1
00:00:00,976 --> 00:00:02,617
Jess, are you okay?
2
00:00:02,641 --> 00:00:05,513
Honey, you just fled to
your dad's house in Portland.
3
00:00:05,538 --> 00:00:07,615
What I did was a very tasteful,
4
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:09,647
very understated skedaddle
5
00:00:09,672 --> 00:00:12,014
so I could get some much
needed space from Nick,
6
00:00:12,039 --> 00:00:13,413
and it worked. I'm fine.
7
00:00:13,438 --> 00:00:15,553
- So, you're coming back?
- I would, but...
8
00:00:15,578 --> 00:00:18,018
Ashley's out of town, and the man
doesn't do well without his wife.
9
00:00:18,066 --> 00:00:19,399
I can't in good conscience
10
00:00:19,424 --> 00:00:21,196
leave my elderly father here
11
00:00:21,221 --> 00:00:24,479
without someone to help him
steam-clean his bowling trophies.
12
00:00:24,504 --> 00:00:26,640
Hey, Jess. I think you should go home.
13
00:00:26,675 --> 00:00:29,197
Shut up, TV! That was the TV.
14
00:00:29,222 --> 00:00:31,129
- Hello?
- Go home? I just got here.
15
00:00:31,154 --> 00:00:32,355
And I-I love that.
16
00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:35,644
I love a surprise visit
for no reason at all.
17
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:36,801
We had fun,
18
00:00:36,826 --> 00:00:38,146
but don't you think it's now,
19
00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:39,994
it's time for you to, you know,
20
00:00:40,019 --> 00:00:42,277
get back to your life.
21
00:00:42,302 --> 00:00:44,063
Dad, you still need me.
22
00:00:44,088 --> 00:00:45,363
I mean...
23
00:00:46,191 --> 00:00:48,228
we really half-assed those trophies!
24
00:00:48,263 --> 00:00:49,598
What? Th-they look great.
25
00:00:49,623 --> 00:00:51,996
Look. Oh, this one.
This one is fantastic.
26
00:00:52,021 --> 00:00:54,734
See this one? This is the ball
that I won that trophy with.
27
00:00:54,770 --> 00:00:57,041
This ball right here. Helen, I call...
28
00:00:57,066 --> 00:00:58,672
Oh! Dad!
29
00:00:58,707 --> 00:01:00,230
I-I waxed the holes.
30
00:01:00,255 --> 00:01:01,762
You waxed the holes?!
31
00:01:01,787 --> 00:01:03,074
Was I-I not supposed to?
32
00:01:03,099 --> 00:01:05,651
Not wise! Not wise!
33
00:01:05,676 --> 00:01:07,432
It's okay.
34
00:01:07,457 --> 00:01:08,955
I'm right here,
35
00:01:08,980 --> 00:01:11,317
and I'm not going anywhere.
36
00:01:12,688 --> 00:01:16,457
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com
37
00:01:17,066 --> 00:01:18,887
Oh, I'm so nervous to meet your mom.
38
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,020
I'm bad with women and family.
39
00:01:21,045 --> 00:01:22,705
I wish she was a male stranger.
40
00:01:22,730 --> 00:01:23,996
You guys talking about Charmaine?
41
00:01:24,021 --> 00:01:26,772
- Yeah, my mom.
- Charmaine is a tough lady.
42
00:01:26,797 --> 00:01:28,124
My mom is just protective, okay?
43
00:01:28,149 --> 00:01:29,776
My dad walked out on
us when I was a baby.
44
00:01:29,801 --> 00:01:31,824
- I am her only son.
- Hey!
45
00:01:32,285 --> 00:01:33,596
What are you guys doing here?
46
00:01:33,621 --> 00:01:34,758
- Rude.
- What are we doing here?
47
00:01:34,783 --> 00:01:35,799
Yeah, what are you doing here?
48
00:01:35,824 --> 00:01:37,512
- Why are you here?
- What, just because we moved,
49
00:01:37,537 --> 00:01:39,011
we have to justify our presence here?
50
00:01:39,036 --> 00:01:40,136
Well, you don't live here, so...
51
00:01:40,161 --> 00:01:41,964
We're allowed to be here
for no reason at all.
52
00:01:41,989 --> 00:01:44,190
Oh, I get it. You're sad and lonely
53
00:01:44,215 --> 00:01:46,143
in your new house and you miss us.
54
00:01:46,168 --> 00:01:47,309
We do not need this.
55
00:01:47,334 --> 00:01:50,260
If anything, you-you people need us.
56
00:01:50,285 --> 00:01:52,959
We are married homeowners.
Benefit from our wisdom.
57
00:01:52,994 --> 00:01:54,794
Okay! I got to go.
58
00:01:54,830 --> 00:01:57,684
Aly and I have an
invited guest to plan for.
59
00:01:57,709 --> 00:01:59,136
- Oh.
- Good burn, Winston.
60
00:01:59,161 --> 00:02:00,473
- You're getting better at those.
- Thanks, man!
61
00:02:00,481 --> 00:02:02,198
Okay, I am off to my drug party.
62
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:05,315
Reagan's, uh, pharm rep crew
is in town for a convention.
63
00:02:05,340 --> 00:02:08,371
Have fun. If you get too
drunk to drive, call me,
64
00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:10,195
'cause I will be, too,
and we can be twins.
65
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:11,630
Wait, you're not going?
66
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:13,754
Don't you want to meet Reagan's friends?
67
00:02:13,779 --> 00:02:15,946
Mm, we never really talked about it.
68
00:02:15,978 --> 00:02:19,067
Seems like something that a married
homeowner should weigh in on.
69
00:02:19,092 --> 00:02:21,723
How could you not talk about
such a major relationship step?
70
00:02:21,748 --> 00:02:24,442
Ugh, because we're not all
couple-y like you guys are.
71
00:02:24,467 --> 00:02:26,067
We don't talk about every little tiny...
72
00:02:26,092 --> 00:02:27,098
We don't gab all day
73
00:02:27,123 --> 00:02:29,208
like a couple of Italian
grandmas hanging their laundry.
74
00:02:29,233 --> 00:02:32,527
Talking is the lifeblood
of a relationship.
75
00:02:32,552 --> 00:02:34,100
- Truth.
- The problem is,
76
00:02:34,125 --> 00:02:36,216
is neither one of you wants
to take the initiative.
77
00:02:36,241 --> 00:02:37,689
You're both communication bottoms.
78
00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:39,376
One of you needs to be the top.
79
00:02:39,401 --> 00:02:41,560
What does this have anything
to do with hamburger buns?
80
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:43,821
Look, we do things
in our own way, right?
81
00:02:43,846 --> 00:02:45,626
It's not like I don't
want Nick to come with me.
82
00:02:45,651 --> 00:02:47,243
And for the record, I would
love to meet your friends.
83
00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,134
- That would be great.
- So...
84
00:02:52,373 --> 00:02:53,572
All right, I'm going!
85
00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:55,313
Get off my back!
86
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,328
So what are you guys doing here?
87
00:02:58,353 --> 00:03:01,179
- Never. Never in my entire life.
- Okay.
88
00:03:01,204 --> 00:03:04,181
- Never. Never.
- My blood built this loft.
89
00:03:04,206 --> 00:03:06,729
Maybe as an icebreaker we
tell your mom about the time
90
00:03:06,754 --> 00:03:09,415
we actually arrested
Jay Leno for jaywalking.
91
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,574
One small thing... it's
a footnote, really...
92
00:03:12,798 --> 00:03:14,726
my mom don't know I'm a cop.
93
00:03:14,980 --> 00:03:16,329
What?
94
00:03:16,798 --> 00:03:20,099
- Winston, why?
- She's a-a protective single mom.
95
00:03:20,134 --> 00:03:21,938
She's always freaked
out at the tiniest thing.
96
00:03:21,963 --> 00:03:25,038
My baby! I turn my head for one second.
97
00:03:25,063 --> 00:03:27,275
Lord, where is my baby?!
98
00:03:27,300 --> 00:03:29,196
- Wh...
- I went to look at bikes.
99
00:03:29,221 --> 00:03:30,649
Oh!
100
00:03:30,674 --> 00:03:32,778
She still thinks I'm in sports radio.
101
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,847
I still record shows for her.
102
00:03:34,872 --> 00:03:36,566
You got to promise not to blow my cover.
103
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:39,447
- Wait, what are you doing?
- I have so much police stuff.
104
00:03:39,472 --> 00:03:41,744
Now, I realize you're
getting caught up in a lie
105
00:03:41,769 --> 00:03:43,433
against your will, but...
106
00:03:43,458 --> 00:03:45,258
my mom is coming to see you.
107
00:03:45,283 --> 00:03:47,191
Okay? It won't even come up.
108
00:03:47,816 --> 00:03:49,862
But if it does, you're my producer.
109
00:03:50,299 --> 00:03:52,416
- Bishop!
- I'm-a hide that.
110
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:54,086
I love him, I love him, I love him,
111
00:03:54,111 --> 00:03:55,244
I love him, I love him...
112
00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:56,853
Pretty slim pickings at the drugstore.
113
00:03:56,878 --> 00:03:58,871
All I got was, uh, Freckle Me Once:
114
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,924
The Unauthorized Lindsay Lohan Story.
115
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:02,220
Anyway, I got all your stuff...
116
00:04:02,245 --> 00:04:04,244
your bandages, your hydrogen
peroxide, your gummy peaches...
117
00:04:04,269 --> 00:04:06,439
You're making too big
a fuss out of this.
118
00:04:06,464 --> 00:04:08,413
I mean, I've had so much worse.
119
00:04:08,449 --> 00:04:09,767
This is just a bruised toe.
120
00:04:09,792 --> 00:04:11,260
It's your index toe.
121
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:13,330
Very serious. That's
the toe you point with.
122
00:04:13,355 --> 00:04:16,141
You've been great to me.
You've taken care of me.
123
00:04:16,166 --> 00:04:18,158
Now I'm gonna do something for you.
124
00:04:18,183 --> 00:04:20,459
I'm gonna get you a ticket.
125
00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:22,775
Oh, here it is. Portland to L.A.
126
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,964
Dad, I am not leaving you like this.
127
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,133
Recovery is the most
vulnerable part of the process,
128
00:04:28,169 --> 00:04:30,969
and this house is full of
stairs and sharp corners.
129
00:04:31,005 --> 00:04:32,610
And you know how
slippery your bathtub is.
130
00:04:32,635 --> 00:04:34,836
I won't stand up! I'll just roll out!
131
00:04:34,861 --> 00:04:38,907
Dad, I'm sorry, but I need to
show you a little tough love.
132
00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:40,610
Get in bed.
133
00:04:41,353 --> 00:04:42,555
Do it.
134
00:04:43,854 --> 00:04:46,846
"She was born on the
freakiest of Fridays..."
135
00:04:46,871 --> 00:04:49,018
Okay, we're in 42
markets, big show coming up
136
00:04:49,043 --> 00:04:51,277
- with Stephen A's brother Stephen... B.
- ... B.
137
00:04:51,326 --> 00:04:52,867
our lead-in is a cooking show
138
00:04:52,892 --> 00:04:55,018
- called The Ugly Dumpling...
- So funny.
139
00:04:55,043 --> 00:04:56,526
Hey, is all of this necessary?
140
00:04:56,551 --> 00:04:57,996
That's just in case it comes up.
141
00:04:58,032 --> 00:04:59,313
Which, like I said...
142
00:04:59,338 --> 00:05:00,384
it won't.
143
00:05:00,409 --> 00:05:02,290
Mm... I feel like it might.
144
00:05:02,315 --> 00:05:03,952
- Mother-in-law troubles, huh?
- What?
145
00:05:03,977 --> 00:05:06,227
- Second mom drahm?
- Hey, seriously why are you still here?
146
00:05:06,252 --> 00:05:08,373
That's your most pressing
question right now?
147
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:10,375
Not why did I sign up
for this ill-advised
148
00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:11,985
talk radio alternative reality?
149
00:05:12,010 --> 00:05:13,430
Guys, we're trying to prep, okay?
150
00:05:13,455 --> 00:05:14,713
So if you're gonna be in our home,
151
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,765
please, step back from the mic.
152
00:05:16,790 --> 00:05:19,384
That's radio lingo for when
someone's on the microphone
153
00:05:19,411 --> 00:05:20,544
and you don't want them to be;
154
00:05:20,569 --> 00:05:21,669
- you say, "Step away from..."
- I got it.
155
00:05:21,694 --> 00:05:22,778
Baby!
156
00:05:22,803 --> 00:05:24,690
You are a radio personality!
157
00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:26,856
You just can't leave
your front door open
158
00:05:26,881 --> 00:05:29,515
for any ol' Menendez
brothers to walk into.
159
00:05:29,540 --> 00:05:31,395
Ooh...!
160
00:05:36,123 --> 00:05:37,923
- This is Aly.
- Hey!
161
00:05:37,948 --> 00:05:40,882
Long time listener, first time visitor.
162
00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:42,815
Oh.
163
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:44,442
Radio. She referenced radio.
164
00:05:44,467 --> 00:05:47,411
Uh, yeah, Mom, you know, we talk
about work all day long, so...
165
00:05:47,436 --> 00:05:49,987
Well, it's not work
when it's with your girl.
166
00:05:50,012 --> 00:05:51,784
Now, Aly, tell me,
167
00:05:51,820 --> 00:05:54,239
do you two ever sing the call letters
168
00:05:54,264 --> 00:05:56,472
to each other to fall asleep?
169
00:05:56,497 --> 00:05:58,208
Mm, mm-hmm. Yep.
170
00:05:58,233 --> 00:06:01,159
♪ KQWP... ♪
171
00:06:01,575 --> 00:06:03,418
Oh, I thought you two moved.
172
00:06:10,774 --> 00:06:13,309
Whoa, drug companies
have a lot of money.
173
00:06:14,633 --> 00:06:15,874
_
174
00:06:15,899 --> 00:06:17,242
Well, this is great.
175
00:06:17,267 --> 00:06:19,567
I feel like you finally
brought me to your home planet.
176
00:06:19,602 --> 00:06:21,703
Yeah. I'm really glad you came.
177
00:06:21,738 --> 00:06:24,907
All right. So tell me about these
pharm reps I'm about to meet.
178
00:06:24,932 --> 00:06:27,208
I mean, I don't know what I
can really tell you about them.
179
00:06:27,243 --> 00:06:29,577
We sort of became friends
at these conventions,
180
00:06:29,612 --> 00:06:32,046
and we go from city to
city with each other.
181
00:06:32,071 --> 00:06:34,148
It's kind of like camp friends?
182
00:06:34,173 --> 00:06:37,600
Except everybody's, uh,
slept together a whole lot.
183
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:39,754
It's exactly like camp friends, I guess.
184
00:06:39,789 --> 00:06:41,600
All these people have
had sex with each other?
185
00:06:41,625 --> 00:06:43,770
- Mostly, yeah.
- Mostly. And with you?
186
00:06:43,805 --> 00:06:45,632
You had sex with the... yeah?
187
00:06:45,657 --> 00:06:47,124
- Why wouldn't you?
- Yeah.
188
00:06:47,149 --> 00:06:49,848
Oh, you guys are like groupies,
but for yourself. I dig it.
189
00:06:49,873 --> 00:06:52,567
Are we gonna have to, like,
talk this out right now? Or...
190
00:06:52,602 --> 00:06:54,402
- I'm good. Are you good?
- Yeah.
191
00:06:54,437 --> 00:06:55,819
- I'm cool.
- Okay.
192
00:06:55,844 --> 00:06:58,248
Ah, I'm not a talker.
Talking's not my thing.
193
00:06:58,273 --> 00:06:59,740
Great. This is why we work.
194
00:06:59,765 --> 00:07:01,098
'Cause we're not like Schmidt and Cece.
195
00:07:01,123 --> 00:07:03,192
We don't have to write
each other a love poem
196
00:07:03,217 --> 00:07:04,444
every time I go into the other room.
197
00:07:04,469 --> 00:07:06,419
- Oh, pass.
- Reags.
198
00:07:06,444 --> 00:07:08,053
- Hey.
- Hey.
199
00:07:08,078 --> 00:07:09,124
- How are you?
- Oh.
200
00:07:09,149 --> 00:07:10,562
Oh.
201
00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:12,420
Off the ground.
202
00:07:12,445 --> 00:07:13,757
- Jack.
- I'm Nick,
203
00:07:13,782 --> 00:07:15,890
and I-I might win a raffle tonight.
204
00:07:20,817 --> 00:07:23,398
So, Reagan, you gonna save
me a pas de deux tonight?
205
00:07:23,433 --> 00:07:24,528
Okay.
206
00:07:25,824 --> 00:07:27,101
What's going on? What
are you guys laughing at?
207
00:07:27,137 --> 00:07:28,309
I don't get the joke.
208
00:07:28,334 --> 00:07:29,439
Well, you do know that she was
209
00:07:29,464 --> 00:07:31,818
a professionally trained ballet dancer?
210
00:07:33,065 --> 00:07:35,444
You never told me you were a ballerina.
211
00:07:35,469 --> 00:07:37,873
I sort of shattered both
of my ankles in this thing
212
00:07:37,898 --> 00:07:39,098
I refer to as "The Crackening."
213
00:07:39,123 --> 00:07:40,998
Your ankles? Like, both your ankles?
214
00:07:41,023 --> 00:07:43,391
And both of my knees and
a little bit of my pelvis.
215
00:07:43,416 --> 00:07:44,794
What?
216
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,190
I could be the Queen of Egypt
217
00:07:47,215 --> 00:07:48,990
and your mom wouldn't know,
because all she wants to do
218
00:07:49,025 --> 00:07:51,292
is talk about the radio
show that doesn't exist.
219
00:07:51,327 --> 00:07:53,327
That's on me. Maybe I should have made
220
00:07:53,363 --> 00:07:55,234
my fake radio show less intriguing.
221
00:07:55,259 --> 00:07:57,994
It's 7:12 and you know what that means.
222
00:07:58,019 --> 00:07:59,634
Traffic on the 12 with Linda.
223
00:08:00,835 --> 00:08:03,314
It's just way too much
damn traffic out here.
224
00:08:03,353 --> 00:08:04,626
I can't get to work.
225
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:06,261
Linda.
226
00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:07,906
Your big ass on the bus, stop playing.
227
00:08:07,931 --> 00:08:09,795
Babe, how will I ever
break through to your mom
228
00:08:09,820 --> 00:08:11,679
if I keep lying to her? This is crazy.
229
00:08:11,714 --> 00:08:13,448
- That's on me, too.
- I know it's on you.
230
00:08:13,483 --> 00:08:14,949
You're the only person it could be on.
231
00:08:14,984 --> 00:08:16,748
- And that is my bad.
- I know it's your bad.
232
00:08:16,773 --> 00:08:18,815
Aly. You have seven identical
233
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,865
stripe long sleeve shirts?
234
00:08:20,890 --> 00:08:22,515
Yeah. I-I know it's strange.
235
00:08:22,547 --> 00:08:24,322
Um, it-it was a deal.
236
00:08:24,347 --> 00:08:25,700
- Buy five, get two free.
- Oh.
237
00:08:25,725 --> 00:08:27,141
- You still got the receipt?
- Of course I do.
238
00:08:27,166 --> 00:08:29,634
BB Taxx has the same items,
239
00:08:29,659 --> 00:08:31,114
four for $20.
240
00:08:31,637 --> 00:08:33,101
Wait. Are you a DDS?
241
00:08:33,136 --> 00:08:35,131
DDS since '73.
242
00:08:35,438 --> 00:08:36,883
What? Are you both secret dentists?
243
00:08:36,908 --> 00:08:39,376
Deep discount shoppers.
244
00:08:40,009 --> 00:08:42,076
- OG price, $350.98.
- Ooh.
245
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:43,391
- BB Taxx price,
- Uh-huh.
246
00:08:43,416 --> 00:08:45,394
- $72.99
- Ooh.
247
00:08:45,419 --> 00:08:47,748
- $72.99!
- Ooh.
248
00:08:48,249 --> 00:08:51,360
And someone didn't limit their
price match to California.
249
00:08:51,385 --> 00:08:53,277
Arkansas prices, y'all.
250
00:08:53,302 --> 00:08:54,918
What do you say we
get back in our cubbies
251
00:08:54,943 --> 00:08:57,496
- and keep this fashion show going.
- Okay.
252
00:08:58,394 --> 00:08:59,989
I don't know why I'm just
putting this together,
253
00:09:00,014 --> 00:09:02,061
but you two are very cheap.
254
00:09:02,745 --> 00:09:04,042
- You're about to feel...
- You dunno what you're talking about.
255
00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:05,621
- ... my cheap purse on your temple.
- You do not know.
256
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:06,701
Easy now.
257
00:09:06,726 --> 00:09:08,665
What do you think,
Nick? Should she take it?
258
00:09:08,738 --> 00:09:09,975
Take what?
259
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,310
I don't know what you're talking about.
260
00:09:11,335 --> 00:09:12,958
Reagan's big promotion.
261
00:09:13,370 --> 00:09:14,712
Her promotion?
262
00:09:14,737 --> 00:09:17,011
- Should she take it?
- I never...
263
00:09:17,183 --> 00:09:19,719
I didn't hear about it until right now.
264
00:09:19,744 --> 00:09:21,759
It's just VP of North American sales.
265
00:09:21,784 --> 00:09:23,618
- VP?
- It's not a big deal.
266
00:09:23,653 --> 00:09:25,766
It's just like a heartbeat
away from president
267
00:09:25,791 --> 00:09:27,221
of North American sales, so...
268
00:09:27,257 --> 00:09:29,389
- Seems like a pretty big deal.
- Reagan, it's huge.
269
00:09:29,414 --> 00:09:31,893
You get to travel all the
time. So many hotel points.
270
00:09:31,928 --> 00:09:34,033
Mo' points, mo' problems,
that's what I always say.
271
00:09:34,058 --> 00:09:35,429
It's exciting finding out this way.
272
00:09:35,465 --> 00:09:37,826
Most people would probably
tell their boyfriend
273
00:09:37,851 --> 00:09:40,117
when they first found out
about it, but that's cool.
274
00:09:40,142 --> 00:09:42,042
We don't talk, that's why
we work, and that's cool...
275
00:09:42,067 --> 00:09:44,790
and, uh, I'm really bothered by this.
276
00:09:46,047 --> 00:09:47,602
Nick.
277
00:10:01,147 --> 00:10:02,555
Hey, Jess, it's me again.
278
00:10:02,580 --> 00:10:04,526
Sorry to call you again. I just...
279
00:10:04,551 --> 00:10:07,435
I just really wish
you would call me back.
280
00:10:08,166 --> 00:10:10,308
I'm having a problem, and...
281
00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:11,906
I feel like you really like when I'm,
282
00:10:11,931 --> 00:10:13,117
you know, I'm having a problem.
283
00:10:13,142 --> 00:10:15,339
Not that you, not that you like it, but,
284
00:10:15,603 --> 00:10:17,675
but that-that you like,
you like talking about it.
285
00:10:17,710 --> 00:10:19,459
Anyway, I'm just coming apart here.
286
00:10:19,484 --> 00:10:22,680
I'm-I'm really a hundred
percent falling apart,
287
00:10:22,715 --> 00:10:24,871
and I really wish you
would call me back.
288
00:10:24,896 --> 00:10:26,270
All right.
289
00:10:27,790 --> 00:10:29,133
Hey, Schmidty, what's up?
290
00:10:29,158 --> 00:10:30,262
Just checking in.
291
00:10:30,287 --> 00:10:31,358
Okay.
292
00:10:31,383 --> 00:10:32,800
Oh, hold on, I got another call.
293
00:10:32,825 --> 00:10:34,417
All of a sudden my phone's blowing up.
294
00:10:34,442 --> 00:10:35,653
Hi. This is Nick Miller.
295
00:10:35,678 --> 00:10:37,449
Who am I speaking to
and why are you calling?
296
00:10:37,489 --> 00:10:39,222
- Do you not have my number saved?
- Who is this?
297
00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:40,646
- Who is this?
- Who am I speaking to?
298
00:10:40,671 --> 00:10:42,549
It's... it's Cece.
299
00:10:42,574 --> 00:10:43,912
Cece, why are you both calling me?
300
00:10:43,937 --> 00:10:46,000
How do you not have my
number saved? I work for you.
301
00:10:46,025 --> 00:10:47,925
Cece, I already got
Nick. Let me patch you in.
302
00:10:47,950 --> 00:10:49,928
How am I supposed to learn to do
a patch if you never let me try?
303
00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:52,301
Nick, as the only person
who takes our advice,
304
00:10:52,326 --> 00:10:53,991
- how you doing?
- Well, you were right.
305
00:10:54,016 --> 00:10:55,354
Reagan and I never talk.
306
00:10:55,379 --> 00:10:56,768
We helped you. Cece, we helped him.
307
00:10:56,793 --> 00:10:59,616
- I know, I heard.
- No. You messed everything up.
308
00:10:59,641 --> 00:11:01,385
You stupid idiots made me realize
309
00:11:01,421 --> 00:11:03,014
that I need more than that.
310
00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:05,251
Now I got to go back to
this party with her friends
311
00:11:05,276 --> 00:11:07,126
and pretend like it doesn't bother me.
312
00:11:07,151 --> 00:11:09,594
- Those look fantastic.
- Oh, honey, that sounds so rough.
313
00:11:09,629 --> 00:11:10,995
I said ho... one second, my man.
314
00:11:11,030 --> 00:11:13,934
In the middle of a conversation.
315
00:11:24,492 --> 00:11:26,811
Dad, I know you got out of bed.
316
00:11:26,836 --> 00:11:28,312
No, I-I didn't, I didn't.
317
00:11:28,348 --> 00:11:30,437
I-I-I've been, I've been sleeping.
318
00:11:31,402 --> 00:11:33,618
I found these little
crummies in the kitchen.
319
00:11:33,643 --> 00:11:35,830
You only gave me a salad and tea.
320
00:11:35,855 --> 00:11:37,603
I-I-I-I wanted some fish sticks.
321
00:11:37,628 --> 00:11:40,164
Fish sticks are mostly
pork and you know it.
322
00:11:40,189 --> 00:11:42,866
Now, I'm gonna trim your nails.
323
00:11:43,356 --> 00:11:45,032
Oh, no. Wait, wait, wait.
324
00:11:45,057 --> 00:11:46,083
Uh, uh, uh,
325
00:11:46,108 --> 00:11:47,164
it's-it's a little too short.
326
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:48,654
It's too... ow, ow!
327
00:11:50,393 --> 00:11:52,478
I have a good thing going
with your mom right now,
328
00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:53,604
and I don't want to ruin that.
329
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,735
- We should just tell her the truth.
- Hey-o!
330
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:56,928
Problem alert.
331
00:11:56,953 --> 00:11:58,831
Well, if you need help,
you've come to the right place.
332
00:11:58,856 --> 00:12:01,390
Share, share. Please. Tell us
what seems to be the problem.
333
00:12:01,415 --> 00:12:02,881
Here's what you're
doing, and it's not okay.
334
00:12:02,906 --> 00:12:04,859
You're inserting yourself
into a family matter.
335
00:12:04,884 --> 00:12:06,140
We can handle this on our own.
336
00:12:06,166 --> 00:12:07,792
- We're here if you need us.
- Yeah, watch your front,
337
00:12:07,817 --> 00:12:09,116
- 'cause we've got your back.
- We got your back.
338
00:12:09,141 --> 00:12:11,276
I just want you to know
that I respect that.
339
00:12:11,301 --> 00:12:13,595
I'm perceiving that. Um...
340
00:12:13,623 --> 00:12:15,459
I'm digesting that.
341
00:12:15,612 --> 00:12:17,328
It's in the machine.
342
00:12:17,363 --> 00:12:19,497
It's working its way down.
343
00:12:20,122 --> 00:12:21,798
And okay. I think you're right.
344
00:12:21,823 --> 00:12:23,334
I think it'll be really good
345
00:12:23,379 --> 00:12:24,646
for you to be honest with your mom.
346
00:12:24,671 --> 00:12:26,273
No. See, um,
347
00:12:26,298 --> 00:12:27,490
you're gonna come clean.
348
00:12:27,515 --> 00:12:28,539
I'm gonna stay dirty.
349
00:12:28,574 --> 00:12:29,682
- Why?
- Aly,
350
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:31,663
I found a roly-poly in these pants,
351
00:12:31,688 --> 00:12:33,602
they gave me 89% off.
352
00:12:33,627 --> 00:12:35,015
Oh.
353
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:36,933
That's sweet. Um...
354
00:12:37,416 --> 00:12:39,672
Charmaine, I have to tell you something.
355
00:12:40,153 --> 00:12:43,089
I don't work in radio.
356
00:12:43,114 --> 00:12:44,268
I don't.
357
00:12:44,293 --> 00:12:46,739
I'm actually a cop.
358
00:12:48,657 --> 00:12:50,594
What?
359
00:12:50,630 --> 00:12:52,755
Man, you wearing a wire?
360
00:12:53,232 --> 00:12:54,620
Okay.
361
00:12:55,728 --> 00:12:56,929
Sorry.
362
00:12:57,812 --> 00:13:00,413
Well, I appreciate you
telling me the truth.
363
00:13:01,325 --> 00:13:03,285
The job is dangerous.
364
00:13:04,607 --> 00:13:07,206
But I do salute your courage.
365
00:13:12,847 --> 00:13:15,081
Okay. Um...
366
00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:18,254
you can salute me, too.
367
00:13:18,279 --> 00:13:19,718
'Cause, uh,
368
00:13:19,743 --> 00:13:21,610
- I'm also a cop.
- What?!
369
00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:23,571
Uh, uh, uh, I'm-I'm
not a super successful
370
00:13:23,596 --> 00:13:24,762
morning radio shock jock.
371
00:13:24,787 --> 00:13:27,202
- There's no radio show?
- No. I'm a...
372
00:13:27,227 --> 00:13:29,166
- I'm an officer of the law.
- What?!
373
00:13:29,191 --> 00:13:31,573
That's not how you reacted
when Aly said she was a cop.
374
00:13:31,598 --> 00:13:34,566
Being a parent is like wearing
your heart outside your body,
375
00:13:34,591 --> 00:13:37,689
and now you're telling me that my heart
376
00:13:37,714 --> 00:13:40,064
is on these streets by himself?
377
00:13:40,089 --> 00:13:42,380
Sampling drugs with a knife
378
00:13:42,405 --> 00:13:44,237
to see if it's really cocaine?
379
00:13:44,262 --> 00:13:45,449
My heart...
380
00:13:45,485 --> 00:13:48,516
knows what cocaine tastes like?
381
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:53,224
Oh, man.
382
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:55,349
- That's on you, man.
- Please shut up.
383
00:13:55,374 --> 00:13:56,900
It isn't a dream job.
384
00:13:56,925 --> 00:13:58,718
Sure, it comes with a great salary
385
00:13:58,743 --> 00:14:00,778
and a vaccination for
the coming elk flu,
386
00:14:00,803 --> 00:14:03,182
the flu that you're gonna be
hearing about for the next decade.
387
00:14:03,207 --> 00:14:05,196
But it also requires too much travel,
388
00:14:05,221 --> 00:14:06,237
and I'm gonna turn it down.
389
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,587
- Are you happy now?
- No. I'm not happy.
390
00:14:08,612 --> 00:14:11,142
'Cause this is the kind of
talk I wish we had before.
391
00:14:11,177 --> 00:14:12,608
These are the important talks.
392
00:14:12,633 --> 00:14:13,999
This is so unlike you.
393
00:14:14,024 --> 00:14:15,796
Why are you being the
girl in this argument?
394
00:14:15,821 --> 00:14:18,659
I don't know, Reagan. I don't know.
395
00:14:18,684 --> 00:14:20,751
But I do know you're
being heteronormative.
396
00:14:20,787 --> 00:14:22,521
Okay? I know that word...
it's in the Zeitgeist,
397
00:14:22,546 --> 00:14:23,739
and I know that word, too.
398
00:14:23,765 --> 00:14:25,469
I don't know why I'm acting this way.
399
00:14:25,494 --> 00:14:26,960
If you're out there, Nick Miller,
400
00:14:26,985 --> 00:14:29,103
you're our raffle winner!
401
00:14:29,128 --> 00:14:31,222
Well, I can't say I'm surprised.
402
00:14:31,627 --> 00:14:34,465
I did spend $190 on tickets.
403
00:14:35,977 --> 00:14:37,276
$200.
404
00:14:38,171 --> 00:14:40,334
I spent $250 on tickets.
405
00:14:40,359 --> 00:14:41,385
That's it.
406
00:14:42,041 --> 00:14:43,829
I spent over $300 on tickets.
407
00:14:46,926 --> 00:14:49,635
"Deciding which house to
go to for Thanksgiving,
408
00:14:49,660 --> 00:14:51,922
"she was stuck in a real parent trap."
409
00:14:51,947 --> 00:14:54,493
- Enough. Enough. Enough.
- Oh, you're right.
410
00:14:54,524 --> 00:14:55,904
- This chapter's dragging.
- Jess, please.
411
00:14:55,933 --> 00:14:58,335
- Let me move on.
- I-I need my freedom.
412
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:00,864
I need my judge shows, my fish sticks.
413
00:15:00,889 --> 00:15:02,304
My-my naked time.
414
00:15:02,340 --> 00:15:05,423
- Oh, please don't expand on that.
- No, it's a good thing.
415
00:15:05,448 --> 00:15:08,098
Ashley showed me how to embrace my body.
416
00:15:08,123 --> 00:15:09,852
And I... every day, for
about a half an hour,
417
00:15:09,877 --> 00:15:11,580
I walk around here naked.
418
00:15:11,616 --> 00:15:13,953
- Fabulous.
- Did you sit on this chair?
419
00:15:13,978 --> 00:15:17,806
Jess... now I'm gonna
show you some tough love.
420
00:15:18,232 --> 00:15:20,523
I want you to go back to California.
421
00:15:22,009 --> 00:15:23,928
Wh-what's going on?
422
00:15:25,577 --> 00:15:27,630
It's Nick. I...
423
00:15:28,049 --> 00:15:29,654
- What?
- I'm-I'm in love with him,
424
00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:31,195
and I can't...
425
00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:35,900
I can't do anything about it.
426
00:15:35,925 --> 00:15:36,970
I'm sorry.
427
00:15:36,995 --> 00:15:38,645
He's really happy with someone else.
428
00:15:38,670 --> 00:15:40,789
- I couldn't go back there.
- Hey, hey, hey.
429
00:15:40,882 --> 00:15:42,942
It's okay. You don't have to.
430
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,124
You can stay here as long as you want.
431
00:15:46,599 --> 00:15:49,710
You've been taking care of me,
now I'm gonna take care of you.
432
00:15:49,853 --> 00:15:52,058
You know what, I'm gonna read you
433
00:15:52,083 --> 00:15:53,756
one of my favorite books. See?
434
00:15:53,791 --> 00:15:55,251
- Oh...
- Before the Web:
435
00:15:55,276 --> 00:15:57,502
The Story of Telephone Operators.
436
00:15:58,830 --> 00:16:01,898
"She sat by the switchboard,
437
00:16:02,267 --> 00:16:04,299
"anxiously awaiting...
438
00:16:04,419 --> 00:16:06,223
"the phone call.
439
00:16:06,421 --> 00:16:09,089
"Ring. Ring.
440
00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:14,004
"Ring."
441
00:16:14,029 --> 00:16:16,638
I don't even understand
what we're arguing about.
442
00:16:16,673 --> 00:16:18,769
I'm mad about the promotion.
443
00:16:18,794 --> 00:16:20,353
And that you have been sitting on it
444
00:16:20,378 --> 00:16:22,384
for a month and not telling me.
445
00:16:22,420 --> 00:16:24,086
I thought that you liked
that we have our own thing.
446
00:16:24,121 --> 00:16:25,721
- I don't know, maybe I...
- That we were two...
447
00:16:25,749 --> 00:16:27,604
independent, different
people and we live our lives
448
00:16:27,629 --> 00:16:29,058
and then we come
together and we hang out.
449
00:16:29,093 --> 00:16:30,897
I just want more, I guess.
450
00:16:30,922 --> 00:16:32,328
I want to talk about stuff,
451
00:16:32,363 --> 00:16:33,866
and I know while I'm saying this
452
00:16:33,891 --> 00:16:36,039
I hate that I'm saying
it, but I feel it.
453
00:16:36,064 --> 00:16:37,601
Nick, we're talking
about stuff right now.
454
00:16:37,635 --> 00:16:39,458
No, we're not talking
about all the stuff.
455
00:16:39,483 --> 00:16:41,628
- We're talking about some of the stuff.
- How much stuff is there?
456
00:16:41,653 --> 00:16:43,023
There's piles of stuff.
457
00:16:43,048 --> 00:16:45,197
There's piles upon piles of stuff.
458
00:16:45,222 --> 00:16:46,908
Like, I want to talk
about... I want to talk about
459
00:16:46,933 --> 00:16:48,315
why we don't have
nicknames for each other?
460
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,627
I mean, why don't we call
each other Mr. Cub and Sparky?
461
00:16:50,652 --> 00:16:52,309
Who's Mr. Cub? You're Mr. Cub?
462
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:53,361
You think I would be Sparky?
463
00:16:53,386 --> 00:16:55,019
If we had nicknames
it would not be those.
464
00:16:55,044 --> 00:16:57,042
You just call me Nick, is my point.
465
00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:59,000
- That's your name.
- I know, but I would like
466
00:16:59,025 --> 00:17:00,627
to talk about nicknames.
467
00:17:00,652 --> 00:17:01,683
It doesn't matter.
468
00:17:01,708 --> 00:17:04,198
All this matters. This is the stuff.
469
00:17:04,223 --> 00:17:06,173
I want to talk about why
you have a second apartment.
470
00:17:06,202 --> 00:17:08,127
- We talked about that.
- And it was weird then.
471
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,633
We barely talked about it.
472
00:17:09,658 --> 00:17:10,795
I also want to talk about the fact
473
00:17:10,833 --> 00:17:12,773
I've never been at my
best sexually with you.
474
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:13,997
I've been, like, a seven,
475
00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:15,293
but, at other times in my life,
476
00:17:15,318 --> 00:17:16,566
I've been an eight-and-a-half.
477
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:18,503
- Okay.
- But you've only seen a seven.
478
00:17:18,528 --> 00:17:20,712
So you think of me as a seven in bed.
479
00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:23,787
- But I'm an eight-and-a-half.
- I'm really tired.
480
00:17:23,812 --> 00:17:25,257
Can you just write it all down
481
00:17:25,282 --> 00:17:26,785
and I'll fill it out and
I'll get it back to you.
482
00:17:26,810 --> 00:17:28,812
All right, then just answer me
this, and then we'll be done.
483
00:17:28,847 --> 00:17:30,406
'Cause this is important.
484
00:17:30,605 --> 00:17:31,926
If we weren't together
485
00:17:31,951 --> 00:17:34,752
and you were offered
this same promotion,
486
00:17:35,243 --> 00:17:36,763
would you take it?
487
00:17:41,390 --> 00:17:43,964
Yes, I would take it.
488
00:17:46,831 --> 00:17:48,836
Then you should take the job, Reagan.
489
00:17:50,168 --> 00:17:51,734
Okay, I'll take it.
490
00:17:54,485 --> 00:17:55,952
Are we cool?
491
00:17:57,481 --> 00:17:58,747
Yeah.
492
00:17:58,772 --> 00:18:00,343
Dream job.
493
00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:02,927
Good, I'm so happy for
you. This is awesome.
494
00:18:04,012 --> 00:18:05,679
Uh, okay.
495
00:18:05,704 --> 00:18:07,150
But before we go to bed tonight,
496
00:18:07,185 --> 00:18:09,390
can you please just do something
about your raffle prize?
497
00:18:09,415 --> 00:18:11,471
- His name's Stewart.
- Why did you bring it home?
498
00:18:11,496 --> 00:18:13,658
I don't know, I won.
499
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:17,629
Hey, thought I might find you here.
500
00:18:17,654 --> 00:18:18,723
Oh.
501
00:18:18,748 --> 00:18:20,576
Hiding your maybes?
502
00:18:20,601 --> 00:18:24,009
Sometimes I hide mine in a garbage can.
503
00:18:24,034 --> 00:18:25,605
A new one.
504
00:18:25,825 --> 00:18:27,937
Don't try to talk me out
of worrying about my son.
505
00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:29,305
I won't.
506
00:18:29,330 --> 00:18:32,409
I just want you to
know you're not alone.
507
00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:34,358
I'm out there worrying about him, too,
508
00:18:34,397 --> 00:18:37,280
but we have got each other's backs.
509
00:18:39,775 --> 00:18:42,807
How's that dress gonna fit
you when you ain't got no legs?
510
00:18:44,781 --> 00:18:47,352
Oh. I need to tell you something.
511
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:49,163
No, no, just...
512
00:18:49,565 --> 00:18:51,152
let me go first.
513
00:18:51,570 --> 00:18:54,212
This job has given me so much.
514
00:18:54,237 --> 00:18:57,277
Purpose, pride, my future wife,
515
00:18:57,602 --> 00:19:00,203
CPR certification...
against my will, I might add,
516
00:19:00,238 --> 00:19:02,710
because I truly believe
that it is witchcraft,
517
00:19:02,735 --> 00:19:04,074
but that's not the point.
518
00:19:04,109 --> 00:19:06,443
I have tried so many things.
519
00:19:06,773 --> 00:19:08,445
But being a cop is the first time
520
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,281
I've ever felt a calling.
521
00:19:11,836 --> 00:19:13,336
I'm proud of you.
522
00:19:15,081 --> 00:19:18,054
Yeah. I-I will deal with my fears.
523
00:19:18,260 --> 00:19:20,927
Um... but there's one more thing.
524
00:19:28,884 --> 00:19:30,484
Oh, my God.
525
00:19:31,202 --> 00:19:34,763
Mom, you've been a cop this whole time?
526
00:19:34,788 --> 00:19:36,152
No.
527
00:19:36,177 --> 00:19:38,173
- You're not a cop.
- It was your dad's.
528
00:19:38,198 --> 00:19:39,342
He's a cop.
529
00:19:39,378 --> 00:19:41,195
Wherever the hell he is.
530
00:19:41,546 --> 00:19:43,439
Wow. Um...
531
00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:47,352
You know, that's the first
thing you ever told me about him.
532
00:19:48,254 --> 00:19:49,886
So you know I got a lot of practice
533
00:19:49,921 --> 00:19:51,921
worrying about someone coming home.
534
00:19:51,957 --> 00:19:54,958
Maybe that's the reason I'm
so overprotective with you.
535
00:19:55,115 --> 00:19:57,942
He left this behind, among other things.
536
00:19:58,163 --> 00:20:00,154
I just use it to get out of tickets.
537
00:20:00,179 --> 00:20:03,343
And one time I did use
it for a discount on a...
538
00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,243
- a rental car.
- Oh.
539
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:07,651
- Take it.
- No, I don't want it.
540
00:20:08,073 --> 00:20:09,547
You're my dad.
541
00:20:09,581 --> 00:20:11,314
You're my mom and my dad.
542
00:20:11,339 --> 00:20:12,637
I know that.
543
00:20:12,662 --> 00:20:15,845
And I'm not saying he's
not a piece of crap, either.
544
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:17,580
But you should have this.
545
00:20:27,225 --> 00:20:28,625
We can talk about this later,
546
00:20:28,650 --> 00:20:32,131
but what was the rental
car company you used?
547
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:39,169
Well, I don't think me
and Reagan are working out.
548
00:20:39,204 --> 00:20:42,071
Really? Oh, bub, I'm so sorry.
549
00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:44,518
Come lay your head on
my bosom. Come here.
550
00:20:44,543 --> 00:20:47,188
No, I'll do hers if I was
gonna do either, but...
551
00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:49,813
well, I'm really glad you guys are here.
552
00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:53,917
Tell us everything.
553
00:20:53,952 --> 00:20:55,953
- But first, say that one more time.
- Oh, you really want me to?
554
00:20:55,978 --> 00:20:57,026
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
555
00:20:57,051 --> 00:20:58,091
Oh. Uh, I'm really glad you're here.
556
00:20:58,116 --> 00:20:59,774
We're really glad that we're here, too.
557
00:20:59,799 --> 00:21:01,165
Very happy about it.
558
00:21:01,190 --> 00:21:02,516
- All right.
- One more time.
559
00:21:02,541 --> 00:21:04,260
The part about you being
glad that we're here.
560
00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:06,029
- Making me regret it.
- One more time.
561
00:21:06,064 --> 00:21:08,361
I feel like we talked about
everything. I'm gonna grab a beer.
562
00:21:08,386 --> 00:21:09,923
I like American football a lot.
563
00:21:09,948 --> 00:21:12,349
And you know who I like,
I like that Tom Brady.
564
00:21:12,374 --> 00:21:14,533
Uh, I like the way he looks,
I like the way he smells.
565
00:21:14,558 --> 00:21:16,361
Nick, shut up, man!
566
00:21:16,386 --> 00:21:17,918
I'm at... I'm at work.
567
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:19,264
Mi-mi-mi, mi-mi-mi.
568
00:21:19,289 --> 00:21:20,994
Chacho. Chacho.
569
00:21:21,019 --> 00:21:22,837
This is traffic on the 12. Linda?
570
00:21:22,862 --> 00:21:25,525
Move! Get your ass out the way!
571
00:21:25,584 --> 00:21:27,524
I'm trying to get to work on time.
572
00:21:27,549 --> 00:21:28,593
Linda, you okay?
573
00:21:28,618 --> 00:21:29,630
I'm fine.
574
00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:31,387
It's the reason why
I'm late. I'm in traffic
575
00:21:31,423 --> 00:21:32,956
behind a damn Camry.
576
00:21:32,991 --> 00:21:34,719
If he don't move his ass out the way...
577
00:21:34,744 --> 00:21:36,125
Linda, all right, that's enough of you.
578
00:21:37,137 --> 00:21:38,837
PG-13.
579
00:21:38,862 --> 00:21:42,843
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com