MAC: Just use 'em, dude.
CHARLIE: I'm not going to wear gloves while I work!
- I'm sorry, it makes no sense. - It absolutely makes sense.
You're a janitor who snakes toilets with his bare hands.
So my hands get a little dirty from time to time.
I appreciate the concern, but I'm fine.
It's not for you! It's for us! (door opens)
DEE: Use gloves! - Oh, look at this. Check it out.
The Restaurant and Bar Association's Best Bar Award is comin' up.
We could get nominated.
Frank, we never get nominated for awards, okay?
And we don't give a shit, because they're stupid.
Yeah, we don't care about that kind of stuff, all right?
Look, am I curious as to why we never get nominated? Sure, yeah.
- Do I care? Not in the slightest. - No, I don't care about it.
I mean, all right. It's a little odd we've never been nominated.
DENNIS: Yes, it's odd.
At some point it becomes a little aggressive.
So what is it? We don't deserve it? We're not cool enough?
- Whoa. (whistles) - Whoa, okay, Frank.
Now, if... If I do something, you better believe it's cool.
If I put my name on somethin', it's gonna be award-worthy.
I can't imagine that other people are doing what we're doing better.
- I mean, it's serving up drinks. - It's just upsetting.
- I'm sorry, I'm getting upset. - I don't care about winning.
If you wanna get a nomination, you gotta play the game.
I don't wanna play a game to get an award. That feels lame.
It is lame. Oh, is that your ass? (smooches)
(in quivering voice) Oh, closer to the hole, sir?
(smooches, groans) You know what's lame?
Bein' around this long and never gettin' an award.
Makes you look like a bunch of assholes.
You're really driving this home, and it's upsetting,
because, like, now I'm gettin' the neck thing.
- I feel... I'm getting upset. - Yeah, your neck's goin' nuts?
You're getting that? They're making me feel like an asshole.
BOTH: They are making us feel like assholes.
All right, you know what? We'll play the game. I'll kiss ass.
- Yeah, let's play the game. - I'm okay with it, who cares?
All right, fine. Let's play the game.
But I wanna be very clear about something.
(scoffs) This literally means nothing to me.
MAC: This office sucks.
- It smells bad and it's stuffy. - Yup.
It's the Restaurant and Bar Association,
a stuffy organization. They're not in touch with young people like us.
Some old boner gives me attitude, I'm gonna spit in his face.
He starts givin' me shit, I'll spit at him.
- We should all spit. - We're not spittin', all right?
Just keep your mouth shut and let me do the talkin'.
I know what I'm doin'.
- Okay. - Sorry. Sorry to keep you waiting.
FRANK: Frank Reynolds, Paddy's Pub.
These are my associates. Stand up. Show him some respect.
- I stand for no one. - Please, it's not necessary.
- Have a seat. - You heard the man. Sit down.
Well, now I feel like standing.
But I don't want to stand through an entire meeting 'cause I don't know
how long it's gonna last, so I'll sit down. It's my choice.
With much dignity and grace,
we've come to talk to you about the Best Bar Award.
Now, in the past, our group has not
paid you any attention.
But now we are prepared to pay you what you deserve.
- In attention. If you get my drift. - I don't.
- Ponder lettuce and shrimp. - Excuse me?
He's inviting you out to lunch. You gonna go or not, yes or no?
Actually, it's 3:30 in the afternoon. I've already eaten.
This dickhead doesn't want a second...
He's being offered lettuce and shrimp. He doesn't wanna...
(mock sobbing) Hey, everybody, I had food.
DEE: You know what, I am out of here. I don't need this limpdick
telling me whether my bar's cool, okay? (hawking)
No, no, no! No spittin'. (all hawking)
(wretching) FRANK: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, how much is it gonna cost us to get on the ballot?
- Ten dollars. - Huh?
The entry fee is $10. All you have to do is fill out the paperwork.
Why have we never received this form?
Well, we've actually sent you the form many times in the past.
As I recall, it always comes back covered in fecal matter, urine, and
racial slurs.
- Oh. - That was a joke.
Hey, you know, that's just, like, all in good fun, man.
That's just our sense of humor. You'll get us. (all chattering)
Shut up! Let bygones be bygones.
DENNIS: Yeah. Right, right. - We're here now to play the game.
- Yes. Playing the game. - I assume you take cash.
(explodes) DEE: Oh! So sorry. (Mac and Dennis laughing)
That wasn't meant for you. That was actually meant for you.
We thought maybe you would think that was funny.
If it exploded in your face, but I can tell by the look on your face
that you don't think that's funny. That's not your style.
- No, that's a shame. - That's sort of our sense of humor.
Guys, he's not gonna get us. I think we gotta get out of here.
DENNIS: All right, guy.
FRANK: What'd I say, idiots?
You wanna get nominated, you gotta play the game.
We are playing the game, Frank. We're just not vibing with that guy.
- He's a stiff. - We were vibrating,
but maybe at a different frequency than that guy.
Frank is right. No, Frank is right, though. We are too fringe.
I mean, yeah, it's given us a lot of street cred,
but I think we've alienated a lot of people in this town.
Yeah. You wanna win awards, you gotta campaign for it.
- It's an industry award. - It's true. We know we're cool.
And our customers know we're cool, but the industry doesn't get it yet.
All right, can you guys actually drop me off back at the bar?
I'm gonna go work on the Best Song.
- What Best Song? - The Best Song Award.
There's no Best Song Award. What are you talking about?
Well, that's all the more reason to do a Best Song, right?
We'll be the only bar who did it.
And that's a good chance. We'll cover all the bases.
I'll tell you what. Let's drop him off either way.
- Okay. - That sounds good
- Good idea. - Come on.
#Where you think you're goin', baby
#Hey, I just met you And this is crazy
#But here's my number So call me maybe#
I can't believe that this place won Best Bar.
I mean, who comes to this place?
A shitload of people. Sudz is a super popular place.
I can't believe how bright it is in here. I don't like it.
Yeah. And what's with all the loud, fake colors?
- I mean, where's the subtlety? - All right, let's go grab a drink.
- We'll suss out the competition. - I'm gonna go find the manager.
Introduce myself, give him this swag bag.
- What's in that bag? - Stuff I had our names printed on.
I got a bottle opener, a keychain, egg.
- Why would you give him an egg? - It's like a paperweight.
Trust me, Deandra. People eat this shit up. You gotta play the game.
- I know how to do it. - All right. Good luck.
- Let's get a drink. - Yup. (sighs)
Hey, guys. How you doin'? (grunts) My name is Greg.
I'll be your bartender tonight. You ever been to Sudz before?
(Mac and Dennis laughing) You wish.
- Don't think so, pal. - Okay, well, welcome, then.
For our first-timers, I like to recommend
our blended signature cocktail, The Blue Hole.
It's served with three straws in a fishbowl. It's pretty darn good.
Some people say it's better than an orgasm. (laughs)
Not that he's ever had one. Oh! (laughs)
(all laughing) (Maxwell laughs) GREG: Okay, Maxwell.
Remind me to find a new best friend.
(makes honking noise, laughs) (makes honking noises)
Ugh. (groans)
Two margaritas for table six, Greg.
Hey, Amanda. What's wrong? Lemme guess.
Your boyfriend canceled on you again.
Conference got extended. (sighs) What can I say? He loves his work.
Well, I think he should spend a little less time on his work
and a little more time on you.
ALL: Aw.
- Thanks. You're so sweet. - Hmm.
- What in the hell is happening? - What are they doing?
Okay, sorry about that. So, one Blue Hole?
Uh, well, let's see. There's three of us, so, three drinks.
Yeah, well, they're generally shared, 'cause they're pretty big...
- We said three, dickbag. - Get three!
Mmm-hmm.
- I don't care for that guy. - Me neither. Too soft.
I want a little edge in my bartender. This is Philadelphia.
What's with the, uh...
What's with the black friend that no one is acknowledging?
Is black... I feel like it's weird if you don't talk about that.
It's strange to have one black friend
and not be constantly talking about it.
Yeah, shine a light on it. Make sure everybody sees and knows,
like, "I have a black friend," and that's a thing.
'Cause it's weird that a black person is friends with white people.
It's not that weird, but it's a thing.
- I don't think it is. - It is.
Here you guys go.
- Oh. - There we go.
(bell ringing) (all cheering) Oh, drink up!
- What the hell was that? - That's a Sudz alert.
When we ring that bell, everybody's gotta drink, right?
Yeah! (laughs)
I don't need a bell telling me when to drink.
I'll drink when I'm goddamn good and thirsty.
I'm pretty sure I know when to take a drink.
Screw their stupid bell, you know?
I wish I had drank when everybody else drank, though,
'cause it seemed like fun. - Now I feel left out.
- Let's drink now. - Together?
Now I'm angry.
- What are you doing in my office? - Oh. (laughs)
You snuck up on me. (laughs)
(talking with mouth full) Frank Reynolds, owner of Paddy's Pub.
I just thought I'd come by and say hello.
Pay my respects. Also, I got you a little goody bag here.
Some trinkets, knickknacks that you might enjoy.
- There's a broken egg in here. - Oh, shit.
That wasn't the hard-boiled one.
Hey, you want me to cook that up for you?
#We are never ever ever
- #Getting back together# - Ooh! Goddamn.
- That went down easy. I like this. - Yeah.
- I'm startin' to like this place. - It's growin' on me, too.
I like the chemistry that the staff have.
Did you guys see that charged moment between Greg and Amanda?
- Yes. - Boy, I tell ya.
She's got a boyfriend, but I think she and Greg should end up together.
I'd like to come back next week to see if they do.
- Yeah. Me, too. - You know? I mean, she is cute.
- She is just super cute, right? - She's cute.
- So cute. - She is very cute.
- She's not funny, though, so. - But she doesn't need to be funny
because she's cute, she's loveable, everybody likes her,
and then, if she can tell a joke, hey, it's just a bonus, you know?
Let's get outta this dump.
Oh, actually, this place is not a dump, Frank.
It's pretty great. Hey, hey, Greg, can you get this man a Blue Hole?
DENNIS: You gotta try this thing. FRANK: I got news for you.
Our secret's out, and it stinks. This manager's been to Paddy's,
and he said it's nothin' but a bunch of people yellin' over each other.
So what? That's what we do. We yell at each other,
and if people wanna tune in and listen, then they're welcome to.
Yeah, but I think that's off-putting to the customer.
I mean, Greg would never yell at Amanda.
FRANK: All right, I'll tell you what we gotta do.
We gotta up our game. We should host an industry night.
Invite all the people who vote, who's in the industry,
to come to our bar, and we'll show 'em what we're made of.
Yeah, yeah. But I'd like to tweak a little bit of who we are
and what we're made of, right? Soften the edges a little bit.
All right. We'll tweak it a little bit.
We'll show these bastards who's award-worthy.
Yeah. (bell ringing) (all cheering)
Drink! Drink! (laughing)
If we're gonna show these industry folks tonight that we're likeable,
we need to have some funny banter like Greg and Maxwell have.
Yeah. Don't worry. I'm gonna be zingin' one-liners all night long.
Uh, actually, Dee, you won't be zinging anything around,
because men are intimidated by funny women. All right?
So, what we need you to be is just pretty and benign.
We are gonna do a will they or won't they thing between you and Mac.
- Dee and I don't wanna be together. - No.
But the customers want you to be together. That's fun for them.
Why would it be fun to watch two people not want to be together?
Well, no. You do want to be together, okay?
The customers have to think that you think
that you don't want to be together,
but you do, deep down, want to be together.
The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys
don't want to be together. I need you to want to be together.
- Oh. - Question.
Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough
to where you'll want to be with her. - Yes.
Okay. See, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna shellac her with makeup,
and I'm gonna blast her with light to soften up all those features.
- I am into that, yes. - Yes.
Okay, great. So. Guys, I got us banter cards.
Mac, you're gonna welcome the customer in,
and then I'm gonna execute with a quip. Let's give it a shot.
"Hey! I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.
"I would like to recommend to first-timers
"our signature blended drink, Caribbean Paradise.
"People say it's better than an orgasm."
Not that he's ever had one.
I've had orgasms! I've had tons of orgasms!
I've had one with your mom, dude! I will strangle you.
I'll stick my goddamn thumb through your eye!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, relax. Sit down. What are you doin'?
You came at me. And I gave it back to you hard, 'cause...
Uh, yeah, I'm getting that. Look, I'm just doin' the thing.
See? What you just did, that's how we normally talk.
- That's very aggressive. - I came at you hard.
You came hard, and people aren't comfortable with that behavior.
That's why we're tryin' somethin' different here.
Okay, guys? Memorize these lines, okay?
We need to seem like it's comin' off the cuff.
Right. Plus, (scoffs) she didn't even feel a thing. (laughs)
- What? - What?
That's the punch line to Mac bangin' our mom.
She didn't even notice. (laughs)
Oh, Dee, Jesus Christ, your timing is so bad.
- He just said it. - Look, there's a timing concern.
Stop. Don't do the jokes. Let's settle into our new roles here.
(door opens) Change of plans. Change of plans.
We gotta go darker with Industry Night. Edgier.
No. Frank, don't derail us.
We're doin' bright lights, bright colors, and funny banter.
- That's what wins. - Wrong.
Artemis and I went to a burlesque bar last night.
There were women strippin', but it was classy.
It was dimly lit. They were servin' martinis. Period costumes.
There weren't a lot of people in there,
but this bar has won a shitload of awards.
Do you guys think that our location is the problem?
That could be it, yeah. Well, no.
See, there was that bar that just opened last year
right down the street, and they've already won a ton of awards.
- Mmm-hmm. - Ah, right.
Is it us?
(scoffs)
- No. No, no, no. - Us?
- No way. - No, it can't be us.
- I highly doubt it's us. - It's their problem, not us.
- We don't have the... CHARLIE: Yo! Hey, hey, hey!
- I got it! I got it! - Got what?
The Best Song. I wrote it. It's amazing. Get with the program.
Yes, Charlie, please. We're all clamoring to hear.
(in deep voice) #Whoa, they say The world's your oyster
#Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me
#You're the belle of the ball But you ain't my cup of tea
#They always vote you best in show But this doggie disagrees
#'Cause I like life in Paddy's Pub #
- Okay. - #There's a place for me
#It's the place I go
#Where the beer is cheap And the lights are low
#It's Paddy's Pub
#I like Paddy's Pub
#Let the record show The greatest place to go
#Is that bar called Paddy's Pub (playing harmonica)
#I like life in Paddy's Pub#
- My goodness! - Hey, hey!
- Well, well, well. My goodness. CHARLIE: Wait,
you guys really like it? You're not just bullshitting me?
(all chattering) I tried to go right down the middle, you know,
Middle America, Randy Newman...
Yeah, I didn't catch any rape references,
nothin' about spiders, nothin' about ghouls.
- Rats and cheese, or... (chuckles) - Why would there be rape?
You're always talkin' about rape and spiders, so...
- You guys misinterpret it, but... - Charlie, that was great.
It was really great. You really knocked it outta the park.
Let's go down to the basement and get some lemons for the party.
Yeah! Sure, okay. I'm glad you like the song, man. (Frank chuckling)
(lock clicks)
CHARLIE: Are you lockin' me in here? - Yeah.
Well, we just couldn't have him do that song.
- Doesn't make any sense. - It's ridiculous.
All right. Let's put on a good show.
#Hey, I just met you
#And this is crazy But here's my number
- #So call me maybe # - Right.
People are startin' to arrive. This is great.
Okay, so when a customer comes up to you, remember, keep it light.
- Keep it playful. Right? - Light. Playful. Okay.
- All right? Z: Y'all ain't gotta worry about me.
'Cause I'mma be chattin' these fools up like a mug.
- Cool. - Okay, thanks, Z.
I'm a little worried about him. We should've gotten a less
ntense black guy for diversity, but we don't have any in our roster.
But maybe we could find another one, throw him into the mix?
You know, to counter Z's vibe?
You gotta be really careful about the ratio.
We get too many black guys, people think it's a black bar.
- That will not help us. - Black bars don't win awards.
- No. - I dunno know why, but they don't.
Lovin' these lights, you guys.
I am glowing like an angel over here. Oh, my God.
Hi, can I get a drink?
Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.
I like to recommend to our first-timers our signature cocktail.
Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than bustin' a nut.
- Excuse me? - Bustin' a nut.
It's like, uh, you know, blowin' your load.
- Oh, God. - He said it was a funny joke.
- Well, no... Hold on. - Yeah.
It's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.
Well, no. I think what my friend is tryin' to refer to is an orgasm,
which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself
and got a little bit too specific.
Sorry. We jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
No, no. Nobody's jizzing on anything.
- Well, where do I jizz? - You don't jizz.
How can I orgasm if I don't jizz?
- No. Ma'am, I think what... - Just tell me where I jizz
so I can give this lady her drink.
Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
- Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm. - Holy shit, you're late.
- She was late. - Go back in your light.
(door closes) We're all set up back there.
Deandra, grab a couple bottles of champagne. Let's go.
No, no, no. I got it, I got it. Dee, stay in your light.
Come with me. Come here. (whispering) All right. Listen.
What was that? All right. Look, look, look.
You two do the charged moment, huh? Will they or won't they?
#We are never ever ever
#Getting back together# (sighs)
- What's wrong, Dee? - Oh, nothing.
- Lemme guess, boyfriend troubles? - Hmm.
MAC: This guy doesn't know what he's got. He's really ugly, too.
- I'm sorry, are you talkin' to me? - Yeah.
I said her boyfriend's ugly. Pay attention, bozo.
DEE: Okay, he's not ugly, all right? That wouldn't make any sense.
That's... He's not ugly.
- Dude's a total tool, too. - It's... (stammers)
You know what he's not? He's not covered in stupid tattoos
and he doesn't have a cigarette for a mother...
What? Don't talk shit about my mom!
(straining) Whoa, hey! Hey! (glass breaks) (both grunting)
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop. What the hell's goin' on over here?
- I was just... - That man is choking that woman.
Get over here. What are you doing? This isn't will they or won't they?
This is I know they won't and I know I don't want them to.
(grunting) Excuse me, there's a guy crawling out of your floor.
(grunting) DENNIS: Oh, uh, that's okay. That's just our janitor.
Uh, don't worry about it, gentlemen. What are you doing, dude?
- I broke out. - Are you high?
You put me in the basement with spray cans. I got high.
Do me a favor, go back in the basement. Get higher if you want.
Just go back in. Don't sit down there.
No, no, no, don't, don't. Oh, goddamn it. (strumming keyboard)
- What are we gonna do? - It looks like Z brought friends.
- Yo, yo, yo. What up? - Aw, jeez.
That's too many black guys, dude. The ratio's off.
- Dennis, the ratio's off! - Okay, you know what?
Ooh, ooh, ooh, the burlesque. Remember?
Burlesque. Yes, yes, yes. Hey, guys... Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
How about something a little bit more upscale, yeah?
Here, come with me. I wanna show you somethin'.
- Yeah, this is classy. Oh! ALL: Oh!
- Put it in. Put the bottle in! - Oh, my God. I did!
Put it in. (both grunting)
- Get the bottle out! - I'm trying!
(gags) Don't judge me. This is art.
- Shut the door! - This is not art!
CHARLIE (over mic): Attention. Attention, everybody.
I got a little ditty about Paddy's Pub.
(in deranged voice) I'm a singer.
- Charlie's doin' the song. DENNIS: Yeah.
The song was light. The song was light.
- That'll lighten things up. - Do the song, dude.
Please enjoy this song. (playing keyboard)
#There is a spider Spider, spider
#He's deep in my soul, soul
#He's lived here for years, years
#He just won't let go
#He's layin' around
#He's got a mean bite
#Now he's ready to
(in high-pitched voice) #Fight
#And stand up for what he knows
#I don't need your trophies Or your gold
#I just wanna tell you all
#Go (bleep) yourselves#
(laughing) Oh, shit. (high-pitched singing)
#Go (bleep) yourselves
(spits) #Whoo, wah-ooh#
BOTH: Is he spitting? - Oh, he's spitting at them.
(spits) Is that the sign?
- Spit! Spit! - Hey, you! (all spitting)
What is wrong with you people? (all clamoring)
- Get out of our bar! - We don't need you!
Get out of here!
#I really mean to tell you (bleep) you, (bleep)
#I don't need you in my bar#
- Beat it! - There's your damn award!
#Ooh#
(clears throat)
- Did you hear my song? - I heard it. I love it.
- Great song, Charlie. - Yeah, man.
You know what, that felt good. That felt real good.
I mean, I guess it is us after all, you know? It's us.
- All right, it's us. - Yeah.
Well, screw them, you know why? 'Cause I like us.
- I like us, too, Dee. - Yeah. Well, because we're awesome.
Yeah, it's 'cause we're good at what we do.
We do our own thing and we're good at it.
- I don't need their validation. ALL: No.
- That's exactly right. - No, no, I'm happy with us.
Totally. (all sighing)
- I really wanted an award, though. - I was dying for one.
- Ah, that'd be so nice. - Would've meant a lot.
ALL: Yeah. (sighs)