Our study group was a well-oiled machine.
Drew was in charge and I was second in command,
responsible for two things.
Class notes. Yep, I got the notes right here.
And keeping Cole occupied while we did the real work.
Babe, these wheelie shoes are sick.
Okay, I'll just be walking next to someone,
then I'll start rolling, and they're like, "What?"
And I'm like, "Later, Tevas." God. Where should I go next?
What in the heck do you have on the bottom of those sneakers, champ?
Are... Are those wheels?
Would you show me your glide? Go ahead, roll them on out.
Get your glide on.
Dr. Cox was scary when he was in his regular mood,
but him in a good mood was utterly terrifying.
Well, are you all dying to know why I'm in such a festive mood?
'Cause you're about to do something horrible to us?
Drew, you and your worthless classmates have just won
an all-expenses-paid trip to Hell Week.
Six days and seven nights of tests, term papers and group projects.
By the end of the week, one of you is going to have a psychotic break.
How darn good is it to be me right about now?
Just this side of fabulous is the answer. Just this side of fabulous.
As much as Dr. Cox loved torturing us,
Dr. Turk enjoyed all the perks of being Chief of Surgery.
Whoo!
What a day.
T-Dog! Looking-good five!
Mmm! Mmm! Ha, ha!
Where's my pastry?
- Too sugary. - Hey. Nothing's too sugary, woman.
Tell that to your diabetes.
So, you worked hard all these years to become Chief of Surgery
- just so people would kiss your ass. - No. I get a parking spot, too.
Plus, I get to nickname people whatever I want.
Hey, what's up, Mac-and-Cheese? Aw, snap. Ham-and-Cheese.
Oh, Rain-maker in the house! What's happening?
Oh, hi.
- What was that? - Oh, we're taking a break.
Since when? What?
Well, we said "I love you" to each other,
and it's horrible and gross and I hate myself and him.
Every week is already Hell Week. How could it get any worse?
Hey, did you have Hell Week at your med school?
Yeah. It stressed me out so much my throat seized up for, like, a year.
God. How bad was it?
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Not going to lie. It left a few psychological marks.
One of you is probably going to crack. I'm looking at you, Jet Li.
But, hey, good luck. Rooting for you.
All right, Drew. You're our leader. Let's get this going.
Get what going? I rarely listen to you people.
Seriously, Big D, if I fail out of here,
I gotta go to med school in the Caribbean.
Dude, I don't speak Carribesian! So, tell us what to do.
All right, why does this always have to fall on me? I don't have the plan.
I don't have the answer to every damn question.
Hey, Drew's right. Everybody, back up, give him some space.
He'll figure out the plan and then text us.
Oh, hell, no.
Yo! Somebody's parked in my spot.
Boo-hoo. It takes me 11 minutes to pee.
Do you guys know who DOC XTREME is?
Russell Vaughn.
Surgeon, best-selling author, wrote some book
about doctoring in the Third World called Rebel Without a Co-Pay.
"'What am I supposed to do? '
"'Take the bullet out of his mistress's jaw or take a bullet of your own."'
I did the surgery and he shot me anyway.
By the way, that mistress is now my wife.
Yes, he is a bit of a douche, but every time he shows up here
he raises millions for the hospital.
And he has nailed some top-shelf international strange.
- How... - Greetings.
Hi. Dr. Russell Vaughn.
Yeah, I'm Dr. Christopher Duncan Turk, Chief of Surgery.
- Listen, man, you parked in my spot. - Okay, I'm sorry.
You know, I have to remind myself that I'm back in the States,
- where status is everything. - It's not everything.
It's just that my spot's in the shade, and I have leather seats,
and my seats get warm when the sun hits them.
I also just recently...
You're going to want to stop talking now.
Hey.
I just needed a moment of peace and quiet.
The other students will not stop asking me questions.
Oh, please, I have a hospital full of incompetents hammering me
with asinine questions every second of every day.
Doctor Cox, your patient in three is septic.
Antibiotics or vasopressors?
Antibiotics first.
That wasn't so dumb.
Wait for it.
Oh. Did you get my request for scrubs
that hug a little closer to my wham-bam?
Thank you, Todd, for being the example to a point
- that you don't understand. - You're welcome.
I didn't ask to be put in charge.
I know, Number One, but that's who we are.
We have been blessed and cursed with intelligence and wonderful hair.
And people follow.
You're just going to have to deal with that the rest of your life.
No. I'm done babysitting.
I don't want to be a leader. I just want to be a good doctor.
Fair enough.
Um...
Is there something I can help you with, Russell?
Actually, I'm helping you.
Dr. Cox told me to jump onto any cases that interested me.
I've got everything under control in this room.
Why don't you go and Russell up your own case?
Clever. I was just telling Irene here that it looks as though
she's going to need a septal myomectomy.
Russell, I'll decide which treatment is best for my patients.
We'll probably go with what he said.
Eleven minutes to answer a page? Really embarrassing.
It's 4:00 in the morning.
Hey, Bed-Head, what are those? Horses on your pajamas?
Well, I didn't do my laundry. I have nothing else to wear.
Except more horse pajamas.
Here are the case histories for your group projects.
You will test, diagnose
and come up with treatments for each of your fake patients.
You will then present your findings in three days.
Number One, you don't have to work with these stooges anymore.
I have a very special project for you.
Where's the rich jackass?
I love Hell Week.
So, what's my project?
Your project is to avoid them. They are vampires.
Time-sucking monsters who will torture you with stupid questions,
mind-numbing incompetence and petty emotional problems.
"I'm so stressed I feel like I want to kill myself."
Well, what are you waiting for? Do it.
Okay. Great. So, what exactly is my project?
I want you to focus on yourself, on your abilities,
on becoming the amazing doctor I know you can be.
Thank you so much.
Again, really unclear about what my project is.
You're just going to shadow me and stay the hell away from them.
- Listen to me, son... - Hey, Drew.
Go. Save yourself.
- What? - Run!
Hello, Blondie, is there anything I can do for you?
Uh, I was just going to ask Drew
who he thought the next leader of our group should be.
You. You're the one.
Yeah. You think so?
No, I just said that because you're the first one I saw.
Jambo, Doctors. Jambo.
That's Swahili for "Hello" or "Good morning."
Oh, is it, really? 'Cause I know what it means.
I had Jambo Juice this morning. A Berry Blast with an Echinacea Boost.
It was delicious. I'm going to live forever.
You'll be dead. I'll be alive, though. I'll be alive.
Wow. Sure you didn't get a Femboost in there?
That was pretty catty.
It's just that Russell ticks me off, you know?
He comes in here with his book and his rope bracelets
and his wanting to help me with surgeries.
- I don't need anybody's help. - Yeah. This isn't about surgery.
This is about all the attention Russell's getting. You're jealous.
If I'm going to be jealous of someone,
it's going to be a dude who could breathe underwater or Serena Williams.
That ass is righteous.
I'm just saying. Kind of acting like a 13-year-old girl.
- Oh, my God, there's Drew. - Yeah.
- Did he see me? - Yes.
- Is he coming over here? - Yes, he is.
- Crap. - Hey, Drew.
Hey. Oh!
- Hey, there, you. - Afternoon, good sir.
Your face is looking quite normal.
Oh...
- All right. - Okay...
- Okay. - Yeah.
So, I thought we could start with a little bonding game.
Two Truths and a Lie. I'll start.
I am from a small fishing town in Maryland,
horses are my favorite animal
and I once made love with tennis great Pete Sampras.
Pistol Pete? Damn, that's hot.
No, see, Cole, that was the lie.
My mom hooked up with Michael Chang.
All right, look, let's just forget about the game.
Okay, my mom used to date Craig T. Nelson.
Coach was almost my dad!
Lucy, this is a waste of time. I'm taking over the group.
Oh, damn! A coup de Trang!
All right, Lucy. Keep it together. Don't get crazy.
Lucy, what do you want?
If Cox sees me with you, he's going to kill me.
Please, I need your help.
I was leading our group and they weren't listening
and I felt it happening again.
See, whenever I get into a position of power,
something changes inside me.
Look, the key to leading the group is Trang.
You gotta get in that little bastard's face and you gotta let the crazy out.
Do you want to see how I do it?
You back the hell up right now or I will watch you die and I will laugh!
Ha, ha, ha!
See, it's easy.
There's Drew. What an ass.
Why don't you let me fix this? All right, I'm going to fix this.
Hey, Drew, come. Come on. It's cool.
- Hey, there, again. - Hey, how's it going.
You guys. Come on. You're in love.
You need to start talking. Let's get it going.
Sorry to interrupt.
Now, I understand Dr. Turk's naive impulse to get it going.
He was raised on a diet of Western television and airport novels.
But in many less developed parts of the world,
silence plays a crucial part of a couple's search
for real, true emotional intimacy.
I'm reminded of an old proverb
from the Zambezi River Tribe,
"Two hearts forged in silence grow into one."
Mmm.
- Your last tot beckons me. - Oh.
- May I? - Dude. You...
You can't just take my last tot like that.
What the... Oh, I get it.
Dude starts speaking...
And all of a sudden, everything's all good, huh?
It's all good now?
Fine. I'm going to go get some more tots.
Lucy, have a seat. We're about to start.
- What are you doing? - Staring into your soul.
Dominating your mind. I'm freaking your bean. See?
I own that. That's my vacation home.
I come up on the weekends when I feel like bringing the hurt.
All right, people, let's start on Chapter 10.
Uh-oh!
It's happening.
- All right. We should really go. - Ignore the pagers. I'm in charge.
Hey, you're right. You're absolutely right. Everything's fine.
Yes!
- What the hell happened to you guys? - Dude, it was awesome.
Lucy beat the crap out of Trang.
Best girl fight I've seen since I paid those two lady janitors to wrestle.
What is that? You all hear that?
Whoo!
Dip! Russell is breaking it down.
Ha!
That was a real Maasai warrior dance. You got moves like that?
That's not fair, now. I mean, everybody, of course,
they hear the music, but not everybody hears the music.
Are you... Yo.
- Beatbox. - What?
- Beatbox, son! - I guess I can try.
Old school!
No, keep it going! Keep it going! One leg. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
No, no, I got this. I got this.
No, don't pull me... I pulled it. I pulled it. I pulled it.
- I pulled it... - What the hell was that?
What are you talking about? A specific move or the entire program?
- Do you respect yourself right now? - Oh, God, no.
- Russell. Who's named Russell? - A ton of people.
- But it's such a girly name, right? - No, not really.
Would it hurt you to build up a brother?
You know what, I don't need you.
I'm done with this dude bothering me.
Oh!
Hell can mean different things for different people.
Whether it's being bested by a rival...
How we feeling today, Irene?
Did Dr. Vaughn tell you? I think I want him to do the surgery.
- Oh, I didn't get a chance to tell him yet. - Russell.
...or being let down by a friend.
I tried what you said with Trang and it didn't work.
Look, after months of self-doubt, I have finally found my role here.
I am a great Number Two. I'm Garfunkel, Drew.
And I am okay with that, but I need you to be my Micky Dolenz.
- That was the band, right? - Yeah. Dolenz and Garfunkel.
Couldn't you just come back? Please. We need you. I need you.
Lucy, I'm sorry, I just don't care.
You need to put on your big-girl pants, suck it up and figure it out for yourself.
So, Drew had abandoned us, and that was fine,
because I was finding my feet as a leader.
I was inspiring the group like my hero, the lesbian president from 24.
Everybody get out! I'll do it myself. You're all useless.
What? You don't need to worry about us, buddy boy.
It's my house now, and it is all good in the hood, bro.
Uh...
Russell?
Why are you putting my name in the "Assist" column?
Yes, yes, I picked you to help me with Irene's surgery.
You know, I thought it'd be a real nice feather in your cap.
- Way to go, man. - Oh! Way to go.
Russell, listen, I don't need any more feathers in my cap, okay?
I've got a peacock back here. Major plumage!
I have so much that I could teach you,
I mean, if you just open up your eyes and let me in, Turk. Let me in.
I'm about to punch you in your mouth.
Fine, but be fair warned. I trained with the Mossad, okay?
I could kill you with a button off your jacket.
Really? Well, I train with LaMarcus down at the gym.
And he was an NFL linebacker until he came out the closet.
All right, I have two minutes. Here's what you should be doing.
Thank God you're back, Drew. Lucy is crazy.
Trang, you haven't even begun to see crazy. You want to do this again?
You feeling froggy? Then leap, son.
Stop! All right, I'm not even supposed to be helping you, so listen up.
The key to diagnosing your case study is in Chapter...
Drew. Outside. Now.
- Wait, Drew, what chapter? - What book? They all have chapters!
You. Now, just exactly what in the hell were you doing in there? Come on.
Now, I gave you the keys to freedom, and you blew it.
Now, I'm going to stand here and watch as you march back into that hole
and tell those parasites that they have to do it on their own.
You know what? I can't do that because I'm one of those parasites.
In fact, I'm the king of the parasites.
And whether you like it or not, they need me.
So, fail me if you want, but I'm going to go back in there,
and I'm going to help my friends.
Of course that is what you're going to do.
You're like me, Number One. You can't help yourself.
Son, you're a leader.
You had this whole thing planned, didn't you?
You knew I wouldn't be able to stay away from them.
Yes, indeed.
A piece of advice,
pick a leadership style and stick to it,
but please avoid "aggressive shaming," because that's my bread and butter.
Yeah. I've seen your work. Very impressive.
Thank you, that means a lot to me.
Get... Go, go, go. Go. Go.
This is embarrassing.
Why you moping around like a tiny girl bitch?
Wow. Can't you ever just be like, "Hi," or, even better, "What's up?"
Sure.
What's up, tiny girl bitch?
So, you're too good to assist Russell now?
No, I am the Chief of Surgery.
- I'm no one's secretary. - Secretary?
He's asking you to help him with a tricky surgery.
Sir, do you just hang around waiting for conversations to weigh in on?
Yeah. That and my judge shows get me through the day.
Now, look, good leaders don't care about their ego.
If all you want to do is get massaged,
I've got the number of a girl who will take you to the mountaintop.
- God, you are a nasty, old man. - Thanks, dear.
Turkleton, let me cut to the quick.
Either you get into that surgery, pucker up and start kissing Russell's ass
so he continues to raise giant sums of money for this hospital,
which helps everyone, or you can continue to act like a...
- What was that, dear? - Tiny girl bitch.
That's right. Either way, it's your call, Chief.
Sir, you're so happy you're not the chief anymore, aren't you?
Every second.
All right, we have five hours to finish this project.
We'll start with the labs and move on to diagnosis.
Wait, so what? You think you can just waltz back in here
after abandoning us and be the leader of our group again?
- Yes. - Oh, thank God.
Hey, yo, Drew, I am glad you are back, man.
But I was thinking, before we start, we'd take a little break.
Garfunkel, handle that.
Yeah, you know what would be great, Cole?
Is if you could go get us all some coffee.
Hey, maybe you could take your wheelie shoes.
Oh, man, I'd love to, but some big guys took them.
Oh, well, then, why don't you just root around for mints in my purse?
Sometimes being a leader is knowing when to step up.
It is important to mention and briefly discuss,
the innervation of the pancreas...
And sometimes being a leader is knowing when to step aside.
Hey, Russell, if you still need a pair of hands, I'm here.
Good for you, Christopher.
You know, reminds me of an old anecdote
- from my good friend Bono. - Could you just cut?
He was just about to go on stage at Wimbledon.
It was the first album. The crowd...
Now that I guess we love each other,
we should probably share all our weird secrets.
All right, you go first.
I cry when I watch The Bachelor. I watch The Bachelor.
- I lost my virginity to a sofa. - I like when ice skaters fall down.
- Doesn't count, everybody likes that. - I like when children fall down.
- I love you. - Fine.
I love you, too.
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