As a doctor, it's important to know how to make small talk.
Mr. Bober, what would you like with your turkey sandwich?
Pickles!
...Of course, it's harder if your patient suffers from dementia and can only say one word....
And to drink?
Pickles!
And now, for a thousand dollars and this bag of I.V. fluid,
which is guaranteed to make you feel like you're a hundred and ninety again,
What did Peter Piper pick a peck of?
Pickles.
Oooooooh! I'm sorry, Mr. Bober! The correct answer is _peppers_.
"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled _peppers_."
NEWBIE!
Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient!?
Yes....
I've never felt closer to you.
But see, this is just exactly what's wrong with the whole system
the nursing home doctors unload this gomer on us because
they're unable to treat him. So, we get his temperature below a hundred,
and then turf him right back to the good people at Next Stop, Heaven,
where, in between mounting wheelchair productions of "Anything Goes"
and robbing the poor old bastards blind, they bounce him right back to us!
Well, on the plus side, his temperature's 99.9, so...Sayonara, Mr. Bober!
Oh, I could just give you a hug! Of course, I never would!
I could, but I never would, God save me! I never would...
Eh, no biggie. 'Cause here comes my dream girl with a smile just for me.
J.D.... You know what I love?
What?
My boyfriend Sean.
And that's when I made one of the biggest mistakes I've made in some time....
I'm really bummed out about Elliot. I just needed someone to talk to.
I called my brother.
Yeah, boo-frickin'-hoo. Listen, I'm so glad you called.
You know how Mom's getting married again for the seventh time?
Well, this is turning into such a hassle for me....
And with that, I had reopened the door that I had successfully closed years ago.
Yes, Dan, I got your eleven messages. Now, because you're my brother,
I'm gonna put this nicely: Leave me alone.
This whole Mom thing doesn't bother you?
Yes, it's killing me. So much so that I have to go, okay?
All right, buddy. I'll see you soon.
Real soon.
Wait! Dan! Hoog!
'Sup, Dan.
Christopher! Looks like we have the makings of a dog-pile here.
Turk, don't.
Sorry, dude. I gotta!
I miss Sean.
This long-distance thing is killing me.
Well, are you having phone-sex?
Uhhh, gross!
...Have you and Turk ever done it?
Last year, when he went home for the holidays, I gave him a call.
You'd be surprised at how much Turk's eleven-year-old nephew sounds like him
...and how worldly he is.
Yeah, well I'm not comfortable doing it here, anyway.
I mean, these walls are so thin, that guy next door listens to every single thing I say.
Yeah, I can hear you, there, breathing!
You sick bastard!
Look, you just need to find a place where you're not so self-conscious.
Hi, Sweetie. Are you naked? ... Okay, ummm, now imagine me taking off my shirt
and kissing down your neck and-- Can you hear me? Sean? ... Good.
Okay, now I'm at your chest and my tongue starts-- Are you there?
Good, because now I am licking your nipples all over.
Your nipples. ... Nipples, Sean! I'm licking your nipples!
Look, Oliver!
I don't care how close you are! I'll call you later!
Dude, we have to get my brother out of here -- he's driving me crazy.
I did not -- repeat, did not -- just drop a toothbrush in the toilet.
Was it blue?
Yellow.
Oh, don't sweat it. So, Mrs. D.'s getting remarried, huh?
To a loser! Total loser. This guy's making me move out of Mom's attic.
Oh, the audacity.
I know. But you know what? This is gonna be great. You know, this reminds me of the time
I came down to see you guys when you were in med school...
Oh! And I hooked up with that slutty chick! Remember, the one with the huge cans?
What was her name?
Amy.
Yeah! How do you remember stuff like that?
She was my girlfriend.
Right.
You got her number?
No.
Someone needs to stop Clearway Law. Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.
Hey! Hey! Check this out! Turk and I have been working on our harmonizing.
A-one, a-two, a-one, two three:
Haunting.
You've always had the talent, little brother. You get in on this,
and we could take this on the road!
I love the theatre....
Ah! Come to papa!
Turk! Can you please not put your skivvies in the freezer!?
I'm sick of my popsicles tasting like fabric softener!
I like my bad boys to stay nice and cold.
Make sure you're nice and dry down there, otherwise
you get a tongue-on-the-flagpole situation -- you don't want that.
Ahhhhhh!
This is a stimulating conversation. I can't imagine why Mom's new husband
doesn't want you in the house.
Me neither! And you know what, J.D.? I'm worried, 'cause I think
this marriage might actually stick.
...Unlike Mom and Dad, who tried to solve everything with sex.
They did?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Matter of fact, the only reason you were born is
'cause Mom bounced a check at the market.
Oh, that's great! I--I guess you're only here because Mom wrecked the car?
No, they wanted me.
Hey! My nephew just asked what you're wearing today. How cute is that?
Not as cute as you think.
Hey.
Carla.... I've gotta scrape some cash together to see Sean.
Okay, everyone, listen up: It came to my attention that Dr. Brogan here
has been moonlighting over at County Medical. Now, if he were to kill someone over there, great;
but if he were to make a mistake here because of how tired he was from working at his other job,
then my hospital would be liable. So, Ted, why don't you tell everyone
what my policy on moonlighting is.
No...moonlighting.
Now, Dr. Brogan will be suspended _without pay_ for one week,
but on the plus side, he gets to run around in my backyard wearing a foam suit
so I can see if my dog Baxter's attack classes were worth the money!
Is my message clear?
Yeah, uh-huh.
Yes, sir.
Uh-huh.
Absolutely, sir. Absolutely.
No moonlighting, sir!
So, where do you guys moonlight?
Insurance physicals.
Free clinic.
Mammogram-mobile. Well, not officially -- I just got the offer today
but I'd make more money than I do now, riding around in an ambulance,
and even though I'll be handling breasts all day, my beautiful fiancee,
who is very secure with the--will let me--
I ride around in an ambulance.
Dan wanted to come with me to work today, but I told him it would make me a little uncomfortable.
He was okay with it.
Now, I heard there's a bed in the on-call room. You ever get, uh, hot & heavy in there?
Nah, usually I'm in there by myself.
So, yes.
Listen, uh, my buddy Wayne lives a couple miles upstate, and so,
uh, he's got himself a new bumper pool table -- I'm gonna be taking off tonight.
Oh, thank God.
Dr. Cox! You remember my brother Dan?
Whatta ya say, Coxy!
Nothing!
That's a first.
This is my boss, Dan.
You know what a boss is: For you, that would be the seventeen-year-old
that tells you to clean out the grease-trap after you've filled all the ketchups.
Oh, my ribs!
Uh, Dan, why don't you go get a snack cake?
Snack cake.
Uh, Dr. Cox, Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today....
Good God in heaven, Newbie, there are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never;
not in a million years; absolutely not; no way, Jose; no chance, Lance; niet;
negatory; mm-mm; nuh-uh; oh-oh; and of course my own personal favorite of all time,
man falling off of a cliff --
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!..."
Look, Dr. Cox...
..."Pff."
I just want to say, thank you.
Hold the phone. You don't want him to come with us?
"Nooooooooo..." Heh. "Poof." Heh.
Dan? Come!
Thanks a lot, Turk! I didn't get that mammogram-mobile job because they said you took it after all!
What!?
Yes, I took it! But, it pays better, and we both know that this job
is about helping women detect breast cancer, and nothing more!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for work.
Well, have fun! 'Cause you'll never see "the girls" again!
Hey, Elliot, the place where I moonlight pays pretty well. I can call them for you.
Cool! What's the gig?
It's great. It's just emergency patch and fix work -- it's no different
than treating a patient at our hospital, okay?
Okay.
Oh-ho! Lookie here! Uh, tell me sir, what is it that brings Dr. Dorian's favorite gomer back to the hospital?
Pickles.
Fair enough.
What's a gomer?
A gomer's an old person that takes up room in the hospital and doesn't have the common decency to die.
See, now that's just rude is what that is.
Well, I'm sorry, dude, I don't--I don't have time for pickles right now.
I got three vegetables and a drug addict who's gonna tell me this time things'll be different,
then try to take my watch again.
Dammit!
Can't we just, you know, put a pillow over his head and put him out of his misery?
Not gonna be necessary, seeing as how his temperature is below a hundred. Take him away.
So, Dr. Cox, how long has my little brother had the desire to smother old people?
I feel I should warn Grandma.
Gonna sound a little dark, but in all fairness you gotta deal with this place any way you can.
Dude, these are living, breathing people we're talking about here.
I'm s--I'm s--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what do you do?
I tend bar.
Well, I'll tell you what, there, Dan
I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here.
But if I ever do need to find out how to make a top-notch rum and coke,
well, by gum, mister, you had better be by the phone, cause I just might give you a jingle.
Ba-ha-rrrri-hing! Hi, Dan? Coxaronie. Regarding the rum and coke issue -- couldn't be more confused!
Okay, we have another dog coming in. Do you want him or the four cats next door?
Oh, I'll go with the dog. I don't know what it is, but all cats hate me.
I mean, if I even make eye contact with them, they freak out.
Okay.
Agggghhhh! Stupid kitty! Hey! Get off me! Stupid cats!
YOU ALL SUCK!
Hi, sir.
Well, Dan, what can I say. It's been, uh, three days....
Two days.
Feels like three. But, uh, say hi to Wayne, and good luck in the bumper pool tournament.
Yeah, actually, J.D., I don't think I'm leaving.
Why!?
Well, 'cause I'm worried about you. I mean, hanging with you today
and watching you work, with the gomer talk and all the attitude now,
I'm not so sure I like the guy you're turning into. It's definitely not my little brother.
You know what, Dan, once Dad left and Mom started marrying everyone that rang the doorbell,
I remember someone saying how lucky I was to have an older brother.
But you never came through for me once, did you. I mean, I called you for help
because I'm in love with a girl who's in love with someone else, and you responded
by showing up here, drinking all my Bailey's Irish Cream, and whining about
Mom's new boyfriend. You are a self-involved user, Dan. And you wanna tell _me_
what kind of person to be? I tell you what, instead, why don't you just get the hell out of my life?
But we're brothers. That counts for something, right?
Not to me.
Whenever there's an argument in my family, it's a time-honored tradition to pretend nothing happened.
How are your chocolate chip flapjacks, little brother?
Chocolate chippity good!
More whipped cream, Christopher?
Bring it!
I just want to say before I hit the road, it's been great hanging with you;
and Johnny, I know I don't say this nearly enough, but, um--
Ooh, coffee's kicking in. I'll be back in just under four minutes.
Look, Carla, I cannot afford to be suspended right now. I'm gonna have to resort to blackmail.
How are we gonna blackmail Kelso?
No, no, no, no, no! Unless you take the fall for both of us, I'm telling Turk you're sleeping with someone.
Relax, Elliot. I have a secret weapon!
You saw nothing!
Hey, thanks for loaning me this shirt, man. I got a lot of compliments from the sistas.
Sharon the security guard even called me a cracka!
Dude, how many time I gotta tell you? Cracker -- bad!
Besides, why aren't you at home, apologizing to your brother before he takes off?
Turk, you don't get it, man. Your family was there for you.
You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction.
But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household:
It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother
who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave.
And then my militant brother Jabari -- formerly Bob -- gives my father attitude
for using the word "black", even though he's referring to the turkey.
Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off,
my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it.
But you know what we do? We kiss...and we hug...and we apologize for all the things we said...
'Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!
Now check the ball, cracka!
One-nothing.
You're home now.
Okay, I paged Dr. Kelso.
Do you feel confident about this, Ted?
I'm not sure. I don't know what confidence feels like.
Good afternoon, suspendees, Ted.
Guess who's back from the vet! One, two, three!
What a boy!
Sir, about Nurse Espinosa and Dr. Reid's suspensions,
really there aren't any grounds to punish them for moonlighting,
because they weren't working with people -- just animals.
"Just animals"? Oh, please, this dog is smarter than most people.
He's definitely smarter than _you_.
Sir, I don't think--
Baxter, sit!
Ted, sit!
Ted, you don't have to!
Shut up! I can win this!
Baxter, speak!
Ted, speak!
Hellooooooooo!
Baxter, left foot!
Ted, left hand!
Left hand, Ted.
Hellooooooooooo!
Baxter wins! He gets the desk. Baxter, go up!
Gah! Those are definitely broken! Why did you do that!?
Gee, I dunno.
Who are you?
Waiting for my brother.
Hey, Dan.
Well, isn't that perfect. You send your brother in to do the dirty work, huh?
And with an open fly, no less!
Made you look. A two-fer! Emergency Room?
That way.
So, you...taking off?
Yeah.
Look, um, Dan...I wanna apologize for everything I said.
For what it's worth, I really like having you around.
No you don't.
I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.
But, honestly, you're my brother; you can crash at my place as long as you like.
That's okay. I'll see you back home at Christmas.
Why are you here.
My boyfriend is in New Zealand for six months, and if I don't moonlight,
then I'm never gonna have enough money to see him.
My wedding's costing twice as much as I thought it would, and I need the extra cash.
Baxter won't get out of my chair.
Dr. Kelso, even though we're understaffed and underpaid,
I've been working here for ten years! I mean, all day long?
All I hear is "Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, ad lib"
Sir, what--wh--what Carla is saying, and not in any kind of crazy or, uh,
rambling sort of way, is that we work hard here at the hospital, but it's not the only thing in our lives.
Surely you must know what it's like to love someone so much that you'd do anything you had to.
I'll see you two in the morning. Now get out of my office before I change my mind.
Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years, we've been going
through the motions -- once every couple of weeks we have sex, and then
we have breakfast without saying a word. Well, tonight, I want you to put on a nice dress,
because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things
I haven't taken the time to say all these years. ... I love you, too.
That was...beautiful, sir!
Thanks, Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.
Hey, Dr. Cox.
Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.
Yeah, you don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a screw-up;
always have been. For instance, when we were kids, Mom would always make me walk Johnny
to school first day every year. Every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school! Just 'cause!
Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you were just a horrible big brother--
Well...
- -but I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap.
And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time.
For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his death bed.
Hey, listen, No offense, I'm a big fan of the tough-guy act,
but let me tell you what I really think. I think you love the fact that these kids idolize you.
Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we knew was going someplace -- sweet kid, smart kid.
Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever wanted; and yet, somehow, you've found a way
to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turned him into some cynical guy who seems
to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever.
But he hangs on your every word. So, I'm askin' -- I'm telling you --
take that responsibility seriously; stop being such a hard-ass,
otherwise you're gonna have to answer to me.
Love can give you strength you never knew you had.
It was good seeing you, Dr. Cox.
Good to see you, Dan. All the best.
Love can also give you courage.
Lots of cats today! Heh! What's wrong with this guy?
I think he's got something stuck behind his big, sharp tooth.
As for me, it's enough just to love my brother, even though I know he'll never come up big for me.
Well, Mr. Pickles, welcome back.
Here we go with this guy again.
Yep. Still, it sure is nice to be doing something you love.
I wouldn't trade it. How 'bout you?
No....
Don't forget that.
Pickles.
Damn right, sir. Damn right.
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