Oh, Neptune, surely this isn't the behavior befitting a king,
hiding in bed for days on end,
doing nothing but watching daytime television.
Wait! Rochelle was just about to meet her biological parents!
Is this about turning five thousand today?
No. Oh, my darling Amphitrite,
it is not my age that troubles me so.
It is that our son, Triton,
will not be able to share in my revelry.
Let's forget about Triton for just one day.
It's your five thousandth birthday, for shell's sake.
Yeah. OK, so long as there's no-one careless enough
to mention Triton.
Order up, Squidward!
I bet you're wondering why I'm not using my hands today.
- Not in the least, SpongeBob. - OK, OK, I'll tell ya.
Your order, ma'am.
I'm not using my hands
because today is Work Without Your Hands Day.
You should give it a whirl, buddy.
Krusty Krab, SpongeBob speaking. Just a minute, please.
Mr. Krabs? It's a "Queen Amphitrite."
She wants to have King Neptune's birthday party here.
Oh, she does, does she?
I'll handle this, laddy.
Yes, "Queen Amphitrite."
Very convincing. But you'll have to call pretty early
to fool old Eugene Krabs, prankster!
They think I was born yesterday.
Ack, ack, ack, ack, ack! Whoa!
Does seven o'clock work for you, Your Majesty?
Oil up yer spatula, boy, for tonight, you fry for a king!
So much for Work Without Your Hands Day, SquarePants.
You answer to a higher calling this day. I have the capability!
OK, that's enough, Patrick. Thank you.
You two really out-did yourselves!
It almost makes me want to pay you.
It looks like this area could use a few more decorations.
- Squidward! - Now what?
The decorations over here are looking a little sparse.
Why don't you hang up a few balloons or something?
Oh, that's better. Looks lovely, Squidward. Excellent work.
- How goes it over here? - All set, Mr. K.
Five thousand patties. One for every year Neptune's been alive.
Five thousand patties at 3.99 a pop.
Forty nundred n… bubble able buhney…
Leave it to your old boss, here,
to capitalize on such a momentous occasion.
Wow! Why, you rolled out the red carpet.
This ain't for you lot! This is for King Neptune!
Today is his birthday.
Oh, wait a minute. King Neptune is coming here?
Oh, I'm a huge fan of the royal family.
I just love everything they do.
Oh, could we please maybe watch them eat,
right here, through the window, you know?
Don't be ridiculous.
Why in Neptune's name would I let you…
See Neptune eat!
Only five dollars! Only a few seats left!
Thank you. Thank you.
Do you have change for a twenty?
Nope, sorry. I guess it's $20 for you, then.
Don't be shy, folks. Seats are going fast!
Greetings, my obedient flock.
You were right, honey.
Hearing these mortals cheer for me
has made me feel better already.
Excuse me, Mr. Royal Sea King-ness.
Your table is this way, sir.
These seats are surprisingly comfortable
for being no more than primitive storage vessels.
Oh, husband, I'm so glad to see
you're enjoying your birthday party.
And I am glad that you're glad, my dear.
And I'm glad that you're glad that I'm glad, my king.
And I'm glad that you're glad that I'm glad
- that you're glad that… - All right already!
And methinks I shall continue to enjoy it
so long as there continues to be no mention of the name…
Triton! Triton! Tri-ton!
Is there a Triton here?
Is there anybody missing from this party
that any of you guys can see?
Nope, there's nobody missing. We're all here!
Oh, I was sure there's somebody. Oh!
Here it is right here. An empty seat.
That's not an empty seat! My wife is sitting there!
No, not that chair, Your Highness!
That one! See?
It even has its pretty name card that I made still on it.
- Oh, no! - T-R-I-T-O-N.
You sure you don't know anyone named Triton?
Should I put it down, yes or no?
Triton is our son.
But as you can see,
the king doesn't want to talk about it right now.
Thank you, my darling.
I'd rather not share with this addled mortal
the woeful story of our son, Triton.
Oh, that's a good thing, yeah. You don't want to go there.
But I suppose I could tell it.
No! No! Really, it's OK!
No, you're right. I won't tell it.
Phew! Good!
Instead, I'm going to show this 16mm movie I made about it.
Could someone please dim the lights?
It all started one day
while giving Triton his smiting lessons.
That's how you strike fear into the hearts of your subjects.
Now you try, son.
Son?
Triton was increasingly fascinated
with the miserable world of the lowly mortals.
Dad, when are you gonna teach me the ball and stick game?
Never. Now, take hold of your trident
and practice your smiting, son.
I don't feel like smiting.
I wanna play the ball and stick game.
OK, son, you wanna learn the stick and ball game?
Well, here's your first lesson. Batter up.
It looks like I just hit a single.
Let's see if you can get a home run, son.
Leave me alone, Dad.
What was happening to my own flesh and blood?
Over the next few millennia,
my son grew not only in size but in perplexing behavior.
What's going on in here?
Hey, Dad. Check it out! I'm studying chemistry,
and I've just created a cure for all mortal diseases!
Nyaa! How many times do I have to tell you, we are gods!
We don't have diseases,
nor do we care whether or not the mortals contract them!
Gosh!
Try as I might, it was becoming increasingly apparent
that we would not agree on the ways of the world.
I knew I had no choice.
There was only one last resort.
No, not that one!
The island in the sky.
Isn't that island a miniature golf course?
No! The one on the other side of the river!
You mean the juvenile correction facility?
But that place is for losers, man.
Uh-huh.
OK, I'm standing in here. Now what?
What are you doing? This is bogus!
I'm sealing you inside this magical shrinking cage
until you learn to embrace your destiny
as one of the gods!
No!
You call THAT shrinking?
Well, it only shrinks 7%.
Man, that is just beyond bogus.
Perhaps in your eyes it is beyond bogus,
but it's the only way you'll learn.
Reflect on this for 10,000 years.
You can't do this, man! I've got a life to live!
I can't be stuck in this cage, man!
Gah. I hate you, old man! You hear me? I hate you!
No!
And that's that.
Huh? OK, who's ready for a pipin' hot Krabby Patty?
Would you like the first one, Your Highness?
Recounting this sad tale has upset me so much
I've lost my appetite.
Take those sandwiches away.
Can't you see the king is upset?
It's OK. Let it out.
This is a rip off!
I paid to watch high-class royal dining action,
not listen to a boring sob story.
Ooh, looks like things may be picking up. Royal violence!
Why have you not obeyed me, mortal? Be gone!
So, who's gonna pay for these, then?
If Neptune doesn't cheer up soon, me business is ruined!
Oh, no. This is all my fault because I mentioned Triton.
Well, it wouldn't be the first time you've ruined everything,
but the worst part is those 5,000 Krabby Patties
that will end up going rotten in the hot sun.
Stop, Squidward, please stop!
Your descriptions are too horrifying
for my delicate sensibilities.
I do have a way with words.
Oh, how I miss my son!
Hey, that's it! I'll fix this by reuniting Neptune with his son!
Thanks again, Mr. Bus Driver!
Now, all I've got to do is find King Neptune's long lost son.
C'mon, Krabs, think! Think!
Ooh!
Whatever it is, no.
Squidward, you're a man of culture.
Go on.
Well, these high-falutin' types,
they might appreciate that, don't you think?
Why don't you try and razzle-dazzle them
with all your pizzazz?
Pizzazz.
Hold on to your hats and glasses, people,
because Squidward the Fantabulous has arrived!
Thank you, thank you. This next one I wrote myself.
I like to call it "Three Barnacles are a Crowd
Unless They've Known Each Other for a Really Long Time."
Things just got lame again.
Yeah, well, they better get unlame real quick
or I'm asking for my money back.
No refunds?!
Well, I guess we're stuck here, then.
Argh! What the…?
I had the strangest dream that I just got hit in the head
with a tiny toenail clipping.
Hey! I was right!
It is a tiny toenail clipping.
Another one! Plus some rope!
Hey, man! What's the big idea?
Who said that? Show yourself!
I'm warning you, I know how to use these. Waah!
- I'm down here, man. - Oh, hello, little fella!
Maybe you can help me, because if I don't find Triton soon,
Mr. Krabs is gonna be real upset,
cos he spent a lot of money on party decorations.
- Party decorations? For what? - For King Neptune's birthday!
So, it's my old man's birthday. Big deal.
You mean… you're King Neptune's son?
I am. But he doesn't seem to think so.
Well, he sure seemed upset that you weren't at his party.
Ha! That's a real good one, man. Real funny.
Well, thanks, but I was just…
Do you think if that old goat really cared
he'd have me sealed up here in this magical cage
with nothing to do all day but trim my fingernails?
You're right. It just doesn't make any sense.
You're telling me, man.
I mean, gods shouldn't have to use nail clippers.
They should be able to will their fingernails
to whatever length they want.
Man, you're just like all the rest.
Don't go!
What if I there was a way to free you from this magical cage?
Then you could come to your father's birthday
and settle your differences!
Then I'd ask you to brush your teeth first, dude! Pee-yew!
Sorry, I haven't had anything to drink in a couple days.
My throat's a little dry.
This cage is only so big, man.
I'm sorry. I'll stop talking, I swear.
Never mind. Just undo the lock.
Boy, this really does look complicated. Oh, I see.
I'll just slide this square to the right, this one goes up,
this one over here… No, wait.
No. No. No!
Argh!
Man, that really is a tough nut to crack.
That lock was forged by the gods!
Not just any numbskull can open it
like it's some cheap bag of potato chips
they found in the street.
Cheap bag of potato chi…
Wait a minute! Which way to the nearest phone booth?
There's one behind that rock over there,
but I don't see what…
- Hello, Patrick? - Hey! Hey!
You'll never guess what I found today in the street…
Yeah, I'll hurry.
Oh, Patrick, you made it!
This is that magical lock I was telling you about.
- Hmm. - Yeah, I tried it
for hours and hours, but I just can't get it to…
- Open! - Wow, already?
Patrick, I'll never figure out how you're able to do those.
It's easy. I just peel the stickers off the squares
and put 'em down where they're supposed to go.
Amazing!
Well, now that this silly old cage is open,
what do you say we go pay my old man a visit?
Hate to keep him waiting on his birthday.
Well, you guys comin' or what?
Wow!
Are you gonna take us for a ride?
A ride! That's a great idea!
You guys don't mind if I pull over here for a second, do ya?
Sure, Triton. What do you need to do, use the bathroom?
No, to tell you I don't need you any more!
What an interesting man!
Ready for a room temperature Krabby Patty yet?
Nope.
Careful. This is made of imported wood.
Imported all the way from that junk pile out back.
Neptune's inconsolable.
Maybe if there was something to distract him from his pain.
The only thing that can usually do that is something that hurts
more than the original pain.
Great idea! Go play them another song!
He's back.
Oh. Uh, how… nice?
If it pleases the king, I would like to perform a…
- What the?! - Behold!
What'd he say?
I think he wants us to look out the… Oh, my!
That was incredible!
Yeah, definitely worth the five bucks.
Son?
Son, I demand to know the meaning
of this impudent imprisonment!
Well, it turns out you were right, old man.
Being trapped in that cage all those years with nowhere to go
but up in here made me realize something.
Dabbling in the world of mere mortals is totally lame.
And this is how you intend to show it?
No, man! This is how. Ha, ha, ha!
By flying through the roof?
That was Triton, Neptune's son.
I thought he was in reform school or something.
Hey! Can I have an autograph?
Sure you can.
Nothing can stop me!
What's happened here?
Hello?
Where is everybody?
Do you think maybe Triton was in that cage for a reason?
The Krusty Krab!
- It's still standing! - But look!
That mail hasn't been picked up today.
You're right.
We'd better use the secret entrance.
- Be very, very quiet. - Gotcha, pal.
What?
Please! I'll be ruined!
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs.
No-one was going to pay for them anyway.
Oh, this is terrible!
Tell me about it! I never get free food here.
Son, hear my words.
I can understand if you want to keep me locked up
in this cage and zap me,
but see it in your heart to release these others,
for they are innocent.
Well, maybe not all of them.
Sorry, old man. You lost me at the "hear my words" part.
He's unstoppable.
Only as long as King Neptune is locked up.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yeah. Triple goo-berry sundaes tonight after we free them?
No, but I like your idea better.
Make ready the disguise.
OK, now!
No! Please! No more!
Quick, Patrick! Unlock it before he sees us!
You got it! Urgh!
SpongeBob, scootch back a little.
Excuse me. OK, got it!
You better hurry it up, Patrick. He's getting bored.
Don't rush me! OK, got it!
I was just kidding, man!
No! No, please! I never meant to.
Son, I have tried all my life to be gentle.
But this time you have…
Are you responsible for all this destruction?
Don't send me back to the cage, man! I-I…
The cage?! Why, son, you've just given me
the best five thousandth birthday present
I've ever received!
You've finally learned to use your god powers.
Now I know that when my reign comes to a close,
I will have a worthy successor!
And that's really all I could ever hope for as a king,
and as your father! Come here, you!
Aw, Dad, I love you, man.
Huzzah!
- Yay! - Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
- Hooray! - Whoo-hoo!
Celebrate!
Now let's go home, son.
Toodle-oo!
Neptune and friends, wait! What about the party!
What about me restaurant?
Ah, yes! Many thanks, whoever you are!
It was the best birthday I could ever have hoped for.
And it's all because of your little employee there.
None of this would have happened if it wasn't for his actions.
Did you hear that? Neptune said this was all because of me!
- Well, SpongeBob, that's… - Did you hear that?
Neptune said this was all because of that guy!
He did, did he?
- Uh, SpongeBob? - Yes, Patrick?
Do you think right now might be a good time
to go get those triple goo-berry sundaes you were talking about?
I think right now might be an excellent time.