* Painting a continent *
* Or driving our sister insane *
Phineas!
D As you can see There's a whole lot of stuff to do *
* Before school starts this fall d.
Come on, Perry!
D So stick with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb Are gonna do it all! *
* So stick with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb Are gonna do it all! d.
Mom, Phineas and Ferb are making a title sequence!
I think you're right, Stacy.
The ocean would be a lot deeper without all those sponges.
What is that noise?
It is driving me crazy! Aha!
Nice try, Ferb, but you can't psyche me out
with your dead-on celebrity impressions.
- All right, what is this? - Table tennis.
Ping-pong, to the layman.
Yeah, yeah, but is it, like,
laser activated, nuclear-powered, supersonic ping-pong?
Mmm, no. Good idea, though.
Ping-pong, huh? I bet.
I'll just stay right here until the inevitable weirdness happens.
Any minute now…
All right, so where's Perry?
Monogram to Agent P.
Already airborne, I see. I like that!
Doofenshmirtz has recently purchased an inordinate number of chairs.
Hundreds of them.
Far more than necessary
for a person with no friends and
only one tushie.
Well, actually, I'm… I'm just sort of assuming about the tushie,
but I'm pretty confident in the "no friends" thing.
You'd think it would be the other way around
with the way he's always playing with forbidden science.
You can never really be…
OK, this is coming out kind of weird, huh?
Look, you were going over there anyway…
Just… Just take a look, OK? Monogram out.
Psst! Perry the Platypus, over here!
Hurry! Hurry! The show's about to start!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Someone in our studio audience has a date with history.
So, come on up, because this is your backstory…
Heinz Doofenshmirtz!
Me?
It's me! It's me, Perry the Platypus!
Let's give him a big round of applause!
Tonight we explore the life of a true evil genius
and find out just what makes him tick.
But how?
I'm glad you asked.
With the help of our exciting, but potentially lethal,
memory extraction technology, all of your
- most deeply suppressed memories. - Oh!
Will appear right on this screen!
It's like a TV clip show fueled by your own brain.
Now, let's start our trip down Memory Strasse on the day of your birth,
in beautiful Gimmelshtoomp, Drusselstein!
I don't really remember much about it,
I was pretty young at the time, and…
Oh! Oh! I can feel it tingling! Something's coming out…
Aw, how cute!
But where's Mom?
She didn't, uh… show up for the birth.
Remember this voice?
When they are born,
we slap their bottoms to start them breathing.
Here he is, all the way from Gimmelshtoomp Memorial Hospital,
Doctor Mortimer Shlussel!
Doctor Shlussel, so good… Hey! Ow!
He is breathing.
And I'm sure you can guess who this next voice belongs to.
Heinz, my little habengoosher.
Aw, when she says "habengoosher" like that,
it's easy to forget that it means…
It's your mother!
Mama!
- Ow! - Habengoosher.
Yep, that's the way you normally say it.
Yes, your relationship with your mother left something to be desired.
But what about Dad?
Well, yeah, you know, those… those were hard times.
The stress of running a family weighed heavily on him.
We were so poor that, one day, our beloved lawn gnome was repossessed.
Who would protect our zotzenfruit garden from witches' spells and wood trolls?
From a tender age, my father decided that it would be me.
While the other children played
"kick the shtoompel" and ate doonkelberries,
I would stand for hours.
All through the cold night,
as the spitzenhound howled
my only companion was the moon.
And my neighbor, Kenny.
What a fascinating life!
We'll keep track of the level of emotional pain each backstory causes
on this colorful Gnome-O-Meter,
as shown by Vanna, our Gnome-O-Meter spokesmodel!
Looks like our gnome has begun his climb!
Scale those heights, you bearded, Scandinavian cutie!
Perform-a-segue-back-to-rites-of-passage!
Smooth, Norm.
Thank you! Don't break the rhythm, sir.
Hey, let me tell you, transitioning to adulthood was painful,
but, actually, I guess, a good indicator of things to come.
In Gimmelshtoomp, jumping from the high dive was
an important rite of passage.
Are you a man or a schnitzel?
I'm a man! I'm a man!
After that, my father and I became increasingly distant.
Whatever. I'm so over it.
And there's another voice you might recognize.
What exactly am I here for, again?
Roger!
It's your brother, Roger Doofenshmirtz,
beloved mayor of Danville!
Everybody loves him!
All right, all right, enough with the cheering!
This is my show, not his!
Can I help it if Mommy liked me best?
Look at all those burbling memory bubbles!
Tell us all about it, Doctor D!
For a time, I was happy.
It was a short time. It was right… there!
It was, like, five seconds when I was pushing
the thing back and forth on the rug.
And soon I learned my parents were expecting a brand new baby girl.
My mother spent months knitting pretty dresses.
Unfortunately, the baby turned out to be a boy and,
because we were out of material,
I was forced to wear those same dresses for an entire year,
drawing mockery and scorn
from all of my manly classmates.
I wanted to gain my mother's affection somehow,
so I went to the claw machine district in hopes of winning her a gift!
Fortunately, I had with me my allowance,
which I had been saving for a whole year:
One three-cent coin.
I dropped it into a slot and carefully maneuvered the claw
toward the beckoning fuzzy grail.
Odds were against me, but then it happened! The miracle!
The claw grabbed a stuffed animal! It was mine!
Then, like a knight of yore,
I gallantly gave the prize to my beloved mother,
who immediately turned around and gave it to my brother, Roger.
I was crushed as I watched Roger produce a big, red marker
and write his name on the toy.
And then afterwards proceeded to do the same to my mother,
claiming both as his own and effectively shutting me
out of the family dynamic.
You know, Heinz, there's more than one way to a mother's heart.
Kickball. My mother's love was always inexplicably linked to
well, I'll just let the song tell you.
D My mother's love was always Inexplicably linked to kickball *
* And my brother was An expert from the start *
* But I lacked finesse So when put to the test *
* I couldn't kick my way Right into her heart d.
Ladies and gentlemen, Love Handel!
D Oh, yeah! d.
Wait a second, you had Love Handel play your flashback?
I know people.
Really.
No, not really. I told them it was for you.
Aha… well, I've got a city to govern.
Don't let your ego hit you on the way out!
Although your family life was tough,
your social life was, how should we say, a soul-shattering void.
A painful but accurate choice of words, Norm.
At the age of five, I was forced to throw my own surprise party.
Hello, boys and… oh. Mmm… Awkward.
Ten seconds later, they confiscated the cake.
Apparently, there's a two-person minimum.
Oh! That stings!
Do you recall a young lad named Boris?
Oh, sure. Big Black Boots Boris the Bully.
He was always kicking sand in my face.
When I was in the sand box, sand! My first date, sand!
Balancing my checkbook, sand!
The beach…
Oddly enough, nothing.
But I couldn't relax because I kept waiting for it.
Well, Boris owns a car dealership now
and declined to appear on the show.
But he did send some sand!
Well, at least he cared enough to do that.
You did have one friend.
Balloony!
When I was a boy,
the smell of pork emanating from me was so bad because, uh…
Well, the reason's unimportant.
It was part of a different emotionally scarring backstory.
I'm not getting into…
Regardless, the smell of pork was so bad
that no one would come near me.
So one day, the carnival came to town and I needed money because
well, yet another backstory that, well…
Basically, my parents disowned me, I was being raised by ocelots.
The point is, I had to get a job at the carnival
but the only work was at the dunking booth
and not as the guy who got dunked, though.
I was what they threw to dunk him.
Which is, again, a whole other backstory…
OK, look, long backstory short,
I got a balloon at the carnival, I drew a face on him,
I sprayed him with special life-long-lasting spray I created,
and I named him Balloony.
He became my best friend in the whole world, yada, yada, yada.
Then one tragic day, when I was protecting our garden as a lawn gnome,
Balloony started floating away.
And then I didn't see him for a long time.
It wasn't till…
Well, there was this whole thing with an alien ship…
It was really improbable.
Well, here he is!
Oh, Balloony, I've missed you so…
Balloony!
We're just having fun with you.
That wasn't the real Balloony!
It wasn't?
No, of course not! The real Balloony popped three weeks ago.
Balloony!
And uncomfortable-transition- back-to-the-Gnome-O-Meter!
Wow!
That backstory really had some juice.
- Now, if you've finished weeping… - Norm, you monster!
- Can't you see I'm in pain? - Let's continue!
In another misguided attempt to engage in life,
you entered one of your inventions in a science fair.
That's right. It was my very first inator.
Just as I was about to demonstrate my invention to the judges,
a kid with a baking soda volcano stole the show.
The next year, I tried again with my Even-Bigger-inator.
And, again, my thunder was stolen by a baking soda volcano!
I'd had enough of science. I decided to devote my life to poetry instead.
"The movies are gray. The TV is black."
"The horses are running. Please bring me some food."
Yet, curiously, I still lost to a baking soda volcano!
And what's worse, his poetry lacked subtext entirely.
Hey, where's Perry?
Perry the Platypus, what are you do…
OK, playtime's over. Norm?
Behold the Backstory-inator!
You see, evil is born from pain and loss.
But reliving one story at a time was not getting me anywhere.
Now, with this, I can collect the liquid essence
of all my pain and suffering!
And, when it's all full, I can reinject it into myself,
making me the most powerfully evil person that has ever lived!
Then nothing can stop me from taking over the entire Tri-State Area…
Oh, there's Mama Ocelot.
Ironically, she's still more nurturing than my own mother. Ow! Quit it!
Any time now, they're going to do something big and bustable.
I just know it.
And so, Perry the Platypus,
to recap what I said mere moments ago
before I was so rudely and painfully interrupted,
once I have charged my Backstory-inator,
the tragedy of it all will be reinjected back into me
and I will be transformed into the ultimate creature of evil!
And look, we're almost there!
One more backstory should do it!
Let's see… remember the time…
Hey, Dad, can I have the keys to the car?
Oh, sure, Vanessa. Oh, no! No!
Good memories flowing!
Can't stop pleasant reminiscences!
D You were a substandard dad *
* But the only one I had… d.
Hey, sweetheart, how'd you like to take a ride on a real bike?
She's 16.
D But this piece of plastic in my hand *
* Makes me finally understand *
* Maybe you're not so bad a dad *
- d Not so bad a dad after all d - It only matters that I think he's cool.
She thinks I'm cool!
OK, Dad, if you want to hold your head and quiver some more,
that's totally OK with me, but can I have the keys?
Oh, yeah, right. Here ya go.
Have fun with your little toys.
Aw, look at the Gnome-O-Meter! We're practically starting over!
That's OK, sir, you have lots of painful history to explore!
Tell us, how did you come to America?
Well, it was when I was 16, or thereabouts.
I had stopped celebrating birthdays
at that point for, you know, obvious reasons.
And then, one day, my parents sent me out to the schtor to get some doozenkraut.
- Oh! He fell for it! - So gullible.
You know, I've always had trouble distinguishing
between a schtor and a painting of a schtor.
But it started me off on the greatest adventure of my life!
I decided to seize the day with both hands,
and a mop.
I was heading to a golden land of opportunity.
A land with a pioneering spirit which welcomed misfits like me.
But I ended up in America instead.
I just knew that I was home.
In the sense that it was familiar.
Once in America, you began the human rite of passage known as high school,
leading to one of the most embarrassing viral videos of all time.
Ugh, I thought I deleted that from everyone's memory.
D I am a superstar d.
Yeah, we've all seen this, Norm. That's enough.
But you haven't seen the digital remix.
D I am a superstar and it won't stop… d.
Oh, this is really surreal.
D I am a superstar d - Ugh.
It's creeping me out a little. I'll be honest.
D And it won't stop flushing And it won't stop flushing d.
Seriously, Norm, that's enough.
- D And it won't stop flushing d. - Stop now.
It's got ten billion hits! And there's only seven billion people on the planet.
I'm never going to live that down.
And yet, despite a serious lack of coolness,
you still managed to date a future pop star.
What? Lindana is here?
Actually, she didn't remember you!
Well, that figures. We only had the one date,
but it was eventful. It was at the Danville Drive-In.
OK, the coast is clear. You can come out now.
Ew, it's grody back here.
Well, on the bright side, you got in for free.
So we'll just split the cost of my ticket, right? Right?
You know, I could have gotten in the trunk, like, a block away
instead of when you first picked me up at my house.
Wow, you just love to live in the past, huh?
Is that, like, a thing with you?
Whatever!
Let's just try to enjoy the rest of the evening.
I am a happy robot. Likey what I hear.
I'm just kidding. That's a thing I do.
- Come on, hop in! - D That's wings *
* You turkey d.
You were listening to That's Wings, You Turkey by King of Loud.
And here's a new one from Zanzibar, What Do It Do?
Oh, turn it up! I love this song!
Eh, it's OK. I'd say it's in my top seven, eight favorite songs
about reverse engineering.
Makes me wanna be a pop star.
Yeah, right!
And I'm going to rule the world!
Well, why not?
Yeah, like I could do that.
Maybe instead of, you know, the whole world,
uh, start small with the Tri-State Area.
Hey, the movie's starting!
It was at that point you realized that the only business for you was…
I'm waiting for you to finish my sentence for me, sir.
Oh, of course. Bratwurst!
Actually, I was going to say "evil," sir.
Yes, but before I was evil, I was a bratwurst street vendor.
D Doofenshmirtz quality Bratwurst d.
How do you know when you're really lame?
When you sell bratwurst?
Wow, that seemed more painful at the time.
Aw, man! It's gonna take forever
to get the gnome back up to the top at this rate.
Hold your horses, sir.
We're just getting to… your love life!
Oh, boy.
You are the cutest thing I have ever seen!
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
You know, some people say we look alike.
Yeah, I don't think so. Not at all. No, not at all.
But when I turned the Translator-inator on…
What a loser that guy up there is.
She should dump that pink chimp and go out with a real mammal, like me.
She left me for that trash-talking, 35-ton pile of blubber.
D Evil love! *
I have never been so happy in my entire life!
Oh, Heinz…
I feel nothing.
But, but, but…
Nothing!
And do you recall this voice?
Hello, Heinz.
I have your alimony check.
Charlene.
That's right! It's your former wife, Charlene Doofenshmirtz.
Delivered in person, like you asked.
Oh! What is this, a game show set?
Is this what you spend the money on?
Well, you know, also groceries.
Well, at least it's not in my garage. Nice tux, Norm.
She's fantastic!
Norm! Let's bring out the big guns. Failed inators!
Well, at least I found the key to the…
Nice. Curse you, Perry the…
Why does everything explode so easily?
You know what I'm noticing a lot of?
I blow up more than the average guy.
Do they have blowing up insurance?
I should get some of that.
You know, if they don't have it, they should make it.
'Cause I would buy some.
Oh, baby, what an emotional workout!
And one more good trauma should send Arthur over the top!
Yeah! Hit me with your best shot!
That's just it, sir. The rest are more comical than tragic.
What?
How are we supposed to go over the…
Oh, curse you, Perry the Platypus.
And by curse you, I mean thank you!
By humiliating me,
you have inadvertently provided me
the last tragic backstory I need to put this baby over the top!
Remember two seconds ago, when you foiled my latest plan?
I do!
What?
How are we supposed to go over the…
And now…
I can feel myself getting more evil!
Feel the doom!
Nothing can stop me now!
Huh?
No!
Do you ever get tired of lugging this big tail around?
D I used to sit alone doing evil all day d.
Well, back at it, I guess.
D But now I think That someone's gonna get in my way *
* Yeah, there's someone in my life That doesn't want me to exist *
I've got an even better best friend.
It's clear to me now that my real best friend
is Perry the Pla
* Now, I hate him and he hates me *
* What a wonderful animosity *
Peter the Panda? And Perry the Platypus?
You're working together to rescue me?
D Doofy-doofy-doofy doofy-doofy-doofy… Doofenshmirtz! *
I want you to know that you are appreciated,
Perry the Platypus.
You are appreciated.
You think I'm evil, right?
Thank you, Perry the Platypus.
Thank you.
No! What have you done, Perry the Platypus?
I'm getting less evil!
Significantly so!
Darn it, I really liked that shirt.
Curse you, Perry the Platypus!
OK, so I'll see you tomorrow, right?
I'm sending you a bill for the shoes.
My boyfriend's a lawyer.
All right, Norm, let's get this place cleaned up.
Backstory all over the place.
Ugh, fine. You've bored me into submission.
1,562,972.
1,562,978! We did it!
We've stored up enough kinetic energy.
The quantum vortex should appear any second now.
Mom?