I was a little nervous today.
Maybe it was because I had no idea who this guy on the back of my bike was.
- See ya tomorrow! - Will do.
Or maybe I was nervous because at 3.00
Dr Cox was gonna name me the new chief resident.
How do I know? Well, I'm the only one who applied.
But I'm also the only one who's focused enough to...
Oh, God!
Let me get this straight. You crash into their truck, and they drive you to work?
We didn't come straight here.
Come on, Dorian, you gotta want it!
Hold up. They made you move furniture?
It wasn't all bad.
Bubble wrap! Bubble wrap!
Dr Molly Clock, the new attending psychiatrist.
Yes, she was hot! But I wasn't a fan.
She's always calling me Johnny. Also, she wasn't very nice.
Sit with us. We'll make room, even if I have to stand.
What a bitch.
Plus, she's always with Elliot,
and since I dumped her, we weren't getting along great.
Anybody got any extra ketchup packets?
Thank you, Elliot.
What are you gonna do now your residencies are over?
I'm still a resident.
Dr Kelso said I'm the first medical resident
to repeat his third year in the entire history of the hospital.
- That's a bad thing. - I'm staying positive.
I'm starting my endocrinology and metabolism fellowship.
I'm looking forward to cataloguing the genetic variations of hirsutism.
Really? Excuse me for taking an interest in hormonal regulatory research...
I still think you'd make a good chief resident.
For the five-billionth time, I'm not interested.
- You'd be a great chief resident. - You do?
- I just said that. - I know.
Sorry, ladies. Job's taken.
Dr Cox is naming ass-face here at 3.00.
- It's too late. - Maybe it's not too late.
- Yeah, it is, Carla. - Maybe it's not.
- You're right. - What the hell?
- They're against you. - I'm invisible, I'm invisible...
- Dr Cox? - Goddamn it!
Can I still be considered for the chief residency?
She asked, without a prayer.
Sure. Why not?
Raise it, raise it
And grind it Grind it, grind it
You OK, buddy?
I just needed to talk to someone.
Tough break, JD.
You've dreamed of being chief resident since you were a boy in Trotwood, Ohio.
What? How does he know that?
Thank you, Frank.
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What do you think, Perry?
Either this kid has a light bulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.
- Excuse us, Lyle. - Come on, newbie.
- Hey, do you have a magazine? - Not in me... I mean, on me.
That young man's father is very important.
Don't tell me. He donated a wing.
- He donated a wing, thigh and a breast. - Sir?
Yes, genius, in this metaphor the hospital is a chicken.
Please, sir, I totally get that. How could a hospital be a chicken?
Focus on nothing else.
What a jerk.
When Elliot asked if she could run for chief resident, that was a goof, right?
Ran all those tests on Mr Landesman.
Top-notch work there, Barbie. She's good.
She's very, very, very good.
Oh. Sorry. Where were we?
I am a professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot.
Well, JoJo, right now she's winning.
Let me know how to get on top. I'll do anything. Even if I have to kill!
Start by getting the light bulb out of this genius's pooper.
Impress me.
Oh, I'll impress you!
Hit the water!
I'll impress him some other way. Doug! Stay positive.
Awesome!
Perry. I have a cousin named Perry.
Actually, no, he's not my cousin. And his name isn't Perry. It's Jeff.
That's funny. I have an uncle named "Stop bothering me."
Interesting.
Dr Kelso said that since psychiatrists are the Wal-Mart greeters of medicine,
I need to publish a paper to earn my keep.
I'm going to do a study about conflict resolution between hospital personnel,
and I was wondering if I could observe you.
Look, "doctor,"
us real doctors are here to work, so there's not a whole lot of conflict.
My day is already bad enough on account of I gotta tell Mr Roman that he...
Oh, my God. Mr Roman doesn't need to have surgery.
I never get to give good news.
Subject elongates words when excited.
Mr Roman, great news!
I don't need surgery. Dr Turk just told me.
You should've seen him. He was so happy he started dancing in his bed.
It was sort of, like... From the waist up.
You stole my moment, and you will pay.
Oh, this is good.
Molly helped me fill out my chief resident application,
so, gonna give it to Dr Cox.
There you go, working girl.
I told Elliot a million times that she would be a good chief resident,
but she just ignored me.
- Maybe she's racist. - Whatever. It's fine.
It's not like all my friends are gonna go to Molly for advice.
If you want to talk about your husband, we can go to my office now.
Excuse me.
When Turk told me he pissed Dr Cox off by stealing his moment,
I decided not to share it with Elliot.
Dr Cox, can you look at my patient's rash? It's weird.
I'd love to look at your patient's rash, but also, if time allows,
maybe we could go over some preliminary ideas for your wedding dress.
I have sketches in my locker.
Barbie! Listen carefully, because the policy remains unchanged.
Unless someone is dying, and note, dying, not dead, I'm not interested.
And PS, a real strong showing for a chief resident candidate.
God almighty.
Don't feel bad. You couldn't have seen it coming. Awful, though.
Well, I'm off to Pilates.
I didn't feel bad. A lot of people were playing dirty.
I told him all about the surgery and he's good to go.
So what do you say we yank out that gallbladder?
That's the way you tell me I need major surgery?
You said you told him.
Why would I steal your moment?
Except for maybe because payback is a bitch.
Have one, baby. You'll feel better.
Turk, I heard your conflict with Dr Cox escalated.
He's starting to look like the break-out character,
the one people love to hate.
In my opinion, it is more effective to address the situation
than it is to become self-destructive by overindulging a sweet tooth.
She's right.
Eat that cookie or we'll divorce.
- Baby, I'm not hungry now. - Eat it.
- What? - It's 3.00.
3.00's when you announce new chief...
Barbie, you're chief resident.
- Very funny. - So not joking.
Oh, my God. Now I know how Liza Minnelli felt.
When she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay pan-faced alien.
Newbie, how you doin'?
Keep it together. It's "be a man" time.
No, no, I totally understand. Come on. You did what you had to do.
You went with your gut. Elliot's a great doctor.
I do have three questions, though.
Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love?
Who's gonna tell my mom?
And what am I supposed to do
with 10,000 "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards?
Yeah, Scarlett, you're chief resident too.
What, now?
With her being ridiculously book smart
to the point where she has no interpersonal skills
and you being cuddly as an un-potty-trained labradoodle
and as useful in medical situations as an un-potty-trained labradoodle,
together, the two of you make one barely passable doctor...
...slash labradoodle.
So if we'll both be chief residents, why didn't you just say that?
What, and miss your hall of fame hissy? Not on your life. Walk with me.
John Dorian, Chief Resident.
Elliot and I doing this together is gonna be a little tough.
- We're going through a rough patch. - I get that.
What you need to do is give each other tons of space. Here's your office.
Well. Enjoy.
Maybe I wasn't clear. This patient is important.
Translation: Don't pass him off to dumb guy.
I take issue with that.
You were gathering a group of large orderlies
to get the light bulb out by doing what?
- Shaking him like a beach towel. - Goodbye.
Last chance, Perry. Fix this kid.
I paged a surgical consult.
Of course you did.
I heard this guy's got a light bulb up his arse.
Are you the surgical consult?
No. I'm not even working today. I just want to ask him four questions.
Whazzup?! Dr Tizzurk is in the hizzouse...
Conflict is everywhere,
whether it's out in the open or bubbling just under the surface.
By doing this study I realised some of the most interesting conflicts
are when one of the parties doesn't realise they're in a fight.
Really?
I guess the only thing to do when you're in the middle of it
is to hope that nothing makes it worse.
Cleaning time! Don't worry, I'll go fast.
That one got away.
- It burns! - Ammonia burns?
Write that down.
I'd be happier if I didn't have to share the job with such a jerk.
Elliot, I can hear you.
This situation would be perfect for my study.
- Oh, no. - Don't worry. Everyone's anonymous.
I'm only using initials. You'll be JD.
Great. Maybe we could make it permanent.
- Johnny. - Of course not.
The way I see it, you guys can get past it and talk like adults,
or you can behave like petty children.
We decided to go petty.
Instead of sharing you, we're gonna separate you into two resident teams
so that JD and I never have to see each other.
- I'll take Doug. - Yes! Suck on that.
Thanks, JD. First pick.
You're the only one whose name I know.
- I'll take Indian Elvis. - Yes!
- Pick the hot chick. - Shut up, Doug!
We'll take the hot chick.
- Name's Amy, actually. - John Dorian, Chief Resident.
Website's on the back.
I've got a two-hour break between patients.
Do you want to grab lunch? Or dinner? I'm not sure what time it is.
Elliot and I weren't the only ones to go petty.
You know what? I have a barbecue to go to.
Why don't you meet me there?
Cool.
- Hey, are you Todd? - Oh, yeah.
- Carla said you're having a barbecue. - No. But stick around.
I'll see if we can get something cookin'.
- This is Pat and Frank from 4G. - Hi. I'm Molly.
And you're naked.
Uh-huh.
Awesome.
Why don't we just reach up there and tug that bad boy out?
It's not a rabbit in a hat. If you tug on it, it's going to break,
and if it breaks, he's going to need surgery, and if you perform it,
then he's going to need a casket.
So why don't you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives?
I thought nobody wanted to take the case.
At first, but now that it's a hospital mystery, every jackass in the joint
is going to want to come in here and give their two cents' worth.
If we could just find the lamp the bulb came from.
Leon's trained to retrieve things.
That's why my wife and I use candles.
Zeltzer, you are the most disturbing man I've ever met in my life.
Oh, stop it. Hey, are you and your wife open-minded?
That's it! I want everybody to get out who is not an expert on light bulbs.
Go on, get out. Out, out, out!
What are you still doing here?
What you have there is an A-21 bulb on an E-26 base,
burning 100 watts, putting out about 130 volts.
You're helping me.
Not so fast. You're working with me, tall man.
Actually, no.
If I had the time, maybe, but I've got a room to clean.
Keep up, people. We got pre-rounds to do.
Get the lead out, Elvis.
OK, she's gone.
Now, I've heard some rumours there's been some fraternising
with some of Dr Reid's residents.
I don't want to mention any names, but, Slobodan, enough of that crap!
Watch your ass.
Now, come on, you nerds.
Carla, Todd has something he wants to say to you.
I'm sorry if I ever demeaned you.
My feelings about women were warped
by a very unhealthy relationship with my mother.
We made out once.
That's good, Todd. Keep going.
Monique, I owe you an apology.
You fixed the Todd?
Without regular therapy, it'll only last a week.
So, you're mad at me.
Excuse me?
You're not mad at me.
Why did you just close your eyes at me?
I've never been able to wink.
Oh. I'm not mad.
You're stubborn and proud, but you're nice, so eventually you'll tell me.
No, I won't.
Let go of that anger.
Not my office.
- How's it going in here? - Go away!
You kind of harmonised on that. That was cool.
It's not about the argument anymore.
It's a competition about who can be stubborn the longest.
The real winner's gonna be who has the guts to apologise first.
I got something to say!
Sorry about the gallbladder thing. I win!
Dammit!
You surgeons ride in on your white horse and save the day.
The best news I ever get to give everybody, anybody, ever,
is, "By the way, ma'am, were you aware that that breathing tube in your neck
also comes in day-glo pink?"
Come on, look, bottom line, I really needed a win.
I did, and I finally got one, and, you, you stole it, man.
I needed one too.
Where's my win? Think anybody thanks me for cleaning bathrooms?
The bathrooms are filthy.
No one was thanking me, so I quit cleaning them.
Holy cow. You realise if we could get a tight clamp around the bulb...
No, no, you'll break the thing. Here's the thing about bulbs.
They're structurally weak at the narrow end. The round end is strong.
- If we can get behind the bulb... - We go down the mouth.
Your turn's over.
All we need to do is thread an angioplasty balloon past the bulb...
Inflate it...
- And then pull. - Pull it.
I concur.
- Doctor. - Doctor.
No.
Doug wanted me to give this patient 500,000 milligrams of morphine.
I thought I'd check with you before I killed a man.
Unbelievable, Doug.
I just came to check on my patients.
Do what you want. Just don't come to my area.
You couldn't pay me to come.
- I wouldn't pay you. - You don't have enough.
I have a rich uncle who'd do anything for me,
but I'd never call in that favour to pay you to come to my area.
Got her.
I hate to interrupt, but you need to take a look at this man.
- Elliot, he's in V-tach. - Get the crash cart.
One milligram epi.
The best thing about this place
is that when someone's in trouble, all the pettiness melts away.
What are you doing?
Well, I'm tired of trying to find my office, so I just set up shop here.
Oh! OK, that's not weird. Look, I want to apologise for my wife.
She'd never admit it to you,
but she likes to be the person who tells everybody what to do.
Apparently she can't get enough of it at home. Right? Right?
Wrong. Look...
If every once in a while you could let her be the one to give the advice,
you guys might end up being friends.
I can do that...
...and tell Carla that you did well.
You truly underestimate how proud my wife is.
If she knew I was here, she'd kill me.
All right.
What happened to the part about how much I help people?
- She said I did well. - Turtlehead.
You're gonna want to get a piece of this. Come on.
- Where'd you get the coat? - I earned it.
Let's get our moment.
- Thanks for all the hard work, Bob. - Glad to do it.
Oh, and, Bart, I think Lyle might be ready for that rough-sex-play talk
you had with your other boys.
Too late.
Can you imagine us trying to do that three years ago?
I know. Remember our first code?
Well, I remember hiding in a supply closet.
That's the one.
Ultimately, conflict is resolved
by remembering why you were friends in the first place.
Don't hang up, Lester.
Talk to her. You know her better.
Or by swallowing your pride.
I know what you're doing.
But I'm OK with it.
- He's coming. - Get your arse out here.
Or by uniting against the moment-stealing common enemy
who took credit for your ingenious method of debulbing a patient's keister.
Good Lord!
In the end, though, it doesn't matter how you get there.
As long as you're friends again.
I miss this. Just, like, hanging out, you know?
Me too.
We should go get coffee.
We're having coffee.
No, no, I mean, like, outside coffee. Real world coffee.
The point is we should hang out outside the hospital sometime.
JD, I still need time.
That's gonna be hard for you because you like to fix everything right away.
You just do the best you can, OK?
- Is it fixed now? - Nope.
Shoot!
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