1
00:00:10,991 --> 00:00:13,686
Hey, dingdongs. We figured
out what's happened here.
2
00:00:13,711 --> 00:00:16,696
You two are both
named Eleanor Shellstrop.
3
00:00:16,764 --> 00:00:19,532
The day you died, you were
both in Phoenix, Arizona
4
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:22,268
shopping at the same grocery store.
5
00:00:22,303 --> 00:00:23,469
Pffft.
6
00:00:23,504 --> 00:00:25,672
The "real Eleanor"
was attending a conference
7
00:00:25,706 --> 00:00:28,274
on the death penalty,
and you stopped by to pick up
8
00:00:28,309 --> 00:00:30,310
food for a local homeless shelter.
9
00:00:30,344 --> 00:00:33,546
And "fake Eleanor" was there
buying margarita mix
10
00:00:33,614 --> 00:00:38,551
and a magazine called "Celebrity
Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters."
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00:00:38,619 --> 00:00:43,222
Incredibly, you both died in the
same 10,000ths of a second
12
00:00:43,290 --> 00:00:47,160
in the same traffic accident
because Real Eleanor
13
00:00:47,194 --> 00:00:49,062
was trying to save Fake Eleanor's life
14
00:00:49,129 --> 00:00:50,730
by pushing you out
of the way of the truck.
15
00:00:50,798 --> 00:00:52,799
I guess you really botched that one, eh?
16
00:00:52,833 --> 00:00:56,803
I did, and I am so, so sorry.
17
00:00:56,837 --> 00:00:58,237
It's all good.
18
00:00:58,305 --> 00:01:01,007
So how did you not realize
you had the wrong Eleanor?
19
00:01:01,041 --> 00:01:02,681
Oh, we don't know
what people look like...
20
00:01:02,710 --> 00:01:06,346
only names and profiles.
On Earth, they're just
21
00:01:06,380 --> 00:01:08,147
dots on a map.
22
00:01:08,182 --> 00:01:10,083
Whatever, we got our wires crossed,
23
00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:12,485
we picked up the wrong dot,
blah, blah, blah, blah
24
00:01:12,519 --> 00:01:16,022
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
25
00:01:16,056 --> 00:01:18,191
Point is, there are two Eleanors.
26
00:01:18,225 --> 00:01:22,333
The nice, boring one is yours.
The trash bag is ours...
27
00:01:22,379 --> 00:01:24,480
- So, trash bag, let's go.
- Wh...
28
00:01:24,515 --> 00:01:26,783
Let's hit it.
And also... I'm still waiting on
29
00:01:26,817 --> 00:01:28,217
- that smile, gorgeous.
- Trevor.
30
00:01:28,285 --> 00:01:29,652
- Where's that smile?
- Trevor, how about
31
00:01:29,687 --> 00:01:31,554
we negotiate?
Maybe give you something else.
32
00:01:31,622 --> 00:01:33,389
What in the world could you have
33
00:01:33,457 --> 00:01:34,791
that we would want?
34
00:01:34,825 --> 00:01:36,492
All right, how about a unicorn?
35
00:01:36,527 --> 00:01:38,294
Right? I bet you don't
have one of those.
36
00:01:38,329 --> 00:01:39,495
No, that is true, yeah.
37
00:01:39,530 --> 00:01:40,730
Might be fun
38
00:01:40,798 --> 00:01:43,132
to skin it alive, eat its raw flesh,
39
00:01:43,167 --> 00:01:45,668
maybe break off the horn,
grind it up, snort it.
40
00:01:45,703 --> 00:01:48,371
Okay, let's keep talking. Yeah.
41
00:01:48,405 --> 00:01:53,348
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
42
00:01:53,373 --> 00:01:55,330
_
43
00:01:55,355 --> 00:01:56,813
Fake Eleanor, a word?
44
00:01:56,847 --> 00:01:59,716
It's just me, man.
You can just say, "Eleanor."
45
00:01:59,750 --> 00:02:02,719
Sorry, it just makes things easier.
46
00:02:02,753 --> 00:02:06,255
Look, I'm not even sure how it
would work for you to stay here
47
00:02:06,323 --> 00:02:08,725
now that we know there's a real
Eleanor, but in the meantime,
48
00:02:08,759 --> 00:02:11,361
stay on your toes. Don't let Trevor
49
00:02:11,395 --> 00:02:13,396
get inside your head.
50
00:02:13,430 --> 00:02:15,531
Can I ask you something?
51
00:02:15,566 --> 00:02:17,667
Why are you helping me?
52
00:02:17,701 --> 00:02:21,170
Well, Chidi made a very good
argument on your behalf,
53
00:02:21,205 --> 00:02:24,273
but it's more than that. I truly believe
54
00:02:24,341 --> 00:02:27,377
that the Good Place is where you belong.
55
00:02:27,411 --> 00:02:29,245
You're part of our team.
56
00:02:32,082 --> 00:02:35,218
Hi! Oh, you must be
the new student Eleanor Shellstrop.
57
00:02:35,252 --> 00:02:37,553
I'm Gloria, the senior class secretary.
58
00:02:37,588 --> 00:02:38,955
Cool.
59
00:02:39,023 --> 00:02:42,558
Well, welcome to Adobe High,
home of the Scorpi-oties!
60
00:02:42,593 --> 00:02:44,293
Half the school wanted
to be the Scorpions,
61
00:02:44,361 --> 00:02:47,096
half wanted to be the Coyotes,
so we compromised.
62
00:02:47,131 --> 00:02:49,232
Why don't I give you a tour after lunch?
63
00:02:49,266 --> 00:02:51,434
Yeah, no thanks, moptop.
64
00:02:51,468 --> 00:02:53,369
Uh, sorry?
65
00:02:53,404 --> 00:02:55,738
Don't need your help,
don't wanna sign your yearbook
66
00:02:55,773 --> 00:02:58,107
in, like, gel pen, don't wanna bedazzle
67
00:02:58,142 --> 00:03:01,744
our college essays, or whatever.
I'm here for like six months,
68
00:03:01,779 --> 00:03:03,780
and I'm gonna fly solo.
69
00:03:03,814 --> 00:03:07,650
Beat it, Gloria.
She is, like, such a dork.
70
00:03:07,718 --> 00:03:10,119
She, like, loves this school so much.
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00:03:10,154 --> 00:03:12,555
Why don't you come sit with us?
We'll teach you which guys are
72
00:03:12,589 --> 00:03:14,557
cute and which teachers
are secretly pervs, and...
73
00:03:14,591 --> 00:03:16,893
Yeah, that's a hard pass as well.
74
00:03:16,927 --> 00:03:19,162
I don't wanna get chunky highlights,
75
00:03:19,229 --> 00:03:22,398
make fun of nerds, and steal
your mom's flavored vodka.
76
00:03:22,433 --> 00:03:24,167
I get your whole "mean girl" thing,
77
00:03:24,234 --> 00:03:26,135
and I'm all set with it, thanks.
78
00:03:26,170 --> 00:03:28,571
In fact...
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00:03:30,641 --> 00:03:32,275
Listen up, everyone.
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00:03:32,309 --> 00:03:36,112
I'm Eleanor, I'm new here,
and as a blanket statement
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00:03:36,146 --> 00:03:39,348
for everyone: I don't wanna be
a part of whatever little group
82
00:03:39,416 --> 00:03:42,518
you've formed because
they're all equally lame.
83
00:03:42,586 --> 00:03:44,687
Everybody cool? Great.
84
00:03:46,824 --> 00:03:49,292
Hey, that was really cool,
the way you told
85
00:03:49,326 --> 00:03:50,827
- all those poseurs...
- No.
86
00:03:52,262 --> 00:03:54,297
Michael, welcome. How can I help you?
87
00:03:54,331 --> 00:03:58,668
Well, if I'm going to save Fake Eleanor,
88
00:03:58,702 --> 00:04:02,305
I need some help negotiating.
I don't even know what to offer.
89
00:04:02,339 --> 00:04:06,375
I mean, what do you get somebody
who wants to eat a unicorn?
90
00:04:06,443 --> 00:04:10,813
A unicorn bib, yes!
No, no, uh, unicorn holders,
91
00:04:10,848 --> 00:04:13,549
you know, like... like,
corn holders, but for unicorns?
92
00:04:13,617 --> 00:04:15,384
Perhaps, it'd be better
if we just move away
93
00:04:15,452 --> 00:04:16,719
from the unicorn thing altogether.
94
00:04:16,787 --> 00:04:18,488
No, you're right, you're right.
95
00:04:18,522 --> 00:04:20,556
And anyway, there's a bigger problem:
96
00:04:20,624 --> 00:04:23,659
the Bad Place Crew...
they're all terrible bullies,
97
00:04:23,694 --> 00:04:25,728
and they outnumber me. They even have
98
00:04:25,796 --> 00:04:28,197
their own Bad Janet. I'll show you.
99
00:04:28,232 --> 00:04:29,365
Bad Janet?
100
00:04:29,399 --> 00:04:30,633
What?
101
00:04:31,635 --> 00:04:35,204
Bad Janet, uh,
where is the nearest café?
102
00:04:35,239 --> 00:04:37,206
Oh, um, that's a good question.
103
00:04:37,241 --> 00:04:40,676
It's up your mom's butt, you fat dink.
104
00:04:40,711 --> 00:04:42,879
What is even the purpose
105
00:04:42,913 --> 00:04:44,847
of a Janet who behaves in such a manner?
106
00:04:44,882 --> 00:04:49,418
Unclear, but the... the point is
I never have to deal with
107
00:04:49,486 --> 00:04:53,422
negative emotion of any sort.
I could use some backup, Tahani.
108
00:04:53,490 --> 00:04:54,824
Oh, Michael, of course.
109
00:04:54,858 --> 00:04:56,425
Why don't you just bring them all here?
110
00:04:56,493 --> 00:04:59,262
Surely this magnificent house
will placate them.
111
00:04:59,329 --> 00:05:02,198
Oh, perfect, perfect.
I'll be right back.
112
00:05:02,232 --> 00:05:04,834
Well, here's... your house.
113
00:05:04,868 --> 00:05:09,405
It's beautiful... I love
Icelandic primitive design.
114
00:05:09,439 --> 00:05:11,541
I kind of wish
it had a clown nook, oh...
115
00:05:11,575 --> 00:05:12,608
There it is.
116
00:05:12,676 --> 00:05:14,277
Here's the bedroom. It's kind of hard
117
00:05:14,344 --> 00:05:17,246
to get up on this dumb ledge
though, it's like...
118
00:05:20,784 --> 00:05:23,419
You have got to be forking kidding me.
119
00:05:23,453 --> 00:05:26,389
Hey, Fake Eleanor,
we used this same clown painting
120
00:05:26,423 --> 00:05:28,724
to decorate the room you were
supposed to live in down there.
121
00:05:28,759 --> 00:05:29,792
I swear to Bieber.
122
00:05:29,860 --> 00:05:31,727
Wait, what was your house like?
123
00:05:31,762 --> 00:05:33,563
Well, I was living in what I assume
124
00:05:33,597 --> 00:05:35,464
is Eleanor's worst nightmare.
125
00:05:35,532 --> 00:05:38,267
Every day was basically
one endless baby shower
126
00:05:38,302 --> 00:05:40,970
for a woman I didn't know,
but also somehow
127
00:05:41,038 --> 00:05:42,705
I had to organize it.
128
00:05:42,739 --> 00:05:44,473
And if I didn't remember
everyone's name,
129
00:05:44,541 --> 00:05:46,542
I got a very strong electric shock.
130
00:05:46,577 --> 00:05:47,910
Yep, that was my pitch.
131
00:05:47,945 --> 00:05:51,314
And then at night,
it was pretty classic torture.
132
00:05:51,381 --> 00:05:54,917
Uh, flying piranhas,
lava monsters, college improv,
133
00:05:54,952 --> 00:05:57,253
and there was always jazz music playing.
134
00:05:57,287 --> 00:06:00,423
Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song
135
00:06:00,457 --> 00:06:03,426
is like 40 minutes long.
It's like, we get it.
136
00:06:03,460 --> 00:06:06,996
You can blow on a trumpet.
Wrap it up, Elton John.
137
00:06:07,064 --> 00:06:08,731
Famously a piano player.
138
00:06:08,765 --> 00:06:11,434
I don't mean to be a bother,
but could I possibly
139
00:06:11,468 --> 00:06:13,569
get some water and whatever food
140
00:06:13,604 --> 00:06:15,438
doesn't turn to spiders in your mouth?
141
00:06:15,472 --> 00:06:18,341
Oh, of course, so sorry.
Let's get some dinner.
142
00:06:18,408 --> 00:06:20,810
Yeah, we'll all go. Perfect double date:
143
00:06:20,844 --> 00:06:23,512
Two losers, a trash bag, and a demon.
144
00:06:23,580 --> 00:06:25,014
Let's hit it.
145
00:06:25,082 --> 00:06:27,917
Eeh!
146
00:06:29,186 --> 00:06:30,753
All right, Michael,
we're going to ply them
147
00:06:30,787 --> 00:06:33,089
with delicious food and drink,
and then we're going to subtly
148
00:06:33,123 --> 00:06:34,790
segue into negotiation.
149
00:06:34,825 --> 00:06:36,459
They're sure to be in a good mood.
150
00:06:36,493 --> 00:06:38,461
Everything is absolutely beautiful.
151
00:06:38,495 --> 00:06:40,696
This sucks, dude.
152
00:06:40,764 --> 00:06:43,699
Yeah, this food, uh, blows.
153
00:06:43,767 --> 00:06:44,800
Yo, Good Janet.
154
00:06:44,835 --> 00:06:45,868
Hi, there.
155
00:06:45,936 --> 00:06:48,037
Oh, huh, gimme some jalapeño poppers.
156
00:06:48,105 --> 00:06:51,474
Sure, quick question:
what is a "jalapeño"?
157
00:06:51,508 --> 00:06:52,775
Also: what is a "poppers"?
158
00:06:52,809 --> 00:06:54,610
Also: what is "jalapeño poppers"?
159
00:06:54,645 --> 00:06:57,980
Oops, sorry, guys.
Uh, see, in the confusion,
160
00:06:58,015 --> 00:07:01,317
Janet got rebooted,
so she hasn't quite uploaded
161
00:07:01,351 --> 00:07:03,653
all of the info she usually knows.
162
00:07:06,056 --> 00:07:07,490
That's hilarious.
163
00:07:07,524 --> 00:07:09,358
She's almost as stupid as people.
164
00:07:09,393 --> 00:07:13,329
Oh, hey now, come on.
Let's not insult people, please.
165
00:07:13,363 --> 00:07:14,964
Uh, I'm Michael,
166
00:07:14,998 --> 00:07:19,035
I love, uh, idiot humans!
167
00:07:19,069 --> 00:07:21,037
I gotta admit...
that does sound like me.
168
00:07:21,071 --> 00:07:24,340
"I got to admit...
that does sound like me."
169
00:07:24,374 --> 00:07:27,677
Oh, nailed it again.
170
00:07:27,711 --> 00:07:28,744
Go get me a drink.
171
00:07:28,812 --> 00:07:30,546
Yes, of course.
172
00:07:33,050 --> 00:07:36,752
Aw, man, this is gonna make
a primo dump later on.
173
00:07:38,522 --> 00:07:40,122
Well, that looks delicious.
What is that?
174
00:07:40,157 --> 00:07:43,492
Oh, it's Tom Yum Goong soup.
It reminds me of when I was
175
00:07:43,527 --> 00:07:45,861
in Thailand rescuing
victims of human trafficking.
176
00:07:45,896 --> 00:07:48,864
Ooh, that sounds so good.
I mean, um, the soup, not the...
177
00:07:48,899 --> 00:07:50,232
human trafficking.
178
00:07:50,267 --> 00:07:52,668
Oh, and I think your grilled
eggplant looks so good.
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00:07:52,703 --> 00:07:53,736
Should we...
180
00:07:53,770 --> 00:07:55,404
- Splitsies?
- Yeah!
181
00:07:58,075 --> 00:08:00,843
I can't believe you thought you could
pretend to be Real Eleanor.
182
00:08:00,877 --> 00:08:02,545
She's like a perfect ball of light,
183
00:08:02,579 --> 00:08:06,048
and you're like a... wet pile of mulch.
184
00:08:06,083 --> 00:08:08,918
Someone made a person
out of wet mulch and leaves
185
00:08:08,952 --> 00:08:11,787
and, like, dead slugs, and that's you.
186
00:08:11,855 --> 00:08:15,558
Whatever, it's easy when
you're just born perfect.
187
00:08:15,592 --> 00:08:18,594
My parents were both dirtbags
who split up when I was eight.
188
00:08:18,628 --> 00:08:20,529
I don't mean to eavesdrop,
but did you say
189
00:08:20,564 --> 00:08:21,897
your parents got a divorce?
190
00:08:21,932 --> 00:08:24,567
Yeah, and that kind of thing
really changes a person.
191
00:08:24,601 --> 00:08:27,903
I mean, that trauma...
It can explain away
192
00:08:27,938 --> 00:08:29,105
a lot of behavior.
193
00:08:29,139 --> 00:08:30,706
Oh, of course.
194
00:08:30,741 --> 00:08:32,742
Your parents are still
together, I guess.
195
00:08:32,776 --> 00:08:35,544
Oh, actually, um, I... I'm not sure.
196
00:08:35,579 --> 00:08:37,079
I never met my birth parents.
197
00:08:37,114 --> 00:08:38,814
They put me in an empty fish tank
198
00:08:38,882 --> 00:08:41,083
and abandoned me at
a train station in Bangladesh.
199
00:08:41,118 --> 00:08:43,552
Luckily, I was found
200
00:08:43,587 --> 00:08:46,622
and adopted by a very nice
couple, the Shellstrops...
201
00:08:46,656 --> 00:08:48,591
- Oh, thank God.
- But then they died
202
00:08:48,625 --> 00:08:50,593
when I was four... bird flu.
203
00:08:50,627 --> 00:08:52,928
- That's awful.
- Anyway, orphanage burned down,
204
00:08:52,963 --> 00:08:56,932
yadda yadda yadda, made my way
to America, yadda yadda yadda,
205
00:08:56,967 --> 00:08:59,001
learned English
from watching "Seinfeld,"
206
00:08:59,069 --> 00:09:01,904
put myself through law school,
and here I am.
207
00:09:01,938 --> 00:09:03,839
Huh. And, I'm sorry, what...
208
00:09:03,907 --> 00:09:05,508
What is it you said happened to you?
209
00:09:05,575 --> 00:09:08,144
The same thing that happens to
half of all kids in America?
210
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,614
And for you to have
gone through all that,
211
00:09:11,648 --> 00:09:14,683
and to end up
where you did, it is just...
212
00:09:14,751 --> 00:09:16,619
It's just amazing.
213
00:09:16,653 --> 00:09:20,489
Oh, man, these horndogs
are vibing like mofos.
214
00:09:20,524 --> 00:09:21,624
Am I right, Fake Eleanor?
215
00:09:21,658 --> 00:09:23,793
Please, stop calling me that.
216
00:09:23,827 --> 00:09:25,828
Oh, you got it, third wheel.
217
00:09:27,531 --> 00:09:29,532
Yeah, that wine's no good.
I'm sending it back.
218
00:09:35,087 --> 00:09:36,121
Hey, Janet.
219
00:09:37,123 --> 00:09:38,490
You look sad.
220
00:09:38,524 --> 00:09:41,493
People keep asking me questions
that I don't know the answers to.
221
00:09:41,527 --> 00:09:44,296
That was my whole life on Earth.
222
00:09:44,330 --> 00:09:46,798
You know, it doesn't matter
if you know things.
223
00:09:46,832 --> 00:09:49,501
All that matters
is what's in your heart.
224
00:09:49,535 --> 00:09:51,670
Thanks, Jianyu. I mean, it does matter
225
00:09:51,704 --> 00:09:54,539
if I know things, because I'm an
informational delivery system,
226
00:09:54,607 --> 00:09:57,542
and I don't have a heart, but thanks.
227
00:09:57,610 --> 00:10:00,645
Jianyu, I know usually
you ask me questions,
228
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:02,447
but can I ask you a question?
229
00:10:02,481 --> 00:10:03,648
Sure.
230
00:10:03,683 --> 00:10:05,650
What are jalapeño poppers?
231
00:10:05,685 --> 00:10:07,018
Oh, I know this one!
232
00:10:07,053 --> 00:10:10,188
Okay, they're deep fried
jalapeños filled with cheese.
233
00:10:10,222 --> 00:10:11,523
- Hm.
- One time, at a
234
00:10:11,557 --> 00:10:13,358
Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville,
235
00:10:13,392 --> 00:10:16,161
but the nice one, not the one
above the gas station,
236
00:10:16,195 --> 00:10:18,830
I ate 50 of them in two minutes.
237
00:10:18,864 --> 00:10:21,466
Everyone at the hospital
was so impressed.
238
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:23,234
Got it. Thanks, Jianyu.
239
00:10:23,302 --> 00:10:24,636
You're welcome.
240
00:10:29,475 --> 00:10:30,875
Why did you do that?
241
00:10:30,910 --> 00:10:34,655
Because you're the only
person here that's nice to me.
242
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:35,680
Okay.
243
00:10:40,419 --> 00:10:42,354
Anyone up for a little, uh, icebreaker?
244
00:10:42,388 --> 00:10:44,356
You know, I once did trust falls
with Barry Diller,
245
00:10:44,390 --> 00:10:46,524
and it was the beginning
of a lifelong friendship.
246
00:10:46,559 --> 00:10:49,327
And then once we trust each
other, then we can discuss
247
00:10:49,362 --> 00:10:51,162
making a deal for Fake Eleanor.
248
00:10:51,197 --> 00:10:53,098
This sucks. How do you guys eat
249
00:10:53,165 --> 00:10:55,100
without listening to hard-core porn?
250
00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:57,235
Oh, come on, this is the Good Place,
251
00:10:57,269 --> 00:10:58,770
you can do anything you want.
252
00:10:58,838 --> 00:11:02,407
What about throwing a rager
and totally trashing this place?
253
00:11:02,441 --> 00:11:04,209
Whoo-hoo, yeah, I'd be into that.
254
00:11:04,243 --> 00:11:06,244
Mm, we could totally go to town.
255
00:11:06,278 --> 00:11:09,214
You know, I actually don't
think that's such a good idea.
256
00:11:09,248 --> 00:11:10,415
Let's party!
257
00:11:11,912 --> 00:11:13,978
Oh, my God!
258
00:11:17,306 --> 00:11:21,676
So, um, Chidi tells me that
he's teaching you about ethics.
259
00:11:21,744 --> 00:11:24,579
Yeah, actually,
we've had some interesting
260
00:11:24,613 --> 00:11:27,315
and in-depth classes.
He taught me about Plato
261
00:11:27,349 --> 00:11:29,317
- and Socrates, Immanuel Kant...
- Yeah, cool, shut up.
262
00:11:29,351 --> 00:11:32,253
Let's cut to the chase here...
You two go to Poundtown?
263
00:11:32,288 --> 00:11:34,656
Poundtown, bro. You two bang it out?
264
00:11:34,690 --> 00:11:37,258
She hot for teach?
Did you pork the dork?
265
00:11:37,293 --> 00:11:39,461
C'mon, girl, dish me dem dirty deets.
266
00:11:39,495 --> 00:11:41,763
I assure you, our relationship
267
00:11:41,797 --> 00:11:43,431
was "teacher-student," nothing more.
268
00:11:43,466 --> 00:11:46,367
Chidi, you don't have to
explain anything to me.
269
00:11:46,435 --> 00:11:49,971
Whatever happened before I
arrived is none of my business.
270
00:11:50,005 --> 00:11:51,973
Hey, I'd love to see
the rest of the neighborhood.
271
00:11:52,007 --> 00:11:53,842
Uh, yes, it's... it's incredible.
272
00:11:53,876 --> 00:11:56,511
Um, there's an amazing library,
there's a beautiful,
273
00:11:56,545 --> 00:11:58,613
piranha-free lake.
274
00:11:58,647 --> 00:12:00,682
Well, please, show me everything.
275
00:12:00,716 --> 00:12:02,350
You ready, Eleanor?
276
00:12:02,384 --> 00:12:05,520
I've seen it all already.
You guys go ahead.
277
00:12:05,554 --> 00:12:07,989
You'd rather be alone with him?
278
00:12:08,023 --> 00:12:10,391
Fire in the hole...
watch your heads, ladies.
279
00:12:10,459 --> 00:12:13,194
My dudes tend to
boomerang around the room.
280
00:12:13,229 --> 00:12:16,631
Yeah, I mean,
I don't need to walk around
281
00:12:16,665 --> 00:12:19,868
and nerd out about old books. I'm good.
282
00:12:21,737 --> 00:12:22,737
Okay.
283
00:12:25,407 --> 00:12:26,998
Hey, a bunch of us are gonna go see
284
00:12:27,029 --> 00:12:29,310
"Spider-Man 2" tonight.
Do you want to come?
285
00:12:29,345 --> 00:12:31,246
They made a second "Spider-Man"?
286
00:12:31,313 --> 00:12:33,248
What is there left to say?
287
00:12:33,315 --> 00:12:34,549
Sure, whatever, I'm in.
288
00:12:34,583 --> 00:12:36,072
Cool, okay, well, I'll get tickets
289
00:12:36,097 --> 00:12:38,419
for the eight of us, and you can just
pay me back in cash.
290
00:12:38,487 --> 00:12:39,821
So you can get all the points
291
00:12:39,855 --> 00:12:42,257
on your credit card,
and the rest of us get screwed?
292
00:12:42,324 --> 00:12:43,424
- No way.
- No, it's just so
293
00:12:43,492 --> 00:12:45,393
we can all get tickets
before they sell out.
294
00:12:45,427 --> 00:12:46,594
Do you want to buy them?
295
00:12:46,662 --> 00:12:48,363
So you guys can never pay me back,
296
00:12:48,397 --> 00:12:49,864
and I'll be out like 80 bucks?
297
00:12:49,899 --> 00:12:53,601
Nice try. I'll buy my own ticket.
298
00:12:53,669 --> 00:12:55,603
The rest of the group
can do whatever they want.
299
00:12:58,607 --> 00:13:00,008
Where did she end up?
300
00:13:03,445 --> 00:13:07,282
Bought it with points, baby. My points.
301
00:13:09,418 --> 00:13:12,253
I think I need to find
a new place to live.
302
00:13:12,288 --> 00:13:14,455
Oh... no, no, no, no.
303
00:13:14,523 --> 00:13:16,024
Don't... Don't...
304
00:13:16,058 --> 00:13:17,592
All right. Ha.
305
00:13:17,626 --> 00:13:20,595
Want a bump?
306
00:13:20,629 --> 00:13:22,630
No, thank you, I... I don't use cocaine.
307
00:13:22,698 --> 00:13:26,467
Oh, it's not cocaine, idiot.
We're snorting time.
308
00:13:26,535 --> 00:13:28,770
Sorry... you're snorting
the concept of time?
309
00:13:28,804 --> 00:13:30,872
Yeah, it'll fork you up.
310
00:13:30,906 --> 00:13:34,375
Yo, monk dude,
you know how to tap a keg?
311
00:13:34,410 --> 00:13:37,412
- Karaoke time!
- Whoo!
312
00:13:37,446 --> 00:13:39,480
Dana, baby, what do you wanna do?
313
00:13:39,548 --> 00:13:42,325
Okay, Mussolini's speech?
Ooh, the Mel Gibson rant?
314
00:13:42,350 --> 00:13:44,786
- That's a classic.
- Classic... Ooh, let's do
315
00:13:44,820 --> 00:13:48,247
- the Nixon Tapes... that's my jam!
- Yeah!
316
00:13:48,272 --> 00:13:49,416
"What you always have to
317
00:13:49,441 --> 00:13:51,676
"remember about the Irish
is they get mean.
318
00:13:51,710 --> 00:13:53,711
"Virtually every Irish
I've known gets mean
319
00:13:53,779 --> 00:13:55,854
when he drinks."
320
00:13:56,115 --> 00:13:57,515
Whoo!
321
00:13:57,549 --> 00:13:59,384
Michael, tell them to stop.
322
00:13:59,451 --> 00:14:01,953
Oh, I think I made it pretty
clear that I don't approve.
323
00:14:01,987 --> 00:14:04,055
Hey, idiot. Dance.
324
00:14:04,123 --> 00:14:05,156
You got it.
325
00:14:05,190 --> 00:14:08,117
"Oh, it's about damn
time that the Jew in America realizes
326
00:14:08,142 --> 00:14:10,395
he's an American first
and a Jew second."
327
00:14:10,462 --> 00:14:13,398
I lighted him on fire,
328
00:14:13,465 --> 00:14:14,732
and he never spoke again.
329
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:18,369
You know, maybe I'm not
as great as Real Eleanor,
330
00:14:18,404 --> 00:14:20,405
but I'm better than I used to be.
331
00:14:20,472 --> 00:14:24,575
I'm medium-good. Why haven't you forkers
332
00:14:24,643 --> 00:14:26,477
invented a medium place?
333
00:14:26,512 --> 00:14:29,945
Look, I know you've been
trying to become a "better person,"
334
00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:31,908
I mean, you didn't
want to get caught. I get it.
335
00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:34,185
But I read your file...
336
00:14:34,219 --> 00:14:36,688
You don't belong here.
337
00:14:36,722 --> 00:14:38,022
I mean, she spent her weekends
338
00:14:38,057 --> 00:14:40,058
breaking up dog fighting rings.
339
00:14:40,092 --> 00:14:42,694
You once saw a meter maid
writing you a ticket,
340
00:14:42,728 --> 00:14:45,697
and you barked like a dog
till she ran away.
341
00:14:45,731 --> 00:14:48,933
I mean, honestly, you'll be
happier in the Bad Place.
342
00:14:49,001 --> 00:14:50,935
I mean, don't get me wrong,
you'll be miserable.
343
00:14:51,003 --> 00:14:54,572
We will torture you,
but you'll also be happier
344
00:14:54,606 --> 00:14:57,542
because you won't have to keep
trying to fit in somewhere
345
00:14:57,576 --> 00:14:59,510
you just don't belong.
346
00:15:02,881 --> 00:15:03,915
A'ight.
347
00:15:05,217 --> 00:15:06,684
Let's go.
348
00:15:06,719 --> 00:15:09,921
Okay, hold on, I have to ask:
is this thing gonna happen?
349
00:15:09,955 --> 00:15:12,190
- You and me?
- Ew, no, gross.
350
00:15:12,224 --> 00:15:14,885
Okay, you know I had to ask, babe.
351
00:15:21,693 --> 00:15:23,828
Oh, Tahani, I'm so sorry.
352
00:15:23,862 --> 00:15:26,931
I will obviously clean all of this up.
353
00:15:26,999 --> 00:15:28,699
I don't care about the house, Michael.
354
00:15:28,734 --> 00:15:31,502
I'm just upset that you
let them walk all over you.
355
00:15:31,537 --> 00:15:35,773
I know... they're the only thing
in the Universe that scares me.
356
00:15:35,841 --> 00:15:37,041
I know what I have to do.
357
00:15:37,075 --> 00:15:39,944
I just have to be... more accommodating.
358
00:15:40,012 --> 00:15:42,847
Offer them everything they want,
give in to all of their demands,
359
00:15:42,881 --> 00:15:44,515
and then they'll have to respect me.
360
00:15:44,550 --> 00:15:47,618
No, you need to stand up for yourself.
361
00:15:47,686 --> 00:15:49,453
I'm going to tell you
the same thing that I told
362
00:15:49,521 --> 00:15:52,390
Mark Zuckerberg right before
he ousted Eduardo Saverin.
363
00:15:52,424 --> 00:15:55,560
You are smart, you are capable,
and the time has come
364
00:15:55,594 --> 00:15:58,896
to hit "unfriend." I also told Mark
365
00:15:58,931 --> 00:16:01,799
to lose the "the". Just "Facebook."
366
00:16:01,867 --> 00:16:03,734
That was me.
367
00:16:13,478 --> 00:16:14,912
Oh...
368
00:16:14,947 --> 00:16:16,547
Oh, my head.
369
00:16:16,582 --> 00:16:18,115
Here, drink this.
370
00:16:18,150 --> 00:16:19,650
How am I hung over?
371
00:16:19,718 --> 00:16:21,886
I thought there were no hangovers here.
372
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:25,089
Well, the Bad Place Crew
requested the hangover filter
373
00:16:25,123 --> 00:16:28,392
be turned off. They like them.
374
00:16:28,427 --> 00:16:31,095
So, Michael said we're meeting
at Tahani's place in an hour
375
00:16:31,129 --> 00:16:33,931
for a negotiation session.
We'll walk over together?
376
00:16:35,834 --> 00:16:37,835
You don't have to come, man. I'm good.
377
00:16:37,903 --> 00:16:41,739
Just hang out with Real Eleanor
and name constellations
378
00:16:41,773 --> 00:16:43,841
after each other,
or whatever it is nerds do.
379
00:16:43,909 --> 00:16:45,409
I'm fine on my own.
380
00:16:45,444 --> 00:16:48,512
Yeah, Eleanor, just because
we have a new guest in the house
381
00:16:48,580 --> 00:16:51,749
doesn't mean I'm not still
gonna be there for you.
382
00:16:51,783 --> 00:16:53,951
I'm in this. We're a team.
383
00:16:56,121 --> 00:16:58,623
So you've been temping
for us for a year now,
384
00:16:58,657 --> 00:17:00,424
and we want to bring you
aboard permanently.
385
00:17:00,459 --> 00:17:02,593
We think you'd be a great
addition to the team.
386
00:17:02,628 --> 00:17:05,463
Yeah, no. Uh, I'm good.
387
00:17:05,497 --> 00:17:07,598
You're turning it down?
388
00:17:07,633 --> 00:17:11,535
I just don't think
I'm really one of you guys.
389
00:17:11,603 --> 00:17:13,704
You're all obsessed
with this place, man.
390
00:17:13,772 --> 00:17:16,707
You love working here and
talking about working here,
391
00:17:16,775 --> 00:17:19,477
and you all hang out
like some kind of cult.
392
00:17:19,511 --> 00:17:21,612
We hang out after work
because we're friends.
393
00:17:21,647 --> 00:17:23,114
I know. It's weird.
394
00:17:23,148 --> 00:17:24,615
If this is how you really feel,
395
00:17:24,650 --> 00:17:26,217
I... I think I have to fire you.
396
00:17:26,285 --> 00:17:28,786
Severance pay. Love it.
397
00:17:28,820 --> 00:17:29,987
Good looking out, boss.
398
00:17:31,857 --> 00:17:33,224
Peace!
399
00:17:33,292 --> 00:17:35,132
You need me to lie
to old people and scare them
400
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,794
into buying fake allergy medicine.
401
00:17:36,828 --> 00:17:38,829
I get it, man. Which one's my desk?
402
00:17:38,864 --> 00:17:40,364
That one, over there.
403
00:17:40,399 --> 00:17:42,633
All you gotta do is hit your
minimal sales target every week.
404
00:17:42,668 --> 00:17:44,802
Cool. And you guys don't have
405
00:17:44,836 --> 00:17:47,905
any lame, mandatory
office hangouts, right?
406
00:17:47,973 --> 00:17:49,240
Hell no.
407
00:17:49,308 --> 00:17:50,948
Some people go out
for a drink after work,
408
00:17:50,976 --> 00:17:52,677
and I like to run
the occasional group drill
409
00:17:52,711 --> 00:17:54,845
to see how fast we can
shred evidence, but that's it.
410
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,881
Most days, you'll be able
to avoid even talking
411
00:17:56,915 --> 00:17:57,915
to another person here.
412
00:17:57,983 --> 00:18:00,484
Perfect. Happy to be a part
of the not-team.
413
00:18:00,519 --> 00:18:02,653
It'll be a pleasure
not hanging out with you.
414
00:18:04,022 --> 00:18:06,724
All right, let's begin negotiations.
415
00:18:06,758 --> 00:18:09,660
Now, we would like to discuss
various trades that we could...
416
00:18:09,695 --> 00:18:11,195
Oh, yeah, we're not negotiating.
417
00:18:11,229 --> 00:18:14,165
See, Fake Eleanor and I,
we bro-ed down pretty hard
418
00:18:14,199 --> 00:18:16,200
last night. We hooked up.
419
00:18:16,234 --> 00:18:17,668
No, we didn't.
420
00:18:17,703 --> 00:18:21,739
Yeah, but who are they
gonna believe... me or a woman?
421
00:18:23,742 --> 00:18:25,076
Point is she knows
422
00:18:25,110 --> 00:18:27,278
that she doesn't belong here,
and she's giving up.
423
00:18:29,081 --> 00:18:30,281
Is this true?
424
00:18:30,349 --> 00:18:32,016
Fake Eleanor, are you giving up?
425
00:18:32,050 --> 00:18:33,884
Yeah, of course she is.
She knows this place
426
00:18:33,919 --> 00:18:36,087
isn't for her. Let's go, dingdong.
427
00:18:36,121 --> 00:18:37,188
Come on.
428
00:18:40,892 --> 00:18:42,526
No, I'm not leaving.
429
00:18:42,561 --> 00:18:44,562
Oh, come on, sweetheart,
we've been through this.
430
00:18:44,596 --> 00:18:47,098
You know you don't belong here.
431
00:18:47,132 --> 00:18:49,100
You're right. I don't...
432
00:18:51,970 --> 00:18:53,904
But I want to.
433
00:18:53,939 --> 00:18:57,041
I used to never want
to be a part of any group,
434
00:18:57,075 --> 00:19:01,879
but I'm a different person now
because of the person
435
00:19:01,913 --> 00:19:05,249
who helped me,
and I want to be like him.
436
00:19:05,283 --> 00:19:07,952
I want to be like
all the people who are here.
437
00:19:07,986 --> 00:19:10,087
You can, Eleanor.
438
00:19:10,122 --> 00:19:11,455
Thanks, Real Eleanor.
439
00:19:11,490 --> 00:19:14,558
Hey, if you two aren't
gonna make out, just shut up.
440
00:19:14,593 --> 00:19:15,960
Look, if you don't come with us,
441
00:19:15,994 --> 00:19:18,729
we're gonna have to turn
this matter over to Shawn.
442
00:19:18,764 --> 00:19:21,332
Oh, oh, no, um, Shawn, really?
443
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:23,734
Wha... uh, who's... Who's Shawn?
444
00:19:23,769 --> 00:19:27,071
He's the wise, eternal
Judge who sits on high,
445
00:19:27,105 --> 00:19:28,939
has the final say on all disputes
446
00:19:28,974 --> 00:19:30,608
between our two realms.
447
00:19:30,642 --> 00:19:33,010
And his name is... "Shawn"?
448
00:19:33,078 --> 00:19:35,279
Okay, look, I don't want
Shawn involved either,
449
00:19:35,313 --> 00:19:37,648
so how about you blow us away
with an offer
450
00:19:37,682 --> 00:19:38,949
so we can end this.
451
00:19:40,352 --> 00:19:41,685
Okay...
452
00:19:42,921 --> 00:19:44,355
Here's my offer.
453
00:19:47,125 --> 00:19:50,294
You... get... nothing.
454
00:19:50,328 --> 00:19:52,329
We're not letting Fake Eleanor go,
455
00:19:52,364 --> 00:19:53,864
and we're not giving you anything.
456
00:19:53,932 --> 00:19:55,099
Get him, Michael!
457
00:19:55,133 --> 00:19:57,768
You can summon
every evil creature you have,
458
00:19:57,803 --> 00:20:00,771
every weapon in your arsenal,
every four-headed
459
00:20:00,806 --> 00:20:04,775
flying bear... they have them down
there... but we are not
460
00:20:04,810 --> 00:20:07,111
giving up. I believe that Eleanor
461
00:20:07,145 --> 00:20:10,114
belongs in the Good Place.
If I'm wrong, you can take her
462
00:20:10,148 --> 00:20:12,149
to the Bad Place and
punish her all you want,
463
00:20:12,184 --> 00:20:13,784
just really go to town on her.
464
00:20:13,819 --> 00:20:15,119
Gah, gah, gah, easy, buddy, easy.
465
00:20:15,153 --> 00:20:16,887
But she's staying here.
466
00:20:16,955 --> 00:20:19,657
Now, all of you...
467
00:20:19,691 --> 00:20:21,959
Get the fork out of my neighborhood.
468
00:20:25,797 --> 00:20:28,899
You're on borrowed time, Fake Eleanor.
469
00:20:28,967 --> 00:20:31,802
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Let's roll, dummies.
470
00:20:31,837 --> 00:20:33,971
Let's get one drink for the road.
471
00:20:34,005 --> 00:20:35,873
- Bye.
- Did you guys hear any of that?
472
00:20:37,342 --> 00:20:39,310
Oh, my...
473
00:20:39,344 --> 00:20:41,979
Bravo, Michael, really.
474
00:20:52,922 --> 00:20:54,623
Hello, Jianyu.
475
00:20:55,792 --> 00:20:58,627
You got sloppy. I found your junk food
476
00:20:58,661 --> 00:21:01,597
all over the house,
and then, last night,
477
00:21:01,631 --> 00:21:05,133
you knew how to tap a keg.
So I thought I would
478
00:21:05,168 --> 00:21:08,837
come in here and investigate
your little "meditation" den.
479
00:21:08,905 --> 00:21:11,974
What I found was this.
480
00:21:12,008 --> 00:21:15,611
Now, I don't know who you are,
481
00:21:15,645 --> 00:21:17,913
but I do know that you're not
482
00:21:17,947 --> 00:21:20,146
a Buddhist monk.
483
00:21:20,171 --> 00:21:22,368
So let's chat, shall we?
484
00:21:22,392 --> 00:21:27,392
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com