1 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:05,240 DENNIS: Most people would agree. DEE: I don't agree. 2 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:08,400 - Will you look at your skin? - I am. What's the matter with it? 3 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:10,720 - It's all blotchy. - How's it blotchy? I don't see it. 4 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:13,240 Dad, look at Sweet Dee's skin and tell me that it's not all blotchy? 5 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:15,120 Do I have to listen to this shit all morning? 6 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:17,160 Frank, you've gotta be kidding with these receipts. 7 00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:19,000 We were actually doing better before you took over. 8 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:22,680 Hey! Hey! What's up, guys? (sniffs) I didn't hear you guys come in. 9 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,520 Uh, you know, I was actually in here early opening up this morning. 10 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:29,480 We had an agreement. This is a place of business, not your home. 11 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:31,240 Uh, yeah, I know that. 12 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:32,920 Not supposed to sleep in the bar anymore, bro. 13 00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,120 - I wasn't. - You didn't come home last night. 14 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,240 Oh, okay, okay. Well, guess what? 15 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:40,680 I found some extensive water damage in the back office. 16 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,560 - What? - Yeah, maybe I'm not such a bad guy 17 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:45,400 for passing out in there and drinking too much or whatever. 18 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:49,080 - That's a terrible excuse, dude. - I drank too much, so lay off. 19 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,080 Holy shit! Guys, come here! Come here! Check this out! 20 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,040 Look! 21 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:56,240 - What? - What? 22 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,720 That is the Virgin Mary. 23 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:00,160 CHARLIE: What? - Oh, take it easy, bro. 24 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:03,240 No, look. The head and the arms and the cape. 25 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:04,720 - Does look like it. Weird. - I don't see it. 26 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:07,520 What if it's a sign? You guys, remember, I wanted to be a priest. 27 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,120 That's a water stain, dude. 28 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:12,160 Or it could be a sign that we need to get our pipes fixed. 29 00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:14,680 What if it's a miracle? (arguing) 30 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:18,760 Listen. It could be a miracle. It could be bullshit. 31 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,080 There's only one thing we know for sure. 32 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:23,960 - What's that? - It's a goddamn gold mine. 33 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,560 Well, I'll tell you, Jim. I was in the back office, 34 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:00,960 and I'd just finished praying on my rosaries. 35 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:04,680 And I was doing some crunches, you know, working on my abs. 36 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:06,760 And that's when I saw it. 37 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,400 And I thought to myself, 38 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,960 "That is definitely the mother of our Lord." 39 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,040 Did my face look fat? 40 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:14,760 Yeah. 41 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:16,800 No, don't, don't screw with me here. 42 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,040 - Seriously. It's just the TV, yes? - No, it's been looking fat. 43 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:22,880 So if you like the Virgin Mary and you like beer, 44 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:25,520 come on down to Paddy's Pub. We got 'em both. 45 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:29,200 Welcome to Paddy's Pub, home of the Blessed Mother. 46 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:32,560 - Would you care to make a donation? - How much should I give? 47 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:36,960 Well, what price can one put on the viewing of a miracle? 48 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,080 Give whatever you can. 49 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:44,080 These people are pathetic. 50 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,160 Yeah, Dad, I really don't feel very good about what we're doing in here. 51 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:48,920 Well, don't get all high-and-mighty on me. 52 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:51,880 I only made $4, Deandra. I think I can live with myself. 53 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:53,800 Let's move, lady. We got a whole long line here. 54 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,480 Don't be selfish. All right. Rollin' on in. 55 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:59,120 This is one of the more ridiculous things we have ever done, dude. 56 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,960 Ridiculous is taking advantage of the mother of God. 57 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:04,480 Are you kidding me? That is a water stain, man. 58 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:07,520 We are really pushing our luck with the big guy upstairs on this one. 59 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,560 Dude, if you don't think you're already going to hell, 60 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:11,520 you need to take a long look at yourself. 61 00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,560 - Go look at yourself, bro. - Okay, I'll do that. 62 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:15,200 Yeah, do it. MAN: Dee Reynolds? 63 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,320 Oh, wow. It is you. Matthew Mara. 64 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,760 We were in physical therapy together twice a week after school. 65 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,280 I was the only other person in physical therapy with you. 66 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:29,200 - Huh. - I wore the giant leg braces. 67 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:32,320 Oh, my God. Yeah, with the leg braces. 68 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,960 - Wow. You look different. - Yeah, so do you. 69 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,400 - No more back brace, I see. - Uh-uh. 70 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,040 - You look wonderful. Yeah. - Oh. 71 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,800 MAC: Matty Mara? - Hello, Mac. 72 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,520 I knew it! I called it from across the bar, 73 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:44,880 even without the cripple braces. - So, what? You're a priest now? 74 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:48,080 Wow! Look at you. Little Matty Mara all grown up, huh? 75 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,760 Hey, Dennis, little Matty Mara's here. The priest. 76 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:52,920 Hey, you come to witness the miracle for yourself? 77 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:54,600 Miracle's a strong word, Mac. 78 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,040 We don't just throw that around like a football. 79 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:00,320 - Well, you should. - I just came out of curiosity. 80 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:03,280 See what you had at this bar of yours. 81 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:04,840 You have to admit it's her, dude. 82 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,200 - Well, it's quite a likeness. MAC: Yeah. You think it's a sign? 83 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:08,600 No, I think it's a stain. 84 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:11,360 But, uh, it's an interesting stain. I'll give you that. 85 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,520 - Hey, Matty. - Hello, Dennis. How are you? 86 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,840 I've been better. I've been better. Let me ask you a question, man. Um. 87 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:19,200 I know it's been years since we've seen each other, 88 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,360 but does my face look fat to you? 89 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:23,840 Well, we've all put on a few pounds since high school, so... 90 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,280 Of course. Of course. But I don't look fat though, right? 91 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,840 Um, no. 92 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,200 - What did we call you in school? - Rickety Cricket, dude! 93 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,680 That's right. Rickety Crickety Legs. (creaking) 94 00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:37,560 (creaking) 95 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:39,520 Hey, remember how you would pass out at parties, 96 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,680 and Dennis would tea-bag you? - Yeah, then I would take the photo. 97 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,800 - We'd pass it around the school. - We'd pass it around the school. 98 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,440 - That was so funny. - Everybody loved the photos, Matty. 99 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,120 Hey, you still get balls-to-the-chin cracks? 100 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,240 No. Actually, that was a long time ago. 101 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,520 - It would be funnier as a priest. - Oh, my God. Those pictures. 102 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,920 You don't understand how much everybody loved those. 103 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,200 - My balls on your chin. - Everybody loved you, man. 104 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:01,960 I think people still have copies. There's a lot floating around. 105 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,040 - I saw them on the Internet! - You were, like, famous in school. 106 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,680 Yeah, practically. Practically. 107 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,440 - I got a shoe box of those things. - That's partially our doing. 108 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,160 Well, let's, let's... I should get going, so, um... 109 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,560 MAC: Okay. - Hey, hey. Check it out though. 110 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,960 Um, why did you pause before you said "no" earlier? 111 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,320 I'm sorry? 112 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:23,160 Well, earlier when I asked you if my face looked fat, you kind of paused. 113 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,760 I'm not sure. 114 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:28,680 Uh, listen, Dee, it was great seeing you again. 115 00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:31,880 - Oh, yeah. You too. - Gentlemen. 116 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,120 - Cricket. - Later, Cricks. 117 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:35,280 - See you, Rickety Crickety. CHARLIE: I love that guy. 118 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:37,560 - How do you know the priest? - We went to high school with him. 119 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,320 We should get him to bless the stain. 120 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,240 - Why? - This could be huge, Charlie. 121 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,720 I mean, endorsement from the Catholic Church. 122 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,520 No. No. See, you guys are taking this thing way too far. 123 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,800 You know what I'm gonna do? Wash my hands of it. 124 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,000 Washing my hands of the whole situation, Lord. 125 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,600 He will smite you all. God will smite you all! 126 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,400 Okay, uh, we should do it soon though 127 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,200 because the pipe might leak a little more. 128 00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:00,200 The stain could fade. You think this priest would help you guys? 129 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,280 I think Dee could get him to do it. 130 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,560 - What? Why me? - Oh, "Why me?" she says. 131 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,200 The guy was in love with her. He would do anything for her. 132 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:08,400 No. 133 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:09,920 All right. Remember the time you said you'd kiss him 134 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,800 f he ate a horse turd? - He ate the whole turd. 135 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,760 The guy eats the wholething. Then she doesn't kiss him 'cause she said 136 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,640 his breath smelled like shit. - His breath smelled like shit. 137 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,480 - That's my girl. - It didn't really happen like that. 138 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,000 No. He ate the whole turd, and then she wouldn't kiss him. 139 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,800 Hey, Dee, come on. This would be really good for the bar. 140 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,600 No. Screw you guys. No way. I'm not doing that. 141 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:26,760 That's a bad attitude. FRANK: Oh, you know what? 142 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,400 I think the priest may not do it because she's getting a little old. 143 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,120 Oh! Yeah. DEE: What is that? 144 00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:33,600 - Yeah, your skin's all blotchy. - No, it's not. 145 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,000 He's not gonna do it. You got the crow's feet. 146 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,880 - No, I don't. - You're getting the lines there. 147 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:41,200 - Mmm. Fivehead. - Laugh lines. 148 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,440 You know what? You guys are such assholes. 149 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,080 I'm gonna see what I can do. 150 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:53,880 Matthew, hi. 151 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,280 Dee. Wow. What a nice surprise. What brings you here? 152 00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:02,320 The guys and needed somebody to bless that stain in our bar. 153 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,640 (chuckles) 154 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,600 - Are you serious? - Mm-hmm. 155 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:09,040 Dee, I'm not gonna bless a water stain. 156 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,080 We don't do things like that. The Catholic Church... 157 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:12,520 Oh, no, no, no. I know not them. 158 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,520 But I was just hoping you could just do me a little favor. 159 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:17,240 Dee. Okay. 160 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,960 I realize you were able to get me to do things for you in school, but... 161 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:21,360 Oh, you know what? I did. 162 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,720 I kind of led you on a little bit back then, didn't I? 163 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,120 But I wasn't always a tease, you know? 164 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,560 Remember? I let you do all my math homework. 165 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:32,840 Not sure I follow your logic. 166 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,160 Well, what about that time we almost kissed? 167 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,120 You made me eat a... 168 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,360 Look, I'm not blessing the stain, okay? 169 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:42,440 - Oh, no. Hold on a second. - The taste of that thing alone... 170 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,520 - No, I can't imagine. - It haunts me. 171 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,760 Of course it does. I'm sorry, okay? Forget... 172 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,480 Forget I came by about the stain. I don't care about that anymore, okay? 173 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:51,800 I just... I know you really liked me back then, 174 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,720 and I know I wasn't very nice to you. 175 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,200 And I think that's just because I was too stupid to realize 176 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,160 how wonderful you are. I'm sorry. 177 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:00,520 And... 178 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,920 For the record, I think that you grew to be very handsome. 179 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:07,120 You do realize you're leading me on right now? I'm a priest. 180 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,920 - Am I? Oh, I didn't even know. - Yeah. 181 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:12,720 But if you wanted to grab a drink sometime... 182 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,480 - You're still doing it. - Oh, my God. I don't... 183 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,200 Wow, I... I think it's just 'cause you look so handsome in... 184 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:20,560 - Please leave. - Okay, I'm gonna go now. 185 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,040 - Thank you. It would be best. - All right. 186 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:23,640 - God bless. - Yeah. 187 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:28,320 Would you care to make a donation 188 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:30,360 n the name of Paddy's Pub to the Holy Blessed Mother? 189 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:32,720 - Mm-mmm. - Hey, Charlie, this needs to stop. 190 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,320 If you guys don't do it, I'm gonna do it myself. 191 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,320 You're telling me. I'm sick of doing this. 192 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:38,280 God is going to show his wrath, Charlie. 193 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:39,560 WOMAN: Excuse me. 194 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:43,840 Are you the young man to whom the Holy Mother first appear? 195 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,280 - Yeah. - Could you bless me, please? 196 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:49,680 - You want me to bless you? - Please, senor. 197 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,600 Uh, yeah, sure, I guess. 198 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:54,600 - In the name of the Father... - Right hand. 199 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:58,360 ... the son, Holy Spirit. Amen. - Gracias. 200 00:08:58,520 --> 00:08:59,880 You're welcome. 201 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,400 Did you see that, dude? (chuckles) 202 00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:03,960 I just blessed that woman. 203 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,280 I may have saved that poor, wretched old person's life. 204 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,440 Well, I don't know about that, but, uh... 205 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,120 This could be my calling, Charlie. 206 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,680 What happened to "God's wrath" business, and "this has to end..." 207 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,160 Yeah, no, don't worry about that, dude. 208 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:17,560 I think this could actually be a good thing. 209 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,800 - We could change the world. - Okay, okay. All right. 210 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:23,280 New plan, all right? Let's go around, let's bless people. 211 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:25,200 Well, actually, I should bless people though, 212 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,760 but you could be my right-hand man. You could be my Peter. 213 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,960 Oh. Okay, I'll be your Peter. 214 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,240 Dress a little nicer though, 'cause you look like shit. (door opens) 215 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,600 (door closes) Hey. How'd it go with the priest? 216 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,440 - Not gonna happen. - Did you put the moves on him? 217 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,520 First, gross. I don't think you're supposed to whore out your kids. 218 00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:44,680 Second of all, that guy is a really good person, you know, 219 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:46,400 and I've treated him like shit his whole life. 220 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,080 For once I'm gonna do the right thing. 221 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:49,880 - He thinks you're too old, huh? - Goddamn it. 222 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:52,840 - Why do I speak to you, ever? - Hello. 223 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,280 Oh, wow. 224 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:57,240 What is wrong with you? 225 00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:00,800 Oh, well, I've been fasting for three days, so I probably look good. 226 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,560 You haven't eaten anything for three days? 227 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,120 - And I feel great. - Why the hell are you fasting? 228 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,120 I thought I would get in the spirit 229 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:09,720 of the religious aspect of what we got going. 230 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:11,040 It's 'cause we said his face looks fat. 231 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,680 It is not. People have been fasting for thousands of years... 232 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,720 ... for health and religious purposes. 233 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:17,960 - Moses... - Fat face. 234 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:21,040 Jesus and Moses in the woods and in the desert... 235 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,400 - Please listen to me. Please. - Forget it. 236 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:26,280 Yeah. All right? The priest thinks Dee's old for him. 237 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:30,200 We gotta go to plan B. I know another guy who could help us. 238 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,280 (knocking) 239 00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,480 Father O'Grady? Uh... 240 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,680 I'm Frank Reynolds. I was in your parish. 241 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,480 What do you want? 242 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,360 We came to talk to you about a stain. 243 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:46,120 No! Uh, wait a second. We just wanna have a few words with you. 244 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:49,120 We found a stain in our bar that resembles the Virgin Mary. 245 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:52,080 - Cats are brown now. - What? 246 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:57,400 - The cats are brown. - What is he talking about? 247 00:10:57,560 --> 00:11:00,360 This guy's perfect. Let's go clean him up. 248 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:08,120 (humming) #I got the Lord I got the Lord 249 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:10,760 #I got the good Lord He's goin' down on me 250 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,120 - #Down on me... I got the Lord - What are you doing? 251 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:16,720 #I got the good Lord Is goin' down on me# 252 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:19,200 The Lord is going down on you? What's that suppose to mean? 253 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,560 - Why are you dress like this? - Come on. It's perfect. 254 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,520 - Where did you get it? - I have my sources. 255 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:25,240 Charlie, I told you to dress nice. 256 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:26,920 We look like salt and pepper shakers. 257 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,480 - Ah, we look good. - All right. Let's just get started. 258 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:31,360 - Uum... - Mmm. (clicks tongue) 259 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,440 Ah. Uh, excuse me, sir. 260 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,160 - Hello. Would you like a blessing? - From who? 261 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,480 Well, it was to me that the Virgin Mary first appeared. 262 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:39,680 - I found it. - What? 263 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:41,960 Well, I'm just saying I was the one who found it. 264 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:45,760 Yes, but I was the one who first recognized it was the Virgin Mary. 265 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,920 - I found it, if you want the truth. - You thought it was a stain. 266 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:51,400 - I'd prefer a blessing from him. - Why? 267 00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:53,960 He seems a lot more religious than you. 268 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,720 Okay, but he is my number two and doesn't really do the same... 269 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,760 Well, maybe I could just throw you one of... 270 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,760 Don't do it. (humming) Don't do it, Charlie. Don't do it! (sighs) 271 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:07,240 - Ha! - Thanks a lot. I appreciate it. 272 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,840 Okay, feel better. You're looking better already to me. 273 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,040 You are completely betraying me. 274 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:13,840 What are you doing? You're supposed to be my Peter. 275 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:15,680 You know what, dude? Hear me out for a second. 276 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,840 Now, technically, that stain did appear to me. 277 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,200 Also, I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is, 278 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,160 so am I the messiah? 279 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:24,880 I don't know. Could be. I'm not ruling it out. 280 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,040 - The messiah? - I'm just not ruling it out is all. 281 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:28,400 You gotta be kidding me, dude. 282 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:30,360 Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. 283 00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,360 I knew you were gonna ruin this. God damn it. 284 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,880 Ooh. I really wish you wouldn't take my name in vain. 285 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:36,520 (humming) 286 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,720 #I got the good Lord All up inside of me# 287 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,160 How are we gonna get this guy to bless anything? He's out of mind. 288 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:47,400 Well, I'm hoping it's mostly the booze talking. 289 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,720 Let's find some coffee. We can sober him up. 290 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,000 - Did you hear me? - Hmm? 291 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,880 Dennis, I think you really gotta eat. 292 00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:58,720 No, I just spaced out for a second. What's up? 293 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,640 Find some coffee. We don't have a ton of time. 294 00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:06,640 Here's a confession. I'm in love with a man. 295 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:09,040 What? 296 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,160 I'm in love with a man. 297 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,040 A man called God. 298 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:18,120 Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? 299 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,800 - You betcha. -Can I talk to you, please? 300 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:23,160 - Speaketh. - In private. 301 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,840 (chuckles) Okay. 302 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,120 Well, congratulations, Jim Jones. 303 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:29,640 You found the four people on the planet 304 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,360 dumb enough to listen to your shit. 305 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,320 Oh, forgive him, Lord, for he know not what he say. 306 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,960 Give it a rest. You're not the messiah. 307 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:36,200 You don't know dick about the Bible. 308 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:38,720 You know, it really sounds like somebody in this room is jealous. 309 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,160 Because it's bullshit! I'm the one that wanted to become a priest. 310 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,040 I'm the one that knew it was Mary. The one that should have followers. 311 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,560 - Sorry, bro. You suck at it. - You wanna have a competition? 312 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,440 - Like what? - A toe-to-toe on the Bible, bitch. 313 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:53,000 Ask and ye shall receive, sucker. 314 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,760 Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. 315 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:01,560 It has been 10 years since my last confession. 316 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:03,320 (sighs) 317 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,920 In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, 318 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,840 what's on your mind, my dear? 319 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,160 I'm in love with a man that I can't have, Father. 320 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,720 And he used to love me, too, but then I was really mean to him, 321 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,000 and now we'll never know what could have been. 322 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,400 Well, it's too late now. 323 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,600 He's made a commitment that can never be broken. 324 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,480 (sighs) Let's drop this act, Matty. 325 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,160 Listen, I think I have really strong feelings for you. 326 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,000 - Dee, please don't do this. - You know what? 327 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:28,760 It just seems like some kind of cruel joke. 328 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:32,240 I mean, you wanted me once, and now that you can have me... 329 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:37,120 And, oh, Matty, I mean you could really, really have me. 330 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,680 You don't want it anymore? 331 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,480 Well, God has a plan for everybody. 332 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:44,920 - Well, that seems dumb. - Well, it's not. It's God's plan. 333 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:47,560 Yeah, well, God's plan sucks this time. You know why? 334 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,240 - 'Cause I think I love you. - Don't say that, Dee. 335 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,520 I have to say it, and I'm gonna tell you why. 336 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,640 Because if I don't say it, I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life. 337 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,240 Okay, maybe that's not "God's plan" or whatever. I don't care. 338 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,440 I want you to know something. I love you. 339 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,520 And I, I could be your wife, 340 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:06,080 and I could spend the rest of my days making you happy. 341 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,440 - Dee? - Yes. 342 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,760 - It's me. - I know it's you. 343 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,160 - Just please, please leave. - No, listen. Wait, wait, wait. 344 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,240 I don't know what God wants for us, all right? 345 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,320 But I do know God brought you into our bar, 346 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:20,760 maybe that was just so I could say I'm sorry, but that sounds stupid. 347 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,520 I don't think that's why. That's not big enough. 348 00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,080 He works bigger than that. Maybe his plan is for us to be together 349 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,280 because he did have you come to our bar. Hey. Matty? 350 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:29,280 - What? - Open the door. 351 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:30,680 - No. - Matty, open the door. 352 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:32,480 (sighs) I love you. 353 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,240 - I know that. - Okay. 354 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,760 - Say seven Hail Marys. - Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. 355 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:38,920 I love you. 356 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:44,280 "When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look at the burning bush, 357 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,080 "God called from within. 358 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:50,000 "'Moses, come no closer! Remove your sandals, for...'" 359 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:53,920 Uh, let's stop there. Why is God asking Moses to remove his sandals? 360 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,240 Well, you didn't let me finish, dude. 361 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,440 It's because Moses is about to walk on holy ground. 362 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,720 - No, actually, it's not. - Yes, it is. That's the next line. 363 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,320 "'Remove your sandals, 364 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:05,400 "'for the place where you are standing is holy ground.'" 365 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,160 But what's in between the lines? 366 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:11,360 What's in between the lines is that he has to take off his damn sandals 367 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:15,960 because it's sacred ground. - No! Sacred ground? Sacred ground? 368 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,680 God doesn't worship the ground. God made the ground. 369 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:23,480 And Moses is about to step near a burning bush. That is gonna be hot. 370 00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:25,600 God doesn't think Moses is gonna do it. 371 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,880 "Hey, Moses, kick your shoes off. 372 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,520 "Come on. Walk around a burning bush"? 373 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:35,280 That's like asking me to take my shoes off and stand on a hot plate. 374 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,520 I'm not gonna do it. Unless God asks me to. 375 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:42,040 And then I am, just like Moses. Why? What's gonna happen to Moses? 376 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,360 His feet aren't gonna get burned. 377 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,680 No. God is gonna reward him with some sweet-ass shoes. 378 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,880 It's like, "Oh. Oh. You risk your feet, you get some shoes." 379 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,280 That's the way God works, 'cause God loves us. 380 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:01,080 Trust in God, He'll give you shoes. 381 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:02,720 (applauding) 382 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,560 Are you kidding me? You're buying this crap? You... 383 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,360 FRANK: All right. Here we go. (door closes) 384 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,600 Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot. 385 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:11,160 Hey. What are you guys doing? Who's this? 386 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,040 This crazy, drunk priest... 387 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,040 Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no. 388 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,040 You get a drink after you bless the stain. 389 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,840 Shh! Ooh, cats! And they're brown! 390 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,840 Oh, this guy is great. Hey, you think he'll bless me? 391 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,320 - Love to. - Great. Hey! 392 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,600 It's okay, Frank. Hey, everybody, gather round. 393 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:31,880 This priest here is going to bless me. 394 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:35,760 Then after he's finished, I will honor each and every one of you 395 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:38,360 with a blessing of your own. You can take that with you. 396 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,400 Okay, Father. Anytime you're ready. 397 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:45,600 The Father, Son and Holy Spirit. 398 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,880 What is wrong with you, old man? 399 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,240 Why would you bring somebody like this into the bar? (mouthing words) 400 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,080 Charlie, get the camcorder. The Father's gonna bless the stain. 401 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,600 Right foot, left foot. There we go. 402 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:59,000 - Dee. Dee. - Whoa. You are not lookin' good. 403 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,520 Truth, truth. Face fat? 404 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,960 No, you idiot. Your face is fine. 405 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,000 I just got mad that you called mine blotchy. 406 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,040 - Oh. (stammering) Why... - What? 407 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,840 - Why'd you do that? - Oh, because you're a bad person. 408 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,240 - Charlie, you got the camcorder? - Oh, yeah, yeah, I got it. 409 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,160 Oh, Mac, Mac. This endorsement's gonna put me over the top. 410 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:19,400 Go to hell, Charlie. 411 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,560 Oh, these people are gonna be eating out of my divine hands. 412 00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:23,000 These people are gonna catch on to your shit. 413 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,480 Are they really? Hello. 414 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:28,960 #When Irish eyes are smilin' 415 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:32,400 - #Sure, 'tis like a... ? - No! No, get away from there! 416 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:34,520 - Get him away! - Get... Back off. Oh. 417 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,320 What did you do, you shithead? You ruined it 418 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,160 Oh! It's gone! 419 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:41,280 - Uh, no, actually, it's not gone. - It's gone! 420 00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:44,800 - The Virgin Mary has left us! CHARLIE: She hasn't left us! 421 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,480 You can see the outline. 422 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,960 She abandoned us 'cause we listen to a false prophet! 423 00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,360 - No! False... - False prophet. 424 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,280 - That's what you are. - Hey. Where are you going? 425 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,280 Looks like your followers are leaving you. 426 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:01,880 - Don't go. - She'll come back. 427 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,800 - Dee. - Matthew? What are you doing here? 428 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,760 I thought about what you said, and I think you're right. 429 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:12,000 I mean, in some weird way, this was God's plan for us. 430 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,720 I mean, I had to become a priest to reconnect with you, 431 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,640 and I had to leave the priesthood to have you. 432 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,000 Huh? 433 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:21,560 Mr. Reynolds, I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. 434 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,120 - Done. - Okay, hold on one second. 435 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:24,760 - Bless you. - Hold on. 436 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,360 Did you just say that you left the priesthood? 437 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,400 Yes! Yes, I had to. 438 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,400 Matty, wow. You should not have done that. 439 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:32,800 - What do you mean? - You gotta... 440 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:36,400 You should go and undo that right now. 441 00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:39,120 - Uh, but you said... - Yeah, I know what I said. 442 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:42,760 There were a lot of things, and I meant all of them. I did. 443 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:46,240 But the thing is, I didn't know you were actually gonna leave the Church 444 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:50,600 which is why I felt safe saying those things in the first place. 445 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,320 So wait. Wait. So... 446 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:58,640 - So you don't love me? - Oh, Matty. 447 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,400 I think you are a great guy. 448 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,560 (Mac and Charlie wincing) 449 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,840 - My life is... My life is ruined. - No. 450 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,720 - It's... Yes, it's ruined. - No. It's not. 451 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:11,600 What about this? Why don't you go back to the priesthood? 452 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,960 I can't, okay? (stammering) I can't. 453 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:16,960 You can't just go back, Dee. 454 00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:18,920 "Yeah, I wanna become a priest again." You can't. Okay? 455 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,640 But are you sure? Did you double-check that? 456 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,440 Oh, my life is ruined. - - Hmm. So... 457 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,720 I'm the bad person, huh? 458 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,800 (groans) 459 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:34,520 That's what you get for not eating. 460 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,800 Hey, Cricket! You know what would make you feel better? 461 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:39,320 What could possibly make me feel better? 462 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,400 MAC: You wanna tea-bag Dennis? 463 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,320 - I'll get the camera! - Yeah! 464 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,880 - Polaroid, Polaroid, Polaroid. - Whoo!