1
00:00:03,294 --> 00:00:05,603
I don't get it, sir.
Why do our doctors have to
2
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:08,433
put up pictures of themselves
in their patients' rooms?
3
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:11,587
Because, Ted, not only does it make
our doctors more accountable,
4
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,279
but a recent AMA study showed
that it helps our patients
5
00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:16,266
feel a much closer bond
with their physicians.
6
00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:20,353
Plus, who wouldn't want
this young buck at their bedside?
7
00:00:20,645 --> 00:00:23,762
That picture's so old
the beaches are still segregated.
8
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:27,334
Look, there's us way in the back.
9
00:00:27,610 --> 00:00:28,804
Doesn't that bother you?
10
00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:30,659
Good God, I'm stunning.
11
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,059
Besides, have you seen
everyone else's picture?
12
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:36,524
Turk!
13
00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:38,580
Baby, ain't nobody looking at you.
14
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:42,985
Where was that taken?
15
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:45,124
Sears. Do you want a copy?
16
00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:49,451
Dr Cox and I were
both taking care of Private Dancer.
17
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:53,391
See, I went with a younger picture
'cause I like the father-son motif.
18
00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,475
That is taken seconds after I won
19
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:59,593
the watermelon seed spitting contest
at my theatre camp.
20
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:02,327
Probably my happiest day
as a teenager.
21
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:06,521
That is both very sad
and not the least bit shocking.
22
00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:08,135
So, Brian, since you're
finally getting discharged,
23
00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:09,512
we all wanted to come say goodbye.
24
00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:11,013
What's next for you, man?
25
00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:12,549
I'm going back in the Army.
26
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:15,572
I know it's gonna take
a lot of physical therapy,
27
00:01:15,825 --> 00:01:17,975
but that's where I belong, you know?
28
00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:19,238
All the best there, soldier boy.
29
00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:21,767
Brian cared about one goodbye
more than others.
30
00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:25,274
Hey, would you sign this?
31
00:01:25,543 --> 00:01:28,137
I promise you,
I'll put that up in the barracks.
32
00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:30,098
So, you want me to start with
how I still can't walk normally
33
00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:31,572
and then segue into an anecdote
34
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,635
about how you
played my tush like a bongo
35
00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:35,720
until I cried out in pleasurelpain?
36
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,885
- Sorry?
- Your army buddies are gonna see it
37
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,134
I assume you want it filthy.
38
00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:42,306
No, filthy's cool.
39
00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:48,533
Private Dancer, more like
"Private Man-sure. "
40
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:53,690
As in, "Man, he sure has
a positive outlook on life. " Right?
41
00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:55,019
Carla, you rascal,
42
00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:58,270
I can't help but notice
you love making jokes.
43
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,491
What the devil was that
44
00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:02,979
you were saying earlier
about your coffee?
45
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,720
I said it's so good it's like crack.
46
00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:10,187
I'm telling you guys, it really is.
47
00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:13,610
You would hear crickets chirping,
48
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:18,078
but they were too uncomfortable about
just how unfunny that actually was.
49
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,946
So, what, I'm not funny?
50
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,539
Well, I think you are very funny
51
00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:24,603
when you're being sarcastic
or you're up on your high horse.
52
00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:27,686
You know, as long as you stay
right in your wheelhouse.
53
00:02:27,939 --> 00:02:30,009
And it's no different for any of us.
54
00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:33,270
Barbie is funniest when
she's an anal-retentive train wreck,
55
00:02:33,528 --> 00:02:35,644
your husband sells it
with a cocky attitude.
56
00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:39,254
Well, you know, I do what I do
when I do what I do.
57
00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:42,731
The Janitor is amusing
because, quite frankly, he's insane...
58
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,475
I made shoes for my rabbit.
59
00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:49,215
And Alice here,
well, she can turn a phrase.
60
00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:52,854
I assume that
because I just called you Alice,
61
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:57,727
that you are now fantasizing about me
being the maid in The Brady Bunch.
62
00:02:58,053 --> 00:02:59,327
Am I right?
63
00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:01,332
He was.
64
00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:03,550
Now, sadly,
some people just aren't funny,
65
00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:05,723
but they've got funny names.
66
00:03:05,935 --> 00:03:10,326
For example, Dr Beardface,
Dr Mickhead, Colonel Doctor,
67
00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:12,161
and Snoop Dogg Intern.
68
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,350
- Hey, hey!
- My bad, Snoop Dogg Resident.
69
00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:17,641
The Todd is a sexual deviant,
Laverne believes in God,
70
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:21,785
which is hilarious to me
and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
71
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:23,396
- I am?
- Yes.
72
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:27,727
And me?
Well, I'm funny because I commit.
73
00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:34,313
C- O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-
74
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:35,783
T.
75
00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,809
I also do funny rants.
76
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,724
To tell you the truth,
there's really only one guy
77
00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:43,807
in this entire dump who is funny,
no matter what he says.
78
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,810
Holy Hell, are my new boxers
made of wool?
79
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,574
'Cause my weasel's getting heatstroke.
80
00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:53,236
The point is, please,
81
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,756
don't tell any more jokes.
82
00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:00,694
I'm not a sad sack, am I?
83
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,659
Ted, your pen exploded.
84
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:08,805
Bitches, leave!
85
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,071
It's go time.
86
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,445
No, no, no, no, no.
We're playing "guess the movie quote. "
87
00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:14,387
That was from RoboCop.
88
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,737
It's my turn,
89
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:18,614
"I could have gotten more out. "
90
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,028
Schindler's List.
91
00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:23,972
I took my college girlfriend,
Stacy Blue, to see that on our first date.
92
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:25,663
I cried, she didn't.
93
00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,248
Always thought that was weird.
94
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:28,503
I remember Stacy.
95
00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:29,674
Of course you do, Turk.
96
00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:31,491
You banged her
while I was in Theology.
97
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,724
For the 100th time, nothing happened!
98
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,408
We had a water-balloon fight,
got wet and took our clothes off.
99
00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:37,879
You walked in and thought the worst.
100
00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:39,263
There were no water balloons.
101
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:42,085
I looked, no balloons.
You know what? I'm tired of this story.
102
00:04:42,323 --> 00:04:43,836
I have Stacy's number on my phone.
103
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:46,070
I'm gonna call her,
we'll clear it up once and for all.
104
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,560
Call her.
105
00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:49,145
Hi, Mrs Blue?
106
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:51,241
Hi, it's Dr John Dorian.
107
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:55,212
I dated your beautiful daughter
Stacy when we were in college...
108
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,730
She's dead?
109
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:02,203
She fell asleep in the pool?
110
00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:03,655
Oh, my God.
111
00:05:04,512 --> 00:05:05,740
Incidentally, did she ever mention
112
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:08,444
banging a black guy
when she was in college?
113
00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:11,151
Had a high-top fade like Kid 'n Play?
114
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,951
Kid 'n Play!
You know, they were a rap group.
115
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,260
Your dead daughter loved them.
116
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,592
Hello?
117
00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:21,052
Real smooth.
118
00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:22,192
You know what, Turk?
119
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:24,753
I wouldn't mess with me
on watermelon day.
120
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:29,227
I just changed my shirt.
121
00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,604
My chicken!
122
00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:47,915
J.D., come on, let's go.
123
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:49,959
Where'd you get that fish?
124
00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:51,620
Mr Roth owns a pet store.
125
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:54,085
He's so psyched to be in remission,
he got all the doctors
126
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,382
who helped him out
pets as a thank you.
127
00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:57,880
Who else worked on that case?
128
00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,784
Snoop Dogg Resident.
129
00:05:59,984 --> 00:06:02,737
My 'hos are gonna love this.
130
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,316
Hey, why are you checking
Private Dancer's blood sugar?
131
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:10,889
He's being discharged.
132
00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:12,307
Not yet he isn't.
133
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,089
They had just found him unconscious.
134
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:15,928
Could you hold this?
135
00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:20,380
- Oh, damn.
- What?
136
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,507
I don't know if it's old age
that's slowing me down
137
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,628
or maybe all that blood I lost last night
fighting that hobo, but I just blew that.
138
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:26,874
I should have said,
139
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,611
"You think my job is so unimportant
140
00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:30,875
"that I can stand around all day
holding a fish?"
141
00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:33,932
I can't have you all mopey tonight
when we're out clubbing.
142
00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:36,016
It'll throw me off my game.
143
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,743
Fine. I'll wait here,
I'll do this thing right.
144
00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:40,131
Okay.
145
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,970
Well, he gave us quite a scare,
but he's stable and breathing now.
146
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:52,314
- What happened?
- I'm hoping one of you will figure it out.
147
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:55,093
He is low on MS Contin.
148
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:57,892
He's on so many meds, he might have
mixed his prescriptions up.
149
00:06:58,126 --> 00:07:00,845
He'll regain consciousness soon.
I'm gonna wait it out.
150
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:04,124
- I will, too.
- Keith's out of town, I can stay.
151
00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:06,134
And so can we.
152
00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:07,662
No, we can't!
153
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:09,883
Baby, remember,
we're supposed to renew
154
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:12,326
our relations tonight
for the first time since Izzy was born.
155
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:14,229
Well, I guess the only thing
you're gonna renew tonight
156
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,902
is your driver's licence. Hello!
157
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:20,580
- Wow.
- I'm funny, damn it.
158
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:22,965
Maybe you not being
able to have sex tonight
159
00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:26,230
is karmic payback
for having sex with Stacy.
160
00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:29,639
- J.D., drop it.
- What happened that night?
161
00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:31,546
This is how I remember it.
162
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:35,083
I was coming back from class
and outside our room I heard,
163
00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:39,005
"Oh, my God, it's true
what they say about black guys. "
164
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:42,090
So, I opened the door
and I see you and Stacy.
165
00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:45,969
So I said, "Get off my girl
before I kick your ass so deep
166
00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:48,532
"you're gonna be crapping
out Keds for a week. "
167
00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:51,046
Then you said, "Chill out, dawg.
168
00:07:51,262 --> 00:07:56,700
"You know you're my boyeeeee.
This ain't be what it looks like, a'ight?"
169
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:59,449
But it wasn't "a'ight," was it Turk?
170
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,799
This is what really happened.
171
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:04,882
Stacy and I were waiting for you
to come back from class,
172
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:09,149
and she said, "Hey, we should have
a water-balloon fight!"
173
00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:14,316
We got all wet from the water balloons
and Stacy was like, "I'm cold.
174
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:18,370
"Let's take off all our clothes and
get under the covers and warm up. "
175
00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:22,639
Then you came back from your class
and you heard Stacy say,
176
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:26,434
"Oh, my God, it's true
what they say about black guys. "
177
00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:30,674
Then you came in
and said, "Hey, guys. "
178
00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:34,928
"Calm down, J.D.
This isn't what it looks like. "
179
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:37,612
Then I said, "All right?"
180
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,838
Nothing happened, so drop it.
181
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:44,532
No balloons, and we didn't
even have a basketball!
182
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,489
What the hell?
183
00:08:47,736 --> 00:08:49,966
Who changed my picture?
184
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:53,074
It better not be like this
in all the other rooms, I tell you...
185
00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:56,312
Hey, jerk.
You think I've got nothing better to...
186
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,175
Sorry, wrong jerk.
187
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:01,928
Dorian, taking forever in there,
I should just...
188
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,635
I'm gonna smash it.
189
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,675
He knows I'm gonna smash it.
190
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,677
He wants me to smash it.
191
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,350
He wants to prove
that I can't not smash it.
192
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,345
It's a head game.
193
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:16,067
You're never gonna win
a head game with me, Dorian, never!
194
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:17,261
Never!
195
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:22,673
No, Turk. I know that face.
Don't you dare make a foofie.
196
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:26,850
Baby, I had a big old lunch,
now I got the downtown pushdowns.
197
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:28,105
No.
198
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:30,346
- Can I just have a little one?
- No.
199
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:37,460
Oh, my God,
you think farts are funny, too?
200
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:40,258
- We can't let them know.
- No, no, not that... That.
201
00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:42,135
I changed his picture.
202
00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:44,527
He says I can't make jokes,
but that's funny, right?
203
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:48,187
Not really. I mean, those pictures
are there to reassure the patients.
204
00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:49,976
I can't believe this.
205
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,368
My picture has been changed
in every single room.
206
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:55,265
I mean, what the hell? If I wanted
my patients to be more depressed,
207
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:57,901
I'd just have them read
Newbie's latest blog entry.
208
00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:01,336
"Why being really lonely
is sometimes super awesome. "
209
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,433
Why would anyone do this to me?
210
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,716
It's a mystery is what it is.
211
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,659
I'm never surprised
by what people will do,
212
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:11,619
or for that matter,
213
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:13,094
who they will do.
214
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:14,917
I'm outta here!
215
00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,330
Bathroom break.
216
00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:20,639
Turk, don't go.
217
00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:24,996
You're right there
listening to my every move, aren't you?
218
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,320
A small child vomited downstairs.
219
00:10:27,544 --> 00:10:30,502
It smells like pickles and milk,
sort of like one of Enid's burps.
220
00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:33,952
Consider it a chance for you
to prove yourself.
221
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:38,520
Yes, sir! In fact, wait up,
222
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,754
let's walk together,
I'll tell you about my favourite stain.
223
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,692
Let's turn this corner...
224
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:46,433
Oh, you're good.
225
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:51,780
Guys, I think I figured out
what happened to Brian.
226
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:53,016
This letter from the Army says
227
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,833
his injuries are too severe
to let him back into the service.
228
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:58,267
The Army is his life.
229
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,686
He didn't take
too many pills by accident.
230
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:02,309
He was trying to commit suicide.
231
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,690
We can't discharge him. We've got to
get him with one of the shrinks.
232
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:06,984
The only way we can
make him stay here
233
00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:08,846
is if he admits that he did it.
234
00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:10,796
Yeah, well, I didn't do it.
235
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:14,807
Oh, it's like you said earlier,
236
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:18,762
I must have mixed up my prescriptions
and taken too many of one.
237
00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:20,169
How long have you been awake?
238
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:24,898
Long enough to know that you
need to fart and Carla's not funny.
239
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:27,865
And J.D.'s imitation of a black guy
is really racist.
240
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:29,503
He be trippin'.
241
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:31,717
Brian, this is just a setback.
242
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,731
You can't let it take you
to such a bad place.
243
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:36,138
I'm not in a bad place,
244
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,558
but if I were, it would be
understandable, right,
245
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:41,501
'cause what the hell
do I have to live for?
246
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:45,292
I mean, the only thing waiting for me
in my crappy apartment is
247
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:49,414
this little disability check to remind me
that the only place that I ever felt
248
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,984
like I really belonged
doesn't want me any more.
249
00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:53,406
But not to worry,
250
00:11:53,588 --> 00:11:54,987
I'm sure there's a huge demand
out there
251
00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,687
for a high school grad
who can't sign his name
252
00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:01,521
and gets confused by stuff that
wouldn't faze a five-year-old.
253
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:03,947
There is no happy future for me,
254
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,813
so please do not tell me
it's all gonna turn around.
255
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,972
Nobody's leaving this room
until you admit to us what you did.
256
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,743
Why should I admit anything to you,
257
00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:15,012
since you guys
aren't that truthful with each other?
258
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,914
Sometimes to get the truth
out of someone
259
00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:18,909
you have to come clean yourself.
260
00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:21,548
Dr Cox, I'm the one
who switched your picture.
261
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:23,262
Carla!
262
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,089
- I slept with Stacy.
- I knew it!
263
00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:28,084
Of course, some admissions
you don't see coming.
264
00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:31,721
I once tried to kill myself.
265
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,699
After Elliot told us
that she had attempted suicide,
266
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:42,360
I had to ask the question that was
on everybody's mind.
267
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,745
Was it because I broke up with you?
268
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,247
No, J.D.
269
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,389
Oh, good, good, good, good.
270
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,751
I'm not even sure why I did it.
271
00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:53,129
I guess things just catch up with you,
you know, you get lonely,
272
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:55,312
you're not happy with
what's happening in your life and...
273
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:56,878
An amazing guy breaks up with you.
274
00:12:57,068 --> 00:13:00,185
J.D., this is not about you! I was 16!
275
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,517
- So, how'd you try it?
- Brian!
276
00:13:02,741 --> 00:13:04,891
- Please, you're dying to know.
- No, I am not. When Elliot...
277
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,995
Carla, it's fine.
278
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:08,921
I was all into poetry
back then, you know,
279
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,716
Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf.
I know, shocker.
280
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:15,852
Well, they both killed themselves.
Plath stuck her head in the oven, but
281
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:19,360
that was not an option for me
because every time my head gets hot,
282
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,588
I need to pee
and I was not about to be found
283
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:25,953
lying in a puddle of my own urine.
Not again, not after the prom fiasco.
284
00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:28,380
If you're still not sure
why you tried to off yourself,
285
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,239
I'm starting to get
a pretty clear picture over here.
286
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:34,117
So, I decided to do it
like Virginia Woolf,
287
00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:36,950
I walked into a lake
and tried to drown myself.
288
00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:39,262
Got up early on a Saturday,
put on my bikini...
289
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,397
Whoa, why would you wear a bikini?
290
00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:44,571
Oh, my one-piece was
in the back of Coach Pongetti's car.
291
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,418
That story informs this one,
292
00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,856
but I'm not going to tell it.
293
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,036
Anyhow, I swam out
to the middle of the lake
294
00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:56,082
and I couldn't bring myself to go under,
so I just started, you know,
295
00:13:56,378 --> 00:13:59,290
floating around,
waiting to get tired and then...
296
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:01,060
Bam, bam, bam, bam!
297
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:04,966
I got hit in the head by four oars
as our school's rowing team passed by
298
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:09,262
and then they just picked me out
of the lake and took me home.
299
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,434
Oh, no, Turk, I know that look.
300
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:14,316
Don't you dare toot
while Elliot is baring her soul.
301
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,598
But, baby, the pressure's building.
302
00:14:16,815 --> 00:14:18,453
No one on Earth is this uncomfortable.
303
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:23,116
Oh, no, I have to pee.
304
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,557
Come on, fight it, man,
think about something else.
305
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,457
Take your mind off it.
306
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:28,330
Here we go.
307
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,605
It passed.
308
00:14:30,829 --> 00:14:34,139
And that's a big bowl of swishy liquid.
Damn it!
309
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,962
Look, Elliot, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,
310
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:40,444
but none of you guys have any idea
311
00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:42,461
what it's like to feel
this hopeless in your life.
312
00:14:42,674 --> 00:14:44,027
You know, other than J.D.
313
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,570
Yeah. That's right.
314
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,591
Wait, wait, wait. What's happening?
315
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:50,238
Brian, I know exactly
how you're feeling.
316
00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:53,112
You should have seen me when I was
dealing with postpartum depression.
317
00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:54,670
I just wanted out.
318
00:14:54,853 --> 00:14:57,128
I'm so glad that I didn't do anything
319
00:14:57,355 --> 00:15:00,233
because I got on anti-depressants
and now I don't feel that way.
320
00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:02,314
That's right, and my baby being happy
321
00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:05,041
is worth
all the vaginal dryness in the world.
322
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,829
And none of us would ever look
at Carla the same way again.
323
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,621
How long can he stay in there?
324
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:15,582
I haven't eaten anything
since I stole that hobo's pecan pie.
325
00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:18,027
Come on, buddy, get it together.
326
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:21,448
How're you doing?
The name's Roger Dorsey.
327
00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:24,147
Well, that's not real.
I'm starting to lose it.
328
00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:26,054
How do you know I'm not real?
329
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:27,977
Well, for one thing,
you're just using my voice,
330
00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:31,329
only slightly higher, like this,
"How you doing, buddy?"
331
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:35,273
Oh, yeah? Well, if I wasn't real,
could I hit this note?
332
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,274
That was lovely.
333
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,884
Look, man, we all have
those bleak moments
334
00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:47,830
where we swear
we'll never bounce back.
335
00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:51,031
Like when I was 17,
my mom walked in my room
336
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,320
with a look that I had never seen.
337
00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:57,526
And she said, "It's over, Turk.
338
00:15:57,791 --> 00:15:59,543
"Michael Jordan's career is over. "
339
00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:02,106
Is anyone a bigger idiot than you?
340
00:16:02,337 --> 00:16:04,293
Is he the black golfer?
341
00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:06,258
My point is we don't know
what the future holds.
342
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,264
Yeah, well I know what my future holds
if I hold this fart in any longer.
343
00:16:09,511 --> 00:16:10,580
I wonder what would happen.
344
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,081
Fine, let me move out of the way.
345
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:14,538
All right, everybody clear back.
346
00:16:27,112 --> 00:16:30,343
If only I had a saddle,
I could have ridden you.
347
00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,811
I've never seen them live.
Are they good?
348
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:37,873
If you're wondering
why I'm wearing these,
349
00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:41,081
it's partly because
at the Kelso family Christmas
350
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:45,407
we all pick one name out of a hat
to buy a gift for and I was lucky enough
351
00:16:45,714 --> 00:16:49,946
to be chosen by my son Harrison's
new life partner, Ray-Ray.
352
00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:52,330
The other reason is that my work shoes
353
00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:56,229
are coated in the toddler vomit
I told you to clean up earlier.
354
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:59,235
Now, are you going to get on it
or am I docking your pay?
355
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,069
You do what you have to do, sir.
356
00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:04,149
Roger Dorsey and I are seeing
this thing to the finish.
357
00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:06,469
Roger Dorsey was
my squad leader in Vietnam.
358
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,365
He died in my arms.
359
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:10,162
Tell Bob I love him.
360
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:16,616
Guys, it's been really great sharing,
really, but I've got to get dressed.
361
00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,026
You win, I see your point.
362
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:21,958
Here is the name
of a really good therapist.
363
00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:24,859
Look, I know.
You think I owe it to myself...
364
00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:28,317
Please, who cares about you?
365
00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:31,150
Never mind the fact that
we've been busting our asses
366
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,579
trying to take care of you
every day for the last three weeks.
367
00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:35,998
I mean, for God's sake,
368
00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:38,099
if I'd known back then
that you were just going to go ahead
369
00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:40,424
and give up,
I'd have saved myself the huge hassle,
370
00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:41,792
smothered you with a pillow
371
00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:45,209
and spent all my extra time
catching up on Newbie's pathetic blog.
372
00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:47,677
Oh, my God, he referenced me
in a tough love speech!
373
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,194
Stop smiling.
374
00:17:49,444 --> 00:17:53,517
So, no, Brian, no.
You don't owe anything to yourself, but
375
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,053
you damn sure owe each one of us.
376
00:17:57,786 --> 00:17:58,901
Fine.
377
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,025
I'll call him.
378
00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:08,945
Hand cramp!
379
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:16,835
You think that's funny, making me
kill a helpless little animal?
380
00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:19,770
If you didn't want to hold it for me
you could've put it on the counter.
381
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,734
Me?
382
00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:25,723
No, you, you were... I tried... I had to...
383
00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:28,092
Ray-Ray, I started a...
384
00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:30,955
So cold...
385
00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:32,593
Roger?
386
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,178
Rog, stay with me, buddy.
387
00:18:34,364 --> 00:18:37,117
This isn't Nam. Go get me some water.
388
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:41,754
Knowing Brian had turned a corner
389
00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:44,753
allowed us to get back
to our own pressing issues.
390
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,797
I can't believe
you're pissed about Stacy.
391
00:18:47,002 --> 00:18:49,072
If I could go back in time
and un-sleep with her, I would.
392
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:53,083
Well, unfortunately, she's dead, Turk.
Congratulations, you win again.
393
00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:56,587
I don't care what you say.
394
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:58,513
I'm as funny as anybody else
in this place.
395
00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,837
That was actually pretty good.
396
00:19:09,691 --> 00:19:11,283
Hey, Brian, wait up.
397
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,475
You accidentally left
that shrink's phone number
398
00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:15,686
in your room's trash can.
399
00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:16,894
Oh, oops!
400
00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,826
Okay, you gotta stop finding
all my notes.
401
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:22,795
You know what really helped me
when I went through this?
402
00:19:23,038 --> 00:19:25,916
Elliot, you didn't go through this.
403
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,521
You went for
a leisurely afternoon drown
404
00:19:28,752 --> 00:19:30,629
and you got hit in the face
with a paddle.
405
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:34,034
I spent my entire childhood
as an awkward, lonely outcast
406
00:19:34,299 --> 00:19:37,371
with a floozy mom who liked to talk
about how fat I was.
407
00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:39,432
I had zero self-esteem
408
00:19:39,637 --> 00:19:42,310
and I struggled with that for years,
I still do.
409
00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:44,707
But the only difference
between the two of us
410
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:49,086
is I was smart enough to know that
it's never too late to come back from.
411
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:51,892
I can't be what I used to be.
412
00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:55,206
I don't even know that guy,
413
00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:59,021
I know this guy and I like him.
414
00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:01,318
All right, let me ask you something.
415
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,216
If I keep working on my rehab, right?
416
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,491
I get my act together,
417
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:11,416
you think someone like you could go
for someone like me?
418
00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:13,778
Yeah.
419
00:20:27,268 --> 00:20:29,224
If you're ever single,
420
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,428
I'm looking you up.
421
00:20:31,648 --> 00:20:33,001
I hope you do.