After six weeks home with her baby, Carla was facing the decision
that all new moms have to face,
whether she should go back to work.
Okay, so if we take my salary and subtract the cost
of a full-time nanny, plus her health insurance,
we would still end up with
losing $5 a month?
This is completely your decision. I don't care one way or the other.
Maybe I'll try staying home with Izzy for a year.
Yes! Yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
As for me, ever since my pregnant girlfriend left,
I've been a little clingy with my roommate.
J.D., I'm gonna get a drink from the water fountain.
You wanna come?
Please, Elliot, I'm not that desperate.
Although I am a little parched. Plus I could hold back her hair.
Are you okay, ma'am?
How many fingers do you see?
Call 911 Emergency
Why are you singing?
Wait, why am I singing?
Is there someone here with you?
Someone that we could talk to?
- Are you okay? - Are you okay?
- Are you all right? - Are you all right?
- Are you okay? - Are you okay?
- Are you all right? - Are you all right?
- Are you okay? - Are you okay?
- Are you all right? - Are you all right?
The mind's a freaky thing, Elliot. Maybe she does hear singing.
Yeah, well, I haven't sung since the sixth-grade talent show
when I did Pat Benatar's Hell is For Children,
and then afterwards Mr Shemin, the emcee, said,
"No, actually, hell is for everyone who just had to hear you sing that song. "
My mom was so mad, she slept with him and ruined his marriage.
Well, let's see how she's doing.
Hello, I'm Dr Kelso I'm delighted that you came
So the doctors say you fainted And you don't know what's to blame
Well, put your mind at ease There's no ill we can't outsmart
On behalf of all who work here
- Welcome to Sacred Heart! - Welcome to Sacred Heart!
Our facilities are excellent You couldn't ask for more
As long as you avoid the bathrooms On the second floor
This is Dr Cox I'll be giving him your chart
And that's Dr Kelso The kiss-ass of Sacred Heart
You say you burnt Your hand real bad
We'll fix you up with gauze
Perhaps you need your fat sucked out
- Or want a smaller schnoz - Hey!
You've caught an S. T.D. From some tasty little tart?
We swear we won't judge you Here at Sacred, here at Sacred
Here at Sacred Heart!
One more thing that I should mention If what I've heard is true
And everyone appears To be singing to you
Your case is very serious And we'd better start
'Cause if you think we're singing You belong at Sacred Heart!
Doctors! Nurses! Patients! Dead guys!
Welcome to Sacred Heart
So, Mrs Miller passed both the audiological and neurological exams.
We cannot find anything that explains why she's hearing music.
No? How about this for an explanation?
She's cuckoo-pants.
Run some more tests and turf her to psych.
Hey, Mrs Miller We just need a stool sample
Why do you need a stool sample If you think I'm just a nut?
'Cause the answer's not in your head, my dear, it's in your butt
You see
Everything comes down to poo
From the top of your head To the sole of your shoe
We can figure out What's wrong with you by
Looking at your poo Turk?
Do you have a haemorrhoid Or is it rectal cancer?
When you flush your dookie down You flush away the answer
It doesn't really matter If it's hard or if it's loose
We'll figure out what's ailing you As long as it's a deuce
Yes!
- Everything comes down to poo - Everything comes down to poo
Cardiovascular and lymphatic Yes, the nervous system, too
All across the nation We trust in defecation
Everything comes down to poo
If you want to know what's wrong Don't sit and act so cool
Just be a man and eat some bran And drop the kids off at the pool
My stomach hurts!
Check the poo
I sprained my ankle!
Check the poo
I was shot!
Check the poo
A homeless guy threw poo in my eye.
Check the poo
Mine or his?
First him, then you
It may sound gross You may say, "Shush"
But we need to see What comes out of your tush!
Because
- Everything comes down to poo - Everything comes down to poo
Whether it's a tumour Or a touch of the flu
Please won't you pinch us off A big fat clue
Our number one test Is your number two
If there's no breeze Light a match please
Everything comes down to
- Doo-doo - Doo-doo
Everything comes down to poo
You can touch her, it's okay.
Guess what, you guys?
I put an offer on a little house and it just got accepted!
- Congratulations! That's awesome. - I own a house!
Come on, baby. See you!
I'm so excited for us!
Does he think that he's moving in with me?
That would be a "yes. "
Excuse me, ex-Nurse Turkleton,
but if you want to hang out around here you're going to need a visitor's badge.
So, Carla, when will you be back?
Not for a year
- A year? - A year?
Not for one long
Long year
We understand you love that kid But this ain't no way to treat us
And I hesitate to say you did What Judas done to Jesus
When you leave us all we'll be upset
Look out, that floor is very wet
We're going to miss you, Carla We're going to miss you 'round here
- We're going to miss you, Carla - We're going to miss you, Carla
- We're saying this through our tears - We're saying this through our tears
How we ever going to get along without you for a long, long year?
Who'll tell me that My new toupee looks sweet?
Who'll treat my gay son's rash And be discreet?
Who'll give me better ways to say "Man meat"?
Thanks, I'm using that!
We're going to miss you 'round here
We're going to miss you, Carla
We're saying this through our tears
How we ever gonna get along without you for a long, long year?
My baby's made the choice To be at home and not at work
So let us all rejoice
'Cause she's the brand-new Mama Turk
He's right, of course, and yet my heart In spite of this feels torn apart
We're going to miss you, Carla
We're going to miss you 'round here
I need a tissue, Carla
We're saying this through our tears
How we ever Going to get along without you?
How we ever Going to get along without you...
Lunch!
It's going to be a long
Long year
Dr Cox, I'm not crazy
Am I still singing?
Singing like a bird
Dr Cox, huge news
I pulled some strings and got the parking spot right behind yours
Bumper buddies!
Still, you're not nearly as bad as her
Do you know How much you annoy me?
The answer is, "A lot"
Should I list the reasons why?
Well, I don't see why not
It's your hair, your nose Your chinless face
You always need a hug
Not to mention all the manly Appletinis that you chug
That you think I am your mentor Just continues to perplex
And, oh, my God, stop telling me When you have nerdy sex
Oh, by the way, the last time Kim was in town,
we got some Appletinis and poured them on her good parts!
See now, Newbie, that's the thing You do, that drives me up a tree
'Cause no matter how I rant at you You never let me be
So, I'm stuck With all your daydreaming
Your wish to be my son
It makes me suicidal And I'm not the only one
No, I'm not the only one
It all started with a penny in the door
There was a hatred I had never felt before
So, now I'll make him pay
Each and every day
Until that moussed-haired Little nuisance
Is no more
So, now that is why I call you names Like Carol, Jane, and Sue
Like Moesha, Kim, and Lillian Suzanne and Betty-Lou
See, regardless of the names I pick My feelings are quite clear
You're a pain on every day Of every month of every year
Dr Cox, you've got to help me 'Cause I really am distressed
Can't you find another option? Won't you run another test?
If you want some kind of favour Really any kind of favour
Please just get me peace and quiet from this God-forsaken pest
I think what my bumper buddy is trying to say...
Shut your cake-hole, Mary-Beth
Or I swear to God I'll shut it soon
Congratulations We'll schedule your test this afternoon
I know J.D.'s in a bad place, but I'm an adult,
I'm making good money, I just want to live by myself.
- So, just tell him. - Oh, so it's that easy?
Then why don't you just tell Turk that you want to go back to work?
Well, what the hell am I gonna do?
I could tell a bunch of lies
I could buy him his own place
I could bring the baby here with me
Or tell him there's no space
- Those are some lame-ass ideas. - We are so screwed.
I'm sure you must be scared Not knowing what this test will bring
It could prove that you are crazy Do you still hear people sing?
It's best to know the truth Of that I have no doubt
But you'll have to face the future When the truth comes out
We are running a test That's a waste of our time
But at least she'll accept That she's medically fine
She'll admit that she's nuts Or I'll have to say snore
Just give her the CA T scan And show her the door
While we process your results We'll take you back to wait
We've got drugs to calm you down So you don't stress about your fate
It's best to know the truth Of that we have no doubt
- But you'll have to face the future - You'll have to face the future
When the truth comes out
You're going to miss it, Carla You're going to miss it 'round here
Gonna hurt him badly
But you can't stay away For one whole year
I know that I'm not crazy
Everything comes down to poo
I hope that I'm not crazy
When we move I'm going to have My own private loo
How am I supposed to tell him That he's not moving, too?
Oh, my God
He doesn't have a clue!
I'm crazy!
If you'd like to reconsider I'd be glad to do my part
If you want, your job is open
Come on back to Sacred Heart
Look at the temporal lobe.
That could be why she's hearing music.
The biggest aneurysm I've ever seen. The woman's a time bomb.
Sometimes you're Better off not knowing
But this isn't one of those times
Your world's become a musical And your doctors speak in rhymes
It's best to know the truth Of that we have no doubt
But you'll have to face the future
How can I tell him?
How can I tell her?
You'll have to face the future When the truth comes out
So, Dr Cox, is it serious?
When the truth comes out!
Okay, we have to tell them.
They're so close, maybe they'll help each other through it.
Oh, come on, Carla, they're guys, they're not going to get all touchy-feely.
Let's face the facts about me and you A love unspecified
Though I'm proud to call you Chocolate Bear
The crowd will always talk and stare
I feel exactly those feelings, too And that's why I keep them inside
'Cause this bear Can't bear the world's disdain
And sometimes it's easier to hide
Than explain our guy love That's all it is
- Guy love, he's mine, I'm his - Guy love, he's mine, I'm his
There's nothing gay about it In our eyes
You ask me 'bout this thing we share
And he tenderly replies
It's guy love
- Between two guys - Between two guys
We're closer than The average man and wife
That's why our matching bracelets Say "Turk and J.D."
You know I'll stick by you For the rest of my life
You're the only man Who's ever been inside of me
Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.
- There's no need to clarify - Oh, no?
Just let it grow More and more each day
It's like I've married my best friend
- But in a totally manly way - Let's go
It's guy love, don't compromise
The feeling of some other guy
Holding up your heart into the sky
I'll be there to care through all the lows
I'll be there to share the highs
- It's guy love between two guys - It's guy love between two guys
And when I say, "I love you, Turk"
It's not what it implies
- It's guy love - It's guy love
- Between two - Between two
- Guys - Guys
No hands.
Okay, I'll go first.
J.D., I want to live by myself.
Okay, no problem. Turk, will you relay this?
That means you guys are no longer talking.
J. D!
Wait a second, what did she mean, she'll go first?
Turk, I want to come back to work. It's who I am.
Well, I always thought family was the most important thing
to Puerto Ricans.
I've had it up to here So let me make it very clear
Because I swear I'll never clue you in again
Every time that you profess I come from Puerto Rico
Yes?
For the last time, Turk, I'm Dominican!
Don't make a big to-do I was simply testing you
Then why'd you tell J.D. Our baby's Blaxican?
Babe, you know I know the truth
Well, I need a little proof
So list all you know about me Or no sex again
- Let's see, your name is Carla - Oh, yes
- You are Latina - Impressive
You're a nurse, your mother's dead And... Wait, I've got it
- Three sisters - Turk!
Two sisters? Well, I'm sure you have A brother who's a huge jerk-off
Tell me, what's my middle name?
Okay, I'm tired of this game
Let's forget it, I give up I guess you win again
But it's not just me who gets mixed up By all this crazy ethnic stuff
Sorry, even I know she's Dominican
Did I grow up in Illinois Or was it Michigan?
How long before we met Was I in medicine?
Was our wedding song The Beatles or Led Zeppelin?
Am I freakin' Puerto Rican Or Dominican?
The thing is guys remember facts
Like what Derek Jeter hit last year Which was. 303
And that is why our brains are maxed
And there's no room for things like Birthdays or ethnicities
Well, thank you for that glimpse Into the workings of the inner man
Let's talk about your job And not the fact that you're
Dominican!
You're not staying home from work?
Will that make you happy, Turk?
I'll support you if you choose To earn the Benjamins
Then I'll return to work today Now, you're sure that that's okay?
I say, "Si" Which is "yes" in Dominican
- And Puerto Rican - Turk!
But you're Dominican!
Look, J.D., I don't want to let you down when your life is so crappy.
- Move in with me. - No, Elliot, it's okay.
I was just feeling sorry for myself.
Plus, it's about time you lived on your own.
You're closer to 40 than 30.
- J.D., I'm 29. - I'm playing with you.
Listen, we're gonna be fine. You know why?
We'll be friends forever We're going to be friends forever
We will always be true
Friends forever We're going to be friends forever
I'll always be there for you
We're as close as
The vena cava and the aorta
We're best friends just like
Amoxicillin and clavulanic acid
The tibia, the fibula The left and right ventricle
A hypodermic needle And a latex tourniquet
Diverticulitis and a barium enema
The vena cava and the aorta
Amoxicillin and clavulanic acid
The tibia, the fibula The left and right ventricle
A hypodermic needle And a latex tourniquet
The vena cava and the aorta
Amoxicillin and clavulanic acid
The tibia, the fibula The left and right ventricle
A hypodermic needle and a...
What's going to happen? What does the future hold?
So many things that I put off
Assuming I'd have time
Assuming I'd grow old
What's going to happen
And will I be alive tomorrow?
What's going to happen to me?
You're going to be okay
- That's what's going to happen - That's what's going to happen
Everything's okay We're right here beside you
We won't let you slip away Plan for tomorrow
'Cause we swear to you You're going to be okay
I'm going to be okay
- That's what's going to happen - That's what's going to happen
- Everything's okay - Everything's okay
We will never leave you Right here we will stay
- Plan for tomorrow - Plan for tomorrow
'Cause we swear to you
You're going to be okay
We hope
- Did it work? - You're gonna have to tell us.
Thank you.
By the way, who was the best singer? You know, like, in your head?
Don't let the fact that I went to theatre camp affect your decision.
In musicals, there's always a happy ending.
But in life, sometimes when you get what you want,
you end up missing what you left behind.
Whether it's your roommate...
I'll see you in a little while, okay.
...or time spent with your child.
Or even the music you used to hear in your head.