Are you ready, kids?
all: Aye, aye, Captain!
I can't hear you.
all: Aye, aye, Captain!
♪ Ohh... ♪
♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♪
all: SpongeBob SquarePants!
♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he ♪
all: SpongeBob SquarePants!
♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish ♪
all: SpongeBob SquarePants!
♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish ♪
- all: SpongeBob SquarePants! - Ready?
all: SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob
SquarePants!
[laughing]
♪ ♪
[waves crashing]
[tropical music]
♪ ♪
[calming music]
Greetings, children of Bikini Bottom.
I am Karen, the computer fairy.
[singing opera]
And I have a magical tale to tell.
Once upon a time, there was a dim-witted sea star
who was about to stuff his fat face.
[grunts]
[humming]
♪ ♪
[grunting]
[laughs]
That idiot has such a huge pile of patties.
I don't think he'll notice if one walks away.
[laughs]
[chomping]
Aww, I need more ketchup.
[grunts]
Hmm, which patty to choose?
This one? Nope, too small.
This one? Nope, been chewed.
This one? Nope, the seeds are missing.
Hmm.
[groans]
[screams]
[grunts]
[groans] Stand up, you moron!
[shouting]
Get me an ice pack, you idiot!
Where are you, voice? Where are you?
- Uh, Patrick? - [shouts]
Oh, it's you, SpongeBob.
I thought you were this crazy voice that keeps telling me
what to do.
Oh, that's probably your conscience.
What are "conscience"? Are they bad?
No, a conscience is a tiny voice inside you
that tells you the difference between something that's right
- and something-- - [groans]
- That's wrong. - Hmm.
So I should do what the voice tells me to do?
Now that's a smart little sea star.
[laughs]
[chewing]
[chuckles]
[slurping]
[groans]
Patrick, this is your conscience speaking.
[groans]
Oh, nice to meet you, conscience.
So stupid.
So, stupid, the first thing you need to do is buy some more
Krabby Patties on the double. Hi-ya, hey-o!
That'll be the first thing I do, conscience.
Yes!
Right after I run some errands.
[quirky music]
- [groans] - Huh?
No! [grunts]
I'm calling the shots here. Now get that Krabby Patty.
It's just a little list! Please, conscience?
All right, pea brain. Make it quick.
Number one: high-five everyone!
- Huh! - No, put me down first!
- Ow! - High five!
- [screams]
- Low five! - [screams]
- High five! - [groans]
- High five! - [screams]
- High five! - Ow!
- High five! - [groans]
- High five! - Ow!
[moaning]
[grunts]
[giggles]
[ragtime piano music]
♪ ♪
Number two: Ice cream!
Yeah! [waggles tongue]
One Double Chocolate Molar Blowout, please.
One Molar Blowout, coming up!
No! You hate ice cream. You only want Krabby Patties.
[grunts]
Hey, you! Cancel that order!
[groans]
[giggles]
- [grunts] - [shouts]
Ow!
You hate high fives and ice cream?
Are you sure you're my conscience?
Uh, uh, I, uh--I'm absolutely positively your conscience.
♪ ♪
Hey, doesn't your nose grow when you tell lies
- in fairy tales? - Nope.
Noses only grow when you make up the truth.
- Ooh. - See?
[laughs] I wanna make up the truth too!
Uh, I ate a hot air balloon for breakfast.
Mm. I-I mean, um...
I did not eat a hot air balloon for breakfast.
Hey, I got a big nose too! Nose fight!
- En garde! - [screaming]
- [grunts] - Hey!
[both grunting] [cheering]
Hooray! [cheering]
[both grunting]
[shouting]
all: Uh-oh.
[quirky music]
♪ ♪
both: Sorry.
[dramatic music]
[both shouting and groaning]
[quirky music]
Time to let your conscience be your guide.
Give me that list!
[grunts]
[mutters]
- Here. - Hey, only one errand left.
Gotta give a Plankton a Krabby Patty!
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
[quirky music]
Wonder why I wanted to give Plankton a patty?
Why not Plankton? He's a sweetheart.
Huh? [grunts]
And as your conscience, I demand you toss that patty
in the mail slot!
Ooh, I love mail slot toss!
Hmm!
Not so hard! Hmm?
Mm!
I've been wanting to hit the beach all week.
[laughs] all: Goo Lagoon!
- Goo Lagoon! - Huh?
[groans] Huh?
Ah!
Patrick, please promptly pursue Plankton's patty.
Get the idea?
[groaning]
[groans]
[moaning]
How many planktons does it take to change a light bulb?
[quirky music]
One.
Oh, now I get the idea!
♪ Ooh, gotta follow that patty! ♪
[screams] Ouch!
Wait for me, you pink pinhead!
[groans]
[surf rock music]
Mmm.
- Ow. - Ow!
Hey, watch it!
- Ow! - [burps]
Huh?
[spitting]
[spits]
[snoring]
There's blubber mouth.
♪ ♪
[gulps]
There's Plankton's patty!
- You know what to do. - Do I?
[grunts]
- Oh, yeah! - [groans]
[grunts] [shouting]
Huh? [shouting]
Whoa! [groans]
[moans] Oh, well.
No patty for Plankton. [cries]
[grunts] I'm going in!
[grunting]
Ugh, just being near a whale's mouth
- gives me the creeps. - [grunts]
[shouts]
[screams]
Quiet, you fool! You'll wake up Pearl.
[screams quietly]
[groans]
[gulps] [snores]
[groans] This is snug.
Mother always said I'd end up in a whale's belly.
- Or prison. - Hey, who-a goes-a there?
- Who goes where? - The name's a-Geppetto.
Take off your hats. Stay a while.
We don't have time for a visit, old man.
We're just trying to find our sandwich!
Sandwich?
No, I haven't seen anything like that
around here in months. [chuckles]
Huh? [chuckles]
Hey, Geppetto, what's that behind your back?
- Is that our Krabby Patty? - Nope.
Oh! [grunts]
Aha!
- I got the patty! - Aha!
I got the wig!
Son, they're-a stealing our food-a!
Who's stealing our food, Pop?
Let me at 'em, let me at 'em!
Get him, Pinocchio!
[all grunting]
[humming]
[all grunting]
Oh, no. A stomachache at the beach?
That's no fun. I wish it would go away.
- Hmm? - Your wish is granted.
Hold out your hand.
[upbeat music]
Wow! What is this?
For fast relief of indigestion,
try Gush and Flush and wash your pain down the drain.
And my stupid husband, while you're at it.
[gulps] Ah.
[groans]
[all shouting]
[groans]
[all screaming]
Thank you, extra-strength Gush and Flush!
[giggles]
Pinocchio, we're-a free-a! ♪ Yeah! ♪
[snarls]
Huh? [giggles]
Don't worry about the patty, Patrick.
I'll take it to Plankton myself,
like a good little conscience. See you.
[giggles] [grunts]
- Oh, hey, Patrick. - [grunts]
- My conscience? - You are?
Yep, I'm Patrick's conscience.
But I overslept.
Well, if you're my conscience, Conscience,
- then who's that? - It's a bug!
- Step on it! - [groaning]
And they all lived happily ever after.
So until next time, this is--
- Karen! - The computer fairy,
hoping all your dreams come true.
[quirky music]
Let me at 'em, Pop. Let me at 'em.
Let me at 'em, let me-- aww!
[swashbuckling music]
♪ ♪
[accordion music]
♪ ♪
[groaning]
You people are proof that evolution can go in reverse!
all: [shushing]
[humming "Entrance of the Gladiators"]
♪ ♪
Pew! Pew! Pew!
all: [oohing]
[humming]
♪ Ta-da! ♪
[cheers and applause]
Mr. Squidward, why aren't these walking
- wallets spending money? - [grunts]
Because they're too busy watching SpongeBob cook.
- What? - Ow!
[grunting]
[whistling]
Well, he's not exactly maximerizing his work time
with those flourishes.
But boy, does that boyo have talent.
[cheerful noises]
[grunts]
And talent is worth money.
[shouting] [all scream]
[grunts]
[singing]
[quirky music]
[confused noises] I have X-ray vision!
I can see through walls.
Calm your waters, lad. I just knocked it down.
I--why'd you do that?
In the restaurant business, it's called an open kitchen,
so the customers can watch the cook cook.
Oh, Mr. Krabs, I don't know if I can take
- that kind of pressure. - Nonsense.
You're a born performer. Ooh.
Here. [grunts and spits]
[marker squeaking]
You've even got your own dressing room.
Huh? Huh? Huh?
[groans]
- [shouts] - [moans]
[groans] Come on, boyo, it's showtime.
[quirky music]
[groans] I can't.
I've got stage fright.
SpongeBob, if you don't come out, you're fired.
[groans]
- There he is! - [grunts]
Chef Bob!
Me little star!
Break a leg. Break two legs.
- My leg! - Shut up, Fred.
[singing]
[cheers and applause]
all: [oohing]
[quirky music]
[all groaning]
What?
[giggles nervously]
That's just wrong!
[groaning]
Come on, boyo, razzle-dazzle them!
- [groans] - Huh?
Oh, what do I do? What do I do?
Huh? Oh.
♪ ♪
[groans] Hmm?
♪ ♪
[cheering]
Hi, everybody! Who's hungry?
[all groaning]
I guess I am.
Welcome, welcome to my job in the kitchen of Chef Bob.
I cook and dance, I wear square pants,
cooking for this hungry mob.
♪ Your order, please! ♪
[cheering]
The little Chef Bob is a sensation.
[showy music]
[quirky music]
[murmuring]
Hi, everybody! Who's hungry?
all: We are!
Yay! [goofy noises]
[cheering]
Yah! Yah!
[laughing]
Ah! Huh? Huh?
- [goofy noises] - [elated screaming]
Voila!
[quirky music]
♪ Ta-da! ♪
- [watch beeping] - Oh, look at the time.
I gotta get home and get my beauty sleep.
Oh, what died on that guy's neck?
- Oh, it's his head. - Huh?
Hey, what died on your neck? Oh, it's your head.
[all laughing]
Why, that little plagiarist. That was my line!
[laughs]
Obviously the sleep hasn't been helping!
[laughs]
Did-did I say that? I didn't say that.
[laughs] Hey, do me.
- Insult me. - All right.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I was born pretty, what happened to you?
[laughs] That was a good one.
Huh? Whoa!
Chef Bob, we don't speak like that to our customers.
Me next! Shoot me a zinger!
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't get that.
I don't speak goober!
[all laughing]
I love it. Guilty as charged.
[laughs]
[quirky music]
[cheering]
Oh, great. I've created a monster.
A funny, talented monster.
[laughing]
Oh, I gotta hand it to you.
That new insult comedy act is really bringing in the money.
Hmm.
- Ah, what's this here? - Sorry, Mr. Krabs.
It's a list of things Chef Bob needs for his dressing room.
Oh, does he?
Fresh-cut seaweed,
a manicurist for SpongeBob's puppet hand--What?
A bigger dressing room?
In the meantime, we'll just take over your office,
- blubber boy. - Blubber boy?
Huh? Oh.
No way! [grunting]
- [groans] - What's the matter, Krabs?
- You don't like money? - [groans]
What? Of course I like money.
The office will be ready in five minutes.
Chef Bob, I think your insults are mean and hurtful.
What do you say we just go back to the Krabby Patty routines,
- huh? - Need I remind you that
my insults pay your salary?
Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir.
Chef Bob, you stole my line.
I do all the insults around here.
Oh, I am so sorry, Squidward.
You're absolutely right.
Um, oh, well, uh, thank you.
It's-it's-it's really not such a big deal.
Let me make it up to you. Hi, everybody!
I'd like to introduce you to a very good friend of mine.
Squidward Tentacles! [cheers and applause]
Huh? Oh, no, please, please.
You're-you're too kind.
I was gonna ask Squidward how old he was,
but then I remembered he can't count that high.
Huh?
[laughter]
Hmm? [growls]
All right, that's it!
You can't talk to Squidward that way!
He is one of my best friends.
[quirky music]
That's even more insulting.
Get a load of him, folks!
He must've been born on a highway because that's where
most accidents happen. Yeah!
[clucking] [laughter]
[shouting]
- Ow! - Not funny!
[both shouting]
[laughter]
[shouting]
He scores!
[chattering]
- Have a drink! - [gasping]
[gargling]
No, no! [shouting]
[all oohing]
[rumbling]
[both shouting]
[exciting music]
En garde!
[both grunting]
[groaning]
[laughing]
[both groaning]
[all gasping]
[both grunting]
[screaming]
[both crying]
Oh! Ah! Ugh!
[all muttering]
Me customers!
[groans]
All right, enough of this.
[grunts]
Chef Bob, you are hereby fired!
Mr. Squidward, will you do the honors?
[quirky music]
Let me help you slip into something more comfortable.
Like the gutter.
[quirky music]
♪ ♪
[sighs]
I learned a very valuable lesson today.
To always be yourself and not hide behind a puppet?
Well, yeah, that, but mostly don't slam your puppet hand
in a register drawer.
[both laughing]
[laughing]
Ow.
[screams]
both: What is it, Mr. Squidward?
It's-it's alive!
And now it's time for...
"The Chef Bob Cooking with Insults Show"!
And here's your host, Chef Bob!
Hi, everybody! Who's hungry?
[cheers and applause]
All right, roses are red, violets are blue.
I was born pretty, what happened to you?
[cheers and applause]
Yay, yeah!
[all groaning]
[tropical music]
♪ ♪