I'm telling you, it's impossible.
I tried, and this is what happened.
That can't possibly explain how you can chip a tooth
while you're trying to lick your elbow.
Doh! Oh, ah.
Mr. Corneille, your face! What happened?
Pretty mama, handsome daddy.
No, I meant your black eye.
Ha. You should see the other guys.
Hi, Mr Corneille.
I-I cannot stress strongly enough,
these are not the other guys.
What happened to your face?
Oh, I just walked into the cage and got hurt.
What?! You got into the cage, like you're an MMMMA fighter?
- I -- - Oh.
-Hmm. -What's that?
"Meaty Man Misunderstanding Martial Arts."
Sounds kinda violent. Pfff! Only according to the so-called "medical community."
Oh, Mr. Corneille.
Who'd have thought you'd be so --
Oh, that arm feels a lot more withered
than I thought it was gonna be.
Well, when you're fighting in the cage,
the most important muscle is the heart.
And right now, you're giving mine a workout.
Teach us.
I -- I don't know, um --
Te-e-e-e-ach us-s-s-s!
The men who step into the cage love what they do.
And by stepping into it, you're saying to your opponent,
"I love you, and I'm gonna punch you in the body
with my body with so much love that you pass out."
What? I thought you were gonna teach us
how to become tough fighter guys.
But if you rearrange the letters of "tough fighter guy"
you get "tighter of hug guy."
Coincidence? Yes, but a useful one.
Come, let's get started.
I'm, uh, sorry to interrupt whatever that is,
but I'm afraid I have some bad news.
There have been some budget cuts,
and the school-board has agreed to rent out half the school
to another "institution."
So I'm afraid you have to leave.
Surely there was a better solution.
This is our last resort.
We've already cut everything we can from the budget.
Look, those aren't even real fire extinguishers.
They're just canisters of Dippy String.
If a fire starts in this school,
things are gonna get very dippy --
also pretty tragic.
So you're just gonna privatize the school
like some kind of prison?
Funny you should say that.
Don't worry.
Just means one of your new "classmates" has escaped.
We'll know if anything really bad happens
because the big siren will go --
What's happened to our school is a disaster --
the forced exercise, the communal showers,
the canteen slop, the unpaid work, the abuse of power.
And if that wasn't enough, now with the prisoners
it's gonna be overcrowded, too!
There must be a solution.
Dah! Hmph!
Ow!
Wait. Maybe that poster is fate hitting us right in the face
with the answer to our problem.
"Hair Force Gone. Full Body Waxing.
Tell us when to stop... We won't listen!"
No, I meant that one. An MMMMA challenger fight!
I'm sorry, but I don't fight for money.
Violence is never the best solution.
What about the nurse?
She wouldn't even have a job if people didn't get hurt.
My alibi is watertight,
unlike that boat the previous nurse was in.
I mean, Mr Corneille,
surely you'll fight if it means saving the school?
But to go back into the cage,
I'm gonna need a whole support team.
Even a medic. - I'll patch you up.
I meant someone qualified,
someone who knows how to use a scalpel.
And, no, that doesn't mean you either, Frank The Butcher!
So what do you say, Miss Markham?
Please, Mr Corneille, let's lose the formalities.
My name is Joan. -Mine is Moonchild.
-I'll stick with Corneille. -Fair enough.
-So you'll fight, then? -Absolutely.
Time for the weigh-in.
On my right, we have the reigning champion,
Joao "The Grave" Diga!
And on my left, we have the challenger...
What's his name, kid?
-Quick, we need a name. -Oh, oh, I got it.
The Frog Prince.
Sounds like he's gonna get kissed -- by a fist.
The Croaker. That's like all he does is croak.
-The Frogspawn. -Now, that's just gross.
Colonel Jazzhands, The Gentleman Crawler,
The Birthday Boy, The Summertime Man.
Wait, I've got it. Look out. It's Christmas Person.
Are you having a brain cramp?
Why don't you do better, then?
The Amphibarbarian.
The Amphibarbarian!
Yeah, that's better.
Where's the rest of him?
He looks like one of those before-and-after ads,
but before the gym and after a disease.
You don't have to take that.
This man is a joke!
You wanna joke?
When I've finished with you,
they'll have to send your teeth to you in the mail.
Because the teeth will have landed far away
and the postal service is the most practical way
for you to retrieve them
and avoid the necessity of going there on foot.
Oh, oh! Trash-talking time!
Oh, yeah? Well, I heard you train 24/7,
which I guess you have the freedom to do
when you don't have any meaningful relationships.
What?
Being so rich and successful,
it must be difficult to know whether your friends like you
for your fame or for your lack of personality.
You know what's really loud, Joao?
Insecurity. Confidence is silent.
Just like your empty mansion.
Gentlemen, please!
Save it for the fight.
Before this, I was just gonna break you.
But now I am going to end you!
Mr Corneille, aren't you a little concerned
about what Joao said?
Yeah, shouldn't you be, like, training instead of meditating?
Wait a minute.
Come on! How can you sleep
when your opponent is capable of this?
That was a friendly match against the US Navy.
The week after that, he was scheduled to fight Belgium.
-Fight who in Belgium? -The whole country.
But they forfeited when they saw what he did to the ship.
Kids, you need to relax. I have a plan.
We let that guy wear himself out
with a gruelling training schedule while I save my energy.
I call it the art of training without training.
Cue montage.
♪ Take a rest, sit down ♪
♪ Let the other guy do the runnin' round ♪
♪ Take a rest, lie down ♪
♪ Ditch the track suit for a dressin' gown ♪
♪ Try to relax, don't tire yourself out ♪
♪ Avoid any form of training ♪
♪ Like, seriously, dude, workin' hard at stuff ♪
♪ Is dumb and super draining ♪
♪ Ba-da ditty, I'm just filling time ♪
♪ I'm not even gonna make it rhyme ♪
♪ But, oh, my goodness, that bit rhymed accidentally ♪
♪ Well, here's the chorus again ♪
♪ Take a rest, sit down ♪
♪ Somethin' about runnin' ♪
Take a...
Arrgh! My neck!
I'm sorry, but as your trainer,
I must tell you that you cannot fight in this condition.
It's just a crick in the neck.
No, I meant you're really physically underdeveloped.
Which is a polite way to say that I've seen stronger limbs
on discarded Christmas trees in March
and that you're gonna get your butt handed to you -- in an urn.
Hey, don't worry, kids.
I've studied video footage of Joao.
He's got a tell-tale sign just before he hits.
What is it?
He curls his fingers into a fist and raises his arm.
Ah, come on, kids. Lighten up.
90% of a fight is won in the mind.
All you need to do is believe in me.
Can you do that?
Okay.
Hey, is this Joao's manager?
Yeah, this is Corneille's team. We want to pull out of the fight.
- What?! - We're forfeiting.
You can't do that on the day of the fight!
Okay, I can give you an extra $10,000.
Yep, nah, we just want to pull out.
Sorry, had to make another pot.
Listen, this is my last offer.
Your guy goes down in the first round and we split the ticket sales.
It's not about the money. We just don't want him to get hurt.
Fine. 70% for you, 30% for me.
- You don't understand. - 90/10!
You're killing me here, kid!
Okay, I think you're drinking too much coffee, sir.
It's bad for your health.
Too much coffee is bad for your health?!
Listen, I promise Joao will go easy on your guy.
Then we can save your school. Do we have a deal?
Ok--
Oh, come on, man!
Sorry, I just really didn't expect you
to go with that last deal.
So it's like that, huh?
Look, sir,
it's not that we don't believe in you.
It's that we know you can't win.
Of course I can.
How? Show us.
How on Earth are you gonna hit this guy?
With my heart, like this!
Just leave me to it. And don't bother coming.
It's time.
Win. We believe in you.
Look, Mr Corneille. I --
Go get him.
Kids, thank you for believing in me
when I didn't even believe in myself.
And the reason I didn't believe in myself
was because I knew I was lying all along.
-Wait, what? -I'm not a fighter.
I just lied because I wanted to smooch the nurse.
But your black eye -- you said you got hurt in the cage.
When I said I walked into the cage
I meant I walked into the hamster cage.
I was trying to lick my elbow after hearing it was impossible.
You lied? Lies are only facts that haven't happened.
Are you insane?! Get out of the ring!
No. I may not have been a fighter when I started,
but I am now, thanks to your belief.
You saw what I did to that wall.
I got this.
Ready?
Was he talking about that wall the inmates dug a hole through?
Fight!
-Uh... -Uh...
Owwwwwww.
Well, on the plus side,
we still get the money to save the school.