To "whose line is it anyway?" on tonight's show...
The big man on campus... wayne brady.
Head of the class... chip esten.
Summa cum laude... colin mochrie.
And mr. Summer school himself... ryan stiles!
And I'm your host drew carey.
Come on down. Let's have some fun.
Oh, man. Hi.
Oh, man.
Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?"
The show where everything's made up
And the points don't matter.
That's right, the points are like
What the cast of "big brother" is up to right now.
You don't want to listen to me yapping all night.
Let's get on with the show.
We'll start with a game called "hollywood director."
This is for all four of you.
Ryan, wayne, and chip are going to act out a film scene for us
And colin is going to be
Their temperamental hollywood director.
Here's your notes. He's never seen these before.
He has to give them notes that we're going to give him here,
And he's going to yell "cut" every once in a while
After they get started
And tell them how to make the scene better.
The scene they're going to act out is
Ryan is an incompetent waiter...
Who spills something
On temperamental supermodel wayne.
It's really amazing how the producers
Get to know the cast throughout the season.
Chip is her angry husband who comes in to confront ryan.
And colin's the director. Take it away.
Oh! Aah!
Oh.
My dr-r-r-r-ress!
I'm sorry. That's pudding.
That's going to be hard to get out.
You! I'm so sorry.
What's your name?
Stop touching me!
I only weigh 80 pounds. It hurts.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, baby. I was at band practice.
I got here as soon as I could.
Did you touch her?
Oh, no, I... aah!
I'm sorry.
That's pleather, man.
I am so sorry. I am just...
I-I feel so bad about this.
I should just quit. I'm not much of a waiter.
I'm incompetent.
But you do have a certain bone structure.
You ought to be a model.
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
If this was crap, you'd need a ladder to get that high.
My god! You're horrible, horrible!
Yeah, you suck, too.
But think. Be the charac...
You know what? Maybe if we rip off something.
Yes!
Do it like "the exorcist."
You're possessed, you're the mother,
And you're a priest.
Action!
You spilled cof...
you spilled coffee upon my body.
You should have your head rammed upside your insides.
Be free!
Domine sanctu derentium e pluribus unum.
you have to help me, please...
aw, shut up.
Cut, cut, cut! That was scaring me.
I wasn't sure who I was.
You were supposed to be the mother.
Nice puke, though.
I was so sick at seeing my daughter possessed.
It's the most interesting thing you've done all day.
All right, let's concentr...
Needs a little bit of movement.
Little bit of movement, you know?
Movement.
So why don't you do it like you're doing it
On an out-of-control moving walkway?
Action!
Is she going...
I...
Honey... I am so sorry.
You are going to be in some...
Are you... I'm...
I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was doing. I'm sorry.
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
Cut, cut, cut!
It was a nice try,
But it just wasn't energetic enough.
I was still playing the mother.
Yes, you were still the mother.
That was a nice choice.
All right, do it like rodeo riders.
Action!
Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo!
What'd you do to my woman?
Oh, get off...
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
My god!
He's over 40!
You okay?
Uh-huh.
All right.
You know, we don't have the insurance.
All right. I'm sorry.
I know you're sorry.
Do it this way...
Do it like a porn movie filled with exercise instructors.
It's porn, so I can lie down, right?
Yes, you can. Action!
Ah.
Where's my...
Where's my... oh!
You've got stuff all over me.
I guess I've got to take it off.
Are you all right?
I'm all right. I'm okay.
Hey, that disk popped right back in.
I broke ryan.
"faster, faster, you fool, you fool."
That's quite a sensation
When those vertebrae rub against each other.
No, that was really hilarious, man.
I'll give you 100 bucks to do it again later on.
But for now, 1,000 points apiece.
Let's go on to a game called... how's your back, really?
Good.
'cause I saw you go, like...
No, I was actually saying,
"get the off! Get the off!"
I don't know if we can air that or not,
But that's what I was saying.
I wasn't sure what he meant by that.
Here I thought you were yelling,
"faster, faster, you fool, you fool,"
But I guess not.
Okay, let's go on with a game called "duet."
This is for chip and wayne
With the help of laura hall and linda taylor.
And I'll come right over here.
Ma'am, what's your name?
Shauna.
Shauna. What do you do for a living, shauna?
Exotic animal trainer and handler.
You're an exotic animal per... come on down here, shauna.
This is shauna.
Sorry. We apologize.
Shauna says she's an exotic animal handler.
You're not just, like, a stripper with a snake act?
You really have...
You're going to be singing to shauna,
The exotic animal handler and trainer,
And I want you to sing it using speed metal
Like metallica, that kind of thing.
Take it away whenever you're ready.
yeah
now, I know a little girl, her name is shauna
why don't you come and handle my anaconda?
I love her, I'm glad to know her
why don't you come and train my boa?
yeah
I know a shauna, and if you wanna
you can come and handle my iguana
shauna
yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah
because, you see, I walk fast, don't have a limp
you're so pretty, you can train me
I'm your chimp
yeah
you can train me to
do some behavior with you
shauna
Oh, no.
Thank you, shauna.
Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.
All right. We'll be right back with more "whose line"
Right after this. Don't go away.
The show where everything's made up
And the points don't matter. Remember, folks,
I just want to remind you these folks are professionals.
If you want to try this at home,
Don't send your stupid videotapes to us.
Let's get on with a game called "song titles."
This is for all four of you. Chip and wayne...
Are starting.
They're moaning 'cause this is a very difficult game to play,
But it's a great party game if you want to play it at home,
If you ever have a party. It's called "song titles."
What happens is they have to speak with each other
And carry on a conversation,
But they can only speak in song titles.
Has to be the title, not a lyric.
If I hear a lyric, I'm going to buzz you out.
And then the other person takes over.
And then the other person takes their place...
The scene is
You're at a police station on a busy Saturday night.
Song titles only.
Stop! In the name of love.
I shot the sheriff.
Guilty.
Wanted dead or alive.
There we go.
Chains.
Bad girl.
Janie's got a gun.
Really?
Another Saturday night.
Ah.
Theme from "s.W.A.T."
Oops!...I did it again.
Love to love you, baby.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Cold as ice.
Yippee-ay-oh!
Oh...
No way out.
Dig a pony.
Ah.
Theme from "shaft."
Jailhouse rock.
Oh!
Rock of ages.
And she stoned me.
Thriller.
Bad.
Beat it.
Hello.
Bye bye bye.
I am the walrus.
Mrs. Jones.
It's "me and mrs. Jones."
Okay, well, it's us, then.
What's new, pussycat?
When you wish upon a star.
blue suede shoes.
Nice pants.
"nice pants."
well, uh-huh, nice pants
nice pants, nice pants
corduroy, nice pants, nice pants
nice pants nice pants
"nice pants." 1,000 points for that one.
That was really funny.
Let's go on to a game... oh, my god, I love this game.
"scenes from a hat."
What we've done is, before every show,
We ask the audience to write down suggestions
For different scenes they'd like to see our performers act out.
We put the good ones in this hat
And see how many they can do here.
I'll pull them out of the hat at random, starting with...
Ha ha ha.
"times when you'd like to say,
'let's see that again in slow motion.'"
All right.
"bad times to ask her for sex."
You were fantastic. You really were.
Say, would you like to have sex?
I'm awfully sorry about your loss, sister jenkins.
All righty.
"bad names for perfume."
I call it...
"like ass."
You know you'll get lucky when you're wearing eau de pork.
Nice pants... the smell of corduroy.
All right.
Uh, "what your dogs think and do
When you leave them alone in the house."
Okay, 2's are wild.
"unusual cases for the fbi."
So you're saying that the, uh...
Cat and the fiddle ran away together?
I'm telling you.
all right.
So your pizza took longer than 30 minutes
And they didn't get it right?
Yeah... no.
"world's worst catch phrases."
Ni-I-ice pants!
"if people broke into song in real life."
where did all the toilet paper go?
How you doing?
Hey...
nice pants nice pants
look at those ni...
who did it?
not me, must have been him
guilty as charged
All righty.
"difficult que..."
"difficult questions for mommy to answer."
Go ahead.
No, let's see it.
Mommy,
How come no one looks like me on "friends"?
I said "difficult questions."
Mommy, how come no one looks like me on "friends"?
If you were paying attention, I said "difficult questions."
There's nobody bald... all right.
I'm adorable. Yes, you are.
All right, we'll be right back,
Find out who the winner is. Don't go away.
Tonight's winner... wayne brady.
But that's okay, 'cause the rest of us
Are going to do our favorite game in the whole wide world...
"hoedown"! Yeah!
"hoedown," with laura hall on the piano. Laura hall!
What I need from the audience is a suggestion
Of something you want to keep secret.
Your mother is a drunk.
Sounds great.
The drunk mother hoedown, with laura hall on the piano.
The drunk mother hoedown.
Yee-ha!
well, I knew colin's mother, yes, I must tell the truth
when she was nursing colin, her milk was 90 proof
she wanted to kick the habit, she didn't know what to do
but if your baby looked like that
then you'd be drinking, too
Wow!
let me tell you something
that happened just to me
my mama started drinking when I was just 3
now I shouldn't let this secret slip
but my mama started drinking when she married chip
my mother drinks a lot, I know that isn't strange
but her behavior gets really strange
she acts as though she's from somewhere else
maybe like venus
oh, by the way, chip has a little penis
oh, boy, this hoedown, it's taking mighty long
I am so sick of this bloody song
wayne sits there and he gets to rest
his penis is large, that's why he's behind the desk
Yes!
We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.
Don't go away.
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