1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:06,280 CHARLIE: Hello. Charlie Kelly here, 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:10,280 local business owner and cat enthusiast. 3 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:14,400 Is your cat making too much noise all the time? 4 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:19,520 Is your cat constantly stomping around, driving you crazy? 5 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:22,480 (roaring) (glass shattering) 6 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:25,600 Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? 7 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:28,000 (growling) Think there's no answer? 8 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:32,760 You're so stupid! There is. Kitten Mittens. 9 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:37,920 Finally, there's an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats. 10 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,080 (crickets chirping) 11 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,320 (cat yowls) I couldn't hear anything. 12 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:49,480 Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny or an in-between? 13 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:52,320 That doesn't matter 'cause one size fits all. 14 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:56,840 Kitten Mittens. You'll be smitten. So come on down to Paddy's Pub. 15 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,360 We're the home of the original Kitten Mittens. 16 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,440 Mee-ow! (button clicks) 17 00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:45,000 Lately at night, I've been forced to fall asleep to the deafening sound 18 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:48,640 of a hundred alley cats tapping on my windows, trying to get in. 19 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:51,960 You know what I mean? Thus, Kitten Mittens. Right? 20 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:55,120 I'm making a quieter cat. And then I made the sales tape 21 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:56,680 when I heard about the merchandising convention. 22 00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:58,280 - Ooh, question. - Mac, go. 23 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:00,440 Uh, what merchandising convention? 24 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:02,040 They're having one down at the Sheraton. All right? 25 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:06,000 So I figured, what a better place to find investors for my product. 26 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:09,400 What do moronic Kitten Mittens have to do with our bar? 27 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:14,000 Okay. One, they're not moronic. They're awesome. And two nothing. 28 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,440 Charlie, I kinda like this. I might jump in on this with you here. 29 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:18,520 I think it's a good idea. We could do T-shirts. 30 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,320 We could do beach towels, those nudie pens. 31 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,640 It's about time, you know, we get some merchandise in here, 32 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,200 and I start making some money off this place. 33 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:26,840 (laughs) What? What are you talking about? 34 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,240 You're not gonna make any money off this place. 35 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:29,600 You don't own a piece of the bar. 36 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:31,840 No, but I own 100% of the merchandising. 37 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,600 - It's in my contract. - What contract? 38 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:36,440 The contract you had me sign, when I first started working here. 39 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,080 What? (both laugh) 40 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:39,960 Dee, we got you to sign that contract 41 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:43,000 so we could pay you less than minimum wage. Okay? 42 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,280 We're never gonna merchandise anything in the bar. 43 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:46,440 But now we are. 44 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:49,600 To be honest, I don't even remember signing any kind of contract. 45 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:53,200 You don't remember? Did it slip your mind? That's okay, it's right here. 46 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:55,760 I keep it in this drawer so that you two jerks don't try... 47 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:57,760 Hey, hey! Wait! What are you doing? 48 00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:01,640 You son of a bitch! That doesn't nullify it, you know? 49 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:06,080 - Oh, why? Do you have another copy? - I... don't. 50 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,800 I don't, but you can't just go eat a contract! 51 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,280 He just did eat it. 52 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,160 All right. You know, I'm talking to a lawyer about this. 53 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,760 - You don't have a leg to stand on. - Yeah, go ahead. 54 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,840 This is making me think maybe I should slap a patent 55 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,760 on my Kitten Mittens before you guys try and steal that too, huh? 56 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:22,800 I can see it in your eyes. You're all over this, aren't you? 57 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:28,760 I gotta say, Mac, my instinct to steal this idea is very strong. 58 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:30,040 Kitten mittens? 59 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:32,080 No, idiot. Merchandising in the bar. 60 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:33,720 I'm thinking we take this merchandising convention 61 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,960 as an opportunity to make merchandise for Paddy's. 62 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,960 - Right. - You know? Like, expand our brand. 63 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:39,840 You know? Make a little money. 64 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:43,520 Who's gonna buy merchandise to a bar that they've never been to? 65 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:47,640 Uh, hello, Frank. I've never been to Fiji. 66 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,880 All right. Well, how about, like, hard-boiled eggs from Paddy's bar? 67 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:53,000 Green eggs. Says, "Paddy's" on them. 68 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,600 You keep them on your desk when you go to work. 69 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,200 Who's gonna want to keep a hard- -boiled egg on their desk at work? 70 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,920 Oh, all right. Then you put it on your dashboard of your car. 71 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:02,320 It's just a jumping- off point. 72 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,960 Frank, keeping hard-boiled eggs on your desktop 73 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,240 or the dashboard of your car is not a jumping-off point. 74 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,040 Get the hell out of here, all right? Let us concentrate 75 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,440 on doing the merchandising idea. Clearly you don't get it. 76 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:12,720 - So... - I don't get it? 77 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:14,480 - You don't get it! - I don't get it? 78 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,160 - You don't get it! - We'll see who doesn't get it. 79 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,280 - Okay! All Right! - Yeah! 80 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,800 All right, Charlie, remember, this lawyer is not a big fan of ours. 81 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:26,080 So we have to turn the charm up a little bit in the beginning. 82 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:28,000 - You know what I mean? - I know how we can do that too. 83 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,840 See this picture of his wife right here? 84 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,360 What if we, like, compliment her good looks? That, you know.. 85 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,880 - Gets us off on a good foot, right? - Are you kidding me? 86 00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,160 That woman looks like a stone-cold bitch, and you know it. 87 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,440 And he knows it 'cause he turns the picture away from him. 88 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,600 Well, I'm trying to make lemonade here. 89 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,600 - Ohhh, there he is. - How did you get in here? 90 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:45,400 - Hey! - Aw! 91 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,240 - There's the man! - The old-fashioned way 92 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:48,640 with doors and feet and walking. 93 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:53,240 We were just having a conversation about how lovely your wife is. 94 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,880 I was not participating in that conversation, 95 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:57,920 'cause I don't find her lovely. I think you're better than that. 96 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,640 I think you can do better than that. And I mean that as a compliment. 97 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,280 You are aware that there are other lawyers in Philadelphia? 98 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:07,400 The three of us have a history. We, uh, we have a past, if you will. 99 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:10,280 And Charlie and I really like the fact that you don't charge. 100 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:13,680 I do charge. Okay? You don't pay. 101 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:18,320 We're both men of the law. You know? We get after it. You know? 102 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:22,160 We jabber-jaw. We go tit for tat. We have our little differences. 103 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:25,440 But at the end of the day, you win some, I win some, 104 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,080 and there's a mutual respect left over between us. 105 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,200 Any respect that you're feeling that's coming from me 106 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:32,720 s a mistake on your part. - Then I'll just regress, 107 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:34,960 'cause I feel like I've made myself perfectly redundant. 108 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,000 - Yes, you have. - I'm lost! 109 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:40,400 So I'm just gonna get down to brass tacks. I got a question for you. 110 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,200 Does a legal document hold up in a court of law 111 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,680 f it has been ingested by the other party? 112 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,680 Now, mind you, the heretofore document had, 113 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:54,080 had dry ink on it for at least many forknights, uh, hereto... 114 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:56,760 - We signed it a long time ago. - It was a long time ago signed. 115 00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,520 I'm also gonna need a patent for the Kitten Mittens. 116 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:02,480 I'm sure you do. I was gonna ask you, "Need Kitten Mitten patents?" 117 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:06,640 That's them. I'm sorry, sir, but they locked me in a closet. 118 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,720 Yo, dude, dude, dude. I'm ready to show you my idea. 119 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,200 - Me too. Let me go first, bro. - No, let me show you mine. 120 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:17,880 - And then you can go first. - Then I'd be going second. 121 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,000 Yeah, great. Okay, now listen. When we're selling stuff at Paddy's, 122 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,880 I think we need to be selling a certain attitude, right? 123 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:25,000 One that reflects our take no prisoners, rock-and-roll lifestyle. 124 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,680 - Okay, yeah. - Now what says that more than this? 125 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:34,400 Huh? Paddy's thong, dude! Paddy's thong! 126 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,080 - You're wearing women's underwear. - Yeah, bro! 127 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:37,560 You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear. 128 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,680 What's more sexual than a high-waisted thong, 129 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:42,520 riding high up a woman's backside? Nothing. Dude! 130 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,040 Come on. Paddy's thong is gonna be a huge hit with chicks. 131 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,880 - Okay. All right. Uh, question. - Yeah, Mac. Go. 132 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,480 Dennis, are women gonna want to buy their underpants in a bar? 133 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,200 No. Women will not buy their underwear in a bar, 134 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,200 but men will buy the underwear for their women in a bar, 135 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:57,120 because it's not for women, it's for men. It's a visual stimulant, bro. 136 00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:58,400 I'm not wearing these because I'm comfortable. 137 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,000 I'm wearing them because I want to turn you on. Know what I'm saying? 138 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,080 You get it? Yeah, bro. It's visual stimulation. 139 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:07,160 Yeah! Can I go now? I've been waiting for a long time. 140 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,680 Okay, what do people love more than anything else in the world? 141 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,840 They love comedy! Everybody loves comedy, right? 142 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,800 So, and I'm funny. I can do funny. 143 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,920 But you gotta have functionality with your comedy, okay? 144 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:19,280 You can't just go throwing jokes around willy-nilly. 145 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:20,920 - Oh. - So I did one of those. 146 00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:23,240 Ah! You drew a men's buttocks on a towel. 147 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,200 Yeah. You get out of the shower in the college dorm. 148 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:26,840 They got the butt, right? People are laughing. 149 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:31,200 Your buddies are laughing. And then you give them one of these. Boom! 150 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,280 - Oh, that is big! - That's a big monster dick. 151 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,360 - That's huge! - The biggest dick you ever seen. 152 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,520 Yeah, that's really... That's not how you see yourself though? 153 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,440 - Now that's funny. - That's funny. 154 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,680 - People are gonna laugh at that. - But, bro, that's just the set-up. 155 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:44,720 - What is it? - For this! 156 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,440 - Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. - Oh, it's a baby dick. 157 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,280 Yeah! We are gonna sell a million of these. 158 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:52,480 - We are gonna sell a million. - Black and yellow for the Asians. 159 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,160 This is probably more Asian than anything else. 160 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:55,920 - Oh, my gosh. - Maybe a little bit more bush. 161 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,040 You know what we should do? We should set up a website for it. 162 00:07:58,320 --> 00:07:59,640 - Already did it. - What? You did? 163 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:03,000 - Dicktowel.com. - Dicktowel.com. 164 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,280 Well, you don't think I know what's going on? 165 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:06,800 - Oh, Jesus Christ! - I don't get it? 166 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,200 - Open your mouth, bitch. - What? 167 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,040 Prepare to be blasted, bitch! (gun cocking) Brenda! 168 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:15,600 (groans, spits, coughs) This is my new merchandising idea. 169 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,880 It's a gun that shoots liquor into your mouth! 170 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,560 You threw tequila in my eye! 171 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,560 I haven't figured out how to get the tequila 172 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:24,400 to come out of the barrel of the gun. 173 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,440 What the hell does she have to do with anything? 174 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,760 Check her out. I mean, she's gorgeous. 175 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,360 You bring a woman with cans like that into the convention, 176 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,920 you sell the idea in a second. - So this is your plan? 177 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:36,280 You're gonna go into the convention, waving a gun in people's faces, 178 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:38,880 throwing tequila in everybody's eyes with a big-titted woman? 179 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,040 - Duh, yeah! - Frank, get the hell out of here! 180 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,560 - Your ideas are ridiculous! - Okay. Okay. 181 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,680 Suck on this, bitches. 182 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:50,560 Huh? Huh? Paddy's Pub stress ball. 183 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,440 You give this to people. They put it on their desk. 184 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:57,080 And then during the day, you squeeze it when you have any tension. 185 00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,880 Right. Oh, goddamn it, frank! 186 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,360 - That's just an egg! - It's a jumping-off point. 187 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:04,280 - Get out! - Get the hell out of here! 188 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,120 - Just get the hell out of here. - Don't even listen to them. 189 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:07,680 Jesus Christ! 190 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:09,920 Okay, we're stealing that gun-shot idea, right? 191 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:11,480 Gun-shot idea is awesome. 192 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,280 You see any sign of that lawyer or his secretary? 193 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,360 No, and I don't know why you think we're gonna catch him 194 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,960 having an affair. I mean, the guy's wife is really hot. 195 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:22,920 No, she's not. And also, why does he turn her picture away from him, 196 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:24,240 so he doesn't have to look at her face? 197 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:27,200 Why are we in this shady motel where we saw him go in? 198 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,360 I'm telling you, he's banging that secretary. 199 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,480 It just doesn't add up. She's an attractive lady, you know? 200 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,840 - She's not attractive. What? - Oh my God! 201 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,640 The woman in the room right next to him. 202 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,840 She just ate an entire sleeve of chips ahoy! 203 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,080 DEE: Charlie, could you focus on the lawyer's room, please? 204 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,920 We're not here to blackmail a lady for eating too many cookies. 205 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,960 Did you say an entire sleeve? That's a lot of cookies. 206 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,120 - She a big lady? - Of course. She's a humongous lady. 207 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,560 - Yeah, of course. - Oh, shit. I see him. 208 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,320 He's walking towards the car! 209 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:55,920 - Get down! Shh! - Why is he coming towards us? 210 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,600 Get down and hold still! (door opens) 211 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,840 (sighs) (door closes) All right. 212 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,440 Um, so what are you people doing in my car now? 213 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:08,520 - Okay, let me explain that. Uh... - Yeah. 214 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:11,400 We were staking you out last night. Kind of spying on you. 215 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,640 It got a little cold. It dropped down, right? 216 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:15,720 So we jimmied your lock and spent the night in here. 217 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:18,520 Okay. Uh, so why were you spying on me all night? 218 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:21,480 You're having an affair, we're gonna blackmail you for your services. 219 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,400 Okay. I hate to disappoint you, but I am not having an affair. 220 00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:26,600 Oh, yeah? Then why do you turn your wife's picture away 221 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,400 from your desk, so you don't have to look at her face? 222 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:30,080 Why are you staying in this seedy motel 223 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,240 and why does it look like you've been crying all night? 224 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,880 I'll tell you what I think. I think you feel guilty. 225 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,720 All right, listen. If you must know... 226 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,000 My wife is leaving me. 227 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,920 And I have to sleep in this fleabag motel. 228 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,560 And I am still in love with my wife, which makes this divorce difficult. 229 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,200 Thus you have the turning away of the photo, 230 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:54,600 and you have the crying episodes, and the what-have-you. 231 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,160 How sad. (exhales) 232 00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,840 - Okay, that's our bad. We, uh... - It all comes together... 233 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,760 - That makes a lot of sense though. - In a different way than I thought. 234 00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:06,960 - The picture's coming together? - You must be all ripped up. 235 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,840 Do you want to have a conversation about our Kitten Mitten patent? 236 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,120 - Yeah, I've got this contract. - You know what? If, um... 237 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:15,880 - Why don't you get out of my car? - We should go now. 238 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,320 - Get out of my car. - You've had a hard couple of days. 239 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:21,520 Okay, consumer, are you ready to get blasted 240 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:24,400 n the mouth by Paddy's shotgun? One, two, three! 241 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:26,920 (gargles) Aw! 242 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:30,520 Goddamn it, dude! You just cannot blast water out of a gun. 243 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:31,920 The technology is just not there. 244 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,600 No, they did sorta figure it out with water guns, so I don't know... 245 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,760 But a water gun doesn't have the same feel to it. 246 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,200 It doesn't. You want to feel the weight of a real gun in your mouth. 247 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,240 You want to taste the metal. You want to feel the steel, you know? 248 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,520 Bro, new plan. Let's make a video, show that at the convention. 249 00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:47,640 Not like Charlie's video though. Ours needs to be cool. 250 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,240 No, no, no, dude. Way cooler than Charlie's. 251 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,520 With quick cuts and awesome music and eagles flying through the air 252 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,200 and picking up trout out of rivers and shit. 253 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:56,880 Ripping it apart and eating it, you know? That'll excite people. 254 00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,120 They'll want to invest. 255 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,520 And then we'll let the brainiacs in China figure out the technology. 256 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:04,360 Yeah. But the point is it's got to really grab people's attention. 257 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:05,880 - You know what I mean? - All right. 258 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,160 I did a little tweaking and... 259 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,520 - What is that? - Paddy's shotgun, bro! 260 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,640 - You get blasted in the mouth! - You stole my idea! 261 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,560 No, no, no, Frank. We tweaked your idea. 262 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:18,920 We took what was a good idea and we made it a great idea. 263 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:20,360 We're also gonna get a bustier chick. 264 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,960 No offense, ma'am. You're very busty. Your breasts are very large. 265 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:26,160 But, uh, we want to go weird with it. We want to get really freakish. 266 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,280 I would like to get your number, actually, though at some point. 267 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:32,360 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look. You can't just take somebody's idea, 268 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,760 change the name of it and then sell it. 269 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,440 - That's the American way, bro. - Yeah! 270 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,400 Yeah. Take a look at Hard Rock Cafe. Got tweaked by Planet Hollywood. 271 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:42,640 Coke got tweaked by Pepsi. Transformers got tweaked by Gobots. 272 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,920 Our job is to step aside and let the consumer decide. 273 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:48,800 Yeah? Well, I'm gonna get a patent for this and sue your balls off. 274 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,080 We're gonna get a patent too, Frank, so screw you. 275 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:52,240 Kiss it. 276 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,800 - Knock, knock. - Hey, friend! 277 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,440 Hey, we got you a little something 278 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,440 to take your mind off your current wife situation. 279 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,240 Sandy, have a seat right here. This is Sandy. 280 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,760 Everything's been taken care of financially. 281 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:10,240 - She's been briefed on the divorce. - She knows all about everything. 282 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:13,000 And 'cause you've been talking about the whole money thing... 283 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,680 Yeah, you said that we hadn't paid you, and we felt bad about that, 284 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,640 so we're kind of hoping that this is sort of a compensation of sorts. 285 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,080 Sandy does that. She's the payment. 286 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,240 Lawyer, check out this freakish whore we found. 287 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,480 - Hey. - Whoa. 288 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:25,760 What the hell are you guys doing here? 289 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,240 I came to see the lawyer to sue you for breach of contract. 290 00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:29,560 What's with the busty chick? 291 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,280 We're gonna throw a patent on her and a couple of other things. 292 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,560 Now, I see that you have a lovely busty woman as well. 293 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,760 Yeah! She's a lady of the night. 294 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,680 - She's a prostitute. - Don't get too excited. 295 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,440 She's his lady, because he's going through a messy divorce. 296 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,520 So they're gonna have some sexual relations as sort of a payment. 297 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:47,960 Ah. Wow. Divorce, huh? That's never fun. 298 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,120 Oh, yeah. No, it's terrible. He's all broken up about it. 299 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,320 She left him, probably because he cheated on her, I'm guessing. 300 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,280 - Look what a cold bitch she is. - She was mean to him. 301 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:55,800 - It's a mess. - He's been crying. 302 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,680 I tell you what, buddy. I can help you out. 303 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,000 I'm gonna toss a frame bang your way. 304 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:02,400 Now here's how that works. I slip into your house one night, 305 00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:05,760 while your wife is sleeping and I ease into her real nice. 306 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,280 That way, you're both cheating on each other, 307 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:09,400 and she can't clean you out. 308 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:12,360 DEE: That's a win-win. - Goddamn shoes. 309 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,560 You can't run in them. MAC: Ah, son of a bitch. 310 00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,720 What, what's with the broads? 311 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,720 - You're stealing that idea too? - No! 312 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,240 - We're not stealing, it's tweaking. - You're stealing that idea. 313 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:24,840 Guys, can you take your ladies outside? 314 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,680 Stop! Stop! Everyone stop! 315 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:29,880 I will take care of all of your legal needs 316 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:33,520 f each of you agrees to never seek my legal advice again. 317 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:34,800 - What? - Great. 318 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,120 - For free? - No problem. 319 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,120 And, you, promise not to break into my home 320 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:39,960 and rape my wife while she's sleeping. 321 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,240 Bro, rape? I wasn't talking about raping your wife. 322 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:45,000 I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps. 323 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:46,920 And I was gonna do it for you, you son of a b... 324 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:49,920 - All right, fine. I won't do it. - Great. Now we're all here. 325 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,120 - Let's get into this. Deandra. - Yeah. 326 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:55,960 You want to sue these guys over some sort of breach of contract thing? 327 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,920 This one ate a contract that said I got all the rights 328 00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,480 to the Paddy's pub merchandise. 329 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:01,200 - That never happened. - It happened. 330 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,000 Why don't you throw out the suit if they agree to sign a contract 331 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:08,680 to grant you 50% of merchandising rights for Paddy's pub? 332 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,400 - Fifty percent? I'll take it. - Deal. 333 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:12,840 DEE: Yes! - What the hell you doing, dude? 334 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,520 I'll just eat the contract later. 335 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:17,880 We would also like to make a patent on Paddy's shotgun 336 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,600 and this very large-breasted woman 337 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:21,200 who's gonna be shooting the gun into your face. 338 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:23,160 - Objection! - This is not a court of law. 339 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,120 - Sustained! Frank, move to strike. - They stole my idea! 340 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,360 - Open your mouth! (shouting) - Christ's sakes, dude! 341 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,800 ALL: Oh! - Jesus Christ! 342 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,560 CHARLIE: Whoa, man! - Whoa! 343 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:35,360 My god! How did you get that much propulsion on the gun? 344 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,200 I made tequila bullets, but I guess I put too much gunpowder in. 345 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:41,240 New deal! We'll take that propulsion and put it in our shotgun! 346 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:45,480 - No, no, no. That deal sucks. - Why don't you just use both guns? 347 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:49,040 That's an even better idea. Two guns! Six boobs! 348 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,320 - We're all on the same team! - Okay. I like that idea. 349 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,200 And, you, you want a right to the cat gloves? 350 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,800 - Mittens, dude. Pay attention. - So sorry, sir. 351 00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,880 They duct-taped me to the bathroom sink. 352 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:02,400 - How did she get out of that? - I don't know. 353 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:12,160 Next up, we have submission 35, a potential investment opportunity 354 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:16,080 n merchandising for a, uh, a Paddy's Pub. 355 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:18,480 FRANK: Yeah! 356 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,200 - You're really sweaty. - My eyes are burning here, Charlie. 357 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:22,680 Start again, start again. 358 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:24,560 Yeah, that's good. 359 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:28,520 MAC: Action, Frank. Go, Frank, now. Go. 360 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,200 - Frank, just... Say the line now. - Let me have a drink. 361 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:36,640 - How about a shot? - What the... 362 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:38,840 #This is how we do it# 363 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:47,600 MAC: Paddy's Pub, home of the original shotgun and gunshot! 364 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:52,480 Are you shooting me? Shoot the girls. Shoot the girls. 365 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,720 Do shots as they were intended, 366 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:57,720 by blasting them directly into your mouth! 367 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,560 Awesome! I'm wasted! 368 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,720 - But that's not all! Dick towel! DENNIS: Dot-com. 369 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,640 Nudie pen! 370 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,200 - Egg. MAC: So come on, dude! 371 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:17,520 - Invest in our merchandise and... - Get blasted! 372 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:24,920 (screaming) 373 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,880 Okay. Uh, why don't we just take a break? 374 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:35,400 - That did not look cool. - No. We had to edit while we shot. 375 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:37,560 - And we just didn't have time. - God that was terrible. 376 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:41,280 Does your cat walk around too much? Does your cat make too much noise? 377 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,560 Guess who just found some investors for Kitten Mittens! 378 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,600 I told you! People love stupid shit! 379 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,640 - Why do you keep calling it stupid? - It's really stupid. 380 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,320 - But people are stupid too, so... - Hello! 381 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:55,080 There he is! What's up, man? What are you doing here? 382 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,080 Congratulations on the sale. 383 00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:58,800 - Thank you very much. - Oh, you were there? 384 00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:01,720 - How much money am I gonna make? - Do what now? 385 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:07,080 Oh. The contract that you all blindly signed 386 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:10,680 grants me 100% of the profits, from any merchandising 387 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:15,520 opportunities from your little bar. And kitten mittens... I own that. 388 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,200 I had to get paid by you people somehow. 389 00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:21,600 - That's what the hooker was for! - Dude! 390 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,280 All right. Touche. You out-lawyered me there. 391 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:25,720 Okay. Tell you what though. 392 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:29,320 Let's split Kitten Mittens 50-50, and then you'll never see me again. 393 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,920 Wow, 50-50? Mmm, let me think about that. 394 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,600 How about if I never see you again because the contract 395 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:38,720 that you all signed also included a restraining order? 396 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,280 Which you're all currently violating. 397 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,400 Uh, excuse me, sir. Can I see these supposed documents that you have? 398 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:49,400 Yes. Um, in fact, I happen to have that right here. 399 00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:51,840 CHARLIE: Ah! ALL: Yeah! 400 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,360 DEE: I knew it. - Still new enough to be edible. 401 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,480 - That's an edible contract! - Right in your face! 402 00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:00,240 You know, fortunately, I made hundreds of copies of that. 403 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,640 Goddamn. (sighing) 404 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:05,360 So, uh, why don't you all have just a nice day. 405 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:09,680 (sighing) 406 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,280 You can probably stop eating that now.