After Dr. Werthers' editorial,
comic books were periodicals non grata in Riverdale,
just as I'd become one of Pep Comics' go to writers.
And speaking of Pep Comics,
I noticed some of their recent output
bore an uncanny resemblance to stories
written by my favorite pulp writer of all time, Brad Rayberry.
But where was Rayberry's credit?
Mr. Fieldstone,
the comic book that you just published
is beat for beat, exactly like a story
-that Brad Rayberry published ten years ago. -Hold on.
The Rayberry story is called November County.
Ours is called November Country.
Is Pep Comics in the business of plagiarizing?
That is an ugly word we never use around here, all right?
But it's all coming back to me now.
I dimly remember trying to reach out to this Rayberry guy
about a rights inquiry.
But he never returned my calls, so I just assumed he was probably dead.
You know, I've been here a couple of days now,
and I've observed a few things.
Take a break, Archie.
Your mom's concerned about you, and so am I.
The lying, the sneaking around, that business with the Blossom girl.
Your grades are mediocre and you're not pulling your weight around the house.
How do you think your dad would feel?
You think he'd be proud of you?
What did he say to you before he went off to war?
Remind me.
He said that I should take care of mom.
And be the man of the house.
That's right.
Now, do you think you've lived up to that?
No, but you're going to start.
Right now.
Come with me.
Mom, I'm sorry if I've been disrespecting you lately.
I promise I'll be a better son to you.
Thank you, Archie.
I know you will, honey.
Good man.
Tomorrow we'll talk to your principal about getting your grades up.
Veronica, can I bend your ear?
Sure, Betty.
What's on your mind?
I was just wondering...
what's sex like?
My goodness. And I've barely just had my morning java.
All I'm doing is reading about it.
And I just wanted to talk to someone with, you know, firsthand experience.
Okay, truth time.
Now, you can't tell anyone, because I have a reputation to uphold.
But, entre nous,
I haven't actually gone all the way with a boy.
Not yet.
I just assumed because you're so... sexy.
Thanks for noticing.
But Betty, you don't have to have sex to be sexy.
But how do you...
How do I...
carry myself more like you?
Well, there are all sorts of tricks a woman can use
to revel in her body and feel more sensual.
Perfume is one.
Or a heel that puts a sway in your step.
But my favorite little trade secret...
is wearing sexy lingerie.
Lingerie?
I like the way it makes me feel.
The soft fabric against my skin,
knowing that it makes my body look fantastic.
Say, why don't you give lingerie a whirl?
Come over to the Pembrooke after school and try some on.
Okay, sure.
Good morning, Antoinette.
Here's your novel back.
What did you think of it?
Um...
I like the cover.
There's something aesthetically pleasing
about two voluptuous, feminine forms in close proximity to each other.
Voluptuous, huh?
Well, how about you and I go to the Dark Room
and grab a cappuccino and privacy,
where we can feed each other apple butter about the cover art?
Oh, no, I couldn't possibly.
I'm far too busy getting ready to relaunch my precious Vixens.
Ah, yes. Your paper-shakers.
I would ask you to join, but I'm sure being a cheerleader
is far too square an activity for a girl-greaser like you.
Sir, I swear on a stack of Bibles that I'm going to double down
on my schoolwork and get my grades up.
I want to be at least a B student.
I'm happy to hear that, Archie.
I feel as if there's much...
untapped potential within you.
And Frank, your timing couldn't be better. I wonder...
might I have a word with you, in private?
Of course.
Archie, will you excuse us?
Um, sure.
Okay, girls, let's fire it up and see what we're working with.
Hope I'm not too late.
I'm sorry, you're not on our list.
-Better luck next year-- -Evelyn, are you the captain?
Oh, no, that's right. That would be me.
So quit biting at my ankles and shut your trap.
You're not too late, Toni.
In fact, you're first up.
I assume you prepared a routine.
I did.
We got the pep.
We got this... We got...
Riverdale High School, that's our team.
Well, razz my berries and put them in a jelly jar.
I haven't seen that kind of pom-pom technique in years.
Since I alone speak for the Vixens,
I would like to officially offer you a spot on the squad.
-Shouldn't we wait till we've seen everyone-- -Evelyn!
Until you've proven you can do more than regurgitate a Doris Day shuffle,
I suggest you zip it.
So, it looks like I'll be sticking around a while.
Principal Featherhead asked me to be the basketball team's head coach.
Oh, that's great news, Frank.
Well, now that the war's over,
Featherhead wants to bring the Bulldogs back.
Tryouts are tomorrow after school.
I expect to see you there.
Well, if it's all the same to you, Uncle Frank, I think I might sit this season out.
But you love basketball.
I've been told to focus on my studies, Mom.
Archie, you're young. You can study and play basketball.
You don't want me on the team.
I'm no good. I'm out of practice.
Archie.
That's okay, Mary.
If Archie doesn't feel like he's fit to play, he can contribute another way.
As water-boy.
What's the tale, nightingale?
Come out and let me see.
I'm... I am not sure.
Don't be modest, Betty. It's just us girls.
I knew it.
I knew it would look perfect on you.
Well, how do you feel?
Sexy as sin?
Hardly. I feel... embarrassed.
Why?
Bettie Page herself would go ape for you.
This was a silly idea.
-I'm gonna change. -Betty, wait.
Come here.
Give yourself a minute to get used to the lace.
Deep breaths.
Now look at yourself.
Look at your beautiful body and repeat after me.
"I am a gorgeous, powerful, sexy siren,
at the height of my womanly powers."
And may God have mercy on the boys of Riverdale High.
Oh, wow. Mr. Rayberry, uh...
I'm Jughead Jones.
I'm a writer over at Pep Comics in Riverdale,
and I know for a fact that they are plagiarizing
and publishing your stories for monetary gain.
Huh?
They're ripping you off.
I think you should send them a cease and desist letter
-or sue them or something. -Yeah, hold on, hold on.
You're employed by Pep Comics,
and you want me to sue Pep Comics?
Why?
Well, that might be a bit extreme.
But, uh...
I think you're the tops.
And I... You... You shouldn't be treated this way.
I, um... I'm sure it's just some kind of misunderstanding.
Uh, it's... It's...
It's not.
It's theft. I went through all of Pep Comics' back issues.
They've poached like eight of your stories.
Um, this is just the latest one.
Spit it out, Evelyn.
I have some concerns,
about our new Vixen, Toni Topaz.
Feeling threatened should only make you work harder.
I just don't think that we should have girls like Toni on our squad.
You best choose your next words very carefully, Evelyn.
Riverdale High is fully integrated, as are the Vixens.
If you have a problem with that--
No, my problem isn't with Toni being Black. It's...
Well, it's with the fact that everyone knows that she's a lezzie.
And I wouldn't be comfortable being naked in the locker room with her.
I don't know where you heard such a disgusting rumor, Evelyn,
but let me clue you in. Toni Topaz is not a...
Whatever that word is.
I wouldn't tolerate such behavior on my squad,
so shut your damn mouth about it!
Now, kindly put an egg in your shoe and beat it.
A new episode of Oh, Mija is about to begin and you're not invited to stay and watch.
Topaz.
The scuttlebutt is you're a paper-shaker now.
What happened?
Let me guess.
Still bird-dogging that redheaded closet-case?
Well, not that I have to justify my actions to you, Lizzo,
you're currently looking at Riverdale High's first Black cheerleader ever.
Now, that may not mean a lot to you, but it does to me.
So it's political for you.
Yeah. Got it. That makes sense.
Damn, Topaz. You must really be on the hook.
Not that I blame you.
That's one cherry lollipop I'd happily lick.
What the heck did you do with my car?
Well, that hot rod was an unnecessary distraction, Archie.
Don't worry, it's safe and sound,
and you'll get it back once your grades are where they should be.
How do you expect me to get to school?
You can walk, take the bus, ride your bike.
Or you can hitch a ride with me, but you better hustle.
You don't want to be late for your first day as water-boy.
Well, are you wearing them?
Don't flip out, but I am not.
Betty, how will you ever get used to lace panties
if you don't wear them every day?
You know, I know, but there's gym class later today,
and I didn't want people to see me wearing them
and think that I was some kind of nymphomaniac.
Yet another word invented by men who want to gaslight women.
Anyway, now that I'm your new wing woman, I've been thinking.
It's time we found you a man,
who can appreciate what an incredible,
powerful, beautiful knockout you are.
So, now that you and Kevin are no more, who do you have your eye on?
There is someone, actually.
Don't be coy.
Who's the lucky duck?
It's Archie.
Yes, Archie is a teen dream boat, isn't he?
Well, you're in luck.
I spied him in the lounge mere seconds ago.
So why don't you march on in there and ask him out?
Let's do it now, before you can talk yourself out of it.
Hi, Archie.
Betty, hey. What's the scoop?
The scoop is...
Do you maybe want to go to the movies with me?
The movies?
Well, heck yeah, Betty. I would love to take you to the movies.
Really?
But I can't.
I can't right now.
It's my Uncle Frank. He's being a real pain in the ass.
He's got me on a trip for biscuits making me the team water-boy.
Maybe he'll ease up in the next couple of weeks and we can go then?
Of course. Yeah, another time. It's fine.
At least he was nice enough to come up with an excuse.
Or it's the truth.
And you just need to let Archie work out his family strife for a bit.
Say, why don't we nab ourselves a couple of good time boys
and go on a double date?
With... With who?
Isn't there an all-boys private school down the lane?
-You mean Stonewall Prep? -Mmm.
J'adore private school boys.
So sexually frustrated.
So easy to torment and manipulate.
Hmm.
Let's see what we have here.
"A story of forbidden feminine love."
I knew it.
Excuse me.
Can I help you with something, Evelyn?
You know, it's strange, Toni.
When I asked her, Cheryl insisted that you weren't gaga for girls.
This book, however, tells a different story.
As a matter of fact, I read all kinds of books.
So how about you quit sticking your nose in my business
before I serve you up a knuckle sandwich?
Can you dig it?
Now, why don't you tell me
exactly what Cheryl said.
So, what do you think?
First issue, hot off the presses.
This is so boss, boss.
I mean, to see it in full color and in print with my name.
And that's just the final proof.
Which one of you shucksters is Al Fieldstone?
I am. Who are you?
Brad Rayberry.
You've been plagiarizing my short stories for your comic books.
Hey, now. What's to say that two different writers
couldn't have had similar ideas concurrently?
Once maybe, but eight times?
Do you think that's going to pass muster in the courts?
The courts?
You listen to me, pal.
I have got the top lawyers in New York on retainer.
Uh, fellas, acknowledging that...
someone at some time might have read a book and been inspired by it,
what if we put Mr. Rayberry's name
on all future reprints of stories that are similar to his,
and pay him a modest but appropriate fee
for the rights to adapt his work?
How much dough are we talking about?
-How about-- -How about a $2 adaptation fee per story?
Deal.
But I want to be compensated for the eight stories you've already adapted.
Comprende?
Deal.
Well, all's well that ends well, eh, Mr. Rayberry?
We shall see.
So how's this gonna work, anyway?
It's up to you. You, um, could adapt your own stories
or you could get a a different Pep Comics writer to do it.
Writers like you, maybe?
It would be an honor, sir.
I love all your stories in all the different pulp magazines.
Weird Tales, Startling Stories, Fantastic Adventures.
Does, uh...
Does your old man approve of your literary aspirations?
'Cause mine sure as hell didn't.
Couldn't tell you.
Did he leave the mortal coil? I'm sorry.
Oh, no, uh...
He lives in Toledo.
I think. He, uh...
There was this big, messy robbery
in town a few years back, and he was the prime suspect.
So he hopped on his bike and split from Riverdale.
Have you written about that?
-No. -You should.
You write anything other than funny books?
Yeah, no, I... I write short stories, but it's been a while.
If I wrote a short story, would you read it?
Crud. We were having such a swell time.
I'm yanking your chain.
Sure I would.
Pass me the ketchup, will you?
Good morning. I have good news for you, Archie.
What's that?
I got you a job.
Pumping gas at Pop's.
That's what being man of the house means, Archie.
Taking on multiple responsibilities.
Jughead.
This is fat city.
We have to celebrate.
Wanna go to Pop's and treat us to burgers?
Aw, man, I wish I could.
But after school, I'm actually going over to Mr. Rayberry's house.
I want to him to read this new story I wrote.
Cheryl Blossom, we got a big problem.
I concur.
-It's Midge, right? -No.
It's you telling Evelyn Evernever
that I don't like girls.
She put down that you were a lezzie.
I defended your honor and reputation.
That's the problem.
You don't get to speak for me.
You don't get to define me.
You don't get to put me in a box.
I was just trying to protect you.
I don't need a savior.
I'm not ashamed of who I am or who I like.
I never have been and I never will be.
I don't know what you want me to say.
I... I'm sorry.
I'm done wasting my time on you, Cheryl.
And I'm done with all this pussy footing.
So...
I hope that you get to wherever you're going, but I'm getting off this train.
Life's too damn short.
Wait, Toni.
You're right.
I...
am attracted to girls.
Well, that's a start.
And I think maybe, um...
I'm attracted to you.
You think or you know?
I... I know.
Finally.
We're getting somewhere.
Hey, Mr. Rayberry.
I brought a short story.
Some prose I wrote last night.
Would you look at?
Just give me your two cents?
Sure, but I'm not gonna pull any punches.
Of course. Thank you.
You want some tea?
-Heck, yes. -Mmm-hmm. I'll be right back.
Make yourself comfortable.
Wait. So, Kevin and Clay are also?
Yeah. But not many people know about them.
So, don't go around quoting it.
No, no, of course not.
When I was ten, my mother and her sister
had an awful falling out.
My Aunt Carol ended up moving to Greenwich Village to be a writer.
My mother called her awful things, Toni.
Like...
Sapphic, sexual deviant.
Wow.
That was around the time that I started realizing
maybe I was like Aunt Carol.
Even though I'd never get to live like her, loving women.
I knew I liked girls as much as I liked boys
for as long as I could remember.
My parents caught me necking
with my neighbor, Glenda, when I was 13 years old.
And then they kicked me out of the house.
Oh, no, Toni.
And then I moved in with my grandma.
And I can be exactly who I wanna be.
Your grandmother approves?
More or less.
I always believed if I didn't want my family to disown me,
I would have to spend my life playing a part.
That's what that whole thing with Archie was. A...
-A role. -And now?
Now...
I am ready for something else.
I can dig that.
Archie Andrews. Riverdale's resident grease monkey.
You need a fill-up, Julian?
Sure do.
And some air in the tires.
So, Betty, is it true your parents run the television station?
Yeah, they do. RIVW.
How come you're not on their dance show, Riverdale Grandstand?
Oh, I don't know, uh...
It's a pretty big time commitment.
Three hours every day after school.
Gee, don't you like to dance?
Of course she does.
Anyway. What do you two cool cats like to do
when you're not out on the town with Riverdale High's ginchiest gals?
We're on the debate team and the basketball team.
And the Honor Society.
And...
Hey there, Archie.
Thought my newest gas attendant might need a little pick me up?
Yeah, you don't know the half of it, Pop.
Heard they're getting the basketball team going again, now that the war is over.
Yeah. Yeah, my uncle's the coach.
You know, I used to watch your dad play when he was in school.
Best rebounder Riverdale High had ever seen.
Well, he and I, we used to play a lot, growing up. Right up until...
he went off to the war.
Proud of him for serving our country the way he did.
He was a true hero.
Yeah, he was, Pop.
He honest-to-gosh was.
I read until the sun came up.
Mr. Rayberry's novel,
The Jupiter Journals was like Flash Gordon,
as if Fitzgerald had written it.
And I couldn't believe that Mr. Rayberry was just letting it sit,
unpublished in a cardboard box.
So, Betty,
what happened when Willie walked you home last night?
Nothing. No butterflies.
Oh, dear.
Is it that your heart's still set on Archie, do you think?
Yes, which means I'm doomed.
Betty, we talked about this.
Romeo and Juliet had logistical problems, but they figured it out.
Veronica, they both died.
Not until act five.
And only after they lost
their cherries, I might add.
Anyways, I have an idea.
One way to get close to someone
is by having long, meaningful
late night conversations with them.
So, why don't you and Archie wait for your respective
gatekeeping adults to go to sleep?
Then, call each other up on the telephone.
Start having intimate heart to hearts
and get to know each other that way.
Well, I wish, but Archie doesn't have a telephone in his bedroom.
Shoot.
Are you sure?
I am. I can look into Archie's room from mine.
Sorry.
You can look into Archie's bedroom window from yours?
Does this mean you've glimpsed him--
Yes, many, many times.
Betty, I think I have to see this floor show for myself.
What time does the curtain usually go up?
Hey, grease monkey.
When I got home last night, I noticed a smudge on my windshield.
Why don't you bring it back to the station?
I'll take another crack at it.
I'll do that.
In the meantime, how about you get me a soda from the cafeteria...
water-boy?
Why don't you get it yourself, Julian?
I would, but I'm saving my energy,
so I can obliterate your dad's record
against Centerville this weekend.
I mean, somebody's got to do it.
And it's clearly not going to be--
Hey, whoa.
Mary, I just got here and I heard what happened.
I'll talk to Featherhead and we'll straighten out this mess.
Back off, Frank.
I'm his mother.
I'll take this round.
Gather up, girls.
I've decided on assignments for the season.
For starters, Toni Topaz will perch
at the top of our Vixens pyramid.
But I'm always the flyer.
-Not this year. -This is outrageous.
No, this is cheerleading.
Of course, if you're feeling frosted
by my leadership choices, you're welcome to quit, Evelyn. Immediately.
-I'll stay. -Sorry. What was that?
-I'll stay. -Ah, fab.
Now, on to other business.
Archie, tell me what's going on.
I saw you and your father play basketball practically every day.
You love it.
So why don't you want to play on the team?
Is it because of Uncle Frank?
No.
No, it's not, Frank.
It's... Well, you said it, Mom.
Basketball was something Dad and I did together.
Whenever I walk into a gym or pick up a ball...
I think about Dad.
And suddenly it's like there's an anvil on my heart.
And if I played, I just know
all I'd be thinking is "I wish Dad were here watching me from the stands."
I understand.
I wish that too.
And then there's the other thing.
If I played...
What if I wasn't good enough?
What if I tarnished Dad's memory?
Oh, Archie.
I know Frank suggested that your father
wouldn't be proud of you, but that is simply not true.
Your father would be so proud.
Listen, you don't have to play basketball if you don't want to.
But nothing would make your father happier than to see you play on his team.
Maybe even wearing his number.
Nothing would make me happier, too.
And one way or the other,
I'm going to ask Frank to ease up on you.
Mr. Rayberry, I...
really hope you don't get upset, but I read your novel.
Golly, I... I loved it.
-You have got to get this published. -Eh.
Just a minute. You... You stole my manuscript?
Only for a night.
You are as much of a thief as Fieldstone.
Oh, Mr. Rayberry, please, I--
No, get out of here.
Give me my manuscript.
Yeah, no, I'll go.
But you have got to get this published.
-I can help you-- -Get out of my house.
Pretty swinging how you gave that Evernever chick what for.
I always strive for the best cheer team possible.
Well...
I'd like to show you my appreciation.
Would that be okay?
Mo... More than okay.
This isn't exactly what I imagined our stakeout would be like.
What exactly did you imagine?
Truthfully? Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly in Rear Window.
Hmm.
Hello.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming
with an emergency flutter bum alert.
God bless America.
Stand back, Ringling Brothers, because this is the greatest show on Earth.
Ooh, do you have binoculars?
Never mind.
We don't even need them with the size of Archie's bulging... muscles.
Mayday. Duck and cover.
Oh, my God, I should have known.
The same thing happened to Jimmy Stewart.
Yeah, but at least he was trying to catch a murderer.
We're just peeping Patties.
Ugh!
Did you get any sleep?
- Not a wink. You? - The same.
But it gave me time to think. And if he did see us,
then he's probably just as embarrassed as we are, and won't say a word about it.
I mean, it's positively shameless.
The way he struts around like a... like a peacock,
flashing those absurd abdominal muscles over there--
Howdy, ladies.
How's it going?
Archie, good morning.
Veronica, would you mind giving Betty and I a minute?
In... In private?
-Of course. Betty, we'll catch up anon. -Mmm.
Archie... keep up the good work.
So, I...
saw you and Veronica last night.
Looking at me.
Oh, sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.
Betty, it's okay.
I liked it.
You know, my uncle's got me real busy during the day, but...
every night I end up in my room.
Every night I end up in my bedroom, too.
What if we ended up in our bedrooms,
you know, at the same time?
And...
looked at each other?
How about tonight? Say midnight?
Yeah, I'll be there.
Same.
And I'll be wearing something special.
Okay.
All right. Well, I gotta... I gotta run to the gym, Betty,
but, yeah, I sure am excited.
Betty, I'm really excited.
Me too. I'm like, beyond excited.
Hey, water-boy, stay on the sidelines.
Court's for players only.
Good.
'Cause I'm here to play.
You can't just let him on the team, Coach.
How do we even know if he's any good?
Any other questions?
All right then, let's keep warming up.
I'm not doing this for you, Uncle Frank.
I'm doing this for myself.
And for my mom, and my dad.
I respect that, Archie.
Dr. Werthers,
I confiscated this from Dilton Doiley today.
It is like fighting a hydra, Mrs. Thornton.
Cut off one head, another grows in its place.
Yes, except this particular head was written by one of our students,
Jughead Jones.
Betty.
What in the actual hell is going on here?
What in God's name are you doing?