1
00:00:05,588 --> 00:00:08,091
Ah! Now, that was some
fantastic chow mein.
2
00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:09,843
And before you say
that sounded racist,
3
00:00:09,926 --> 00:00:11,511
you can ask the waiter
how they say it.
4
00:00:11,594 --> 00:00:14,264
It's Panda Express, honey.
The waiter's from Portland.
5
00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:16,015
Alright, who the hell
changed my ringtone
6
00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:17,392
to the theme from "Taxi"?
7
00:00:17,475 --> 00:00:19,602
It's a new thing on Taxi Tok.
8
00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:21,479
That's a subculture
on TikTok of kids
9
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,082
who decided the theme
from "Taxi" slaps.
10
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,546
Now you have to play
the "Taxi" theme
11
00:00:24,607 --> 00:00:25,847
for ten people while I film it.
12
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:28,486
I don't have to do shit.
That's dumb.
13
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,655
It raises awareness
for leukemia.
14
00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:34,033
So... who else is excited
for the zoo tomorrow?
15
00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:36,578
Zoos are my favorite
kind of non-water park.
16
00:00:36,661 --> 00:00:38,705
It's just a shame that
they both give you diarrhea.
17
00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:41,291
You only get diarrhea at the zoo
if you eat the food
18
00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:43,042
you're supposed to feed
to the animals.
19
00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:44,711
Which you've done, twice.
20
00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:46,838
They put it in gumball machines.
21
00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:48,673
You know, fortune cookies
only come true
22
00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,717
if you eat the cookie first.
23
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:54,637
Alright. "Hard work
often pays off"? Lame.
24
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,432
"Family time
is time well spent."
25
00:00:57,515 --> 00:00:59,559
Okay, that's not only empty.
It's been disproven.
26
00:00:59,642 --> 00:01:02,061
Okay, mine says,
"Family time is time well..."
27
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:03,855
Oh, man, I got the same one?
28
00:01:03,938 --> 00:01:04,939
- Boo.
- Boo.
29
00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,274
What's your stupid 21-century
30
00:01:06,357 --> 00:01:08,026
watered-down
fortune cookie say, Dad?
31
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:10,904
"You will have sex
with your mother."
32
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:18,074
Watch Movies, TV Series and Live Sports
Signup Here -> WWW.ADMITME.APP
33
00:01:47,106 --> 00:01:49,192
Fortune cookies
aren't legitimate, right?
34
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,693
Jerry, are you seriously asking
35
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,505
if I think you're gonna
have sex with your mom?
36
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:55,615
No, I-I wanted to ask
if it's okay with you
37
00:01:55,698 --> 00:01:57,450
if I make myself
throw up the cookie.
38
00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,453
If it makes you feel better and
you can do it quietly, yes,
39
00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:02,997
but don't hand that advice
down to Summer.
40
00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:06,584
Ugh! Can't do it.
41
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,711
Sleepy Gary ruined
my gag reflex,
42
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:11,172
which is frustrating
because Sleepy Gary wasn't real.
43
00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:14,259
Neither are fortune cookies.
Go to sleep, Jerry.
44
00:02:14,342 --> 00:02:15,885
I know they're not real.
45
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,512
It's just...
Why is it so specific?
46
00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:18,888
And why are three of the numbers
47
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,974
a few numbers off
from my Mom's birthday?!
48
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:22,517
Can we investigate this, Rick?
49
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:23,977
It's not an X-File, Jerry,
50
00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:25,895
You got the world's
last interesting fortune.
51
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,606
Dad, can you explain to TikTok
what's going on with your mom?
52
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:30,275
Summer, no social videoing!
53
00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:31,693
What if Mi-Maw sees it?
54
00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:33,838
We can't let her know this
is a thing that might happen!
55
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,113
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Uh, "might"?
56
00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:36,739
She's calling again.
57
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,283
She doesn't usually
call this much.
58
00:02:38,366 --> 00:02:40,118
Because you don't
usually ghost her
59
00:02:40,201 --> 00:02:42,829
because you don't usually
decide you're at risk of...
60
00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:45,039
What if she's calling me
to tell me I'm adopted?!
61
00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:47,333
Well, yeah, then you
should definitely hit that.
62
00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:49,878
That's not funny!
63
00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:52,338
Jerry, you're making it funny
by taking it seriously.
64
00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:53,923
And none of us will be laughing
65
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,675
if you let this
ruin our zoo trip.
66
00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:57,862
Rick, can you use science to
make it impossible for me to...
67
00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,220
Jerry, you're insulting science.
68
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,723
And as the most powerful
man in the universe,
69
00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:04,183
if I create technology to
prevent a random occurrence,
70
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:06,686
I'll end up making it
more possible than random.
71
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,523
When do we leave for the zoo?
72
00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:13,276
One hour. You have one hour
to let go of this.
73
00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:15,528
I'm already done
thinking about it.
74
00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:22,535
Check that out, huh?
75
00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:27,582
Ah! Ah! No!
76
00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:32,128
Aah! Aah! Aah!
77
00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:34,756
Let me out! Let me out!
78
00:03:36,215 --> 00:03:38,384
- You have ten seconds.
- I want to go.
79
00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:39,969
You know of my love for the zoo!
80
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,387
Why are you dressed like Morty?
81
00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:43,139
Because Morty's mom is Beth.
82
00:03:43,222 --> 00:03:45,224
I'm not unpacking that.
83
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:47,548
Okay, if you think I have
this much patience for the zoo,
84
00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:49,520
on Earth,
you're sorely mistaken.
85
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:52,482
Jerry, if you don't come with
us, I will be so disappointed.
86
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,543
Okay, you guys should
probably go on without Jerry.
87
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:56,545
I just took some readings
on his probability field,
88
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:58,154
and this fortune
has some strange powers
89
00:03:58,237 --> 00:03:59,447
I'm gonna need to investigate.
90
00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:01,240
Really?!
Oh, God, I knew it.
91
00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:03,076
Okay. Well.
Be careful, honey.
92
00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:04,919
Ooh! Bring me back a handful
of zebra snacks?
93
00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:07,288
A-And please take pictures
with my favorite animal,
94
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:08,623
the white tiger!
95
00:04:08,706 --> 00:04:10,208
Because they breed via incest?
96
00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:11,668
Is that true?!
97
00:04:14,462 --> 00:04:16,130
Ah. I knew I was right.
Not even close.
98
00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:19,217
I just didn't want to
see someone get bullied
into going to a zoo.
99
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,236
You may be the single
dumbest human I've ever met,
100
00:04:21,260 --> 00:04:22,529
Jerry,
but you still have a right
101
00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:24,722
to take whatever
you want seriously.
102
00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:26,557
Thank you,
but if that thing says
103
00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:28,619
I'm not gonna do it with my mom,
I can go to the zoo.
104
00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,123
Jerry, this thing
measures aberrations
105
00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:31,521
in probability waves.
106
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,724
I didn't even bother to
turn it on because if I did...
107
00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:36,192
Huh.
What?!
108
00:04:36,275 --> 00:04:37,652
Nothing.
Don't get weird on me.
109
00:04:37,735 --> 00:04:39,737
But, uh, since we're free
for the afternoon,
110
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,447
you mind doing a quick activity?
111
00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,825
We're gonna disprove this
with efficient brute force.
112
00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:45,576
These are two shoeboxes.
Both are empty,
113
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,554
but I wrote your mother's name
on the inside of one.
114
00:04:47,578 --> 00:04:50,123
What? God, no! If you think
for a second I'm gonna put my...
115
00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:52,375
Good. I didn't wanna
do this anyway.
116
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:55,962
Fine! Can I just tell you which
box I would put my penis in?
117
00:04:56,045 --> 00:04:58,631
Saying it seems worse, but okay.
118
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:01,759
Alright. I would put my penis
in the box on the right.
119
00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:03,362
Great. Uh, look in
the other direction,
120
00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:04,971
and I'm gonna
switch up the boxes.
121
00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:06,305
This feels really low-tech.
122
00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:10,018
Yeah, 'cause
we're measuring reality.
123
00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:11,394
I would take out my penis
124
00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:14,105
and place it in the box
on the... right.
125
00:05:14,188 --> 00:05:16,524
Again.
126
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:17,984
I would put my penis...
127
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,795
Jerry, you don't have to say
"penis" every time.
128
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:21,863
Just left or right.
Hey, this was your idea!
129
00:05:21,946 --> 00:05:23,698
I didn't think
it'd go on this long.
130
00:05:23,781 --> 00:05:26,492
Okay, penis. Ugh!
Left!
131
00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:28,077
Keep going.
132
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,829
Right.
133
00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:32,540
Left. Right.
134
00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:33,916
Jerry, are you fucking peeking?
135
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,753
Tell me what's going on!
You're scaring me!
136
00:05:39,088 --> 00:05:40,798
Okay, I'm just as likely
to shit a balloon
137
00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:42,050
as I am to become a dolphin.
138
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:43,509
Those are things
that could happen?
139
00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,511
Jerry, everything is
as likely as anything else.
140
00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:49,640
Which is why it's weird that
you're at all likely to...
141
00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:51,392
To what?
To what?!
142
00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:53,895
Jerry, has your mother
been leaving messages?
143
00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:56,731
Three texts.
I'm afraid to read them.
144
00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:58,107
Read them.
145
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,109
She's asking
if she can come visit.
146
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,694
Why would she want that?!
147
00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:03,279
Jerry, I'm gonna
tell you something
148
00:06:03,362 --> 00:06:05,531
I've never told anyone.
149
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,450
We need to go to Panda Express.
150
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:09,285
If these guys wanted my respect,
151
00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:10,971
they could've just gotten
a liquor license.
152
00:06:10,995 --> 00:06:12,848
Now you think this has
something to do with you?
153
00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:15,416
Jerry, whoever's behind that
fortune has, like, god powers.
154
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,210
Of course it has
something to do with me.
155
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:20,463
What do you think I am in this
story, the father-in-law?
156
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:27,053
You guys wanted my attention?
157
00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,532
Okay, well, now
I'm getting mixed signals.
158
00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:32,266
Gah!
159
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:34,685
Stay here, Jerry.
Time to kick ass.
160
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:35,978
Gonna need a soundtrack.
161
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,773
Ship, favorites playlist,
track one.
162
00:06:42,318 --> 00:06:44,570
Alright, fine.
No wrong answers.
163
00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,314
Tell me where you get
your cookies at,
164
00:07:02,338 --> 00:07:03,816
and we can all walk
out of here alive!
165
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,466
Fuck you,
DEA piece of shit!
DEA?
166
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:06,884
Cookies?
Fortune cookies.
167
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,487
You're not here about our gang's
city-wide meth ring?
168
00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:11,430
What? No. Break the laws.
They shouldn't exist anyway.
169
00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:14,267
Wow.
I am embarrassed.
170
00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:15,893
Aw, me too.
171
00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:17,854
Sorry about, uh,
these dead guys.
172
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,397
Comes with the territory.
173
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,399
So w-where do you
get your cookies?
174
00:07:21,482 --> 00:07:22,984
Same distributor
as everyone else.
175
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:24,777
That's their truck out back.
Solid.
176
00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:27,989
Okay, I'm gonna take
the truck in exchange
for not turning you in.
177
00:07:34,203 --> 00:07:36,706
Geez. How much money
can there be in cookies
178
00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:38,040
that you get for free?
179
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:39,959
And now we're being
retina scanned?
180
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:41,335
Oh, oh, oh! I know!
181
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,171
I've got a theory, Jerry.
Oh, good.
182
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:46,257
This place is run by
Cookie Monster.
183
00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:48,551
He's really protective
about his cookies.
184
00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:50,261
C'mon, man.
You can't crack a smile?
185
00:07:50,344 --> 00:07:52,544
Oh, yeah... you're worried
about doing it with your mom.
186
00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:54,265
Okay. Fair enough.
187
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,143
Whoa!
188
00:07:58,769 --> 00:08:00,146
Fucking cameras everywhere.
189
00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:03,149
- That cup is a camera.
- That tree is a camera.
190
00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:04,483
Can you disable them?
191
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,944
Stealth rule number one...
Turning off 300 cameras
192
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:09,071
draws more attention
than changing outfits.
193
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,908
Looks like we need to
dress for success.
194
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:16,037
Eye of Thundara,
give me suits beyond suits!
195
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,165
Jerry, assistant clothing.
MAKE-UP!
196
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:24,921
What the hell was that?
197
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,589
Reuseable "Sailor Moon"
sequence.
198
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:28,650
If we ever need to show you
becoming my assistant again,
199
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:30,509
we can repeat it
and save lots of money.
200
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:39,852
Why does an operation
bigger than the government
201
00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:42,855
want me to...
couple with my mother?
202
00:08:57,036 --> 00:09:00,957
Whoa. Bezos? Bill Gates?
Prime ministers?
203
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,125
Weirdly,
Billy Zane is also here.
204
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:07,088
Hello. You're about to meet me,
Jennith Padrow-Chunt.
205
00:09:07,171 --> 00:09:09,715
15 years ago, I was living
in my parents' garage,
206
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:13,219
eating ramen out of a toilet
when I discovered something.
207
00:09:13,302 --> 00:09:14,887
Fate isn't fiction.
208
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,890
Everything you want
can be yours, if you ask for it.
209
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,684
Just ask me.
210
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,435
Hello, me.
Hello, me.
211
00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:22,770
Look at me's.
212
00:09:22,853 --> 00:09:24,897
Every suit I wear
is virgin white.
213
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,607
I sleep on a bed of loose grains
214
00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:29,485
and begin every morning
by dragging my perfect vagina
215
00:09:29,568 --> 00:09:31,237
across Chinese silver grass.
216
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:32,905
I'm firm and ripe.
217
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:35,408
My mother's plane just landed.
218
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:36,993
She took a photo at the airport
219
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,388
in front of that Wolfgang Puck
that smells like a kindergarten.
220
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,707
Want to know the secret
to how I changed my future?
Yes.
221
00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:45,001
Well, once you're
a level seven investor,
222
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:46,752
you'll learn that and more.
223
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,921
Yeah, we're not getting
the answers we want here.
224
00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,464
Let's go deeper.
225
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:57,430
And now, thanks to
your generous contributions,
226
00:09:57,513 --> 00:09:59,432
here are this year's cookies.
227
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:03,477
"You will receive a 6.8%
year-on-year increase."
228
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:04,645
Very nice.
229
00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,397
"Your talents
are appreciated..."
230
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,816
"when you become
junior partner."
231
00:10:08,899 --> 00:10:11,777
Holy shit! I'm going to be on
"Dancing with the Stars"!
232
00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,447
Please, I can get the money.
I swear! Gak!
233
00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:17,074
I'm afraid it's too late
for that.
234
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:19,660
Oh, God, what does it say?
235
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,078
"Your penis will be mangled
236
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:24,248
by a frozen-yogurt machine
at the U.N."?
237
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:25,625
I know that machine!
238
00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:27,185
This would sound impossible
to a layman,
239
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:28,836
but to me it rings inevitable!
240
00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:31,172
Holy shit.
This is real.
241
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:33,049
They're controlling fate
for profit.
242
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:34,467
I'm glad you're happy;
243
00:10:34,550 --> 00:10:36,310
Now can we blow up the building
or something?
244
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:37,529
I don't think
that's the best way
245
00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:38,888
to take away their power, Jerry.
246
00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:40,741
Let's take it in a way
that ends with us having it.
247
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,099
You mean you having it.
248
00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:44,101
I'll share it.
Then you fuck my mom.
249
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,562
That's not how it works,
and I already have.
250
00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:48,856
What?!
Jesus, Jerry, come on.
251
00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:52,610
How unfortunate.
252
00:10:52,693 --> 00:10:54,820
Use the emergency fortunes!
253
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:57,114
Fighting fortunes.
T-T-They're leveling up!
254
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:01,786
"You'll have great success
in a fight."
255
00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:04,205
I'll be damned.
256
00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:07,333
Ha!
257
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:08,918
Yah!
258
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:10,169
Fuck!
This both sucks
259
00:11:10,252 --> 00:11:11,587
and is really valuable data.
260
00:11:11,670 --> 00:11:12,797
Ha!
261
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,507
Oh!
262
00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:16,008
Aah!
263
00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:17,468
Wha!
Rick, what are you doing?!
264
00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:19,220
Using you
as a human shield.
You said it!
265
00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:21,555
You said the thing
I thought you were doing.
266
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,184
We've got intruders.
And one of them...
267
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:28,020
has an unresolved fortune.
268
00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:30,689
We need that man's mother.
269
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:32,566
Lot of mothers in the world,
ma'am.
270
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,944
But only one of them is Mrs...
271
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:37,405
Ugh, God damn it... Smith?
272
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,036
So are we going to ignore
273
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,288
that you tried to stop bullets
using my body?
274
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:47,915
You have an unresolved fortune.
275
00:11:47,998 --> 00:11:50,060
Until you have sex with your
mom, you're basically immortal.
276
00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,128
Do you have any idea
how amazing that is?
277
00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:53,671
You don't even care about me.
278
00:11:53,754 --> 00:11:56,257
You just want
fortune cookie power.
279
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:58,008
Okay, Jerry, how 'bout this?
280
00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,301
If it comes down to it,
281
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,011
I promise I'll put a bullet
in her head.
282
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:02,680
No!
Ah, you're right.
283
00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:04,366
The fortune didn't say
she'd be alive, did it?
284
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,058
I hate you!
Hate productive things.
285
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,894
Hate crawling through
a fucking air vent.
286
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,272
Ah, those are those weird
hex-headed screws.
287
00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:12,565
Do your screwdriver fingers...
288
00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:14,567
Aah! Aah!
289
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,211
Well, at least we have
no idea what's going on.
290
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:35,379
That's a LOCKER-ean.
291
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,089
I-It's a species
that eats chaos.
292
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:39,049
But it has
its digestive disorder.
293
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,135
Its stomach is stripping
randomness from spacetime
294
00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:43,098
and leaving behind
super-dense pockets of energy
295
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,514
that bend entropy
towards definable outcomes.
296
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,057
I mean, th-that's
how fate works.
297
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:48,434
It's a field, like gravity,
298
00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:50,186
but instead of pulling
small toward big,
299
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,645
it pulls unknown toward known.
300
00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,522
Ah, so we do know
what's going on.
301
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,500
We know this... everyone
that's had a fortune cookie
302
00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:57,776
in the last 20 years
has eaten this thing's poop.
303
00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,988
Fortune cookies are alien poop.
304
00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:02,573
These fortunes are so basic.
305
00:13:02,656 --> 00:13:04,676
Why wouldn't you use this power
to change the world?
306
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:07,453
Or at least get Nintendo
to make a portable VR headset?
307
00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:09,955
Ooh, this place ain't
for creatin' the future,
308
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:11,624
but controllin' it.
309
00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:14,293
Hi, I'm Old.
Old M. Hucksbee.
310
00:13:14,376 --> 00:13:16,295
The "M" stands
for "Man."
311
00:13:16,378 --> 00:13:17,963
You're an arch little character.
312
00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,632
You're the reason
fortune cookies suck?
313
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:21,550
No, no, no,
that's Jenneth Chunt's idea.
314
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,136
You have to glut the marketplace
with pointless fortunes
315
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,971
to increase the value
of real ones.
316
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:28,098
Controlling destiny
for a price...
317
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:31,101
That's the Fortune 500's
fortune.
318
00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:33,145
And you're trying to stop them?
319
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,522
Just tryin' to get out.
320
00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:36,982
I want to be free
with this here alien gal
321
00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:38,359
so we can get married.
322
00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:40,069
Then we can have relations.
323
00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:42,446
Can't do that before marriage,
you know.
324
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,572
I'm a Catholic.
325
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,115
Uh, does the alien want that?
326
00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:47,785
It's not exactly what I'd call
a sentient species.
327
00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:49,036
A man knows.
328
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:50,579
What does this
have to do with me?
329
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,665
You put this in my cookie.
330
00:13:52,748 --> 00:13:55,501
Yep. Oh, I've been tryin'
to get people's attention.
331
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:58,295
I'd make fortunes saying,
"You're a-gonna break your leg
332
00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:00,589
unless you investigate
this cookie company,"
333
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,299
or, "Please come help me
334
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:04,176
or a virus will
shut down the world."
335
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,178
Finally I just made
a bunch that said,
336
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,847
"You're gonna have sex
with your own momma."
337
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,183
How many? It...
What happened to the others?
338
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,977
I 'spose they fucked their moms.
339
00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:16,021
Now let's cut her chains
and get the hell outta here.
340
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:19,817
Well, shit on a spaghetti.
341
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:21,402
Hello, Jerry Smith.
342
00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:24,363
Glad you could join us on
Bring Your Mother to Work day.
343
00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:26,115
Mom!
Hi, Jerry.
344
00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:29,034
Your friends picked me up
in a limousine.
345
00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:30,536
They said you won something,
346
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:32,180
and I should be the one
to give it to you.
347
00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:34,248
You sick fucks.
Are you guys
enjoying this?
348
00:14:34,331 --> 00:14:37,251
I used to think I was just
a regular white woman.
349
00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:40,004
Then I discovered
I could control my destiny.
350
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:41,380
All white women think that.
351
00:14:41,463 --> 00:14:43,549
The truth is, this alien
crashed in your yard
352
00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:44,842
and you ate its shit.
353
00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:46,677
How dare you!
What's your name?
354
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,012
How dare you?!
355
00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:49,471
We should've blown up
the building.
356
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,140
Doesn't matter.
All I was gonna say is,
357
00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:54,059
"Guess what, insert name?
Time for you to eat shit."
358
00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:55,227
But first...
359
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:56,520
Aah!
360
00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:58,731
Oh, no!
I'm so wet!
361
00:14:58,814 --> 00:15:01,025
Ah! No!
Jerry!
Come back and block bullets.
362
00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:04,236
Authorizing the use
of prototype fortunes.
363
00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:12,286
Fuck!
You can't hide!
364
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:14,246
My fortune said,
"Headshots only."
365
00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:18,083
Harry! Greg! Lashawn!
Dave C.! Dave M.!
366
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:19,418
Noooo!
367
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:21,587
You piece of shit,
you killed my friends.
368
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,088
Oh!
369
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,341
Alright, what does
the future hold?
370
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:29,762
Aah!
371
00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:33,265
Maybe I can Pokémon this shit.
372
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,100
Blast him,
or we're both gonna die.
373
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,685
Oh, God! Oh, God!
374
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,145
Aaah!
Whoa!
375
00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:39,396
You control control water.
376
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,939
Like, the water inside a guy.
377
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,858
That's a gross power.
378
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,489
I'm gonna let you live
because your fortune sucks.
379
00:15:49,531 --> 00:15:51,909
You can't kill me!
I can't be killed!
380
00:15:51,992 --> 00:15:54,286
Trust me, that's not as good
as it sounds.
381
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,746
Aaaaaaah!
382
00:15:55,829 --> 00:15:57,289
Ah! Ah! Aah!
383
00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,416
Oh, it hurts!
It burns!
384
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,335
Fuck!
Oh, my God! My ribs!
385
00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:04,421
I can feel my shattered ribs!
386
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:12,721
Shit, these are useless.
387
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,139
Where are the fighting fortunes?
388
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,641
Ah, no-no-no-no-no!
389
00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:17,393
Those are blanks!
390
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:20,771
Without fortunes, the effects
are completely unpredictable!
391
00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:22,898
Alright.
392
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:34,993
I am the son of God!
393
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:38,831
Ah!
394
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:39,915
Jerry!
395
00:16:39,998 --> 00:16:41,792
Help me, Jerry!
396
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:44,962
Mom! Stay away!
Just stay away!
397
00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:47,172
Come on and fuck already!
398
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:49,341
Ma'am, is it possible
we're being given a chance
399
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:52,511
to take a step back
and examine our behavior?
400
00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:55,889
You can't kill me, old man.
401
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:58,851
I also have
an unresolved fortune.
402
00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:01,520
"The most successful
businesswoman on Earth?"
403
00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:04,606
You could do anything you wanted
and you chose... work?
404
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,860
Every day I get
closer to an unattainable goal.
405
00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:11,280
A one-woman lifestyle brand,
forever!
406
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:12,823
Well, I just used
a dark web account
407
00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:14,906
to hack Goldman Sachs,
remove trillions of dollars,
408
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,869
and purchase everything
your company offers.
409
00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:18,537
Congratulations!
You're officially
410
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:20,664
the most successful
businesswoman on Earth.
411
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:21,832
Fortune fulfilled.
412
00:17:21,915 --> 00:17:23,351
And now I'm emptying
your bank accounts
413
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,811
and giving the money
back to Goldman Sachs,
414
00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:27,921
because I sit dead-center
on the alignment chart.
415
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,965
You son of a bitch!
416
00:17:30,048 --> 00:17:31,842
How does it feel
to achieve your dreams?
417
00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:33,010
Empty, right?
418
00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:34,470
Like when DiCaprio
won the Oscar.
419
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,221
You could see it in his face.
420
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:40,058
I still have one more dream...
421
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:45,397
Watching you die, Rick Sanchez!
422
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:47,066
Ha! You knew my name!
423
00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:58,619
She's free! Run!
424
00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:01,163
Run, my beauty!
425
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,420
Well, butterfly on a corncob.
426
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:11,423
I see that I've romanticized
a wild animal
427
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,884
the same way Margaret Howe did
when she jerked off
428
00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:16,261
that dolphin in the 19-and-60s.
429
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:19,389
Both she and I assaulted
a captive creature
430
00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,934
and expected it
to be reciprocal.
431
00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:23,852
Welp, joopityboot.
432
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,229
Time to die.
433
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:29,274
Ah!
434
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:32,694
Follow me, my queen!
435
00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:37,908
That's all the bad guys down.
We almost got this, Jer.
436
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:40,702
Ah!
437
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:45,249
No!
438
00:18:45,332 --> 00:18:47,334
Oh, sticks-to-walls guy,
439
00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:50,295
I-I-I guess we were both wrong.
440
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:51,839
Oh, God.
441
00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:57,135
Oh! Ah!
442
00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:59,096
Ah! Oh!
443
00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:01,515
Aaaah!
Rick! Please!
444
00:19:01,598 --> 00:19:03,058
Jerry, I've got the creature.
445
00:19:03,141 --> 00:19:05,227
I knew it.
I knew it.
446
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:07,896
God damn it!
447
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:11,066
Aaaaaaaah!
448
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:13,819
Oh, God!
449
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:16,029
Aaaaah!
450
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:17,990
God damn it.
451
00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,206
Ah. Holy shit,
that was close.
452
00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:27,291
Close to what?
453
00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:29,001
Close to everyone but your son
454
00:19:29,084 --> 00:19:30,794
getting anything
they want forever.
455
00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:32,087
You saved me.
456
00:19:32,170 --> 00:19:34,173
I will never stop
holding this over you,
457
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:35,841
as if that buys me anything.
458
00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,676
We should get you
some clothes, son.
459
00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:38,759
Oh, oh!
460
00:19:43,056 --> 00:19:44,892
I can just feel the savings.
461
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,020
Hey, wait, uh...
462
00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:50,522
Got this at the crazy place
we just were.
463
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:53,358
It may look like someone
stuck a hand-written fortune
464
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:55,042
in there last second,
but I'm pretty sure
465
00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:56,737
that's just the way it came.
466
00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:58,864
Besides,
these don't mean anything.
467
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,242
Jerry, while I appreciate
the sentiment,
468
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:05,037
this is a huge waste
of the last real fortune.
469
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,039
Oh. I'm sorry.
I just...
470
00:20:07,122 --> 00:20:08,415
It's cool, it's cool.
471
00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:10,250
Thanks, friend.
Friend?!
472
00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:11,710
Did you just say friend?
What?
473
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:13,233
W-W-What did I do?
You fucking idiot!
474
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:14,671
I'm not your friend!
475
00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:15,899
Why did you think
I was your friend?
476
00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:17,174
Look at this you piece of shit.
477
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:19,176
Yeah, yeah, yeah, so?
I was immortal!
478
00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:20,719
I was immortal
for that whole fight.
479
00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:22,763
All I had to do was
never make a new friend.
480
00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:24,306
Jesus fucking Christ, Jerry.
481
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:25,515
I'm sorry!
We're not friends!
482
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:26,808
Yeah, too late, bonehead.
483
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,518
It doesn't say
"new permanent friend."
484
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:31,521
All friendships end,
especially new ones.
485
00:20:31,605 --> 00:20:35,484
Well, maybe that's a fate
the two of us still control.
486
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,699
I'm... I'm sorry I did that.
487
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,409
It's fine.
488
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:27,577
The zoo. Animals.
Balloons. Moats. Cages.
489
00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:29,037
A fun time for the whole family.
490
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,248
But you don't care about that.
You're a zebra.
491
00:21:31,331 --> 00:21:33,542
You're here for the unparalleled
dining experience
492
00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:35,752
of hand-fed zebra food.
Delicious.
493
00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:37,379
He... Hey, wait.
Don't eat...
494
00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:39,673
Th... That's for the zebras.
It's making you sick!
495
00:21:39,756 --> 00:21:41,049
What are you doing?
496
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,527
Jesus, why have they left
all the zebra-feeding
497
00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:43,861
to the people
who come to the zoo?
498
00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:45,488
Is that the only way
the zebras can get food?
499
00:21:45,512 --> 00:21:47,389
They're so hungry.
What the fuck is happening?
500
00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:48,807
We're out of zebra food.
Okay?
501
00:21:48,890 --> 00:21:50,726
There's no food left.
Don't come to the zoo.
502
00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:52,811
This was supposed to be
a commercial for zebras,
503
00:21:52,894 --> 00:21:54,438
targeted to zebras.
504
00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:55,915
The premise itself
was questionable, but this...
505
00:21:55,939 --> 00:21:57,315
This is a nightmare!
506
00:21:57,399 --> 00:21:59,002
Don't go to the zoo.
Stay away from the zoo.
507
00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:00,461
Oh, God, what are you doing
in the booth?
508
00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:02,070
Get out!
Get out, you're mad with...
509
00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:07,159
Ow. Eat it.
Eat zebra food.
510
00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:09,661
Okay, um. I guess I can't
blame Dad for being confused
511
00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:11,204
about what to do
with the zebra food.
512
00:22:11,288 --> 00:22:13,415
Also, I have no idea why
they're running this ad,
513
00:22:13,498 --> 00:22:14,833
like, on a loop?
514
00:22:14,916 --> 00:22:16,728
There were murders in it,
and it was specifically
515
00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:18,646
telling you to do the thing
it didn't want you to do
516
00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:20,338
until the very end,
when it reversed.
517
00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:22,549
Why would they sell
the zebra food in the gift shop,
518
00:22:22,632 --> 00:22:25,177
unless... I mean,
do the zebras shop in here?
519
00:22:25,260 --> 00:22:26,762
Are we the ones in the zoo?
520
00:22:26,845 --> 00:22:28,013
Oh, is that the twist?
521
00:22:28,096 --> 00:22:29,973
Okay, we're... it's a human zoo.
Got it.
522
00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:33,018
Did you get any of that?
523
00:22:33,101 --> 00:22:37,481
>>>>oakislandtk<<<<<
www.opensubtitles.org
523
00:22:38,305 --> 00:23:38,543
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