Drew: Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?"
On tonight's show...
Shaken, not stirred... greg proops.
With a twist of lime... wayne brady.
On the rocks... colin mochrie.
In a coconut shell with a little umbrella... ryan stiles.
I'm drew carey, your host.
Come on down and let's have some fun.
Hello.
Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?"
Where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
The points are useless,
Like keith richards to a vampire.
Ha ha ha.
Let's show you how funny it gets
By playing a game called "let's make a date."
Wayne, you're going to be appearing
On a dating-type show.
Ryan, colin, and greg are the contestants.
We've given them each a strange quirk or identity.
You have to guess who they are.
Off you go.
Bachelor number one...
Yeah.
I...
[ laughter ]
I love a man
Who is physically fit, has it in the right places.
Well, isn't that great for you?
Halle-bloody-lujah.
I'd like to know what you do
And what type of physical regimen you use
To keep your body in shape.
Well, all work and no play...
Makes for a dull time.
Bachelor number two.
Yoo-hoo!
Yeah. [ crunching ]
[ slurping ]
After I finish with a hard day's work...
Excuse me. Excuse me. I enjoy...
We're over here. We're over here.
Hey, want to get out from in front of me?
Sorry. Oh, sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry, what were you saying?
After work, I enjoy doing pottery to unwind.
How do you unwind after a long, hard day
Working 9:00 to 5:00?
Oh, you know. I don't know.
This sucks!
Bachelor number three.
Yes, I can hear you.
Come on.
When I was the darkest child
In my village in sweden growing up,
We... we used to drink
Cocoa and celebrate our ancestors
That came before us.
What did your ancestors do?
They took a bullet for me.
Well, bachelor number...
Sit down! Bachelor number one...
You're back to me, wendy. How great.
When I was a small child,
My mother told me to be with a man
Who would take care of me. How would you take care of me?
Oh, I'd take care of you real good.
Here's your boyfriend!
Bachelor number two.
Yeah. [ hacking ]
[ makes shooting sound ]
[ imitates cellular phone ringing ]
Yeah? What? I'll be there.
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
Yeah? Yeah?
Bachelor number three...
Bachelor number three, I love america.
What do you love?
I love a good cigar,
Just like my number one guy here.
[ buzzer ]
Did someone say black leather?
[ makes shooting sound ]
I don't know how you're going to guess who they are.
Bachelor number one is, uh...
Oh, my gosh.
Well, take a guess.
No... oh, jack nicholson. Jack nicholson.
Bachelor number two
Is a really rude moviegoer.
Yes.
And ryan, as bachelor number three,
Is a, um, is... is, uh,
Is secret service to the president.
Yes.
All right, that was great.
I'm going to give you 1,000 worthless points.
Let's go on to a game called "let's make a date."
Wayne, you're appearing on a dating show...
Oh, we just did that.
Excuse me. Captain alzheimer?
Go to the third card, drew.
Go to the third card.
What is...
Greg's next job?
So let's go on to a game
Called "film dub."
This is for ryan, greg, and colin.
They're going to supply their own soundtrack
To a film we picked out for them.
The scene I'd like you to improvise
Is a marriage in trouble.
You're going to make up the words for the people.
Greg: Hello, darling, how was your day?
Ryan: It wasn't very good, thank you for asking.
Did you go out shopping, get around much?
I've been busy being a mad scientist,
But you don't respect that, do you?
You just lay there and laugh at me.
Tell me where you put the rest of my body.
I've had enough of you.
I'm going to make a pizza.
I used to make pizza for you long, long ago.
Yes, and I... oh!
Colin: Buy an encyclopedia! Buy an encyclopedia!
I don't want an encyclopedia.
You must! I'm working my way through choreography school!
It's that damn neighbor kid. Ohh.
Well, now you know how I feel.
Sorry, darling, just trying to be disarming.
Drew: All right.
That was fantastic. I'm going to give you 1,000 points
'cause some idiot's keeping score
And he wants to know what the points are.
We get letters, folks.
Let's go on to a game called "film, tv, and theater styles"
For ryan, colin, and wayne.
I need different styles of television,
Styles of movies, or styles of tv.
[ shouting out suggestions ]
Porno, "star trek,"
Animal planet. Okay.
Man: South-of-the-border soap opera.
Oh, a mexican soap opera.
Novelas.
Anybody else?
Oh, "gladiator" movie. That's a good one.
Okay, we got enough. That's good.
You guys are going to start out a scene normally,
Then I'm going to make you do these different styles.
Ryan is a speeding motorist,
And you're pulled over by wayne,
A motorcycle cop... officer wayne...
Who discovers colin tied up in the back.
Ha ha ha.
That's a Friday night. As usual, yeah.
Whenever you're ready, go ahead and start.
[ imitating motor running ]
[ humming ]
[ makes radar gun noise ]
What the...
[ imitates motor running ]
[ makes siren noise ]
[ buzzer ]
Drew: Mexican soap opera.
[ makes door opening, closing sound ]
[ speaks spanish ]
Mi nombre es officer big bob.
ÿqué?
Mi nombre es officer big bob.
Bienvenido a county de orange.
[ making knocking sound ]
ÿqué? Freeze!
[ buzzer ]
Oh.
"gladiator" movie.
[ makes striking sound ]
I have finally escaped from you, gladar.
You will die!
You'll never catch me.
Quickly. Hyah! Hyah!
Hyah! Hyah!
[ buzzer ]
Drew: Porno.
[ grunts ]
Oh!
I'm sorry I broke the law.
You, are you okay?
I'm feeling much better now, officer.
[ humming porno music ]
[ buzzer ]
I don't know why I'm going to this one,
But animal planet.
[ australian accent ] I've been tracking this guy
For the last 5 miles.
He's had my good friend colin
Locked up in the back of his boot.
I'm going sneak up and wrap a rope around him.
I hope he doesn't bite me.
[ making eating noises ]
[ buzzer ]
Drew: "star trek."
It's all right. Oh, thank you.
[ buzzer ]
We'll be back with more "whose line" after this.
Don't go away.
welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?"
Where everything is made up and the points don't matter.
I had a rough night last night.
My blow-up doll ran off with my air mattress.
It was quite a night.
Moving on to a game
Called "themed restaurant." this is for all four of you.
Colin and wayne, you're two businessmen
Having a power lunch in a themed restaurant.
Greg and ryan are the maitre d' and the waiter.
The theme of the restaurant is an emergency room.
Go ahead whenever you're ready.
Wayne: Uh-huh. Right. Gotcha.
Listen, johnson, I'll make it flat.
I'll put it on the table, and you take it.
Let me call you about that. Okay, fine.
It's you.
Oh, yes, we would like...
Gentlemen, have you been served yet?
This table, stat, now!
Let's get some service over here!
Have you gotten menus yet? No, we haven't.
Did someone order wine?
Sure, I'll take some.
Is everything to your liking so far?
Well, so far.
So far? Not excited? Clear!
I need 15 hemoglobins
Of scleboglobin for this man right here.
Right. Here's our specials.
My god! You've got a spot on your lung.
What? Oh, my god.
Quick, get a liver in here.
Let's take out his. All right.
How would you like your liver done?
Uh, well? Well done?
[ makes electrical charging sounds ]
[ making heart monitor sound ]
Breathe, breathe, breathe. You're doing fine.
[ makes flline sound ]
Oh. There we go.
I just want some salad.
Salad? He needs the heimlich maneuver this instant!
Off to the salad bar! Out of the way!
[ crying ]
It's all right.
Never mind about him. He... he lost his dessert.
That's right, he lost his dessert.
Look, all I want is some chicken.
Here's your bill. It's $25,000.
What?
He's gone. He's gone.
I'm off dutyow.
Waiter!
[ buzzer ]
Drew: All right.
I'm giving you 300 points apiece for that.
I'd give you more, but I'm dipping into my own stash.
Ha ha ha.
Let's go on to a game now called "song styles"...
"greatest hits."
Man, I am one step behind...
Greg: This is for all four contestants.
Wayne will be choosing a date,
But they're not exactly what you think.
Well, let's go on
To a game called "greatest hits."
This is for colin, ryan, and wayne
With laura and linda and cece.
Colin and ryan are tv voice-over guys
Talking about the album they're trying to sell.
Wayne is going to sing the songs they make up for him.
We need a job where you wear a uniform.
Shouting out suggestions ]
Zookeeper, that's a good one.
Let's do "songs of the zookeeper."
Hi, we'll be back to your movie
"out of africa" in just a moment,
But first, have we got a deal for you.
You know, since noah, there have been songs
About animals, zoos, and zookeepers,
And we have compiled the best
Of all possible animal-related songs
On this...
A very little cd that has
Over 150,000 songs on it.
That's right, colin,
Including that number one miami...
Wait.
Apparently we have a special bonus.
It's one of drew carey's cue cards,
Which has never been read.
Some of these songs say a lot.
I remember a protest song out of the '60s
That I had on a record in the '60s.
Wow! What kind of a strange coincidence is that?
That 1960s protest song simply, simply titled...
[ imitates elephant trumpeting ]
[ folk music playing ]
♪ yeah ♪
♪ people, they say that you ♪
♪ just can't learn ♪
♪ but my best friend, he's a big pachyderm ♪
♪ oh, what can, what can I do? ♪
♪ but I'll tell you what ♪
♪ horton heard a who ♪
♪ and they go...[ trumpets ] ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪
♪ save my friends 'cause my friends go ♪
♪ [ trumpets ] ♪
♪ ooh-ooh ♪
♪ [ trumpets ] ♪
♪ save the elephant ♪
Thank you very much.
[ trumpets ]
It's wonderful, isn't it?
And if you order right now,
It'll still take four to six weeks to get it.
You know,
Animals and zookeepers have not only
Inspired the tango, the macarena,
And a waltz somewhere in pismo,
But...Who could forget the 1953...
Polka hit... Polka hit...
"beers and slavs"? "beers and slavs"?
[ polka music playing ]
All the animals! Jumpin' jiminy, come on!
[ audience clapping along ]
♪ the only way to fill the trough ♪
♪ is get all the beer, invite over the slavs ♪
♪ slavs are very fun-loving guys ♪
♪ they love to hear the animal cries ♪
♪ slavs like oink! And slavs like whoo! ♪
♪ and slavs like hunh! Hunh! Hunh! ♪
♪ but most of all when you come near ♪
♪ slavs, they love their beer, hey! Hey! ♪
Good night.
You know, colin, there's a lot
Of great artists on this cd set,
But there's only one that earns the name of diva.
I'm talking about miss diana ross
And her rendition of "please don't feed."
[ r & b music playing ]
I know...
I know when you come to the zoo,
I know you want to feed everything, but don't.
I'll hurt you.
♪ baby, baby ♪
♪ don't you know it's no bull? ♪
♪ baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ don't feed the animals ♪
♪ if you do ♪
♪ I would get real pissed ♪
♪ just like the other day ♪
♪ when I got frisked ♪
♪ don't feed the animals, not a thing ♪
♪ no, not the lion, 'cause he's the king ♪
♪ don't feed the bear 'cause he'll take off your arm ♪
♪ if you feed the hippo, you'll come to bodily harm ♪
♪ don't feed the monkeys, no matter what you do ♪
♪ he might get irate, start slinging poo ♪
♪ don't feed the giraffe 'cause he's too tall ♪
♪ I think I've got them all ♪
♪ don't feed the animals ♪
♪ stop! Feed the animals ♪
We're going to find out who the winner is after this.
welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?"
Tonight's winner is everyone but greg.
We're going to do "props" for you.
We're going to divide up.
Me and ryan are going to be together.
We got to get some props.
Ryan and drew. Wayne and colin.
We have to come up with ideas for these props,
Going back and forth,
And we'll start.
Oh, that joke is about as funny as...
[ buzzer ]
Put 'em up. Put 'em up.
[ buzzer ]
Whoo. It is cold in here.
[ buzzer ]
I would like to return my pasta maker.
[ buzzer ]
You killed the witch.
[ buzzer ]
So then I told shasheesha that she better shut her mouth
'cause she don't know nothing.
[ buzzer ]
[ making thumping sound ]
[ buzzer ]
You're not the first, madam.
We get squids stuck in vacuums every day.
[ buzzer ]
♪ I'm the song, he's the dance ♪
[ buzzer ]
Mind if I join you in the shower?
No, come on.
[ buzzer ]
I don't believe we've met.
Hi. Cat in the hat. Nice to meet you.
[ humming dramatic music ]
[ in slow motion ] oh, no!
[ buzzer ]
"titanic will never sink. Titanic will never sink."
[ buzzer ]
We'll be right back with more "whose line"
In a minute. Don't go anywhere.
Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?"
Tonight we're going to end the show
With greg and wayne reading the credits
As a hillbilly couple backstage
At "the jerry springer show."
Thanks for watching.
[ imitating a pig squealing ]
You were with denise o'donoghue.
No, I wasn't.
Yes, you were!
You was with drew carey. I saw you.
If you touch that eric wilker again...
www.addic7ed.com sinc by Gus