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Emerson Cod was 5 months,
3 days, and 4 hours old
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00:00:08,664 --> 00:00:10,669
when his mother planned his death.
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00:00:13,104 --> 00:00:15,388
It would be quick, painless...
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00:00:17,867 --> 00:00:20,551
Pushing Daisies - Season 02 Episode 04
"Frescorts"
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Subtitle (720p v.1.00): A²S Team
--==All-about-Subs.fr==--
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... and the easiest way
for private detective Calista Cod
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to bust a stock clerk claiming
millions in pain and suffering
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as the result
of a forklift accident.
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The firm of Cod & Cod
dedicated itself
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00:00:38,741 --> 00:00:41,580
to the pursuit of truth,
at all costs...
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a pursuit
young Emerson found "badass".
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Faced with scoundrels, cheats,
and the havoc they wreaked,
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mother and son made a vow
to never let lies come between them.
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It was a profitable decision.
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The truth is the cornerstone
of any successful relationship.
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Years later,
private investigator Emerson Cod
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was less successful
in another venture...
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aspiring pop-up book author.
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Lil' Gum Shoe was based
on the detective's childhood adventures.
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More importantly, it was a map
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designed to bring
his missing daughter back to him,
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if only he could get it published.
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"Complex plot, lack of theme,
child endangerment".
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Man, that's cold.
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So, at this moment, Emerson Cod,
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a failure at fatherhood and fiction,
decided to quit.
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Who is she?
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I don't know. She's rolled in
like a moody mean thundercloud.
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Know what you want?
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Yeah. Nothin'...
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With a side of "buzz off".
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Ma'am, sorry to bother...
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Perhaps you didn't realize
this is an eating establishment,
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not a park bench, for example,
where one can loiter and smoke, and
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not consume food
to one's heart's content.
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Got a problem?
We can take it outside.
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Oh, good.
Someone with a gun.
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Rhubarb.
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The whole pie will do.
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And, mama...
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When are you gonna treat yourself
and spring for a decent stogie?
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The next time I trail a white-collar
money launderer to Havana.
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People, I want to introduce you to
the PI who taught me everything I know.
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She's my best bud and my mama, to boot,
Calista Cod.
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Hi, I'm Ned.
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This is Chuck and Olive.
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So, Calista, what brings you
to our neck of the woods?
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Fraud case, and I've been missing
my Lil' Gum Shoe.
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Now, can we hit a bar?
I'm starving.
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Isn't she comforting...
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the brutal honesty, the sardonic wit,
and the appetite for hooch?
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I mean, add an eye patch
and Calista could be Lily.
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How are you doing with that?
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What's "that"?
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Living with the fact that the woman
you've known your whole life
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as a tied-for-first-place favorite aunt
is really your mother.
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Oh, that "that".
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I'm happy that I know
I have a mother who's alive and
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not so happy that
she can't know I'm alive.
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Suddenly, what was comforting
is giving way to sadness.
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Then I'll be your comforter.
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Consider me your king-sized duvet
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ready to wrap you
in goose-down goodness, tonight.
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I'd love to,
but I've already made plans with Olive.
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You two have been hanging out
every night since she got back.
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Not that I've been counting.
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Are you new best friends
or something?
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No. Wait... I guess we are.
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I have a new best friend.
Isn't that superb?
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The pie maker did not think so,
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for the more time Chuck spent
with her new best friend,
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the less time she had for him.
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He felt alone, but he feared
the truth would make him sound needy,
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so, instead, he lied.
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It sure is superb...
for you...
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... both.
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Want to head home, roomie?
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00:04:01,085 --> 00:04:05,021
Charlotte Charles' and Olive Snook's
decision to cohabitate was sudden,
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00:04:05,583 --> 00:04:08,468
just like Olive's earlier
decision to join a nunnery,
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where all her earthly possessions
had been given to the poor.
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It was a gesture
she had all but forgotten
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until she arrived home
with a new pet pig by her side.
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Is this my place?
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I'm moving out after having moved in,
which came organically from missing you
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and watering your plants
like you asked me to.
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Don't worry.
All this will be gone by tomorrow.
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Everything?
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I figured you'd want
to start from scratch.
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Truthfully, Olive Snook did not.
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What she wanted
was a furnished apartment.
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Scratch that.
Let's be roommates.
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Oh, no.
I couldn't impose.
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Truthfully, Charlotte Charles could.
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Like Olive Snook,
she enjoyed her things
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and the feeling of independence
they brought her.
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Although, I were to impose,
you should know that
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I'm a morning showerer,
a heavy sleeper, and a dish dryer.
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And I'm a late-night bath taker,
a snorer, and a dish scrubber.
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Welcome home!
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Is there anything bigger
we should discuss?
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You're referring to the time you made me
an unwitting drug mule for your aunts...
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00:05:02,458 --> 00:05:03,165
No.
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Good, 'cause I done roasted
that old chestnut.
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00:05:05,244 --> 00:05:08,844
And I'm also okay that you hid the fact
that one of those aunts were my mother.
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Right, just like I'm A-okay
with the fact that
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you didn't explain to me
why you faked your own death.
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- My! Look at all those bridges.
- And all that water flowing under them.
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Oh, I'm proud of us...
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We've put all on the table
and dealt with the tough stuff.
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And move right off of it.
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Chuck and Olive had simultaneous
and sneaking suspicions
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that they were fooling themselves.
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But they read each other's anxiety
as giddy excitement,
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so Olive Snook changed the subject.
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Who would've thought
they would have ever hit it off?
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Which reminds me...
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Would you mind
if I had the bed by the window?
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Absolutely...
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not.
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I knew
I should've knitted it larger.
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- Wool stretches.
- Well, not to China, sweetheart.
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Have you got a girl somewhere?
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Emerson Cod had lied to his best friend
and mother about two things.
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One, that he did have
a girl somewhere, age 7.
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Two, that he had written a book designed
to bring this girl back into his life.
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Somebody's been feeding you.
What's her name?
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- Pie maker.
- Damn!
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And damn sad me not knowing more
about what's happening in your life.
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I know we're both busy,
but it ain't right.
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Emerson Cod agreed.
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It was no longer right
to be in his mother's presence
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without coming clean
and cleaning off their cornerstone.
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His decision to share
his secrets was a noble intent.
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All right, ma, here's the dilly.
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Mr. Cod, I am in desperate need
of assistance.
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What makes you
so desperate, Miss...?
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Villanueva.
Veronica Villanueva.
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An unsolved murder...
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namely that of my best friend, Joe.
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Office is closed.
Family matter. Scram!
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Please.
I am opening my heart to you.
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Just open that blouse.
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You got a description of this Joe?
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00:06:53,986 --> 00:06:56,880
They found his body dumped
in an alleyway last night.
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He had been missing for two days.
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Joe...
He was like a brother.
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He meant everything to me.
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00:07:03,341 --> 00:07:05,645
I want yustice
at any price.
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That's our kind of yustice.
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00:07:07,788 --> 00:07:08,815
We'll be in touch.
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I'll be dental damned.
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With a girl like that,
you certainly should.
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I'm talking about a dentist,
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by the name of Dr. Eugene Halifax.
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Just came to see me this morning
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about the murder
of his best friend, Joe.
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With Miss Villanueva,
he's a cosmo-drinking shopaholic.
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- Queer.
- You bet it's odd.
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00:07:29,465 --> 00:07:32,634
Dr. Eugene has Joe as some tough guy
who's tough on plaque.
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Seems Joe was a different friend
to different people.
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Meaning both your clients.
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Gonna thank mama for getting you
paid twice to solve one murder?
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That's Joe, all right.
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Heya, folks!
What's going on?
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You're in the county morgue.
Our condolences.
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Happen to know
how you happened in here?
167
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Last thing I remember,
I was getting ready to play ball
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when suddenly there was
a doozy of a pain in my back.
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Stab wound.
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Killer stitched it up. Poorly.
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00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:04,730
Let me see.
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- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
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00:08:11,985 --> 00:08:15,590
Is it me, or is that odor strangely
reminiscent of 8th-grade biology?
174
00:08:16,595 --> 00:08:18,097
Specifically formaldehyde.
175
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The coroner must have started
embalming me already.
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Coroner don't embalm...
Just looks for the cause of death.
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Preserving happens after
and elsewhere.
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00:08:25,827 --> 00:08:27,477
- Bless you.
- No. Bless Downy.
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00:08:27,592 --> 00:08:28,895
She was my one-and-only.
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I never got a chance
to tell her how much I cared.
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Now she'll never know.
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00:08:32,805 --> 00:08:34,574
Any idea who'd want
to pickle your gherkin?
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00:08:34,604 --> 00:08:37,362
None. Wonder if it has anything to do
with my best friend.
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00:08:37,422 --> 00:08:41,616
- Which one? Veronica or Dr. Eugene?
- You know those two? Small world.
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00:08:41,875 --> 00:08:44,077
- You'll keep an eye on them for me?
- We plan to.
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00:08:45,471 --> 00:08:47,914
Looks like we got to get friendly
with a couple of best friends.
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00:08:51,860 --> 00:08:53,398
Under normal circumstances,
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00:08:53,428 --> 00:08:56,396
the PI would question
separate clients separately.
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00:08:56,426 --> 00:08:59,877
However,
the presence of one PI's PI mother
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00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:03,444
allowed him to employ
a time-saving interrogation technique,
191
00:09:03,474 --> 00:09:05,324
known as the "Kalashni-Cod".
192
00:09:05,794 --> 00:09:08,620
Like the Russian machine gun
for which it was named,
193
00:09:08,650 --> 00:09:10,400
its operation was simple.
194
00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:14,739
The scope was set, the magazine loaded,
and the trigger pulled.
195
00:09:14,769 --> 00:09:16,419
Who's Joe's best friend?
196
00:09:16,586 --> 00:09:20,138
I got it on good authority Joe's BFF
made him RIP. Who wants the title now?
197
00:09:20,208 --> 00:09:21,898
Where were you last Friday night,
girly?
198
00:09:21,958 --> 00:09:23,858
- Obsessed?
- Where'd you buy the formaldehyde?
199
00:09:23,888 --> 00:09:25,796
Did giving him the stab-stab
make you feel good?
200
00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:28,761
- I'm no suspect. I hired you.
- I think I'd like my money back.
201
00:09:28,821 --> 00:09:31,643
I don't give no damn refunds
to people who waste my time.
202
00:09:31,673 --> 00:09:34,595
When you retain my services, I expect
the facts, and I mean all of 'em.
203
00:09:34,625 --> 00:09:36,553
But looking at you two
with your averted eyes...
204
00:09:36,583 --> 00:09:38,160
- Lowered heads...
- And nibed lips,
205
00:09:38,190 --> 00:09:39,927
makes me think
you hiding something.
206
00:09:40,225 --> 00:09:41,087
What is it?
207
00:09:41,237 --> 00:09:43,172
Fine, I'll tell you the truth...
208
00:09:43,381 --> 00:09:46,049
The dirty, humiliating truth.
209
00:09:46,765 --> 00:09:48,052
Joe was a "frescort".
210
00:09:48,245 --> 00:09:50,295
It's short for "friend and escort",
211
00:09:50,825 --> 00:09:53,265
Basically a friend for hire.
You pick from the catalog.
212
00:09:53,389 --> 00:09:55,142
They become anyone
you want them to be.
213
00:09:55,291 --> 00:09:57,556
What's wrong with picking
somebody the old-fashioned way,
214
00:09:57,586 --> 00:10:00,359
walking up to them and saying,
"Hi, my name is blah-dee-blah".
215
00:10:00,389 --> 00:10:03,526
"Do you like bloo-dee-blooin'?
Me too. Let's be friends."
216
00:10:03,675 --> 00:10:04,574
But I'm shy.
217
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,071
I get why Dr. Bashful
needs a pay-a-pal.
218
00:10:07,277 --> 00:10:10,282
But back when I had a rack and
a couple of getaway sticks like yours,
219
00:10:10,692 --> 00:10:13,034
I had no trouble
making acquaintances.
220
00:10:13,144 --> 00:10:13,945
This...
221
00:10:15,455 --> 00:10:16,905
attracts all kinds.
222
00:10:17,206 --> 00:10:18,833
But no one wants to know who I am.
223
00:10:18,999 --> 00:10:22,461
Men only see me
as a score not yet scored.
224
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,002
- And the women?
- This...
225
00:10:24,032 --> 00:10:27,030
- Yeah, we got it.
- It promotes instant jealousy.
226
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,175
I was all alone,
227
00:10:28,452 --> 00:10:30,507
so I called in the professionals.
228
00:10:30,882 --> 00:10:32,795
As Emerson Cod read the words,
229
00:10:32,825 --> 00:10:35,984
he was reminded
of frescort Joe's final ones...
230
00:10:36,173 --> 00:10:39,132
That his murder
may have had to do with...
231
00:10:39,162 --> 00:10:40,830
My Best Friend, Inc.?
232
00:10:41,774 --> 00:10:43,567
All right, everybody
know what their job is?
233
00:10:43,597 --> 00:10:45,240
Olive and I are frescort wannabes.
234
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:47,504
Our mission...
To find Joe's one-and-only Downy.
235
00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:49,411
All right, good.
Meanwhile, me and the pie man
236
00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,859
are gonna have a sit-down chitty-chat
with the CEO of the company,
237
00:10:51,889 --> 00:10:54,219
see who Joe was pretend-friending
the night he died.
238
00:10:54,350 --> 00:10:55,429
Any questions?
239
00:10:56,825 --> 00:10:58,086
That was rhetorical.
240
00:10:58,274 --> 00:11:00,753
My query is not. What happened to you
and your mom working together?
241
00:11:00,783 --> 00:11:03,974
She's working on her own case, and
I might need a diversion, so, as I said,
242
00:11:04,004 --> 00:11:05,175
you with me.
243
00:11:05,244 --> 00:11:06,981
It isn't a question,
more of a suggestion.
244
00:11:07,011 --> 00:11:08,354
Merely a tiny change of plan,
245
00:11:08,384 --> 00:11:12,572
where Chuck goes undercover
with... me, for instance.
246
00:11:13,111 --> 00:11:16,297
The pie maker's intention
wasn't to make waves.
247
00:11:16,491 --> 00:11:20,141
He was just trying to spend time
with his beloved Chuck.
248
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:22,162
Yeah, sure.
249
00:11:22,192 --> 00:11:25,658
It's just that Olive and I had kind of
come up with backstories and aliases.
250
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:28,369
And a secret
incognito-partners handshake.
251
00:11:30,929 --> 00:11:32,407
Yeah, that's nice.
252
00:11:32,773 --> 00:11:34,622
Plan stays as planned.
Move out.
253
00:11:38,605 --> 00:11:41,913
Welcome to My Best Friend,
where everyone's in the in-crowd.
254
00:11:41,982 --> 00:11:43,023
I'm a PI.
255
00:11:43,254 --> 00:11:46,612
Less interested in the in-crowd
and more in the "out", as in murder.
256
00:11:46,642 --> 00:11:49,492
You're here about Joe.
Such a devastating loss.
257
00:11:50,135 --> 00:11:51,423
He was our top performer.
258
00:11:51,533 --> 00:11:53,967
That's what you peddle around here...
Performers?
259
00:11:54,036 --> 00:11:56,094
Truthfully, I'd say it's atonement.
260
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,805
Back in high school,
I was a colossal creep.
261
00:11:58,958 --> 00:12:01,289
Math geeks, male cheerleaders...
262
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:04,102
even the...
pitiful team mascot
263
00:12:04,171 --> 00:12:08,494
were just sad, pimply targets
for a varsity quarterback like myself.
264
00:12:09,939 --> 00:12:12,635
Until two blitzing linebackers
destroyed my knee.
265
00:12:12,969 --> 00:12:16,919
Suddenly I was no different
from all those nerds I put through hell.
266
00:12:17,544 --> 00:12:18,897
From that point on,
267
00:12:18,927 --> 00:12:21,745
I swore I'd use my powers for good,
268
00:12:21,814 --> 00:12:24,474
providing people, for a nominal fee,
269
00:12:24,614 --> 00:12:26,291
with what everyone deserves...
270
00:12:27,681 --> 00:12:28,731
Friendship.
271
00:12:29,069 --> 00:12:31,963
Well, judging by these digs,
your nominal fees have been adding up.
272
00:12:32,032 --> 00:12:34,369
No matter
what the modern world says about
273
00:12:34,399 --> 00:12:38,261
gadgetry bringing us closer together,
it's driven us further apart.
274
00:12:38,706 --> 00:12:40,844
We're isolated, all alone.
275
00:12:41,208 --> 00:12:45,352
But once trained, my frescorts function
as the best companions money can buy.
276
00:12:45,421 --> 00:12:47,354
Who was Joe companioning
the night he died?
277
00:12:48,456 --> 00:12:50,233
No client appointments.
278
00:12:50,263 --> 00:12:51,450
Mind if I take a gander?
279
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,534
We keep
all of our records confidential.
280
00:12:53,628 --> 00:12:55,078
Ah, the hug machine.
281
00:12:55,257 --> 00:12:56,779
Our most valuable teaching tool.
282
00:12:56,809 --> 00:12:58,657
How about a demonstration
on my associate?
283
00:12:58,726 --> 00:13:00,116
- No, thank you.
- Divert.
284
00:13:00,273 --> 00:13:01,423
Come on, you!
285
00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:05,517
See, proper hugs are a science.
286
00:13:05,709 --> 00:13:08,743
They must be platonic
but not cold,
287
00:13:09,641 --> 00:13:12,220
firm, but not painful.
288
00:13:12,823 --> 00:13:15,165
The pie maker didn't want
to be hugged by a machine.
289
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:18,345
He wanted to be hugged
by the one he was lonely for.
290
00:13:22,291 --> 00:13:25,832
But for a fleeting moment,
the pie maker's aloneness abated,
291
00:13:26,086 --> 00:13:27,627
so he closed his eyes,
292
00:13:27,888 --> 00:13:29,980
thought of Chuck, and hugged back.
293
00:13:30,049 --> 00:13:30,981
I like that.
294
00:13:31,369 --> 00:13:33,917
We'll have the models
in the gift shop for Christmas.
295
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:36,820
I'll make sure there's one
in your stocking. Come on.
296
00:13:36,889 --> 00:13:39,781
Emerson Cod
had uncovered Joe's home address
297
00:13:39,850 --> 00:13:42,909
as Chuck and Olive
addressed going undercover.
298
00:13:43,638 --> 00:13:45,040
Barb? Hi.
299
00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:48,069
My name is Kitty Pimms,
and this is Patty Boots.
300
00:13:48,099 --> 00:13:51,751
We're two highly motivated candidates
ready to befriend the sad and lonely.
301
00:13:51,781 --> 00:13:52,551
For pay.
302
00:13:52,829 --> 00:13:54,713
Kitty Pimms, Patty Boots.
303
00:13:54,896 --> 00:13:56,854
What wonderfully rhythmic names.
304
00:13:56,884 --> 00:13:58,968
They just scream "Good humor"
and "Bonhomie"!
305
00:13:59,115 --> 00:14:02,053
Now, can you f-f-f-fake it real?
306
00:14:02,465 --> 00:14:03,847
Wh-wh-wh-what?
307
00:14:04,063 --> 00:14:06,057
W-w-were you making fun
of my stuttering?
308
00:14:06,168 --> 00:14:08,572
- No, I was just...
- I don't stutter, but if I did,
309
00:14:08,602 --> 00:14:11,248
what you did would subtly
put me at ease by saying,
310
00:14:11,278 --> 00:14:15,369
"Hey, you're okay.
I'm okay. We're okay."
311
00:14:15,567 --> 00:14:16,317
M-kay?
312
00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:18,194
Now, back to "fake it real".
313
00:14:18,427 --> 00:14:21,153
On any given day,
clients are gonna depend on you
314
00:14:21,183 --> 00:14:25,493
to summon up every feeling in the book,
even if you're not feeling it.
315
00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:26,870
Show me happy.
316
00:14:27,764 --> 00:14:28,702
Sad.
317
00:14:28,857 --> 00:14:29,757
Surprise.
318
00:14:29,891 --> 00:14:30,953
Consternation.
319
00:14:30,983 --> 00:14:31,965
Constipation.
320
00:14:32,515 --> 00:14:33,877
You know what I'm showing you?
321
00:14:33,946 --> 00:14:36,838
Heck, yeah!
We are getting you into training asap!
322
00:14:38,391 --> 00:14:41,639
Except I heard this job
can be kind of dangerous.
323
00:14:41,669 --> 00:14:42,976
You are referring to Joe.
324
00:14:43,218 --> 00:14:44,721
It's so horrible.
325
00:14:44,790 --> 00:14:46,131
Did you know him?
326
00:14:46,250 --> 00:14:49,642
Just by name.
Frescorts are forbidden to fraternize.
327
00:14:49,753 --> 00:14:53,229
You two are friends, aren't you?
Don't answer. I can tell.
328
00:14:53,259 --> 00:14:54,714
Thing is, you're awesome,
329
00:14:54,744 --> 00:14:58,345
and I only want to bring the best people
into this organization, so...
330
00:14:59,998 --> 00:15:02,280
We'll just keep things
on the QT, okay?
331
00:15:02,529 --> 00:15:03,782
We won't even carpool.
332
00:15:03,968 --> 00:15:06,781
At that moment,
another carpool had landed
333
00:15:06,811 --> 00:15:08,859
at the apartment
of a murder victim.
334
00:15:08,889 --> 00:15:12,865
Frescorts ain't nothing but a bunch
of cons hiding behind good intentions.
335
00:15:12,895 --> 00:15:14,250
My experience:
336
00:15:14,624 --> 00:15:16,928
people don't appreciate
being conned,
337
00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:20,469
even when they're pathetic losers
who signed up for it in the first place.
338
00:15:20,499 --> 00:15:22,729
We're gonna go in Joe's place
and find that list,
339
00:15:22,759 --> 00:15:24,886
see which one of his clients
did him in.
340
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:28,175
Why are they pathetic losers?
'Cause they're alone?
341
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,558
Because they're paying
for something that's free.
342
00:15:30,669 --> 00:15:33,139
There's nothing wrong
with needing a little extra help.
343
00:15:33,169 --> 00:15:35,980
No one thinks twice if a person with
a wobbly backhand hires a tennis coach.
344
00:15:36,049 --> 00:15:38,691
And I'm guessing you have no clue
how to bake a rhubarb custard pie.
345
00:15:38,761 --> 00:15:40,819
But do I call you pathetic
for paying me to do it?
346
00:15:40,879 --> 00:15:42,625
You've had
a best friend since birth.
347
00:15:42,655 --> 00:15:44,239
Not all of us have been that lucky.
348
00:15:44,599 --> 00:15:47,242
Yeah, well.
Don't be too jealous of my luck.
349
00:15:47,311 --> 00:15:49,494
Ain't but one sorry leaf
hanging off that clover.
350
00:15:49,912 --> 00:15:52,485
You know, mom and me ain't supposed
to have no lies between us.
351
00:15:52,515 --> 00:15:54,141
Well, technically, I never lied,
352
00:15:54,171 --> 00:15:56,000
but I also never told her
I have a daughter.
353
00:15:56,111 --> 00:15:58,044
Most mothers would consider that
splitting hairs.
354
00:15:58,155 --> 00:16:01,506
She spent her whole life
teaching me how to collar cons.
355
00:16:02,415 --> 00:16:06,094
I guess I'm just embarrassed
to have her know that my ex conned me.
356
00:16:06,588 --> 00:16:07,938
But you know what?
357
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,218
I'm chucking my chagrin overboard.
358
00:16:10,479 --> 00:16:11,808
I'm letting loose the truth.
359
00:16:12,410 --> 00:16:13,210
Yep!
360
00:16:14,486 --> 00:16:16,352
I'm gonna sit mama down...
361
00:16:18,128 --> 00:16:21,317
take a deep breath,
and look her straight in the...
362
00:16:27,151 --> 00:16:29,666
What's the matter?
Cat got your eye?
363
00:16:30,622 --> 00:16:32,272
Sorry.
It's just glass.
364
00:16:32,697 --> 00:16:34,796
Yeah, it's for a sculpture
that I'm working on.
365
00:16:34,962 --> 00:16:37,132
We're private investigators
looking into a murder.
366
00:16:39,305 --> 00:16:40,755
Joe was my roommate.
367
00:16:41,649 --> 00:16:43,499
What's your name, roommate?
368
00:16:43,855 --> 00:16:44,905
Randy Mann.
369
00:16:45,311 --> 00:16:47,642
I got some knee-slappers about that.
You want to hear?
370
00:16:49,127 --> 00:16:51,438
In the face of tragedy,
I try to keep things light.
371
00:16:51,772 --> 00:16:54,552
It's just weird,
not having him around anymore.
372
00:16:55,119 --> 00:16:56,860
Joe had such a big personality.
373
00:16:56,926 --> 00:16:58,743
It's tough.
You share your life with someone,
374
00:16:58,773 --> 00:17:01,239
and suddenly there's an abyss
where a person always was before.
375
00:17:01,306 --> 00:17:03,784
- You lost a roommate, too?
- And girlfriend. Same person.
376
00:17:03,850 --> 00:17:06,709
- Your roommate/girlfriend died?
- Yeah.
377
00:17:07,687 --> 00:17:09,732
I mean, no.
She moved out.
378
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:11,833
Sorry. Doesn't compare.
Not even remotely.
379
00:17:12,091 --> 00:17:14,441
You're not completely alone, though.
380
00:17:15,486 --> 00:17:17,839
- A golden retriever, right?
- Yeah...
381
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:20,967
Digby, who would be a source
of comfort if he didn't prefer living
382
00:17:21,034 --> 00:17:24,304
with my girlfriend,
her new besty, and their pig.
383
00:17:27,248 --> 00:17:29,559
You aware that Joe worked
as a friend-for-hire, Mann?
384
00:17:29,626 --> 00:17:33,050
Well, I thought he was a tutor
to special folks or some like that.
385
00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:35,368
Know who he was with
the night he died?
386
00:17:35,398 --> 00:17:36,986
Sure don't, pal.
387
00:17:37,662 --> 00:17:39,945
Wait.
Where do you think you're going?
388
00:17:40,053 --> 00:17:41,988
Bedrooms are back here?
I just want to see Joe's.
389
00:17:42,055 --> 00:17:45,106
Wish you could, but you can't.
See, I'm late for something.
390
00:17:45,136 --> 00:17:46,993
But seriously, come back anytime.
391
00:18:00,154 --> 00:18:01,716
Randy's a nutjob's name.
392
00:18:01,783 --> 00:18:04,344
Randy's also a fun guy's name.
You can grab a beer with Randy,
393
00:18:04,598 --> 00:18:06,924
grill a brat with Randy,
pick up chicks with Randy.
394
00:18:06,954 --> 00:18:09,182
And help stuff them into
Randy's freezer with Randy.
395
00:18:09,250 --> 00:18:11,184
Can you be a little nice?
His roommate died.
396
00:18:11,251 --> 00:18:13,553
Did you see how nice and crazy
behind the eyes he got
397
00:18:13,583 --> 00:18:15,772
when I tried to get into that back room?
What's he hiding?
398
00:18:15,802 --> 00:18:17,482
I've never seen your back room.
399
00:18:17,549 --> 00:18:20,154
- I've never seen your front room.
- I've never seen your front door.
400
00:18:20,184 --> 00:18:21,218
Where do you live?
401
00:18:21,248 --> 00:18:23,786
- Your son's very secretive.
- Well, he didn't get it from me.
402
00:18:23,846 --> 00:18:25,574
My heezy
ain't none of y'all's beezy.
403
00:18:25,683 --> 00:18:26,881
Randy Mann is shady,
404
00:18:26,911 --> 00:18:30,444
and I'm gonna get back into his house
as soon as I get him to take that bait.
405
00:18:30,474 --> 00:18:32,829
- Meanwhile, what do you got?
- Still no news on Downy,
406
00:18:32,859 --> 00:18:36,023
and since company policy
dictates that frescorts can't date,
407
00:18:36,053 --> 00:18:37,335
it may even be a dead end.
408
00:18:37,402 --> 00:18:39,296
- Hiya, Ned!
- Hiya, bait.
409
00:18:39,362 --> 00:18:42,507
I found your free cooking-class coupon,
so I brought along offal.
410
00:18:42,716 --> 00:18:44,593
- "Awful"?
- Offal. O-f-f-a-l.
411
00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:46,842
Animal organs and innards
for meat pie.
412
00:18:46,872 --> 00:18:49,418
Yeah, so "awful", like this idea.
413
00:18:49,448 --> 00:18:51,558
I'm not leaving Ned alone
with back-room Randy.
414
00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:54,686
This place is full of freezers,
perfect for body-stuffing.
415
00:18:54,753 --> 00:18:57,903
It's also full of customers.
Hey, come on in, Randy!
416
00:18:59,141 --> 00:19:01,448
All right, girls number 1 and 2,
get to frescorting.
417
00:19:01,803 --> 00:19:04,758
- All right, ma, let's go.
- My target's on the move.
418
00:19:05,408 --> 00:19:06,869
Well, can't it wait?
419
00:19:06,899 --> 00:19:09,097
I thought we were gonna get a chance
to catch up and talk
420
00:19:09,127 --> 00:19:10,906
while we were tossing
that apartment.
421
00:19:11,188 --> 00:19:14,063
Darling, you know what it is
to be married to the job.
422
00:19:14,726 --> 00:19:17,076
We'll have time
for talking tomorrow.
423
00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:20,822
The weight of the untruths about
his missing daughter grew heavier.
424
00:19:20,852 --> 00:19:24,992
So heavy, that he felt he'd soon
be crushed beneath them.
425
00:19:25,022 --> 00:19:28,536
And so he entered the apartment
of a suspected killer
426
00:19:28,597 --> 00:19:30,742
with a different death
on his mind.
427
00:19:30,772 --> 00:19:33,222
That of his
and his mother's friendship.
428
00:19:34,135 --> 00:19:36,618
"Tutor of some sort", my glue stick.
429
00:19:45,995 --> 00:19:46,845
Freeze!
430
00:19:58,914 --> 00:20:01,736
Holy Noah's
nutty-as-a-fruitcake ark.
431
00:20:10,714 --> 00:20:13,157
But the menagerie
of taxidermied animals
432
00:20:13,187 --> 00:20:16,559
would not be the nuttiest thing
Emerson Cod would find.
433
00:20:28,010 --> 00:20:30,303
- Aren't you gonna chow down?
- I'm a vegetarian.
434
00:20:30,364 --> 00:20:31,866
This stuff will make you strong.
435
00:20:32,121 --> 00:20:34,432
Gobbling gizzards makes muscles.
436
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,686
At least,
that's what my ma used to say.
437
00:20:38,944 --> 00:20:41,049
- Why?
- I had loose ligaments as a kid...
438
00:20:41,414 --> 00:20:44,561
Always falling, bruising my tailbone,
bumping my head.
439
00:20:44,591 --> 00:20:46,945
A total disaster,
especially at sports.
440
00:20:47,027 --> 00:20:49,342
All the kids at school made fun,
but I didn't care.
441
00:20:49,697 --> 00:20:51,337
I just played with my pets,
442
00:20:51,704 --> 00:20:54,109
'cause pets are cool with you,
no matter what...
443
00:20:55,363 --> 00:20:57,247
Like your dog.
Digby, right?
444
00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:01,933
He digs you just the way you are.
Forever will, too!
445
00:21:02,195 --> 00:21:04,478
I got to stop going on
about stuff like this.
446
00:21:04,637 --> 00:21:06,541
It makes me seem like a weirdo.
447
00:21:06,571 --> 00:21:09,884
However, the pie maker
did not see a weirdo.
448
00:21:09,966 --> 00:21:11,758
I didn't have any friends
at school, either.
449
00:21:11,987 --> 00:21:14,643
Talk about a disaster at sports,
they wouldn't even give me gym clothes.
450
00:21:14,673 --> 00:21:16,598
Instead, I'd sneak off
on my own and bake pies.
451
00:21:16,681 --> 00:21:18,476
That's how I got started
in my hobby, too.
452
00:21:18,573 --> 00:21:22,397
I don't usually share it with people but
the minute we met, I knew you'd be okay.
453
00:21:22,954 --> 00:21:25,331
So I brought it alone
and hid it out back.
454
00:21:25,468 --> 00:21:27,485
- You want to see?
- Sure.
455
00:21:31,825 --> 00:21:32,620
Digby!
456
00:21:35,909 --> 00:21:36,825
Listen.
457
00:21:37,138 --> 00:21:39,789
- He's singing "American pie" for you.
- You killed my dog?
458
00:21:39,850 --> 00:21:42,042
No, no, no.
That's Butterscotch, my dog.
459
00:21:42,124 --> 00:21:43,710
You said your golden retriever was
460
00:21:43,792 --> 00:21:45,982
staying with someone else,
so I thought I'd lend you mine.
461
00:21:46,012 --> 00:21:47,680
He's been my best friend
since I was 5.
462
00:21:47,710 --> 00:21:49,106
This is how you repay him?
463
00:21:49,136 --> 00:21:52,302
If you had the chance to hold on to
someone you loved after he or she died,
464
00:21:52,332 --> 00:21:55,888
- wouldn't you?
- In fact, the pie maker had... twice.
465
00:21:55,971 --> 00:21:57,265
But instead he said...
466
00:21:57,347 --> 00:21:58,350
Please leave.
467
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:03,547
I thought
we had something in common.
468
00:22:03,577 --> 00:22:05,711
You're a sick man, Randy Mann.
469
00:22:05,994 --> 00:22:09,111
Stuffing all them critters
and then posing them in twisted ways.
470
00:22:09,141 --> 00:22:11,976
Well, that's... That's why I don't
ever tell people about it.
471
00:22:12,170 --> 00:22:13,308
They don't understand.
472
00:22:13,338 --> 00:22:14,932
You don't think
it's twisted, do you?
473
00:22:14,962 --> 00:22:16,865
'Course he does.
He was here babysitting while
474
00:22:16,895 --> 00:22:18,912
I was gathering evidence
against your murdering ass.
475
00:22:18,994 --> 00:22:20,975
- Liar. Liar!
- Your pants on fire.
476
00:22:21,570 --> 00:22:23,478
You weren't Joe's roommate.
You were his client.
477
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:24,960
Why'd I tell you about that?
478
00:22:25,020 --> 00:22:27,597
It's embarrassing, having
to pay someone to hang out with you.
479
00:22:27,627 --> 00:22:30,359
Even more humiliating
to have your frescort repo'ed.
480
00:22:30,389 --> 00:22:32,762
That must've been the final straw
before you offered Joe.
481
00:22:32,792 --> 00:22:34,300
I offered him a deal...
482
00:22:34,486 --> 00:22:36,360
To be my roommate rent-free.
483
00:22:36,390 --> 00:22:39,799
He agreed.
He said it'd be like a real friendship.
484
00:22:39,829 --> 00:22:41,946
Is that why you kept a piece of him?
485
00:22:42,015 --> 00:22:44,821
Joe's appendix,
floating in formaldehyde.
486
00:22:44,851 --> 00:22:45,601
Oh, god.
487
00:22:45,631 --> 00:22:47,023
Except you found out real quick
488
00:22:47,053 --> 00:22:48,846
preserving a human's
tougher than chipmunks,
489
00:22:48,876 --> 00:22:51,926
- so you had to dump the body.
- That appendix is mine, formerly Joe's.
490
00:22:51,956 --> 00:22:53,617
He gave it to me as a joke
491
00:22:53,647 --> 00:22:56,705
and to thank me for taking him
to the hospital when it burst.
492
00:22:56,927 --> 00:22:59,651
Check his medical records
or ask his girlfriend.
493
00:22:59,681 --> 00:23:01,747
- He must've told her about it.
- What's her name?
494
00:23:01,808 --> 00:23:03,643
I don't know,
but it was someone at work.
495
00:23:03,725 --> 00:23:05,286
Must've been serious, though.
496
00:23:05,594 --> 00:23:07,586
Joe was even gonna quit
so they could be together.
497
00:23:13,764 --> 00:23:16,237
So, Ned just paged me
at the welcome desk,
498
00:23:16,267 --> 00:23:18,552
and he said there is no doubt
there is a Downy among us.
499
00:23:18,582 --> 00:23:20,307
Okay, I'll nose through my
500
00:23:20,388 --> 00:23:23,018
"How to flatter and reassure
the profoundly ugly" symposium.
501
00:23:23,099 --> 00:23:24,741
I've got
a "CD mixes that matter" lab
502
00:23:24,771 --> 00:23:26,676
in 5 minutes, so maybe
someone there will know.
503
00:23:26,706 --> 00:23:27,522
"Kinship".
504
00:23:28,012 --> 00:23:31,215
Anyone know another word for it?
I'm afraid there's a Q involved.
505
00:23:31,644 --> 00:23:33,214
- Propinquity.
- Nice.
506
00:23:33,574 --> 00:23:34,400
Okay.
507
00:23:34,709 --> 00:23:35,743
Give me another.
508
00:23:36,751 --> 00:23:38,553
4-across is "Gelding".
509
00:23:38,583 --> 00:23:39,817
Thanks, but...
510
00:23:40,435 --> 00:23:41,927
I don't do the acrosses.
511
00:23:41,957 --> 00:23:43,309
- I only do the...
- Downs.
512
00:23:44,455 --> 00:23:46,019
Barb, you're Downy.
513
00:23:46,375 --> 00:23:47,926
- No, I'm not.
- You sure aren't...
514
00:23:47,956 --> 00:23:49,731
f-f-faking anything to the contrary.
515
00:23:51,612 --> 00:23:52,506
Okay.
516
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:54,690
Okay.
517
00:23:55,083 --> 00:23:56,083
It's okay.
518
00:23:56,207 --> 00:23:57,998
We're just trying to help.
519
00:23:58,028 --> 00:24:00,263
Is Downy
a nickname that Joe gave you?
520
00:24:00,345 --> 00:24:01,492
- Tissue.
- What?
521
00:24:01,522 --> 00:24:02,806
- Tissue!
- Tissue.
522
00:24:02,836 --> 00:24:04,960
I can't reach that.
I just...
523
00:24:09,291 --> 00:24:10,571
Barb, don't!
524
00:24:10,913 --> 00:24:12,312
Fake that, bitches!
525
00:24:17,406 --> 00:24:18,285
Crap.
526
00:24:33,321 --> 00:24:34,861
Hell, no.
527
00:24:37,548 --> 00:24:38,825
- Mama.
- Yes, dear?
528
00:24:38,855 --> 00:24:40,673
- I can't breathe.
- Yeah?
529
00:24:40,703 --> 00:24:43,990
I gave you breath.
And this is the thanks I get?
530
00:24:44,777 --> 00:24:45,993
The facts were these...
531
00:24:47,864 --> 00:24:50,982
Missy Scrivner,
editorial assistant at Book'em Books,
532
00:24:51,012 --> 00:24:53,646
oversaw
all rejected manuscript letters.
533
00:24:54,211 --> 00:24:57,988
Underbite surgery had left
the girl shackled to a liquid diet,
534
00:24:58,018 --> 00:25:01,923
which found its way onto
the rejection letter of one Emerson Cod.
535
00:25:02,258 --> 00:25:05,107
Unable to decipher anything
but the words "E"
536
00:25:05,137 --> 00:25:07,912
and "Cod", Missy phoned
directory assistance.
537
00:25:07,942 --> 00:25:10,718
Mistaking her garbled "E" for a "C",
538
00:25:10,748 --> 00:25:13,146
the operator gave
the address of Calista,
539
00:25:13,176 --> 00:25:17,135
who read the critiques
and assumed her son's secret book was...
540
00:25:17,165 --> 00:25:21,030
A thinly disguised tell-all to show the
world what kind of horrible mother I am!
541
00:25:21,106 --> 00:25:22,615
No. Did you even read it?
542
00:25:22,691 --> 00:25:25,300
Didn't have to.
The cover screams "Smear campaign".
543
00:25:25,330 --> 00:25:28,379
And what's with the main character being
a girl? You saying I turned you gay?
544
00:25:28,409 --> 00:25:30,550
I ain't gay and
this ain't about you!
545
00:25:30,580 --> 00:25:31,749
It's about my daughter!
546
00:25:32,319 --> 00:25:33,396
What daughter?
547
00:25:33,582 --> 00:25:34,693
She's 7.
548
00:25:35,375 --> 00:25:37,458
Her mama ran off with her
when she was a baby.
549
00:25:37,644 --> 00:25:40,273
I've been looking for her ever since,
with no luck.
550
00:25:40,836 --> 00:25:43,616
And that's why I finally
wrote Lil' Gum Shoe.
551
00:25:43,646 --> 00:25:45,638
To help her have a way to find me.
552
00:25:49,396 --> 00:25:50,748
Why didn't you tell me?
553
00:25:50,898 --> 00:25:52,451
I didn't even tell my friends.
554
00:25:52,692 --> 00:25:54,522
Well, I'm not your friend.
I'm your mother.
555
00:25:54,748 --> 00:25:55,948
Oh, now you're my mum.
556
00:25:55,978 --> 00:25:58,584
- What's that mumbles?
- I said...
557
00:25:58,899 --> 00:26:02,052
You only say stuff like that when you
want me to feel guilty about something.
558
00:26:02,082 --> 00:26:05,224
Well, since you switched back to
mama mode, I guess I can roll with that.
559
00:26:05,254 --> 00:26:06,803
So, tell me, mama...
560
00:26:06,833 --> 00:26:08,809
What kind of mother
spies on her own son?
561
00:26:08,839 --> 00:26:10,552
It's not like I wanted to.
562
00:26:11,101 --> 00:26:11,977
Damn.
563
00:26:12,171 --> 00:26:13,510
That's shrewd, woman.
564
00:26:13,959 --> 00:26:15,786
You faked a fraud case.
565
00:26:16,398 --> 00:26:18,045
You set off your own beeper.
566
00:26:18,775 --> 00:26:23,113
You even made sure I took two clients
at once so I'd be doubly busy.
567
00:26:23,712 --> 00:26:26,402
All so you could poke
around in my personal life.
568
00:26:27,462 --> 00:26:29,265
You know
what the sad thing is, mama?
569
00:26:29,551 --> 00:26:31,651
I was gonna tell you everything.
570
00:26:33,719 --> 00:26:35,688
What kind of fool
do you take me for?
571
00:26:37,890 --> 00:26:39,776
Are you saying you don't believe me?
572
00:26:42,341 --> 00:26:45,747
Well, I guess there's nothing else
for you and me to talk about, then.
573
00:26:47,406 --> 00:26:49,425
Chuck and Olive
haven't checked in yet.
574
00:26:49,694 --> 00:26:54,120
It's like we're trapped in a sachet
in a panty drawer of a dead shut-in
575
00:26:54,150 --> 00:26:55,914
who was shut in her bedroom
by her cat,
576
00:26:55,944 --> 00:26:58,479
so that it wouldn't have
to smell the stench of freesia.
577
00:26:59,876 --> 00:27:01,814
- Can't you smell it?
- Yep.
578
00:27:02,109 --> 00:27:04,565
That would be
my freesia hair detangler
579
00:27:04,626 --> 00:27:07,303
that you said
smells amazing yesterday.
580
00:27:07,530 --> 00:27:08,597
Wish I hadn't, now!
581
00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:10,790
Wish I hadn't told you those
capris made you look taller!
582
00:27:10,820 --> 00:27:11,598
Liar!
583
00:27:11,850 --> 00:27:14,961
No, I'm a truth-ar,
because I came clean unprompted,
584
00:27:14,991 --> 00:27:17,438
whereas you only admitted
to lying because you got caught.
585
00:27:17,721 --> 00:27:19,398
Here comes
the center of the universe
586
00:27:19,474 --> 00:27:21,933
pulling us all
into her gravitational orbit of blame.
587
00:27:22,355 --> 00:27:24,054
Oh, well, F.Y.I....
588
00:27:24,361 --> 00:27:26,826
There is no center of the universe,
because our universe
589
00:27:26,980 --> 00:27:28,242
is forever expanding.
590
00:27:28,801 --> 00:27:30,119
Like your neediness.
591
00:27:30,372 --> 00:27:31,925
"Wah, respect my feelings."
592
00:27:32,005 --> 00:27:33,538
"Wah, don't fence me in."
593
00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:35,407
"Wah, don't treat me like I'm dead."
594
00:27:35,437 --> 00:27:38,537
Well, if you're so dead,
how can you be so needy?
595
00:27:38,567 --> 00:27:40,440
Oh, right... You're selfish!
596
00:27:40,632 --> 00:27:42,081
I am selfish?
597
00:27:42,111 --> 00:27:44,834
I've just shared with you
every single thing that I own.
598
00:27:44,864 --> 00:27:46,571
Big whoop!
Secondhand stuff.
599
00:27:46,601 --> 00:27:50,172
Oh, so that's what you're angry about,
the one thing I won't share... Ned.
600
00:27:50,202 --> 00:27:51,599
I can't believe you said that.
601
00:27:51,629 --> 00:27:54,682
Don't shrug at me in the dark,
Charlotte Charles. That was a low blow!
602
00:27:55,050 --> 00:27:57,868
What do you expect me to do?
I'm in a no-win situation here.
603
00:27:58,069 --> 00:28:00,699
I can't talk to you
about it because that'd be insensitive.
604
00:28:00,729 --> 00:28:03,659
I can't talk to Ned about it
because he's done nothing wrong.
605
00:28:03,689 --> 00:28:04,593
I mean,
606
00:28:04,623 --> 00:28:07,709
if I were to have a nickel for every
single time the three of us are together
607
00:28:07,739 --> 00:28:10,950
and unexpectedly, accidentally,
I catch you looking at him...
608
00:28:11,025 --> 00:28:13,341
No. Stop talking. Stop talking.
Help! Help us!
609
00:28:13,402 --> 00:28:15,368
- Anyone, help!
- And you have this little, sad,
610
00:28:15,398 --> 00:28:17,137
pining look on your face of...
611
00:28:17,167 --> 00:28:19,791
"Oh, Ned. Why can't you love me?"
612
00:28:19,821 --> 00:28:23,441
And then I feel like a complete jerk
for being in love with my own boyfriend.
613
00:28:23,471 --> 00:28:26,397
Yeah, a boyfriend you don't touch.
614
00:28:26,457 --> 00:28:30,067
- I told you... We can't!
- That doesn't make any sense!
615
00:28:31,366 --> 00:28:32,638
I'm going home!
616
00:28:33,195 --> 00:28:34,437
To my home!
617
00:28:35,051 --> 00:28:36,039
What happened?
618
00:28:36,069 --> 00:28:37,146
Roommate squabble,
619
00:28:37,176 --> 00:28:40,173
brought on by the suspicious actions
of Barb, a.k.a. Downy,
620
00:28:40,203 --> 00:28:41,881
who is definitely
a person of interest.
621
00:28:41,911 --> 00:28:43,270
Got a name and address on her?
622
00:28:43,300 --> 00:28:46,371
No, but I know where I can get one...
Buddy's office.
623
00:28:47,696 --> 00:28:49,194
Oh, no! Barb!
624
00:28:54,236 --> 00:28:56,541
Oh, good,
Kitty, you got out of the locker.
625
00:28:56,571 --> 00:28:58,294
Sorry. I thought
you're gonna tell on me.
626
00:28:58,324 --> 00:29:00,413
- For what, killing Joe?
- No, for dating him.
627
00:29:00,443 --> 00:29:04,089
See, I didn't want to get fired.
This job's the only pl...
628
00:29:05,289 --> 00:29:06,464
Her lungs are crushed.
629
00:29:06,540 --> 00:29:07,897
Who knows CPR?
630
00:29:08,104 --> 00:29:08,954
I do.
631
00:29:12,404 --> 00:29:13,544
Oh, good idea.
632
00:29:13,605 --> 00:29:15,797
Okay, breathe, breathe...
633
00:29:18,188 --> 00:29:19,886
The only place
my relentless positivity
634
00:29:19,916 --> 00:29:22,162
and encyclopedic knowledge
of hair braiding meant something.
635
00:29:22,192 --> 00:29:25,225
I couldn't hurt Joe. When he was around,
I could be my true self.
636
00:29:25,255 --> 00:29:28,028
Only now I'll never know if it was
just our mutual passion for crosswords
637
00:29:28,222 --> 00:29:30,499
that brought us together
or if he felt the same way.
638
00:29:30,572 --> 00:29:33,557
You were his one-and-only. He was about
to leave the company for you.
639
00:29:33,587 --> 00:29:35,978
He said he had something
important to tell me.
640
00:29:36,008 --> 00:29:38,334
The night he died,
I waited for his call, but
641
00:29:38,364 --> 00:29:40,357
he never made it back
from his frescorting gig.
642
00:29:40,387 --> 00:29:42,129
Wait a minute.
Joe didn't work that night.
643
00:29:42,159 --> 00:29:43,782
He was moonlighting
a sports date.
644
00:29:43,843 --> 00:29:45,236
Who with?
645
00:29:45,266 --> 00:29:47,481
Joe never said,
but the guy sounded tragic.
646
00:29:47,567 --> 00:29:49,817
Two years of playing ball,
and he was still a spaz.
647
00:29:49,902 --> 00:29:52,052
Some clients simply lack
the jock gene.
648
00:29:52,082 --> 00:29:53,778
Buddy calls them bleacher leechers.
649
00:29:53,865 --> 00:29:56,052
Yeah, skip to the part
where you become the main squeeze.
650
00:29:56,159 --> 00:30:00,177
I was having a meltdown, came in for
a hug, pretended those arms were Joe's.
651
00:30:00,329 --> 00:30:03,414
That's when the dial
got turned to 11 by the Spartan.
652
00:30:03,894 --> 00:30:05,954
I tried to fight...
grabbed this from his helmet.
653
00:30:05,984 --> 00:30:07,442
You did good, Barb.
654
00:30:09,536 --> 00:30:12,113
There's no Spartan running around,
killing the popular kids.
655
00:30:12,143 --> 00:30:13,615
This ain't Thermopylae High.
656
00:30:13,645 --> 00:30:16,943
Right. It's Spartanburg West
and Buddy's team mascot.
657
00:30:16,973 --> 00:30:19,054
Great. How are we gonna find out
who that was?
658
00:30:19,084 --> 00:30:21,138
I'm having
the most unfortunate of hunches.
659
00:30:21,367 --> 00:30:24,526
Randy was an uncoordinated
bleacher leecher.
660
00:30:24,930 --> 00:30:27,186
He told me the kids at school
teased him mercilessly for it.
661
00:30:27,314 --> 00:30:30,053
Yeah, and maybe one of those kids
was varsity quarterback
662
00:30:30,083 --> 00:30:33,134
and self-proclaimed
dork menacer Buddy Amicus.
663
00:30:33,212 --> 00:30:34,951
Detective Cod,
what are you doing here?
664
00:30:34,981 --> 00:30:36,988
We're one step closer
to finding Joe's killer.
665
00:30:37,075 --> 00:30:38,574
- With Kitty?
- Kitty's with me.
666
00:30:38,659 --> 00:30:40,576
- What's wrong with Barb?
- Oh, she's dead...
667
00:30:40,661 --> 00:30:43,335
- Thanks to your happy-hug machine.
- Not Barb.
668
00:30:43,929 --> 00:30:47,081
Sweet, adorable, conciliatory Barb?
669
00:30:47,168 --> 00:30:49,054
Who could do something so horrible?
670
00:30:49,253 --> 00:30:51,503
Does the name
Randy Mann ring a bell?
671
00:30:51,990 --> 00:30:54,366
- Should it?
- We think he's your old school mascot.
672
00:30:54,396 --> 00:30:56,304
The Spartan you tangled with
back in the day...
673
00:30:56,334 --> 00:30:57,800
He's back, and he's pissed.
674
00:30:57,887 --> 00:31:00,262
Do you happen to have
a high-school yearbook?
675
00:31:01,407 --> 00:31:03,557
- Thank you.
- I have to evacuate the building.
676
00:31:03,643 --> 00:31:06,628
Someone call the police,
tell them there's a vindictive person
677
00:31:06,658 --> 00:31:08,436
with low self-esteem on the loose.
678
00:31:08,523 --> 00:31:10,104
There's no Randy Mann listed.
679
00:31:10,275 --> 00:31:11,772
Maybe he's using an alias.
680
00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:13,734
- The phone's dead.
- Help!
681
00:31:13,820 --> 00:31:15,406
He got Buddy. Let's move.
682
00:31:16,782 --> 00:31:17,929
Oh! Watch out!
683
00:31:23,328 --> 00:31:24,610
- That was close.
- Yeah.
684
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:28,050
Last thing we need
is another dead body on our hands.
685
00:31:30,586 --> 00:31:31,930
Too late for that.
686
00:31:33,673 --> 00:31:35,310
Well, hello!
687
00:31:35,472 --> 00:31:37,582
This is a surprise.
For you, too, I'm sure.
688
00:31:37,812 --> 00:31:39,772
We're having a little trouble
getting a good look,
689
00:31:39,802 --> 00:31:41,478
there's a mannequin face over yours.
690
00:31:41,508 --> 00:31:43,484
Maybe if you took off your helmet?
691
00:31:44,833 --> 00:31:46,191
Helmet on!
692
00:31:46,351 --> 00:31:49,653
Sorry about that. We weren't expecting
such a leathery, mummy-like...
693
00:31:49,942 --> 00:31:52,783
Can you speak? We would
really like to know who you are.
694
00:31:54,152 --> 00:31:55,982
You're Spartanburg West quarterback.
695
00:31:56,012 --> 00:31:57,494
Can you show us?
696
00:31:57,905 --> 00:32:00,080
Ares Kostopolous.
697
00:32:00,244 --> 00:32:01,903
You were a hottie.
698
00:32:01,933 --> 00:32:03,524
But Buddy was the quarterback.
699
00:32:04,406 --> 00:32:06,730
Buddy...
Buddy was the Spartan mascot.
700
00:32:08,701 --> 00:32:09,923
Buddy killed you, too!
701
00:32:11,902 --> 00:32:13,385
The Buddy Amicus legend of being
702
00:32:13,415 --> 00:32:15,253
a high-school golden boy
is a complete lie.
703
00:32:15,283 --> 00:32:18,856
And a total horror show. What kind
of person holds on to a dead body?
704
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:21,226
The kind that wants
to preserve a friendship.
705
00:32:23,006 --> 00:32:24,483
The facts were these...
706
00:32:26,621 --> 00:32:30,631
As a teen, Buddy Amicus
was unknown and invisible.
707
00:32:31,085 --> 00:32:32,593
As varsity quarterback,
708
00:32:32,623 --> 00:32:35,866
Ares Kostopolous was admired by all.
709
00:32:37,694 --> 00:32:39,579
In his fragile and obsessed mind,
710
00:32:39,609 --> 00:32:43,039
Buddy was best friends
with the big man on campus,
711
00:32:43,100 --> 00:32:45,709
and he had to get closer,
no matter what.
712
00:32:46,121 --> 00:32:48,128
Spartans!
713
00:32:48,872 --> 00:32:50,897
The nameless, faceless mascot
714
00:32:50,927 --> 00:32:53,591
strove to make
his pigskin god proud,
715
00:32:53,752 --> 00:32:56,967
but no one noticed him
until the State championships,
716
00:32:56,997 --> 00:32:58,545
when everyone did.
717
00:32:59,382 --> 00:33:00,766
Spartans!
718
00:33:09,436 --> 00:33:11,612
The Spartan felt
the agony of defeat.
719
00:33:11,875 --> 00:33:13,654
But there was more agony to come.
720
00:33:17,994 --> 00:33:18,873
Guys, guys!
721
00:33:25,450 --> 00:33:28,271
Buddy thought Ares,
his hero, would save him.
722
00:33:29,844 --> 00:33:32,798
The realization
that their friendship was a lie was
723
00:33:32,917 --> 00:33:35,632
so painful, it drove Buddy mad...
724
00:33:37,353 --> 00:33:38,503
and murderous.
725
00:33:43,212 --> 00:33:46,511
Years of dermatology,
orthodontics, and steroid abuse
726
00:33:46,541 --> 00:33:50,524
transformed Buddy Amicus into the man
he'd always wanted to be.
727
00:33:50,791 --> 00:33:54,709
He founded My Best Friend, Inc.,
and found, among his frescorts,
728
00:33:55,565 --> 00:33:59,403
Joe, who triggered in him a new,
albeit familiar, obsession.
729
00:33:59,844 --> 00:34:02,506
This time, Buddy knew
things would be different.
730
00:34:02,536 --> 00:34:04,737
Now he was the big man on campus,
731
00:34:04,767 --> 00:34:07,207
able to befriend anyone he chose...
732
00:34:07,267 --> 00:34:10,669
until the day Joe
brought it all to an end.
733
00:34:11,402 --> 00:34:14,975
He was quitting
to be with fellow frescort Barb,
734
00:34:15,005 --> 00:34:18,731
which meant he was also quitting Buddy,
no matter how much the desperate,
735
00:34:18,761 --> 00:34:21,263
delusional man offered
to pay him to stay.
736
00:34:22,167 --> 00:34:25,893
The realization that another friendship
had been another lie
737
00:34:25,923 --> 00:34:28,984
drove Buddy mad
and murderous yet again.
738
00:34:30,287 --> 00:34:34,728
And so, he convinced Joe
to meet him for one last game.
739
00:34:37,450 --> 00:34:38,781
Why'd you heave-ho the body?
740
00:34:38,943 --> 00:34:41,848
I tried to preserve him
like I preserved Ares.
741
00:34:41,878 --> 00:34:44,466
Sadly, the formaldehyde
triggered my asthma.
742
00:34:44,496 --> 00:34:48,290
And Barb, she took Joe,
so you took her life.
743
00:34:48,409 --> 00:34:50,399
Wanna know
the most senseless thing?
744
00:34:50,568 --> 00:34:52,571
I started
this company to help people,
745
00:34:52,837 --> 00:34:54,962
so that the friendless
wouldn't suffer as I did.
746
00:34:55,024 --> 00:34:56,891
Of course they suffer.
I've seen it up close.
747
00:34:56,921 --> 00:34:59,316
At first the bogus friendships
you sell seem good, but deep down,
748
00:34:59,346 --> 00:35:01,803
those clients never stop feeling
like weirdos who need to be fixed.
749
00:35:01,963 --> 00:35:04,480
And so they keep paying,
hoping that someday
750
00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:07,526
those feelings will go away,
but those feelings never go away.
751
00:35:09,930 --> 00:35:11,539
I'm killing you first.
752
00:35:11,619 --> 00:35:13,494
- Say goodbye.
- Goodbye, friend.
753
00:35:15,503 --> 00:35:17,679
With the frescort killer
behind bars,
754
00:35:17,709 --> 00:35:21,279
the pie maker was free to revisit
a former frescort client.
755
00:35:21,491 --> 00:35:22,555
Your meat pies.
756
00:35:22,585 --> 00:35:24,097
I can't eat them, so...
757
00:35:25,354 --> 00:35:27,335
This is Digby, by the way.
758
00:35:27,365 --> 00:35:28,714
Digby, say hi to Randy.
759
00:35:30,242 --> 00:35:31,465
Aren't you a nice boy?
760
00:35:32,436 --> 00:35:33,606
So unlike your owner.
761
00:35:33,636 --> 00:35:35,779
I deserve that,
like you deserve an apology.
762
00:35:35,809 --> 00:35:37,563
Apology accepted.
Goodbye.
763
00:35:37,659 --> 00:35:41,068
Wait. You don't have to pay for it...
friendship.
764
00:35:41,597 --> 00:35:44,653
The truth is, there are
a lot of people like you... us...
765
00:35:44,683 --> 00:35:48,381
with strange hobbies
or talents or gifts that
766
00:35:48,411 --> 00:35:51,587
we try to hide because we're afraid it
makes us seem weird or turns people off.
767
00:35:53,059 --> 00:35:54,294
But that's a mistake.
768
00:35:55,187 --> 00:35:58,608
What makes me unique has brought
every person I love into my life,
769
00:36:00,497 --> 00:36:02,444
and it could be the same for you.
770
00:36:02,649 --> 00:36:05,029
Well, there's nothing wrong
with being alone, you know.
771
00:36:05,059 --> 00:36:06,294
Joe taught me that...
772
00:36:06,558 --> 00:36:08,146
Called it the "first step".
773
00:36:08,369 --> 00:36:11,298
You're no good to somebody else unless
you're good with being with just you.
774
00:36:15,037 --> 00:36:18,186
Advice an alone pie maker
could use, as well.
775
00:36:19,527 --> 00:36:22,976
The pie maker obtained
Buddy Amicus' client list
776
00:36:23,045 --> 00:36:27,263
and invited those listed to bring
their true selves to a low-key mixer.
777
00:36:27,939 --> 00:36:29,699
And while the intention was good,
778
00:36:29,883 --> 00:36:32,526
the evening
was an unmitigated disaster...
779
00:36:33,256 --> 00:36:34,710
until the second hour,
780
00:36:34,740 --> 00:36:37,777
when everyone finally
started to come out of their shells.
781
00:36:39,475 --> 00:36:42,052
In another 10 minutes,
I was gonna pull out the tequila shots,
782
00:36:42,082 --> 00:36:44,858
and if that didn't work,
pull the fire alarm and call it a day.
783
00:36:46,802 --> 00:36:48,251
Can you give Digby another hug?
784
00:36:48,362 --> 00:36:49,795
Yeah, of course I will.
785
00:36:50,295 --> 00:36:51,601
Do you want a hug?
786
00:36:51,848 --> 00:36:52,673
Come on.
787
00:36:52,783 --> 00:36:55,699
Tighter. And give his belly
a rubba-rubba-rubba.
788
00:36:55,828 --> 00:36:57,379
You know, if you want,
789
00:36:57,409 --> 00:37:00,273
I can hug him all night long
when I sleep over at your place...
790
00:37:00,679 --> 00:37:01,556
permanently.
791
00:37:02,375 --> 00:37:04,862
Did I forget to tell you
that I'm moving back in?
792
00:37:04,892 --> 00:37:08,281
That squabble with you and
Olive is clearly more than a squabble.
793
00:37:08,311 --> 00:37:10,715
We let loose with everything
we were feeling, thinking, flogged
794
00:37:10,745 --> 00:37:12,812
our friendship to death
with a great big truth club.
795
00:37:12,842 --> 00:37:15,515
Does that mean when it comes to us,
796
00:37:15,545 --> 00:37:17,656
I should keep my truths to myself?
797
00:37:17,939 --> 00:37:19,282
No, of course not.
798
00:37:19,312 --> 00:37:21,575
Hang on. Am I setting myself up
for something here?
799
00:37:21,636 --> 00:37:24,344
I was setting myself up to tell you
that ever since you moved in with Olive,
800
00:37:24,374 --> 00:37:26,078
I feel like I never see you anymore.
801
00:37:26,108 --> 00:37:29,014
And please don't take
that any other way than...
802
00:37:29,232 --> 00:37:30,127
I miss you.
803
00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:33,377
That was really sweet.
I miss you, too.
804
00:37:33,943 --> 00:37:35,757
All the more reason
for me moving back in.
805
00:37:36,409 --> 00:37:37,187
Sorry.
806
00:37:37,863 --> 00:37:40,053
- You can't.
- But you promised me comforting.
807
00:37:40,114 --> 00:37:42,786
You're my king-sized duvet
of goose-down goodness.
808
00:37:42,816 --> 00:37:45,998
I know. Selfishly,
I want to duvet you right this second,
809
00:37:46,028 --> 00:37:48,160
but I've got to work on being okay
with being alone,
810
00:37:48,190 --> 00:37:50,814
and you've got to work on
your friendship with Olive.
811
00:37:51,888 --> 00:37:54,784
We might not like it,
but it's the truth.
812
00:37:58,705 --> 00:38:00,451
Well, I'm gonna need a pie.
813
00:38:02,233 --> 00:38:04,001
I'm a sucker for shoofly!
814
00:38:04,351 --> 00:38:07,250
What do you think?
Are we gonna be able to fix this?
815
00:38:07,921 --> 00:38:09,191
We should assess.
816
00:38:09,391 --> 00:38:13,038
I'm working on the "having
feelings for your boyfriend" thing.
817
00:38:13,077 --> 00:38:16,429
I just wish there was a switch
I could turn to "Off".
818
00:38:16,643 --> 00:38:18,549
- But there just isn't.
- I know.
819
00:38:18,579 --> 00:38:21,616
And while you do that, I'm gonna work
on the "center of the universe" thing.
820
00:38:21,646 --> 00:38:23,736
In fact, I'm ready to ditch
that role for a new one...
821
00:38:23,766 --> 00:38:25,898
"selflessly centered roommate".
822
00:38:26,706 --> 00:38:27,706
You're staying?
823
00:38:28,267 --> 00:38:31,051
Is that a good or incredulous question
mark at the end of that question?
824
00:38:31,081 --> 00:38:33,090
Very good. Besides,
825
00:38:33,407 --> 00:38:35,595
the heavy lifting is behind us.
826
00:38:35,772 --> 00:38:37,615
We've laid
that cornerstone of truth.
827
00:38:37,645 --> 00:38:39,468
Pounded that sucker into place.
828
00:38:39,517 --> 00:38:42,176
Besides, it'd be such a waste
of time and effort if you left.
829
00:38:42,206 --> 00:38:43,294
Agreed.
830
00:38:45,768 --> 00:38:48,929
As Chuck and Olive
celebrated their reunion...
831
00:38:49,921 --> 00:38:53,191
... Emerson Cod had
a reunion of his own.
832
00:38:53,221 --> 00:38:54,456
Well, finally.
833
00:38:55,656 --> 00:38:57,103
A decent stogie.
834
00:38:59,018 --> 00:39:00,782
I needed some comfort tobacco.
835
00:39:01,018 --> 00:39:02,478
I was just about to ring you up
836
00:39:02,508 --> 00:39:04,895
to tell you how much I regretted
our previous words.
837
00:39:05,247 --> 00:39:06,730
I was about to get on a plane,
838
00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:09,358
and that same regret had me
turning around, running back here.
839
00:39:10,986 --> 00:39:12,028
You were right.
840
00:39:12,452 --> 00:39:13,928
Our relationship is done.
841
00:39:14,605 --> 00:39:17,146
Meaning, how our relationship was,
842
00:39:17,587 --> 00:39:18,641
being best friends.
843
00:39:20,079 --> 00:39:23,254
I'm your mama, Emmy,
and I got to start acting like it.
844
00:39:24,010 --> 00:39:27,550
That means I can't expect you
to be as strong as me
845
00:39:27,918 --> 00:39:28,944
or as grown-up.
846
00:39:29,993 --> 00:39:31,955
Got to feel you can be vulnerable,
847
00:39:32,206 --> 00:39:34,653
make mistakes,
and still tell me about them.
848
00:39:36,078 --> 00:39:37,773
- Deal?
- Yeah.
849
00:39:39,521 --> 00:39:41,709
- Do I get an allowance?
- No.
850
00:39:41,903 --> 00:39:43,615
But you do get notes...
851
00:39:44,427 --> 00:39:45,993
on this from me.
852
00:39:47,379 --> 00:39:50,388
The publisher's right.
That book is stupid.
853
00:39:51,649 --> 00:39:53,154
Book ain't stupid.
854
00:39:53,523 --> 00:39:54,523
Story is.
855
00:39:55,275 --> 00:39:56,691
This is about...
856
00:39:56,955 --> 00:39:59,489
your childhood
with your crazy mother.
857
00:39:59,519 --> 00:40:02,368
You tell that to a kid at bedtime,
he'll piss the box springs.
858
00:40:02,691 --> 00:40:05,174
You got to write about
the grown-up Emerson Cod,
859
00:40:05,399 --> 00:40:06,999
how great he'd be as a daddy.
860
00:40:07,087 --> 00:40:10,442
Do that, and your little girl
will come running back in no time.
861
00:40:14,651 --> 00:40:15,799
Later, Lil' Gum Shoe.
862
00:40:16,703 --> 00:40:20,043
As Emerson Cod enjoyed
a sense of familial peace,
863
00:40:20,255 --> 00:40:23,308
the pie maker had a peace
of a different sort...
864
00:40:23,338 --> 00:40:25,825
The quiet, solitary,
bachelor kind...
865
00:40:26,753 --> 00:40:27,753
until...
866
00:40:31,623 --> 00:40:33,525
Oh, no.
Disaster with Olive?
867
00:40:33,611 --> 00:40:35,074
It went really well...
868
00:40:35,586 --> 00:40:39,298
So well, in fact, I wanted to wrap you
in goose-down goodness as a thank-you.
869
00:40:39,328 --> 00:40:42,310
But, you know,
my duvet was metaphorical.
870
00:40:42,535 --> 00:40:43,464
Yeah?
871
00:40:43,694 --> 00:40:44,870
Well, so was mine.
872
00:40:49,147 --> 00:40:50,334
I've really missed you.
873
00:40:50,554 --> 00:40:52,554
Synch: Salomon & Gaillots.
874
00:40:52,722 --> 00:40:54,722
Rereading: Bruno & Toupack.
875
00:40:54,752 --> 00:40:57,812
Subtitle: A²S Team
--==All-about-Subs.fr==--