FRANK: This place has got the best hot dogs in Philadelphia.
(door chimes) Once you nosh on these,
you're not gonna want to eat another hot dog after this.
- Might as well get some snacks. CHARLIE: I'm getting a beer.
Don't grab a beer. We're on our way to a bar, which we own.
- I'm gonna get a beer, too. - Are you serious?
- Anyone else? - I'll have a beer.
- Of course I want a beer. - All right,
I'm not gonna be the only one not drinking beer, so come on.
(door chimes) Don't move!
(gasps) Open the register. Open it!
We're all gonna die.
Put the money in the bag. Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!
(whispering) What are we gonna do?
Put the money in the bag. Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!
(whispering) What are we gonna do?
I will shoot you in the teeth. Give me the money.
MAC (gravelly voice): Hey, bozo. Walk away now, and I let you live.
Or stick around and repent for your sins.
- You better step your ass back. - And you better say "cheese".
(grunting)
- Crisis averted. - Holy shit!
- Mac, that was amazing! DENNIS: Oh, my God.
- Did you like my "say cheese" line? - I didn't quite get that,
f I'm being honest. - I was a little bit confused.
It was a pun, 'cause I flung cheese in his face.
- No, I got that, but... - Yeah, but that's not really a pun.
No, if you had taken his photograph, and you flung cheese in his face
that would be a pun. - Yeah, you take a guy's picture,
you say, "Say cheese!" - Should I go get a camera?
- He's missing the point. - Let's get past it.
DENNIS: What you just did was badass.
Now let's take a look at who this scumbag is.
Shit.
- Yakuza. - Go, go!
DENNIS: Oh, my God.
(door chimes)
(grunting)
(groaning)
(door chimes)
(men groaning)
(Mac screaming) (men grunting)
(blows landing)
(Mac whistles teasingly)
(all grunting)
(screams)
(grunts)
Mac, watch out!
(shouting)
(grunts)
(slow clapping)
Very impressive.
Your technique is impeccable.
(yelling)
- Cool off. - My God, Mac, that was amazing.
And that's a great pun, dude. You used the pun right!
- You got the pun right, dude. - What pun?
"Cool off!" And you kicked him in the fridge!
- He's not getting it, is he? - No.
- What is a pun? - Move past it.
- I'll take his photograph. CASHIER: Hey!
What is the matter with you? Why would you do that?
- I killed the boss. - That's not the boss, you idiot.
He's my father! He owns the store!
- Whoops. My bad. - Now, is your throat okay?
- Is that from the smoke, or... - Is that a pun?
(screams)
(groans)
Oh, my God, Mac, no! (groans)
CHARLIE: We're sorry for doubting your awesomeness.
- I can't live without you. - Don't die.
(straining) I...
... don't...
... forgive you.
(groans) (bell tolls)
No! (Charlie sobbing)
No.
(screaming) (Charlie continues sobbing)
I love you! (Charlie crying)
DENNIS (wailing): I love you!
(heavenly music plays)
- God? - Hello, Mac.
Those were some pretty sweet moves.
Thank you, my Lord and Savior.
- Won't you join me? - Is that seat for me?
You're goddamn right it is.
(exhales)
- Hey, Rex. - 'Sup, bro?
So what do we do now?
Now we ignore everyone's prayers.
Put the money in the bag. Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!
(whispering) What are we gonna do? (whimpering)
- Damn it, Dee, this is your fault. - It is your fault.
- How is this my fault? - It just is, you stupid bitch.
- You thinking what I'm thinking? - Let's sacrifice her.
- No... - Sir!
- Please, take her, take her! - Have your way with the whore!
(continues whimpering)
- Let me blow these assholes away. - No, wait, please!
Please, don't shoot my friends. Just give me the gun.
We'll work something out. Just give me the gun.
Give it to me. There you go.
(all exclaiming)
- You saved our lives! - You saved the day!
I'll see you in hell, boners.
- No witnesses. - I like your style.
We should team up. Us ladies need to stick together.
(sirens wailing) I got your back for life.
- She did it. - What?
You bitch! You're dead! You hear me?
We need to get you into the witness protection program immediately.
Let me ask. Are you good at playing characters?
(doorbell rings)
(British accent) Hello, love, I'm your new butler.
Albert Covington's the name. Is your mom about?
I'm sorry, their mother's no longer with us.
It looks like I've come at the right time.
Children, your chariot awaits.
Miss Sarah, ham and cheese, no crust, just the way you like it.
- Who slayed Achilles? - Paris, Hector's brother.
Well done, lad! An extra treat for you.
- Mr. Covington, have you seen my... - Briefcase, sir.
Mr. Covington... (chuckles)
You're the best, Mr. Covington. How long are you staying with us?
Something tells me I'm gonna be here a long time.
- Why is that? - Your sweater's on backwards.
(all laughing)
(studio audience laughing)
MAN: #Paper plates for dinner House is a mess
#Life for a single parent Is full of stress
#Makes you want to put a gun In your mouth
#Or get real high
#But with a little help I think we'll just get by#
By now, everyone knows the remarkable story
of Dee Reynolds, a government witness
whose turn as a British butler was so convincing
that it was spun off into the highest rated sitcom of all time.
Today she is here to talk with us
about her upcoming blockbuster "Mother Earth".
Tell us more about it.
This time I play a very beautiful woman.
A warrior princess who saves the world.
It's already grossed over $900 million in presale tickets,
but I don't care about that.
I'm more interested in exploring truth through character.
- Amazing. - Yes.
And I understand you've recently become engaged
to young heartthrob crooner, Josh Groban.
(laughs)
When I found out that Mr. Covington was actually a chick,
I had to have her. Look at her.
She's smart, she's sexy, she's hilarious.
(Dee and Josh Groban laugh) She pops.
- He likes his ladies to pop. - That's true,
Groban does like his ladies to pop. - Isn't he cute?
- Sing the song you wrote for me. - Which one?
- The one you wrote for me. - Put me on the spot.
DEE: You're gonna love it!
#She's got blonde hair
#She's perfect in every way
#Feet not too large Not too small
#Blonde hair
#She's gorgeous Not like a bird
#But like a beautiful woman Definitely not like a bird#
I love this man so much.
Tell you what.
(British accent) I've got the feeling
we're gonna be together a long time.
That's how babies are made. (all laughing)
WOMAN: But they didn't stay together a long time,
their marriage only lasting a shocking 17 minutes
before Reynolds met a new man who she claimed she had to have.
GUNMAN: I'll shoot you in the teeth. Give me the money!
CASHIER: I'm going...
Put the money in the bag. Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!
(whispering) What are we gonna do?
- Give me the money! - You're going about this all wrong.
- What the hell do you know? - More than you think.
A fisherman always spots another fisherman from afar.
Hard candy?
(all gasping) (mouthing)
(groans)
I...
I dares it... I dar-dar-dar...
A crammy hand... A crammy handle bit.
A crammy handle bit aye.
Der... (body thuds)
(grunts) MAUREEN (distorted): I love you.
Oh, God!
(groaning) (woman moaning) I... Am... God.
(monitor beeping steadily)
I think he's awake. His eyes keep opening.
I don't know, man. He looks weird. Can he hear us?
No way. His eggs are scrambled.
DOCTOR: Mr. Reynolds, are you there?
Blink if you can understand me.
(groaning) (straining) Where am I?
You were shot in the head during an armed robbery.
The bullet narrowly missed your brain stem
and exited the back of your skull. - Does my dick work?
No. Your penis does not work.
Kill me.
Mr. Reynolds.
It's important that you maintain a positive attitude.
Now, with a lot of hard work and the support of your friends...
It appears they've left. Not to worry.
We have a top-notch rehabilitation staff
and they're gonna do everything to improve your quality of life.
In fact, here comes your nurse now.
Hello, Dennis.
(mumbling indistinctly)
From the Channel Five News weather team.
Once upon a time, yes.
But I left that to do something more meaningful with my life.
Now, what do you say we get you back on your feet?
The forecast calls for sunshine.
Come on.
(mumbling)
I can't do it.
(grunts)
JACKIE: That's it.
Use your strength. That's right. You're so strong.
That's it. Good.
(yelling)
- I'm so proud of you, yes! - Oh, my God!
(grunting)
(exclaiming)
Yes!
(grunts) Yes!
(hoots) (laughs) Yes.
(both laughing) Jackie...
I need to tell you something. I am in love with you!
(Jackie screaming) (car horn honking)
(brakes screeching) (crashing)
She's lucky to be alive. She broke her arm, few ribs,
punctured a lung, shattered her pelvis...
Compound fractures in both legs.
- Her breasts? - Excuse me?
What about her breasts?
I'm afraid that they were... obliterated.
We did everything in our power to try to save them, but...
She has a long, difficult road ahead of her,
but you above all people should know that anything is possible.
She is lucky to have you in her life.
- Could you give us a moment? - Of course.
(sighs)
(monitor flat lines)
(softly) Rest easy, my angel.
Put the money in the bag. Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!
(whispering) What are we gonna do?
(panting)
Let's go, buddy. Today!
(whispering) Everybody stay calm. I'll handle this.
- No, Frank. Stop it. - Frank, don't be...
Are you crazy? Frank, what are you doing?
Hurry up.
Move faster, or I'll shoot you in the face.
In the bag.
I'm gonna shoot you if you don't move faster.
(sirens wailing) Let's go.
I don't have all day. Come on.
POLICE (over megaphone): You're surrounded.
Put your weapon down and come out with your hands up.
GUNMAN: Kill me! (guns firing)
POLICE (over megaphone): All right, send in the K-9.
(dog barking outside) (door chimes)
DEE: Get him off me! Goddamn it, no! Easy, puppy.
(yells) (guns firing)
POLICE (over megaphone): The girl's dead,
but we can still save the others.
(guns firing) (glass shattering)
GUNMAN: I will shoot you in the teeth. Give me the money.
Put the money in the bag. Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!
(panting)
Put the money in the bag. Do it fast, or I'll blow your brains out!
(gasps) Waitress, no!
(screaming)
(grunting) You dick!
Come on!
- That was so brave. - Anything for you, my love.
(music)
(snaps fingers)
(music)
(monitor beeping steadily)
(thunder rumbling)
(music)
(electrical crackling)
- Charlie. What are you doing, dude? - Nothing. What are you doing?
Will you focus? We're in a serious situation here.
What are we gonna do?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yeah.
The big bills, underneath. Give me the big bills.