Okay, Mr. Rego,
I know you've been complaining about the bedpans being too cold,
so I used an incubator in pediatrics to warm this bad boy up for you. Enjoy.
You know, I used to use an incubator to keep my lunch warm.
Till some whiny new mom complained
that her preemie smelled like a ham sandwich.
Weird thing was, I had a tuna melt in there, not ham.
Most newborns smell amazing. An unlucky few are ham babies.
Oh! God, here comes the happiest person on the planet.
Hi! Hey! You look so beautiful today.
Hi! Hi, Katie!
All the interns are going out for drinks. Do you wanna come?
Yeah, I'll get my stuff.
How about you, dude-chick?
No, I'm gonna stay here and catch up on my scut work.
You can try as hard as you want not to be my friend,
but eventually I'm gonna get you. Come on, Howie.
If I get drunk enough, I'll undo my scrub bottoms
and let you do a shot off my butt.
All right.
I've noticed that you always stay here late
- and work after your shift is over. - I get a lot of work.
If you don't get out of the hospital every once in a while
and blow off some steam, this place will eventually crush you.
So go, okay? For me.
- Fine. - Great.
Oh, my God, Caitlin, that baby's beautiful.
Ham baby.
What? Hell no.
Got you.
Holy mackerel!
Oh, my God. This can't get any worse.
That is one long-ass booby hair.
J.D.: Like most hospitals, Sacred Heart makes their interns
put on a sketch show roasting the senior staff.
It was never any good, but this year it would be.
Okay, people, before we begin, you need to accept one simple truth.
- We are funny, and you are not. - Sucks to hear, doesn't it?
We will be writing all of your sketches. You're welcome. Let's jump right in.
I need two volunteers to go full frontal. Howie?
No, I have eczema.
Sunny, Denise? Maybe rubbing some oil on one another?
- Yeah, sure, no problem. - No, not at all.
Okay, well, then let's cut the leukemia sketch.
Dude, no, that sketch is gold.
Well, if they're not naked, they're just sad and dying.
What's funny about that?
- We make them British. - Good save.
It's back in, but only because this man is a comic genius.
I have been called the black Wayne Brady.
Okay, try and believe in us, guys.
This thing has not been funny for eight years, when we were interns.
I love Jesus And, Jesus, he loves me
One, two, three, Jesus!
- I sure do love me some Jesus. - I know, Laverne.
You rang?
The Messiah, ladies and gentlemen. The Messiah.
Shalom and nanu-nanu, my friends.
- Oh! Hell no. - Front row.
There will be a 20-minute intermission.
I never saw her coming.
She was killed in a car accident. I miss her.
Anyway, let's be funny for her.
I can't do this all on my own
No, I know
I'm no Superman
Hey, will you hand me those blood gas reports, Sonja?
You can call me "Sunny."
My dad nicknamed me that because he said I brighten up a room.
Of course, in college, I had a few dark years.
My car was stolen, I had three...
Was it three? No, four. I had four abortions.
I'm joking!
I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.
- Why are you laughing? - 'Cause I'm scared. I'm not that strong.
So, how was last night, Denise?
I ended up staying here and finishing my casework.
What the hell?
At least with my patients, I'm used to being ignored.
Like with Mr. Cooper after his triple bypass.
I told him to start eating healthier,
he goes right back to scarfing down bacon burgers.
And you wanna know where he is now, Denise?
- He's dead, isn't he? - No, he just moved back to Phoenix.
I was going to say that he was dead,
but I think saying that about people who are still alive is a huge jinx.
Look, when I kicked you out of the hospital last night...
Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead. Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead.
Nope, just my mom. Ignore.
Look, I promise I'll get out of the hospital tonight. Okay?
Deal. Now come on. I want you guys both to see this case.
She's a 16-year-old girl with cyclical neutropenia.
It's a rare disorder that periodically shuts down her entire immune system.
Basically, every three weeks she almost dies.
Hey, Brianna, Mrs. Tarasi.
Just wanted to introduce you to Sunny and Denise.
They're the interns who'll be covering the floor today.
Oh! Cool.
If you guys give me your cell numbers, I can text you if I need anything.
These kids with their texting and their cell phones.
- Our generation never had that stuff. - Yeah.
I just kind of feel like, I don't know,
there's three generations in the room right now.
If you want to instant message me, my screen name is Sunnyhoneybunny.
Of course it is.
- Do you have teenagers? - How old do you think I am?
- What's up? - Where have you been?
- Oh! - How could you be late?
This is our sketch show!
Our sketch show!
That's cool, man. It's just a sketch show.
J.D.: Our sketch show!
Okay, let's assign sketches. Partner up, please.
Yikes.
I'll be with Denise. Problem solved!
Can we go now?
Good morning. Okay, I think we should just get this out in the open.
I saw you pluck your special hair the other day.
I was there. I saw.
Question is, what are we gonna do about it?
I have an idea. Let me speak first. May I? Good.
I believe that you should give me the hair,
because I've been scrapbooking the most disgusting things
that I can think of, and I want to put it on the page
in between my decayed molars and my snug,
which is a snail-slug hybrid
that I was able to splice together in my garage unsuccessfully.
We didn't see each other yesterday.
Well, that was unexpected.
Thank you.
Okay, Brianna, your chest x-ray looks good.
We should be able to get you home tomorrow.
I'm just gonna go talk to your mom
about some changes in your medication.
Aren't moms the greatest?
My mom bought me these scrubs last week, just because.
Oh! And this morning, I found this little note.
It says, "You're super special."
If that's what moms do, I'm glad I never met mine.
"Look at me, I'm dark and edgy."
I love my mom, but I wish she would ease up a little.
I mean, I know I'm sick, but not all the time,
and she still never lets me leave the house.
You know, I've never had a date.
It's like she's so freaked out about me dying
that she won't let me have a life.
- She doesn't want your stupid note. - You don't know that.
- Do I know you? - I'm a friend.
What is Jimmy the overly-touchy orderly doing here?
Dude, he does amazing impressions. He's a ringer.
We can put him in any bit that's not working.
Like the Dr. Wen sketch.
It's almost show time. Let's work out some of the kinks.
You guys doing the Dr. Cox sketch, make sure you
Really stretch out all your words, okay?
And under no circumstances are you to tell him
that I wrote the joke implying he may have a sports car
because he has a small penis.
Unless he finds it hilarious, at which point you will break character
and say, "John Dorian wrote that joke."
I will then stand, give a humble nod, like so,
and then gesture for you to continue.
Meghan, you're playing Carla. That's my wife.
Please show some respect. Kathy, you're playing Elliot.
So I wanna see some bug-eyes, all right? And... Perfect!
Plus, find some cardboard,
stick it down the back of your pants, right?
Make that ass flat, girl. Let me see what you got right now.
- Yeah, we could go flatter. - We can go flatter.
- You know, I've chewed on that thing
- and it's flatter than day-old beer. - I gotta tell you.
You know what? I made a funny. Turk, rewrite.
I am already on it.
Katie, dynamite Beardface costume.
- I can't see anything in this. - Performers find a way, Katie.
Use your other senses. Where are Sunny and Denise?
Well, you know, they're supposed to be...
No, thank you. Cool.
They're supposed to be playing us,
but they haven't picked up their scripts or anything.
Hey, Dr. Reid, can we talk to you about Brianna?
Her mom is being way too over-protective.
Unfortunately, my lady, I saw what I saw.
You either plucked a giant hair, or you have mini chest snakes.
Maybe you're just imagining things.
Like that time you thought you built a giant sand castle in the parking lot.
Or the time you said you hung J.D. Up like a flag,
totally defying the laws of physics.
- I did those things. - Did you?
At least I thought I... Head games aren't gonna work on me.
Unfortunately for you, I have a photographic memory.
For instance, I arrived here yesterday at 7:45 a.m.
At 7:50 a.m., I took a nap.
At 2:45 p.m., I awoke to find you
plucking a comically large hair off of your baby-feeder.
I then took my afternoon nap,
then I went on break, and then I went home.
Couldn't sleep a wink. Damnedest thing.
Sad.
Stop walking away from me.
And now I'm sleepy again.
Brianna should totally get to live her life.
I'm gonna go talk to her mom.
But you guys gotta do me a favor.
She's really starting to get in my head
with this whole we're-the-same-age thing.
So I'm just gonna start throwing out numbers
and you guys stop me whenever I get to the age
you think I look like. Okay?
22, 23, 24, 25, 25, 25...
You know what? This is a really stupid game, okay?
Aren't you guys late for some sketch show?
Crap.
Idiots.
Isn't this fun, running together?
- Shut up, Sunny. - Okay.
- Oh, my God, I'm so nervous. - Welcome to live theater.
Mmm-hmm.
I'm Bob Kelso.
And my life is so empty that I still come here every day
to stuff my face with muffins.
And I like prostitutes.
That's funny 'cause it's true.
Hey, I'm The Todd. Wow.
Looks like we got a full house. I got a full house in my pants.
Hello. I'm Dr. Beardface.
I was up all night sewing.
- My beard is only this big. - Lighten up, Seymour. I took my lumps.
Okay, one last chance to admit the truth before this gets ugly.
- Did I see the nipple hair or not? - You did not.
Beardface!
And so it begins.
Hi, I'm Dr. Wen, and it's an honor to have you as a patient, Owen Wilson.
Oh! Come on, Doc. What about patient-doctor privacy?
How's that supposed to make me feel?
- Mr. Jack Black. - Thanks, buddy.
Sacred Heart!
- Mr. Brad Pitt. - Thank you, Dr. Wen.
I do have to say it's very hard covering the medical bill
when you have 14 children.
You know, people are always asking me,
"Hey, hey, Dane Cook. Hey, Dane Cook."
Yeah, they use my full name.
Hey, what's the deal with tongue depressors?
Is it supposed to make your tongue sad or something?
Like, taste it... This muffin tastes sad. Why do people find me funny?
Dude, we gave them too much Jimmy.
- J.D.: Off the stage, Jimmy! - Okay, Jimmy. Yay!
Hi, everyone. We're gonna do a sketch about Dr. Dorian and Dr. Turk.
I don't even know what we're supposed to do.
- Just follow my lead. - Okay.
- Look at your mole. - It's huge!
Here are those lab reports you wanted, Turk.
Thanks. I did need those, J.D.
J.D.: They're bombing. - Well, it serves them right.
Man, who cares about them? We did it! We did the whole thing!
Goodbye, J.D. Thank you so much for...
How is that funny?
Hey, Dr. Reid, did you get a chance to talk to Brianna's mom?
- Well, I'll tell you... - Hey, Denise,
we're all going out for drinks to celebrate. You wanna come?
No, I'm gonna stay and study.
And you broke your promise yet again. Shocking.
Look, I promise I'll go out tomorrow night, okay?
So, what did Brianna's mom say?
You know, I've been thinking about it.
I mean, we have really no idea what that woman's going through.
I mean, who's to say that she isn't right to be so cautious?
After all, it's her daughter. So I decided not to talk to her.
It's really none of our business.
J.D.: Today was the fifth anniversary of the time
Turk and I met David Caruso on a Ferris wheel.
Usually, to celebrate, Turk would lift me in the air
while I straddled him and yelled "Eagle!"
But this morning, I somehow knew that wasn't gonna happen.
- Hey. - Hey.
J.D.: Eagle.
Elliot didn't seem like herself, either.
I don't care what you think is right for Brianna.
Okay, if either of you hassles her mom, there will be consequences. Bad ones.
- Okay, why are you smiling? - I can't help it. It's permanent.
Donny, muffin, please.
Not bran. Better.
What do you want?
I'm getting ready to torture Nurse Chest-Whiskers,
but it's her word against mine,
so I need you to verify yesterday's incident.
What incident? I wasn't even here yesterday.
You were there.
Excuse me. What?
Shh! He's standing right here.
- Me? - Okay, I'll tell him.
My muffin thinks you're crazy and she wants you to go.
You tell your muffin that I think she's crazy. Maybe she should go.
No.
What is happening to me?
Nice job.
That lady has no idea what's good for her daughter.
I know. I just want to go over there and smush her face.
So this is you mad?
Did you hear me? Like, just smush it.
So go talk to her.
I mean, you're both sort of almost doctors.
Part of that is doing what you think is right.
- Let's do this. - Okay, try to act tough.
And forget it.
Oh! So, now we can't sit on the same side of the table?
- We never do that. - We always do up here.
Why did that sketch bother us so much?
- We've always joked about our little... - Don't say it, okay? I hate that word.
It's a bromance, Turk. You can't fight it.
It never bothered me before
because I thought it was our stupid little joke
that Elliot and Carla were in on.
But I didn't know that's how the whole hospital views us, man.
J. D?
- Pretty great, huh? - Well, when you're right, you're right.
- Yeah. - So, how's your day going?
It's pretty good so far.
I see you're eating bread again. I thought you were off carbs.
J. D!
- I'm sorry. I'm back. Continue. - Look, we're senior staff now,
so maybe at work, we should tone down the PDA.
I agree.
- But does that include... - It definitely includes "Eagle!"
Oh! Good.
Look at that, I'm not hungry anymore.
Brianna has so much to deal with right now.
It just seems like you should let her enjoy every normal moment she can
instead of forcing her to hide from life all the time.
As much as I hate to agree with Dr...
Dey.
- Your name is Sunny Dey? - Mmm-hmm.
Okay, as ridiculous as it was for her parents to name her that,
I think what you're doing with Brianna is 1,000 times worse.
My daughter's immune system doesn't work.
Why don't you two tell me what it's like
when your child risks death every time she shakes hands?
Do you think I care one bit what you think?
We tried.
You know, yesterday, Dr. Reid came in and gave me
the same sanctimonious speech, and I told her the exact same thing.
Hey, what's going on over here?
- Everything okay? - I'm great.
I just don't know what's real anymore, but that's okay, right?
I mean, so what if big chunks of my life were just figments of my imagination?
So I never went to China and had a baby with a local.
Maybe I was never in The Fugitive.
Listen, this place can make anyone crazy.
Once, after a double shift,
I swore I went home and crawled into bed with Turk.
Next day, I woke up in the on-call room spooning Dr. Beardface.
Now the guy's always slipping me hotel keys.
I can't believe you're being so nice to me
when I almost punished you for something that never even happened.
Please accept my apologies.
That was easier than I thought.
No, Beardface.
I'm so proud of you, man. You know, I've always emulated you.
I shaved my privates bald to look like your head.
Todd, I'm actually kind of touched. Come on.
What's going on?
They're gonna publish my old therapy paper.
J.D.: There it was.
He wanted a hug and I damn sure wanted to give him one,
but all we could do was say this.
- Congrats. - Thanks, man.
J.D.: Don't look back. Fight it. Fight it. Damn it, you're only human.
Turk?
I ran all the way around.
It's guy love Don't compromise
- People are gonna look. - What people?
It's guy love between two guys
Why'd you lie about talking to Brianna's mom?
I'm going first.
Why'd you go talk to her after I told you to drop it?
- It's not fair what her mom's doing. - And why is that?
I don't know, because people need to be able
to go out and do things and live life.
Where have I heard that before?
Oh! Yeah, it's the exact same advice I've given you 9,000 times.
So you had me get crushed by that mom just to prove a point?
She even had me give you a little push so you wouldn't wimp out.
I'm very bright. Look, I've been there. I did what you did.
I was an intern. I've lived at this hospital.
I saw the same exact people day after day,
which, for the record, makes even the uggos look attractive after a while.
Oh! Is that how you got together with Dr. Dorian?
What? No. Well, maybe at first. No.
No.
J.D.: Sometimes interns think they know it all,
but the lessons really never stop coming.
Whether you've heard it 1,000 times...
For the last time, get out of here every once in a while,
- or this place will swallow you up. - What about Brianna?
J.D.: Or it's something totally new.
So much crappy stuff happens here all day long,
the best way to get past it is do what I do.
Just pretend it never happened.
- Hey, sorry again. - Don't beat yourself up about it.
J.D.: Of course, some lessons you pick up on your own...
- I just got the urge to buy you a shirt. - Well, then, to the mall!
Mount up.
Eagle!
J.D.: Like how important it is to have a good friend here
to help you get through it.
Oh!
- Anyone sitting here? - Not just anyone. You.
Okay, no more talking till I'm drunk. Okay?
Partner up, please.
Val, please don't make a sign
that says "LOSER" with an arrow pointing towards Jo.
Ha-ha! Now it's pointing towards me. Very clever.
- Turk, will you get the sign, please? - I am on it.
- Val! - You guys...
- You guys are doctors. - I'm telling you.
- This is unprofessional. - Got it.
This is a different "LOSER" sign.
Where is the original "LOSER" sign? There's two now.
- Right there. I see it. - Okay, can you get that one, please?
I'm gonna get it right now.
I think we should stop looking for the sign
and start looking for the Sharpie, 'cause we're losing control here.
We are not losing control.
Okay, who wrote that?