PICARD: Captain's log, stardate 42402.7
We are traveling in the Omega Sagitta System
traversing between twin planets that form the coalition of Madena.
Both worlds are populated by a humanoid race
which colonized the planets two centuries ago
and which now coexist under a precarious but successful treaty.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
Unidentified vessel approaching.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
Sensor readings show it to be a small Class Nine vessel.
Probably an interplanetary cargo ship.
One life sign aboard, sir.
It appears to be humanoid.
- I have its call sign now, sir. WORF: Confirmed.
Armed with lasers only.
Its cargo holds are empty.
The readout shows its guidance system is malfunctioning.
The pilot is attempting to hold course manually.
I recommend we set the Enterprise on an intercept course
in case he needs emergency assistance.
Make it so, Mr. Crusher.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
We are in position now, captain.
Open hailing frequencies.
- Hailing frequencies open. - On viewer.
This is the U.S.S. Enterprise. Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
OKONA: And this is the cargo carrier Erstwhile.
Captain Okona at your service, sir.
There's no need for your phasers, captain.
I'm harmless and not quite yet ready for a mercy killing.
You were never considered a danger, captain.
Oh, that's a shame. I can remember when I was at least considered a risk.
I'm the owner and operator of this craft,
and since we both know that you've already scanned it,
you know I'm alone and empty.
Which is truly a rare occasion for a man of my charm and talent.
Mute main viewer.
- Counselor? TROI: His emotions suggest
he's mischievous, irreverent, and somewhat brazen.
The word that seems to best describe him is rogue.
Rogue?
Ah. Cad, knave, rake, rascal, villain, wild elephant—
Yes, Data, but there is no malevolence or ill will.
Audio on. Do you have a burnout in your guidance system, captain?
Whoa. Since you're able to diagnose my problems,
how about helping me fix them?
Captain, we can easily repair the type of system he uses.
We can accommodate you, captain.
This is the First Officer. If you prepare to shut down your engines,
we can lock on the tractor and beam you here.
Sir, recommend limited access to our ship.
PICARD: Agreed. - Data, lock on the tractor beam.
Transporter Chief, prepare to beam him aboard.
ROBINSON: Ready on your command, sir.
Excuse me, commander, is that a woman's voice I hear?
Yes. Now please follow Commander Riker's instructions
so our ship can get back to its normal routine.
OKONA: Whatever you say, captain.
Something funny?
Well, the unexpected is our normal routine.
PICARD: Space.
The final frontier.
These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
Its continuing mission to explore strange new worlds
to seek out new life and new civilizations.
To boldly go where no one has gone before.
Hold it steady, Wesley.
- Ready to link up on my command. - Aye, sir.
Easy, easy.
Engage.
Captain Okona, shut down your engines.
OKONA: Understood. - Transporter Room,
prepare for the beaming. We're on our way.
Wesley, Data, let's go.
Your weapons, please.
A Klingon security officer?
WORF: Yes.
No wars available, eh?
It's more a piece of jewelry than a weapon. A remembrance.
Welcome aboard, Captain Okona. I'm Commander Riker.
If you'll turn over the inoperative part to Commander Data,
we can begin repairs.
I'd be most happy to do the work myself, commander.
I'm sort of the hands-on type.
I think you'd find the tools we use rather unusual, sir.
I can believe that. May I at least watch?
- That can be arranged. - Good, then.
Commander, I leave this in your capable hands.
Sir, this is Commander Data. I'm just an Acting Ensign.
Well, Acting Ensigns have names, don't they?
Wesley. Wesley Crusher.
Nice to meet you, Acting Ensign, Wesley, Wesley Crusher.
And thank you
for beaming me here and enabling me to see a truly beautiful woman.
You have the majestic carriage and loveliness
that could surely be traced back to the noblest families.
Well, I'm sure you've said that to many ladies before
and it was no more true then than it is now.
But it's how I say it that's really important.
The warmth,
the attraction that I have for you.
The attraction that we share.
Mr. Okona appears to have excellent vision,
as well as a healthy libido.
[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
RIKER: Captain Okona,
if you follow Commander Data, you can get started right away.
[SIGHS]
Now, that's sex appeal.
Sexual attraction in this context is not a part of my programming.
I am an android.
Well, then, have you seen any good-looking computers lately?
That's a joke. It's funny.
Oh. Of course it is.
[LAUGHING]
- Will that do what the original did? - It sure will. And better.
Let me show you.
On your old one here, the Zelebium contacts wore down and then fused.
Now what I've done is replace them with Tricellite.
Tricellite isn't available in this system if I ever had to replace it.
Don't worry, you won't. Your ship will never outlast this part.
Because of the part or the way I fly my ship?
[LAUGHING]
Well, this part. But the stress test did show
that you tend to push your ship a little beyond its designed capabilities.
Blame the pattern of my life, Lieutenant La Forge.
Because it relegates me to cargo carrying
rather than the grand explorations you enjoy,
I am forced to add a measure of flamboyancy and zest
to the doldrums of my existence.
- Have you ever been cold? - No.
- Warm then? - No.
- What about drunk, ever do that? - From alcohol?
- That is not possible for me, sir. - Pity.
What about love?
- The act or the emotion? - They're both the same.
I believe that statement to be inaccurate, sir.
Maybe.
Life
is like loading twice your cargo weight onto your spacecraft.
If it's canaries,
and you can keep half of them flying all the time.
You're all right.
I doubt that statement is entirely accurate either, sir.
Accurate? That was a joke I just told you.
I do not understand.
- You don't know what a joke is? - Of course I do.
It is a witticism, a gag, a bon mot,
a fluctuation of words concluding with a trick ending.
That's the dictionary meaning. I'm talking about humor, fun.
Do you know what funny is?
Where is 806?
Right over there, sir. Why?
You probably wouldn't understand that either.
ROBINSON: Hello, there.
- Status on the repair? - Working on it.
Commander, what do you think of Captain Okona?
Well, Okona is an interesting man certainly.
We've seen how he handles his ship.
Apparently he knows how to handle people as well.
Then why does he work alone?
He's a man who lives his life by his own rules.
He does what he does by choice, by his choice.
Someday you'll make yours.
I already have.
So you agree with Okona that I am missing a very important human factor.
I never said that. I simply said that I've never seen you laugh.
I am capable of that function, when it is expected of me.
Data, do you even know what a joke is?
Of course I do. It is a witticism, a gag, a bon mot,
- a fluctuation— - Stop.
Look, there's just you and I here.
We're talking, we're having an intimate conversation.
Why? Because you're a droid and I'm a noid.
- But why? - Because that's what I am.
- Have I said something to offend you? - No.
Then why are you annoyed?
Because you're a droid and I'm a noid.
- Humanoid. - Yes.
- You told a joke? - Yes.
- I am not laughing. - Yes.
- Perhaps the joke was not funny. - No. The joke was funny.
It's you, Data.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
I agree. What do I do?
Well, under normal circumstances, I'd say seek a higher power.
But in your case, probably a smarter computer is in order.
Computer, I wish to know more about humor.
Why certain combinations of words and actions make humans laugh.
COMPUTER: Source material on that subject is extensive.
Please specify.
Animated presentation, humanoid, interaction required.
Physical humor, cerebral or general raconteur?
Of all performers available, who's considered the funniest?
Twenty third century, Stan Orega,
specialized in jokes about quantum mathematics.
No. Too esoteric.
- More generic. - Accessing.
That one.
- RW96321, 20th century. - Program complete. You may enter.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.
You've been great. I'd like to take you all home with me.
Unfortunately, I took the last audience home and there's no more room.
Heh. Buh-bum. But thank you, really, thank you.
And thank you for bringing me here. What's up?
Mr. Comic, I wish to know what is funny.
Funny? I don't know. It's a matter of opinion, I guess.
Tip O'Neill in a dress.
Some people say words that end with a K are funny.
A briefcase that looks like a fish. Personally, I find that hysterical.
Tip O'Neill. Accessing.
Twentieth century male, politician, overweight, wearing female clothing.
Carrying a valise that looks like a fish.
So the juxtaposition of gender and an amphibian briefcase is funny.
Well, I think whatever makes you laugh is funny.
Nothing makes me laugh. I wish to learn.
Well, how much time do we have here?
- Unlimited. - We're gonna need it.
- Because you, pal, are a tough room. - Tough room?
Ah. A colloquialism meaning a severe, rigid, close-minded audience.
I understand. I will attempt to be an easy room.
- Show me what is funny. - All right, you're on. Uh...
Jerry Lewis. Jerry Lewis.
[IMITATES JERRY LEWIS YELLING]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Ooh. Ooh, ah.
Mr. Robot, would you like to come up—
- I'm an android. - Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Mr. Android, here, teeth. Put them in your mouth.
Come, come up, Mr... Where did he go?
Where, where did... Mr. What, Mr. And—
Here, try if you would. We go... We do... Hah.
- Ha. - No.
- Hai-ee. - Ha-hai.
- Ahh! Ahh! - Hai! Hai!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[MUMBLING]
That is considered to...
That is considered to be funny?
Actually it brought the house down in Teaneck.
Ah. A word that ends in K.
So if you put funny teeth in your mouth
and jump around like an idiot, that is considered funny.
- I'm sorry, I didn't get your name. - Data.
Data, look, did you ever consider juggling,
- weird bird calls, something like that? - That does not apply.
I simply want to know what is funny.
I want to involve myself in other peoples' laughter.
I wish to join in.
Well, I think that's nice.
Let's put the physical stuff aside for a while.
And we'll do some jokes.
Not my forte, but I think that would work for you.
If you would just have a seat and we'll try some jokes like, I don't know,
we'll start with the classics.
See, there's a traveling salesman,
he's going down the road, his car breaks down.
Access faster.
[SPEAKING RAPIDLY] It's probably best when you do something like this,
you need a little cigar. Because it's, kind of, a prop,
kind of thing, you got to go like this...
Faster. Move to maximum speed.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
A guy walks into the doctor's office.
The doctor tells him, "You need an operation."
The guy says, "l want a second opinion".
The doctor says, "Okay, you're ugly too." Buh-dum-boom.
- Wasn't that funny? - No.
Data, you spoiled the joke.
I mean, it could have been your timing.
My timing is digital.
[CHUCKLES]
What?
- That's funny. - Why?
It would take too long to explain. Tell me another joke.
A monk, a clone and a Ferengi decided to go bowling together—
PICARD: Commander Data, report to the Main Bridge immediately.
DATA: I will be back.
Bring new jokes.
We have an unidentified at twelve-mark-four.
No response to our inquiries.
Extend hailing frequencies, all languages, all channels.
WORF: Extending.
DATA: Sensors show it to be an interplanetary vessel, sir.
- Class Seven. Crew complement, 26. WORF: Still no response.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
Captain, they are now locking lasers on us.
- Lasers? WORF: Yes, sir.
Lasers can't even penetrate our navigation shields.
Don't they know that?
Regulations do call for a Yellow Alert.
Hmm. Very old regulation.
Well, make it so, Number One. And reduce speed.
Drop main shields as well.
May I ask why, sir?
In case we decide to surrender to them, Number One.
[GROWLS]
Still no response to our hail, sir.
It is slowing and holding its position, captain.
Sir, we are now being hailed.
Viewer on.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
Federation vessel, you have no rights in this solar system.
I am Debin of Planet Atlec,
ordering you to heave to and prepare to be boarded.
Shades of Gulliver's Travels. He actually meant it.
But he is right. We are in their solar system.
- Open a channel. - Open, sir.
I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise.
For what reason have you locked your weapons on us?
Enterprise, you are towing the spacecraft of a known criminal.
He was in need of emergency repair. It was our obligation to assist.
You have a man aboard by the name of Okona. I want him.
On what authority?
He is guilty of crimes committed on the Planet Atlec.
I expect him to be turned over to my authority immediately.
Mute.
- What do you think, counselor? - He believes what he's saying.
His anger is genuine.
Open.
What crimes are you referring to?
Neither important nor necessary. I want Okona now!
Captain, we have another Class Seven armed spacecraft
approaching from the opposite sector.
Another ship from Atlec?
Similar in specifications and capabilities,
but a variation in markings and hailing language.
Debin, hold this position. Viewer off.
Data, identify.
Sensors indicate it's a security vessel from the Planet Straleb.
Another glob fly.
Glob fly?
A Klingon fly, half the size of an Earth mosquito,
with no sting and buzzing sound like this, mm—
Data, viewer on. Hailing frequencies.
Open, sir.
I am Secretary Kushell
from the Legation of Unity of the Planet Straleb.
I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
We know who you are, Captain Picard.
We've been monitoring your communications
and we know of the demands made by Debin of the Planet Atlec.
Then you're aware that we have no hostile intentions.
You only have to concede to one demand.
That word demand has a tone of finality.
It is a word I have chosen.
We demand that you turn Okona over to us immediately.
Mute.
Mr. Okona, to the bridge immediately.
Open.
The same demand has been made by the Atlec legation.
I have no interest in their request.
But we intend to back up our legal rights to Okona.
I would rather not escalate this situation any further.
Our honor and prestige are at stake.
We are prepared to take Okona by force
and die in the doing of it, if necessary.
I trust that that can be avoided.
I will respond to your request shortly. Viewer off.
Captain Okona has not responded, sir.
He's been reported in three different crew quarters.
Find him. Get him up here.
Yes, sir.
You will come with me to the Main Bridge.
I'm sure it can wait a few minutes.
Now!
I'd like that
but I have my orders.
Some other time.
Remember what it took to drag me from your arms.
Am I going to meet Captain Picard?
[WORF CHUCKLES]
- Definitely. - I say something funny?
Captain Picard, this is Thadiun Okona.
Mr. Okona, you were welcomed aboard
without any undue investigation.
In turn, it was assumed that you did not come under false pretenses.
It now seems that you may have done
Heh. Captain,
if you mean my "socializing" with the members of the crew.
PICARD: Mr. Okona,
you are free to socialize with the members of my crew.
I'm talking about a man named Debin.
He's from Atlec. I've had dealings with some of his family.
Then perhaps you can explain why his craft is threatening
to attack us unless I give him custody of you.
I can't.
Then tell me why Kushell of the Planet Straleb
- is demanding the same thing. - He's here also?
Mm-hm. And quite adamant.
Mr. Okona, what crimes are you accused of?
I am not a criminal.
Why do these men want you?
Uh...
I can't say.
They are threatening to attack the Enterprise.
They'd be crazy. They wouldn't stand a chance.
Right!
So you can offer no reason, why they are
set on this provocative course?
I can't think of one right now.
On viewer.
- Which ship? - What? Uh...
The first one. Captain Debin.
Captain, let me ask you again. What are Okona's crimes?
That is not your concern.
It is if you wish me to release him to you.
All right. You want to know what he did?
You want to know why I have chased him across this system?
All right, here. This is his crime.
He dishonored my daughter. He took advantage of her.
Then he ran off and left her carrying his bastard child.
He'll return. And he'll do the right thing
or I'll hunt him to the ends of the galaxy.
PICARD: Captain's log supplemental.
Some of the mystery surrounding this ancient morality play
we've been dragged into has been revealed.
One of Captain Okona's pursuers is an outraged father with a heartfelt,
if arcane, sense of righteousness.
Your advice, Counselor.
We are dealing with ancient codes involving procreation.
While they may appear meaningless to us,
to Debin they represent his honor.
He will fight, risking himself, his crew,
his daughter, and her unborn child.
You know, Captain, your Counselor is right. He will fight.
The Captain of the other ship is demanding to be heard.
I don't suppose you can give me any indication why this man wants you.
[SIGHS]
Let's put all this together.
Lieutenant Worf, multiple image, full conference mode.
- Let them all see each other. - Yes, sir.
Here you are, Debin trying to save this criminal.
My purpose is not your concern.
- It is if it involves Okona. PICARD: Gentlemen.
Please, let's try and resolve this matter.
Captain Kushell,
what crime has Okona allegedly committed against you?
He is a thief. He stole the Jewel of Thesia.
- A national heritage. - A thing. An item.
My case involves the victimization of my daughter.
And my honor.
- I'll have Okona now. - He is mine.
One at a time. Who accuses me of stealing?
- I do. My son, Benzan and l. - Father, please.
- He used you to become my friend. - He used my daughter.
He used my son to plunder a national treasure!
PICARD: Mute.
[MUTED DIALOGUE]
Terminate communications. Come with me.
Captain, you can't be afraid of what those two can do to your ship.
No.
They can fire until their lasers run dry and they wouldn't hurt the Enterprise.
My predicament is what to do with you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my ship broke down. I'm sorry you stopped to help.
I'm sorry you're involved.
But you're right. Whatever happens, however it goes, someone gets hurt.
Hand me over to Kushell, and Debin goes to war.
And if I hand you over to Debin, it's the same thing.
I wish I could...
I wish I could make it easier.
I'm sure you do.
I'm not going to apologize for the way I am or how I live my life.
But, just for the record, I did not steal the Jewel of Thesia.
I am not a criminal, Captain, and as to the other business,
that's between me and Yanar, no one else.
In truth, I
simply do not have authority in this matter. I'm not your judge,
nor is it my duty to arbitrate.
But you are in my custody and that creates the dilemma.
How about this?
Do what you said. Fix my guidance system and let me leave.
According to Starfleet regulations, that would be my only course of action.
But their ships are faster than yours. I'm not doing you a favor.
Captain, with all due respect, that's not your concern.
Besides I can take care of myself.
MAN: Let's have a look at that.
You're quite a craftsman, Lieutenant La Forge.
- How soon? - What's the rush?
- I thought you liked it here. - I did. It stopped liking me.
Time to disappear.
- Where will you go? - What?
I said, where will you go?
A new place, if I make it.
- Don't you ever stay anywhere? - Not for long.
- I couldn't be like that. - Oh?
I mean, always being alone.
Commander Riker says you choose to live the way you do, and like it.
Is that what he says?
Yeah.
It would be difficult for me to be leaving all the time.
I'd miss my friends, the people I love.
I guess leaving's gotten easy for you.
I seem to have a way of using up a place.
I wasn't talking about a place.
I know. I know what you were talking about.
LA FORGE: It's ready.
You should be able to install this in roughly five minutes.
[SIGHS]
Like you said, Geordi, what's the rush?
I have some friends around here. I think it's time to make a stand.
PICARD: Mr. Okona.
Captain, I've decided not to leave.
- Oh. - Don't worry. I'm not staying either.
PICARD: Just what are your plans, Mr. Okona?
I've decided to surrender myself.
To which one?
Ha-ha-ha. There's really only one option.
Viewer on.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
Gentlemen, communicating like this is very distracting.
I suggest that we beam you up to the Enterprise
and we'll resolve this face-to-face.
Excellent.
Agreed.
Leave your weapons behind. Let's keep this civilized.
Number One, you have the bridge. Counselor Troi,
would you accompany me to Deck 14 conference room?
- Worf, see to our guests. WORF: Aye, sir.
ROBINSON: They have no weapons.
WORF: This way.
- Okona, you are without shame. - For once I agree with Debin.
You are without shame.
I trusted you. My son treated you like a brother.
And then, to steal from us. I want him now.
No, He's coming with me.
Captain, my complaint was registered first.
Now, please, please be calm. Lieutenant, thank you.
Everyone is talking about me, and no one's talking to me.
You all believe I stole the jewel.
And it was I who fathered the child.
You dare call my daughter a liar?
And now I'm offered these two choices
and given these two options
condemnation as a thief or, marriage to the beautiful Yanar.
I will take the more pleasant sentence.
I will take Yanar as my wife.
- No, you can't. - My son is right.
- You can't escape that way. - That's not what I mean.
It's not up to you nor to Okona.
I've been dishonored. I will decide.
YANAR: Wait.
Since all of you believe Okona is the father of this child, then so be it.
- I'll marry you. - No, you can't.
- Yes, I can. - Okona is still a thief.
No, he's not. Nothing has been stolen.
The Jewel of Thesia has been taken into custody by its rightful heir.
Me.
I was to give it to Yanar as our pledge of marriage.
Marriage?
Yanar is carrying my child.
Oh. You said it was Okona's.
If I told you it was Benzan, you would have gone to war with his father.
So I let you believe it was Okona.
See how a man gets a reputation?
If I had told you that I was giving the jewel to Debin's daughter,
you'd have disowned me.
Now we're hearing some truth.
KUSHELL: So you let me chase Okona
- when you knew he was innocent— - Yes.
Because I didn't believe for one moment that you could catch him.
Well said. He never would have.
Then once Yanar accepted the Jewel,
- the marriage would have been made. - Well, I never got it.
Then Okona does have the Jewel.
I never had the chance to deliver it.
Anyway, it's too late. I won't marry Benzan.
Then you'll marry Okona.
I won't marry anyone.
I have reinstated the same program.
Along with some new jokes, I hope.
COMPUTER: Program complete. Enter when ready.
Comic, continue.
More freebies, huh? No cover, no minimum.
Just, "Comic, continue"?
So tell me, Data, what happened?
- I told a joke. - And?
No one laughed.
No one? Nobody in the whole room?
I was the whole room.
She said I spoiled the joke.
Actually, killed would have been a better word.
I think I know what your problem is.
You should always try out new material on an audience.
He could be right. Perhaps an audience is what you need.
Computer.
Program an audience appropriate to this venue.
[AUDIENCE CHATTERING]
OKONA: Yanar...
You're angry at the embarrassment of all this,
and maybe the timing and the approach is not the most romantic,
but I know you love Benzan,
and I don't want to see you throw away that feeling
because your parents have been quarreling for years
and don't know how to behave properly.
I've carried your messages back and forth for almost six months.
Smuggled each of you into the other's homeland.
You feel for him the same way he feels for you.
I do love you.
It is your child. It's our child.
Marry me.
Yes.
[WHISTLES]
We'll find a new planet to live on.
[CHUCKLES]
You'll live on Straleb.
No, no, no, no, no. You'll live on Atlec.
I will not have this man raising my grandson.
The rest of this
is an issue, gentlemen, to be settled between yourselves.
Now if you'll excuse us, we have business.
YANAR: Thank you, Captain.
- Your grandson? KUSHELL: My grandson.
Thank you.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
Thank you. Thanks for coming, folks.
We've got a great show for you tonight.
I'm so excited this evening.
Tonight I have for you the funny man of the stars,
the Android of Antics, that Lieutenant Commander of Mirth,
give him a welcome, ladies and gentlemen
none other than, he's just the best. Data.
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
Good evening, ladies and germs.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[DRUM ROLL]
[ALL LAUGHING]
I come from a town so small, we had a fraction for a zip code.
[ALL LAUGHING]
- You made a living doing this? - Yes, I did.
It was so small, in fact, we didn't have a godfather of crime,
we had a nephew.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I was so ugly as a child, they hung a pork chop around my neck
[ALL LAUGHING]
so the dog would play with me.
[ALL LAUGHING]
And then there was the human cannonball
that was hired and fired in the same night.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
Audience program, off.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Discontinue Comic.
It was a Holodeck audience.
They were programmed to laugh at everything.
Perhaps I should reprogram the audience
to display a more accurate response.
Data, let me give you one.
Being able to make people laugh,
or being able to laugh, is not the end-all and be-all of being human.
No, but there is nothing more uniquely human.
Hold your speed, Captain Okona.
Disengage.
Separated.
I'm under my own power now. Thank you, Enterprise.
- Thank you, Captain Picard. - Good-bye, Captain Okona.
Bye, Captain Okona.
Say good-bye, Data.
Goodbye Data.
[TROI & RIKER LAUGH]
Was that funny?
[CHUCKLES]
Accessing.
Huh. Burns and Allen, Roxy Theatre, New York City, 1932.
It still works.
Then there was the one about the girl in the nudist colony
that nothing looked good on.
We're ready to get underway, sir.
Take my Worf, please.
- Warp speed, sir? - Please.