1 00:00:07,016 --> 00:00:10,624 Back in the bosom of Lady Liberty. New York! 2 00:00:10,649 --> 00:00:12,961 Your baby boy's triumphant return! 3 00:00:12,993 --> 00:00:16,749 Fitzgerald High's Distinguished Alum of the Year coming through! 4 00:00:16,828 --> 00:00:19,496 - Make way! - A lot of energy after that red-eye. 5 00:00:19,548 --> 00:00:22,716 I feel terrible. My eyes are all red af... 6 00:00:23,558 --> 00:00:25,581 Oh, I see what they did. 7 00:00:25,722 --> 00:00:26,887 Yeah, I feel normal. 8 00:00:26,922 --> 00:00:29,173 Most nights I sleep sitting up in my clothes, 9 00:00:29,225 --> 00:00:31,813 holding a plastic cup with garbage in it anyhow, so... 10 00:00:31,838 --> 00:00:34,978 This is my man, and he is distinguished, people. 11 00:00:35,014 --> 00:00:37,898 Yes, the high school that once treated me like a nobody 12 00:00:37,933 --> 00:00:40,100 is finally recognizing me for what I am. 13 00:00:40,152 --> 00:00:41,984 This is it. This is all happening. 14 00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:44,354 Comeuppance. Genuine come up the pants! 15 00:00:44,406 --> 00:00:47,335 Just being back in New York is actually a comeback for me. 16 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,360 'Cause the last time I was here... wasn't great. 17 00:00:53,374 --> 00:00:54,507 Aah! 18 00:00:55,564 --> 00:00:56,702 Oh! 19 00:01:05,119 --> 00:01:06,526 I love New York! 20 00:01:10,619 --> 00:01:12,666 - Hey, Mama! - Back! Get back from the curb! 21 00:01:12,691 --> 00:01:15,495 - There's maniacs out here! - Well, I'm being careful, Mom. God! 22 00:01:15,521 --> 00:01:17,054 Thank God you are here, Jess. 23 00:01:17,102 --> 00:01:20,333 I could not get through a weekend with Schmidt's mom without you. 24 00:01:20,358 --> 00:01:22,216 Do you know that she carried him for 11 months? 25 00:01:22,241 --> 00:01:25,096 - PADFUNT. - PAD... PADFUNT? 26 00:01:25,121 --> 00:01:27,898 Positivity Always, Decency Forever, 27 00:01:27,900 --> 00:01:30,450 Understanding No Trouble. 28 00:01:30,486 --> 00:01:33,403 That's my strategy for surviving New York. 29 00:01:33,405 --> 00:01:35,768 And that's how you survive Louise. 30 00:01:35,793 --> 00:01:38,075 Look at my boy! 31 00:01:38,077 --> 00:01:40,210 - Are you wearing suntan lotion? - Yes. 32 00:01:40,246 --> 00:01:42,412 - Say hello to your brother. - Oh, hello, Reggie. 33 00:01:42,414 --> 00:01:43,599 Kiss your brother. 34 00:01:43,624 --> 00:01:45,147 - What? - Kiss your brother. He loves it! 35 00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:47,046 - I don't want to. I don't want to. - Kiss him! Kiss him on the lips. 36 00:01:47,070 --> 00:01:48,475 - He loves it. Come on. - I don't want to, Mama! 37 00:01:48,499 --> 00:01:50,315 Come on, Schmidt. It's okay. I'll kiss him. 38 00:01:50,339 --> 00:01:53,197 Why would you do that? He's your husband's brother. That's gross. 39 00:01:53,910 --> 00:01:56,139 - Hey, Louise. - Ah, there she is. 40 00:01:56,164 --> 00:01:58,666 Hey, Schmidt, uh, Nick and I are gonna grab a cab into the city. 41 00:01:58,690 --> 00:02:01,524 Get one of our famous extravagant lunches. 42 00:02:01,549 --> 00:02:03,216 - Your what? - You know our thing. 43 00:02:03,241 --> 00:02:05,809 We're men of means. We like nice lunches. 44 00:02:05,851 --> 00:02:08,401 Men of means? This is New York City. 45 00:02:08,403 --> 00:02:10,850 A city only one Baldwin can afford. 46 00:02:10,875 --> 00:02:14,099 I would love to offer up a retort, but true men of means 47 00:02:14,124 --> 00:02:16,906 - are rich in dignity. - Yes, they're also rich in money. 48 00:02:17,039 --> 00:02:18,578 Just remember to be back by 7:00. 49 00:02:18,580 --> 00:02:21,277 And it's Fitzgerald High School in Great Neck. 50 00:02:21,302 --> 00:02:22,459 - If you can't remember Great Neck, - Sure. 51 00:02:22,483 --> 00:02:24,623 that's what they used to call me in high school, 'cause... 52 00:02:24,647 --> 00:02:27,505 well, 'cause I was dangerously fat, specifically in the neck area. 53 00:02:27,530 --> 00:02:29,199 We won't forget. Let's get a cab. 54 00:02:29,223 --> 00:02:31,138 - Men of means! - Men of means! 55 00:02:31,435 --> 00:02:34,122 Welcome to Long Island, the real New York. 56 00:02:37,513 --> 00:02:40,617 - This is such a lovely home, Louise. - Yes, it is. 57 00:02:40,652 --> 00:02:43,736 - Who wants Crystal Light? - Oh, me. Thank you. 58 00:02:43,772 --> 00:02:46,072 That is good. I'd kiss you, but that would mean 59 00:02:46,107 --> 00:02:47,834 I made out with both of Schmidt's parents. 60 00:02:47,859 --> 00:02:49,776 Yeah. 61 00:02:50,116 --> 00:02:52,226 - Good vibes. Great trip so far. - Well... 62 00:02:52,388 --> 00:02:54,781 I'm gonna go wardrobe prep for tonight and press my suit. 63 00:02:54,824 --> 00:02:56,740 - I'll press it. - Or I... I can press it. 64 00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:58,241 Can you, though? 65 00:02:58,954 --> 00:03:00,620 PADFUNT. 66 00:03:00,672 --> 00:03:03,514 Whew! I am stuffed. 67 00:03:03,835 --> 00:03:05,542 What a lunch. Expensive but worth it. 68 00:03:05,594 --> 00:03:08,878 I'm still feeling a bit peckish. Please, a third lobster at once. 69 00:03:08,930 --> 00:03:10,880 And a telephone on a tray. Rotary. 70 00:03:11,799 --> 00:03:13,633 Men of means! 71 00:03:13,685 --> 00:03:15,602 It was lavish, but we deserved it. 72 00:03:15,637 --> 00:03:18,187 80% tip, zero percent regret. 73 00:03:18,223 --> 00:03:21,608 Ooh, that sounds good. Hey... keep it up. 74 00:03:21,655 --> 00:03:23,046 Little five spot. 75 00:03:23,358 --> 00:03:24,552 Little crispy Abe! 76 00:03:24,577 --> 00:03:26,896 Hey, today, we are going for it. 77 00:03:31,159 --> 00:03:32,742 Yeah, man. 78 00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,214 - You got it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 79 00:03:34,239 --> 00:03:35,801 - That's, that's all you right there. - You got it? Man, 80 00:03:35,825 --> 00:03:38,457 I don't have any money. I need to borrow a little bit. I spent everything. 81 00:03:38,481 --> 00:03:41,509 - I was gonna ask you. - I spent all my cash on lunch. 82 00:03:41,534 --> 00:03:43,878 Well, I only take prepaid debit cards with me on trips 83 00:03:43,903 --> 00:03:45,408 so I can stick to a budget. 84 00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:46,862 I'm tapped out, man. Use your credit card. 85 00:03:46,886 --> 00:03:49,073 - I don't have a credit card! - You don't have a credit card? 86 00:03:49,097 --> 00:03:50,425 Once you get one, you're in their system. 87 00:03:50,449 --> 00:03:51,907 I have zero dollars. 88 00:03:51,931 --> 00:03:54,073 Okay, well, how are we supposed to get to Long Island? 89 00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:57,308 So, we don't have any money? 90 00:04:04,564 --> 00:04:05,830 Excuse me? 91 00:04:05,868 --> 00:04:07,822 I put five dollars in there earlier. 92 00:04:07,847 --> 00:04:09,980 I need to take $4.50 out. 93 00:04:09,982 --> 00:04:13,096 I guess you could say my ears are bigger than my pockets. 94 00:04:15,568 --> 00:04:16,901 Oh! 95 00:04:16,926 --> 00:04:18,622 Very close to hitting my finger! 96 00:04:18,657 --> 00:04:20,407 Brother, brother, brother. 97 00:04:21,660 --> 00:04:23,627 How you doing, black man? Black man, how you...? 98 00:04:23,662 --> 00:04:25,629 Aah! Oh! 99 00:04:28,358 --> 00:04:29,991 I got this. Let me tap in. 100 00:04:30,016 --> 00:04:31,578 Black man, black man, my brother, my brother. 101 00:04:31,602 --> 00:04:33,102 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 102 00:04:33,389 --> 00:04:35,404 Is that the homecoming welcome package? 103 00:04:35,928 --> 00:04:37,272 I want to see what picture of me they used. 104 00:04:37,296 --> 00:04:38,757 I sent in, like, 20. 105 00:04:38,782 --> 00:04:41,538 I hope they used the one of me shaking hands with Pierce Brosnan. 106 00:04:41,563 --> 00:04:44,264 We really ruined his dinner, but it was worth it. 107 00:04:48,697 --> 00:04:50,111 What the hell? 108 00:04:50,267 --> 00:04:52,189 There's, like, 100 honorees. 109 00:04:55,811 --> 00:04:58,341 "An opportunity for various alumni 110 00:04:58,366 --> 00:05:01,999 "to support our dream of purchasing a new gymnasium scoreboard"? 111 00:05:02,034 --> 00:05:04,585 They're not honoring me. They're shaking me down! 112 00:05:04,620 --> 00:05:06,370 Of course. 113 00:05:06,422 --> 00:05:08,505 The alumni association is run by the same jerks 114 00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:11,291 who used to pull this crap on me back in high school. 115 00:05:11,343 --> 00:05:14,355 Every student council meeting needs some pizza. 116 00:05:14,410 --> 00:05:16,096 Here you go, Marissa. My treat. 117 00:05:16,132 --> 00:05:17,514 Cool. Thanks. 118 00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:18,932 You can take off now. 119 00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:20,851 But it's my house. 120 00:05:20,886 --> 00:05:22,221 Mm-hmm. 121 00:05:22,970 --> 00:05:26,313 I'm gonna go for a lap around the block, then. 122 00:05:26,358 --> 00:05:29,560 The only thing she devoured more than my pizza was my self-esteem, 123 00:05:29,612 --> 00:05:31,344 and now she's back for seconds. 124 00:05:31,369 --> 00:05:34,289 - Ugh! That's gut-wrenching! - Sorry, sweetheart. 125 00:05:34,314 --> 00:05:36,531 I'm sorry in a way only a mother could be. 126 00:05:36,563 --> 00:05:40,911 It sucks that it was so cool to be a bully when we were young. 127 00:05:40,956 --> 00:05:43,883 This is a disaster. If you need me, I'll be in my room... 128 00:05:44,148 --> 00:05:46,793 blasting Dookie on cassette. 129 00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:50,330 Wait! Schmidt. 130 00:05:50,366 --> 00:05:51,849 Oh. 131 00:05:51,892 --> 00:05:53,842 Freakin' New York. 132 00:05:53,886 --> 00:05:56,907 Ma, you turned my room into Reggie's room? 133 00:05:57,422 --> 00:05:59,439 I hate my brother! 134 00:06:03,712 --> 00:06:06,072 - You all right in there, baby? - I got this. 135 00:06:06,097 --> 00:06:07,355 A mother knows how. 136 00:06:07,603 --> 00:06:09,673 You all right in there, baby? 137 00:06:09,698 --> 00:06:10,888 Let me try. 138 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,990 Schmidt? Schmidt? Schmidt? 139 00:06:16,024 --> 00:06:18,925 Schmidt? Schmidt? 140 00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:20,740 Schmidt? 141 00:06:20,765 --> 00:06:22,396 Schmidt? 142 00:06:22,432 --> 00:06:24,432 - Schmidt? - Okay, okay. 143 00:06:24,484 --> 00:06:25,850 Just one more. 144 00:06:26,566 --> 00:06:28,222 - Schmidt? - Shut up! 145 00:06:28,256 --> 00:06:30,512 - Yes, I did it. - Leave me alone, ass hat! 146 00:06:30,537 --> 00:06:32,231 I know you didn't mean that. 147 00:06:32,256 --> 00:06:35,309 Is there anything that we can do to make you feel better right now? 148 00:06:35,457 --> 00:06:37,223 - Schmaegalman's. - Schmaegalman's? 149 00:06:37,256 --> 00:06:40,615 Schmaegalman's is his favorite deli. He loves their soup. 150 00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:43,274 He's telling us he's hungry! Do you not know when he's hungry? 151 00:06:43,299 --> 00:06:46,165 - I know when he's hungry, Louise. - I'll stay here in case he needs me. 152 00:06:46,190 --> 00:06:48,370 - Cece, you go get the soup. - Maybe I should stay here, 153 00:06:48,394 --> 00:06:51,579 - considering I'm his wife? - Fine. We'll order in Ling's Palace. 154 00:06:51,604 --> 00:06:53,961 It's fine. It's just fine. 155 00:06:53,963 --> 00:06:55,709 We're getting Ling's Palace 156 00:06:55,734 --> 00:06:57,295 because your wife won't get Schmaegalman's. 157 00:06:57,319 --> 00:06:58,630 - Aah! - Hey, guys. 158 00:06:58,833 --> 00:07:01,435 I want everyone to have a really great trip. 159 00:07:01,471 --> 00:07:04,293 You both stay here. I'm gonna go to Schmergerman... 160 00:07:04,332 --> 00:07:05,974 - I'm gonna go to Schmaegel... - Schmaegalman's. 161 00:07:05,998 --> 00:07:07,090 - Bagelman's? - No. 162 00:07:07,113 --> 00:07:08,096 Schmaegalman. 163 00:07:08,121 --> 00:07:09,105 - Maegalman's? - Maegal. Yeah. 164 00:07:09,130 --> 00:07:11,445 I'm gonna go to... to the deli. 165 00:07:11,481 --> 00:07:13,254 - You? - Can I borrow your car, please? 166 00:07:13,279 --> 00:07:16,732 If you get so much as a scratch on it, you'll never leave New York. 167 00:07:16,757 --> 00:07:19,036 - Because you'll be dead. - Because I'll be dead. 168 00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:22,537 - You can't handle that deli. - I think I can handle going to a deli. 169 00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:29,997 PADFUNT. 170 00:07:30,049 --> 00:07:31,456 I got this. 171 00:07:32,162 --> 00:07:34,315 We got this, man. Don't worry about it. 172 00:07:34,340 --> 00:07:36,838 We're industrious, you know? We're resourceful. 173 00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,055 Just got to... 174 00:07:41,450 --> 00:07:42,983 Hey. Follow my lead. 175 00:07:43,146 --> 00:07:46,097 ♪ Gather round, everybody ♪ 176 00:07:46,149 --> 00:07:48,099 ♪ Gather round, everybody ♪ 177 00:07:50,749 --> 00:07:53,616 - They're gathering. Gather round. - Yes, yes. Yes, indeed. 178 00:07:53,686 --> 00:07:56,023 - What's the plan? - We're gonna show 'em our talent. 179 00:07:56,025 --> 00:07:59,193 That's what we're gonna do. 180 00:07:59,245 --> 00:08:01,362 What time is it? It's showtime. 181 00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:03,364 What time is it? It's showtime. 182 00:08:03,416 --> 00:08:05,200 Who wants to see what he's gonna do? 183 00:08:05,225 --> 00:08:07,168 - I do! - 'Cause I'm gonna do it. 184 00:08:07,203 --> 00:08:09,453 - He's gonna do it! - I'll do it! 185 00:08:09,505 --> 00:08:11,088 - Got to do it! - Let's do it! 186 00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:13,924 - It's honestly time to do it! - Yeah, we're about to! 187 00:08:15,879 --> 00:08:18,546 Y'all don't want to miss this! 188 00:08:18,571 --> 00:08:19,836 Yeah. Yeah. 189 00:08:19,861 --> 00:08:22,578 - All right, get ready for showtime! - We gonna do something with this! 190 00:08:22,602 --> 00:08:24,836 - Oh, yeah. - This the main event right here! 191 00:08:26,504 --> 00:08:28,324 The next L train 192 00:08:28,356 --> 00:08:29,784 - is now arriving - What is this? What is this? 193 00:08:29,808 --> 00:08:31,808 On the Manhattan track. 194 00:08:35,365 --> 00:08:37,114 Did it just work? 195 00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:40,283 Yes, sir, my man, I think it did! 196 00:08:41,299 --> 00:08:43,057 Let's count up all this loot. 197 00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:46,073 That's several... see what we find right here. 198 00:08:46,075 --> 00:08:49,076 That's seventy... We got 72 cents. 199 00:08:50,185 --> 00:08:53,987 So if we just stall until the train arrives, we never have to do anything. 200 00:08:54,012 --> 00:08:56,113 - What time is it? - It's showtime! 201 00:08:56,165 --> 00:08:58,113 - What time is it? - It's showtime! 202 00:08:59,555 --> 00:09:01,863 Excuse me, sir. Is this the line? 203 00:09:01,888 --> 00:09:04,091 What a New York character. 204 00:09:04,093 --> 00:09:05,815 You're a New York character. 205 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,885 Oh, sorry. Um, I was just... 206 00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,847 getting in line behind you. 207 00:09:09,899 --> 00:09:11,599 Don't want to get in a pickle. 208 00:09:11,601 --> 00:09:13,666 That's just deli fun. Oh. 209 00:09:13,691 --> 00:09:16,877 There you go, sweetheart. Okay, there we go! 210 00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:20,358 - Hi, do you have special soup... - This is the cream cheese line. Next. 211 00:09:21,641 --> 00:09:23,441 - You're still here? - I'm sorry. I'll just... 212 00:09:23,508 --> 00:09:25,070 - Next! - Yes, um... 213 00:09:25,110 --> 00:09:27,414 - Too slow! Next! - Two pounds of whitefish. 214 00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:30,066 - Beautiful baby. Okay. - Don't talk to me. 215 00:09:30,761 --> 00:09:33,449 - 43, 44, 45, 46... - Oh, yes, um... 216 00:09:33,474 --> 00:09:35,909 - 46. Two black-and-whites. - May I please have the... Oh, uh, 217 00:09:35,933 --> 00:09:38,654 - Excuse me, I'm 45. - Yeah, he already called it, slowpoke. 218 00:09:38,678 --> 00:09:41,629 - Here you go. - Welcome to New York. 219 00:09:48,810 --> 00:09:49,854 No! 220 00:09:49,889 --> 00:09:51,904 I'm 45! 221 00:09:52,608 --> 00:09:55,559 45 is before 46! 222 00:09:55,611 --> 00:09:57,311 You'll get your damn cookies 223 00:09:57,313 --> 00:10:00,337 when you give me your ass! 224 00:10:01,985 --> 00:10:05,806 One large special soup now! 225 00:10:06,658 --> 00:10:08,756 Schmidt, it's Jess. I got your soup 226 00:10:08,791 --> 00:10:11,993 but not until I punched this city in the damn throat. 227 00:10:11,995 --> 00:10:13,409 I thought you were all about keeping it positive. 228 00:10:13,433 --> 00:10:16,580 That is for sucker MCs and West Coast punks. 229 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:19,533 This city's a jungle, so you better be a freaking lion. 230 00:10:19,569 --> 00:10:21,052 That goes for you, too, Schmidt. 231 00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:23,337 I had an epiphany getting your soup. 232 00:10:23,389 --> 00:10:25,222 That's what you got to do tonight. 233 00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,744 - What are you talking about? - You're a really special guy, 234 00:10:27,769 --> 00:10:30,039 and you got to let everyone in high school know that. 235 00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:32,096 So you got to go to that homecoming, 236 00:10:32,148 --> 00:10:33,681 you got to grab that mic, 237 00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:38,269 and you got to roast that Marissa and the rest of those junkyard... fat cats. 238 00:10:38,809 --> 00:10:41,522 I'm gonna tell them all what I really think of them. 239 00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,441 - Yeah! - Yeah! 240 00:10:43,493 --> 00:10:45,242 Somebody bring me an ironing board! 241 00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:48,279 - Oh, I got it, babe. - Coming, darling! 242 00:10:51,503 --> 00:10:53,200 What else you got, New York? 243 00:10:53,202 --> 00:10:56,221 - You want to step into me? - Stop, stop, stop, stop! 244 00:10:56,393 --> 00:10:58,289 Stop! NYPD! 245 00:10:58,318 --> 00:11:00,685 Ma'am, I need to commandeer this vehicle. 246 00:11:00,710 --> 00:11:02,171 If you want to commandeer this vehicle, 247 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,345 then you're gonna have to commandeer this ass. 248 00:11:08,258 --> 00:11:10,391 - Thanks a lot New York. - Aah! 249 00:11:11,476 --> 00:11:13,070 Watch my soup. 250 00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:19,882 What are you doin'? 251 00:11:19,907 --> 00:11:21,406 Where'd you learn to drive? 252 00:11:21,787 --> 00:11:23,050 Damn it. 253 00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,959 You commandeered my friend's mom's car and then you crashed it? 254 00:11:25,984 --> 00:11:28,897 That's like me asking to borrow your dumb cop jacket 255 00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:31,527 and then... just crashing it. 256 00:11:31,702 --> 00:11:33,952 Man, I thought I had this city licked. 257 00:11:33,987 --> 00:11:36,135 But in the end, it was me who got licked. 258 00:11:36,213 --> 00:11:40,072 Wait, did that actually happen? 'Cause there have been some... 259 00:11:40,097 --> 00:11:42,463 reported lickings recently, and if you got a good look at the guy... 260 00:11:42,487 --> 00:11:44,057 I was obviously speaking metaphorically. 261 00:11:44,081 --> 00:11:47,489 Right. Me, too. Our city is wonderful. It's a great place to walk around. 262 00:11:49,064 --> 00:11:50,885 So what about my friend's mom's car? 263 00:11:51,064 --> 00:11:52,398 Let me guess, there's nothing you can do. 264 00:11:52,422 --> 00:11:55,447 No, ma'am, listen, everything's gonna be fine. 265 00:11:55,596 --> 00:11:58,271 Just go to the 99th Precinct, and I promise you... 266 00:11:58,296 --> 00:12:02,397 You will be treated in the most efficient and pleasant way imaginable. 267 00:12:02,432 --> 00:12:04,983 Proof of ownership. Liability release. 268 00:12:05,018 --> 00:12:07,440 Waiver of responsibility. Smog check. 269 00:12:07,465 --> 00:12:08,853 Non-operation of a boat. 270 00:12:08,897 --> 00:12:11,036 Waiver of somethin'. 271 00:12:11,061 --> 00:12:12,372 Liability release. 272 00:12:12,433 --> 00:12:15,004 Ya-dee-da. Da-dee-da. 273 00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,255 And da. 274 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,511 This is an application to join the NYPD softball team. 275 00:12:19,691 --> 00:12:22,784 You think I like sitting here, handing you form after form? 276 00:12:22,786 --> 00:12:24,867 - Kind of. - You're right. 277 00:12:24,892 --> 00:12:26,156 I do. 278 00:12:26,258 --> 00:12:28,675 God, it's like you're in here. 279 00:12:30,364 --> 00:12:33,396 Aw, the train! What terrible timing. 280 00:12:33,450 --> 00:12:35,605 You're gonna miss the show. What a drag! 281 00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:36,773 - It's crazy, man. - This is amazing. 282 00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:38,855 Do you guys need volunteers? Because I'll do it. 283 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,184 I was just telling my son how I've always dreamed of being a busker. 284 00:12:42,639 --> 00:12:44,131 Well, guess what. 285 00:12:44,319 --> 00:12:48,295 You have just introduced yourself to the best buskers in the business. 286 00:12:48,420 --> 00:12:52,023 Ladies and gentlemen, due to a signal problem at 51st Street 287 00:12:52,048 --> 00:12:53,782 all trains are currently delayed. 288 00:12:53,817 --> 00:12:55,650 Thank you for your patience. 289 00:12:58,983 --> 00:13:00,599 What do we do now, Winston? 290 00:13:00,815 --> 00:13:02,540 We are about to busk, baby. 291 00:13:02,576 --> 00:13:04,743 Okay, you're busking with the best! 292 00:13:04,795 --> 00:13:06,961 In the most unbelievable, 293 00:13:06,997 --> 00:13:09,080 I said inconceivable, 294 00:13:09,132 --> 00:13:12,076 unthinkable, unbelievable, 295 00:13:12,101 --> 00:13:14,336 - also unthinkable... - Are you stalling? 296 00:13:14,338 --> 00:13:17,219 In what world? 297 00:13:17,351 --> 00:13:19,140 In-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in... 298 00:13:21,178 --> 00:13:23,508 What-what-what-what-what-what- what-what-what-what... 299 00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:26,703 - Jess? - Hey, Cece, I-I know I'm late. 300 00:13:26,883 --> 00:13:28,407 - It's this freakin' city. - Huh? 301 00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:29,899 - A cop wrecked Louise's car. - What? 302 00:13:29,923 --> 00:13:32,498 - I'm waiting to talk to his captain. - What are you talking about right now? 303 00:13:32,522 --> 00:13:34,239 Just tell her it's fine. 304 00:13:34,274 --> 00:13:36,696 Did you tell Schmidt to do a roast tonight? 305 00:13:36,914 --> 00:13:39,462 Funk yeah, I did. That's how you deal with this town. 306 00:13:39,487 --> 00:13:42,258 - Well, I think that's a huge mistake. - What, to defend your husband? 307 00:13:42,283 --> 00:13:44,862 - I didn't say that, Louise. - Mom, how's this? 308 00:13:44,887 --> 00:13:47,896 "In conclusion, you're ugly. I make money. 309 00:13:48,091 --> 00:13:50,255 "You just got roasted by the California Kid." 310 00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:52,347 I think it's sensational. 311 00:13:52,372 --> 00:13:53,686 Can you please just get back here? 312 00:13:53,710 --> 00:13:55,630 - We're not ready yet! - We're not ready yet, 313 00:13:55,655 --> 00:13:58,076 'cause I got to do something that you didn't know I was about to do. 314 00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,382 - Do it! - Blow your mind. Oh. 315 00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:03,355 - Another piece of the puzzle! - Whoa! 316 00:14:03,357 --> 00:14:07,055 - We're taking it to the top! - Do it, do it, 317 00:14:07,057 --> 00:14:09,349 - Thank you for starting that chant. - Do... You got it. 318 00:14:09,393 --> 00:14:11,862 Okay, it's, uh... it's looking like we have to do it. 319 00:14:11,887 --> 00:14:15,705 - Okay, I don't know what "it" is. - "It" is looking like a jump. 320 00:14:15,776 --> 00:14:18,254 Okay, that is bone-chilling news. It's too long. 321 00:14:18,279 --> 00:14:20,902 Look, we have no choice, okay? We got to get to Long Island. 322 00:14:20,904 --> 00:14:22,954 We can do it. We can do it. 323 00:14:22,999 --> 00:14:25,199 - All right! Here we go! - Okay! Here we go! Here we go! 324 00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:28,209 On the count of three. 325 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,080 One, two, three. 326 00:14:38,588 --> 00:14:40,221 You can do it! 327 00:14:48,769 --> 00:14:51,182 That was great. That was great! 328 00:14:51,234 --> 00:14:53,902 I broke my back. 329 00:14:58,195 --> 00:14:59,357 Winston. 330 00:14:59,409 --> 00:15:01,169 We-Well, your car should be fixed by morning. 331 00:15:01,194 --> 00:15:03,745 - How do I know you're not lying? - I never lie. 332 00:15:04,369 --> 00:15:07,174 Although I told my mother her hair looked good once... 333 00:15:07,451 --> 00:15:08,971 and it didn't. 334 00:15:09,046 --> 00:15:10,629 Just looked okay. 335 00:15:10,654 --> 00:15:12,098 Okay, I believe you, even though you're from 336 00:15:12,122 --> 00:15:13,919 the city of garbage water and pizza trash. 337 00:15:13,944 --> 00:15:15,673 What is your problem with this city? 338 00:15:17,114 --> 00:15:19,761 I've just never had a good experience here. 339 00:15:20,296 --> 00:15:24,199 I came here once before and it was a complete disaster. 340 00:15:24,226 --> 00:15:26,426 Did you go to the opera and were disappointed? 341 00:15:26,932 --> 00:15:29,252 - It's this new director. - No, I actually... 342 00:15:29,277 --> 00:15:33,441 I had this great week planned, and then thing after thing went wrong, and then 343 00:15:33,810 --> 00:15:35,677 I cut my trip off early. 344 00:15:36,663 --> 00:15:38,372 Oh, my God. 345 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,400 Oh, my God. 346 00:15:45,132 --> 00:15:47,140 - That's when that was? - Obviously, I don't know 347 00:15:47,165 --> 00:15:49,125 because I have no idea what you're talking about. 348 00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:54,662 I left early and I went home and surprised my boyfriend. 349 00:15:54,664 --> 00:15:58,666 ♪ Who's that girl... ♪ 350 00:16:00,915 --> 00:16:02,455 ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 351 00:16:03,423 --> 00:16:05,532 Spencer was the actual worst. 352 00:16:05,557 --> 00:16:08,843 He called sex "making tacos." 353 00:16:09,955 --> 00:16:12,480 Well, you know what I always say? 354 00:16:12,891 --> 00:16:15,627 - Things happen for a reason... - Yes, and the reason 355 00:16:15,652 --> 00:16:17,527 that New York sucked was because 356 00:16:17,552 --> 00:16:19,128 - I was supposed to catch Spencer, - No, you didn't let me finish. 357 00:16:19,152 --> 00:16:20,650 'cause I wasn't supposed to end up with him. 358 00:16:20,674 --> 00:16:22,357 I always say things happen for a reason, 359 00:16:22,359 --> 00:16:24,909 and that reason is random chance. 360 00:16:24,945 --> 00:16:27,441 No, you were right the first time. 361 00:16:27,519 --> 00:16:29,761 New York wasn't kicking my ass, 362 00:16:29,786 --> 00:16:32,200 it was nudging it, gently, in the right direction. 363 00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:37,091 Just like you are right now. 364 00:16:38,008 --> 00:16:39,374 Yes. 365 00:16:39,376 --> 00:16:40,801 Yes, that's what's happening. 366 00:16:40,826 --> 00:16:44,309 You can't be mad at your past... it makes you who you are. And... 367 00:16:44,364 --> 00:16:46,292 Oh, my God. 368 00:16:46,317 --> 00:16:48,717 I told my friend to do something really stupid, 369 00:16:48,889 --> 00:16:50,301 and I have to go stop him. 370 00:16:50,326 --> 00:16:53,104 Hey, do you want to do something very, super considerate? 371 00:16:53,139 --> 00:16:54,556 We can't provide you with a police escort. 372 00:16:54,558 --> 00:16:56,808 - I wasn't gonna ask that. - Yeah, you were. 373 00:16:56,867 --> 00:16:59,227 - Yeah, I was. - But here: my lunch. 374 00:16:59,524 --> 00:17:02,947 It's not Schmaegalman's, but take it. It's Ling's Palace. 375 00:17:03,219 --> 00:17:04,792 It's fine. 376 00:17:05,930 --> 00:17:07,190 It's just fine. 377 00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:16,918 Oh, Dragon! Did I miss it? 378 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,386 Uh-uh. It's cool. 379 00:17:18,421 --> 00:17:21,784 That's a really realistic-looking costume, with the smoke and everything. 380 00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:23,724 Oh, you're just hotboxing. 381 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,714 - Yeah. - Yeah, I'm a vice principal. 382 00:17:26,198 --> 00:17:28,409 - Hey... - Oh! 383 00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:32,116 You're a mess, dude. 384 00:17:32,141 --> 00:17:34,539 And with Fitzgerald High's new scoreboard, 385 00:17:34,564 --> 00:17:37,781 we can make Great Neck great again. 386 00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:42,810 Wait, wait, Schmidt. 387 00:17:42,835 --> 00:17:44,981 What? What, is my makeup too thick? 388 00:17:45,567 --> 00:17:47,832 What? No, no, you look great. 389 00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:50,216 Uh, look, you can't do this. I was wrong. 390 00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:52,279 Wh... What are you talking about? This was your idea. 391 00:17:52,303 --> 00:17:54,480 I know. But I was wrong. 392 00:17:54,505 --> 00:17:57,558 - You can't be mad at these people. - But they were all horrible to me Jess. 393 00:17:57,589 --> 00:17:59,627 And that's why you left. 394 00:17:59,652 --> 00:18:01,882 You created your own path. 395 00:18:01,884 --> 00:18:04,550 You changed cities. You made friends. 396 00:18:06,135 --> 00:18:09,437 You found your purpose. You met the love of your life. 397 00:18:09,462 --> 00:18:12,640 - I sure did. - Just enjoy your evening. 398 00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:16,216 You know, you have nothing to say to these people. 399 00:18:16,825 --> 00:18:19,419 If anything... Thank you. 400 00:18:21,623 --> 00:18:24,118 I can't wait to see the look on Schmidt's face 401 00:18:24,143 --> 00:18:25,797 when he realizes we made it. 402 00:18:25,822 --> 00:18:27,488 Well, he wanted us to make it. 403 00:18:27,490 --> 00:18:29,490 As I was saying, though, I can't wait to see the look on his face 404 00:18:29,492 --> 00:18:31,068 when he realizes that we made it, though, right? 405 00:18:31,092 --> 00:18:33,395 - That's just gonna be like, "Oh." - I know, but... 406 00:18:33,428 --> 00:18:35,442 just be exc... Yeah, I can't wait, though, right? 407 00:18:35,467 --> 00:18:38,332 Okay? We can't score without you. 408 00:18:39,457 --> 00:18:41,886 Whoa. Hello. 409 00:18:42,005 --> 00:18:44,556 Is this Schmidt? What... what are you doing? 410 00:18:44,986 --> 00:18:48,293 Um... Excuse me, Marissa, I'm very sorry. 411 00:18:48,326 --> 00:18:52,417 I... I would just be remiss if I let this moment pass me by. 412 00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:56,350 You know, I'm a lucky man. 413 00:18:56,402 --> 00:18:59,560 Because I wouldn't be the man that I am today 414 00:18:59,611 --> 00:19:02,011 if it weren't for the experiences 415 00:19:02,125 --> 00:19:03,741 that I've had right here. 416 00:19:05,286 --> 00:19:07,246 So, thank you... 417 00:19:07,723 --> 00:19:09,390 for being the worst 418 00:19:09,699 --> 00:19:11,999 that humankind has to offer. 419 00:19:12,035 --> 00:19:14,585 That includes Harvey Levin and every cast member 420 00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:17,038 that's ever been on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. 421 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,707 Thank you for showing me that athletic apparel 422 00:19:19,709 --> 00:19:22,176 is something that should never be worn outside the house, 423 00:19:22,211 --> 00:19:24,178 you chubby-thumbed pickle hoarders. 424 00:19:24,220 --> 00:19:25,853 And in conclusion, 425 00:19:25,908 --> 00:19:27,548 you're all ugly. I make money. 426 00:19:27,550 --> 00:19:31,353 You just got roasted by the California Kid. I did it! 427 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,922 Oh, you sure do talk a lot when your mouth isn't full... 428 00:19:39,110 --> 00:19:41,727 Great Neck. 429 00:19:42,508 --> 00:19:46,700 Thank you, Schmidt. Boy, that was real embarrassing for you, huh? 430 00:19:47,192 --> 00:19:49,192 They're taunting my baby. 431 00:19:52,490 --> 00:19:54,674 This is not good. 432 00:19:57,784 --> 00:20:02,236 Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cece Schmidt. 433 00:20:02,741 --> 00:20:06,741 So if any of you have anything else you'd like to say to my husband, 434 00:20:06,776 --> 00:20:12,272 I will drag you outside and we will handle this L.A. style. 435 00:20:12,405 --> 00:20:17,669 I will take you to the corner of Fairfax and La Brea. 436 00:20:17,671 --> 00:20:19,671 Those are parallel streets. I'm not telling her that. 437 00:20:19,673 --> 00:20:21,153 That's my daughter! 438 00:20:25,061 --> 00:20:26,511 We have to leave. Where's my car? 439 00:20:26,513 --> 00:20:29,381 Even though your car is definitely here, 440 00:20:29,491 --> 00:20:31,015 it's a beautiful night... let's walk. 441 00:20:31,016 --> 00:20:33,095 Okay, look, she clearly did something weird with your car, 442 00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:34,682 - but I got something. - Trust us. 443 00:20:34,707 --> 00:20:38,073 Sepulveda! La Cienega, bitches. El Matador beach. 444 00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:40,241 You're just naming places in Southern California. 445 00:20:40,276 --> 00:20:41,526 Nickel Canyon! 446 00:20:44,303 --> 00:20:45,636 What the... 447 00:20:46,694 --> 00:20:48,975 - Told you we were men of means. - Men of means! 448 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,366 Yeah! 449 00:20:50,391 --> 00:20:52,391 - That's what I'm talking about! - All right! 450 00:20:52,748 --> 00:20:54,522 Scoot over, scoot over, I can't fit. 451 00:20:54,686 --> 00:20:56,670 - Later, bro... - Tell 'em this story, Denny. 452 00:20:56,803 --> 00:20:58,381 Tell 'em all! 453 00:20:58,506 --> 00:21:02,597 You guys have a good time. All right. Uh... 454 00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:04,859 Oh, man, I'm a mess. 455 00:21:04,884 --> 00:21:09,470 God, it's a perfect fall New York day. I'm almost sorry we're leaving. 456 00:21:09,842 --> 00:21:11,753 What the hell is going on? 457 00:21:13,035 --> 00:21:14,730 Were you not gonna call me? 458 00:21:15,347 --> 00:21:16,814 How long you been here? 459 00:21:16,839 --> 00:21:18,893 - We literally just got here. - Well, we were gonna go... 460 00:21:18,917 --> 00:21:20,620 - I had a, uh... - If I wasn't... 461 00:21:20,645 --> 00:21:23,126 If I didn't just run into you, you guys would have just been... 462 00:21:25,668 --> 00:21:27,582 The only reason I'm not pissed... 463 00:21:27,607 --> 00:21:29,372 it's because I've been in L.A. like five times. 464 00:21:29,396 --> 00:21:31,863 So... we're good. 465 00:21:32,681 --> 00:21:34,148 I've got other friends 466 00:21:35,056 --> 00:21:39,063 Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb www.addic7ed.com