naturally.
454
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:56,620
Of course.
455
00:17:56,650 --> 00:17:58,020
And you look over
456
00:17:58,050 --> 00:17:59,290
to the woman sitting next to you.
457
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:00,960
And she's gray.
458
00:18:00,990 --> 00:18:03,620
- She's old.
- She has that, like, grandma smell.
459
00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:06,290
- You have a grandpa smell, but you got...
- Grandmas always smell like...
460
00:18:06,330 --> 00:18:07,900
like right when you open a cupboard.
461
00:18:07,930 --> 00:18:10,230
- Yeah, she has that smell, but...
- Mm-hmm.
462
00:18:10,270 --> 00:18:11,370
You love her.
463
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,630
Be honest with yourself.
464
00:18:13,670 --> 00:18:16,040
- Is that fat old lady sitting beside you...
- Mm...
465
00:18:16,070 --> 00:18:18,340
Honestly, right now, in my
head, I'm just picturing, like,
466
00:18:18,370 --> 00:18:20,240
a beanbag chair with a wig on it.
467
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,910
- Okay. We have gone too much into the description.
- Okay.
468
00:18:22,950 --> 00:18:26,110
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Is that May?
469
00:18:27,350 --> 00:18:29,950
I think so.
470
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:33,650
Well, that's big.
471
00:18:33,690 --> 00:18:35,420
Let's go get her.
472
00:18:35,460 --> 00:18:38,060
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
473
00:18:38,090 --> 00:18:40,060
- Whoo-hoo!
- Let's go get May. - Yeah.
474
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:42,930
Hey, Jess, she texted me
back! The blank bubble worked!
475
00:18:42,970 --> 00:18:45,830
Guys?
476
00:18:45,870 --> 00:18:48,100
Have you seen my white friends?
477
00:18:48,140 --> 00:18:50,040
In 40 years, when we're old and
478
00:18:50,070 --> 00:18:52,610
- Do it.
- A mess of fat,
479
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,710
loose skin hanging, I have boobs,
480
00:18:55,740 --> 00:18:56,710
and you've got hair
481
00:18:56,750 --> 00:18:58,350
on your face...
482
00:18:58,380 --> 00:18:59,850
Holding my rock sack while
I'm sitting on the toilet
483
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:01,250
so it doesn't fall in the water.
484
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,180
What are you saying?
485
00:19:03,220 --> 00:19:06,890
I'm saying, as you get older,
your testicles lengthen.
486
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,060
(scoffs) No, what I'm saying is I love you.
487
00:19:09,090 --> 00:19:10,760
- Oh.
- And that I would be
488
00:19:10,790 --> 00:19:13,860
a fool if I let you leave to New York
489
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:15,330
without even fighting for us.
490
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,970
Ernie...
491
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,370
I love you, too,
492
00:19:24,410 --> 00:19:29,140
but I... I can't stay here.
493
00:19:29,180 --> 00:19:30,980
I don't want you to stay here.
494
00:19:31,010 --> 00:19:34,120
Um... look, I know we haven't
been dating that long,
495
00:19:34,150 --> 00:19:37,120
and, um, this might seem
crazy, but I was won...
496
00:19:37,150 --> 00:19:40,820
- Will you move to New York with me?
- Yes! That! That's what I...
497
00:19:40,860 --> 00:19:42,620
- Yes?!
- Yeah, that's what I wanted to do, yeah.
498
00:19:42,660 --> 00:19:44,330
(screeches) Right. So,
we're moving to New York?
499
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:46,330
- We're moving to New York.
- We're moving to New York.
500
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:48,130
- Jersey City.
- What?
501
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,160
- Jersey City!
- Jersey... I don't...
502
00:19:54,170 --> 00:19:55,470
NICK: Well, this is all you, Jess.
503
00:19:55,500 --> 00:19:57,140
Come on. This is all you.
504
00:19:57,170 --> 00:20:00,340
I mean it. If Coach were hanging out with me,
505
00:20:00,380 --> 00:20:02,940
we'd be beating up a
priest right now. (laughs)
506
00:20:02,980 --> 00:20:04,850
You had a lot to do with this, too.
507
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,350
No, really. All that stuff about
508
00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:09,750
"Who do you see yourself next to?"
509
00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:11,290
That's-that's really good.
510
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:14,120
Do you do that?
511
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:17,460
Who-who do you see yourself next to?
512
00:20:17,490 --> 00:20:20,460
Winston mostly.
513
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:23,530
Ah. Yeah, me, too, actually.
514
00:20:23,570 --> 00:20:24,970
(both laugh)
515
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,430
I just see a really old Winston.
516
00:20:26,470 --> 00:20:27,870
(laughter)
517
00:20:27,900 --> 00:20:29,800
Eating handfuls of birdseed out of the bag.
518
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,810
(both chuckle) He gets really into birds.
519
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,940
Hey!
520
00:20:33,980 --> 00:20:36,080
Play some music! Play some music!
521
00:20:37,650 --> 00:20:40,150
(playing upbeat, romantic classical music)
522
00:20:51,980 --> 00:20:53,410
I'm sorry about Fawn.
523
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:54,260
Yeah. Sorry buddy.
524
00:20:54,260 --> 00:20:55,440
Yeah, you guys were good together.
525
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:56,830
She was fine.
526
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,510
Okay, that's enough. I know
you guys didn't like her.
527
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:00,020
- Hated her guts.
- So much...
528
00:21:00,020 --> 00:21:02,060
Wait. What are we watching right now?
529
00:21:02,060 --> 00:21:03,420
That girl just took her boobs out
530
00:21:03,420 --> 00:21:05,150
Nick, why are you watching smut?
531
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,210
It was right there in the DVD player.
I don't wanna get up and get it.
532
00:21:07,220 --> 00:21:08,120
Schmidt, are you sitting on my pillow?
533
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:10,050
- Who leaves porn on the DVD player?
534
00:21:10,050 --> 00:21:11,610
The only thing we use it for.
Might as well just
535
00:21:11,620 --> 00:21:14,040
- leave it in.
- I'm sleeping on the couch. Fergusson and I are fighting.
536
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,340
- SCHMIDT: Why is that pillow wet? - It's a good story.
Let's just watch and sees what happen.
537
00:21:16,350 --> 00:21:17,930
What are you smiling at?
538
00:21:19,010 --> 00:21:19,870
Nothing.
539
00:21:20,610 --> 00:21:22,740
For crying out loud, take this
soft-core off the TV right now.
540
00:21:22,740 --> 00:21:24,140
Why is this pillow wet?
Furguson...
541
00:21:24,140 --> 00:21:26,310
Jess, I have to see
how the story ends.
542
00:21:26,310 --> 00:21:29,110
There isn't any plot! This is the
wrong time to stop this, trust me.
543
00:21:29,110 --> 00:21:31,280
Get you and your wet pillow and
your big old legs out of here.
544
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,280
Nick, I know you want that.
I don't want to eat that.
545
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,580
Get that damn pizza out of my mouth!
(laughter)