Good evening, everybody,
And welcome to "whose line is it anyway?"
On tonight's show... I am spartacus... wayne brady,
I am spartacus... jeff davis,
I am spartacus... colin mochrie,
And... yeah, yeah, that's spartacus...
That's the guy right there... ryan stiles,
And I'm your host drew carey.
Come on down. Let's have some fun.
Oh, hello. Thank you very much.
Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?"
The show where everything is made up
And the points don't matter.
That's right. The points are like a microphone
At a britney spears concert.
I got all kinds of jokes like that, man,
But you don't want to hear me.
Let's start off the show with a game called
"questionable impressions." this is for all four of you.
Jeff and wayne, you're going to start.
They can only ask each other questions,
And they have to do an impression at the same time,
So it always has to be a different impression
And they can only ask questions.
It's a great party game if you're ever at a party
Where there's no booze or chicks.
What I need from you
Is a place where there's a sense of urgency.
Man: Emergency room!
Kitchen. All right.
Kitchen. When you're cooking something...
Yeah, bedroom in your house.
Uh, okay, go ahead. "questionable impressions."
You're in a kitchen. Start whenever you're ready.
[ imitating christopher walken ]
Mom, are you done with the pie or what?
Are we going to eat today?
[ imitating bill cosby ] tell me...
Do you think that you could tell me
Where all the jello is?
Why don't you try looking for yourself?
Why do you speak to your mother like that?
I'm going to leave.
[ buzzer ]
And just what do you think you're doing, young man?
[ imitating richard nixon ] do I look like a cook?
Have you been putting a tap on mommy's phone lines again?
Would I do something like that?
[ buzzer ]
[ imitating humphrey bogart ] do you want a hill of beans?
Who the hell are you trying to do?
What's with the smart mouth?
[ buzzer ]
[ imitating arnold schwarzenegger ]
Can't you see the kitchen is on fire?
Get out!
[ buzzer ]
[ imitating billy dee williams ]
Have you seen the colt malt liquor?
Do you want to live?
Calm down, buddy. Why you so mad?
Try this.
[ buzzer ]
Almost had it, almost had it.
[ imitating craig t. Nelson ]
Do you have anything for craig t. Nelson?
[ buzzer ]
Do you know I was in "coach"?
I think that pot... oh.
[ buzzer ]
Uh, mother, why, uh, why, uh...
I am jeff goldblum, of course... why, uh,
Why is it that you continue to cook food
That the family doesn't like,
And, uh, isn't healthy... and isn't healthy?
Why, mother?
I don't know.
[ buzzer ]
[ imitating redd foxx ]
Where are the eggs, you big dummy?
[ buzzer ]
Thank you very much.
1,000 points to colin
For his masterful impression of craig t. Nelson.
Man.
That was just fantastic.
I never... is he canadian... is that why?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that explains it all.
Now we go to a game called "film, tv, and theater styles."
This is for ryan, colin, and wayne.
[ audience applauding ]
Yeah, go ahead and applaud. What's going to happen...
They're going to act out a scene, but first...
I need from the audience your favorite style
Of television show, film, or theater.
[ audience shouting ]
Fellini, western,
Shakespeare,
Horror, passion play.
Man: "the drew carey show"!
I'll see what happens.
Woody allen.
I'll put kung fu movie for the chinese movie.
Okay, we got a lot, so let's start as normal,
And then I'll buzz in with these styles later.
The scene is... ryan and colin are two fishermen
Landing and gutting fish on a trawler
When wayne... the captain...
Spots the storm of the century approaching.
You can take it away whenever you're ready.
[ makes vomiting noise ]
[ makes chopping noise ]
[ makes vomiting noise ]
Okay, okay.
Argh! You two...
I have just noticed off the west wing...
What, captain?
I haven't been a captain very long.
It appears a storm is coming...
The storm of the century.
[ buzzer ]
Shakespeare.
The storm of a century.
Once every 100 years does it come.
If I were a man with gills,
I would be a fish.
Oh, foul wind that does blow
And waves that do crest.
Oh, sorry.
[ buzzer ]
Fellini.
Every time... the boat... it gets longer,
But my eyesight is shorter.
I want a fat prostitute.
[ buzzer ]
Hey, don't we all?
Uh, woody allen.
[ imitating woody allen ]
If you guys don't leave me alone,
I'll be forced to take my wife and leave you.
I'm crazy like that.
[ buzzer ]
Horror movie.
Oh, my god,
That was a horrible impression.
What was that?
Nothing, captain, nothing.
No. Thank you for doing your impressions
While the storm is... look at that wave!
Look at how dark it's getting.
[ buzzer ]
Kung fu!
Wayne: Someone must combat the wave!
Quick... we'd better use our drunken anti-style.
Oh, no, you didn't.
No, you better get back.
[ buzzer ]
Thank you very much.
1,000 points to wayne for his great woody allen.
The impressions ability on this cast is... it's great.
I think craig t. Nelson and woody allen
Ought to do a movie together.
Let's go on to a game called "irish drinking song."
This is for all four of you,
And, uh, they're going to sing for you
An irish drinking song one line at a time
With the help of laura hall on the piano... laura hall.
What I need from the audience
Is a suggestion of something that would happen to you
That you would want to keep secret.
Man: Lobotomy!
Lobotomy.
Let's hear the lobotomy...
This ought to be good...
The lobotomy irish drinking song.
Take it away.
All: ♪ oh, hi, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di ♪
♪ I had a lobotomy ♪
♪ and now I'm not so nuts ♪
♪ they took away half my brain ♪
♪ now I eat cigarette butts ♪
♪ I am not too bright ♪
♪ now I'm kind of sane ♪
♪ I am really stupid ♪
♪ hey, is that the rain? ♪
♪ oh, hi, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di ♪
♪ I used to go down on the street ♪
♪ I used to have a scar ♪
♪ now I ask for money ♪
♪ and I chase cars... ruff, ruff ♪
♪ but when I come into your town ♪
♪ I like to shout a lot ♪
♪ I run around and scream a lot ♪
♪ wow, this is hot ♪
♪ oh, hi, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di ♪
♪ oh, I feel much better ♪
♪ I think I'll go back home ♪
♪ and then after I'm finished ♪
♪ I'll marry a lawn gnome ♪
♪ boy, that would be so beautiful ♪
♪ as happy as can be ♪
♪ because I don't care too much, you see ♪
♪ for my lobotomy ♪
All: ♪ oh, hi, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di ♪
♪ I really need a job now ♪
♪ I look in the paper ♪
♪ but I can't never find nothing ♪
♪ I have a scraper ♪
♪ but I'll keep on looking ♪
♪ I look until I can't see ♪
♪ if you want someone who's nuts ♪
♪ be a host on tv ♪
♪ oh, hi, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di, de, di ♪
[ buzzer ]
That was great. We'll go see a commercial.
We'll be right back
With more "whose line is it anyway?"
Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?"
The show where everything is made up
And the points don't matter.
I just want to give a plug to colin's new show.
It's a combination of "sex and the city,"
"caroline in the city," and "the price is right."
It's called "I'll have sex with caroline in the city
If the price is right."
Is that true?
We're going to move on with a game called "duet."
This is for jeff and wayne
With the help of laura hall and linda taylor
On piano and guitar.
What is your name?
Jill.
Jill, what do you do for a living?
I sell tickets at dodger stadium.
Okay, she's unemployed. Come on down here, jill.
Say hi to jeff and wayne. This is jill.
Uh, that's jill.
Claims she sells tickets at dodger stadium.
You guys are going to sing a song to her,
But I want you to sing it like the rat pack,
So whenever you're ready, take it away
With a rat pack number to jill the ticket seller.
[ imitating frank sinatra ] ♪ now, who's that chick? ♪
♪ man, tell you, fellow ♪
♪ I've never seen daryl hannah as a ticket seller ♪
♪ she's the kind of chick that I know so well ♪
♪ at dodger stadium ♪
♪ I bet there's been a dry spell ♪
[ imitating dean martin ] ♪ oh, baby ♪
♪ where do I begin? ♪
♪ I'd love to see you ♪
♪ but the dodgers don't ever win ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪ I'd love to sit next to you at a game someday ♪
♪ have a dodger dog, and then I'd say ♪
[ imitating sammy davis jr. ]
♪ oh, it's a shame when you're selling tickets ♪
♪ and no one will come ♪
♪ I'd buy a ticket... man, that's what I would do ♪
♪ because I've never seen a ticket seller look like you ♪
♪ I'd rather look at you than look at that game ♪
♪ the dodger games... they're all the same ♪
♪ I'd rather sit and buy tickets from you ♪
♪ I know that I would buy a little ticket... ♪
♪ I'd put mustard on my hot dog ♪
♪ and buy a beer ♪
[ music stops ]
[ buzzer ]
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you, jill.
Thank you. Jill, everybody.
Thank you, jill.
♪ buy a beer ♪
That was one of the outtakes.
Yeah. Suddenly the song is over.
Hey, that's okay. 1,000 points to each of you.
That was great, and thank you, jill.
Let's go on to a game called "news flash."
Jeff and ryan are going to be news anchors in a studio.
Colin is going to be in the field
As a reporter covering a breaking news story.
He doesn't know what the story is
Or what's behind him
'cause he's standing in front of a green screen.
What we do is magically make an image come on there
That colin can't see.
Jeff and ryan are going to give him little hints,
So whenever you're ready, ryan and jeff, off to you.
Why do they call it a thong?
I don't know.
Oh, we interrupt this program for a special news bulletin.
Right now we have our man colin mochrie
Standing out in the field with some late-breaking news.
Can you give us any reports as to what's going on exactly?
I am sorry, jeff. It is a madhouse here.
I'm barely hanging on.
I have never felt this much in danger.
Ryan: Look...
Jeff: Now, colin... colin, can you...
[ audience screaming ]
Colin... colin, can you give us any idea
As to how the thing started happening?
This all apparently started when...
[ audience screams ]
There was a rumor that kathie lee was coming back.
Audience: Oh!
Ryan: Colin, it looks...
What have you done to protect yourself in there?
Saran wrap.
[ audience screaming ]
Jeff: Now, colin, colin, colin,
I'm beginning to worry about your...
I'm beginning to worry about your safety in there, colin.
I'm a little worried myself, but I'm holding it together
Because this is a story that must be told.
Look at this. Try to keep your eyes on it.
It may repulse you, but keep staring.
Now, colin...
Colin, we're kind of losing you, colin,
Because the antennas on our van are kind of failing.
We can't quite catch you right now.
The antennas aren't working.
Well...
That's too bad.
Colin, they seem pretty well-organized.
Well, yes.
They have a very good union.
Colin... colin, I don't see any end of this in sight.
It seems like this might go on even after a nuclear holocaust.
Oh, I'm telling you...
This sort of thing just would make you sick.
I myself...
[ audience applauding ]
Ryan: He seems to be handling it.
[ buzzer ]
Well, colin, think you got it?
What is it?
A lot of cockroaches.
Yes.
Lots of cockroaches. Yuck.
1,000 points to the roaches.
Trying to make friends with them now
Before the nuclear bomb hits.
Let's go on to a game called "hoedown"
With the help of laura hall on the piano.
Uh, what I need from the audience
Is a suggestion of a glamorous profession.
Man: Cowboy!
[ audience shouting ]
Astronaut.
Uh, so let's hear the astronaut hoedown.
♪ let me tell you something, my girlfriend, I was a slob ♪
♪ but now look who's laughing... astronaut is my job ♪
♪ flying around the universe... that is my duty ♪
♪ I even made a pit stop on mars and got some martian booty ♪
♪ well, I work for nasa, and it is a great place ♪
♪ they let me take my girlfriend up into outer space ♪
♪ and now we're all alone up there ♪
♪ and she sure knows how to please ♪
♪ and her boobs really look nice in zero g's ♪
♪ I am an astronaut, but I'd rather be fishing ♪
♪ because I've been up in space on a 10-year mission ♪
♪ it really is so horrible, I'm really annoyed ♪
♪ I've been sitting down so long ♪
♪ I've got asteroids ♪
♪ I think you will find ♪
♪ that I'm the best astronaut that will be found ♪
♪ I can't wait to blastoff and leave this ground ♪
♪ soon as I get up there, oh, boy, I yell "shoot" ♪
♪ I forgot about my training and I tinkled in my suit ♪
All: ♪ I tinkled in my suit ♪
We'll be right back
With more "whose line is it anyway?"
Right after this. Don't go away.
At tonight's winner to "whois wayne brady.Nyway?"
Wayne brady is the winner tonight.
Uh, we're going to do a scene for you
Called "foreign film dub,"
And what's going to happen is jeff and I are going
To pretend to speak in a foreign language.
What foreign language would you like us to speak?
Spanish.
That was the first thing I heard,
And if you were a spanish film director making action films,
What would the name of your film be?
[ audience shouts ]
El donkey.
Ryan, you're going to translate for me.
Colin, you're going to translate for jeff.
El donkey in spanish.
Señor, necesito un burro.
Colin: Hey, nice suit.
[ pretends to speak spanish ]
Ryan: Thank you very much. Have you seen my ass?
Qué bueno?
También, no tengo pantalones.
Colin: I have seen the donkey you talk of.
It wears funny pants.
[ pretends to speak spanish ]
Ryan: This burro is my only friend.
Him and I watch "baywatch" together.
Ay, ay, ay, dios!
Tú burro... no!
Colin: You mean when they walk in slow motion?
I love that!
[ pretends to speak spanish ]
I can't speak spanish.
Otra vez.
El burro...
[ pretends to speak spanish ]
Ryan: Excuse me, I will sell you my...
Ha ha ha... I will sell you my...
Ho ho ho... excuse me... I will sell you...
Oh, I'm not spanish at all.
[ pretending to speak spanish ]
Bien, bien.
Colin: My god, a peruvian mime.
Ryan: I have an outie bellybutton
And I live in a small house.
[ buzzer ]
Thank you for watching "whose line."
We'll be right back.
Tonight we're going to have wayne bradyyway?"
Read the credits for you.
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