I'm a sick man. Last night, after three years of chasing Elliot,
I convinced her to dump her boyfriend, and then realised I don't want her.
What's wrong with me?
She doesn't have to get up till nine, and she's an incredibly heavy sleeper.
An incredibly heavy sleeper.
I needed to talk to someone who understood me,
someone I had recently been intimate with.
Not him.
This is Larry. Larry, this is JD.
- I'll go put on some underwear. - Please, Larry.
- What are you doing with that guy? - I thought I'd date a celebrity.
He's not a celebrity.
Wait a second.
Are you the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld?
No.
Say the soup thing.
Dammit.
We're getting married tomorrow. Why aren't you excited?
We've been here for an hour and you've already said it 13 times.
But we're getting married tomorrow.
- Have you been working on your vows? - Define "work."
The difference between special birthday sex and no sex on our wedding night.
I do like the special birthday sex.
When I asked you if you wanted to write your vows, you said yes.
I'm on top of it. This weekend will go off without a hitch.
How did it go picking up my brother at the airport?
- Sorry, what? - How could you forget him?
You have enough trouble getting along.
Baby, I'm joking.
Marco. The invite said "No dates."
No dates.
The reason I'm here is, first of all,
I wanted to give you back your skull lighter.
Secondly, you always seem to have some insight into why I'm so messed up.
I chased Elliot for three years. Now I don't want her.
Maybe you idealise women, and no one lives up to your standards.
- Why would I idealise women? - What's your mom like?
I love you, honey. You're the smartest, handsomest,
sweetest boy in the whole world, and no matter how hard you look,
you will never find a woman who will love you as much as I do.
I know, Mommy.
- My mom is perfect. - Look, kid, you're just confused.
Just focus on the little things you love about her.
Like the way she puts out a cigarette,
or how when she finishes a beer, she looks inside the can,
just to check if there's any left.
Sweetie, it's five to nine, and my Denver omelette's not gonna make itself.
It's five to nine? I gotta go.
He is so the Soup Nazi. Trick him.
What is it again? "You're out of luck in the soup department?"
- No soup for you. - Rad.
- What are you doing? - Just lying here watching you sleep.
I don't think my hang-up has anything to do with my sexy, amazing mom.
I'm not that much of a commit-a-phobe.
Maybe I don't feel I deserve Elliot because I have low self-esteem.
- You have really nice hands. - Nice? These are the hands of a god.
So it's not the self-esteem thing.
Then Elliot and I got to witness an event that many had spoken of
but none had ever seen.
The arrival of the janitors.
- Good morning. - Is it really?
No, I was kidding.
I'd stay out of his way. He lost the election for union president.
Who won?
Congratulations, sir.
Welcome to work, boys. Be the best janitors you can be today.
- No hard feelings, bra? - There's hard feelings.
All right.
What the...? It's like a mechanical vice.
Change is good.
Sweetheart, I slept like a log.
I didn't notice cos I was up all night with Jack.
How do you not scare him?
Do you wear a nanny mask or slap on a name tag that says, "I'm your mommy"?
I refuse to be judged by a grown man wearing a hockey jersey.
Which reminds me, Jimmy's mom called and if you guys win the big game today,
she'll take everybody to Chuck E. Cheese.
I'll buy a whole new wardrobe. To pay for it, we'll sell one of your shoes.
Great. We made him cry. If we keep this up, we're gonna scar him for life.
I don't buy into all that new-agey crap.
One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan.
I kept right on going with my birthday party.
I am not fighting with you anymore, ever.
How about this? I love that you get cold when it's 7 1 degrees out,
that it takes you 90 minutes to order a sandwich,
that you get a crinkle above your nose when you look at me like I'm nuts,
that after a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes,
and I love that you are...
- Tupac, I was watching that. - Dude, I gotta do my vows.
Come on, man. That was When Harry Met Sally.
- It was a classic. - Yeah, dude.
I was gonna rent that the other night, but I remembered I'm a heterosexual.
You couldn't remember to go to the airport.
- You told her? - Yes, he did.
If you two can stop your petty crap for just one second,
maybe we can focus on what this wedding weekend is supposed to be about.
- Love. - No. Me.
Promise me you'll get along.
- Idiot. - Tattletale.
- Get out of my face. - What?
The next person to get in my face will wish they hadn't.
Sociopath.
Catch me, stud.
Most guys would've caught me. I love that you didn't.
Cool.
Maybe Elliot's just not the right fit.
- I like stupid movies. - Let's rent Kangaroo Jack tonight.
I have uncontrollable hostility towards small rodents.
- Or we could shoot rats at the dump. - Dammit. She's perfect on paper.
What the hell's wrong with me?
- What? - Nothing.
I just love the way you drift off in your head sometimes.
I guess the Soup Nazi was right. It is the little things that are important.
Like when Elliot blows the bangs out of her face.
Or how she's the only person I know who sneezes with her eyes open.
I realised that I really liked those things about Elliot,
but I didn't love them, and I didn't love her.
You're the best.
See you later.
Oh, boy.
Oh, my God, that board meeting went on forever.
It was so dull, I had to read pamphlets just to stay awake.
I don't have testicular cancer.
Did you come across any pamphlets on People Who Only Work Eight Days a Year
and Then Spend the Other 357 Whining About It?
What part of "I'm not fighting with you anymore" do you not get?
If you want someone to fight with, you have to find someone else.
Good. You're wetting down the floor for the older folks.
Please say that you're talking to me.
I don't see anybody else around, soap jockey.
Chew louder.
I need your help, man. It's about Elliot.
- Did you sleep with her again? - How does everybody know?
I'm not in love with her, man. What am I supposed to do?
It's killing me that I could be hurting her. You're a very loud chewer.
I'd love to help, but I'm in the middle of writing my vows.
And all I've got so far is "Let's give it up for the caterers. Good chicken."
Now you're getting married it's all about you?
Now that I'm getting married tomorrow it's about me.
Still seems like you can take a minute for a friend.
Shut up, Marco.
- That was a mistake. - You're afraid you can't take me?
No. It's cos of this. Boys.
- You know where to take him. - Who's taking me where?
Maintenance? I have your names now. The maintenance brothers.
That was Father Paul. We can't read our own vows.
We have to use the same Catholic ones like everyone else.
Baby, that sucks, cos I was gonna totally blow you away.
Since you guys worked so hard, read them at the rehearsal dinner tonight.
- That's a fantastic idea. Isn't it? - Super.
Awesome. I'm gonna go work on them some more.
Unfortunately for me, I wasn't in love with Elliot.
But even though it was gonna be tough, I knew exactly what I had to do.
Ready to go? I say we pick up some Chinese and hang at home tonight.
Awesome.
I was going to stay with her for the rest of my life.
Once you embrace a relationship and decide you're in,
everything becomes easier, and I am in, baby.
- My parents are coming to town. - We must eat with them.
All right.
Thanks for letting me crash at your place while Carla's family's in town.
It's no problem. See you, roomie.
And now we live together.
What the...?
Sheila.
I assume you're saying "Let me out or I'll kill you." Not gonna happen.
I'm in a rare position of power here.
I'm only gonna let you out if you admit that you're my mentor.
I know that makes you angry, but...
I'm fine with whatever you wanna do.
- Why is your mouth red? - Duct tape, morgue drawer.
Don't piss off the janitor. End of story.
I'm ordering more pens. Do you like twisty bottoms or clicky tops?
I can't imagine anything I care less about.
Damn these twisty bottoms. We need more clicky tops.
Not gonna happen. I just told Carla to order 100,000 twisty bottoms.
Nice face. But can't you just order a box of clicky tops for me?
- No, everybody gets the same. - Fine. I'll just take these.
You just bought yourself four weekends on call.
Damn twisty bottoms.
You said you didn't care. Why are you fighting?
I can't stop.
Baby, you mean so much to me. That's why you my baby.
There were babies before you, but I promise you, baby,
you will be my baby forever, baby.
Stop saying "baby."
You're not even dressed yet? We gotta pick up Carla on the way, man.
Tell her I couldn't come up with anything, so I guess I don't love her.
- Give me that. - For what?
I'm gonna write your vows for you.
- A clicky top. - Does this mean we're amigos?
No, I love my sister and she deserves to hear something beautiful.
If your life was on the line you couldn't squeeze one eloquent thought
out of that tetherball you call a head.
Thank you.
God, I can't remember the last time I saw you in this suit and tie.
- How can you not remember those... - Oh, God, the two guys.
Their mom was trying to sing that song.
That was so funny.
Until we had to put their horse down.
Poor Cinnamon.
He could run like the wind but his tail couldn't put out that fire.
God, we have so much history together.
It's so great to finally be able to call you my boyfriend.
- Boyfriend? - Should I not have said that?
No, it's just nice to hear it out loud.
And it was nice. Here I was, having my tie tied by this beautiful woman
who happened to be one of my closest friends
and I realised this is what a relationship is supposed to feel like.
There, it's perfect.
It is.
- What's going on with you? - Jordan and I aren't...
- We're not fighting anymore. - How long has this been going on?
Since the baby came along we've been fighting less and less.
Why don't you get a hotel room, pour some nice champagne, get in a tub,
and rip each other new ones, make it special.
- She won't go for that. - You have to do something.
No, I don't, you jackass.
Sweetie, I'm getting married tomorrow.
Please?
And most of all, I wish our mom was with us tonight.
Not because she was taken too early,
but because she would see how happy you've made me
and she would love you forever for that.
And Christopher?
I've made mistakes in my life, but you've managed to erase them all,
because each and every one of them has led me to you.
That's a hard act to follow.
I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out,
I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich,
that you get a crinkle over your nose when you look at me like I'm nuts.
Like you got right now. Just like that one.
I love that you're the last person I wanna talk to before I go to sleep.
Dude, I'm working here.
It's not because I'm Ionely, and it's not because it's our rehearsal dinner.
When you realise you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone,
you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
- Turk? - Yeah, baby?
That's the speech from When Harry Met Sally.
- Those pants make your ass look giant. - Stop.
- It's for us. You suck at Scrabble. - Do I look mad?
You have so much Botox in your expressionless face I can't tell.
- Is that a frown? - What else you got?
When it's my turn to listen to the baby monitor, when you sleep, I turn it off.
Give it up. There's nothing you can say.
You and your mother are basically the same person.
What did you say? I will kill you.
You don't wanna fight in front of Jack anymore,
but I don't think that means we gotta stop all together.
You are an unpredictable, passionate person
and you challenge me each and every day.
That's the reason I can imagine being with you when I'm 70 and you're 65,
and your face is 40 and your boobs are 29.
- My face'll never look 40. - You're right. My bad.
Oh, my God, my future brother-in-law is an evil genius.
I'm gonna go check on Sally.
Not funny yet.
- You haven't broken up with her yet. - I've decided to stay with her forever.
I'm sure Elliot doesn't wanna spend her life with someone who doesn't love her.
If it's OK with you, I'm gonna take my relationship advice
from someone whose fiancée is currently speaking to him.
Give me some champagne. I need a victory sip.
Cheers. You're making a big mistake.
Elliot and I are like best friends.
We love hanging out with each other. Maybe that's love.
- Who knows what love really is? - I do.
When I look at Carla, I see the future. I see kids. I see minivans.
- I see a beer gut. On me, not her. - I hope so.
But you know what's really weird? None of that stuff scares me, not even...
- Dude, I'm trying to make a point here. - You should stand up and say that.
When I look into your eyes, I see the future.
I see kids. I see minivans.
You name it, I see it.
The weird thing is, though,
as long as I see your smile, none of that stuff scares me.
Listening to Turk made me think a lot about love.
Sometimes it can be hard to understand.
Why not say you felt that way, dumb ass?
You're so much like your mother you wouldn't have listened anyway.
- No biting. - Just take it, you girl.
Other times, love's obvious.
Anyway, I may not ever be able to tell you how much you mean to me,
but I promise I will try to show you
for the rest of my life.
I love you.
Aren't they amazing?
I don't love you.
What?
- Please don't cry. - I won't.
Oh, God, someone call 911.
Can I get a little more wine, please?
This chicken is fantastic.