1
00:00:01,645 --> 00:00:03,739
Good afternoon, Eleanor.
What can I get you today?

2
00:00:04,739 --> 00:00:06,772
Whoa. Lot of new flavors.

3
00:00:06,808 --> 00:00:08,408
Michael felt bad about the sinkhole,

4
00:00:08,443 --> 00:00:10,246
so he wanted to
give you all a little treat.

5
00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:13,348
I recommend "Full Cell Phone Battery."

6
00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:16,014
Whoa.

7
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:18,517
It somehow tastes how I felt
when my cell phone

8
00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,119
was fully charged.

9
00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:21,720
Oh, I'm so relaxed.

10
00:00:21,788 --> 00:00:23,155
But they all look good.

11
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,789
This might take me a while.

12
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:27,158
You know what, Gunnar, uh,
why don't you go ahead?

13
00:00:27,193 --> 00:00:28,626
- Thanks so much, Eleanor.
- Mm-hmm.

14
00:00:28,661 --> 00:00:30,361
- What can I get you, Gunnar?
- Hi, Janet.

15
00:00:30,396 --> 00:00:33,164
- Can I have some Folded Laundry?
- Coming up.

16
00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:43,673
Chidi!

17
00:00:43,708 --> 00:00:44,883
You'll never believe it.

18
00:00:44,908 --> 00:00:46,009
I was at the frozen yogurt place

19
00:00:46,044 --> 00:00:47,344
and I didn't know what I wanted,

20
00:00:47,379 --> 00:00:49,078
so I turned to the guy behind
me, and I was like,

21
00:00:49,148 --> 00:00:50,747
"Why don't you go ahead?"

22
00:00:50,815 --> 00:00:53,683
Just like that!
"Why don't you go ahead?"

23
00:00:53,718 --> 00:00:55,018
O-okay?

24
00:00:55,053 --> 00:00:56,419
Dude, you don't understand!

25
00:00:56,488 --> 00:00:58,721
I never did stuff like that
when I was on Earth.

26
00:00:58,757 --> 00:01:01,023
But now, thanks to your
"good person" lessons,

27
00:01:01,058 --> 00:01:02,391
I didn't hold up the line.

28
00:01:02,426 --> 00:01:05,194
I didn't even try a dozen
samples I didn't want

29
00:01:05,229 --> 00:01:07,563
just to spite some jerk who told
me I was holding up the line.

30
00:01:07,598 --> 00:01:08,625
You do that?

31
00:01:08,650 --> 00:01:11,367
No, Chidi, I used to do that.

32
00:01:11,402 --> 00:01:14,503
Now I do selfless things without
even thinking about it.

33
00:01:14,539 --> 00:01:15,571
That's great.

34
00:01:15,598 --> 00:01:17,564
I-I'm proud of you.

35
00:01:17,607 --> 00:01:18,839
So where's our yogurt?

36
00:01:18,875 --> 00:01:20,542
Ugh. I forgot it.

37
00:01:20,577 --> 00:01:22,910
Oh... Can you go?

38
00:01:22,935 --> 00:01:24,379
I don't want to go all the way back.

39
00:01:24,404 --> 00:01:27,448
I ran all the way here
and it was so hot.

40
00:01:28,216 --> 00:01:32,287
I mean, I will happily get it,
because I told you I would.

41
00:01:35,722 --> 00:01:36,853
Good person.

42
00:01:36,878 --> 00:01:41,942
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
Re-synced for WEB-DL by darthfrede
- www.addic7ed.com -

43
00:01:41,967 --> 00:01:43,659
_

44
00:01:43,684 --> 00:01:44,764
So, to sum up:

45
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,734
Utilitarianism posits
that the correct choice

46
00:01:47,769 --> 00:01:50,571
is the one that causes
the most good or pleasure,

47
00:01:50,606 --> 00:01:52,738
and the least pain and suffering.

48
00:01:52,773 --> 00:01:55,408
I like this one. It's simple.

49
00:01:55,443 --> 00:01:58,211
Ugh, screw all the other
complicated theories,

50
00:01:58,246 --> 00:01:59,478
why didn't you start with this one?

51
00:01:59,547 --> 00:02:00,879
Ah, but here's the problem.

52
00:02:00,915 --> 00:02:04,083
If all that matters is the
sum total of "goodness,"

53
00:02:04,118 --> 00:02:06,419
then you can justify
any number of bad actions,

54
00:02:06,454 --> 00:02:09,421
like torturing one innocent
person to save a hundred,

55
00:02:09,456 --> 00:02:10,655
or preemptive war...

56
00:02:10,724 --> 00:02:12,156
Oh, dip, I get it.

57
00:02:12,226 --> 00:02:14,092
It's like, I knew this girl Sheila?

58
00:02:14,127 --> 00:02:17,429
She was a black market alligator
dealer with a pierced jawbone.

59
00:02:17,464 --> 00:02:19,731
Um, okay, what?

60
00:02:19,766 --> 00:02:22,500
Sheila was gonna get married
to my boy, Donkey Doug

61
00:02:22,569 --> 00:02:24,502
and make him move to Sarasota.

62
00:02:24,571 --> 00:02:26,670
It would've broken up
my whole break dancing crew

63
00:02:26,739 --> 00:02:29,273
and Donkey Doug
was our best pop-and-locker.

64
00:02:29,308 --> 00:02:31,342
So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards

65
00:02:31,410 --> 00:02:33,810
in Sheila's garage and called the cops.

66
00:02:33,846 --> 00:02:36,280
I framed one innocent gator dealer

67
00:02:36,315 --> 00:02:38,915
to save a 60-person dance crew.

68
00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:42,152
Shockingly, that is a relevant example

69
00:02:42,187 --> 00:02:43,620
of the Utilitarian dilemma.

70
00:02:43,655 --> 00:02:45,421
- Well done.
- Thanks!

71
00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:47,590
Um...

72
00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,592
- Uh, yes, Jianyu?
- Can I be excused?

73
00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,761
Tahani's doing a brunch party
and I want to get there

74
00:02:51,796 --> 00:02:53,529
before all the mini-waffles run out.

75
00:02:53,598 --> 00:02:56,165
- Go ahead, man.
- Yes!

76
00:02:57,269 --> 00:03:00,369
So, you want to roll
right into another lesson?

77
00:03:00,437 --> 00:03:02,304
I am revved up to learn, man.

78
00:03:02,339 --> 00:03:03,672
My brain is horny!

79
00:03:03,707 --> 00:03:05,173
Um, can we take a little break?

80
00:03:05,208 --> 00:03:06,841
I've been standing at this
chalkboard all day.

81
00:03:06,877 --> 00:03:07,942
Oh, yeah, I get it.

82
00:03:07,978 --> 00:03:09,944
Oh, you could, um,
grade my paper I wrote

83
00:03:09,980 --> 00:03:11,647
on the concept of Dharma.

84
00:03:11,682 --> 00:03:14,483
Six pages, and I didn't even
do that thing

85
00:03:14,518 --> 00:03:17,151
where I try to make it longer by
starting every sentence with

86
00:03:17,186 --> 00:03:18,186
"Interestingly..."

87
00:03:18,220 --> 00:03:20,488
Sure, I'll do that and, uh...

88
00:03:20,523 --> 00:03:22,690
we can start another lesson.

89
00:03:26,896 --> 00:03:28,362
Ah, Tahani.

90
00:03:28,398 --> 00:03:31,532
I've been working on my Western
Hemisphere brunch banter.

91
00:03:31,567 --> 00:03:33,500
Tell me what you think.

92
00:03:33,535 --> 00:03:35,802
That "New Yorker" article was crazy.

93
00:03:35,837 --> 00:03:37,704
You haven't seen "Hamilton"?

94
00:03:37,739 --> 00:03:39,539
Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?

95
00:03:39,574 --> 00:03:42,342
- Very well done, Michael.
- Hi, there!

96
00:03:42,377 --> 00:03:47,180
We have a Category 55
Emergency Doomsday Crisis.

97
00:03:47,215 --> 00:03:50,337
A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?

98
00:03:50,362 --> 00:03:51,383
- Mm-hmm.
- Sorry,

99
00:03:51,419 --> 00:03:54,158
what is a Category 55
Emergency Doomsday Crisis?

100
00:03:54,183 --> 00:03:56,888
It's nothing, it's a tiny
little inconvenience.

101
00:03:56,924 --> 00:03:59,891
Tahani, dear, could you show us
to a private room

102
00:03:59,927 --> 00:04:02,528
where no one can see
or hear us, even if I yell

103
00:04:02,563 --> 00:04:05,230
very loudly out of fear?

104
00:04:09,936 --> 00:04:12,236
It appears that the sinkhole
is not repairing itself.

105
00:04:12,271 --> 00:04:14,439
This is very bad, Janet.

106
00:04:14,507 --> 00:04:17,375
We have to go into the
sinkhole and fix it by hand.

107
00:04:17,410 --> 00:04:18,576
Get the tools.

108
00:04:18,611 --> 00:04:20,602
Sorry, can I be of any service?

109
00:04:20,627 --> 00:04:22,010
- Ah, Tahani.
- _

110
00:04:22,035 --> 00:04:24,381
Didn't see you there. Uh, no, no.

111
00:04:24,416 --> 00:04:25,716
We're just having a slight problem

112
00:04:25,751 --> 00:04:28,429
with the enormous sinkhole.

113
00:04:28,454 --> 00:04:30,054
Yes, I meant to tell you...

114
00:04:30,079 --> 00:04:31,955
I walked past it last night and I...

115
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,492
I actually saw it
get a little bit bigger.

116
00:04:34,860 --> 00:04:36,025
It got bigger?

117
00:04:36,061 --> 00:04:38,595
Ah, well, that's... that's so normal.

118
00:04:38,630 --> 00:04:40,731
Um, this is the reaction
I have when things

119
00:04:40,766 --> 00:04:42,931
are incredibly mundane and expected.

120
00:04:42,967 --> 00:04:44,367
I'm gonna leave now...

121
00:04:44,402 --> 00:04:46,369
at my regular pace,

122
00:04:46,404 --> 00:04:49,304
as I do in most scenarios.

123
00:04:55,780 --> 00:04:57,446
Finally!

124
00:04:57,482 --> 00:04:59,280
Let's get back to it.

125
00:04:59,315 --> 00:05:01,162
Whip out that chalkboard,
big boy, show me

126
00:05:01,187 --> 00:05:02,450
what you're working with.

127
00:05:02,486 --> 00:05:05,787
Actually, I was going to head
into town and pick up some...

128
00:05:06,448 --> 00:05:07,514
blankets.

129
00:05:07,539 --> 00:05:08,990
Great, I'll grab my sweater.

130
00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:10,925
I can practice letting people
cut in front of me.

131
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,927
You know, uh, I just realized

132
00:05:12,962 --> 00:05:16,463
that I have blankets,
so I'm going to take a nap

133
00:05:16,499 --> 00:05:18,799
using the several blankets
that I already have.

134
00:05:18,834 --> 00:05:20,066
Good night.

135
00:05:20,102 --> 00:05:21,769
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

136
00:05:21,804 --> 00:05:23,470
What's wrong? Out with it.

137
00:05:23,506 --> 00:05:25,839
I'm just tired, need a break.
No big deal.

138
00:05:26,003 --> 00:05:27,674
The way you're talking to me right now?

139
00:05:27,743 --> 00:05:30,869
"Everything's cool, no big
deal"... I know that move.

140
00:05:30,894 --> 00:05:33,345
When I told a boyfriend
something was "no big deal,"

141
00:05:33,415 --> 00:05:36,449
it meant anything from "I just
bought weed from your nephew,"

142
00:05:36,484 --> 00:05:39,018
to "I secretly befriended your
ex-girlfriend last year,

143
00:05:39,086 --> 00:05:41,086
things got out of hand,
and now I'm her bridesmaid."

144
00:05:41,122 --> 00:05:42,488
Wow.

145
00:05:42,524 --> 00:05:45,426
Okay, well, in this case,
it really is no big deal.

146
00:05:45,451 --> 00:05:47,026
Dude, you're hiding something!

147
00:05:47,094 --> 00:05:49,761
- What's wrong?
- Nothing!

148
00:05:50,428 --> 00:05:53,799
What... is...

149
00:05:53,834 --> 00:05:55,834
wrong?

150
00:06:00,790 --> 00:06:02,579
_

151
00:06:04,411 --> 00:06:05,911
Jianyu second.

152
00:06:05,979 --> 00:06:09,012
Oh, well done, my love.

153
00:06:09,048 --> 00:06:11,063
So where am I?

154
00:06:11,088 --> 00:06:12,588
Eleanor... 6th?

155
00:06:12,774 --> 00:06:14,384
Come on.

156
00:06:23,062 --> 00:06:24,360
Oh, no.

157
00:06:24,395 --> 00:06:27,530
I'm second to last.

158
00:06:27,566 --> 00:06:29,365
Mummy, I made you this.

159
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,734
It's the pretty bird
we saw in the garden.

160
00:06:31,770 --> 00:06:34,871
Thank you, Tahani. It's very competent.

161
00:06:34,906 --> 00:06:36,906
I made a bird, as well.

162
00:06:36,942 --> 00:06:41,042
I worked in a reflective alloy,
holding up a mirror to mankind

163
00:06:41,078 --> 00:06:43,712
and its mistreatment of these
defenseless animals.

164
00:06:43,747 --> 00:06:45,547
Excellent, Kamilah.

165
00:06:45,583 --> 00:06:48,917
I sense the influence of
Brancusi and Kapoor.

166
00:06:48,953 --> 00:06:51,052
It seems you're moving out of
your structural period,

167
00:06:51,088 --> 00:06:53,054
and more into conceptual abstraction.

168
00:06:53,090 --> 00:06:54,389
Good eye, Mother.

169
00:06:54,424 --> 00:06:56,625
I grew tired of
objective representation.

170
00:06:56,694 --> 00:06:58,860
I trust my audience.

171
00:06:58,895 --> 00:07:00,398
My birdie has a hat.

172
00:07:00,423 --> 00:07:02,296
Yes, well done, Tahani.

173
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,193
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.

174
00:07:05,218 --> 00:07:06,445
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.

175
00:07:06,470 --> 00:07:07,984
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.

176
00:07:08,009 --> 00:07:09,359
- Would you stop doing that?
- What's wrong?

177
00:07:09,384 --> 00:07:10,746
- Okay, fine!
- What's wrong?

178
00:07:10,773 --> 00:07:11,906
You want to know what's wrong?

179
00:07:11,941 --> 00:07:13,898
You are a full-time job.

180
00:07:13,923 --> 00:07:15,507
I wake up, there's Eleanor.

181
00:07:15,532 --> 00:07:17,491
I spend all day teaching Eleanor.

182
00:07:17,516 --> 00:07:19,257
And then it's, "Good night, Eleanor."

183
00:07:19,282 --> 00:07:21,581
Oh, this is a nice dream,
my grandma's here.

184
00:07:21,617 --> 00:07:23,049
Wait, she's got Eleanor's face!

185
00:07:23,084 --> 00:07:24,918
And tentacles for some reason.

186
00:07:24,953 --> 00:07:27,086
I thought you liked teaching me.

187
00:07:27,122 --> 00:07:29,556
So now I'm just
some huge burden for you?

188
00:07:29,591 --> 00:07:30,557
Yes!

189
00:07:30,592 --> 00:07:31,557
Of course you are!

190
00:07:31,592 --> 00:07:32,925
I am in paradise!

191
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,727
I should be doing paradise things,

192
00:07:34,762 --> 00:07:37,162
like rowing out on a lake
with a good bottle of wine,

193
00:07:37,231 --> 00:07:38,497
reading French poetry.

194
00:07:38,566 --> 00:07:40,766
That's your idea of paradise?

195
00:07:40,801 --> 00:07:43,101
You know, and I can't stop helping you,

196
00:07:43,137 --> 00:07:45,738
because then I am
shirking my ethical duty.

197
00:07:45,773 --> 00:07:47,139
It's an impossible position!

198
00:07:47,174 --> 00:07:49,140
You know what, if you're so
stressed from writing

199
00:07:49,175 --> 00:07:51,242
on a chalkboard,
why don't you just leave?

200
00:07:51,277 --> 00:07:52,944
We can pretend to be
soul mates in public,

201
00:07:52,979 --> 00:07:54,946
but other than that, we don't
have to see each other!

202
00:07:54,981 --> 00:07:56,543
Fine with me! I'll move out right now.

203
00:07:56,568 --> 00:07:57,582
Fine!

204
00:07:58,752 --> 00:08:00,184
Good afternoon.

205
00:08:00,253 --> 00:08:02,486
As you all may remember,
a sinkhole recently

206
00:08:02,522 --> 00:08:04,522
opened up in the town center.

207
00:08:04,591 --> 00:08:06,990
The situation, sadly, has worsened.

208
00:08:07,026 --> 00:08:09,192
Starting right now,
no one may go outside

209
00:08:09,261 --> 00:08:11,628
under any circumstances.

210
00:08:11,664 --> 00:08:15,131
Leaving your homes could result
in catastrophic damage,

211
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:17,968
to you and to the very fabric
of the universe.

212
00:08:18,353 --> 00:08:20,486
Okay, bye.

213
00:08:20,780 --> 00:08:22,813
Or we could both just stay here.

214
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:28,776
We hope you enjoy your
eternal stay in the Good Place.

215
00:08:29,066 --> 00:08:32,184
Take advantage of our day spa,
or Janet...

216
00:08:32,504 --> 00:08:35,738
a magical assistant who can get
you whatever you want.

217
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:37,340
You mind turning that off?

218
00:08:37,345 --> 00:08:39,144
It's been playing
on a loop for two days.

219
00:08:39,184 --> 00:08:41,651
The whole Neighborhood is offline.

220
00:08:41,686 --> 00:08:43,553
We only get the welcome channel.

221
00:08:43,622 --> 00:08:46,393
I would love to not watch TV,

222
00:08:46,418 --> 00:08:48,533
but you canceled school.

223
00:08:49,637 --> 00:08:52,221
What have you done to me, you monster?

224
00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,797
Look at all these dishes piling up.

225
00:08:54,833 --> 00:08:56,550
I used to just throw them in the sink,

226
00:08:56,575 --> 00:08:58,901
and they'd be magically
cleaned by morning.

227
00:08:58,918 --> 00:09:00,486
I did that. I cleaned the dishes.

228
00:09:00,511 --> 00:09:01,785
Oh.

229
00:09:01,820 --> 00:09:03,322
Then what's up with these bad boys?

230
00:09:03,347 --> 00:09:06,323
You are unbelievable.

231
00:09:06,358 --> 00:09:07,657
Are you still upset?

232
00:09:07,692 --> 00:09:09,293
- You're not over it yet?
- How can I be over it?

233
00:09:09,328 --> 00:09:12,129
We haven't discussed it
or even spoken for days.

234
00:09:12,164 --> 00:09:14,463
Well, it sounds like you've
had a really nice "vacation"

235
00:09:14,498 --> 00:09:16,132
from your "full-time job."

236
00:09:16,167 --> 00:09:17,546
Get your story straight, bro!

237
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:20,958
Hey, guys, it's Michael.

238
00:09:21,844 --> 00:09:24,067
Hi, Michael, what a lovely surprise.

239
00:09:24,092 --> 00:09:26,976
Oh, I'd love to make small
talk... I've been practicing, too.

240
00:09:27,011 --> 00:09:29,312
I'm amazing at it... but I'm in
a bit of a rush here.

241
00:09:29,347 --> 00:09:31,146
This is Bart and Nina.

242
00:09:31,181 --> 00:09:34,015
They live right next door
to the, uh, sinkhole,

243
00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:36,384
so they obviously need a place to stay.

244
00:09:36,453 --> 00:09:38,320
I was wondering, as my
assistant, maybe you could

245
00:09:38,355 --> 00:09:39,854
put them up for a while?

246
00:09:39,889 --> 00:09:41,189
Oh, of course.

247
00:09:41,224 --> 00:09:42,290
Don't... don't think twice.

248
00:09:42,326 --> 00:09:43,491
Okay, shouldn't take long.

249
00:09:43,526 --> 00:09:45,493
Between an hour and, um...

250
00:09:45,528 --> 00:09:46,494
11 months.

251
00:09:46,529 --> 00:09:48,862
Somewhere in there. Okay, bye.

252
00:09:50,032 --> 00:09:51,498
Don't go outside.

253
00:09:53,869 --> 00:09:54,869
Ha...

254
00:09:59,575 --> 00:10:02,309
Hello, everyone,
and welcome to day three

255
00:10:02,345 --> 00:10:03,910
of our brunch siege.

256
00:10:03,979 --> 00:10:07,913
I stayed up all night to plan
a full day of fun activities.

257
00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:10,149
Just check the schedule I made.

258
00:10:10,185 --> 00:10:12,418
Tahani, you are truly the best.

259
00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:15,888
Yes, you would think so,
wouldn't you, Henriette?

260
00:10:18,593 --> 00:10:20,683
Still second to last.

261
00:10:26,333 --> 00:10:27,699
Tahani!

262
00:10:27,734 --> 00:10:31,370
This auction threatens to be
an embarrassing failure.

263
00:10:31,405 --> 00:10:34,039
5.2 million isn't bad.

264
00:10:34,074 --> 00:10:36,208
It's very "middle-thermometer."

265
00:10:36,243 --> 00:10:40,944
Your public failure
is our public failure.

266
00:10:41,014 --> 00:10:43,347
You know what has to be done.

267
00:10:43,383 --> 00:10:45,916
I'm very pleased to announce
that there has been

268
00:10:45,951 --> 00:10:48,919
an addition to today's docket.

269
00:10:48,954 --> 00:10:52,223
I'm sure you all know
my sister, Kamilah.

270
00:10:54,927 --> 00:10:56,626
Yes. Kamilah.

271
00:10:56,694 --> 00:10:59,062
Kamilah, of course,
is the youngest person ever

272
00:10:59,097 --> 00:11:01,031
to graduate from Oxford University,

273
00:11:01,066 --> 00:11:04,934
she's a world-class painter,
social activist, iconoclast,

274
00:11:04,969 --> 00:11:08,405
Olympic gold medalist for archery,

275
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:11,241
a BAFTA Award-winner for her documentary

276
00:11:11,276 --> 00:11:13,475
on her Grammy Award-winning album,

277
00:11:13,544 --> 00:11:17,712
and the person voted
"Most Likely to be Banksy."

278
00:11:17,748 --> 00:11:20,449
So without further ado,

279
00:11:20,484 --> 00:11:22,084
take it away from me!

280
00:11:22,119 --> 00:11:24,920
Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah.

281
00:11:28,392 --> 00:11:30,739
I am auctioning off
a lunch date with me.

282
00:11:31,850 --> 00:11:35,263
The bidding shall commence
at ã3 million.

283
00:11:37,132 --> 00:11:38,332
5 million!

284
00:11:45,675 --> 00:11:47,640
Thank you guys so much.

285
00:11:47,676 --> 00:11:50,643
- Sorry for the imposition.
- Oh, bah.

286
00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:52,345
Oh, well, if you want to know the truth,

287
00:11:52,414 --> 00:11:54,147
we asked Michael
if we could stay with you.

288
00:11:54,183 --> 00:11:56,416
We are obsessed with your relationship.

289
00:11:56,452 --> 00:11:59,419
Always whispering, locking
yourself in the house all day.

290
00:11:59,455 --> 00:12:02,322
I thought I was an expert in
true love 'cause of my old job,

291
00:12:02,357 --> 00:12:04,756
but I have a lot to learn from you guys.

292
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:06,459
Your job? What was your job?

293
00:12:06,494 --> 00:12:07,960
I was a marriage counselor.

294
00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:11,029
You could say I wrote the book
on healthy relationships.

295
00:12:11,099 --> 00:12:12,198
And I did!

296
00:12:13,601 --> 00:12:16,202
It's called, "How to Spot
Problems in a Marriage

297
00:12:16,270 --> 00:12:17,669
From 100 Miles Away."

298
00:12:17,705 --> 00:12:19,138
Oh, cool.

299
00:12:19,173 --> 00:12:20,371
- Really cool.
- Cool.

300
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:21,973
- Really, really cool.
- Cool, cool.

301
00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:23,274
And what about you, Bart?

302
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,643
Oh, well, my job wasn't nearly
as interesting.

303
00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:28,279
I started a company that
investigated identity theft.

304
00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,548
Analyzing body language,
tracking and catching people

305
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:32,183
pretending to be someone they're not.

306
00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:34,285
It's... pssh, snooze, am I right?

307
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:37,554
They're gonna catch us!

308
00:12:37,623 --> 00:12:40,056
This is an extremely
precarious situation!

309
00:12:40,126 --> 00:12:41,492
I am vexed, Eleanor!

310
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:43,727
A marriage counselor
and a human lie detector

311
00:12:43,795 --> 00:12:46,163
isn't my first choice
for company, either.

312
00:12:46,198 --> 00:12:48,665
But they have no reason to suspect us!

313
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:52,503
Plus, I think they may have
actually just come here

314
00:12:52,538 --> 00:12:55,804
to, you know, swing.

315
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,340
I say we do it.

316
00:12:57,375 --> 00:12:58,807
It'll get 'em to stop asking questions.

317
00:12:58,843 --> 00:13:01,344
No, I am not going to
have sex with someone

318
00:13:01,379 --> 00:13:03,346
to get them to stop talking to me!

319
00:13:03,381 --> 00:13:05,515
Really? You and I are very different.

320
00:13:05,550 --> 00:13:06,749
Yeah, I noticed!

321
00:13:06,817 --> 00:13:08,184
You know what, man?

322
00:13:08,219 --> 00:13:10,082
I have spent every second in this place

323
00:13:10,107 --> 00:13:11,186
worried I was gonna get caught,

324
00:13:11,221 --> 00:13:12,687
but if we go down right now,

325
00:13:12,722 --> 00:13:14,256
that's on you, okay?

326
00:13:14,324 --> 00:13:16,224
Oh, you spend all your time teaching a

327
00:13:16,260 --> 00:13:17,526
charming, awesome lady?

328
00:13:17,561 --> 00:13:20,094
How sad for you. Face it, dude.

329
00:13:20,164 --> 00:13:21,696
I'm the best thing
that ever happened to you.

330
00:13:21,731 --> 00:13:23,498
Because guess what, Chidi?

331
00:13:23,534 --> 00:13:26,501
- Ya basic!
- Eleanor...

332
00:13:26,537 --> 00:13:28,537
Yeah, I know, you want to do
that thing where we're

333
00:13:28,571 --> 00:13:30,538
arguing and fighting,
but then suddenly it's like,

334
00:13:30,573 --> 00:13:32,573
"Whoa, this is hot,"
and we start making out.

335
00:13:32,608 --> 00:13:33,740
Dream on!

336
00:13:33,776 --> 00:13:35,342
Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it.

337
00:13:35,378 --> 00:13:36,743
No, Eleanor, look.

338
00:13:43,677 --> 00:13:45,832
So how much of that did you hear?

339
00:13:45,857 --> 00:13:47,583
We couldn't hear you,
but I'm an expert in

340
00:13:47,608 --> 00:13:49,592
non-verbal communication,
and it is clear...

341
00:13:49,628 --> 00:13:51,094
you are in conflict.

342
00:13:51,129 --> 00:13:52,461
We're not judging you.

343
00:13:52,497 --> 00:13:54,196
This has been a tough couple of weeks.

344
00:13:54,265 --> 00:13:56,966
I'm sure the stress of the
sinkhole has caused

345
00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:58,668
lots of soul mate squabbles.

346
00:13:58,703 --> 00:14:00,770
Yes, that's what it is.

347
00:14:00,805 --> 00:14:01,871
A squabble.

348
00:14:01,940 --> 00:14:03,605
- We're squabbling.
- Squabble, squabble!

349
00:14:03,641 --> 00:14:04,841
I can help.

350
00:14:04,866 --> 00:14:08,043
I'm gonna take your relationship
and put it under a microscope

351
00:14:08,112 --> 00:14:11,146
and dig and poke and prod

352
00:14:11,181 --> 00:14:14,049
until you are back to soul mate harmony.

353
00:14:14,118 --> 00:14:15,617
Eleanor, why don't you...

354
00:14:15,653 --> 00:14:18,854
She never does the dishes.
I have to do them all the time.

355
00:14:18,889 --> 00:14:21,022
We just have different interests.

356
00:14:21,057 --> 00:14:23,824
I like relaxing, he likes
getting on my case

357
00:14:23,860 --> 00:14:24,892
about the dishes.

358
00:14:24,927 --> 00:14:26,827
I'm getting a lot of repressed anger.

359
00:14:26,863 --> 00:14:29,229
I suspected this when I arrived,
but now I'm sure.

360
00:14:29,265 --> 00:14:33,267
- You are hiding something.
- What on earth would I be...

361
00:14:33,335 --> 00:14:35,269
No, no, no, not you.

362
00:14:35,337 --> 00:14:38,204
Him.

363
00:14:39,741 --> 00:14:41,240
Please go back inside.

364
00:14:41,276 --> 00:14:43,943
It isn't safe to be out of your home.

365
00:14:44,012 --> 00:14:45,679
Please go back inside.

366
00:14:45,714 --> 00:14:47,613
Janet, could you see what's wrong?

367
00:14:47,683 --> 00:14:49,182
Everything.

368
00:14:49,217 --> 00:14:50,917
Ugh.

369
00:14:52,353 --> 00:14:53,619
My goodness!

370
00:14:53,688 --> 00:14:54,787
It's even worse than I thought.

371
00:14:54,855 --> 00:14:56,135
Tahani, what're you doing here?

372
00:14:56,190 --> 00:14:58,190
Well, everyone else might be
okay staying inside,

373
00:14:58,225 --> 00:14:59,758
but I wanted to help.

374
00:14:59,794 --> 00:15:02,127
So I've brought some cheer
and sustenance

375
00:15:02,196 --> 00:15:03,261
to raise your spirits.

376
00:15:03,297 --> 00:15:05,097
Look, I made donut holes.

377
00:15:05,132 --> 00:15:07,199
Do you get it? "Donut holes"?

378
00:15:07,234 --> 00:15:08,867
Sinkhole.

379
00:15:08,903 --> 00:15:10,768
- Funny, no?
- No, too soon.

380
00:15:10,804 --> 00:15:12,570
By exactly nine days.

381
00:15:12,605 --> 00:15:15,740
Tahani, this sinkhole
is incredibly dangerous.

382
00:15:15,775 --> 00:15:17,208
If a human gets too close to it,

383
00:15:17,243 --> 00:15:19,243
there could be disastrous side effects.

384
00:15:20,914 --> 00:15:22,814
What's... what's happening to me?

385
00:15:22,882 --> 00:15:24,248
Oh, that's one of the side effects.

386
00:15:24,283 --> 00:15:26,751
Janet, knock her out
while we still have time.

387
00:15:26,786 --> 00:15:28,118
Knock me out? What does that...

388
00:15:28,153 --> 00:15:29,586
Boop.

389
00:15:32,518 --> 00:15:35,158
Guys, really, it's no big deal.

390
00:15:35,227 --> 00:15:38,128
"It's not a big deal"
is nearly always code

391
00:15:38,163 --> 00:15:40,130
for "something is wrong."

392
00:15:40,165 --> 00:15:42,058
Boom! That's what I said.

393
00:15:42,083 --> 00:15:43,572
I should've been a marriage counselor.

394
00:15:43,597 --> 00:15:45,613
Okay, Chidi, out with it.

395
00:15:45,638 --> 00:15:48,751
What is so unsatisfying about
your soul mate relationship?

396
00:15:48,776 --> 00:15:50,391
Be honest, Chidi.

397
00:15:50,416 --> 00:15:54,954
Be, like, the exact
right amount of honest

398
00:15:54,979 --> 00:15:57,542
so that we can both be happy.

399
00:15:58,839 --> 00:16:02,183
I never had a soul mate on earth.

400
00:16:02,218 --> 00:16:04,919
I-I never even really had

401
00:16:04,988 --> 00:16:08,089
a girlfriend that I "loved."

402
00:16:08,158 --> 00:16:10,018
And when I got here,
and Michael said I would

403
00:16:10,043 --> 00:16:12,409
finally meet my actual soul mate,

404
00:16:12,433 --> 00:16:13,866
I was so excited.

405
00:16:13,902 --> 00:16:15,487
And it isn't...

406
00:16:16,738 --> 00:16:19,987
exactly... what I thought.

407
00:16:20,573 --> 00:16:23,474
You've never had
an intense relationship before.

408
00:16:23,544 --> 00:16:25,877
This is all uncharted territory.

409
00:16:25,913 --> 00:16:28,713
No wonder you're so tense.

410
00:16:28,749 --> 00:16:33,051
You know, Nina and I are skilled
in the art of massage.

411
00:16:33,086 --> 00:16:35,086
Uh, not erotic massage.

412
00:16:35,121 --> 00:16:37,487
Although, it can be, and it
often leads there, anyway...

413
00:16:37,557 --> 00:16:39,456
Okay, well, you know what?

414
00:16:39,491 --> 00:16:42,170
You guys have given us
so much to think about.

415
00:16:42,195 --> 00:16:43,428
And I think we should go to bed.

416
00:16:43,453 --> 00:16:45,756
Just the two of us, alone. Just us.

417
00:16:45,781 --> 00:16:47,867
I know it's not
the right time, but I told you.

418
00:16:49,516 --> 00:16:51,548
Tahani, wake up, dear.

419
00:16:51,584 --> 00:16:53,235
Michael.

420
00:16:54,032 --> 00:16:55,486
Did it work?

421
00:16:55,521 --> 00:16:58,256
Did I fix the sinkhole? Am I a heroine?

422
00:16:58,324 --> 00:17:01,337
No, you did something
catastrophically stupid

423
00:17:01,362 --> 00:17:02,986
and we had to knock you unconscious.

424
00:17:03,011 --> 00:17:05,612
Why in the world did you go outside?

425
00:17:05,639 --> 00:17:08,639
Because I saw the rankings
in the manual.

426
00:17:08,675 --> 00:17:10,942
That manual is only meant to be seen by

427
00:17:10,977 --> 00:17:12,610
Architects and Janets.

428
00:17:12,645 --> 00:17:15,050
It's got some very sensitive material.

429
00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:17,426
Plus some song lyrics
I've been working on,

430
00:17:17,451 --> 00:17:19,081
and I'd rather not let people see those

431
00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:20,386
until they're finished.

432
00:17:21,521 --> 00:17:25,889
Anyway, why did seeing the
rankings unravel you so?

433
00:17:27,993 --> 00:17:31,705
I was so sorry to hear
of your parents' passing.

434
00:17:31,730 --> 00:17:35,031
Please bear with me as I share
their last will and testament.

435
00:17:35,066 --> 00:17:37,768
"To Kamilah, we have left ã68 million,

436
00:17:37,836 --> 00:17:40,337
"the home in Kensington, the yacht,

437
00:17:40,372 --> 00:17:42,905
and other assorted weekend boats."

438
00:17:42,940 --> 00:17:45,886
Well, what did they leave
their second favorite child?

439
00:17:45,911 --> 00:17:47,876
There's still quite a lot of money

440
00:17:47,912 --> 00:17:49,839
and property that goes to you.

441
00:17:49,864 --> 00:17:52,114
There is one issue, however.

442
00:17:52,149 --> 00:17:55,685
They have, um, spelled your
name incorrectly in the will.

443
00:17:55,753 --> 00:17:57,152
You've got to be kidding me.

444
00:17:57,188 --> 00:18:00,922
It says, "We bequeath the rest
of our estate to Tahini."

445
00:18:00,957 --> 00:18:02,123
Like the sauce.

446
00:18:02,158 --> 00:18:03,692
You know what?

447
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:04,992
I don't want the money.

448
00:18:05,028 --> 00:18:07,696
My sister can have it all.

449
00:18:07,764 --> 00:18:11,032
My whole life,
I have lived in your shadow,

450
00:18:11,101 --> 00:18:13,360
but now I'm going to step out of it.

451
00:18:13,385 --> 00:18:17,086
I am going to reach heights of
success and sophistication

452
00:18:17,111 --> 00:18:18,711
that you can only dream of.

453
00:18:18,736 --> 00:18:20,313
Your cardigan's on inside out.

454
00:18:20,338 --> 00:18:21,842
I know!

455
00:18:21,877 --> 00:18:24,778
It's a new trend that I am starting.

456
00:18:24,813 --> 00:18:26,280
Just one example of how I'm going to

457
00:18:26,315 --> 00:18:27,814
step out of your shadow.

458
00:18:30,247 --> 00:18:33,082
Oh, I'm sorry that I looked at
the rankings, Michael.

459
00:18:33,122 --> 00:18:36,122
But I just don't understand
how I'm so low.

460
00:18:36,191 --> 00:18:39,422
My entire life, I have tried
to be extraordinary,

461
00:18:39,447 --> 00:18:41,103
but it just never seemed to be enough.

462
00:18:41,392 --> 00:18:42,704
Ah.

463
00:18:42,729 --> 00:18:45,064
And you thought you could
increase your ranking

464
00:18:45,099 --> 00:18:48,535
by helping us fix the sinkhole.

465
00:18:48,570 --> 00:18:53,038
Tahani, the point evaluations
stop the moment you die.

466
00:18:53,073 --> 00:18:56,808
But also, out of literally billions,

467
00:18:56,877 --> 00:19:00,979
you were one of the most
remarkable people on Earth.

468
00:19:01,048 --> 00:19:04,749
You have nothing left to prove,
to anyone.

469
00:19:05,413 --> 00:19:06,779
Hi, there.

470
00:19:06,804 --> 00:19:08,886
The sinkhole has begun to repair itself.

471
00:19:08,921 --> 00:19:10,421
It has?

472
00:19:10,446 --> 00:19:11,528
- Could it be...
- But how...

473
00:19:11,553 --> 00:19:12,525
Did I...?

474
00:19:12,550 --> 00:19:14,793
- "Tahani saves the un..."
- No, no, no.

475
00:19:14,827 --> 00:19:16,481
Still not you.
You have nothing to do with it.

476
00:19:16,506 --> 00:19:17,961
We've got to leave immediately.

477
00:19:19,098 --> 00:19:21,020
It's now safe to go outside.

478
00:19:22,434 --> 00:19:24,238
It's now safe to go outside.

479
00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:25,629
_

480
00:19:25,654 --> 00:19:27,568
It's now safe to go outside.

481
00:19:29,808 --> 00:19:32,141
- Morning, teach!
- Morning.

482
00:19:32,177 --> 00:19:33,943
What's this about?

483
00:19:33,978 --> 00:19:35,645
Well, here's what I realized.

484
00:19:35,681 --> 00:19:38,114
It's not just that helping me
is a full-time job

485
00:19:38,149 --> 00:19:40,584
that you feel you have to do.

486
00:19:40,619 --> 00:19:43,118
The real problem is,
that the more you help me,

487
00:19:43,153 --> 00:19:45,688
the greater the chance is
that I can stay here,

488
00:19:45,756 --> 00:19:47,789
and me staying here means

489
00:19:47,825 --> 00:19:50,859
you'll never get a real soul mate.

490
00:19:50,928 --> 00:19:54,113
I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare.

491
00:19:54,138 --> 00:19:57,266
Every ounce of my happiness
leads to a ton of pain for you.

492
00:19:57,301 --> 00:20:01,001
So every time the simple fact
of my existence

493
00:20:01,037 --> 00:20:03,134
starts to bum you out,

494
00:20:04,006 --> 00:20:05,946
I want you to hold this up.

495
00:20:05,970 --> 00:20:06,970
_

496
00:20:07,658 --> 00:20:10,344
At which point, I will leave you alone

497
00:20:10,813 --> 00:20:12,146
for as long as you need.

498
00:20:12,181 --> 00:20:16,617
I know we'll never be soul
mates, but we're friends.

499
00:20:16,652 --> 00:20:19,853
Now get in this boat and read
some boring French poetry.

500
00:20:30,699 --> 00:20:32,732
I... I've never actually
done this before.

501
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,567
This is a theoretical fantasy.

502
00:20:34,917 --> 00:20:36,482
How do you row a boat?

503
00:20:37,305 --> 00:20:38,638
I'll tell ya, it's good as new.

504
00:20:38,673 --> 00:20:40,005
Go ahead, if you want, just... here.

505
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,140
Whoo! See?

506
00:20:41,175 --> 00:20:42,308
You can jump up and down on it.

507
00:20:42,343 --> 00:20:44,744
Hey, boss. So you fixed the sinkhole.

508
00:20:44,812 --> 00:20:47,079
Yup, good as new. Crisis averted.

509
00:20:47,148 --> 00:20:48,581
Everybody have a wonderful day,

510
00:20:48,650 --> 00:20:51,082
because I fixed the sinkhole.

511
00:20:51,151 --> 00:20:53,585
- I didn't fix the sinkhole.
- Sorry?

512
00:20:53,654 --> 00:20:55,887
I tried and I tried, but nothing worked.

513
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:57,188
And then all of a sudden...

514
00:20:57,223 --> 00:20:59,190
this morning, out of the blue,
it just... whoop!

515
00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:01,893
It just closed over.

516
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,595
Huh.

517
00:21:03,664 --> 00:21:05,263
How 'bout that?

518
00:21:05,332 --> 00:21:07,030
Well, as your assistant,

519
00:21:07,065 --> 00:21:09,277
I officially declare this good news.

520
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:11,835
No, this is terrible news!

521
00:21:11,870 --> 00:21:14,271
I have no idea what caused it, Eleanor.

522
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:16,707
And no idea what fixed it.

523
00:21:16,742 --> 00:21:19,876
I want you to come to my office
first thing in the morning.

524
00:21:19,911 --> 00:21:23,657
You and I are gonna find this problem.

525
00:21:23,682 --> 00:21:28,682
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
Re-synced for WEB-DL by darthfrede
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