-Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show, "Dancing with the Stars,"
Wayne Brady;
dancing in the dark, Jeff Davis;
dancing baby, Colin Mochrie;
and dancing queen, it's Ryan Stiles.
And I'm Aisha Tyler.
Let's have some fun!
Hi, everybody. Welcome.
Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
The show where everything is made up.
The points, they don't matter.
We've got a great show for you tonight,
so let's get started with a game we call "Weird Newscasters."
This is for all four of our performers.
Gentlemen, come on down.
In this game, Colin is the anchor of a news program.
Jeff, Ryan, and Wayne are his co-anchors,
and each of whom has a rather odd personality.
Jeff is the co-anchor who's also an amorous, loving,
affectionate potter working at his wheel on new pot Colin.
Wayne is gonna be the sportscaster
who's also an army cadet
who thinks the studio is an assault course
that he is training on.
And Ryan is the weather forecaster
who's also having furious arguments
with members of his family in the studio.
Whenever you are ready, gentlemen.
Have at thee.
Welcome to the 6:00 news.
I'm your anchor, Earl With-The-Dragon-Tattoo.
Our top story... a couple was arrested
in the India's tallest building
for doing as many positions in the Kama Sutra
as possible in the elevator.
Said one policeman,
"It was wrong on so many levels."
Let's see what's happening in the rest of the world
with Derry.
-Ooh.
Oh, yes.
Oh, oh, yes.
Yes.
Shh.
Little water.
She's no Demi.
It'll have to do.
- Could've bought me dinner first.
Let's see what's happening in the world of sports.
- Yes, sir! Cadet Johnson reporting, sir!
I'm here to tell you all about what's happening
in college football. The latest,
it appears that there's gonna be 15 teams
vying for the latest...
...latest titles.
Someone's gonna have to win the season.
Someone's gonna have to do it.
It's gonna have to happen. It's got to happen.
It's gonna happen, but we don't know when.
Impossible.
We don't understand exactly.
-I made a pot.
- Let's see what's happening in weather with Lumpy Guru.
-Thank you, Colin.
Check the weather for the weekend.
Got rain coming in on the weekend, which is just fine
because I have nothing planned with the family,
'cause everyone's arguing.
They're all here in the studio this evening with me.
Mom, where are you?
There she is, back there.
Mom, come down here I need to make up with you.
Mom, Mom, come here.
You raised your hand. Come here.
Dad? Dad where are you?!
Dad, come here, Dad.
Come here, Dad.
This is my...
This is my mother, Irene. - Hello. Yes.
-This is my father, Albert.
And also my... my three brothers are here.
Jim... Jim, Jack, Phil, come down here, if you will, please.
And...
And I think what's causing the argument
probably is the fact that we have three brothers.
But that man!
Thinks he's part of the family.
Come here, Jerry.
Even though we argue,
this family shares something a lot of families can't.
We have a family song
that we sing every Christmas.
Don't laugh!
Richie's always been the joker of the family.
Let's sing the family song. Just the first verse is fine.
Remember our last name is Stiles.
I'll see you guys after the show.
Mom, Mom, give me a hug, Mom.
-Bye, son.
Mom, give me another hug.
- Well, that's all time we have for news.
Goodnight... and good news.
Never seen anyone twice as old as their mother and father.
-Or twice as tall.
Or twice as white.
500 points to that lady for turning out a big Caucasian guy.
-We're all family. -Whoo!
- We're all family. - That's right!
-We're all family.
-Now, my friends,
it's time for a game called "Hoedown!"
This is where all of our performers
with Laura Hall at the piano.
So what I need from the audience is a suggestion.
I need a suggestion that I hope I'm gonna get to use!
And I would like a suggestions
for a type of restaurant that you might eat at.
Ohh!
Alright, I actually did hear Mexican,
so we're gonna go with Mexican food, alright?
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear the Mexican food hoedown.
- Hey, don't go away! We'll be back with more
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?" right after these messages.
Thank you.
- Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
And now we're gonna move on to a game called "Infomercial."
This game is for Ryan and Colin. Come on down.
Grab your box of fun. In this game,
our boys are gonna be trying to sell their audience
some utterly useless items.
And you've got them there,
and you're gonna be selling a kit
to help a person get a better night's sleep.
When you're ready, take it away.
-Hey, what's up? -Huh? Oh, man.
I'm sorry Colin. Oh, we're on the air.
-Yeah. Hey, you look like
you're not getting enough sleep at night.
- I didn't sleep a wink last night.
- Then have we got something for you!
-I did sleep. -Ha, he's lying!
He's a big liar! - But it is a big problem
with a lot of people. - Yes, the technical term
is insomnia. - Really? What's that mean?
- It means I can't sleep at night.
-Oh.
- Here is something that I think you will be amazed at.
-Oh. -This deadens...
-Oh, my God! Are you alright?
-No, I'm fine, I'm fine. Wow.
It immediately cuts off... - The hell happened?
- You were explaining this. - It cuts off all the oxygen...
-Oh, no, geez. -Oh.
- I'm not gonna even put that on you anymore.
-No, but that's the quick way,
although it has been shown to cause hemorrhoids.
- You know, a lot of people can't sleep because they
haven't got the right pillow. That's a big problem.
- That is a big problem. - That's why we introduced...
the wheel pillow. -That's right.
- A lot of people flip and flop in bed all night.
I'm on my left side, and I'm on my right side.
This way, you can constantly move all night.
-Or...
...like that.
-You know, Col. -What?
- A lot of times people don't know it's nighttime.
Is it daytime right now, or...
right now?
- I don't know, it's hard to think
with all the cuts on my scalp!
Yeah, I guess it's nighttime.
- A good sense of humor will help you fall asleep.
- That's right, and if you don't fall asleep
for a long time, what happens?
- I don't know how to assign points for that, so...
- We have so many points already. - You do.
You guys are loaded.
Next up is a game called "Scenes From A Hat."
This is for all my performers.
Ryan and Colin there. Wayne and Jeff, you are here.
Now, before the show we asked our audience
to right down some scenes they'd like to see acted out
by our gentlemen performers. I've got the suggestions
in this hat. I'm gonna read them out.
And if you are ready, gentlemen, here's the first one.
Strange lines to hear in a war movie.
-If I don't make it back,
it'll be because I'm dead.
- We will defend this hill no matter the cost!
- Oh, we have ways of getting people to talk.
- Things you should not turn into a competition.
-Yo!
-Ready. -Yep.
-Set. Go.
- Oh.
- Let the head licking competition begin!
-Things you can say on a farm
that you cannot say about your partner.
-What a great hoe.
-It's been dry for five years.
They say that nothing's gonna grow,
but I keep putting my seed in it, and I will not give up.
- Uh-oh, looks like my cock got out again.
It's a rooster.
-What news anchors are saying
when they're shuffling their papers.
- And we'll be right back after this.
Oh, I wish I could strangle you in your sleep.
You're horrible to look at. You're just a vile person.
You really are just... - What is wrong with you, Tad?
-Okay, there's more "Whose Line"
coming after these messages.
You know what to do.
- Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
And we're gonna move on to a game called "Greatest Hits."
This is a game for all four of performers
with the help Laura Hall and Linda Taylor
on piano and guitar. Ryan and Colin
are two television voice-over personalities.
They're talking about the latest compilation album.
Wayne and Jeff are gonna sing snippets
of the songs on the album.
And what I need from the audience right now
is an exciting American city.
How about San Francisco.
So, we're gonna do an album
entitled "Songs of San Francisco."
Take it away, boys.
-Hi, we'll be right back
to our game show based on the movie "Deliverance,"
"Let's Make a Squeal" in just a second.
-Aloha, San Francisco.
- Wow, I didn't know you spoke San Franciscan.
-I do.
-One of the great songs on this
is sung by an unusual pairing you may think...
Johnny Cash and Yoko Ono.
-Oh!
-Way to "yes and."
So, please,
just sit back and enjoy this incredible song,
"Tale of the Fog Bandit."
Hello, everybody.
I'm Johnny Cash.
Well, there's a sad song that happened in San Francisco about,
I don't know, 80 years ago.
It goes a little something like this.
Well, there was a man
from San Anton.
Take it, Yoko.
I deserve to be here.
-Now I understand her last name.
-Oh, no. -Oh, no.
Oh...
- I have some pair pants if you need them.
-No, I'm okay.
I was doing the hula. -Really?
- Yes, 'cause our next musical style is Hawaii,
which is just west of San Francisco.
- Interesting. - You can't drive there.
Well, you can, but you're not gonna make it very far.
- True fact. - You know when I think
San Francisco, and I think Hawaiian songs,
I think of that one. Every time
I go to the islands, it makes me cry.
That Hawaiian hit,
"I Hate Ashbury."
I hate Ashbury.
- Hey, I'm gonna tell you who won our show tonight
right after this break.
Stay where you are.
- Hi, everybody. Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
That is our show. Tonight's winner
is Mr. Wayne Brady. -Oh.
- So I'd like you to read out the credits
as the front man of a rock band on stage,
and the others are your wild band mates.
Don't break a hip, boys. Goodnight.
Alright, everybody,
thank you so much for coming back.
This has been our third time touring with Mark Leveson.
He's still alive. Jimmy Mulville on drums.
Ryan Stiles, he's an amazing promoter.
Geraldine Dowd, she's the best chick
I've ever had in my life.
One, two, three, Colin Mochrie.
...With Jeff Davis
and.
Simon and.
- Hey, wait, put your pants on, Ray Miller.
We want to thank you so much.
And stop. Will you stop?
We only have one fan.
Goodnight!
>>>>oakislandtk<<<<< www.opensubtitles.org