1 00:00:02,877 --> 00:00:06,426 I'm such a total loser. My girlfriend and I broke up, 2 00:00:06,715 --> 00:00:09,866 I live in a tent, plus I feel sick enough to actually get checked out, 3 00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:11,693 and guess who's on call? 4 00:00:11,886 --> 00:00:14,275 - That doesn't look right. - What? What is it? 5 00:00:14,806 --> 00:00:18,879 You have a penis, or that's what I think it is. 6 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:20,827 It's a penis. 7 00:00:21,354 --> 00:00:23,788 Fair enough. Why don't we go ahead and give you that blood test? 8 00:00:24,649 --> 00:00:26,241 I wasn't the only one suffering. 9 00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:28,877 Turk's intern, Milos, was driving him nuts. 10 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,421 See, Milos was already an accomplished surgeon 11 00:00:31,656 --> 00:00:36,207 in his war-torn homeland, but he still had to re-do his residency here. 12 00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:40,893 Okay, everyone, let's take a look at that subcuticular stitch on Mr Roth's chest. 13 00:00:41,624 --> 00:00:43,421 That is beautiful. 14 00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:45,981 We could all learn from whatever attending did that. 15 00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:48,168 It was me. Would you like to take break? 16 00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:50,770 I finish taking frightened bunnies on rounds. 17 00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:53,284 No, Milos. I would not like to take a break. 18 00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:54,990 I'm absolutely fine right here, thank you. 19 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:56,374 Okay, fine. 20 00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:58,842 You know what? Everyone head down to observation and check out 21 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,731 Mr Foley's arm re-attachment. 22 00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:08,652 What, you don't think you can learn from seeing an actual 23 00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:10,418 arm re-attachment, Milos? 24 00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:16,061 I re-attach child's arm once in rusty shell of car. 25 00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:21,108 I can still see dead bodies that littered streets 26 00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:24,804 as my country burnt to ground. 27 00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:31,925 Milos is so lucky. 28 00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:35,205 Turk, you're the only one in the world who would think that. 29 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:40,453 - Milos is so lucky. - That's what I'm sayin'. 30 00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:43,337 Brown Bear, thanks for spending so much time with me lately. 31 00:01:43,561 --> 00:01:45,153 I just feel like my whole life is in the crapper. 32 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:46,871 Oh, man, you'll turn this around. 33 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,676 There goes Buzz and Donna, off to the marriage counsellor. 34 00:01:52,278 --> 00:01:54,997 Buzz feels inadequate because he lost his job at Foot Locker. 35 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:56,514 Now his dingle won't work. 36 00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:58,895 I should not have given you the spy equipment for your birthday. 37 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,229 Are you kidding me? 38 00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:03,006 I need it so I know when I can sneak over and use the can. 39 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,887 And by the way, I'm using the front bathroom now 40 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,481 because it has a hook on the door so I can hang up my pants. 41 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,926 You finally started listening to me. 42 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:15,010 You're right, my friend. Man is the only animal that wears pants during twosies. 43 00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:16,416 It's just so unnatural. 44 00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:32,227 Newbie's test results came back. He's got vasovagal syncope. 45 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:35,530 - And that makes you happy? - If he's vigourously valsalving, 46 00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,852 he can activate his reflex and actually lose consciousness. 47 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:42,093 Carla, he'll pass out when he poops. 48 00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:50,083 Buzz, Donna? How was counselling? 49 00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,791 Would one of you mind handing me my chinos? 50 00:02:55,633 --> 00:02:58,022 Turk, I need help. 51 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:01,594 Buzz is mad. 52 00:03:16,654 --> 00:03:18,849 Well, I read up on vasovagal syncope. 53 00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:22,066 To treat it, I have to work on reducing my stress. 54 00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:24,795 At least Buzz agreed not to call the cops if I don't tell 55 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,835 all the other neighbours Donna's barren. 56 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,951 Damn, dude, you got it pretty rough. 57 00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,158 You hear that, everybody? I do have it rough, 58 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:34,734 and that's coming from a man who knows a teensy bit about adversity. 59 00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:37,156 And why is that, Turk? 60 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:40,615 - Because I'm black. - No, because you have diabetes. 61 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,684 What's hard about being black? 62 00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:47,947 Hiya! My name is Bob Kelso and I like whores. 63 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:52,330 Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? 64 00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:55,997 Because there is a time and a place for the truth. 65 00:03:56,277 --> 00:03:59,030 Now, you take Dorian's intern, Brendan, for example. 66 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:03,319 He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap. 67 00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:05,256 And what did the patient do, Doctor? 68 00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:09,655 Well, she started to hyperventilate, and then she reached for a hit 69 00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,313 of what she thought was an oxygen tank. 70 00:04:12,544 --> 00:04:14,739 It turned out to be a helium container from paediatrics. 71 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:18,702 Then she screams, "I'll kill you, bitches!" 72 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:20,958 Which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious. 73 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,570 Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? 74 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:27,115 When she ran for the door, tripped and fell and broke her femur. 75 00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:31,526 Now she's suing the hospital, and since Ted is our lawyer, 76 00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,083 what's going to happen? 77 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:37,739 Girlfriend's gonna get paid. 78 00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:40,185 So, you called this meeting to say we should lie more? 79 00:04:40,905 --> 00:04:43,100 Sorry there, Bobbo, but I'm gonna go ahead and tell the truth 80 00:04:43,324 --> 00:04:47,476 whenever I damn well please. For instance, your tie. It's hideous. 81 00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:50,745 In fact, its only redeeming quality is to divert attention 82 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:53,957 from the very visible outline of your man girdle. 83 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,551 - Too mean. - Sorry. 84 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:05,177 Hey, have fun the next couple days. I'm going on vacation. 85 00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:07,076 And you're taking a mop? 86 00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,821 Yeah. It's a custodial cruise. 87 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:14,212 Pretty cool, huh? Check this out. It's really a great package 88 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:17,317 for guys like me. Guests have the option of cleaning their own rooms. 89 00:05:17,942 --> 00:05:18,977 Where else are you gonna get that? 90 00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:22,595 There's a shuffleboard with little urinal cakes instead of the discs. 91 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:25,424 That's funny. No way! Special appearance 92 00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:28,331 by Pat Harrington, Schneider from One Day at a Time. 93 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,561 He's gonna be there signing work boots. 94 00:05:30,955 --> 00:05:32,070 Gonna be any chicks there? 95 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:35,696 No maids allowed. You know how janitors feel about maids. 96 00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:37,333 I do now. 97 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:40,143 Anyway, Todd and Ted are gonna get 20 bucks from me to tape you 98 00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:42,771 to the ceiling of the cafeteria tomorrow, and I'm telling you this because 99 00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:45,000 I figure you've already zoned out and have stopped listening to me. 100 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,175 Am I right? 101 00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,074 I don't know what the Janitor had said, 102 00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:50,061 but I feel like things are looking up. 103 00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,745 He's leaving, plus I have friends 104 00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:54,005 who are more than happy to be there for me. 105 00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:58,275 Okay, I've been taking care of J.D. all week. It's now up to one of you guys. 106 00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,903 Go ahead, honey. Use your new "go-to" excuse. 107 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,186 I can't, I have a baby! 108 00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:08,668 Hey, I have responsibilities, too, okay? I mean, Keith and I are still in the stage 109 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:10,749 of our relationship where I don't hate having sex with him, 110 00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:12,023 and I would like to keep that going. 111 00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:14,722 Elliot, I've spent the last 10 years getting J.D. through break-ups 112 00:06:14,958 --> 00:06:16,027 and emotional spirals. 113 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,165 I had to have sex with him. You ever have to do that? 114 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,854 Well, I say y'all step outside and handle this like we used to 115 00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:23,284 - back in my day. - Muskets? 116 00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,397 Bedpan race! 117 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:32,426 Put your bedpans on, Elliot. 118 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:35,031 - I thought we were carrying them. - Put 'em on! 119 00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:39,191 Last one down gets to take care of J.D. 120 00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,477 Ready, go! 121 00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:56,227 This is a hospital. Keep it quiet! 122 00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:09,459 Oh! 123 00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:14,453 - There ain't no rules in bedpan racing. - Frick! 124 00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:19,283 Totally psyched to be here, buddy. Let's start talking about your life. 125 00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:21,831 Okay, but first I have to go to the bathroom. Do me a favour. 126 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,900 Tie this string around your wrist. If you feel it tug, 127 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,587 that means I'm down. Run in and check on me. 128 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:28,891 Oh. 129 00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:34,055 How is Izzy doing? 130 00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,468 Wow, look at you, remembering my daughter's name. 131 00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:39,459 I'm telling you, your short-term memory is getting better. 132 00:07:39,668 --> 00:07:42,626 Nah, I had the nurses write some stuff down. See? 133 00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:46,952 Apparently, I like bananas, and whoa, I'm getting more surgery tomorrow? 134 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:50,182 You have a small bowel obstruction. Basically, the shrapnel in your stomach 135 00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:51,986 has caused scar tissue to form. 136 00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:55,699 In Iraq, we preferred to think of shrapnel as internal body bling. 137 00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:58,296 Well, then bling, bling! 138 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:02,991 So, have any of your patients ever died from this procedure? 139 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,784 Yeah, a couple years ago. 140 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,811 A guy had a bad reaction to anaesthesia, 141 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:10,357 but that's not gonna happen to you. 142 00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:13,649 You know what? You should have a nurse write that down. 143 00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:15,741 I like bananas. 144 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:21,509 You shouldn't have told him the truth, ooth, ooth, ooth. 145 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:25,232 - Dr Kelso... - Ooth. 146 00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:28,016 You can "ooth" all you want, but I'm not gonna BS Brian. 147 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:34,567 Look, J.D., we all have low moments in our lives. 148 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:37,885 I mean, in high school, I had this amazing teacher, Mr Higgins, 149 00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:40,134 and he was funny and inspiring. 150 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,708 I mean, he was like a second father to me. 151 00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:46,940 And then one day I found out that he was sleeping with his students, 152 00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:49,305 and I was crushed. 153 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,919 I mean, why not me, you know? And it wasn't my lazy eye, 154 00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:54,951 because that was fixed by prom. 155 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:59,194 Anyway, eventually I realised that your troubles don't seem so bad 156 00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,606 if you just stop talking about them all the time. 157 00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,821 You know what else sucks about my life? 158 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,605 Now even my neighbours are screwing with my head. 159 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,770 - You called about a wolf? - A wolf? No. 160 00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:14,532 Someone called 911 on that phone, claiming there was a wolf in this yard. 161 00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:17,076 This has Buzz written all over it. 162 00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:19,741 He's upset with me, but he won't talk about it 163 00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:22,092 because his peep won't perform! 164 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,636 He pooped in our house! 165 00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:27,348 I don't know why he can't get past that. 166 00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:35,336 Whoever has the other end of this string, that's not funny! 167 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:39,401 Oh, my boobs do look good when they're wet, though, don't they? 168 00:09:39,663 --> 00:09:41,062 Yeah, they do. 169 00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:46,461 And we'll make the laparoscopic incision right here. 170 00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:50,890 - Todd, anything to add? - Your nipples are stunning. 171 00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:52,296 Hey, thanks, brother. 172 00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:55,618 It make Milos sad that he have to answer to you. 173 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:57,779 Interns, disperse. 174 00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:02,599 What the hell is "TheToddTime. com"? 175 00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:04,729 Log on and thank me later. 176 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,291 Cyber-five! 177 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,547 - Send. - Dude! 178 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:12,768 That guy is such a meathead. 179 00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:15,376 Come on, I thought all you surgeons were a bunch of brainiacs. 180 00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:17,943 I'm sure you got straight A's since pre-school, right? 181 00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:19,831 Are you kidding me? 182 00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,834 My girlfriend wasn't the only one with 34 C's, 183 00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:24,753 if you know what I'm saying! 184 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:29,000 - No. - Yeah, I was an average student. 185 00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:36,216 - J.D., you should not drive. - I've only had two Appletinis. 186 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:39,625 J.D., I know when you're tipsy. You always get super handsy. 187 00:10:42,517 --> 00:10:46,556 You know what? You're right. Looks like I'm smugglin' raisins. 188 00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:49,289 I'm close by. I'll just push my scooter home. 189 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,794 And now for a little radio. 190 00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:58,047 Welcome to Sports Talk. 191 00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:05,085 Ah, much better. 192 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:11,376 Ah, Billy, after the Arctic and the Pacific, you're my favourite Ocean. 193 00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:21,720 Dr Kelso, what the hell? Why are you taking me off of Brian's surgery? 194 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,085 Well, since you told him you were just an average student, 195 00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:25,742 he doesn't want you to do it any more. 196 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,700 And for extra fun, guess who I got to replace you? 197 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,513 Hello. 198 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:36,894 I guess you should have followed my advice, vice, vice. 199 00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:40,397 I come back. Finish later. 200 00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:50,763 Sir, are you there? We sent an officer. 201 00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:51,957 What? 202 00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:57,626 - There better be a wolf this time. - Oh, I'm not the person who called. 203 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,952 - Wait, have you been drinking? - A little, all right. 204 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,621 - But I wasn't driving. - There's a key in your ignition. 205 00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:09,683 In this state, that's drinking and driving. 206 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:13,411 Officer, we both know you're not gonna haul me in for that. 207 00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:25,014 So, how was prison? Were you scared? 208 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,964 Actually, my cellmates were a little scared of me. 209 00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:32,855 - That's hardcore, man. - Why'd he hang up his pants? 210 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,688 After I became a member of the gang, 211 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:38,951 I even got to help initiate new members. 212 00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:43,726 - Kick him! - You like that, you punk-ass bitch? 213 00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:45,090 Take it! 214 00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:47,521 I wonder if we'll stay in touch. 215 00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:54,938 Turkleton, feel free to stop by Brian's surgery and check out 216 00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:57,827 Dr Radovichovniciviszik's operating skills. 217 00:12:58,361 --> 00:13:01,398 Unlike you, he understands the importance of good grades. 218 00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:05,338 Look, Carla, eventually it'll get out, so I'm just gonna tell everyone 219 00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:06,812 I got an S.U.I. 220 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,353 "Scooting under the influence"? Are you crazy? 221 00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:11,856 - Keep that to yourself. - Shush. 222 00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:14,859 May I have everyone's attention please? 223 00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:16,758 The reason Turk didn't want me to say anything 224 00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,919 was because this had just happened. 225 00:13:20,842 --> 00:13:23,640 You know those two upstairs who got hit by the drunk driver? 226 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:27,371 The daughter's gonna make it, but the mom died. 227 00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:30,158 Anyway, back to the present. 228 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,324 Last night, I got arrested for drunk driving. 229 00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,658 But I swear to you all, it is not a big deal. 230 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,254 No, he didn't. 231 00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:43,042 And suddenly I knew what it felt like to be universally despised. 232 00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:52,863 Fire! 233 00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:56,890 As some of you know, I'm not a huge fan of fire, okay? 234 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,604 So, why don't we talk this out? I'll go first. 235 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:03,752 Carl, obviously, I owe you an apology. I ate your daughter's face. 236 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:11,370 Uncool, Carl. Not down with the fire. 237 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:23,178 Okay, in here we have Mrs Frank, who is in renal failure, 238 00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:27,527 and over here we have Dr Turtlehead, who is suffering from 239 00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:30,943 a severe case of the "sulkies. " 240 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:34,162 Symptoms include bad posture, mopey face 241 00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:37,533 and a sudden uncontrollable flailing of the upper extremities. 242 00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:42,405 Is it possible I've misdiagnosed this malady? 243 00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:46,864 - No! - There it is. That a boy. 244 00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:48,490 Beat it, all of you! 245 00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:52,195 I can't lie to a patient 'cause Dr Kelso wants me to. 246 00:14:52,851 --> 00:14:56,605 See that guy in there? He has pancreatic cancer. 247 00:14:56,896 --> 00:15:00,445 Now, you and I both know he's a goner, but if he were to come out here 248 00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:03,407 and ask if he has hope, what am I supposed to say, "No"? 249 00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:07,286 - So are you saying I should lie? - Of course not. 250 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:11,328 See that guy over there? Now, the only way he is ever gonna 251 00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:15,168 walk again is if he goes through years of painful physical therapy, 252 00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:18,096 but if he was to come over here and ask me, "Is it gonna be hard?" 253 00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:21,293 I'd tell him, "Damn skippy, it's gonna be hard. " Gandhi, 254 00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:23,138 you gotta tell your patients the truth. 255 00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:24,853 Now, is that brain of yours starting to hurt? 256 00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:28,679 It should, because it's not as large as a normal-size brain. 257 00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:32,963 Listen carefully. Kelso lies selfishly and indiscriminately. 258 00:15:33,308 --> 00:15:36,459 You, you gotta draw your own line. 259 00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:41,908 This is half an ibuprofen. It is the perfect dose for your pea-sized brain. 260 00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:44,872 Take it after I leave. You'll save yourself the embarrassment. 261 00:15:56,039 --> 00:16:00,988 Dr Dorian? I promised the Janitor I'd show you this e-mail. 262 00:16:01,336 --> 00:16:04,806 Can you guys look away? I need to enter my password. 263 00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:11,726 Alligator3. Okay, you can look now. 264 00:16:13,431 --> 00:16:15,581 Ahoy! I just wanted to update you on my trip. 265 00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:19,802 Yesterday, we took over the ship. Captured a bunch of people 266 00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:22,744 and tied them up, pirate-style. Now, we can do whatever we want, 267 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:27,692 including this. Watch. Anything goes, man. 268 00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:32,109 I gotta go, it's my turn to steer. Step on the gas! 269 00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:36,163 Hey, thinking about you, hope everything's going as well for you. 270 00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:39,522 It's not. I can't even convince the voice in my head 271 00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:41,580 that things are gonna turn around. 272 00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:44,865 - What do you want me to say, man? - Hey, come on, buddy, 273 00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:47,086 we'll cheer you up. Come on. 274 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:53,836 There you are. You gotta help pull J.D. out of this spiral. 275 00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:57,612 Any other day, I'd say "No," but today, I'm gonna go ahead 276 00:16:57,892 --> 00:17:00,247 - and just say, "No. " - He took care of you when you were 277 00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:02,833 wallowing on your couch drinking Scotch like it was vodka. 278 00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:06,340 I accidentally killed three people. He got arrested for pushing a scooter, 279 00:17:06,609 --> 00:17:10,079 - and he passes out when he poos. - Okay, you're going to help him. 280 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:14,481 But just answer me this one question. After six long years, 281 00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:16,934 aren't you getting tired of taking care of him? 282 00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:20,127 Of course we are, but we're his friends. 283 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,091 I heard every word. 284 00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:25,284 See, unfortunately, I had forgotten that Ted and Todd 285 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,503 were under janitorial orders to tape me to the ceiling. 286 00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:33,948 But forgetting things isn't always bad. 287 00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:37,410 So, Dr Turk, you psyched to do my surgery today? 288 00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:38,971 What? 289 00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:41,702 In fact, it can give you a second chance. 290 00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:43,369 Duct tape five! 291 00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:51,875 That guy is such a meathead. I always thought you surgeons were 292 00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:56,467 a bunch of brainiacs. I'm sure you got straight A's since pre-school, right? 293 00:17:56,826 --> 00:17:59,340 A second chance to define who you truly are. 294 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,377 Are you kidding? My girlfriend wasn't the only one 295 00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:05,582 with 34 C's in high school. You know what I'm sayin'? 296 00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:11,838 Still don't know what I'm sayin'? I was an average student. 297 00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:13,331 Really? 298 00:18:14,177 --> 00:18:18,295 But when I realised I wanted to be a surgeon, I got my act together. 299 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,351 Brian, if I didn't think I was the right person to perform this operation, 300 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,559 I wouldn't do it. Okay? 301 00:18:25,647 --> 00:18:26,716 Okay. 302 00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:30,583 During those two hours I was stuck to the ceiling, 303 00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:32,889 I witnessed some pretty weird things. 304 00:18:33,530 --> 00:18:34,883 I'll see you tonight, Dad. 305 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,573 But mostly, I witnessed the greatest hits of my own self-pity. 306 00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:40,715 I can't get Dr Cox to notice me. 307 00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:43,870 I'm dating my best friend, but I don't think I love her. 308 00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:45,405 I'm lonely. 309 00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:46,698 I'm a loser. 310 00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:48,200 You've gotta help me out. 311 00:18:48,378 --> 00:18:49,970 - Help me out. - Help me. 312 00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:51,809 And I understood how my friends felt, 313 00:18:52,007 --> 00:18:54,840 because I couldn't stand it for two hours, let alone six years. 314 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,938 I wash it every day, I condition, but I just can't get it where I want it. 315 00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:05,971 For the love of God, mousse and twist! 316 00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:14,548 Don't you have something you want to say? 317 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:21,252 Listen, I would really like it if you'd go out and grab a beer with me. 318 00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:23,978 What do you say? 319 00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:26,886 And even though I'd finally gotten a totally sincere, 320 00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:31,323 spontaneous invite from Dr Cox, I knew my answer. 321 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:38,148 - No, thanks. I have plans. - Thank you, God! Yes, that still counts. 322 00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:41,962 I didn't have plans, but I did have a whole new perspective. 323 00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:46,398 You can stick to your convictions and hopefully get rewarded. 324 00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:48,236 Okay, everybody. 325 00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:51,794 I want everyone to stay focused. Good work today, nothing but your best. 326 00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:53,136 Are we clear? 327 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,191 Even if other people end up a little peeved. 328 00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:04,640 This will only make you stronger. 329 00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:10,358 And, yeah, my life was still in the crapper, but it felt good to finally 330 00:20:10,669 --> 00:20:11,988 be dealing with it on my own. 331 00:20:13,505 --> 00:20:15,621 Okay, he bought the fake cruise. 332 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:17,956 If he calls the cops now, nobody's coming. 333 00:20:18,176 --> 00:20:21,088 Time for phase three of Operation: Boy Who Cried Wolf. 334 00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:23,416 Now, Jason, we've worked on this all week, right? 335 00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:27,886 Here's what you're thinking. I'm lost in the city, I'm hungry, 336 00:20:28,186 --> 00:20:31,098 and this is the guy that killed my mom with a snowmobile. 337 00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:35,633 Make me believe it. 338 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:41,665 And go! 339 00:20:45,036 --> 00:20:46,867 Seriously, bad wolfie, bad wolfie! 340 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:50,789 Not in the face, not in the face! Jason, stop! Janitor. Wrong guy! 341 00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:52,483 Bad, Jason, no! 342 00:20:52,669 --> 00:20:54,660 Yup, things were finally looking up. 343 00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:57,871 Oh, man! No, Jason. No! Whoa!