In my four years, there have been many emergencies at Sacred Heart,
but none like this one, because today...
Where is he?
Dr Cox's son needed two stitches.
- I got here as soon... - Shut it, Newbie.
Your blacker half is concentrating.
- How are you holding up? - I'm a little nervous.
Well, now you make me all nervous.
I'd focus, because that tiny patch of skin on my son's forehead
is more important to me than then entirety
of your high-fiving, head-shaving,
air-balling, insulin-needing existence,
which I guarantee will come to an abrupt, very unnatural end.
OK, I'm done.
We all held our breath together.
The surgeon lives!
The Todd forgot to breathe again.
Starting CPR.
Mr Gerst, what seems to be the problem?
- I took some pills. - Come on, help me out here.
Happy pills, sad pills, sleeping pills, sane pills, pain pills,
- brain pills, Spain pills... - Man pills.
The commercial says consult a physician if the condition persists
- for more than four hours. - If what persists?
Let's just say you took uppers.
Dude, check out what I found when I was taking out the trash!
That is the most ridiculous hat I've ever seen.
And I must have it.
Aren't you gonna be late to meet Carla?
I've got time.
Turk and Carla were having trouble, so she'd been staying at Elliot's.
You were late the last time.
But I set the clock ahead an hour so I wouldn't be late.
I set it back three so we could see what it felt like in Honolulu.
I set it ahead five so I wouldn't feel like a skeeve
for watching porn in the day.
I set it back to 8.08, turned it upside down to see if it looked like "Bob",
- which it does... - That's true.
Which means that it's actually...
- 9.52! - 9.52!
My God! I gotta be downtown in, like, eight minutes!
Dude, we're never gonna make it in time!
- Take a shortcut through that hedge! - You got it, player!
Hold on, buddy!
- That was a thick bush. - Really, Turk, was it a thick bush?
Because there's berries in my ass. Just go!
Sorry. My bad, dude. My bad.
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Don't worry, Turk, I got 'em!
Strike!
Turk, why are you wearing pyjamas?
I really want you to come home,
and on the off chance you said yes, I'd be ready to snuggle,
and that would hopefully lead to, but necessarily require,
relations of the intimate nature.
Turk, with everything that's happened, I'm just having trouble trusting you.
If there's anyone in this world you can trust, it's me.
Turk, you're the one I don't know if I can trust, so how am I supposed
to trust that I can trust you telling me that I can trust you?
My head hurts.
I wish I knew how it was going.
Sorry about your hogs, fellas. Enjoy the free espressos.
Warlord, I told you to sip it.
- Use your words. - Warlord burn mouth.
He did, cos he wasn't listening.
Napkin on your lap, Satan's Valet. Thank you.
Hey, what are you doing, Frankenstein?
Photo journal for my photography class.
Terrific. Could I see your camera?
Very interesting. Oh, there's film in it.
Hey! All my pictures were in there!
"Dead Patient With Shirt", "Dead Patient Without Shirt",
"Me in Shirt Being Yelled at by Angry Family".
Do you have any idea of what would unfold
if Jordan were to see that picture?
It is a heart-wrenching tale of woe involving Jordan's second cousin,
who plays for the New England Patriots,
and me having a Super Bowl ring removed from my oesophagus.
Jordan's never going to see these stitches.
Well, I hope you realise this means war.
Buzz off, you big monkey.
Poor Mr Gerst.
What's that like, to have an erection for nine hours.
Ask me in 20 minutes.
Get this. He doesn't have erectile dysfunction. Why take those drugs?
What's this?
Why, it's a dummygram, and it's addressed to you, Barbie.
Let's read it and find out what's in there. You are disturbingly naive.
Stop. Almost 50 percent of ED drugs are taken by recreational users.
- Stop. - That can't be true.
Everyone, would you go ahead and close your eyes for a second?
Great. Now, would all the men in the room who have tried Mr Happy pills
go ahead and grab your fork and bang your glass.
Thank you.
Ted, everyone stopped!
Oh, damn it!
- She's got this trust issue. - Just tell her she can trust you.
I did. If I'm the one she didn't know she could trust,
how is she supposed to trust me telling her she can?
- My head hurts. - Mine did too.
- I need you to go in. - No way.
It's never smart to get in the middle of a relationship.
I'll let you wear my top hat.
Hey! Want to grab a beer?
Lose the hat.
- Hi. - Hello, there.
What's with all the Band-Aids?
Jack was getting nutty, having some fun. See, I even let him put one on me.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Are those stitches? - What are the odds you'd pick that one?
Jack just... He just fell off of the jungle gym.
You're not careful enough!
What about the time he brained himself?
- That was an accident. - Quick question.
Why is it an accident when he's with you,
but when Jack gets hurt on my time, I'm not careful enough?
Because I...
Oh, dear God.
You're speechless.
I won! I won an argument. Jack, it's unprecedented.
We'll be at the playground drinking beer. Oh, God, we love beer!
But...
That guy needs to do some serious thinking about baseball.
- He wouldn't even let me see it. - Meathead.
Good, you both looked.
Now, Mr Gerst came here for help, and we're doctors,
so how about we try and treat him with a bit of dignity and respect?
That man is a human sundial.
It's so nice to get out.
Do you know who sings the song?
I can tell you who doesn't: Billy Joel,
who brought us hits as Uptown Girl and Matter of Trust.
Speaking of trust, you know who's trustworthy? Turk.
I call him Turkey-Turkey-Turkey- Turkey-Trust-Trust. A little nickname.
J.D., I know what you're trying to do and it's very sweet,
but the last couple of days have been so messed up and confusing,
I'd love to just try and forget about it and have a few drinks, OK?
I'd talk about him until you made me leave.
- I'll let you put the hat back on. - Two appletinis, governor.
Look at my girl. Right back up on the monkey bars,
after she chipped her tooth there last week.
My kid's got a forehead full of stitches from leaping off the jungle gym.
When my wife's not around, I let her stand on my shoulders.
Really? Wait till you get a load of this.
OK, here we go. What are we doing? Come here, you. You come here, you.
Giant man, why are you making that noise?
Because my camera doesn't make a real sound,
and it's more fun that way. See? You go...
Look happy. Look sad.
Look crazy.
Look like you're going away.
You need to set an example of professionalism.
You're not gonna do that by making fun of that man's slinky-doo.
Don't pull me! I'm your boss, for God's... Hello!
Well, Mr Gerst, your situation doesn't seem to be reversing itself,
so I think we're gonna need to schedule a procedure to relieve the...
Woodiness.
My fiancée is 24. She said she wanted to do something special.
Turns out she just meant having breakfast with her family.
Those pills didn't kick in until just about the moment
I'm introduced to her 90-year-old grandmother.
And sure enough, that little lady gives me the waist hug from her wheelchair.
I need that chart.
Sweetheart, it's not healthy to hold it in. Let it out.
- You know you want to. - I'm fine.
I pulled away from that encounter with Grandma Helen's breathing apparatus.
My work here is done.
Oh, my God, I can't stop! I'm sorry. I have to pee.
OK, J.D., why are we sitting up here?
Because you can see Elliot's whole apartment from up here.
J.D., you're drunk.
Carla, I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Then why can't you let go of the couch?
I can let go of the couch if I so choose.
OK, let go of the couch. Let it go.
You see?
There are many things we can't control, no matter how strong we might be...
... like a knee-jerk reaction...
I am so sorry.
I'm done. I'm done. Yes.
It's OK.
... or a janitor who has it in for you.
Hi. Look what someone was nice enough to give me.
Janitor.
Oh, thank you for helping me have some fun tonight.
You're welcome.
Sometimes you let go of the control you do have in a brief moment of weakness.
Sorry. Drunken accident.
- Nothing happened. - Right.
- Good night. - Good night.
- Buenas... nose things. - Good night.
Like she said, everything's fine.
There's nothing like the rays of the morning sun
reminding you that you got drunk and kissed your best friend's wife.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!
- It really happened? - It was nothing!
- There wasn't tongue! - No tongue!
- A friend kiss. - Were your lips parted?
No, I pursed them like this.
I remember my one lip being on top of your lip,
my other lip in the middle of yours.
Your lips were apart and I don't think that's a friend kiss!
It's a friend kiss, and we will never talk about this!
- All right. - What's going on?
- Nothing. - We kissed.
- Carla! - A friend kiss?
- Yes. Carla! - No!
You're killing me!
- This never leaves the room! - Why did you close my window?
Oh, no! She wrote "J.D. And Carla kissed" and she's gonna tell Turk!
No, no, stop her!
Don't worry, ladies, I've closed the window.
J.D., I don't have a messenger monkey.
All right, fine, I'm a little rougher than you are, but guess what?
The two of us have two distinctly different parenting styles.
You're an overbearing psychotic, and I'm, well, you know... fun.
If we can meet somewhere in the middle, I think Jack's gonna be terrific.
Besides, it's not like I ever put him in any real danger.
Flip!
Flip? What does "flip" mean, Perry?
Jack probably thinks that Mommy and Daddy are being a little too sarcastic.
Maybe.
Or it's because every time he says "flip",
Daddy does a little trick where he grabs Jack by the ankles,
he flips him upside down, he drops him down onto his shoulders and then...
...puts him in a little baby trapeze,
shoots him across the sand box without a net.
You are never taking Jack to the park without me. Ever!
Jordan.
- A trapeze? - Yeah. Photoshop. You can do anything.
Here I have you wearing a duck's bill. Get it?
Because you're a quack.
No?!
Come on. Classic comedy, my friend.
He'll learn.
I'm a horrible person. There I was, on my high horse about Mr Gerst,
then I turned out to be as bad as everyone else.
Give yourself some credit. You were worse than everyone else.
Maybe I was, but you know what? I'm gonna try and better myself.
Unlike you, I'll follow through, Mr Sign Up on the Bulletin Board
for German Lessons and Never Show Up. That's right.
It was my flier...
I broke up with my German mistress. She smells like sauerkraut.
I'm so sorry.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go into that room right now
and own up to what I did.
Hello? Did someone come in?
I had to hide from Turk, so I went to the one place
where I knew no one would ever venture.
Ted? Ted?
- A little help! - Ted, what are you doing?
I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.
Ted, lunch was four hours ago.
- Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday. - It's Wednesday.
Oh, man, I missed the Gilmore Girls!
- There you are. Hey, Ted. - Hey.
- How did it go last night? - What's with the fifth degree?
- Don't you mean third degree? - This is two degrees worse.
I can't breathe. I'm trapped in a death coffin.
I wanted to see if you got anywhere.
He knows your lying face, but silence is incriminating too. Think!
What's between silence and talking?
Turk? I thought you could take me over to Elliot's place
to get my stuff so I could move back in.
Yeah, sure... Really?
- All right, meet me downstairs, OK? - OK.
I owe you one.
You should sit down. You're looking a little purple.
I know my own body.
- Thanks for saving my ass. - Well, I wasn't saving your ass.
I didn't realize how easy it is to make little mistakes.
They're stupid mistakes that seem like nothing,
but can snowball on you and take your whole marriage with it, you know?
I feel like I understand now how Turk could have let stuff like that happen.
So I forgave him.
- Well, I guess I'm glad we kissed then. - Me too.
- You guys ready? - Yeah, we are. Let's do it.
OK, we just saw the plastic surgeon.
Jack is fine, but if the cut was four inches to the left and 7 inches deeper,
it could have potentially scratched his eye.
- That was a close one. - What a sweet little angel.
Can I just give him a little squeeze?
Of course.
Back off there, lady.
Save up all that energy for the cruise. Go on, get out of here.
Hippity-hop to the barber shop. Come on, Mom.
This hospital is literally crawling with germs and disease.
In all fairness, you don't know if that lady is a sickie,
visiting a sickie and she ran her hands all over his sickie face.
- I normally never let people touch him. - Really?
Because these photographs would beg to differ.
Old lady kissing Jack, teenage girl hugging Jack,
homeless man... holding Jack.
- Jordan! - It's just Carl.
He holds Jack when I get a bikini wax.
What's the matter with me? I don't think twice about people holding him,
yet I obsess about things like broken arms, broken legs, choking,
kidnapping, drowning, bad babysitters, pretty babysitters.
I freak out over staph infections, blood disease,
mumps, measles, sex, drugs, rock and roll
and all registered Independents. Between us, we've got it covered.
- Was this taken at my mother's house? - I gotta go.
Dude, that did not happen.
No, I'm in the hospital because I... They think I have avian flu.
I gotta call you back. How long have you been there?
Oh, 47, 48 minutes. I'm not sure. I nodded off for a while.
Mr Gerst, I'm so sorry for laughing at you.
I have to tell a story. In the seventh grade,
I was at a roller rink and I needed to go to the bathroom.
So I just skated right on into a stall and I did my private business.
When I went to pull up my pants,
I started rolling towards the door, which wasn't latched.
I don't know if you've had experience skating with underpants at your ankles.
Difficult to stop. Unless, you scream so loud
they turn off the music and everyone looks at you.
Anyway, that's how I wound up with the nickname Roller Moler.
- I'm sorry? - I have a mole on my ass.
The cute kind, not the hairy kind.
The next day I showed up at school with roller skates on,
- and everybody cracked up. - Why are you telling me this?
Because I owned up to it. This is funny, Mr Gerst.
If you don't become part of the joke, it will follow and devour you.
- Can I get a look at that mole? - No. No.
This is nice, the three of us sitting together again like three musketeers.
Yeah. And I need you guys to scrape your plates
before you put them in the dishwasher.
She's back. My baby's back!
Carla was right. If a relationship's gonna work, it has to be based on trust,
like a wife trusting her husband.
- Kid's back on the jungle gym. - Sure.
- Guess your wife backed down. - Bet your sweet ass she did.
Even if it involves a compromise.
Hey, Jack! Just blink when you want me to get you down.
Just give me the old blink-a-roonie. Terrific athlete.
I'm thinking 2016 Olympics.
Oh, God, was that a blink? Excuse me.
Or a patient trusting his doctor to help him hold on to his dignity.
Yes, and then I pulled off Grandma's breathing apparatus.
No, I'm serious.
It may take a lot of work, but it's worth it.
Wow, that was a moist kiss. Wish I was wearing an apron.
Baby, from here on out, I hide nothing from you.
It's a clean start for us.
Sports time!
Because in the end, things work out for the best.
J.D. And I kissed.
Or not.
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