1
00:00:02,747 --> 00:00:04,565
_
2
00:00:07,302 --> 00:00:09,436
Eleanor, come on in.
3
00:00:10,939 --> 00:00:12,640
Well, not often you get to confront
4
00:00:12,674 --> 00:00:15,109
your greatest failure face-to-face.
5
00:00:15,143 --> 00:00:16,343
Good to see you, too, bud.
6
00:00:16,411 --> 00:00:18,912
I am just dumbfounded
as to how this happened.
7
00:00:18,947 --> 00:00:22,283
Our system has never
made a mistake before...
8
00:00:22,317 --> 00:00:23,784
It's just not possible.
9
00:00:23,818 --> 00:00:25,786
And yet, here we are.
10
00:00:25,820 --> 00:00:28,856
First things first,
11
00:00:28,923 --> 00:00:29,957
who are you?
12
00:00:29,991 --> 00:00:32,126
Well, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop,
13
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:33,927
and some of the info you had was right.
14
00:00:33,962 --> 00:00:37,197
I mean, "flattened by boner pill truck
15
00:00:37,265 --> 00:00:40,167
after dropping margarita mix
in grocery store parking lot,"
16
00:00:40,201 --> 00:00:41,769
that's a very me way to die.
17
00:00:41,803 --> 00:00:44,638
But all the other info was wrong.
18
00:00:44,673 --> 00:00:47,675
In my defense, when I first
arrived, and you said,
19
00:00:47,709 --> 00:00:49,343
"You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead,
20
00:00:49,377 --> 00:00:52,446
and you're in the Good Place,"
I had no reason to think
21
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:53,514
that was a mistake.
22
00:00:53,548 --> 00:00:55,616
Location and date of birth, please.
23
00:00:55,650 --> 00:00:59,486
Phoenix, Arizona, October 14, 1986.
24
00:00:59,521 --> 00:01:01,522
So sorry, that's what
I used to tell people
25
00:01:01,556 --> 00:01:03,557
when I lied about my age.
26
00:01:03,625 --> 00:01:06,393
I was born in 1982.
27
00:01:06,461 --> 00:01:09,730
You lied so much,
you forgot your own birthday.
28
00:01:09,798 --> 00:01:10,964
Not a great start,
29
00:01:10,999 --> 00:01:14,501
but it should be enough
for Janet to locate your file.
30
00:01:14,536 --> 00:01:17,237
Janet?
31
00:01:17,305 --> 00:01:19,740
- Janet...
- What's that?
32
00:01:19,808 --> 00:01:20,741
What's that?
33
00:01:20,809 --> 00:01:22,509
What's this?
34
00:01:23,912 --> 00:01:26,480
Her memory's still being
rebooted because,
35
00:01:26,514 --> 00:01:28,816
oh, you know, someone murdered her.
36
00:01:28,850 --> 00:01:31,168
Janet, could you please
locate the file for
37
00:01:31,207 --> 00:01:33,019
an Eleanor Shellstrop, born in...
38
00:01:33,066 --> 00:01:35,168
- 1982?
- Yes.
39
00:01:35,207 --> 00:01:37,391
Phoenix, Arizona, USA.
40
00:01:37,425 --> 00:01:38,892
Sure.
41
00:01:38,927 --> 00:01:40,494
Anything else?
42
00:01:40,528 --> 00:01:42,830
No, Janet, this is actually a cactus.
43
00:01:45,567 --> 00:01:46,834
This might take a while.
44
00:01:46,868 --> 00:01:48,202
Whee!
45
00:01:48,236 --> 00:01:53,335
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
46
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,497
_
47
00:01:55,522 --> 00:01:57,878
Since Janet can't retrieve your file,
48
00:01:57,912 --> 00:01:59,546
I need to find another way
49
00:01:59,581 --> 00:02:02,416
to determine what kind
of person you were.
50
00:02:02,450 --> 00:02:05,419
This is a quick litmus test.
51
00:02:05,453 --> 00:02:07,588
Handful of questions designed to tell
52
00:02:07,622 --> 00:02:09,890
whether you are
fundamentally good or bad.
53
00:02:09,924 --> 00:02:11,892
Question number one: Did you ever commit
54
00:02:11,926 --> 00:02:14,561
a serious crime, such as murder,
55
00:02:14,596 --> 00:02:17,765
sexual harassment, arson, or otherwise?
56
00:02:17,799 --> 00:02:18,866
No.
57
00:02:20,702 --> 00:02:22,703
Did you ever have
a vanity license plate,
58
00:02:22,737 --> 00:02:27,241
like "MAMASBMW,"
"LEXUS4LIZ," or "BOOBGUY"?
59
00:02:27,275 --> 00:02:28,030
No.
60
00:02:28,055 --> 00:02:30,544
Did you ever reheat fish
in an office microwave?
61
00:02:30,578 --> 00:02:31,578
Ew, no.
62
00:02:31,613 --> 00:02:32,646
Have you ever paid money
63
00:02:32,714 --> 00:02:34,047
to hear music performed by
64
00:02:34,082 --> 00:02:36,984
California funk rock band
"The Red Hot Chili Peppers"?
65
00:02:37,051 --> 00:02:39,286
No.
66
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:40,988
Did you ever take off
your shoes and socks
67
00:02:41,055 --> 00:02:42,423
on a commercial airline?
68
00:02:42,457 --> 00:02:43,457
And socks?
69
00:02:43,491 --> 00:02:46,059
Ew, who would do that?
70
00:02:46,094 --> 00:02:49,897
People who go to the Bad Place,
Eleanor, that's the point.
71
00:02:49,931 --> 00:02:51,932
And unless I can figure out
a compelling reason
72
00:02:51,966 --> 00:02:55,269
to keep you here,
you will spend eternity
73
00:02:55,303 --> 00:02:58,572
with murderers, and arsonists,
and people who take off
74
00:02:58,606 --> 00:03:02,810
their shoes and socks
on commercial airlines.
75
00:03:02,844 --> 00:03:05,779
Mm, Janet, can I have
a glass of water, please?
76
00:03:05,814 --> 00:03:08,582
Here you go.
77
00:03:08,616 --> 00:03:10,951
Oh, gosh, you said "water"?
78
00:03:10,985 --> 00:03:12,686
- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry.
79
00:03:12,754 --> 00:03:14,621
There you go.
80
00:03:14,656 --> 00:03:15,856
Ahh.
81
00:03:18,626 --> 00:03:21,962
I really do have sympathy
for your situation.
82
00:03:21,996 --> 00:03:24,465
I mean, you thought your soul
mate was a good person,
83
00:03:24,499 --> 00:03:26,967
and then you learned that
she's just an immoral grifter.
84
00:03:27,001 --> 00:03:28,802
- Tahani, please.
- Am I wrong?
85
00:03:28,837 --> 00:03:30,671
She lied to everyone.
86
00:03:30,705 --> 00:03:32,372
She caused a giant sinkhole
87
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,007
into which poor Glenn fell.
88
00:03:34,042 --> 00:03:35,375
She caused a trash storm.
89
00:03:35,443 --> 00:03:38,779
She... well, she pretended
to be my friend
90
00:03:38,813 --> 00:03:40,547
when I really needed one.
91
00:03:40,615 --> 00:03:43,884
And, lest we forget, she murdered Janet.
92
00:03:43,952 --> 00:03:46,453
As far as I'm concerned,
the sooner she's gone,
93
00:03:46,488 --> 00:03:47,721
the better off we'll all be.
94
00:03:47,789 --> 00:03:50,057
I... I understand that
Eleanor violated our trust,
95
00:03:50,124 --> 00:03:52,693
but please,
when you're talking to Michael,
96
00:03:52,727 --> 00:03:55,462
try to think about
what she's had to go through.
97
00:03:56,831 --> 00:03:58,465
All right.
98
00:03:58,500 --> 00:04:01,068
I will, for you.
99
00:04:01,135 --> 00:04:02,803
But we've been through a lot as well.
100
00:04:02,837 --> 00:04:04,538
You know, I haven't been this
upset since my good friend
101
00:04:04,572 --> 00:04:06,740
Taylor was rudely upstaged
by my other friend, Kanye,
102
00:04:06,808 --> 00:04:10,043
who was defending
my best friend, Beyoncé.
103
00:04:10,078 --> 00:04:12,746
And finally, a multi-part question:
104
00:04:12,814 --> 00:04:15,549
Did you ever appear on the
American television program
105
00:04:15,583 --> 00:04:18,986
"The Bachelor" or its companion
shows "The Bachelorette"
106
00:04:19,020 --> 00:04:20,687
and "Bachelor in Paradise,"
107
00:04:20,722 --> 00:04:23,390
or post on any social media site
108
00:04:23,424 --> 00:04:26,426
that you were emotionally invested
109
00:04:26,494 --> 00:04:28,695
in any of the relationships
110
00:04:28,730 --> 00:04:30,430
the contestants were pursuing?
111
00:04:30,498 --> 00:04:31,698
No.
112
00:04:31,733 --> 00:04:32,766
Okay.
113
00:04:34,035 --> 00:04:36,703
You did very well
on the questionnaire, Eleanor.
114
00:04:36,738 --> 00:04:37,704
So far, so good.
115
00:04:37,739 --> 00:04:39,606
Michael, good news.
116
00:04:39,674 --> 00:04:42,409
I was able to obtain
Eleanor Shellstrop's file.
117
00:04:42,443 --> 00:04:44,778
Is it actually a cactus?
118
00:04:44,846 --> 00:04:46,880
- I don't understand.
- I want to see the file
119
00:04:46,915 --> 00:04:48,549
for Eleanor Shellstrop.
120
00:04:48,583 --> 00:04:49,683
Is that what you have,
121
00:04:49,717 --> 00:04:51,552
or do you have a cactus?
122
00:04:51,586 --> 00:04:52,886
- I have the file.
- You're sure?
123
00:04:52,921 --> 00:04:54,855
You have the file and not a cactus?
124
00:04:54,889 --> 00:04:55,923
That is correct.
125
00:04:55,957 --> 00:04:57,758
I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file.
126
00:04:57,792 --> 00:04:59,760
I do not have a cactus.
127
00:04:59,794 --> 00:05:01,728
Excellent. Please, give me the file.
128
00:05:01,763 --> 00:05:03,897
Here you go.
129
00:05:03,932 --> 00:05:04,932
Thank you, Janet.
130
00:05:04,966 --> 00:05:07,034
You're welcome.
131
00:05:07,068 --> 00:05:09,436
Well, I say we call it a day.
132
00:05:09,470 --> 00:05:11,038
I mean, I nailed the questionnaire,
133
00:05:11,072 --> 00:05:13,140
and you're swimming in cacti.
134
00:05:13,207 --> 00:05:14,808
Can't we just chalk this up
135
00:05:14,876 --> 00:05:17,811
to a hilarious mistake and move on?
136
00:05:17,879 --> 00:05:19,580
No, we can't, Eleanor.
137
00:05:19,614 --> 00:05:22,916
There's no such thing
as a mistake in this realm.
138
00:05:22,951 --> 00:05:25,419
And yet, you are, somehow, a mistake.
139
00:05:25,453 --> 00:05:27,988
I mean, you're a giant chunk of spinach
140
00:05:28,056 --> 00:05:30,057
in the teeth of the universe.
141
00:05:36,731 --> 00:05:40,634
I need to understand every
facet of this disaster.
142
00:05:40,668 --> 00:05:42,769
Tell me a lie about yourself.
143
00:05:42,804 --> 00:05:45,739
- Any lie.
- I love the opera.
144
00:05:47,141 --> 00:05:48,575
And now a truth.
145
00:05:48,610 --> 00:05:50,110
I love Women's MMA.
146
00:05:51,145 --> 00:05:52,913
We don't like to use this.
147
00:05:52,947 --> 00:05:55,182
We've never really
had a call for it before you,
148
00:05:55,249 --> 00:05:56,750
but in the interest of time.
149
00:05:56,784 --> 00:05:58,185
Eleanor,
150
00:05:58,252 --> 00:06:00,787
did you murder Janet?
151
00:06:00,822 --> 00:06:02,656
No, I did not.
152
00:06:04,626 --> 00:06:05,926
Do you know who did?
153
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:06,960
Yes.
154
00:06:08,029 --> 00:06:10,097
Will you tell me who it was?
155
00:06:10,131 --> 00:06:11,131
No.
156
00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,167
I assume it was one of your friends,
157
00:06:14,202 --> 00:06:17,170
and I admire you
for protecting him or her.
158
00:06:17,205 --> 00:06:19,139
But Eleanor, in the Good Place,
159
00:06:19,173 --> 00:06:23,210
there's no room for bad people
or bad actions,
160
00:06:23,277 --> 00:06:25,512
so anyone involved
in the murder of Janet
161
00:06:25,546 --> 00:06:28,615
will be reviewed and judged,
162
00:06:28,650 --> 00:06:30,617
and there will be consequences.
163
00:06:33,187 --> 00:06:35,055
Tahani, come on in.
164
00:06:35,123 --> 00:06:36,990
Chidi.
165
00:06:37,025 --> 00:06:41,028
Imposter who soiled our paradise
with her moral turpitude.
166
00:06:41,062 --> 00:06:42,996
'Sup?
167
00:06:43,031 --> 00:06:44,998
Thank you for confessing,
I don't know what I would
168
00:06:45,033 --> 00:06:46,833
- have done if you hadn't...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm amazing.
169
00:06:46,868 --> 00:06:47,868
Bad news.
170
00:06:47,902 --> 00:06:49,736
Michael knows I didn't kill Janet
171
00:06:49,804 --> 00:06:51,672
which means it's only a matter of time
172
00:06:51,706 --> 00:06:53,381
before he finds out that you did
173
00:06:53,406 --> 00:06:54,875
and that you did it because you were
174
00:06:54,909 --> 00:06:57,077
trying to stop Bonehead Jones over here.
175
00:06:57,102 --> 00:06:58,151
Hey, homies!
176
00:06:58,176 --> 00:07:00,147
Then he'll figure out
that Jianyu's also a phony,
177
00:07:00,181 --> 00:07:03,183
and, here's the real dong-buster,
178
00:07:03,217 --> 00:07:06,086
Michael said anybody
who did anything bad
179
00:07:06,154 --> 00:07:08,155
might have to go...
180
00:07:08,189 --> 00:07:09,856
- Ohh...
- Which means Jianyu's gone,
181
00:07:09,891 --> 00:07:11,091
you might be gone,
182
00:07:11,159 --> 00:07:13,483
and all three of us
are royally forking forked!
183
00:07:13,508 --> 00:07:15,444
This is terrible. What am I supposed
to do if he asks me?
184
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:18,598
I don't know. Kant would say
185
00:07:18,666 --> 00:07:20,901
that lying in any scenario is wrong,
186
00:07:20,935 --> 00:07:23,537
so if Michael asks you
if you killed Janet,
187
00:07:23,571 --> 00:07:24,838
you should say yes.
188
00:07:24,872 --> 00:07:26,540
On the other hand,
189
00:07:26,574 --> 00:07:28,075
snitches do get stitches.
190
00:07:28,109 --> 00:07:29,876
That is true. I read that once
191
00:07:29,911 --> 00:07:31,845
on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.
192
00:07:31,879 --> 00:07:34,281
You just casually cited Immanuel Kant.
193
00:07:34,348 --> 00:07:36,116
Yeah, I know we're
in a miserable bind here,
194
00:07:36,184 --> 00:07:38,752
but this might be
the proudest day of my life.
195
00:07:38,786 --> 00:07:41,393
No offense, but that's
a real bummer of a life.
196
00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:46,305
Tahani, I'll get right
to the crux of the matter.
197
00:07:46,448 --> 00:07:47,748
Did you murder Janet?
198
00:07:47,782 --> 00:07:49,316
Absolutely not.
199
00:07:51,653 --> 00:07:54,321
Now, you spent a lot
of time with Eleanor.
200
00:07:54,356 --> 00:07:55,589
Why do you think that is?
201
00:07:55,623 --> 00:07:57,658
Well, people are just drawn to me.
202
00:07:57,692 --> 00:07:59,993
You know, one of my shyest
friends, I won't say his name
203
00:08:00,028 --> 00:08:02,496
to preserve his privacy,
but he found my presence
204
00:08:02,530 --> 00:08:04,698
so comforting that he asked me
to co-host his TV show
205
00:08:04,766 --> 00:08:06,333
"Anderson Cooper 360."
206
00:08:07,502 --> 00:08:10,003
Given what you learned about Eleanor,
207
00:08:10,038 --> 00:08:12,272
do you think she deserves to be here?
208
00:08:14,709 --> 00:08:16,643
Well...
209
00:08:16,678 --> 00:08:18,379
You know, if it were up to me,
210
00:08:18,446 --> 00:08:21,715
I might find a way
to look past her, um...
211
00:08:21,783 --> 00:08:23,350
deficiencies,
212
00:08:23,385 --> 00:08:24,785
but it's not up to me, is it?
213
00:08:24,819 --> 00:08:27,187
There are some criteria
that she unfortunately
214
00:08:27,222 --> 00:08:28,822
just didn't meet in her time on Earth.
215
00:08:28,857 --> 00:08:31,058
So you think that I should
send her to the Bad Place?
216
00:08:31,126 --> 00:08:32,793
Well, I didn't say that,
217
00:08:32,827 --> 00:08:36,730
but is her staying here unfair
to those who earned their place?
218
00:08:36,798 --> 00:08:39,066
It sounds like you want her to leave.
219
00:08:39,134 --> 00:08:41,668
Well, is it not she
220
00:08:41,703 --> 00:08:45,672
who wants us to leave her?
221
00:08:45,707 --> 00:08:47,541
Thank you, Tahani.
You've been a big help.
222
00:08:50,412 --> 00:08:51,545
Listen up, genius.
223
00:08:51,579 --> 00:08:53,080
He's gonna call you
in there in a second.
224
00:08:53,148 --> 00:08:55,215
Don't worry, I got you.
I'll just tell Michael
225
00:08:55,250 --> 00:08:57,751
you're the bomb and that you got
a dope soul and hella ethics.
226
00:08:57,819 --> 00:09:00,554
Oh, boy. No, don't say any of that.
227
00:09:00,588 --> 00:09:02,389
Michael has a lie detector in there.
228
00:09:02,424 --> 00:09:03,824
It's a... it's a glowing cube.
229
00:09:03,858 --> 00:09:06,493
Like the AllSpark? From "Transformers"?
230
00:09:06,528 --> 00:09:09,229
Sure, uh, just like the
AllSpark from "Transformers,"
231
00:09:09,264 --> 00:09:11,704
and... and he'll know instantly
if you're lying about anything
232
00:09:11,733 --> 00:09:14,768
so only smiles and nods, got it?
233
00:09:16,604 --> 00:09:19,239
Wise sage,
234
00:09:19,274 --> 00:09:22,242
centered Jianyu.
235
00:09:22,277 --> 00:09:26,246
I seek your wisdom
in this moment of crisis.
236
00:09:26,281 --> 00:09:27,781
What to do with Eleanor?
237
00:09:27,849 --> 00:09:29,883
Should I let her stay?
238
00:09:29,918 --> 00:09:31,852
Should I send her away?
239
00:09:32,787 --> 00:09:35,556
You think I should send her away?
240
00:09:36,624 --> 00:09:40,093
No, I should let her stay?
241
00:09:40,128 --> 00:09:44,398
Or no, I shouldn't let her stay
because she doesn't belong here?
242
00:09:44,432 --> 00:09:45,899
Or no, I shouldn't let her stay
243
00:09:45,934 --> 00:09:48,135
even though she does belong here?
244
00:09:49,304 --> 00:09:53,106
Oh, Jianyu, I wish I had your wisdom.
245
00:09:53,141 --> 00:09:55,709
Your devotion to the noble
truths has given you something
246
00:09:55,743 --> 00:09:58,612
that I don't have: clarity.
247
00:09:58,646 --> 00:10:00,881
It was Buddha who said,
248
00:10:00,915 --> 00:10:03,584
"The man lives a pure life.
249
00:10:03,618 --> 00:10:05,452
Nothing can destroy him."
250
00:10:05,487 --> 00:10:09,323
I'm not a man, and I've lived no life,
251
00:10:09,390 --> 00:10:11,758
so will this destroy me?
252
00:10:11,793 --> 00:10:12,826
Ouch.
253
00:10:15,330 --> 00:10:18,465
Oh, of course.
254
00:10:18,500 --> 00:10:21,635
A cactus on its own intends no harm.
255
00:10:21,669 --> 00:10:25,405
It's only when we interfere
that it becomes dangerous.
256
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,275
I need to remember my own agency here.
257
00:10:28,309 --> 00:10:31,578
Oh, thank you, Jianyu.
258
00:10:31,613 --> 00:10:34,481
You're free to go.
259
00:10:34,516 --> 00:10:36,817
Oh, yes, of course. Help yourself.
260
00:10:36,851 --> 00:10:38,819
I've got plenty of those.
261
00:10:42,824 --> 00:10:44,424
Chidi, come on in.
262
00:10:44,459 --> 00:10:45,499
Hi there.
263
00:10:45,527 --> 00:10:46,693
I have Eleanor's file.
264
00:10:46,761 --> 00:10:48,795
Janet, if you hand me a cactus,
265
00:10:48,830 --> 00:10:50,697
I swear I will lose my mind.
266
00:10:52,534 --> 00:10:53,767
Oh, yes!
267
00:10:53,801 --> 00:10:56,203
All right, here we go.
Eleanor, come back in.
268
00:10:56,271 --> 00:10:57,437
Chidi, you stay here.
269
00:10:59,474 --> 00:11:02,843
This file contains a compendium
270
00:11:02,877 --> 00:11:05,779
of all of the highest impact
events from your life,
271
00:11:05,813 --> 00:11:06,880
that's the, uh,
272
00:11:06,948 --> 00:11:09,449
biggest positive
and negative point swings.
273
00:11:09,484 --> 00:11:11,852
So "Little Julie," who's that?
274
00:11:11,886 --> 00:11:13,554
Julie is my cousin's daughter.
275
00:11:13,621 --> 00:11:16,623
Her mom is kind of a mess,
so I used to take her
276
00:11:16,658 --> 00:11:20,227
to the mall sometimes
and bought her churro dogs.
277
00:11:20,295 --> 00:11:23,964
It's a hot dog,
but the bun is two churros.
278
00:11:23,998 --> 00:11:27,501
And it's tied together with a Slim Jim.
279
00:11:27,535 --> 00:11:28,702
It's an Arizona delicacy.
280
00:11:28,736 --> 00:11:30,971
Oh, sounds awful, but it's very nice
281
00:11:31,005 --> 00:11:32,739
that you made that girl happy.
282
00:11:33,741 --> 00:11:36,376
So what's this: "Kool Threadz,
283
00:11:36,411 --> 00:11:39,580
"Glendale, Arizona's
Premiere T-Shirt Emporium"?
284
00:11:39,647 --> 00:11:42,583
Uh, can we skip around
and... and circle back?
285
00:11:42,650 --> 00:11:44,751
How about I tell you more
about those churro dogs.
286
00:11:44,819 --> 00:11:46,652
They came with unlimited ranch dressing.
287
00:11:46,677 --> 00:11:48,631
Let's hear about the t-shirts, please.
288
00:11:48,656 --> 00:11:50,724
Eeeh, okay.
289
00:11:50,758 --> 00:11:51,858
I'll tell you,
290
00:11:51,893 --> 00:11:55,028
but it doesn't make me look great,
291
00:11:55,063 --> 00:11:56,697
so don't judge me.
292
00:11:56,731 --> 00:12:00,674
That's literally the purpose
of this entire exercise.
293
00:12:03,498 --> 00:12:06,545
Okay, to understand this,
you have to know
294
00:12:06,570 --> 00:12:08,538
about my roommate, Madison.
295
00:12:08,572 --> 00:12:09,739
She was terrible.
296
00:12:09,773 --> 00:12:12,408
Hey, Mads, um,
I have to go to this stupid
297
00:12:12,442 --> 00:12:15,044
work party tonight.
Can I borrow your peach dress?
298
00:12:15,078 --> 00:12:17,747
Aww, that's a hard no, babe.
299
00:12:17,781 --> 00:12:19,749
That dress is like twice your salary.
300
00:12:19,783 --> 00:12:22,451
All right, I gotta go to the DMV
and pick up my vanity plates.
301
00:12:22,519 --> 00:12:25,454
Ciao, bitches.
302
00:12:45,542 --> 00:12:47,877
Well, that's... that's not great,
303
00:12:47,911 --> 00:12:50,613
but I assume you confessed
and paid to fix it.
304
00:12:50,647 --> 00:12:51,781
Not exactly.
305
00:12:51,815 --> 00:12:53,783
Hey, losers, I'm going out.
306
00:12:53,817 --> 00:12:55,318
Can you zip me?
307
00:12:55,385 --> 00:12:57,486
Dude, that dress is hella ripped.
308
00:12:57,554 --> 00:12:59,622
What?
309
00:12:59,656 --> 00:13:01,991
Oh, that stupid dry cleaner!
310
00:13:02,059 --> 00:13:03,960
Well, that's the risk
you take when you keep
311
00:13:03,994 --> 00:13:06,329
- your clothes clean.
- My mom's a lawyer.
312
00:13:06,396 --> 00:13:08,331
Those asswipes are gonna pay.
313
00:13:08,398 --> 00:13:10,766
She sued for $900 for the dress
314
00:13:10,801 --> 00:13:13,803
and $80 million in emotional distress.
315
00:13:13,837 --> 00:13:16,305
The legal fees drove the dry
cleaner out of business.
316
00:13:16,340 --> 00:13:17,440
Oh, boy.
317
00:13:18,508 --> 00:13:22,578
Wait, this story's about t-shirts.
318
00:13:22,613 --> 00:13:24,780
There's more, isn't there?
319
00:13:24,815 --> 00:13:25,815
A little.
320
00:13:25,849 --> 00:13:27,350
Check this out.
321
00:13:27,417 --> 00:13:30,620
Somebody put the dry cleaners'
story online, and it went viral.
322
00:13:30,654 --> 00:13:32,655
Madison's famous.
323
00:13:32,689 --> 00:13:34,957
The "Dress Bitch"? Yikes.
324
00:13:34,992 --> 00:13:36,325
Serves her right.
325
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:38,961
Madison is psycho.
She totally overreacted.
326
00:13:38,996 --> 00:13:39,996
This is her fault.
327
00:13:40,030 --> 00:13:42,865
Yeah, her fault. That works.
328
00:13:43,967 --> 00:13:47,003
You guys, what is happening?
329
00:13:47,037 --> 00:13:48,671
Someone egged my Lexus,
330
00:13:48,705 --> 00:13:51,874
and I have like 40,000 tweets
calling me the "Dress Bitch"?
331
00:13:51,942 --> 00:13:54,343
Over a loser dry cleaner man?
332
00:13:54,378 --> 00:13:56,879
Why is everyone so jealous of me?
333
00:13:56,947 --> 00:13:59,982
This is a trash city full of idiots.
334
00:14:03,487 --> 00:14:05,021
The "Dress Bitch" is so catchy.
335
00:14:05,055 --> 00:14:06,389
- Yeah.
- I mean, someone could
336
00:14:06,456 --> 00:14:08,524
totally make t-shirts.
337
00:14:08,558 --> 00:14:09,792
Ooh...
338
00:14:09,826 --> 00:14:12,128
No, no. No. No.
339
00:14:12,162 --> 00:14:15,498
Do not tell me that you made
t-shirts that said...
340
00:14:15,532 --> 00:14:18,167
that and then sold them for a profit?
341
00:14:18,201 --> 00:14:20,503
Wish I could tell you that, bud.
342
00:14:20,537 --> 00:14:22,038
I really do.
343
00:14:22,072 --> 00:14:24,040
Guuurl, check it out!
344
00:14:24,074 --> 00:14:25,074
They're here.
345
00:14:26,877 --> 00:14:27,877
Wait a second.
346
00:14:27,911 --> 00:14:29,145
Is this insane?
347
00:14:29,179 --> 00:14:30,346
I mean, should we be doing this?
348
00:14:30,380 --> 00:14:32,648
Dude, Madison brought
this on herself, okay?
349
00:14:32,683 --> 00:14:36,018
She's a nightmare
of a person to everybody.
350
00:14:36,053 --> 00:14:38,399
Plus, we already have
a ton of pre-orders.
351
00:14:38,455 --> 00:14:40,823
Here is your first cut of the profits.
352
00:14:40,891 --> 00:14:42,524
Holy mama.
353
00:14:44,127 --> 00:14:46,429
I can't believe you sold the t-shirts.
354
00:14:46,463 --> 00:14:48,798
Does it help if they
basically sold themselves?
355
00:14:48,832 --> 00:14:50,666
I think you know it does not.
356
00:14:51,735 --> 00:14:53,102
What did you do with the money?
357
00:14:53,136 --> 00:14:55,905
Gah, I was hoping you
wouldn't ask me that.
358
00:15:00,844 --> 00:15:02,345
Thanks, babe.
359
00:15:06,516 --> 00:15:08,517
Next question.
360
00:15:08,585 --> 00:15:10,820
Eleanor.
361
00:15:10,854 --> 00:15:15,024
Given what you know about the
people who've been brought here,
362
00:15:15,092 --> 00:15:17,793
the lives they've led,
363
00:15:17,828 --> 00:15:19,929
do you think you belong
in the Good Place?
364
00:15:21,131 --> 00:15:22,999
No, I don't.
365
00:15:31,976 --> 00:15:33,442
Yello, Bad Place.
366
00:15:33,477 --> 00:15:34,944
What's up, dummy?
367
00:15:34,978 --> 00:15:36,712
This is Michael, the architect from
368
00:15:36,780 --> 00:15:40,683
Good Place Neighborhood 12358W.
369
00:15:40,717 --> 00:15:42,952
I'm guessing you've been looking
for someone
370
00:15:42,986 --> 00:15:46,455
called Eleanor Shellstrop.
371
00:15:46,490 --> 00:15:48,509
She's here. Come and get her.
372
00:16:00,690 --> 00:16:02,857
What is this?
373
00:16:02,892 --> 00:16:04,693
What is that smell?
374
00:16:07,630 --> 00:16:09,597
Get out of here!
375
00:16:14,436 --> 00:16:15,637
Hello, Trevor.
376
00:16:15,671 --> 00:16:16,804
Hey, there he is.
377
00:16:16,839 --> 00:16:17,972
Good to see you again, Mikey.
378
00:16:18,007 --> 00:16:19,774
Hey, think fast,
I brought you something.
379
00:16:19,808 --> 00:16:23,811
Oh, nuts, thank you. Oh!
380
00:16:25,648 --> 00:16:28,750
Oh, flaming snake ate
all the nuts you brought me.
381
00:16:28,784 --> 00:16:30,952
You're too nice to humiliate.
382
00:16:32,521 --> 00:16:33,621
Oh, hello.
383
00:16:33,656 --> 00:16:35,757
Hi, you look like a piece of crap,
384
00:16:35,791 --> 00:16:37,759
are... are you Eleanor?
385
00:16:37,793 --> 00:16:40,461
Dude, you're like
a legend in the Bad Place.
386
00:16:40,496 --> 00:16:41,763
You're... Check this out.
387
00:16:42,698 --> 00:16:44,499
- Huh?
- "Dress Bitch"!
388
00:16:44,533 --> 00:16:45,667
It's pretty great, right?
389
00:16:45,701 --> 00:16:46,801
Trevor...
390
00:16:46,835 --> 00:16:48,136
Do you know what caused this mistake?
391
00:16:48,170 --> 00:16:49,704
'Cause I cannot figure it out.
392
00:16:49,772 --> 00:16:52,006
No, we're stumped, but,
uh, don't sweat it, champ.
393
00:16:52,041 --> 00:16:53,675
She's definitely one of ours.
394
00:16:53,709 --> 00:16:56,144
So we'll just roll on out,
and you can get back to, uh,
395
00:16:56,178 --> 00:17:00,014
putting rainbows up your butt
or whatever you do here. Okay?
396
00:17:00,049 --> 00:17:02,016
Let's hit it, sweetheart.
We got a long ride.
397
00:17:02,051 --> 00:17:03,618
What? Right now?
398
00:17:03,652 --> 00:17:05,687
Trevor, for decency's sake,
399
00:17:05,721 --> 00:17:07,021
let her have some good-byes.
400
00:17:07,056 --> 00:17:09,624
God, good people are the worst.
401
00:17:09,658 --> 00:17:11,826
Okay, uh, 30 minutes.
402
00:17:11,860 --> 00:17:13,528
We gotta get back for "The Bachelor."
403
00:17:13,562 --> 00:17:16,698
I'm gonna be pissed
if I miss the Rose Ceremony.
404
00:17:16,732 --> 00:17:19,534
I just want to say,
once more, for the record,
405
00:17:19,568 --> 00:17:22,904
that this whole good/bad
system is bullshirt.
406
00:17:24,073 --> 00:17:27,508
There should be a medium place
for people like me
407
00:17:27,543 --> 00:17:30,979
who kind of sucked,
but in, like, a fun, chill way.
408
00:17:31,013 --> 00:17:32,847
I agree.
409
00:17:32,881 --> 00:17:34,716
I'm sorry I dragged you into this.
410
00:17:34,750 --> 00:17:38,052
And that I never did laundry.
411
00:17:38,087 --> 00:17:39,554
And that I waited until you were
412
00:17:39,588 --> 00:17:41,823
about to do yours
then secretly tossed mine
413
00:17:41,857 --> 00:17:43,992
into the basket
to trick you into doing it.
414
00:17:44,026 --> 00:17:46,427
You didn't trick me.
I repeatedly asked you to stop.
415
00:17:46,495 --> 00:17:49,998
Just know you did everything
you could to help me.
416
00:17:50,032 --> 00:17:52,279
You're a really good fake soul mate.
417
00:18:03,979 --> 00:18:05,313
What are you guys doing here?
418
00:18:05,347 --> 00:18:07,649
Well, we only thought
it was proper to see you off.
419
00:18:07,683 --> 00:18:09,417
It's the neighborly thing to do.
420
00:18:11,854 --> 00:18:14,856
You guys came to say good-bye
because you're my friends.
421
00:18:14,924 --> 00:18:18,993
Well, I... suppose some part of me
422
00:18:19,028 --> 00:18:23,798
possibly has a sense
of casual kinship with you.
423
00:18:23,832 --> 00:18:25,667
Much as one might be
fond of a street cat.
424
00:18:27,036 --> 00:18:29,537
Thanks, Tahani.
425
00:18:29,605 --> 00:18:31,039
Sorry about everything.
426
00:18:33,676 --> 00:18:35,043
I'm really glad we're friends.
427
00:18:39,848 --> 00:18:41,950
Oh, hey, dum-dum. You ready to go?
428
00:18:41,984 --> 00:18:43,952
Oh, you must be Chidi.
429
00:18:43,986 --> 00:18:45,687
Trying to improve her.
430
00:18:45,721 --> 00:18:46,955
Bold plan, bro.
431
00:18:46,989 --> 00:18:48,856
Well, actually,
she learned a great deal in
432
00:18:48,891 --> 00:18:50,692
- a very short amount of time...
- Oh, really? Really?
433
00:18:50,726 --> 00:18:52,794
I don't care. All right, let's hit it.
434
00:18:52,828 --> 00:18:56,030
Oh, also, you should smile more.
You have such a pretty smile.
435
00:18:56,065 --> 00:18:58,533
Love you, babe.
Can't wait to torture you.
436
00:19:02,071 --> 00:19:04,906
This is the 3:18 to the Bad Place,
437
00:19:04,974 --> 00:19:09,043
making thousands of stops
for literally no reason.
438
00:19:09,078 --> 00:19:11,012
Now, you'll notice
it's very hot in here,
439
00:19:11,046 --> 00:19:13,047
and it will get one degree hotter
440
00:19:13,082 --> 00:19:15,383
every time you think about
how hot it is.
441
00:19:15,417 --> 00:19:16,918
Oops.
442
00:19:16,986 --> 00:19:18,452
You just thought about it.
443
00:19:19,922 --> 00:19:22,023
- Michael...
- Oh, hi, Chidi.
444
00:19:22,057 --> 00:19:23,491
Want some pizza?
445
00:19:23,525 --> 00:19:26,894
Bad Place crew delivered
a hundred of these to my office.
446
00:19:26,929 --> 00:19:29,497
All Hawaiian, the worst pizza.
447
00:19:29,631 --> 00:19:31,532
Michael, I murdered Janet.
448
00:19:32,334 --> 00:19:34,424
I knew about Eleanor from the beginning.
449
00:19:34,449 --> 00:19:36,533
I've been trying to help her
become a better person,
450
00:19:36,558 --> 00:19:38,463
and when she found out
that your retirement meant
451
00:19:38,488 --> 00:19:40,174
that you would be tortured,
she immediately tried
452
00:19:40,209 --> 00:19:41,275
to find a way to prevent it.
453
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:43,644
Eleanor is learning.
454
00:19:43,679 --> 00:19:46,214
She's just doing it after she died.
455
00:19:47,683 --> 00:19:49,433
I did enjoy her company.
456
00:19:50,986 --> 00:19:54,188
But, this is not Little League.
457
00:19:54,223 --> 00:19:57,291
There is no award for Most
Improved Player, Chidi.
458
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,561
Well, maybe there should be.
459
00:20:01,897 --> 00:20:04,732
One final note: the dining car
460
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,034
is at the very back of the train.
461
00:20:07,069 --> 00:20:11,038
It serves only room-temperature
Manhattan clam chowder,
462
00:20:11,073 --> 00:20:13,875
and also, it's closed.
463
00:20:13,909 --> 00:20:15,743
Okay, here we go.
464
00:20:21,917 --> 00:20:23,751
Michael: Stop this train!
465
00:20:28,657 --> 00:20:30,224
Dude, what the fork?
466
00:20:30,259 --> 00:20:33,194
You're not leaving. Not with her.
467
00:20:33,228 --> 00:20:36,097
Not yet. Come on.
468
00:20:39,001 --> 00:20:40,868
Wait, you want to keep her?
469
00:20:40,903 --> 00:20:43,771
Bro, that's our girl. We agreed on this.
470
00:20:43,839 --> 00:20:46,908
No, what we agreed on
was that this was a mistake.
471
00:20:46,942 --> 00:20:49,610
Trevor, we're in
unchartered territory here.
472
00:20:49,678 --> 00:20:52,013
Until we can sort this out,
she stays with us.
473
00:20:52,047 --> 00:20:55,249
Pff, all right, fine,
but until this is resolved,
474
00:20:55,284 --> 00:20:56,884
we're keeping the other Eleanor.
475
00:20:56,919 --> 00:20:58,619
Fine. What? I'm sorry...
476
00:20:58,687 --> 00:21:00,888
- The other Eleanor?
- Yeah, the real Eleanor.
477
00:21:00,923 --> 00:21:02,757
The one that was supposed
to be here but got sent
478
00:21:02,791 --> 00:21:05,626
down to us instead? She's on the train.
479
00:21:05,694 --> 00:21:06,961
Eleanor, come on out.
480
00:21:13,869 --> 00:21:16,404
Hi, everyone, I'm Eleanor Shellstrop.
481
00:21:20,432 --> 00:21:25,432
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com