That's new.
Oh, yeah. My girlfriend gave me a watch.
You give a crap? Or are you just hoping
that by pointing out something new of mine,
I'll segue the conversation into talking about something new of yours, like...
Your new pre-pubescent Miami Vice beard.
There are those who say I look like a young Kenny Loggins.
- Who? - Me.
J.D.: Time to go teach the new interns.
They started a week ago and they sucked.
This patient's loss of temperature sensation on the contralateral side
is consistent with which syndrome, Rodney?
There was Katie, the self-centered climber...
McConaughey's.
McConaughey is not a syndrome.
He is, however, one of our finest working actors.
I recently learned how I could lose him in ten days.
Katie is sabotaging you, I assume, because she knows the answer.
Brown-Sequard Syndrome.
Yeah, Katie got it.
There was Denise, who could be a bit callous.
You know, it's ironic that cancer starts with "can,"
because, at this stage, there's nothing we can do about it.
Let's take a walk, sunshine. I...
And there was Ed.
Ed, did you finish those case reports last night?
I totally was gonna do it, man,
but I was on this Lost fan site last night, talking to this chick.
About an hour in, I realize it's a dude, messing with me.
- I've been there. - Revenge time.
I signed up for a new account, HotGirl99.
I start flirting with this dude,
I'm like, "Oh, hey, I look just like Kate." And he's totally into it, right?
Next thing you know, I got him to agree
to a personal meet-up here in the hospital,
where he'll be holding a red balloon.
- Wait a minute, you're HotGirl99? - Yeah.
The new interns all suck.
Yeah, but I'm going to handle it.
Like you handled Jimmy, the overly-touchy orderly?
- Somebody looking for me? - No, Jimmy, we're fine.
All right. Let me know if you need anything.
Okay.
Have you noticed he only touches above the waist now?
You're welcome.
You know, our intern class was the last good one.
You must have liked my class a little, seeing as you almost married me.
Yeah, but, hello, Keith. I didn't.
J.D.: That was harsh, but no one cared because today we were meeting
Dr. Kelso's replacement as Chief of Medicine,
Dr. Taylor Maddox.
She was smoking hot, so first I had to see her like this.
I wanna be your lover baby I wanna be your man
I don't want no other baby Want you again and again
And I've waited all night long Now I know what I wanna do
I just wanna make love to you
Hi. Hi.
J.D.: But then I noticed how friendly she seemed.
She had the most infectious smile.
No one could resist it. And I mean no one.
- No. - Yes.
Never.
Here it comes.
Clear.
Brava!
Yes!
You proud fool.
Okay. I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about me.
One, I have an open door policy.
Two, if you do your job well, you're great with me, okay?
And three, I don't like spiders.
So if you see one, I want you to stomp it.
I want you to stomp it dead, okay?
I don't want you to put it into a little cup and take it outside,
because it'll just find its way back in, okay? They're sneaky.
Oh! Can someone help that man to his room?
Oh, no, I'm not sick.
I'm just cold and there were no chairs.
I'm... I'm a lawyer.
Of course you are, sweetie.
I'm on it.
She's the new boss, Ted.
You okay? Does it hurt here? Or here?
How about here? Or under here?
Do I know you?
Jimmy, heel!
- Slowly move. - No. Jimmy.
Slowly move. Don't rush anything.
- Jimmy. - Gonna be okay.
Breathe deep for me. Real slow. I just wanna feel you breathe.
Yeah. That's a boy, that's a boy. That's a boy.
Here, breathe on my face.
I can't do this all on my own
No, I know
I'm no Superman
J.D.: Okay. Time to connect with the new Chief
using a picture of my son and some brilliant acting.
- Is that your boy? - What's that? Oh, yeah.
His name is Sam.
I have a daughter of my own.
J.D.: It's working.
Now, seal the deal with a follow-up question,
but nothing too personal.
Did you deliver vaginally?
I did.
Big girl. Must have hurt.
Wow!
Hi, Mr. Hicks,
so you were admitted to the hospital with shortness of breath?
- Yes, that's right. - Okay, so I'm just gonna...
Die! Die! Die! Sorry, spider.
I'm just gonna take you up and get you a full-body scan, okay?
Yeah.
And there she goes.
A Chief of Medicine working one-on-one with a patient?
Maybe she's not so bad.
I think she's probably a jerk.
- Why? - That position attracts jerks.
Plus, I know jerks. Hell, I married a jerk. I divorced a jerk...
- New freckle. - I'm interrupted by jerks.
Look, just give me two minutes with this Maddox
and I'll know for sure whether or not she's a jerk.
Well, go.
Pass.
I know people are down on these new interns,
but everyone's teachable, you know?
- Even Jo. - Who?
I like to call Denise "Jo" because she reminds me
of that street-wise, mannish girl on Facts of Life.
You know, Katie's cutesy and blonde. You could call her Blair.
Blair is stupid.
Blair is perfect.
But now I can never use it in front of Turk,
or he'll say, "You're welcome" in that really smug way of his.
Okay, let's gather round for rounds, get it?
"Round for rounds." You can use it.
Our first patient is presenting with
Biliary colic and...
Ed, would you mind...
Would you mind turning off the beeping if you're gonna text?
- I'll turn it off. - Thank you.
Upper right abdominal pain. What's your diagnosis, Jo?
- I know! - Course you do, Katie,
because you know anything that anyone's ever asked you, ever.
But I didn't ask you. I asked Jo.
Well, the patient definitely looks like hell, so...
Quick side note. When a patient's eyes are open,
that usually means that they're awake.
Sorry, Mrs. Gallagher. You look very beautiful today.
- Doesn't she? - Yeah, your jaundice makes you glow.
Yes. Yellow like the sun.
- Ed, stop texting! - I'm not texting.
I'm looking at photos of Sienna Miller's breasts.
There's a difference.
Okay, well, do that more later, when we're together.
Jo, you were saying?
I'm guessing Mrs. Gallagher probably has...
Cholecystitis! She has cholecystitis.
- I'm gonna cut your throat. - Okay, that's enough, Jo. You too, Blair.
- Welcome! - Damn it!
If you want, you can call me Tootie. I don't think it's racist.
Oh, fine. I'm Tootie and I know how to go on the web and bit torrent.
You probably shouldn't be texting while you're leading rounds.
- I'm... This is his phone. - It's not my phone.
W. T.H.?
Oh, fine, it's not your phone? Hey, want a phone, buddy?
No.
All right, listen, I want you to run some renal function tests on Mr. Hicks.
Can you do that, or do you have more questions about my vagina?
J.D.: Lie!
No.
Dr. Maddox, I just wanted to say
how excited I am to be working with you.
Katie is such a kiss-ass.
You mean mini-Elliot?
What? That's what everybody's calling her.
It's probably just because we are both blonde
and have perky boobs.
Or, it's because she is incredibly whiny and self-involved,
and you, Barboo, for the last year and a half or so
have been the most self-involved and whiny person in the galaxy.
What nobody understands about me...
Point proven. Thank you.
- J.D.: Okay. - Suck-up's back.
You're abrasive.
That's enough, Blair.
- Welcome! - Damn it.
Okay. Listen up, guys.
I gotta go take care of Mr. Hicks, so I need you guys to watch the floor.
Check every patient and switch out any lines that need changing.
Monitor Mr. Lombardi's blood gas
and intubate him if he starts getting acidotic.
Work as a team. You'll be all over it.
Let's have some hands in, okay?
Somebody has some very soft hands.
- I sleep in gloves. - Right on.
Okay, nobody die!
Nobody die!
Dr. Kelso, now that you're retired, I can finally say this.
You, sir...
- I can't do it. - You'll get there, Ted.
What's with the balloon?
It's been a sad day.
Can you even believe Dr. Cox? Calling me whiny and self-involved.
Elliot, you know how we're so close we can say anything to each other, right?
- Yeah. - Look,
over the last year or so, you've been going through a lot.
You got engaged,
you broke off your wedding at the last second.
It'd be easy for anyone to become a little self-absorbed.
What are you saying, Carla?
This is why I come here every day.
You come here every day? Loser.
My balloon!
Mr. Hicks' renal tests came back negative.
Thank God.
See, Bernie isn't just a patient, he's also my lover.
Really?
No! He's fat, bald and ugly! Thanks a lot!
Okay, just swallow your pain and fix this.
Look, Dr. Maddox, I think you're a very well-built,
sturdy woman...
- Like a shed. - No. Not like a shed.
Like a naughty...
- Like it. - Structure.
- Structure? - I should go.
Stop confusing me by being nice and giving me phones.
Fine. But why did you have to trip me?
Let me answer that question with another question.
'Cause I wanted to.
- Excuse me. - Yeah?
Do you think it would have been funny if he had broken his neck?
I feel like you want me to say no.
What's your name?
Oh, boy. You really are new here.
Uh-oh!
- "The Janitor." - Howdy.
Say, Beth? Your patient, Mr. Lombardi, is about to crash.
How'd that happen?
Well, sometimes when people get owies
and they're left untreated, they become even bigger owies.
Hey! You guys were supposed to tube him if he got acidotic.
- What the hell? - He's not my patient, man.
I was over there.
Now he's coding.
Crash cart!
J.D.: Sometimes just two words are enough
to make your thoughts perfectly clear.
So you actually agree with what Dr. Cox said about me?
J.D.: Whether you're being brutally honest...
I do.
...or holding someone accountable...
You're fired.
What about my son?
That's my daughter.
I'm... I'm sorry. May I see it again? Please.
...or apologizing for a major screw-up.
- We're sorry. - Yeah, we'll get it together from now on.
Promise.
But for some reason, I didn't wanna hear it.
You know what? I'm done with you guys.
Hey, C-Bear. Every time I see Maddox,
I get one step closer to ending my career.
You'll be fine. Maddox seems cool.
I don't know about that,
I just can't shake the feeling that that woman is a complete tool.
You've been saying that all day.
Why don't you just go talk to her and figure it out once and for all?
Nah.
Hey, aren't you supposed to be at rounds?
They're driving me crazy.
Someone needs to send those interns to an internment camp.
Dude, internment camps are never funny.
J.D.: I always forget that Turk is one-eighth Japanese.
Hey, can you give Mr. Hicks a full cardiac workup?
- Of course. - And what would you say
if I said he was my lover?
I'd know that obviously you were joking because you are way out of his league.
Oh, there, there. That is... We're doing this. Okay.
I like you the best.
Thanks, Mom... Ma'am. Ma'am.
She's not your mom.
Well, she certainly doesn't think that I'm all about me.
I was just being honest.
I'd want you to do the same for me if I was doing things I might regret later.
Name one thing that I've done lately that I'm gonna regret.
Hey, Blondie! Show me your rack.
No!
Like that's gonna come back to haunt me.
What else you got?
Well, what about the way you're always mocking Keith about not marrying him?
You probably don't even realize how devastated he still is.
Oh, hey, ladies. Awesome day, huh? Awesome!
I hope he'll pull through.
And now, on to our next patient. Let's go, bitches.
Why is Doctor Squeaky-Pants leading rounds?
Where the hell is Dorian?
Keith is not still devastated.
I mean, what the hell is Carla talking about?
She's completely off-base, right?
I have to disagree with you.
You don't see my point at all?
You don't understand. I'm married to Carla, right,
and she has spies everywhere. So I have to disagree with you.
I'm on to you, Rochelle.
Dr. Reid, may I talk to you?
- Ted, are you going to talk? - In a second.
I'm just waiting for the anti-anxiety medication to kick in.
And there it is.
Hey, baby.
Yeah, Ted, I'm actually in charge of keeping a lot of people alive, so...
Carla's right, Keith's a mess.
He hasn't been able to pull out of it since you ended things.
He's sad all the time.
Yeah, I don't see it.
Of course you don't.
No one ever wants the person who hurt them
to ever see how badly they've been hurt.
- Morning. - Morning.
J.D.: It's amazing how the exact same question
can have totally different connotations.
May I talk to you?
I have to ask. When I fired you before, did you think I was kidding?
No, I knew you were serious
because I heard that you fired Jimmy the orderly.
What did he do?
Okay, this is where you keep all of the tension.
Do you mind if I do a yogi chant? It relaxes the muscles.
- Do you feel that? - Mmm-hmm.
But that's just Jimmy being Jimmy!
You know, the incident yesterday with Dr. Dorian,
I swear to you that will never happen again,
even though he deserved it.
- I don't know... - Come on, I've been here forever.
You can't just throw me out of the hospital.
No, but I can walk you out without you even noticing.
- Well played. - I need your keys.
Where are the rest?
I got tired of carrying them all, so I made one that works on everything.
Watch.
How about that? Come on, hit the highway.
Thank you.
No.
Keith.
I just realized that I never really took the time
to apologize for the way things ended between us.
I mean, I did say that I was so sorry right when it happened, remember?
We were outside, I gave you the ring back,
- you started crying and... - No, no. No need to recap, Elliot.
Right.
Look, I know this was my decision,
so it was easier for me to move on and, well, you know, make jokes and stuff.
I guess I've been so self-involved
I never stopped to think that you still may be hurting.
Anyway, I just wanted to really apologize, for everything.
Thanks. That means a lot.
- Hug? - No.
Right.
Why would you pass off your interns?
I just... I can't deal with them anymore.
Really? Because I had an intern just a couple of years back that I hated.
Honestly, he was so maddening
that my therapist put me on a suicide-slash-homicide watch.
Do I know this intern?
- Intimately. - I figured.
This is a teaching hospital.
- You have to teach. - I know.
I'm just... I'm so tired of their attitude and I'm tired of their ignorance.
It's the same thing, year after year. I'm just tired.
Here comes the tongue-lashing.
Well, I get that.
Why do you think I've been avoiding the new Chief?
Because if I do talk to her and she is indeed a jerk, then,
once again, I'm gonna have to be that guy
who gets in her face over every little injustice.
But you wanna know something? I'm tired, too.
So what do we do?
I don't know.
J.D.: Oh, my God. He's treating you like an equal.
Quick, do something equals do!
Why would you do that?
I don't know, I thought equals shared coffee.
No.
So, this intern that you mentioned earlier,
I'm sure eventually he turned into a pretty amazing doctor, didn't he?
Actually, it was a she.
- It wasn't me? - Oh no, it was you. It was you.
We'll get there.
Okay. You get nice and comfy.
Dr. Reid gave me Mr. Hicks' test results,
but they're locked in my briefcase and I lost the key.
Allow me.
- Loving this thing. - And here it is.
Hey. How come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Well, one's in case I get sad,
and the other one's in case I get really sad.
Well, see you tomorrow.
We'll see.
Mr. Hicks' cardiac test results.
They're negative. What do you know about that?
Just like the 100 other tests we ordered
for a man whose only complaint was shortness of breath.
I assume there's a nugget of a point buried in there.
Why are you running that guy through the ringer?
Because he's got awesome insurance.
He's 100% pure profit machine.
Ka, and might I add, ching!
I mean, I may even order an MRI
just to see if he's actually stuffed with money.
In fact, I think I'm ordering one. And since you cried about it,
why don't you take him to radiology like a good little boy?
J.D.: Sometimes it really sucks to do the right thing.
You were right about me. And thanks.
Don't mention it.
- Love you. - Love you, too.
J.D.: Trying to teach a bunch of jerks...
Okay, when dealing with peripheral neuropathy,
Always think diabetes first.
...or once again, facing off with a jerk.
Look, you can't just bleed a guy's insurance dry
just because you want to pay for a new X-ray machine.
Will you shut up if I give you a key that opens everything?
The more things change the more they stay the same, huh?
Hi, folks! If you need anything cleaned up, just give me a shout, okay?
Sure.
- Who the hell's that? - I don't know.
I like him.
Interns. All right. You guys psyched? It's our eighth year. Who's with me?
Come on. I know it's tempting to just mail it in,
but there's still a lot of people who rely on us week to week.
I think we owe it to them to be as inspired as we were
in our first few years.
Now, I know we never do great come medical awards season,
except for Dr. Shalhoub, he wins everything.
But I still think we're as good as anybody else out there.
The Nielsens certainly beg to differ.
They're just upset because their insurance won't cover a private room.