- Are you ready, kids? - [kids] Aye, aye, Captain.
- I can't hear you. - [kids] Aye, aye, Captain!
Oh...
♪ Who lives in a pineapple Under the sea? ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
♪ Absorbent and yellow And porous is he ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
♪ If nautical nonsense Be something you wish ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
♪ Then drop on the deck And flop like a fish ♪
- ♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪ - Ready?
[all] ♪ SpongeBob SquarePants SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
♪ SpongeBob SquarePants ♪
[laughs]
[plays tune]
[humming]
[sighs]
[upbeat music on TV]
Hello and welcome, one and all,
to a super-special episode of House Fancy!
I'm your host, Nicholas Withers.
Our first guest on today's show will be none other than...
[phone rings]
Oh...
[clears throat] Hello?
Uh, hello. Uh...
Hell-o.
Hell-o!
[gasps] This isn't Squilliam Fancyson,
my lifelong rival who I met in high school band class, is it?
The same.
You wouldn't happen to be watching House Fancy, would you?
I was until you called.
Well, Squiddy, I enjoy our chats,
but my catered lunch awaits.
And you know how hard being fabulous is on an empty stomach.
Wait! Why did you ask if I was watching House Fancy?
Sorry, Squilliam, but we've got to get back to the show.
Who's that talking in the background?
Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, Nicky, dear.
Well, toodle-loo, Squidward. Enjoy the program.
OK, folks! We'll be back after these important messages.
[shattering]
Welcome back to House Fancy. I'm Nicholas Withers.
Here next to me is Squilliam Fancyson.
Hello, peasants.
[furious groan]
Let me start by saying
what a lovely facade you have, Mister Fancyson.
Why, thank you, Nick!
And your house doesn't look too bad, either.
Oh, Nicky!
Camera crew, can we get a shot
of Mr. Fancyson's fabulous house, please?
Hey! That's no better than my house.
[sniffs]
I bid you welcome to my foyer.
- It's simply glorious! - [mimics mockingly]
It truly is, Nicky.
It's like I've died and gone to fancy heaven.
Is that what I think it is?
It sure is. It's a gilded doorknob.
Absolutely magical.
Absolutely imported!
- May I? - But of course.
- Oh, lovely. - Isn't it?
Well, I have to say, Squilliam,
and I think I'm speaking for all of our viewers out there
when I'm saying this, you are truly a fancy man.
Oh, well, all this gushing is perfectly deserved.
And now, I would like to present to you
my favorite room in the house.
It's all custom. Ah, look at this.
It's my jewel-encrusted toilet paper holder!
Such class.
Come. Let me show you... the roof.
- [laughs] An elevator? - Watch your step.
This may take a while. Just sit back and relax.
What the...?
- A whirlpool bath elevator? - I brought some soap.
- [elevator dings] - All ashore!
Welcome to my rooftop garden.
Romantic grotto,
sparkling berry mineral soda waterfall,
and my personal favorite,
a 130-foot long sculpture of my uni-brow.
It's huge, and life-like.
If you look closely,
you'll notice it's made entirely out of gilded doorknobs.
- You have the fanciest... - [phone rings]
- Uh... what? - You have the fanciest...
[phone rings]
I have the fanciest ring?
- No, your phone is ringing. - Oh.
Hello?
Oh, yeah. Hang on. Uh, it's for you.
[clears throat] Hello? Hello... Hello?
Hello. My name is Squidward Tentacles,
and my house is far fancier than that slob, Squilliam's.
- Really? - Really!
OK, we'll be at your house in two hours with a camera crew.
Two hours? But I haven't even had time to wash my hair.
[shrieks] There's a stain on the rug!
Uh... Uh... I'll use this chair to hide it.
There we go.
Now, I'll just... [screams]
There's a hideous hole in that wall!
I'll just use this painting to cover it up. Perfect.
[screams] No, no!
[clock chimes]
Oh, I'll never get this place in shape in time.
SpongeBob, how long have you been spying on me?
Um, what day is it today?
It's the day you go away and never come back!
But Squidward, if I do that, then how am I going to help you
get your house ready for the big TV show?
- How did you know about that? - I was spying on you.
You want me to get the cops down here again? Because...
[clock chimes]
[sighs] All right, fine.
But one slip-up, and you're out of here, comprendo?
Mucho comprendo, señor habanero.
All right, first I'm going to give you something so simple,
a person without a brain could get it done right.
Ooh, that's good,
cos I lent my brain to Patrick for the weekend.
- Really? - No, not really.
He traded me these chocolate bars for it.
I don't care! Just use this paint
to cover up that faded part on the wall.
- Don't touch anything else. - OK.
[slurping]
[splattering]
SpongeBob? What was that noise?
[screams] Skin me alive and drench me in boiling oil!
What have you done to my living room?
I told you to paint the faded spot!
Well, it all looked kind of faded.
[hisses]
[clock chimes]
Never mind! Maybe it won't show up on camera.
Here. Help me move this sofa.
You got it, Squiddy! Where're we moving her to?
Hang on. I'm trying to get a grip on the thing.
Now, don't move it till I say... Ow!
OK, it's on my foot. Don't... Ow!
- OK. - [screams]
Ow! SpongeBob, I told you not to move it till I said... Ow!
- Why do you keep moving it? - Cos you keep saying "Ow!"
[screams]
I don't need you. I can move it myself.
See-ee-ee-ee!
Wow, Squidward, you're so strong!
[crashing]
And you split your sofa in half.
It'll be really easy to move now!
- [doorbell rings] - Oh, no! They're already here.
Go get a vacuum to clean up all the sofa bits.
I got to run upstairs and dress my wound.
Roger!
OK, Squidward, found the vacuum. Squidward?
- Well, I'll just vacuum for him. - [vacuum whirrs]
Hmm, Squidward's house is really messy.
I'm going to need some extra power.
[grunts]
Oof!
[slurping]
OK, SpongeBob, I finished... What the?!
Don't' worry, Squidward, I'll turn it off.
- Come out of there. - [doorbell]
- Uh, hang on, please. - [doorbell rings]
Please, just one more minute, Nick.
Who's Nick?
Sorry, Squidward, I couldn't wait any longer.
I gotta use your toilet. No questions. Thanks.
[muffled groaning]
[toilet flushes]
Whew!
I wouldn't go in there for a couple days. Or weeks.
[coughing]
Please. Please!
Somebody put me out of my misery. [coughs]
[wheezes] Have mercy on my soul.
- [whimpers] - [knocking]
Oh, hey Squidward, if you see SpongeBob,
can you give him his brain back?
I was borrowing it for the weekend.
I'll just set it, uh, here. See you.
- Thank you, Patrick. - [rattling]
Oh, no!
[screams]
[explosion]
Hello, and welcome back to House Fancy.
We are at the home of Mr. Squidward Tentacles,
who claims his house is far fancier
than that of Squilliam Fancyson. Let's take a look.
Well, I... I'm not quite sure how to say this...
Go ahead, say it.
Squidward Tentacles, you seem to have ushered in
an entire new era in house fanciness!
- Huh?! - I have. I have?!
What you have done harkens back to the illustrious
"Post Primitive" movement, popularized by Saul Limpkins.
Was he a big inspiration for you?
Why, yes.
- I've studied him for years. - [groans]
I would like to announce that Squidward's house will be
featured in an hour-long, commercial-free special.
And Squidward will be crowned House Fancy Prince of the Year,
an honor which was originally to be bestowed upon Squilliam,
but now isn't.
- [groans] - Yay!
[whimpers]
Oh, don't worry, Squilliam,
I might be able to get Squidward to help you redecorate.
He is a personal friend of mine. Success hasn't gone to his head.
- Still the same old great guy... - [sobs]
[thunder crashes]
And this is the maximum-security level.
Since this is your first day,
I'll let you peek at our number one inmate.
He's too dangerous to let him around the other inmates.
Why? What'd he do? Rob a bank?
Worse. He tried to steal the Krabby Patty formula.
Oh... OK...
So, that's why we keep him
behind these impenetrable six-inch-steel doors.
[door creaks]
Course, it helps to lock it.
He's gone! He's so small, he could be anywhere.
He could be right under our noses.
Uh, Frank, where's your moustache?
[siren blares]
Ha-ha! Those fools will never find me now.
Aw, come on, baby, you know how long I been in stir.
Get out! And stay out, you two-time loser!
After everything I've done for you!
[Karen] Beat it, you jail bird! And take all your junk, too.
[grunts]
Well, that's just great.
Hey! It's my old guitar.
I used to play it when I was in that band as a kid.
Man, those were good times.
OK, everybody, one, two, one, two, three.
[flat notes]
You know, I don't think I've had any good times.
♪ Oh, I wish I was frying up Some Krabby Patties ♪
♪ That's what I really love to do ♪
♪ Take a cup full of Whoo-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ And a pinch of awooga ♪
♪ A teaspoon of... ♪ [blows raspberry]
He's singing about the Krabby Patty.
If I can just get him to explain that song,
I'll have the Krabby Patty formula!
- ♪ Mix in some... ♪ - Hi, SpongeBob.
♪ Nyah, nyah, nyah ♪
That's a real nice song.
♪ Add a splash of whee ♪
But could you explain those "Whee!" parts?
♪ And when I'm done I chop up some... ♪
[yelps]
♪ Love ♪
Are you out of your mind?
Uh, I mean,
that was a delightful song you were singing.
Thanks, Plankton. Mr. Krabs makes me censor out
all the patty ingredients from my lyrics.
Oh, that's terrible!
Krabs shouldn't stifle a true artist like you.
Go ahead and sing your patty song, uncensored!
[gasps] I know what you're doing.
What? Me? I'm not trying to steal the patty formula!
You want me to join your band.
What band? I don't have a band.
Oh, you can't fool me,
not when you've got an awesome guitar like that.
And only a true rocker
would have hair as greasy and nasty as yours.
It'll be so cool! We can write songs together.
Songs?
Yes! And you can teach me your Krabby Patty songs.
Yay! Come on. Let's go get our band together.
- Patrick! Patrick! - SpongeBob! SpongeBob!
- Patrick, I've got big news! - Me too! Me too!
What's your news?
I found out where boogers come from.
[whispers]
- Ew, really? - Uh-huh. What's your news?
Plankton just asked me to join his rock and roll band.
Can Patrick join our band?
- Sure, whatever. - Hear that? You're in.
All right! I play a mean belly.
["William Tell" on timpani]
Wow. Patrick, we're going to be famous!
[sarcastic laughter] Give me a break.
You don't know anything about music.
Too bad you're not a musical genius like me.
- Oh, Squidward! - [grunts] What the?
Would you help us by joining our band?
Well, I could help you,
but I wouldn't soil my art playing rock and roll,
dressing all in black, wearing boots covered in spikes.
Playing enormous stadiums filled with screaming, adoring fans,
clapping, demanding encores. Cheering me!
[mock cheering]
Oh. I've changed my mind.
I'll join your band and help you bottom feeders.
But I've got to get in shape first.
Isn't this great, Plankton? Squidward is going to help us.
Hmm? Uh, yeah, great.
You know, Patrick, being in a band
gives you the liberty to dress with a little more...
- How should I put this? - Yeah?
Well, with just a little more...
- Go ahead, say it, SpongeBob. - You know... pizzazz!
[clears throat] Perhaps you didn't notice my new hair-do.
Whoa-ho-ho! I stand corrected.
And unlike your nasty little wig, mine is real!
Man! How'd you grow that so fast?
Natural talent. Watch this.
[grunts]
Whoo! Yeah! Check that fancy follicle work.
Hey, check this one out!
[grunts]
Oh, man, Squidward's not going to want to miss this!
- [phone rings] - Hello?
Squidward, aren't you coming to band practice?
Are you kidding?!
I've got a lot of work to do before I'm famous.
[grunts]
- [snap] - [screaming]
[chuckles] OK, then, we'll keep your seat warm.
- Patrick? - I'm on it!
[blows]
Greetings, fellow band mates!
Hey, Plankton. What's that?
- T-shirts! - [both gasp]
[both] Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
"Plankton and the Patty Stealers?"
Uh, if you guys don't like the name...
I...
love it!
- Kind of vague and mysterious. - Can I get mine in pink?
[groans]
[laughs] It looks like a tattoo!
Hey, Plankton, can our first song go like this?
[loud guitar note]
And then turn into one of those songs that goes...
[loud screeching]
Yes, perfect. Now, all we need are the lyrics.
You know, something personal.
Maybe a secret you know, or a favorite recipe, hmm?
Or one about my new friend, Plankton.
Or the virtues of wholesome living!
[screams]
The best kind of lyrics
are the ones that are deep and revealing.
Something only you know? [coughs] Secret recipe!
I once searched for my innermost secrets.
- All I found was this. - [beating pulse]
Is that what you mean, Plankton?
[grunts]
- What is that? - It's my recording equipment.
[evil laugh]
Oh, my gosh! What do I do?
Just take a seat here, and I'll strap you in.
Now, just relax and let the equipment do its job.
[sucking noise]
Now, let's see what's locked in his subconscious.
[radio static]
♪ Time to feed him Time to feed him ♪
♪ Now it's Gary's Feeding time ♪
- ♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪ - Nope.
♪ Brush, brush, brush my teeth Gently keep them clean ♪
The Krabby Patty formula's got to be in here somewhere.
[feedback, static]
- What's going... [screams] - [electricity crackles]
[groans]
[sobs] I'm a failure!
Cheer up, Plankton! We've still got a whole week
before our first gig at the Krusty Krab.
[sobs] A-At the Krusty Krab?
Uh-huh. But Krabs doesn't want us bugging the customers,
so we have to go in when nobody's there.
When nobody's there? [drools]
[loud rock music]
[grunts]
[gasps] My perfect dream body!
[loud rock music]
[tires screech]
Oh, no! It's the cops.
- I can't let them see me! - Why?
Why? Cops are autograph hounds. Yeah, they're always after me.
Hmm, that's tough. Don't worry, I'll hide you.
[inhales]
Hey! What are you kids up to this late at night?
We're on our way to our first gig. We're in a band.
A band, huh? Well, that's, uh... Oh.
- You've got a, uh... - Got a, uh, what? [giggles]
Uh, it's right...
Yes? [giggles]
Just keep your nose clean, kid.
Sure thing, officer!
[blows nose]
They're gone.
You will never speak of this to anyone.
Come on, come on! Hurry up.
Don't worry, I just need to get the key out.
[hums]
Give me that, you incompetent fool.
Yes! The Krabby Patty formula is mine!
Uh, I mean, we'll have a great time!
Now, where does Krabs keep that formula?
Whoo! Let's rock!
- Yeah! - We're gonna be stars!
All right, Squidward, are you ready?!
- [loud chord] - I'm ready!
OK! Patrick, are you ready?
[drums, grunts]
Plankton, are you ready?!
[crickets chirp]
Plankton? [gasps] Plankton!
[feedback]
Uh, I'm ready!
Wait a minute.
Was this band just a front
so you could steal the Krabby Patty secret formula?
What? No! I was in it for the music, man.
[police sirens]
[sighs] Well, at least I'm back to my old cell.
Oh, no, you're not. We've got a special cell for you.
But I liked my old cell!
Then you're gonna love this one.
There's no time to waste, Plankton!
We've only got 22 years to practice before our next gig!
A one, and a two...
- [loud rock music] - [Plankton screams]