I'm such a total loser. My girlfriend and I broke up,
I live in a tent, plus I feel sick enough to actually get checked out,
and guess who's on call?
- That doesn't look right. - What? What is it?
You have a penis, or that's what I think it is.
It's a penis.
Fair enough. Why don't we go ahead and give you that blood test?
I wasn't the only one suffering.
Turk's intern, Milos, was driving him nuts.
See, Milos was already an accomplished surgeon
in his war-torn homeland, but he still had to re-do his residency here.
Okay, everyone, let's take a look at that subcuticular stitch on Mr Roth's chest.
That is beautiful.
We could all learn from whatever attending did that.
It was me. Would you like to take break?
I finish taking frightened bunnies on rounds.
No, Milos. I would not like to take a break.
I'm absolutely fine right here, thank you.
Okay, fine.
You know what? Everyone head down to observation and check out
Mr Foley's arm re-attachment.
What, you don't think you can learn from seeing an actual
arm re-attachment, Milos?
I re-attach child's arm once in rusty shell of car.
I can still see dead bodies that littered streets
as my country burnt to ground.
Milos is so lucky.
Turk, you're the only one in the world who would think that.
- Milos is so lucky. - That's what I'm sayin'.
Brown Bear, thanks for spending so much time with me lately.
I just feel like my whole life is in the crapper.
Oh, man, you'll turn this around.
There goes Buzz and Donna, off to the marriage counsellor.
Buzz feels inadequate because he lost his job at Foot Locker.
Now his dingle won't work.
I should not have given you the spy equipment for your birthday.
Are you kidding me?
I need it so I know when I can sneak over and use the can.
And by the way, I'm using the front bathroom now
because it has a hook on the door so I can hang up my pants.
You finally started listening to me.
You're right, my friend. Man is the only animal that wears pants during twosies.
It's just so unnatural.
Newbie's test results came back. He's got vasovagal syncope.
- And that makes you happy? - If he's vigourously valsalving,
he can activate his reflex and actually lose consciousness.
Carla, he'll pass out when he poops.
Buzz, Donna? How was counselling?
Would one of you mind handing me my chinos?
Turk, I need help.
Buzz is mad.
Well, I read up on vasovagal syncope.
To treat it, I have to work on reducing my stress.
At least Buzz agreed not to call the cops if I don't tell
all the other neighbours Donna's barren.
Damn, dude, you got it pretty rough.
You hear that, everybody? I do have it rough,
and that's coming from a man who knows a teensy bit about adversity.
And why is that, Turk?
- Because I'm black. - No, because you have diabetes.
What's hard about being black?
Hiya! My name is Bob Kelso and I like whores.
Now, why don't I introduce myself like that?
Because there is a time and a place for the truth.
Now, you take Dorian's intern, Brendan, for example.
He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap.
And what did the patient do, Doctor?
Well, she started to hyperventilate, and then she reached for a hit
of what she thought was an oxygen tank.
It turned out to be a helium container from paediatrics.
Then she screams, "I'll kill you, bitches!"
Which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.
Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't?
When she ran for the door, tripped and fell and broke her femur.
Now she's suing the hospital, and since Ted is our lawyer,
what's going to happen?
Girlfriend's gonna get paid.
So, you called this meeting to say we should lie more?
Sorry there, Bobbo, but I'm gonna go ahead and tell the truth
whenever I damn well please. For instance, your tie. It's hideous.
In fact, its only redeeming quality is to divert attention
from the very visible outline of your man girdle.
- Too mean. - Sorry.
Hey, have fun the next couple days. I'm going on vacation.
And you're taking a mop?
Yeah. It's a custodial cruise.
Pretty cool, huh? Check this out. It's really a great package
for guys like me. Guests have the option of cleaning their own rooms.
Where else are you gonna get that?
There's a shuffleboard with little urinal cakes instead of the discs.
That's funny. No way! Special appearance
by Pat Harrington, Schneider from One Day at a Time.
He's gonna be there signing work boots.
Gonna be any chicks there?
No maids allowed. You know how janitors feel about maids.
I do now.
Anyway, Todd and Ted are gonna get 20 bucks from me to tape you
to the ceiling of the cafeteria tomorrow, and I'm telling you this because
I figure you've already zoned out and have stopped listening to me.
Am I right?
I don't know what the Janitor had said,
but I feel like things are looking up.
He's leaving, plus I have friends
who are more than happy to be there for me.
Okay, I've been taking care of J.D. all week. It's now up to one of you guys.
Go ahead, honey. Use your new "go-to" excuse.
I can't, I have a baby!
Hey, I have responsibilities, too, okay? I mean, Keith and I are still in the stage
of our relationship where I don't hate having sex with him,
and I would like to keep that going.
Elliot, I've spent the last 10 years getting J.D. through break-ups
and emotional spirals.
I had to have sex with him. You ever have to do that?
Well, I say y'all step outside and handle this like we used to
- back in my day. - Muskets?
Bedpan race!
Put your bedpans on, Elliot.
- I thought we were carrying them. - Put 'em on!
Last one down gets to take care of J.D.
Ready, go!
This is a hospital. Keep it quiet!
Oh!
- There ain't no rules in bedpan racing. - Frick!
Totally psyched to be here, buddy. Let's start talking about your life.
Okay, but first I have to go to the bathroom. Do me a favour.
Tie this string around your wrist. If you feel it tug,
that means I'm down. Run in and check on me.
Oh.
How is Izzy doing?
Wow, look at you, remembering my daughter's name.
I'm telling you, your short-term memory is getting better.
Nah, I had the nurses write some stuff down. See?
Apparently, I like bananas, and whoa, I'm getting more surgery tomorrow?
You have a small bowel obstruction. Basically, the shrapnel in your stomach
has caused scar tissue to form.
In Iraq, we preferred to think of shrapnel as internal body bling.
Well, then bling, bling!
So, have any of your patients ever died from this procedure?
Yeah, a couple years ago.
A guy had a bad reaction to anaesthesia,
but that's not gonna happen to you.
You know what? You should have a nurse write that down.
I like bananas.
You shouldn't have told him the truth, ooth, ooth, ooth.
- Dr Kelso... - Ooth.
You can "ooth" all you want, but I'm not gonna BS Brian.
Look, J.D., we all have low moments in our lives.
I mean, in high school, I had this amazing teacher, Mr Higgins,
and he was funny and inspiring.
I mean, he was like a second father to me.
And then one day I found out that he was sleeping with his students,
and I was crushed.
I mean, why not me, you know? And it wasn't my lazy eye,
because that was fixed by prom.
Anyway, eventually I realised that your troubles don't seem so bad
if you just stop talking about them all the time.
You know what else sucks about my life?
Now even my neighbours are screwing with my head.
- You called about a wolf? - A wolf? No.
Someone called 911 on that phone, claiming there was a wolf in this yard.
This has Buzz written all over it.
He's upset with me, but he won't talk about it
because his peep won't perform!
He pooped in our house!
I don't know why he can't get past that.
Whoever has the other end of this string, that's not funny!
Oh, my boobs do look good when they're wet, though, don't they?
Yeah, they do.
And we'll make the laparoscopic incision right here.
- Todd, anything to add? - Your nipples are stunning.
Hey, thanks, brother.
It make Milos sad that he have to answer to you.
Interns, disperse.
What the hell is "TheToddTime. com"?
Log on and thank me later.
Cyber-five!
- Send. - Dude!
That guy is such a meathead.
Come on, I thought all you surgeons were a bunch of brainiacs.
I'm sure you got straight A's since pre-school, right?
Are you kidding me?
My girlfriend wasn't the only one with 34 C's,
if you know what I'm saying!
- No. - Yeah, I was an average student.
- J.D., you should not drive. - I've only had two Appletinis.
J.D., I know when you're tipsy. You always get super handsy.
You know what? You're right. Looks like I'm smugglin' raisins.
I'm close by. I'll just push my scooter home.
And now for a little radio.
Welcome to Sports Talk.
Ah, much better.
Ah, Billy, after the Arctic and the Pacific, you're my favourite Ocean.
Dr Kelso, what the hell? Why are you taking me off of Brian's surgery?
Well, since you told him you were just an average student,
he doesn't want you to do it any more.
And for extra fun, guess who I got to replace you?
Hello.
I guess you should have followed my advice, vice, vice.
I come back. Finish later.
Sir, are you there? We sent an officer.
What?
- There better be a wolf this time. - Oh, I'm not the person who called.
- Wait, have you been drinking? - A little, all right.
- But I wasn't driving. - There's a key in your ignition.
In this state, that's drinking and driving.
Officer, we both know you're not gonna haul me in for that.
So, how was prison? Were you scared?
Actually, my cellmates were a little scared of me.
- That's hardcore, man. - Why'd he hang up his pants?
After I became a member of the gang,
I even got to help initiate new members.
- Kick him! - You like that, you punk-ass bitch?
Take it!
I wonder if we'll stay in touch.
Turkleton, feel free to stop by Brian's surgery and check out
Dr Radovichovniciviszik's operating skills.
Unlike you, he understands the importance of good grades.
Look, Carla, eventually it'll get out, so I'm just gonna tell everyone
I got an S.U.I.
"Scooting under the influence"? Are you crazy?
- Keep that to yourself. - Shush.
May I have everyone's attention please?
The reason Turk didn't want me to say anything
was because this had just happened.
You know those two upstairs who got hit by the drunk driver?
The daughter's gonna make it, but the mom died.
Anyway, back to the present.
Last night, I got arrested for drunk driving.
But I swear to you all, it is not a big deal.
No, he didn't.
And suddenly I knew what it felt like to be universally despised.
Fire!
As some of you know, I'm not a huge fan of fire, okay?
So, why don't we talk this out? I'll go first.
Carl, obviously, I owe you an apology. I ate your daughter's face.
Uncool, Carl. Not down with the fire.
Okay, in here we have Mrs Frank, who is in renal failure,
and over here we have Dr Turtlehead, who is suffering from
a severe case of the "sulkies. "
Symptoms include bad posture, mopey face
and a sudden uncontrollable flailing of the upper extremities.
Is it possible I've misdiagnosed this malady?
- No! - There it is. That a boy.
Beat it, all of you!
I can't lie to a patient 'cause Dr Kelso wants me to.
See that guy in there? He has pancreatic cancer.
Now, you and I both know he's a goner, but if he were to come out here
and ask if he has hope, what am I supposed to say, "No"?
- So are you saying I should lie? - Of course not.
See that guy over there? Now, the only way he is ever gonna
walk again is if he goes through years of painful physical therapy,
but if he was to come over here and ask me, "Is it gonna be hard?"
I'd tell him, "Damn skippy, it's gonna be hard. " Gandhi,
you gotta tell your patients the truth.
Now, is that brain of yours starting to hurt?
It should, because it's not as large as a normal-size brain.
Listen carefully. Kelso lies selfishly and indiscriminately.
You, you gotta draw your own line.
This is half an ibuprofen. It is the perfect dose for your pea-sized brain.
Take it after I leave. You'll save yourself the embarrassment.
Dr Dorian? I promised the Janitor I'd show you this e-mail.
Can you guys look away? I need to enter my password.
Alligator3. Okay, you can look now.
Ahoy! I just wanted to update you on my trip.
Yesterday, we took over the ship. Captured a bunch of people
and tied them up, pirate-style. Now, we can do whatever we want,
including this. Watch. Anything goes, man.
I gotta go, it's my turn to steer. Step on the gas!
Hey, thinking about you, hope everything's going as well for you.
It's not. I can't even convince the voice in my head
that things are gonna turn around.
- What do you want me to say, man? - Hey, come on, buddy,
we'll cheer you up. Come on.
There you are. You gotta help pull J.D. out of this spiral.
Any other day, I'd say "No," but today, I'm gonna go ahead
- and just say, "No. " - He took care of you when you were
wallowing on your couch drinking Scotch like it was vodka.
I accidentally killed three people. He got arrested for pushing a scooter,
- and he passes out when he poos. - Okay, you're going to help him.
But just answer me this one question. After six long years,
aren't you getting tired of taking care of him?
Of course we are, but we're his friends.
I heard every word.
See, unfortunately, I had forgotten that Ted and Todd
were under janitorial orders to tape me to the ceiling.
But forgetting things isn't always bad.
So, Dr Turk, you psyched to do my surgery today?
What?
In fact, it can give you a second chance.
Duct tape five!
That guy is such a meathead. I always thought you surgeons were
a bunch of brainiacs. I'm sure you got straight A's since pre-school, right?
A second chance to define who you truly are.
Are you kidding? My girlfriend wasn't the only one
with 34 C's in high school. You know what I'm sayin'?
Still don't know what I'm sayin'? I was an average student.
Really?
But when I realised I wanted to be a surgeon, I got my act together.
Brian, if I didn't think I was the right person to perform this operation,
I wouldn't do it. Okay?
Okay.
During those two hours I was stuck to the ceiling,
I witnessed some pretty weird things.
I'll see you tonight, Dad.
But mostly, I witnessed the greatest hits of my own self-pity.
I can't get Dr Cox to notice me.
I'm dating my best friend, but I don't think I love her.
I'm lonely.
I'm a loser.
You've gotta help me out.
- Help me out. - Help me.
And I understood how my friends felt,
because I couldn't stand it for two hours, let alone six years.
I wash it every day, I condition, but I just can't get it where I want it.
For the love of God, mousse and twist!
Don't you have something you want to say?
Listen, I would really like it if you'd go out and grab a beer with me.
What do you say?
And even though I'd finally gotten a totally sincere,
spontaneous invite from Dr Cox, I knew my answer.
- No, thanks. I have plans. - Thank you, God! Yes, that still counts.
I didn't have plans, but I did have a whole new perspective.
You can stick to your convictions and hopefully get rewarded.
Okay, everybody.
I want everyone to stay focused. Good work today, nothing but your best.
Are we clear?
Even if other people end up a little peeved.
This will only make you stronger.
And, yeah, my life was still in the crapper, but it felt good to finally
be dealing with it on my own.
Okay, he bought the fake cruise.
If he calls the cops now, nobody's coming.
Time for phase three of Operation: Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Now, Jason, we've worked on this all week, right?
Here's what you're thinking. I'm lost in the city, I'm hungry,
and this is the guy that killed my mom with a snowmobile.
Make me believe it.
And go!
Seriously, bad wolfie, bad wolfie!
Not in the face, not in the face! Jason, stop! Janitor. Wrong guy!
Bad, Jason, no!
Yup, things were finally looking up.
Oh, man! No, Jason. No! Whoa!