D There's a hundred And four days of summer vacation *
* And school comes along just to end it *
* So the annual problem For our generation *
* Is finding a good way to spend it *
* Like maybe *
* Building a rocket or fighting a mummy *
* Or climbing up the Eiffel Tower *
* Discovering something That doesn't exist d.
Hey!
D Or giving a monkey a shower *
* Surfing tidal waves *
* Creating nano-bots Or locating Frankenstein's brain d.
It's over here!
D Finding a Dodo bird *
* Painting a continent *
* Or driving our sister insane *
Phineas!
D As you can see There's a whole lot of stuff to do *
* Before school starts this fall d.
Come on, Perry!
D So stick with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb Are gonna do it all! *
* So stick with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb Are gonna do it all! d.
Mom, Phineas and Ferb are making a title sequence!
Well, how are we doing today, Major? Feeling better?
Carl? What are you doing here?
Your wife said it'd be OK if I came up here and kept you company.
Would that be all right? I brought a book!
What kind of book?
It's a fantasy adventure with wizards and knights.
Are there woodland sprites?
Well, there's water sprites.
Go ahead.
"Devote your mind to this tale of the distant past and the adventures
that did befall the most noble of knights,
"where stood the cottage of the humble antique dealer."
Cheerio, dear!
I'm off to hide these common objects for a couple of hundred years
until they become valuable.
Don't forget to put hay in the ox!
Candavere, I need you to fetch me some more water.
Candavere? Oh! Where is that maid?
"Stacehilda, news have I upon this evening!"
"At the harvest bonfire, I shall be on the arm of Jeremiad."
"Signed, Candavere."
There. And now to send off this missive.
The time has come to do your duty, my stout-winged messenger.
That should catalyze it. We'll add it to our inventory of magical elixirs.
What say we try a couple of these out?
Cool, a Cyclops. My turn.
A manticore! With a lion's head.
A cockatrice!
Oh, yeah, getting some water and
* Gonna have a great Midsummer's wode-gathering *
* Harvest bonfire's eve d.
Good morrow, Phineas.
D With Jeremiad d.
Good morrow, Ferbalot.
What flaxen homespun have we swaggering here?
Careful, Candavere. Better not look at Ferbalot or you'll turn to stone.
This is a most inopportune time for your infernal hijinks!
And for once, our sad, sweet mother will be heralded to your…
I can't talk like this anymore.
You guys are so busted! Mom!
I don't know about you, Ferbalot, but I didn't get any of that.
Hey, there's something fishy about this rain. It's unearthly.
Come on, we better get inside.
Behold! I am the Lady of the Puddle.
Don't you mean the Lady of the Lake?
No, that's my mom.
Hey, kids, you're getting a little quest of your own. Oh, that's so nice.
Anyway, Ferbalot, you and Phineas must find the legendary sword,
Excaliferb, and use it to stop the evil sorcerer Malifashmirtz,
who is behind this unearthly rain.
Yeah, Ferb and I were just talking about the rain.
"Unearthly." That's… isn't that the word I… Yeah. I used… I just…
I will send the magical water sprite, Isabelle, to guide you on your quest.
Great! Can't wait to meet her.
And to you, Ferbalot and Phineas, I bid thee good fortune.
Wow. Good thing she wasn't Lady of the Hot Coffee.
Mom, Ferb and I are going on a quest!
Don't forget to goad the geese on your way out!
Sure thing, Mom. Get in there, Gertrude.
Whoa! This must be the sprite, Isabelle.
What art thou doin'?
Apparently, you're going to guide us on a quest.
Yes. You must first cross the Raging River of Uncertainty
by way of the Bridge of Comprehension.
Then you must brave the Swamp of Spit-Poor Attitudes.
Then it's snack time. I brought along some apples.
After that, you will enter the Cave of Ten Thousand Monsters,
where the sword Excaliferb can be found.
Ferb, only a warrior with a true heart may draw it from the stone
and wield it in battle against the evil sorcerer Malifashmirtz.
Yeah, OK. I'm down with that.
Do you have any questions?
Yeah. Where's Perable?
Good morning, Sir P.
The tempest we are experiencing was conjured up by the evil Malifashmirtz.
We need you to fly up to his fortress
and put the kibosh on his evil machinations.
I really like that character. Is there gonna be more about him?
I'm sorry, sir. He just comes in at the beginning.
Shall I continue?
- Huh? - Mmm, OK.
"Meanwhile, back at the cottage of the humble antique dealer…"
Mom, I'm telling you, they're gallivanting around out there
conjuring things with magical elixirs.
Candavere, I've never seen them gallivant.
Oh! When are you gonna believe me?
What if I got you some proof?
I'd rather you got me some more gruel wood.
Fine.
"Candavere, fetch me gruel wood."
"Candavere, rake the roof thatch."
"Candavere, go accuse the neighbors of witchcraft."
If only I had some… Huh? Proof!
All I have to do is grab a couple of these to show Mom, and…
Ugh, what is this stuff?
Stupid potion! I know. Maybe this will get rid of it.
That didn't work. I'm gonna go tell Mom.
Oh great, a tail! Phineas and Ferbalot, you are so…
I can't go to the midsummer's wode-gathering harvest bonfire like this.
What will Jeremiad think?
I'm just gonna have to find Phineas and Ferbalot,
and make them tell me which one of these elixirs will change me back.
Oh, this is not… Oh, no!
Oh, oh, there is no… Oh, no.
D Malifashmirtz Evil Incorporated *
* But not really a corporation *
* Because corporations Haven't been invented yet *
* So it's more like a guild Or a tradesmen association d.
A-ha! Perable the Dragonpus. Welcome to your doom!
Hey, hey, what's the matter with this thing?
Hey, hey, Norm, can you come out and give me a hand?
Of course.
You like him, Perable the Dragonpus? I call him a Lawn Norm!
He protects my garden from witches' spells and wood trolls.
I'm gonna make small versions of him and sell them all over…
Anyway, let me tell you about my plan
for seizing control of the tri-kingdom area.
You see, I was bullfrog hunting
down by the rat catcher's shack, and
came across
with the biggest raspberry I've ever seen!
It was the size of a cucumber.
Is what I said because I had a gag over my mouth.
And that's why I decided to take over the tri-kingdom area.
True story! And now I know exactly how to do it.
You see, I found this ancient text, more of a pamphlet, really,
and decided to use it to conjure up the most evil multitude
to ever tread the earth!
But to do that, I needed to start with
the most hideous substance known to man!
Canned meat! Tripe-Henge brand. Only the best!
So, earlier today I placed thousands of cans of canned meat
into the largest of my three cauldrons,
cast my evil re-animation spell and ta-da!
Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat!
Yeah, don't say it. I know they're a little small.
But that's why the rain, see?
They absorb water and they will grow,
and when they get bigger I'm hoping their attitude will become
a little more, you know, rampagey.
Isabelle, why did you take us
to the Inn of the Prancing Platypus?
We need allies.
There's a lot of mercenaries and thugs to choose from.
Plus, they make a great taco salad.
Who's that creepy guy? He's been staring at us since we got here.
I wonder what he wants.
He's coming over. Be cool.
I would recommend a little more caution from you, wizardling.
Malifashmirtz's spies are everywhere. Look at that guy over there.
He doesn't look like a spy. He looks more like a shepherd.
He's a shepherd spy. They're the worst kind.
Are you a mercenary thug?
Actually, I'm here for the taco salad.
But you guys look like you could do with a little muscle.
The name is Bufavulus, the Wind Lord. I can help you on your quest.
Welcome aboard.
You should also know that I travel with a companion by the name
of Baljeetalus of the Nerdling Realm.
Greetings, adventurers!
If by my bow or my vast store of useless knowledge,
I may aid you… Hey, where is my bow?
You left it in the booth.
Oh. Excuse me.
Well, there it is. Has anyone seen my arrows?
Bathroom.
Now that we are all congregated, we must away!
Let everyone now task his thought,
that this fair quest may on foot be brought!
Whoa, hey, hold it! What's with the banjo?
Travelling music.
Where are they going, Alabama?
What do you mean, sir?
Well, questing music should have an element of foreboding and mystery.
You know, lots of minor chords and stuff.
And to make it sound more medieval,
you throw a major chord in right at the end.
OK, I'll see what I can do.
"And so, the merry band set off on their quest to the foreboding sounds
"of minor chords." Better?
Little less sarcasm would be nice.
D A-questing we will go Into this cursed rain *
* We're ill-prepared and under-trained *
* With no practical knowledge Of this terrain *
* A brute, a girl Two brothers and a brain *
* Hiking up this inclined plane d.
What do you know?
My shepherd spy tells me that a team of erstwhile heroes bent on defeating me
are on their way here right now.
Oh, yeah, sure.
It's just down that way, past the sally port on your right.
You can't miss it.
A bridge!
Are not these things guarded in these types of stories?
Yeah, like, by a troll?
Do I look like a troll to you?
Do not answer truthfully. It will only enrage her.
In order to cross my Bridge of Comprehension,
you must first answer three questions.
The questions will fall into three categories.
Arts and sciences, social studies,
and what's hot and what's not.
Uh, hey, guys, it is not really that deep down here.
The answers must be given in haiku form.
If it's all the same to you, we'll just go around.
It's not all the same to me!
Just for the record, the answer to your riddle is an egg. Bye now!
Come back! You can't… Wait a minute.
"Just for the record,
the answer to your riddle, is an egg. Bye now."
Huh. What do you know, that was a haiku.
The time has come, my little meat conejos.
Rain down on my enemies and stop them from advancing!
And bring me back a newspaper.
Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat!
You, too. Go.
Meat!
Uh-oh. Doesn't look good. Whoa!
This is where that crazy old bat should have built a bridge.
This is the Rocky Shallow River of Nevermore.
Why must everything have such long names?
We're gonna have to turn around and find another way across this gorge.
Oh, no! Canned meat! Now we're in trouble.
But they're so cute.
Meat! Meat! Meat! Meat!
They're getting bigger!
And more rampagey!
So are quests usually this short?
Meat! Meat! Meat!
We're not gonna go without a fight!
Phineas! I want all of you to jump!
Uh, you know that it's called
the Rocky Shallow River of Nevermore for a reason, right?
I have a plan! Just trust me!
I don't know. How about you, Ferb?
Should we… Ferb?
He's right. Come on!
Mother always told me
if all the other kids were jumping off a cliff, I should, too.
Your mother said that?
She was not a nurturer. Let's go!
Isabelle, if you're gonna do something,
now would be a nice time!
Carl, you stopped.
I think we need to take a little break.
Wow, bad time for that. You totally left me hanging in that cliff scene.
That's kind of the point, sir.
Oh. I see. Very clever.
Sheesh, Carl. What took so long?
Sorry, sir. I was just down in your beautiful kitchen,
and your wife was making two sandwiches.
And I gotta tell you they were delish!
Did she make one for me?
Oh. Huh. How about we get back to the book?
Carl, did you eat my sandwich?
"As our heroes fell, doubt swept through them…"
Carl, you ate my sandwich.
Do you wanna hear this or not, sir?
OK.
"As our heroes fell, doubt swept through them…"
Isabelle? If you're gonna do something,
now would be a nice time!
Sisters, hear my summons beckon through the rain!
Carry thy waters to me now and fill the river once again.
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
Nice work, girls. See you at Tuesday's brunch!
Whoa!
That was cool! A slide made out of water.
What would you call a thing like that?
I don't know.
Oh good, another customer for my bridge.
In order to cross my bridge of Co… Co… Co!
Have you seen my brothers?
Co… Co… Co… Comprehension.
Well, I think that went well.
We're getting close.
This must be the Swamp of Spit-Poor Attitudes.
Why is it called that?
Legend has it that in order to get across this swampy marsh,
you have to have a good attitude.
This swamp was made for me! Come on, Ferbalot.
Come on, Bufavulus. What is the holdup?
I ain't going.
Just think good thoughts and you'll be fine.
You don't know me very well, do you?
Hey, guys, I can see Mount Doof from here. We're almost there.
I have an idea. I think I have a way to get you across the swamp.
I have been working on a way of solving problems
by the process of deriving reliable generalizations
from observation. I call it "logic."
Logic? How come I've never heard of this?
Because it is the Middle Ages.
Oh. Is it anything like hysterical hearsay?
Yes, in that it is the exact opposite of that.
Yeah?
Listen. Here is how it works.
By observing the swamp, logic tells me that it is too big to go around.
And by gathering information about it from Isabelle,
I can logically make assessments
about the best way to get across. Are you following me?
Absolutely not.
Phineas has pie.
Out of my way, runt!
And that's why the Earth is flat, Perable the Dragonpus.
Huh, what's this?
Thou hast mail!
Mail? Who's it from? Let me see.
Oh, a video. Look at that. I don't believe it.
How did these miscreants escape my meatlings?
Behold, the Cave of Ten Thousand Monsters!
Here, you will find the sword Excaliferb.
Cool! Looks like you're on, bro.
Let's see how they deal with this!
Uh-oh! Avalanche! Quick, inside!
That should do it.
Now, where were we, Perable the Dragonpus…
Hey, how did you escape from…
Oh, right! Fire-breathing dragon, wicker cage.
What do you know, that guy at the pet shop was right.
A-ha!
Man, this thing really does work when you put batteries in it.
Ferbalot. The object you seek is near.
Come this way.
Behold!
The sword Excaliferb, the instrument that will be Malifashmirtz's end.
Wow!
Look, Ferbalot is modeling this season's latest in magical weaponry,
Excaliferb!
But wasn't there something we had to do first?
Oh, right, the Cave of Ten Thousand Monsters.
Finally, my greatest nemesis, vanquished!
Now, Perable the Dragonpus, prepare to meet your dim!
Doom. I mean doom.
Prepare to meet your…
Man, talk about blowing the moment.
Behold, evil wizard Malifashmirtz,
I hold the sword Excaliferb.
This mystical vorpal blade was given to me
by the Lady of the Puddle.
Get a good look at it, for it is the instrument of your demise.
OK, so big deal. The end's come off.
Looks like we're switching to plan B, everyone!
Plan B?
Yes. That is where we all attack him with ten thousand monsters.
Oh, that Plan B.
Are you kidding me? I'm not afraid of you kids or your monsters.
In fact, I am not afraid of anything! Ha!
Except, you know, unicorns. But other than that, nothing.
Just unicorns and whales. That's a given.
Everyone's afraid of whales. And squid.
Uh, unicorns, whales, and squid.
And Pegasuses. That's it.
Pegasuses, whale, unicorns, squid, scorpions, barnacles…
You know, I should really make a list.
And girls. I used to be terrified of girls, but I sort of got over that.
Now it's just, you know, like, sort of a mild anxiety.
So, to recap, girls, whales, squid…
Hey! What's everyone looking at?
Phineas and Ferbalot, you are so busted!
Oh, what do you know? It's a uni-whale- scorpio pega-squid-icorn girl.
What are the odds?
You know, taken all together,
it's more ridiculous than scary.
I guess it doesn't have a cumulative effect.
Advance!
Meatlings! You advance, too!
D Their battle cries Rend the skies asunder *
* Their massive feet Beat the mountains down *
* Mortal fear combined with wonder *
* A new titan king will be crowned *
* Out of the misty swamp they lumber *
* While the heavens above them thunder d.
Hey, are you gonna eat your cucumber? What? I had a light lunch.
D It's an epic monster battle *
* Sound the awesome monster horn *
* For an evil wizard and the Dragonpus *
* And the uni-whale-scorpio- Pega-squid-icorn-girl! *
* The clashing turns to quiet *
* And calm sweeps through the land *
* The battle's been decided *
* But who had the upper hand? *
* But look! A hero rises From the smoke *
* Our glory has been regained *
* A cheer goes up among our army *
* But the other guy gets up again! *
* Now for truth the battle's over *
* And evil's reign is done *
* Our hero stands triumphant *
* No, no, wait, I was wrong He's up again! *
* I feel reasonably sure It's over this time *
* What do you guys think? Oh, wait, he's up again! d.
From the top of another hill, a figure appears,
a shaft of light shining off his auburn hair.
It was Carl, the redheaded paladin from the land of Internius.
Carl, now you're just getting ridiculous.
I don't see why I can't be in this story.
Besides, it's totally better this way.
I don't care! Read it the way it's written.
Fine.
"Suddenly, they all found out a way to settle their differences.
And it wasn't long before a peace accord was drafted and signed."
Cut it out, Carl. Read what it really says.
That's what it says. Look! See for yourself.
Hmm. "Both contracting parties undertake to maintain peaceful
and friendly relations between them and mutually…"
Oh. Come on, Carl, whatever happened to Candavere?
What about Jeremiad?
Well, I suppose I could just skip to the epilogue, sir.
Hmm. "Having signed the peace accord, the happy wanderers"
returned to their village as heroes.
The rain stopped and Candavere kept her date with Jeremiad.
As they danced, she was as happy as a young girl could be,
especially as she was now back to normal. Well, almost.
But even as the heroes recalled their tales of glory,
the evil Malifashmirtz slipped away,
bent on laying the groundwork for a sequel.
But for now, all was right with the world
and everyone in the village agreed
that it was the best midsummer's wode-gathering harvest bonfire's eve ever.
Certainly the first one to have 10,000 monsters.
The end.
How was that, sir?
OK, I guess.
Well, I guess I'd better get going.
- Carl? - Yes, sir?
Maybe you could come back and read to me tomorrow?
Uh, we kind of have to work tomorrow.
Oh, fine.
D Now for truth the battle's over *
* And evil's reign is done *
* Our hero stands triumphant *
* No, no, wait, I was wrong He's up again! *
* I feel reasonably sure It's over this time *
* What do you guys think? Oh, wait, he's up again! d.
From the top of another hill, a figure appears,
a shaft of light shining off his auburn hair.
Carl!
Sir, you're crushing my spirit.
Yes. Yes, I am.