1
00:00:08,573 --> 00:00:09,799
I have to go.
2
00:00:09,869 --> 00:00:12,822
For once in your life, don't be afraid.
3
00:00:14,953 --> 00:00:18,023
Can anyone help me get in the building?
4
00:00:18,056 --> 00:00:19,758
Jess!
5
00:00:21,927 --> 00:00:24,896
Come on. Come on, come on.
6
00:00:24,930 --> 00:00:26,299
Jess, where'd you go?
7
00:00:26,332 --> 00:00:27,904
- Stay right there!
- Stay right there!
8
00:00:29,371 --> 00:00:31,039
- Hey, Miller.
- Hey.
9
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,550
_
10
00:00:42,575 --> 00:00:43,963
Ti amo, Jessica.
11
00:00:43,994 --> 00:00:45,086
I love you, too, Ghee.
12
00:00:51,226 --> 00:00:52,928
Hey. Bathroom buds.
13
00:00:52,961 --> 00:00:54,474
Get lost?
14
00:00:59,034 --> 00:01:02,204
Look at those horny, horny hippos.
15
00:01:02,236 --> 00:01:04,806
I'm gay for you like that.
16
00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:07,167
Hey, man. Hell of a book tour.
17
00:01:07,196 --> 00:01:09,644
I mean, Pepperwood's European
sales are already spiking.
18
00:01:09,678 --> 00:01:11,539
- Hey, have a good weekend.
- See you tomorrow.
19
00:01:14,415 --> 00:01:16,516
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
20
00:01:16,571 --> 00:01:19,541
And that's why we're capping off
six months of European romance
21
00:01:19,574 --> 00:01:22,277
with the most romantic
destination of all.
22
00:01:22,310 --> 00:01:24,684
A three-year-old's birthday party.
23
00:01:24,709 --> 00:01:27,334
Wait till everyone sees
what Mama's got on her finger.
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00:01:27,359 --> 00:01:29,609
- I still can't believe it.
- Me, neither.
25
00:01:29,671 --> 00:01:32,053
"My name is Ruth Bader Parikh-Schmidt,
26
00:01:32,086 --> 00:01:33,389
and I am three today."
27
00:01:33,422 --> 00:01:34,523
Can you say that?
28
00:01:34,556 --> 00:01:36,524
Daddy's butt!
29
00:01:36,557 --> 00:01:39,076
Close enough. Okay,
but where is Daddy's butt?
30
00:01:39,101 --> 00:01:40,428
I got to get to the office.
31
00:01:40,461 --> 00:01:43,726
Daddy's butt has been bleaching
all outdoor playing surfaces.
32
00:01:46,167 --> 00:01:48,051
You could prepare a chicken
on that slide.
33
00:01:48,083 --> 00:01:50,306
Oh, great. Well, I got to go
help one of my models.
34
00:01:50,339 --> 00:01:51,574
Ooh, don't forget the cooler.
35
00:01:51,607 --> 00:01:53,542
I won't forget the cooler.
36
00:01:53,574 --> 00:01:55,143
Mommy is so good at her job,
37
00:01:55,176 --> 00:01:57,246
that she has to work on Saturdays.
38
00:01:57,279 --> 00:01:59,014
Now Daddy is gonna do his job,
39
00:01:59,047 --> 00:02:01,870
because these braids
are straight-up dock ropes.
40
00:02:01,895 --> 00:02:04,619
- Daddy, do the special braids.
- I-I know.
41
00:02:04,652 --> 00:02:06,288
They're all... honey,
they're all special.
42
00:02:06,321 --> 00:02:08,457
Ooh. I need a break.
43
00:02:08,490 --> 00:02:12,027
Ah! I cannot believe I let you
talk me into this again.
44
00:02:12,059 --> 00:02:13,295
But we got to finish, 'cause Schmidt
45
00:02:13,327 --> 00:02:14,896
is gonna wonder where I am.
46
00:02:14,929 --> 00:02:16,198
Winston!
47
00:02:16,230 --> 00:02:18,234
You rotated the mattress without me?
48
00:02:18,266 --> 00:02:20,435
Again? That is my job.
49
00:02:20,460 --> 00:02:22,891
Uh, baby? Listen, you really
shouldn't be carrying that.
50
00:02:22,938 --> 00:02:24,758
He's right. You should listen
to your husband. I'll... oh.
51
00:02:24,797 --> 00:02:25,982
Don't eve... Just don't.
52
00:02:26,055 --> 00:02:27,268
I am seven months pregnant,
53
00:02:27,293 --> 00:02:29,402
and I will rotate
as many mattresses as I want.
54
00:02:29,442 --> 00:02:31,010
Aly would prefer
that the world treat her
55
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like she isn't pregnant.
56
00:02:32,979 --> 00:02:34,414
Oh, which reminds me.
57
00:02:34,446 --> 00:02:36,148
BellyShots e-mailed me.
58
00:02:36,182 --> 00:02:38,151
- Mm-mm.
- Our pregnancy glamour photos are ready,
59
00:02:38,183 --> 00:02:40,419
and we got to pick one.
60
00:02:42,654 --> 00:02:44,424
So I'm mad at that.
61
00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,013
I mean, how'd they...
62
00:02:46,107 --> 00:02:47,559
how'd they get my e-mail?
63
00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:52,716
- Hey!
- Wait! Before hugs,
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00:02:52,755 --> 00:02:54,433
we have something we want you to see.
65
00:02:54,467 --> 00:02:56,035
- Uh-huh?
- It's a big deal.
66
00:02:56,068 --> 00:02:58,338
We got in a Vespa accident!
67
00:02:58,371 --> 00:02:59,571
Oh...
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00:02:59,605 --> 00:03:01,274
Look how much of my shin is missing!
69
00:03:01,307 --> 00:03:03,042
It's disgusting.
70
00:03:03,075 --> 00:03:04,544
Where'd your shin go, man?
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00:03:04,576 --> 00:03:07,844
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
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00:03:14,353 --> 00:03:16,588
Feminist icons...
very sophisticated theme.
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00:03:16,622 --> 00:03:18,892
At my third birthday party,
the theme was hamburgers.
74
00:03:18,925 --> 00:03:21,194
Well, Ruth asked for
Wonder Woman, so I ran with it,
75
00:03:21,226 --> 00:03:23,362
because this party
has got to be perfect.
76
00:03:23,396 --> 00:03:24,964
You remember her first birthday.
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00:03:31,103 --> 00:03:33,168
Which led to a downtick in attendance
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00:03:33,208 --> 00:03:34,506
at her second birthday.
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00:03:34,539 --> 00:03:36,408
His greatest trick
80
00:03:36,778 --> 00:03:39,590
was making us remember.
81
00:03:39,712 --> 00:03:40,980
So this year,
I invited every three-year-old
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00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:42,392
in a ten-mile radius.
83
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:44,484
And now you can relax and enjoy
your daughter's birthday party?
84
00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:46,485
Yeah. Uh, sure.
85
00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,454
"Relax and enjoy."
86
00:03:48,486 --> 00:03:50,222
- You keep me young, Cece.
- Mm.
87
00:03:50,255 --> 00:03:53,158
Thanks. Ten years in marketing,
three years in fatherhood
88
00:03:53,183 --> 00:03:54,898
and six months of planning
this party, I feel like
89
00:03:54,923 --> 00:03:57,230
my entire life has been leading
up to this very moment.
90
00:03:57,262 --> 00:03:59,231
- I'm gonna go set up the booze.
- Oh, no, no, no.
91
00:03:59,265 --> 00:04:00,466
Booze is a last resort.
92
00:04:00,498 --> 00:04:01,668
It is shocking how much
93
00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:03,169
parents drink at these things.
94
00:04:03,194 --> 00:04:05,271
Last week, I saw a drunk mommy take a...
95
00:04:05,303 --> 00:04:07,306
take a boom boom in the bounce house.
96
00:04:07,339 --> 00:04:09,342
- It was horrifying.
- Ugh.
97
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:11,711
If you'll excuse me,
I see a little boy over there
98
00:04:11,743 --> 00:04:13,979
who doesn't understand
the meaning of "upscale casual."
99
00:04:14,012 --> 00:04:15,931
Okay.
100
00:04:16,017 --> 00:04:17,516
He made that Pocahummus from scratch?
101
00:04:17,550 --> 00:04:19,419
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, he's never going back to work.
102
00:04:19,452 --> 00:04:20,687
- Can I tell you something?
- Mm.
103
00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:22,121
I really thought
you were gonna come back
104
00:04:22,154 --> 00:04:23,423
- from Europe engaged.
- Yeah.
105
00:04:23,455 --> 00:04:24,991
It would've been nice if he'd proposed,
106
00:04:25,024 --> 00:04:25,925
but you know what happens
107
00:04:25,959 --> 00:04:27,341
when we start
talking about the future...
108
00:04:27,366 --> 00:04:28,661
we start freaking out.
109
00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:30,163
If the bird's stomach's full of bread,
110
00:04:30,195 --> 00:04:31,372
don't give him cheese crackers.
111
00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,384
Can't not say it: love the nose ring.
112
00:04:33,415 --> 00:04:34,345
Yeah, it was a big mistake.
113
00:04:34,369 --> 00:04:36,023
- Huge.
- But not as huge as the neck tattoo.
114
00:04:36,048 --> 00:04:37,320
- The what now?
- Yeah, neck tattoo.
115
00:04:37,352 --> 00:04:38,321
I've been telling people
116
00:04:38,354 --> 00:04:40,990
it stands for
"Justice Shall Eventually..."
117
00:04:41,023 --> 00:04:42,525
son of a bitch!
118
00:04:42,558 --> 00:04:43,546
Is that who I think it is?
119
00:04:43,571 --> 00:04:45,094
You invited Russell?
120
00:04:45,126 --> 00:04:46,395
- My Russell?
- Mm-hmm.
121
00:04:46,429 --> 00:04:47,964
My former Russell, my Fancyman?
122
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,198
Yeah, his son's
in Ruth's tumbling class.
123
00:04:49,231 --> 00:04:50,500
Russell has a three-year-old?
124
00:04:50,532 --> 00:04:52,069
That polecat doesn't stop.
125
00:04:52,108 --> 00:04:53,109
How many kids is that?
126
00:04:53,135 --> 00:04:55,104
50. From a hundred different women.
127
00:04:55,136 --> 00:04:57,039
- Figure that one out.
- Russell.
128
00:04:58,611 --> 00:05:01,095
Hey, Jess. You look great.
129
00:05:03,650 --> 00:05:05,953
Babe, there is a helium tank.
130
00:05:06,009 --> 00:05:07,751
Why are you doing balloons by mouth?
131
00:05:07,814 --> 00:05:09,244
Eh, I should've said that differently.
132
00:05:09,285 --> 00:05:12,054
Because I can.
133
00:05:12,087 --> 00:05:14,580
Listen, Snail Eyes,
I love that I'm bringing a child
134
00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:16,785
- into this world with you.
- That is the sweetest thing...
135
00:05:16,810 --> 00:05:19,568
That is the only thing I love
about being pregnant.
136
00:05:19,593 --> 00:05:21,396
Everything else, I hate.
137
00:05:21,429 --> 00:05:23,031
My butt is sore, my back is sore.
138
00:05:23,064 --> 00:05:25,133
I spend most of my day holding in farts.
139
00:05:25,167 --> 00:05:26,436
So you're gonna have to pick
a pregnancy photo
140
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:27,874
all by yourself, Winston.
141
00:05:27,929 --> 00:05:30,138
I would rather look
at Nick's shin X-rays again.
142
00:05:30,172 --> 00:05:31,987
I'll go to the car and get them.
143
00:05:32,033 --> 00:05:34,034
Oh, hey, Nick. Listen, um...
144
00:05:34,075 --> 00:05:36,145
I need your help picking
a pregnancy photo.
145
00:05:36,177 --> 00:05:37,679
They're all so beautiful.
146
00:05:37,706 --> 00:05:39,582
- I can't decide.
- You came to the right man.
147
00:05:43,031 --> 00:05:45,354
Look... skip through those.
148
00:05:45,656 --> 00:05:47,138
Well, there's your winner, right there.
149
00:05:47,163 --> 00:05:48,263
It's pretty obvious.
150
00:05:48,288 --> 00:05:49,691
But I will, okay?
151
00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:52,261
Very disappointing that
you didn't bring a real monkey.
152
00:05:52,294 --> 00:05:55,231
What the hell is that?
You let him grow a mustache?
153
00:05:55,263 --> 00:05:58,533
- Relax. It's just a mustache.
- That's not just a mustache.
154
00:05:58,566 --> 00:06:01,212
That's a porn star relief pitcher.
155
00:06:01,252 --> 00:06:02,282
I gotta say something.
156
00:06:02,306 --> 00:06:03,437
- I got to say something.
- Hey, Nick.
157
00:06:03,438 --> 00:06:04,640
Hey. You're gonna tell him you hate it
158
00:06:04,672 --> 00:06:06,174
- on his daughter's birthday?
- What do you
159
00:06:06,208 --> 00:06:07,710
want me to do? You know
he's gonna ask about it.
160
00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:09,444
Be cool. Okay?
161
00:06:09,477 --> 00:06:11,347
We'll practice.
162
00:06:11,379 --> 00:06:12,647
Neck!
163
00:06:12,681 --> 00:06:14,450
Do you favor my moose-tache?
164
00:06:14,482 --> 00:06:15,751
- I hate it.
- You'll be fine.
165
00:06:15,785 --> 00:06:17,285
Okay. Okay.
166
00:06:17,318 --> 00:06:19,621
- Hey, welcome back.
- Yeah. Thanks.
167
00:06:19,655 --> 00:06:22,491
- Good to see you.
- Yep.
168
00:06:23,691 --> 00:06:25,494
So?
169
00:06:25,527 --> 00:06:27,196
So?
170
00:06:27,229 --> 00:06:29,132
See anything new?
171
00:06:29,164 --> 00:06:30,499
No.
172
00:06:30,532 --> 00:06:32,501
- On me? On my face?
- Oh!
173
00:06:32,535 --> 00:06:34,037
Y-You mean the mustache.
174
00:06:34,070 --> 00:06:35,071
Any thoughts?
175
00:06:37,506 --> 00:06:39,508
I hate it.
176
00:06:47,249 --> 00:06:49,785
You don't... you don't mean that.
177
00:06:49,818 --> 00:06:51,949
You've had a long journey,
you need to rest.
178
00:06:51,980 --> 00:06:54,130
Let's talk again
when you've had some rest.
179
00:06:54,155 --> 00:06:56,124
All right. Welcome back.
180
00:06:56,157 --> 00:06:57,626
All right, man.
181
00:06:57,660 --> 00:06:59,729
Because of a pending Justice
Department investigation,
182
00:06:59,761 --> 00:07:02,364
I can't tell you why
I left Banyon Canyon.
183
00:07:02,398 --> 00:07:04,566
But I can tell you
European Jess is a lot more fun
184
00:07:04,599 --> 00:07:06,301
than State's Witness Jess.
185
00:07:06,335 --> 00:07:07,669
It sounds to me like you need a job.
186
00:07:07,703 --> 00:07:09,304
You should come work for me.
187
00:07:09,337 --> 00:07:13,176
I don't actually know what it is you do.
188
00:07:13,208 --> 00:07:15,244
God, I was a terrible girlfriend.
189
00:07:15,277 --> 00:07:16,312
Anyway, Nick and I leave
190
00:07:16,345 --> 00:07:17,663
for the South American leg
191
00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:19,247
of his book tour soon.
192
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:21,475
In Peru, they call Pepperwood
193
00:07:21,538 --> 00:07:23,627
El Gumbo Federalé.
194
00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:25,688
Wait, Nick? You're still together?
195
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,689
I've been married and divorced
twice since I last saw you.
196
00:07:27,722 --> 00:07:30,525
Yeah, well, you know, we haven't
been together the whole time.
197
00:07:30,559 --> 00:07:32,828
We've had ups and downs,
and twists and turns,
198
00:07:32,862 --> 00:07:34,463
but about three years ago,
we figured it out
199
00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:35,797
and we've been together ever since.
200
00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:38,434
Sometimes it just takes
dating your cousin
201
00:07:38,467 --> 00:07:41,137
for things to really fall into place.
202
00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:43,271
Wow. And you're not engaged?
203
00:07:43,304 --> 00:07:44,674
Well, we just take things day by day.
204
00:07:44,707 --> 00:07:46,026
You know, don't want to rush it.
205
00:07:46,051 --> 00:07:47,844
That's right.
You've always had that problem.
206
00:07:47,869 --> 00:07:50,538
I'm sorry, what do you mean?
207
00:07:50,578 --> 00:07:51,517
Well, you and Nick.
208
00:07:51,542 --> 00:07:53,515
You were always terrified
of moving forward.
209
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,426
Oh, my God.
210
00:07:57,451 --> 00:07:59,754
Did you ask me before,
like, when we were talking,
211
00:07:59,787 --> 00:08:01,075
if we were engaged?
212
00:08:01,100 --> 00:08:03,526
'Cause yes, the answer is yes.
We are engaged.
213
00:08:03,559 --> 00:08:05,393
There was a ring and everything,
214
00:08:05,426 --> 00:08:08,076
and-and thank God,
because it was the only thing
215
00:08:08,115 --> 00:08:11,167
holding my finger to my hand
for the entire
216
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,203
18-hour ambulance ride
to the hospital in Warsaw.
217
00:08:14,236 --> 00:08:17,474
So suck on that.
Right, Billie Jean King?
218
00:08:20,824 --> 00:08:22,694
- This party is a disaster.
- I know.
219
00:08:22,727 --> 00:08:24,675
Our guests have no questions
for the panel.
220
00:08:26,163 --> 00:08:27,298
Wait, no, wait, look.
221
00:08:28,786 --> 00:08:31,089
- This is for anyone.
- Mm-hmm.
222
00:08:31,139 --> 00:08:33,108
Daddy's butt?
223
00:08:35,717 --> 00:08:37,498
It's just, this is
the first birthday party
224
00:08:37,537 --> 00:08:39,346
that our daughter
is actually going to remember.
225
00:08:39,379 --> 00:08:40,667
If it's anything less than perfect,
226
00:08:40,692 --> 00:08:42,350
I'm going to hire a professional samurai
227
00:08:42,383 --> 00:08:44,753
- to chop me in half.
- That seems proportional.
228
00:08:44,807 --> 00:08:45,827
Okay, fine. You know what? You're right.
229
00:08:45,852 --> 00:08:47,651
- Let's break out the booze.
- Thank you.
230
00:08:47,676 --> 00:08:49,691
Put some toilet tissue
in the bounce house.
231
00:08:49,724 --> 00:08:52,570
Vodka Soda-Mayor. Right here.
232
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,996
Here you go, sir. A Rosé the Riveter.
233
00:08:55,890 --> 00:08:58,966
A Ruth Bader Gin-sberg. I did that one.
234
00:08:58,999 --> 00:09:00,528
You two have a good time.
Have a good time.
235
00:09:00,553 --> 00:09:01,647
All right.
236
00:09:05,172 --> 00:09:06,341
Oh...
237
00:09:08,341 --> 00:09:09,744
Hey, bub. What's the holdup?
238
00:09:09,777 --> 00:09:10,879
It's been six months
239
00:09:10,912 --> 00:09:12,346
since I gave you my blessing.
240
00:09:12,379 --> 00:09:14,249
When am I gonna hear my daughter cry?
241
00:09:14,282 --> 00:09:17,655
Huh? I think I deserve
to hear my daughter cry.
242
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:19,019
Bob, I'm proposing tonight.
243
00:09:19,052 --> 00:09:20,989
I've been planning on doing it all along
244
00:09:21,022 --> 00:09:22,891
- when we got back home to the loft.
- The loft?
245
00:09:22,923 --> 00:09:25,259
You visit every possible
246
00:09:25,293 --> 00:09:28,395
romantic proposal spot on the planet,
247
00:09:28,428 --> 00:09:29,764
and you pick that dump?
248
00:09:29,797 --> 00:09:31,966
Because it's where we met, Bob.
249
00:09:31,999 --> 00:09:34,034
Look, I've got a whole plan.
I haven't told anybody.
250
00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:36,370
So I mailed the ring from Europe.
251
00:09:36,403 --> 00:09:38,706
So when we're looking
at the mail, I'll say, like,
252
00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:40,140
"Check this one out.
This one's from Turkey.
253
00:09:40,173 --> 00:09:41,842
You should open it, Jess."
254
00:09:41,875 --> 00:09:43,845
You mailed my grandmother's ring
from Turkey?
255
00:09:43,878 --> 00:09:46,047
I hired an Au pair.
He was going there, anyhow.
256
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,946
- A male Au pair?
- Yes, a boy Au pair.
257
00:09:47,971 --> 00:09:50,018
Look, look, I better get
a phone call tonight
258
00:09:50,051 --> 00:09:52,287
with the news that my daughter
259
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,389
- has a fiancé.
- Bob...
260
00:09:54,422 --> 00:09:57,425
I don't even care if it's not you. Okay?
261
00:09:57,457 --> 00:09:58,793
So you told Russell you're engaged.
262
00:09:58,834 --> 00:10:00,936
Well, that's simple.
I'll just tell him that I'm engaged,
263
00:10:00,961 --> 00:10:02,396
so what was once interesting
264
00:10:02,429 --> 00:10:04,298
will now become commonplace.
265
00:10:04,331 --> 00:10:05,966
I'm so mad at myself.
266
00:10:05,999 --> 00:10:08,302
But he was hectoring me.
I felt completely hectored.
267
00:10:08,336 --> 00:10:10,404
Forgot about "hector." That's
a good word, real good word.
268
00:10:10,437 --> 00:10:12,106
Which reminds me, um,
269
00:10:12,139 --> 00:10:15,105
may I hector you to pick a favorite?
270
00:10:16,177 --> 00:10:19,214
Hmm. Aw. Easy.
271
00:10:19,246 --> 00:10:20,322
- This one.
- Oh, nice.
272
00:10:20,347 --> 00:10:21,349
- I have to fix this.
- Okay.
273
00:10:21,381 --> 00:10:22,516
If Nick finds out
274
00:10:22,549 --> 00:10:24,251
that I told Russell we're engaged,
275
00:10:24,284 --> 00:10:26,920
he's gonna spin out,
and he'll tell me he's fine,
276
00:10:26,953 --> 00:10:29,823
then I'll get a call a week
later with him on a bus,
277
00:10:29,856 --> 00:10:32,192
crying somewhere, and he's
gonna ask me to marry him.
278
00:10:32,225 --> 00:10:33,927
And then I'll never know
if he wanted to marry me
279
00:10:33,961 --> 00:10:36,063
or if he just asked me
'cause I lied to my ex
280
00:10:36,088 --> 00:10:37,531
at a children's birthday party.
281
00:10:37,565 --> 00:10:39,968
- That was a lot.
- You know what?
282
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,502
I just need to march right up to Russell
283
00:10:41,536 --> 00:10:42,837
and I need to tell him the truth.
284
00:10:42,870 --> 00:10:43,904
- Yeah.
- I can do that.
285
00:10:43,937 --> 00:10:45,005
I've been to Europe.
286
00:10:45,038 --> 00:10:46,173
I can do anything.
287
00:10:46,206 --> 00:10:48,285
- Hey, Mr. Europe.
- Hey, man.
288
00:10:48,310 --> 00:10:50,245
You know, I thought you were
gonna propose for sure.
289
00:10:50,278 --> 00:10:51,346
- I was waiting for it.
- Yeah.
290
00:10:51,379 --> 00:10:53,387
Uh? Look who it is.
291
00:10:53,412 --> 00:10:55,450
It's Mr. Sun.
292
00:10:59,269 --> 00:11:02,257
I tell you, I was sure
293
00:11:02,289 --> 00:11:04,992
That you were gonna pop the question.
294
00:11:05,025 --> 00:11:08,604
Instead, you just sent me
a bunch of Instagram pictures.
295
00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,544
Pasta, bread,
296
00:11:11,575 --> 00:11:14,851
cheese, sorts of nonsense really.
297
00:11:14,890 --> 00:11:17,054
- I mean, I get it, you're in Europe.
- You have to know that's disgusting.
298
00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:18,929
Relax. It'll soak in.
299
00:11:18,961 --> 00:11:20,196
No, not the sunscreen. The mustache.
300
00:11:20,229 --> 00:11:22,207
Your mustache is disgusting.
301
00:11:22,232 --> 00:11:24,201
- Stop touching it.
- I'm rubbing it in.
302
00:11:24,234 --> 00:11:25,769
You're just doing the mustache. Just...
303
00:11:27,271 --> 00:11:29,240
If you hate my mustache, sir,
then you hate me.
304
00:11:29,273 --> 00:11:30,941
That's not true. I just don't
like the mustache.
305
00:11:30,974 --> 00:11:32,810
It never would've happened
if I was here!
306
00:11:32,843 --> 00:11:33,978
It never would've happened!
307
00:11:34,010 --> 00:11:35,345
Don't make this about the mustache!
308
00:11:36,846 --> 00:11:38,215
Schmidt.
309
00:11:38,248 --> 00:11:40,984
Thank you. Yep. Mm-hmm. Uh, so,
310
00:11:41,018 --> 00:11:42,987
Timmy's mom just started climbing a tree
311
00:11:43,019 --> 00:11:44,087
with some very high heels
312
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,355
and musical chairs is turning
313
00:11:45,388 --> 00:11:47,258
into an adult drinking game.
314
00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:49,225
- Darn it.
- Yeah.
315
00:11:49,258 --> 00:11:51,961
Well, at least Ruth's having fun
with Maya Angelou.
316
00:11:51,994 --> 00:11:57,100
Bubblegum, bubblegum, in a dish.
317
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,568
Okay, you know what, maybe you're right.
318
00:11:58,601 --> 00:12:00,270
Let's get rid of the booze
before everybody goes
319
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,971
from children's-birthday-party drunk
320
00:12:02,004 --> 00:12:03,874
- to Winston-and-Aly's-wedding drunk.
- -Mm.
321
00:12:03,907 --> 00:12:05,576
♪ Groove on, before you go ♪
322
00:12:05,609 --> 00:12:06,844
Go! Go! Go!
323
00:12:06,877 --> 00:12:09,037
Oh! Oh, come on, man.
324
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:11,248
You see, this is why we need a referee.
325
00:12:11,281 --> 00:12:13,284
Give me my chair!
326
00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:16,032
- Russell, I need to come clean.
- Hey, you two.
327
00:12:16,063 --> 00:12:17,023
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Nick.
328
00:12:17,048 --> 00:12:18,165
- Nick, congratulations.
- Hey.
329
00:12:18,190 --> 00:12:20,456
Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, MagaTween Magazine is calling it
330
00:12:20,489 --> 00:12:22,292
"This year's longest Pepperwood."
331
00:12:22,326 --> 00:12:23,978
No, I meant about the proposal.
332
00:12:24,003 --> 00:12:25,415
Ah, you are such a sweetheart.
333
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,297
Nobody ever talks
about my book proposals.
334
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:28,751
So, thank you. Some of my best work.
335
00:12:28,776 --> 00:12:30,829
No, Nick, I just wanted
to congratulate you
336
00:12:30,854 --> 00:12:31,860
on your engagement.
337
00:12:31,902 --> 00:12:35,272
The Rio de Janeiro Civic Center
next month.
338
00:12:35,305 --> 00:12:36,907
That sounds cool. Can I come?
339
00:12:36,940 --> 00:12:38,876
- I'm in and out of Rio all the time.
- It's sold out.
340
00:12:38,908 --> 00:12:40,977
- It's all full?
- Mm, maybe next time. Look,
341
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,313
Nick, I just wanted
to tell you how happy I am
342
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:45,257
that you're finally getting married.
343
00:12:47,484 --> 00:12:51,422
Aw, screw it. Nick, I'm sorry,
I told Russell we're engaged.
344
00:12:53,090 --> 00:12:54,157
- That's not cool, man!
- No, you're...
345
00:12:54,191 --> 00:12:55,392
Settle down! Settle down
346
00:12:55,425 --> 00:12:56,894
or I'm gonna turn off the music!
347
00:12:56,927 --> 00:12:58,295
Try playing musical chairs
with no music!
348
00:12:58,327 --> 00:13:00,163
It's just chairs.
349
00:13:03,066 --> 00:13:04,435
What are you doing?
350
00:13:07,503 --> 00:13:09,172
Hey!
351
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:11,475
Oh, she's pregnant.
352
00:13:13,343 --> 00:13:15,413
Stop treating me special!
353
00:13:17,648 --> 00:13:19,917
Ooh... whoo!
354
00:13:19,950 --> 00:13:21,552
- Nick, I can explain.
- Look out.
355
00:13:25,978 --> 00:13:28,448
I'm sorry, Jess,
she came out of nowhere.
356
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:31,739
- Hey, are you okay?
- Yeah, no, I'm okay.
357
00:13:31,809 --> 00:13:35,239
I'm so sorry about what I did.
I just, I feel so stupid.
358
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,778
I was just defensive and
we're happy the way we are.
359
00:13:37,825 --> 00:13:39,863
I don't want you to get in your
head and think we're not happy.
360
00:13:39,918 --> 00:13:41,654
No, I don't, I'm great.
361
00:13:41,687 --> 00:13:44,541
Jess, you do not have to worry
about ol' Nicky Blue Eyes.
362
00:13:44,566 --> 00:13:46,230
I'm good.
363
00:13:46,262 --> 00:13:48,534
You told Russell we're engaged,
that's hilarious.
364
00:13:48,589 --> 00:13:50,175
- Friggin' hilarious.
- Really? You're not in your head?
365
00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:51,630
Because you kind of seem like you are.
366
00:13:51,663 --> 00:13:53,143
I'm good. We cool. Are you cool?
367
00:13:53,168 --> 00:13:55,037
- Yeah.
- Table for two at the We Cool café.
368
00:13:55,069 --> 00:13:56,571
This is hilarious.
369
00:13:56,604 --> 00:13:59,541
- If you say so.
- I say so.
370
00:13:59,574 --> 00:14:01,944
Cool. I'm gonna go lie on Ruth's
bed and pretend I'm a giant.
371
00:14:01,977 --> 00:14:04,947
Like a friggin' giant.
372
00:14:07,182 --> 00:14:10,085
Wow, this got away from us fast.
373
00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:12,554
Oh, excuse me. Where is Schmidt?
374
00:14:12,588 --> 00:14:14,823
What could possibly be more important?
375
00:14:14,857 --> 00:14:17,693
I know why you hate my mustache.
376
00:14:17,726 --> 00:14:21,130
You look at me and see
a stay-at-home father.
377
00:14:21,163 --> 00:14:24,533
Just like I look at you and see
a globe-trotting author
378
00:14:24,565 --> 00:14:26,935
who has thrice appeared on Book TV's
379
00:14:26,968 --> 00:14:29,253
- Watchu Readin' with PP Jilbi.
- Yeah.
380
00:14:29,278 --> 00:14:31,006
Have our lives changed?
Yeah, sure they have.
381
00:14:31,039 --> 00:14:34,245
- But, like my mustache...
- There's no deeper level.
382
00:14:34,270 --> 00:14:35,319
I don't like your mustache
383
00:14:35,344 --> 00:14:36,478
because I think it looks ugly
on your face.
384
00:14:36,511 --> 00:14:37,713
There's always a deeper level, Nick.
385
00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:39,515
- There's no deeper level.
- There's always a deeper level, Nick!
386
00:14:39,548 --> 00:14:41,420
That's what I'm saying,
there's no deeper level!
387
00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:43,443
There's always a deeper level, Nick!
388
00:14:47,789 --> 00:14:48,991
Fine, Schmidt.
389
00:14:49,024 --> 00:14:50,159
I hate your mustache
390
00:14:50,192 --> 00:14:52,628
because I miss your upper lip. Okay?
391
00:14:52,660 --> 00:14:55,930
You happy now?
392
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:59,034
No, Nick, not happy now.
393
00:14:59,067 --> 00:15:02,138
Happy forever.
394
00:15:04,884 --> 00:15:06,774
Ugh. I can't wait to lie down.
395
00:15:06,808 --> 00:15:08,423
What? Are you crazy?
396
00:15:08,478 --> 00:15:11,046
We got all this mail to open.
Let's open it, I'll lay it out.
397
00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:12,948
But it's, like, 4:00 a.m. for us.
398
00:15:12,981 --> 00:15:15,650
And a grown woman just fell on me.
399
00:15:15,684 --> 00:15:18,153
Well, let's just open one to get
the mailman off our backs.
400
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,329
- Okay.
- I mean, not that one.
401
00:15:20,354 --> 00:15:21,462
That's not the one to pick.
402
00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:23,790
Pick one that looks really cool
and interesting, right?
403
00:15:23,815 --> 00:15:25,893
That one? Not that one.
I'm gonna open this one.
404
00:15:25,961 --> 00:15:27,929
You want to open an appointment reminder
from my gynecologist?
405
00:15:27,963 --> 00:15:29,084
Yes, of course I do.
406
00:15:29,109 --> 00:15:31,109
I like to keep track of you
and what's going on with your thing.
407
00:15:31,148 --> 00:15:33,062
So just... pick one that...
You know what,
408
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,781
I'm gonna pick one. Do you mind
if I pick one for you?
409
00:15:34,812 --> 00:15:36,515
Is that weird? I'll just pick one.
410
00:15:36,554 --> 00:15:38,307
H-How about this one?
411
00:15:38,339 --> 00:15:40,174
Oh, this one's from Turkey.
How mysterious.
412
00:15:40,208 --> 00:15:41,743
You want to open that one?
413
00:15:41,776 --> 00:15:43,578
Sure.
414
00:15:49,831 --> 00:15:52,054
I'm gonna get that. Will you wait?
'Cause I'm-I'm...
415
00:15:52,097 --> 00:15:53,121
Just please wait. Thanks.
416
00:15:56,190 --> 00:15:58,059
Russell, what are you doing here?
417
00:15:58,093 --> 00:15:59,727
Well, I would've called, but my ex-wife
418
00:15:59,761 --> 00:16:01,930
deleted all the female numbers
from my phone.
419
00:16:01,963 --> 00:16:03,442
Might've been nice to say good-bye
420
00:16:03,467 --> 00:16:05,100
to my aunt before she passed.
421
00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:08,002
Anyway, Jess.
Uh, can we, uh... can we talk?
422
00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:09,426
Uh, we're a little bit busy.
We're opening mail right now.
423
00:16:09,451 --> 00:16:10,738
It's only gonna take a minute, Nick.
424
00:16:10,771 --> 00:16:12,854
Sure. We'll be opening mail
425
00:16:12,879 --> 00:16:14,354
- before you know it.
- But don't open that one.
426
00:16:14,379 --> 00:16:15,311
It might have a bomb in it.
427
00:16:15,343 --> 00:16:16,978
So...
428
00:16:17,011 --> 00:16:17,979
Okay.
429
00:16:18,012 --> 00:16:20,148
- Okay. Thanks.
- Come on in.
430
00:16:20,182 --> 00:16:21,584
How'd you even know we still lived here?
431
00:16:21,617 --> 00:16:23,886
- I just knew.
- Ooh. Russy.
432
00:16:25,102 --> 00:16:27,812
This used to be Nick's room,
but now it's his home office.
433
00:16:27,875 --> 00:16:30,902
Listen, about earlier today,
when I lied about me and Nick...
434
00:16:30,942 --> 00:16:33,645
Jess, I don't think I can spend
another second of my day
435
00:16:33,678 --> 00:16:36,148
and possibly my life
talking about you and Nick.
436
00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:39,115
Oh. Most people
find us adorable, but okay.
437
00:16:39,140 --> 00:16:40,141
Come to work for me.
438
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,419
I was being serious earlier.
439
00:16:41,452 --> 00:16:43,795
I've spent a year
looking for the right person,
440
00:16:43,820 --> 00:16:45,245
and I think you'd be perfect.
441
00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:47,425
I know you're planning a trip,
so hear me out.
442
00:16:47,458 --> 00:16:49,427
- I'd...
- Wait.
443
00:16:49,452 --> 00:16:52,528
I don't know what you do, still.
444
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:55,934
Yes. I was going to cover that
in the "hear me out" portion.
445
00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:58,370
I think at our kid's party,
we go cash bar.
446
00:16:58,395 --> 00:17:00,517
Cash bar would solve a lot of problems.
447
00:17:00,542 --> 00:17:02,907
Yeah. Coach, listen, I'm still waiting
for your vote for those pictures
448
00:17:02,941 --> 00:17:04,399
that I sent you, so...
449
00:17:04,430 --> 00:17:06,143
Winston, just pick your favorite.
450
00:17:06,168 --> 00:17:08,605
Baby, they're all my favorite.
Why can't you see
451
00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:09,933
that you being pregnant has made you
452
00:17:09,975 --> 00:17:11,424
more beautiful than ever?
453
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:15,187
You know what? Fine.
I'll pick one, okay?
454
00:17:22,327 --> 00:17:24,262
Oh, my God, I am beautiful.
455
00:17:25,463 --> 00:17:27,831
Mother Earth. Creator. Giver of life.
456
00:17:27,865 --> 00:17:28,867
Give that life.
457
00:17:28,899 --> 00:17:31,107
I'm a walking miracle with magic inside.
458
00:17:31,162 --> 00:17:32,396
Well, I mean,
it happens to a lot of people,
459
00:17:32,430 --> 00:17:33,698
so it's not really a miracle,
but I get it.
460
00:17:33,731 --> 00:17:36,800
Look at that body.
And there's a human inside of it?
461
00:17:36,834 --> 00:17:39,703
- Yeah.
- Why have you been so casual about that?
462
00:17:39,737 --> 00:17:41,105
This is crazy, babe.
463
00:17:41,137 --> 00:17:43,040
W-What are you doing just sitting there?
464
00:17:43,074 --> 00:17:45,501
Get a chair. Help me get off my feet.
465
00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:47,511
I've got the beginning
of our family in here.
466
00:17:48,689 --> 00:17:50,523
Baby, can I get you anything?
467
00:17:50,555 --> 00:17:52,566
- Anything at all?
- Yes!
468
00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:53,773
Like what?
469
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:56,245
- Everything.
- Coming right up.
470
00:17:56,285 --> 00:17:57,620
Bye, Russell.
471
00:17:57,815 --> 00:17:59,905
Hey. Did he like my home office?
472
00:17:59,968 --> 00:18:02,615
Yes. He said it reminded him
of his home office.
473
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:05,263
Well, that's because I copied
his home office exactly.
474
00:18:05,288 --> 00:18:07,435
- Uh, now onto the mail.
- Oh, wait.
475
00:18:07,460 --> 00:18:09,084
He offered me a job. He's starting
476
00:18:09,116 --> 00:18:11,263
an education-based nonprofit
and wants me to run it.
477
00:18:11,288 --> 00:18:12,271
But I wouldn't be able to go
478
00:18:12,296 --> 00:18:13,827
- with you to South America.
- Who cares?
479
00:18:13,852 --> 00:18:15,614
You should take that job.
It's a big opportunity.
480
00:18:15,639 --> 00:18:17,130
Do you want to open the mail?
Let's just see what's inside.
481
00:18:17,155 --> 00:18:18,132
- Just open it.
- Okay.
482
00:18:18,164 --> 00:18:19,633
I'm wondering if you'll get excited.
483
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:20,692
Oh, come on.
484
00:18:20,716 --> 00:18:22,253
Sorry, we have to do
the cake at your house.
485
00:18:22,278 --> 00:18:23,714
Someone stole all our knives.
486
00:18:23,739 --> 00:18:25,885
- Hi, Uncle Nick.
- And a nightstand.
487
00:18:25,910 --> 00:18:27,752
Uh, I'm sorry, you guys can't be here.
488
00:18:27,777 --> 00:18:29,190
We're opening mail right now.
489
00:18:29,215 --> 00:18:31,510
Nick's really into mail all of a sudden.
490
00:18:31,535 --> 00:18:33,380
You never know
what Europe's gonna do to a guy.
491
00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:36,155
Yeah, so...
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
492
00:18:36,180 --> 00:18:39,286
You guys will never believe
what's happening right now.
493
00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:40,913
Okay, fine, I'll tell you.
494
00:18:40,938 --> 00:18:42,715
Aly is taking a nap.
495
00:18:42,770 --> 00:18:45,506
I was watching her,
and then I left, and...
496
00:18:47,050 --> 00:18:48,819
That's one big-ass cake.
497
00:18:48,851 --> 00:18:50,692
I guess we're gonna open mail
in front of everybody.
498
00:18:51,820 --> 00:18:54,390
Great. Uh...
499
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:55,725
Jess, you want to go ahead?
500
00:18:55,759 --> 00:18:56,900
Yeah.
501
00:18:56,925 --> 00:18:59,978
I just want to say
we really missed you guys.
502
00:19:00,025 --> 00:19:03,033
And Nick, I don't need to be married
to know who we are.
503
00:19:03,066 --> 00:19:04,705
- Really?
- Really.
504
00:19:04,753 --> 00:19:06,502
I love you,
and I love our life together,
505
00:19:06,543 --> 00:19:08,281
and I don't want anything to change.
506
00:19:08,306 --> 00:19:10,330
And the moment that someone suggested
507
00:19:10,361 --> 00:19:13,306
that we weren't where
we should be, I went crazy.
508
00:19:13,369 --> 00:19:14,778
Because we're great.
509
00:19:14,810 --> 00:19:16,512
And why risk messing that up?
510
00:19:17,382 --> 00:19:18,884
We don't need to get married,
511
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:21,232
and that's okay with us. Right, Nick?
512
00:19:22,709 --> 00:19:24,387
Yeah, right.
513
00:19:26,356 --> 00:19:27,924
So, let's see what Turkey wants.
514
00:19:27,956 --> 00:19:29,771
Ah, enough of that. Give me that.
515
00:19:29,796 --> 00:19:31,287
Who cares what Turkey wants?
516
00:19:31,312 --> 00:19:33,826
Cake beats mail.
We got a hungry birthday girl
517
00:19:33,851 --> 00:19:34,839
right here, I don't want to bore her
518
00:19:34,864 --> 00:19:36,983
- with foreign mail.
- I like mail.
519
00:19:37,014 --> 00:19:38,733
Oh, you don't know what you
like. You're three years old.
520
00:19:40,436 --> 00:19:41,804
Excuse me.
521
00:19:41,838 --> 00:19:44,808
I got to go wash my hands.
I've been in Europe.
522
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:46,976
Is he suggesting
523
00:19:47,010 --> 00:19:50,547
that he hasn't washed his hands
since Europe?
524
00:19:50,579 --> 00:19:51,714
Bob, I can't do it tonight.
525
00:19:53,750 --> 00:19:55,685
I'm sorry, but this thing
526
00:19:55,719 --> 00:19:57,621
has been ten years in the making,
527
00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,723
and everything about
the proposal has to be perfect.
528
00:19:59,755 --> 00:20:01,724
- And I'll know when the time is right.
- You know what?
529
00:20:01,758 --> 00:20:03,727
I'm rescinding my blessing.
530
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,063
You want to marry my daughter?
You got to resubmit
531
00:20:06,096 --> 00:20:07,964
for a new blessing.
532
00:20:07,996 --> 00:20:09,965
And it better be as good
as the first time you asked.
533
00:20:09,999 --> 00:20:12,569
Okay.
534
00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:16,561
Bob, I am in love with your daughter,
535
00:20:16,669 --> 00:20:19,443
and I will be for the rest of my life.
536
00:20:20,442 --> 00:20:21,977
I want to ask her to marry me,
537
00:20:22,011 --> 00:20:24,481
but only with your blessing.
538
00:20:24,513 --> 00:20:28,085
All right, all right.
Yeah, y-you got it.
539
00:20:28,117 --> 00:20:30,119
But this time
there's a time limit on it.
540
00:20:30,153 --> 00:20:31,621
One month. You hear me?
541
00:20:31,654 --> 00:20:34,290
- One month!
- One month.
542
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:39,862
♪ Happy birthday ♪
543
00:20:39,896 --> 00:20:41,964
♪ Dear Ruth ♪
544
00:20:42,019 --> 00:20:45,698
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
545
00:20:50,173 --> 00:20:51,872
Good job, baby.
546
00:20:51,897 --> 00:20:53,411
- Hey, hey.
- Good job.
547
00:20:53,436 --> 00:20:56,046
♪ Never lived for nobody ♪
548
00:20:56,079 --> 00:20:58,581
♪ But I live for you ♪
549
00:20:58,615 --> 00:21:00,016
♪ Ooh ♪
550
00:21:00,049 --> 00:21:04,531
♪ Babe, lost in love ♪
551
00:21:04,556 --> 00:21:07,560
♪ Is what I feel ♪
552
00:21:07,585 --> 00:21:11,660
♪ When I'm with you ♪
553
00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:17,496
♪ Maybe it's the way you touch me ♪
554
00:21:17,543 --> 00:21:20,678
♪ With the warmth of a sun ♪
555
00:21:20,709 --> 00:21:23,906
♪ Maybe it's the way you smile ♪
556
00:21:23,948 --> 00:21:26,693
♪ I come all undone ♪
557
00:21:26,725 --> 00:21:28,878
♪ Ooh, baby... ♪
558
00:21:28,912 --> 00:21:31,515
It's so great having everyone
back in the loft.
559
00:21:31,548 --> 00:21:33,650
I hope this never ends.
560
00:21:33,683 --> 00:21:35,886
♪ Feel ♪
561
00:21:35,918 --> 00:21:39,196
♪ When I'm with you ♪
562
00:21:39,220 --> 00:21:44,020
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www.addic7ed.com